n Kill eDirty Aline oun d

ILois Reid, newly elected president of WAA stated whe n

informed of her election that she was simply beside herself .UBYSSEY Photographer Art Jones caught her at thismoment in the above picture,

• THE "DIRTY NINE" came to a gory end . Saturday evening when each member of theStudents' Council was either assasinated in cold blood, or committed suicide, thus bring-

ing to a dramatic close one of the messiest sessions in the University of British Columbia'shistory.

The Dead are :Rod Morris, president, ago 41 .Arvid Backman, treasurer, ageless .Mary Warner, secretary, age un -

known .Mary Mulvin, pres . WUS, aged ,John Carson, pres . MUS, age 17 ,

' Bill Mercer, Pres . LSE, age 14 .Helen Matheson, pros . WAA, age 52Lynn Sully, pros . MAA, age 21 .Paul Buck, Junior member, age 9

Rod Morris, the mighty mite, ha dhis throat slit while sleeping inScience 204 and died a messy death .The walls of 204 were spattere dwith three orange colored drops ofblood, thus proving for . posteritythat sciencemen and council mem-bers have blood. Morris was dis-covered by one of the social ser-vice students, who, on viewing th ebody, went into a dead faint . Themurderer is unknown, althoughConstable Aylward states thatchalked on the walls of 204 wer ethe words: "Down With Science !Arts Forever!" . The constablethinks that this may be a clue totho identity of the killer . Morrisleaves a wife and two children .

Bill Backman's death was of th eweeping variety. On 'Saturdaymomir(g Bill steamed into the puboffice and "requested" that min-utes 15 and 16 be printed in afront page box . He looked fairlywell and as healthy as could beexpected et a slide-rule slave, OnSunday morning Backman wasfound floating face down in th elily pond in front of the library .Attached to his coat by a safet ypin was a note reading : "In min-utes 15 and 16, it states that a clu bmust submit its budget within 14CLEAR days from the date of anyfunction . . . ." The UBYSSE Ylearned later that Johnny Ritchieand Hugh Roe had submitted abudget for a dance only 10 day sin advance of the. date of thefunction, Attached to the budget,said Ritchie, was a note.explainin gthe fact that minutes 15 and 16 hadbeen violated . "Due to adverseweather conditions, four days o fthe first week were distinctlycloudy, thus upsetting our plans t osubmit the budget 14 clear days i nadvance," It must have been th elast straw for Backman. ConstableAylward thinks it may have bee nsuicide .

Mary Warner and Mary Mulvi nwere the victims of mob psychol-ogy. They were caught in the netof trying to escape a self denia lgirl, a major project . As theygave the tagger the brush off, amob of students, flaunting tagsrushed up, grabbed the pair ,rushed them to the cafe kitchen ,and threw them into the hot oven .

Entire Council Wiped Ou tBy Mysterious Assasinations

Dinah Reid Appointed

New Publications God

• EDITOR-IN-CHIEF of the UBYSSEY for 1943-44, aschosen by the retiring editor, Andy Snaddon, will be red-

haired Margaret Reid. Marg, Friday Editor in her thirdyear in the Pub, will be the third co-ed editor-in-chief sinc ethe founding of the UBYSSEY .

Beginning her Pub career in th efall of 1940, as a reporter, "Dinah "soon rose to the giddy heights ofAssistant editor . Second year sawher as an associate editor, with ainfluential hand in the policy o fthe Graduation Issue, and was .promoted to Senior Editor for thecoming year.

In addition to her duties asEditor in Chief of the UBYSSEYnext year, Dinah will assume theoffice of President of AlphaGamma Delta sorority, and VidePresident of Pan-Hell .

cities i• have

obscene• VANCOUVER is a seapor t

town of ill repute on thewestern coast of the Fraser Valley .It's repute has always been veryill, despite the sincere efforts o flocal doctors to correct this conch.tion. Doctors all over the worl dhave been known to say afterdinner, and at afternoon tea, an dodd times like that, that Van-couver has one of the most seriou scosec of ill repute in the annal sof modern medicine. But the mostsignificant factor in the develop-ment of the town is its ships . Thewhole hewn is ship-crazy, and theonly worthy thing that has everbeen said about it is that it i shighly sea-worthy. All the child-ren of the town are extremelynautical, and not a few of the mnaughtly as hell, too . Most ofthem are, of course, brought intothe world either right in or n tleast within house-breaking dist-ance of a bathtub to help in futureorientation . As a matter of fact ,they 'don't even speak of birth inVancouver ; it's always a launching ,with the baby's weight expresse lin tonnage . A Vancouver ch i '. dnever sees a diaper from the da yhe is launched, either. He is al-ways clad in sails, from whencecame that famous line cf poetry ,"A wet sheet and allowing. sea" ,and after all, there's nothing likebeing ship-shape .

Our MaurySeeks Fame• MODESTY is the bes t

policy according to 'theactions Qf one Glory Muvve r(alias Maury Glover) "I'djust like to know," says Mr .Glover in a communique tothe UBYSSEY last week"that ed friessen and I havejust this minute been elect-ed as president and treasurerof the Commerce club ." (Ithink it was president andtreasurer—but it might havebeen something else, It alsomight not have been theCommerce Club, Probabl ywasn ' t . )

Anyway the old boy hot-foote dit down here with a sob-story tha the hadn't had his name in thepaper all year and he wanted i tin just once. I told him to 'writea lost ad, or do something to ge tin Mary Ann but he didn't likethe suggestion ,

So we said we'd do what w ecould which isn't very much andhe grinned happily and grovele don his way. Grovelled isn't th eword I want . Grovelled implie sgrovelling and that isn't what Iwant to imply .

• AT A SECRET rendezvousdeep in the heart of the Poin tGrey wilds, an cnthwdastic Pubteam completely demoralized an dgored the Council members in theannual Pub council basketballgame by the tremendous astronom-cal figure of 70,000 to zero .

