discordian magazine 1_july_98

8/14/2019 Discordian Magazine 1_July_98

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/discordian-magazine-1july98 1/8

HAIL ERIS!

Invoking this paradigm

does not mean that one

worships Chaos, as one would

a God - or endorses Chaos in

the form of willful acts of

disorder or destruction, as a

social philosophy. It is just a

way of saying that CHAOS

RULES: there it is. Chaos has

its own virtual certainty that

outlasts every attempt at

Order. It is Chaos that allowsOrder to exist. Every time we

notice the Chaos still ever-

present beyond the thin veil of

Order - the Dropshadow behind

the Illumination - Archangel

and Penumbra - we

acknowledge its power and

presence, just to be on the side

that is winning. And so we the

avatars of modern

Discordianism - not

The above was given us by Sondra

London, aka Elestria. Sondra Lon

don is known for her controversia

writing on the topic of serial killers

She is also married to Kerry

Thornley, who, along with Greg Hill

was one of the principal writers o

the Principia Discordia.

A Newsletter by

Discordians for

whoever will

read it

July 1998

Issue 1, Vol. 1

F R E E

The human race will

begin solving its problems on

the day that it ceases taking

itself so seriously.

- Malaclypse The Younger

Principia Discordia

Behemoth RisingFiction - we think - by Petter Mårtensson

I'm an angel. I kill

newborns while their mamas

watch. I turn cities into salt. And

occasionally, when I feel like it,

I tear little girls apart. And from

now till kingdom come... the

only thing you can count on...

in your existence... is never

understanding why.

- Gabriel

Gods Army

James Lovejoy stared at the

buildings that surrounded him,

the neon lights of the casinos

dark and the streets empty and

silent. It was Las Vegas, he knew

that much, since he and Jefferson

had spent a lot of their spare time

here. He remembered all the good

times they used to have,

gambling with government

money - the taxpayers had to

sacrifice something for the

Better Good - and the ladies that

would escort them home after a

lucky streak. He remembered that

sweet girl, Alice he thought her

name had been, that he had met.

Oh, she was pretty indeed. The

breasts, and the lips, the erotic

Continued on Page 6...

Early Bavarian

Illuminati mind

control device

discouraged or defeated by

Chaos, but rather affirmed and

endorsed - greet you with a

hearty HAIL ERIS! to which

one of a like mind might

respond, ALL HAIL ERIS

DISCORDIA!

Her Elestriousness

The Horrendest Discordian

Have a look at

http://www.sondralondon.com

and

http://www.sondralondon.com/

new/thornley/thornley.html

In this issue...¨ Why nothing has any point

¨ Advice on selecting a deity

¨ Rocket-propelled cabbages

¨ Random Photos

¨ The X-Day fiasco

¨ Angels with dirty wings

¨ Fnord

http://www.sondralondon.com/new/thornley/thornley.html






July 1998July 1998July 1998July 1998July 199822222

Editorial Hogwash:Why nothing really matters, part 1 of 2.

My current model for the na-

ture of the universe is that it is a

point, a dimensionless constuct. Its

like a single mirror with nothing

opposing it to reflect, and that mir-

ror is the only thing in existence. According to the big bang

theory (although this still works

without it), the universe is expand-

ing. As matter and space expand,

they create reality in their path. So

the boundaries of reality increase,

although not at the expense of the

Nothing outside reality, since

theres an infinite amount of that

by definition. The big bang theory

is talking about the universe, but

the same holds true no matter how

many orders of magnitude up youwant to take it (since you cant run

out of Nothing).

So, zoom out to the largest

definition of the universe/reality. Ill

call that Existence. Outside of Ex-

istence is Nothing. Not little-n noth-

ing, but Nothing.... the absence of

even the possibility of Something.

Looking at Existence as a

whole, theres only one. Just one

Existence. Since outside that Ex-

istence is Nothing, there isnt any-

thing to hold Existence up to in

comparison. Thats what makes it

a zero-dimensional point. Think-

ing of Existence as a sphere float-

ing in blackness muddles things...

Nothing doesnt have any dimen-

sions, there cant be a sphere float-ing in it because that would be

three-dimensional. So, any dimen-

sions are entirely internal to Exist-

ence.

Since Existence cannot be

compared to anything else (there

isnt anything else), it has no point.

For something to have a point, it

needs to relate to other things. If I

eat a Swiss Cake Roll, the point of

my action may be to fuel my cells

and continue to live. So within Ex-

istence, internally, things can havea point. But in the broadest sense,

Existence doesnt have any point.