The Tin Gods shaken and be-wildered by the thought of thepublic witnessing their annihila-tion by the Pubsters sent aquavering messenger to the Puboffice at 1 :36 P.M. Monday, re -questing that the game be held t oPrivate, The reason given wasthat the game would violate th eDecency act, considering that thre eof the Council members wer ewamen. General A. W. Snaddo ntook pity on the depraved Counci land granted their requests . 'COUNCIL RIDES RULES' Precisely at Twelve Midnight the

Pubsters apearcd at the rendez-vous, carrying Brea guns unde rtheir arms, and singing heartily .Council was five minutes late an larrived riding mules; which theyhad stolen from the Aggics. Inthe poor light it was hard to toi lwhether the Council was ridin gthe mules or the mules riding theCouncil .

The game officially started whe nBackman let loose with a lethalBoomerangs aimed at Snaddon ,but was forced to sprawl on th eflirt as the weapon returned afteronly mussing the General's hair .

The Pub opened strongly scoringten baskets in the short space offive seconds, hardly giving Councila chance to wake up . Comingstraight fro man old hollow logunder the AMS office where h owas hibernating for the winter ,Rod Morris attempted to grasp th eball but was swept aside by thePub attack and left bleeding 1 9th middle of the floor .

MATHESON SWEEPS CHIMNE YFor the remainder of the first

quarter the play was as clean asthe Pub could keep it in view o fthe fact that Matheson had justcome from cleaning Brock HallChimneys and was liberally cov-ered with soot .

In the second quarter the Puttshot from all angles, running up ascore that convinced the council -men that they could not wi nwithout resorting to evil deeds .

The special next day was roas tyoung chicken .

"Honest Jawn" Carson was thevictim of a mercy killing . LateSaturday night, in a dungeon inthe science building known only toa few trusty Sciencemen, an dlighted only by the flicker from agas burner, a group of a cnemi cred shirts reviewed the case histor yof John Carson .

"Hmmmm, an artsman", the ysnahrled, AND chairman of th eDiscipline Committee!” "How posi-tively revolting," spoke a voicefrom the rear, "Makes me sick tomy stomach, really," spoke an -other, , Piece by piece, Carsonpast was torn to pieces . The timesthat he had stopped a littl egambling in the cafe . The time she had deliberately gassed scienc estudents with his pipe . The timehe told the corny joke et the firs tcouncil meeting. The time ho hada scienccman's pass confiscatedwhen he found him sitting in theBrock in his underwear, on thecharge that the offender was wear- Iing outside clothing . Finally theycame to a decision .

"Carson must stop", they roared !Carson's body was found, earl yThursday morning by a lost platoo nfrom the COTC Ceremonial Par-ade. The body was horriblymutilated, and a clear imprint o fa slide rule was pressed into hisforehead . Questioned after th ediscovery, Constable Aylward said:"I believe Carson died from nat-ural causes . "

Due to confliiting reports theexact cause of the death of theother four council members is notknown. Bill Mercer was foun dhanging from a limb of a tre eplanted by the clan of '28. Hisbody was unmarked, except for hi shead, which was completely bald .Aylward thought it was ratherpeculiar considerbng the time ofyear,

Helen Matheson evidently die da victim of circumstances. Shewas found on the football field ,stretched full length on the turf ,clad in Phil Guman's CanadianFootball drip .

Lynn Sully was found in thepasture, en imprint of a cowshoof stamped on his forehead .Paul Buck was found stiff on acity street, hie face horribly twiste dinto a grimace The body lay infront of the Girls' Co-op house ,Constable Aylward is working o nthe strange deaths and in an inter -view this morning declared, hisface lighting u ft, "I caught some -one going 16 miles per hour onthe mall the other week .

The Tin Gods needed little con-vincing.

Pub opened strongly in the sec-ond half with a well placed kick -off by Snaddon that plucked rightin the basket for another score .Councilman Carson grabbed theball and attempted to run it bac kbut was tackled on the 5 yardline and lost a square yard of ,outer epidermis off his posterior.Pete Remnant recovered and mad ea tremendous 500 yard drive rightonto the green.

MORRIS INFRINGES RULESAll during the last quarter th e

play centered around the lef tcorner of the hall where JohnScott and Rod Morris were engage din a friendly game . of craps.Suddenly there was a loud ban gand Morris slumped to the floorwith a bullet through his brain ,a remarkable feat of shooting ata spot the size of a penny .

Soon after this Backman wasseen to perform a curious con-tortion and to turn a deep purple .An autopsy revealed that he hadbeen bit by a lethal wood tick ,picked up from the BotanicalGardens.

The Indisp-

ensable Ma-

cMillan and

Some Kind

Of A Show

• SATURDAY night will

again be marred by the

weekly broadcast of the Uni-

versity Radio Society from

CKWX,, starting at 18 :15 hrs .

This week a recorded broad -

cast of Wednesday's cere-

monial parade will featurewhat the society laughinglycalls the "show".

Sergeant (hook-happy) Mac-Millan the syrup-voiced darling ofthe air lanes will provide thecomment . MacMillan will edit theprogram . MacMillan will introducethe program . MacMillan will signoff. Greedy isn't he?

Good news to all the listener s(Hi Mom!) is that Saturday, Apri l9 will be the last attack on Van-couver's listening public. DonMacMillan will Direct, announce ,produce, write script and sweepout the studio. Mi Gawd! and alicense costs $2 .50 more ,

The Radio Society's Double -Crgss-ely rating for the year hasjust been announced. It is .000 1which is just 200 points below the.t TcGooch Soap hour, sponsors o fthe "Unhappy Family" . MacMillonannounced, he always renounces,he always edits, he always editsthe script, he roes too dome much ,that the new rating is much highe rthan ever before . It used to beinvisible .

NOTICE: Let it be known to th estudent body as a hole that theywill have to search elsewhere fora free phone. The phone booth inthe Pub was stolen by a conscien-tous theif last Thursday night . Allthat remains of the gadget Is afew shiny wires protruding f to mthe wall . The student body is a tliberty to use these frayed ends,just as they were at liberty to usethe pub phone when it was there.

SCORE RISESFinally, in a last shufle, Carson' s

head was seen to roll to one sid eand he slumped to the floor, hisneck broken . From this time onthe Pubsters merely toyed' wit hthe remaining council members ,scoring at will . The score rosefrom 30,000 to 50,000. In a fewminutes .

and the Pub left In a k!rry, lcav aing the rendezvous to the Councilghosts. It is expected that th egreat God Thoth will effectivel ydeal with any Counct spirits, ! fthe ration board refuses to do so .

POT STRESS,• HELEN CATHESON issued a

statement yesterday statin gthat all women who have bee nneglecting their compulsory phy-sical education must make up theirtime at camp, which will be hel dat Vernon in conjunction with themen's military ttraining.

No details were announced, bu tit is expected that they will b egiven later . Those coeds whocome under this scheme will b onotified immediately, and no ex-cuses can be accepted .

Orchids

For OTC

Blotz

• WEDNESDAY, a f t e rprolonged bargaining be-

tween officers and men, theCOTC was persuaded, con-trary to its usual practice, t ofall in as a body and comeover . to the stadium in theform of a battalion. It mustbe 'pointed out early in th enarration of the events tha tthe program was totally un-rehearsed .

Upon arrival at the stadium ,after a rest period, during whic hlunch was eaten, the corpse ooze dpast a reviewing officer, importe dfor the especial purpose of review-ing. eUp to time of going to pressthe name and identity of theofficer remains a complete myster yto the UBYSSEY.

After the march past there wa sa demonstration by picked mem-bers of the corps, including a sid eshow performance, in the lee ofthe sheep pen, by Cpl . Ferry an dhis trained Zetas, who amazed th ecrown by jumping through hoops ,standing on their hind legs, an d"asking" for food .

Among those present at the showwere Miss Phyllis Nernctz, clad i npink tights, and Cadet Scot tdressed in an ensemble of sack scloth and ashes. Cadet Scot tcarried roses, (four) .

At the conclusion of the paradethose of the junior officers who .emerged unscathed from the hai lof empty bottles which greete dtheir apearance, ' served tea an dcakes to the men of the corps .

Those who were able, on theconclusion of the parade, returne dhome . The remainder were putup for the night, by • special .arrangement .with Miss Lansing,in the Library .

It is hoped that Colonel Shrumwill be returned,to us with re-stored health in time for th eannual retreat at Vernon ., He isreported to be making progress,

Contents .

Polic raid faculty club P90Love Life of Jawn Carson

Magazine SectionUniversity Students Draft Fre eLiquor rationing station P3

, Dinah

Grads

Decide

To Pay '

• GRADUATING s t u -dents will pay their $1 5

graduation fee this year,

members of the class decide d

at a meeting yesterday .After furious discussion of th e

question for an hour, about 150students voted to drop the questionof graduation fees for this year,and to turn the matter over to theA M S. This does not mean tha tthe students have given up. Theyhave merely decided to accept along-range policy, in the hope ofachieving their end sometime I nthe future .

Bill Smith, vine-president of th egraduating class pointce out thatsince the Board of Governorswould do nothing,—could do noth-ing this year,-1t was only sensibleto take the long view.

The motion, as it stands on thebooks, reads : "That the questioaof reduction of Graduation Fees b eturned over to the Alma Mate rSociety, and a' portion of th evaledictory fee, $150 .00 or $200.00be allocated to a fund for obtain-ing legal advice,"

This True Too.

SCOTT STILL

ALIVEBy JOHN TOM

On accounts' I dodn't get onesingle by-line this year I amwriting to let people know I amstill alive . I wish to refute al lthose nasty rumours to the con-trary which have been spreadabout the campus by Surly John.

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Oh well, you know what I meananyway, I mean he beetled off .The point is that he said,, he wa sbeing modest, or something andthen he said he wanted his nam eplastered over the front page inf8 bastard or larger or something .Bastard is big words or something .That stuff that headlines are madeof. Anyway he's not very modest.

uung ~s;vapn~s 'iiaUno DIIqM SaiPPi3 aaajaIN

£161 'E 'IIII,I V06 'ox

AXX "IOA'J'fl 1E1Af1OJNV A

A1SSA8f1 3H1,

Pub Scores Win Over Council70,000-0 In Late Mid-night Brawl

At this point all the councilmembers calve back to life 'androamed about trying to haunt thePubsters . As the game was abou tover Claridge took one last shot ,D

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THE UBYSSEY

Friday, April 2, 194 3

.

Due to the seriousness of a war-timesession and the necessity of courting publi copinion, it has been decreed by the Publica-tions Board that the annual fun issue of th eUBYSSEY, which appears at the end of theyear, will not be published this year .

We are sure that students, steeped a sthey are in the logic of down town opinion ,will agree with our policy .

Every freshman thrown in the lily pondis another blow for Hitler, the axis cheersand their victory is ensured when the Arts -men and Sciencemen clash. Thus it is withcollege humor, it destroys the morale and i thas no place in this grim world . It is a signof decadence and our university must bethoroughly cleansed of it .

• IT IS LITTLE KNOWN, and few woul dknow

If the Forum ceased to be ,'Twas almost in its grave, orSo it seemed to me.(with appologies to W.W.)

Oratorical efforts, it would seem, are no tappreciated on this our dearly beloved cam -pus. At the last few meetings of the Parl-iamentary Forum about enough peopl eturned up to man a ten ton truck and acouple of milk wagons—not counting the ex-ecutive .

The Forum's executive includes suffic-ient men to run a good sized power drill .And since hot air ' is used in its operation ,don't let anybody tell you they couldn't d oit .

Recently even the mighty' Isherwoodstrode forward to argue "to beer or not t obeer"—Ister Fosherwood didn't want t o(gad, the proof reading is getting offal)—notwithstanding, only thirty people came toaudit his and Mr. Raphael's loquacity .

At one of the more or less importantmeetings o fthe Forum, only the executiveturned up—and not all of them. It seems asthough there were some Debutantes in th e

Dear Andy :A recent roll-call of the thoughts a t

present doing time in my gray cell, (a small ,all-purpose can with a view over-lookingthe medulla oblongata), revealed the fac tthat you are in my home town, while I amin your home town, and neither of us is inWalla Walla, Washington, If you sit downand think about this for a few minutes, Ithink you will agree with me that it wasn 'tworth it . Nevertheless, the situation offersan unusual opportunity for us to exchang eany phone numbers and addresses which wethink might be of interest to one another,such as those of art galleries, museums, lib-raries and institutions whose cornerstoneshave been laid by outstanding Liberals . Ihave seen Liberals feathering their nest ,mind you, but I have never actually see nthem lay a corner-stone in it . My life is in-complete in other respects too .

One phone number I might give you,upon receiving from you guarantee of equaldegree of reciprocity, preferably a red-head,is that of Myrtle Turtle, a charming creaturewho works in men's underwear at the Bay ,and if you think that's a misplaced modifier,ask her to show you her Stanfield's All-Wobl sometime. I cannot give you Myrtle'sphone number because she has no phone ,her father having taken a violent dislike toDon Ameche some time before the latter in-vented the device . The best way to get intouch with her is by throwing stones at herwindow between 6 and 8 p.m., or all daySunday. You will be able to tell whethershe wants to go out with you by whether o rnot she throws the stones back at you .

Myrtle's greatest attraction, perhaps, isher broad experience in life . In fact, I can' tthink of another broad who has had moreexperience than Myrtle . She 's been in more

LOST: One Green "Accountin gPrincipals and Practices " and someEc . 1 notes . Please notify J. A.Kcnmuir, Phi Delt table .

So it is with the college paper . Its lustyhumor must go. These are serious timesand we must purge our publications of theblight. Every campus blat must fall in linewith the trends of the times .

' Beginning with this issue the UBYSSEYsets forth its policy for the future . A seriousand sound attitude to everything. Yet theMotto 'of the Publications Board, the battl ecry of the free people of Brock Hall, stil lresounds. We give you the three "L's" ofthe fourth estate .

LIBERTY !LIQUOR! (unratloned )LICENTIOUSNESS! (?)

A . W. S .

Auditorium and most of the Forum's hab-itues prefered them to a discussion of wheth-er or not strikes are a good idea . Maybe theForum would have had better luck if they'dbrought the Debutantes over to the meetin gand debated with them. I won't suggest wha tthe argument would have been about ,

If anyone is beginning to wonder whe nI 'm going to get to the point of all this—orif there is any point to get to—I 'll get to itimmediately .

The point is that this year's Secretar yof the Forum recently had the effrontery —in spite of the attendance at the Forum'smeetings—to infer that the Ubyssey was on eof the lesser important of student's clubs . Nofurther comment is necessary I believe ?

This, notwithstanding, the Forum thisyear has done good work . The executive didtheir best to arrange interesting debates .And it grieves me to say that their effortswere rewarded with a measure of success.

Although the Forum had good debater sthis Year, there is an empty spot in theTrophy Room—the McGown Cup is gone .

Next year 's executive is a promisin gone. If there are McGown Cup debates nex tyear, the Cup should be back .

alleys than a set of ten-pins, and she's twic eas easy to knock down. She's a very flash ydresser, though, wearing a pale shade ofblue as a rule, because it goes so well wit hher yellow jaundice . Myrtle has really re-markable eyes, too, which look like a coupl eof fried eggs shot through with tomato ketch -up. And she's never happier than whe nshe can get down on her knees for a gam eof marbles, sighting her aim with one eye,and knocking agates out of the circle withthe other .

Myrtle isn't as young as she use to be, o fcourse, when she carried canoes for SimonFraser, but she hides her age well by comb-ing her eyebrows over her bald spot.

As for her figure, 'the most engagingparts are her legs, of which she possesses acollection of more that thirty-five, carvedout of rare types of wood from this and othe rcontinents . I, myself, am especially partialto her eucalyptus set, and have often spenta quiet enjoyable evening sniffing the feetof these to relieve an annoying head cold.

But, so much for Myrtle . I believe tha tthe spring exams are now creeping up onyou with the insidious ease of army issu eunderwear . So, although you have bee nmore than tolerant in printing blurbs o fmine this semester, Andy, I gracelessly sub-mit a final test of your patience. It may jus tpossibly give one of your cub reportersenough time off to prepare fo 'r English 1 ,always assuming you HAVE a cub reporterwho is naive enough to think he can preparefor English a, ,

Anyhoo, the best of luck to you and any-body else who. is contemplating a strangeinterlude with some of those horribly blankbooklets. Take an extra blotter for me, fella ,and we'll sop up your tears together .Tallyho!

—JABEZ .

• Opinion

• ,AS IS the normal courseof events (for even col-

onels as all men must turn i ntheir equipment to the Grea tQuartermaster eventually) i tcame about that one Colone lCrum, having met his de-mise via an apopletic fit (theresult of watching a group o fstudents accordion t h e i rmerry way through a cere-monial) arrived at t h ePearly Gates .

"I want to get in, d'y'see?" h egreted the worthy keeper, bringin ghis soul up to' its full 6'4", an dbringing his mental attributes tothe "present" .

"Pardon me, I must look that upin Part Two, Old Testament Qr-ders," replied the Sentry Saint ,beetling off under a haloed escort .In the usual three hours he cam ehurrying back from tho Angels'Mess .

"I have just been in consultationwith the sub-angel Walmsea," h ereplied, "who informs me that a sfar as he is able to discover fromall his records, and having checke dwith the Celestial Little Fountai nsector and the manoeuvre Hoste lBeaureau of Unearthly Informa-tion, that you are not listed asbeing on Potential Strength of theCelestial Battalions . It is of courseto bo regretted at a time such a sthis, hut that is the way thesethings go, y ' know."

'"Sir', replied Colonel Crum, " I

believe I know the regulations i na case of this type . If I am notmistaken, I seem to recall tha t

.C,A.R.O, (Celestial Army RoutineOrder) 66 cited in Deuteronomy ,Chapter six, sub-section three ,verse thirty-seven, reverses th eright for a Reserve Soul to beparaded before the Great C .O . ,d'y'see? "

"You mean you wish to have aCelestial Court-Martial?" aske dthe astonished Gate-keeper . "Thi sis highly irregular, especially withthe Heavenly Qualifying Fiel dMissionary Exams just around thecorner . However, a soul is alway sgiven n fair trial before the Board ,and I shall see that the ruling i 3

in your particular case," So say .ing, he scurried off, to flurry backin the usual three hours, with aspecial guard of St . Peter's Rem-nants, made up of columnisti csouls who had been subjected t oadverse treatment at the hands ofsuperiors on earth .

"Lance-angel Brown will con -duct you under escort to corpange lHeel, thence to seargangel Melons ,through regimangel Henciersoul t othe adjangel Walmsea, who wil lexamine you for qualifications a sto entry into the Celestial Corps .A full Celestial Court-Martial i sdeemed inexpedient at the presen ttime, especially since the Grea tC .O. is over in the Intension De-partment, and besides, Walmse arelishes this particular type o fjob . "

"But d'y'see I . . . " said th ecolonel before he was whiskedaway by an exultant lance-angelBrown, to be finally deposited be -fore Calmseh, direct representative,in the Angelly Room of the Grea tC.O .

"Age, position, quantity, quality ,disposition, value, and utility o fsoul?" demanded Walmsea, finge-ing his sub-angels' wings. Corp-angel Heel hurried in and placedan enormous sheaf of records o nthe small desk-like cloud, besid ean commodious drawer full o fsub-angels' wings for those quali-fied souls with good bihle-rdcords .

"Hmm," mused Walmsea, "C . 2soul, magazined, gazzetted, quali-fied for Garden Foot, probably apotential N.C.A, (non-com-angel) ,grime sheet shows a few acts ofsubordination . To Heel he said ,"You'd better phone Little Foun-tain Sector for the complet erecords on this man, and let meknow how it comes out "

To the colonel, "Your case i ssomewhat similar to that of on eRembrant, now first-angel Rem-brant, I might add, whose ad -mission was doubtful because of asmall matter of some untruth toa superior while on ea"'th . Haveyou had basic?" he asked suddenly,hoping to throw his soul off guard ,for Walmsea was a mater at th eart of interrogation .

"Well, d'y'see," began the colonel ,but was interrupted by the subtl e'Walmsea with "I thought not . I fyou had taken the care to realPart One, Ezekiel Orders for theDay, you would have peen that i tis necessary to have Desire befor eyou can apply even for Garde nFoot, let alone for Overcloud sService with the llt!r Celestia lDivision. Why, I'll wager you can -not even give mutual rmgellic in-struction on the parts of theMosaic Tablets, "

Much abashed, colonel Crum

• From The Editor 's Pe n

Qr Gimme Death

NMOtlB D3 . . . ewwea8eaed.

•The Mummery

naturally abide by it . You under-stand, of course, that this is mor eor less of a test case, and that youhave been let clown lightly? "

Colonel' Crum nodded mutely,and was led away with a crest -fallen expression, still murmurin gsoft ,"d'y'sees" to himself, an dciting' with the sage observance ,"You can't beat'the Celestial Arm y—too much red-tape

."

admitted that he was incapable ofsuch an accomplishment.

"As I thought," murmured Wal m"As I thought," murmure d

Walmsea . "Well, , although it i shardly within my jurisdiction, 7believe 14 days C.D. ,confined to3 months basic, will then be re -place . Thereafter, you wine receiv equired to pass an examination onPamphlets six to sixty-six inclusiveon the Old Testament (common t oall Angels) and then will progressto the parts of the New Testament ,(Special A .S .C .—Angels Servic eCorps) . You will then be qualifie dfor entry into Garden Foot, wit hthe possibility of eventual Over -cloud Service . This decision c sFinal and Irrevocable, and you will

ESMISMaMISEZEng

Senior EditorsMonday Nobody—we don' t

publish Monday. Tuesday J,ucy BertonFriday Snakehips Reid—no

phoneSports Edito r

We copy from the News-Herald .News Mouger

Cadet (by the grace of Shrum )Remnan t

Associate EditorsNo use listing them, they're useles s

No Phone ,Ass Istant EditorsThey're worse

Associate Sports EditorLittle F . H.—no Phon eCirculation Manage r

Joyce Smith, best circulation inPu b

Staff PhotographersArt Jones,, Art Jones & Art Jone sNo Phone Dennis Blunde r

t Secretary Honourable Young ,no phone, dammit '

Highly Improbable Grad Issu eJohn Tom, the plutocrat, he's go t

a phone

NOTICE: All women students arerequested to remove everythin gfrom their lockers in the Gymnas-ium AT ONCE . Anything left wil lbe confiscated after the last day o fexaminations. All locks must als obe removed .

NOTICE : Wanted at once. Onehoarder at Tolmie and Seventh .Good quarters . Phone Mrs . Ker,ALma 0763R.

e e e e

FOR SALE: Six tube Roger mantleradio and Fred Deeley bicycle ingood condition and complete withgenerator, chromium mudguardsand fixtures, balloon tires, etc .Contact D. G. Newton, Arts Lette rRack or 3804 West 20th Ave.

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•

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DOMINION

USIT OAR FASHION fETJ1 E

You'll find your pet sweaters and skirts , . . and coats andshirts in our Fashion Centre . We know what you co-ed slove to wear . How easily casual clothes fit int o

your busy life on the- campus . So we stocked our

Fashion Centre with the cute clothes in the prett y

colors you adore, Try and squeeze in a few extr a

minutes some day to see our Fashion Shows . . . you

might pick up a few hints on what's new this Spring.

Sub~onja Xnmpan .loepePOQATED Zee MAY 167 0

—Fashion Centre, Third Floor

.

Tllr

't!y GWOT

(!1nh1ttjLLw 'll

(MEMBER GEORGIASYNDICATE )

Issued quite frequently by theStupid Publication Bored of th eAMS (Almost More than you capStand) Society of the Point Gre yBarracks of the COTC. (Shrumfun, ell? )

Offices : Georgia Lobb yNo Phon e

For AdvertisingBelkin Enterprizes Ltd.

1234 Richards (ask for Mimi) NoPhone

Campus Subscriptions — This i sabsurd .

Mall Subscription'— So is this .Editor-In-Chief and Janito r

First guy in the office, alway sSnaddon

• CHUMMILY chanting "PhiDelta Navy' to the hoards of

prospective ' rushees, the beamin gMr. Ritchie blustered into the pu byesterday with some guff about ameeting of some sort somewhere inone of the buildings sometim etoday but somebody or othe rspilled coke all over the paper seyou know as much as we do aboutthe whole thing, Nobody'd go t othe darn thing anyway and yo u rknow It Mr. Ritchie ,

Pat Cunningham, Sylvia Ander-a m, and Helen Welch ; Presidentp in, elected by acclamation . Presl-offices are Secretary of the AMS ;of LSE: Murdo MacKenzie, DavidPresident of AIDS : Harry Cur-ran, elected by acclamation ;Williams, and Anne DuMoulin ;

NOTICE : All women student swho have time to make up i nArchery are requested to repor tat the Gynwasium on Thursda ymorning, April 8th. They mayshoot any time between the hour?thours of 8 :30 a .m. and 12 :30 noon .

MODRUN POMEtrineto finejust one linelike "gal o' mine"or "the Lonesome Pine "is hard for such as Einsteinbut not so tough for Gertrude Steinwho loves to fool around with a

rhym eand then out of a clear blue sk y

she'll goand change the damn thing jus t

like eoand when she can't think of any

mo'

• NEXT TUESDAY NOON i nthe Auditorium, UJ3C student s

will have the opportunity of hear-ing the Air Force Dance Bandfrom Jericho Air Base . The occas-ion is a program in honour of those

'students who recently joined th eRCAF en masse . The program tvil lbe a pass-feature.

George Reifel, drummer of th eVarsity Orchestra, describes th eAir Force musicians as one of thebest outfits in town and it will bewell worth the trouble of thestudents to take in the show .

The "Announcement of the Summer Session"

obtained at the Registrar's Office

PLANTS at 564 Granville havelots of skirts . I know a science

man who has plenty of skirts too ,but then that's another story an dthe discipline committee says wecan't tell about it . Anyhow theyhave the darlingest Sictrts, th esnazziest blouses, Slacks which ar every chick, as Arvid would say i fanyone would listen, and 2-piec eprint dresses, which are quite somestuff. Didja hear about the curly -haired you-know-what who gavehis SCM Pin to a short dumpy an dsomewhat ugly ffeshette . It seemsthat they went together in highschool and no one would pay an yattention to them here either n othey gave up and decided to for ma permanent partnership .

*se e• If your man has gone to war

and you find yourself gettin gsomewhat cold without no one tokeep you warm, then obviousl yyou should go to the New YorkFur Company, which is somewher ein Vancouver. If you cannot fin-ance a smart new sable and yo uare quite a pretty doll, drop in an dwe will tell you how Sadie of th echorus financed hers . Cheap too,

••e .• These days food is rationed a

god deal, but that does no tstop the Ship Shape Inn fromserving up the best whether it b ea meal or an After-the-game snack ,Some of the lads from our schoo lcaused considerable amusement i na down-town Pub when theystarted to beat the daylights ou tof an aged waiter who wouldn' tserve them because there wasn' tanymore. The tolerant citizens ofVancouver were heard to remark ,"isn't it fine that those boys ar egetting such healthy exercise ."After it was over the boys all wen tback to the Ship Shape Inn for areal feed, which Mr, Bloomfield ,("Bloomers" to his friends) themgr . dished up .

1 S Y C

• If cny of you heels are lookingfor :.mart footwear then jus t

take a hike to Rae Son' ;, which is,ordinarily enough, located o nGranville, (tvhatea matter with ,Georgia or Richards?) They havethe tons of the town when it come sto shoes. Tan, Spectators, Suede :4 ,

tics, casuals you will find them al lat Raeehn's• We simply must tel lyou about whets his name and tha tclerk girl \elno veers teidlc shoe sand a sweater and cauaics books ,you knew who we mean . It seem sthey were doing a little neckingdown on the beach and someon ecame along and saw diem. Itreally was a panic when neithe rof them blushed . Well if you want

the bast in shoes head f ' ) . . Mescal' e

Then there was the story aboutthe stocky, silly and shiftless foot .ball player who wanted to takeout a blonde Gimme GimmeGimme . He hadn't met her an dasked one of his pals to make wit han introduction . His pal did an dthe girl did and the fellow did .What did they do? Answer nex tissue . Oh alright! They went t othe New York Fur Company andbought a fur coat .

14very woman knows that certain colors compliment her natural prettiness and the close rshe gets the right color to he r' face and hair, the more it does for her . So Tooke haspruduce d"Compliment Colors" in your favorite roan-tailored shirt, To their excellence in shir tmaking, guaranteed by the Tooke Irbel, they have added an ATC rayon fabric, ready t ogive satisfactory service if you care for it as for' all nice things,

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HOME

RCAF Sign KelVan let Irate

Over New AirforceMove In The Finals• IT WAS REVEALED at a special meeting of thel British

Columbia Basketball Association last night that the Is-land RCAF crew would be allowed to strengthen up for th eremaining playoff games with the Varsity Thunderbirds .

The evening downtown news-papers mentioned the other nigh tthat 011ie Goldsmith had beentransferred to a new spot up thecoast and it meant that he wouldnot be able to finish the series .Also another great loss to the flier swas the moving of Irwin Stout tooperational duties on the Atlanti ccoast .

'These blows came suddenly to

the Victoria Air Force team an dtherefore the special meeting o fth B . C. basketball body Wa scalled to settle the question .MANY NAMES MENTIONED

Many names were mentioned aslikely people to fill :n the twovocant positions Including severa lmembers of the Shores quintet wh owere knocked out by the studentsin the V and D League finals butthe B. C. body felt that only Ai rForce men should be taken on bythe Victoria team .

PO Charlie McLachlan, manage rof the Islanders, suggested that hebe allowed , to draw upon th eservices of several players who arein the Air Force but stationed a tpresent in Vancouver . Because

the series Is being played in thi scity the Association thought thatit would not do any harm to allo wthe men he had mentioned to playfor the Victoria crew for the re-mainder of the playoffs .

As a result of this, the fliers wil lstrengthen up with Jack Edmund .son, George Siborne and HarryKermode, all of whom performe dfor the local Air Force outfit inthe Vand D League .

KERMOPE OK NO WIt will be hemembered that therewas considerable argument at thefirst of this series as to whethe rKermode be allowed to play, bu the was ruled out . Now the B . C .body has changed its decision inthe light of new developments inthe Island depot .

Why McLachlan should , beallowed to draw upon three me nwhen he hod only lost two, Stou tand Goldsmith, In transfers, dre wconsiderable comment from ob •servers of the meeting but thosepresent felt that the fliers hadbeen deprived of one (of theirstrongest players just before therecent playoffs when Busher Jack.son wos moved to Edmonton .Consequently the Islanders too!;advantage of this and picked thre tof the strongest local Air Forc eplayers .

LOST: Unfinished front of AirForce sweater. Retoin to RedCross Room pleeze . Oigcnt !

NEXT GAME SATURDAYThe series continues at the VAC

gym next Saturday night, Startin gat 9 o'clock with the fliers decidedfavourites to wind up the B . C .championship playoffs . They . arenow leading by two gamer to one .

The Birds got this one victor ylast Tuesday night on their ow nfloor when they evhitewat}tad th eIslanders 43-24 after droping nclose one point decision the nigh tbefore 42-41 .

Sandy Robertson paced th estudents in their victory by drop -ping in 18 points for the highesttotal of the evening . The best th eAir Force could do vole eight b yMcKeachic and seven by Baker .

If yatt don 't believe us aboutthis ns1{ the team members, the eore sure burnt tip about it,

Soccerites

Wind Up

Playoffs

SOCCER• THE UBC SOCCER TEAM

took a graceful bow out of th efield of extra activity last Satur-day. They dropped a knock-otftgame to the Pro-Res Maple Leafs3 to 2 on the playing ground o fMemorial Park West last Saturda y

The loss of this game eliminate dall hopes of the team to carry of fthe Icperial . Cup . Titus the boysare very sorry that they hav enothing to show for their splendidefforts this season . The soccerteam had a very , succe ful yearwith a few tough breaks mixed i nto spoil the pleasant most of it all .

Besides ending up in fourt hplace in the V and D league, theyhave produced some of the out -standing players of that league .

WAA Lunch' nComing Thurs• TILE ANNCAL Women's Att -

letic Association Luncheon wil lbe held Thursday, A'. ril 8th, e t12 :30 in the Brock . All wome nstudents are invited to ; ttend th sfunction . SI c l crs Neill be Mi tDorothy J .1c' .inn Zer,ul iSlack, two of the fore n~~~t wome nlea hoe in p;t n s c ;il

e iuca'ion , nCant, la .

Miss Jackson is now an assistantprofessor in physical education a tthe Universi ty of Toronto and ha sbeen on the staff of college womenin war time .

Miss Slack is now the secre-tary for Health Education, Nation -al Council V. W . C. A. and hasformerly been on the physicaleducation staff of Mount AllisonUniversity and. at McGill. Shewil talk on the development o frecreation in Canada during thewar .

All athletic awards will be pre- ':anted at this luncheon and al lgirls engaged in athletics on thecampus ' are asked to attend .Appointments to the Women' sAthletic Association will also beannounced. All those who will b,attending are asked to sign th esheet at th foot of the cafe stairs .

LOST: A gold mottled Parke rCacuumatic Fountain pen o nThursday .p .m. Possibly in theGym . . Jimoth Dennison, FAir .5660R or AMS Lost and Found.

Divoters PlanFinal Tourney• A GOLF TOURNAMENT fo r

the students and faculty of th eUniversity will be staged nex tweek. The Varsity Golf Champ-ionship will be at stake along withseveral good prizes . The affairwill be of 36 holes medal play, oneround to be played during th eweek and the second raund to beplayed next Saturday.

The winner of the low gross wil ltake on the title currently hel dBob Ford. In all there will besome ten valuable awards givenfor total and individual low ne tand gross, faculty low scores, an'lthe hidden hole, for each eightee nholes.

Since each player will not boallowed to take away any morethan one prize in any one round,.every golfer will have an excelen tchance of wining some golf ball sfor himself.

Players are advised to find thei rofficial handicaps from the notic eboard in the Stadium. Some o fthese figures have recently beenchanged and a recheck should bemade by every player.

Any one who wishes to play inthe tournament and has not ye treceived their handica p shoul dcontact Dick Hanky , or Bi IO'Brien before trying to play hi sround .

Thunderbirds Retaliate Fliers Move. Lump Checov, ShadwellAnd Johnnie McLeodSigned By Van Vliet• AS HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED elsewhere on this page ,

the RCAF has strengthened their team for Saturday 'sgame against Varsity by the addition to their outfit of Harr yKermode, George Siborne and Jack Edmundson .

We are pleased to announce tha tthis nefarious skullduggery ha snot been lost on UBC coach VanVlict . Hd promptly devised somecounter-strategy of his own to mee tthe RCAF threat .

LUMP, SHAD AND MA JSIGNED

Tho counter-strategy involves thesigning to Varsity player forms o f

rm .de, Siborne And Edmundson

• Cuff Guff

By CURLY AND ASSOCIATES

• HURRAH! NO MORE issues for this year . In fact no

nore issues at all, Hurrah, Hurrah, Boogie woogie ,

Boogie woogie and all that stuff . More boogie woogie of al l

that stuff .

No more will I see Snake Hips Reid wandering aroun d

the Pub, no more of V .H., or vd for that matter, nor more of

jt or dougie . Boogiewoogie, sob, sob, etc ., etc.Alas alack, no more of aws and his editorials or of

belkin rushing for his copy, nor of tallman and his stupi d

stare apd stupider pipe .

In fact no more of this for me. Boogie woogie an d

stuff, etc., etc.

Not even any more of remnants mad orations or cow-ards long winded stories, boogie woogie again and again . Boy

play that music and then turn it over, I 'm getting sentimental .

No more pub parties, sob, sob, no more free coke every

thursday .Boogie woogie, that reminds me of a joke picked u p

from an unworthy kappa sig . It seems three gentlemen were

standing on a corner when one said that he had been mis-

taken the day before, by another gent, for fdr . The second

member piped up and said he had been spoken to as mr .

churchill before the mistake was noticed . The third member

of the party not to be outdone said that he was standing o n

this very same corner yesterday when another fellow came

up to him and said well, jc, how in hell are you ?

Boogie woogie, fellows, think awhile and it migh t

sink in, hop, hep, etc ., and stuff .Speaking of the kappa 'sign brings forth another at-

tempt at humour .

It runs along these lines, aorta like poetry, boogiewoogic and all that stuff .

Mary had i little lamb

with which she used to fris know wasn 't she a silly girlhe : little

That should be just about enough for my sentimen tis killing me . Boogie woogie fellows ,

MAA Announces Big Block

Winners

• THIS COMING MONDAY the Men's Athletic awards will be dis -tributed in Arts 100 at 12 :30 . Guests fro mthe faculty will be presen t

to present some of the Big Blocks, pr . Gunning will present the Bi gBlocks to the English Rugby players, Mr. M. L. Van Vliet will pla ySanta to the members of the Basketball team, Johnny Farina, th eAmerican Football, Mr. L. Baker, the Soccer, and Dr . Dixon, the track .

In all therb are 19 Big Blocks to be awarded besides 13 Freshma nawards . If these freshmen return next year and participate in the sam esport, at the end of their second year they will win the block and number .There is also an honourary Big Block to be given out ,

There will be 52 winners of the Small Block at the same tim eand four awards to managers and trainers .Bob Davidson, aim MacLean , „ Track New WinsAl Jones, Don Johnston „ Eng. Rugbq New WinAl Narod, Hunter Wood Eng . Rugby Re-WinBob Faris, John Wheeler Eng. Rugby Fresh Awar dHank Sweatman Am. Football New WinRanji Mattu, L. Fournier Am. Football Re-Win

Spud Murphy Am, Football Fresh . AwardMel Oughton, Bill Walker Soccer New Win

Clem Herb Smith ,

Philly,StuFran k

Roach, Jim Morton Soccer Soccer

Re-Win. . . . Fresh . Awar d

Bruce York, Dave Hayward , Basketball New Win,Art Barton, Harry Frankli n

Art Johnston „ ...„„ Basketball Re-WinSandy Robertson, Gordy Sykes ,

Art Stilwell, Ole Bakken ,Paddy Wescott Basketball Fresh. Awar d

Maury McPhee, Phil Fitz-James, and Howard Shadwell receiv emanager awards, and Don Livingstone gets the trainer's award ,

Dougie Reid and Pat Campbell will not receive their Big Blocksimmediately . The committee has decided to hold them for a short tim ebecause they played on an outside team .

Louie (the Lump Checov, Howi eShadwell, the Kappa Sig curse, andMajor "Johnnie" McLeod who haslately- been starring in chinkgames . These games, by the way,have also involved such celebritiesas Bob Osborne, Coach Van Vlie thimself and also the two latest ad-ditions to the Thunderbirds,Checov and Shadwel l

In order to make room for thenadditions, Mr . Van Vliet has beeforced to release three membersof his team. After much delibera .Lion, he has decided to let the anfall on Sandy Robertson, HarryFranklin and Art Barton.

ROBERTSON SUPPINGThe decision to drop Robertson,

who many morons mistakenlythought was leading the Thunder.birds in their battles agaipst theFliers, came after Sandy's miser .able feat in allowing his check,Norm Baker, to slip through forFIVE BIG POINTS. "Thli," statedcoach Van Vliet, "is just not goodenough." "There is no excuse forBaker getting five points againus last Tuesday ." "I distinctly toldhim to press, each time Baker shot ,a small nerve in the back of hisneck, known only to, Scicncemeaand fools . Such an action on Rob.ertson's part would have renderedBaker paralyzed for two minutes .'"I am confident that that sterlin gcharacter, Louie Checov, will makeus forget all about Robertson'smiserable play," "Well, anyway ,he'll make us forget. "

Mr. Van Vliet went on to saythat Shadwell and "Johnnie" Mc-Leod, the other two replacements,would be certain starters. "Sta-tistics," said UBC's popular ath •letic mentor, "have shown that34 out of 50 . . ., and I ern relyingon this unshakeable fact to bringus victor'' come Saturday"

"I am confident that "Johnnie"and "Shad" will do truly horriblethings to our 'Opponents in th egame. As for those loogans, Frank-lin and Barton, the less said abou tthem, the better . Farg'! "

CO.OPERATING WITH THE AUTHORITIES TO KEEP TRANSIT ROLLIN GAND WAR rRODUCTION INCREASING .

'bet',"Oreat-it.''it", hit t . , ,. r

"

Van Vliet Farg's

1

Barton . . .

. . . Farg'd

r

Franklin And

Robertson Mad

As They Are

Dropped From

Hoop Team

By Van Vliet

To Mrs. Heddy

FOR HAVING EXACT FARE READY !

We'd like to s py "thank you" to Mrs . llcdily, for alway shaving her exact fare ready . When she boards ono ofour vehicles, she never has to turn her purse inside ou tto find the proper change . And when she uses a transfer,she presents it to the operator face up and unfolded.

She helps us save seconds in these busy days alien tim eis our most precious commodity . And we are grateful .