Something which makes me

like that theory is that it continues

to remain sound (or as sound as it

is now, you may debate that) even

if some other philosophy or reli-

gion is 100% true. Because Exist-

ence is completely all-encompass-

ing, it would be inclusive of God.

So the universe could have a point,

as defined by God, but Existence

(God + universe) lacks a point.

Dear Bobo,

With all the trouble and discord in the modern world, my wife and I havebeen considering investing in a religion. After doing a little research and

talking with a few brokers I became very confused. With all the choices

available today, how can my wife and I choose a deity that fits our needs

- Seeking Salvation, Djibouti

Well dear reader, its a sad fact that in todays world a deity who isnt

omniscient and omnipotent just isnt worth the investment. This leaves a

handful of big name gods, with Jehovah/Allah in the forefront. However,

caution against worshiping any of these gods, as they are all wanted crimi

nals. Dont believe me? Well, consider the so-called good Samaritan

laws now present in many US cities and strange foreign lands such asFrance. Basically, they state that a witness to a crime must lend aid to the

victim and attempt to stop the crime to the extent of their ability, as long as

he dont put himself in unreasonable danger. Not only have gods such as

Jehovah violated this law, but they have done so many times. Being omni

scient, they see all crimes as they are committed. Being omnipotent, they

posses the power to stop all those crimes with no danger to themselves. Ye

they do nothing, flagrantly violating the law. For this reason, I feel that God

cant be trusted and should not be worshiped. As smaller gods just don

cut it today, religion is a very poor investment and should only be under

taken for its entertainment value. I also urge all my readers to write to thei

Congressman and Attorney Generals [or their equivalent in your country o

residence - Ed.] demanding that something be done to apprehend these

criminal gods, the worst repeat offenders in the universe.

Ask

Bobo!Let B o bo t he C hi m

p, of f i ci a l D i scor

d i a n S a i nt ,

sol v e y ou r pr o bl e m

s f or y ou !

? is a production of the Ambrose Bierce Mexican Travel

Agency Cabal . We at the ABMTAChave a sneaking suspicion thatthere are far more (self-pro-claimed) Discordians out therethan most people think. Thisnewsletter is intended to pro- vide Discordians with the knowl-edge that yes, there really aremore of us, and that yes, we re-ally Do Stuff. We hope that it alsoserves as a means of contactingfellow Discordians. Were alsokinda hoping that its fun to read.

Would you like to discoverfurther editions of this newslet-ter lying in wait in your mailboxon a semi-regular basis (forfree, of course)? Good! Thatmeans the subliminal program-ming was a success fnord! Email your postal address to:

[email protected]

The net is currently the onlyreliable way to contact us, as weare frequently out of the coun-try doing various and sundry

things that you need not knowabout until its too la... er... until we decide its time to tell you thegood news. You can visit our as-toundingly cool web site at:

members.xoom.com/ABMTAC

There you will find a complete,scanned copy of the PrincipiaDiscordia, Discordian propa-ganda, info on the upcoming 6thEdition of the PrincipiaDiscordia, and links toDiscordians all over the place.

Would you like to submisomething for the newsletter?Good! Less work for us! Send ito the email address previouslymentioned.

Wed like to thank the following hep cats for submittingstuff and helping us distribute

Slag the PitlionHoL

Micheal NelsonPetter Mårtensson



Mr. Wizards

A tomic Soup Ki tchen

Advancing mad science for a

better tomorrow!

July 1998July 1998July 1998July 1998July 1998 33333

A s many Discordians are aware, cabbages now rest on the shoulders of most of society. Recently, one such vegetable

attempted to infiltrate the Ambrose Bierce Mexican Travel Agency Cabal . The daring ruffage posed as a member o

the Church of the SubGenius, but members of the ABMTAC soon realized that it was not nearly stupid enough to be what i

claimed. We were forced to take immediate action. As it was also X-Day, when those little flying saucers were due to arrive and

destroy the Earth, we decided to sacrifice the cabbage in defense of the planet. Read on, and experience the wonders of

science.

It was determined that the bottom of the cabbage wouldmake a more aerodynamic nose. Thus, a sharp knife was

used to cut a cylindrical hole in the top of the cabbage. An

Estes model rocket engine was then inserted into the hole

and pounded in tightly.

Next, four identical balsa wood fins were cut using a pen knife.

Four vertical slits were cut at even intervals along the sides of

the cabbage to accomodate the fins. There was some question

as to whether the fins would remain properly attached, but the

cabbage was firm enough to hold them securely when they

were inserted into the slits. Three small balsa wood legs were

added at the base of the cabbage to allow it to stand.




Predictably, the flight characteristics of the cabbage were unpredictable. Note the flame and billowing

smoke being emitted from the posterior of the cabbage. We are speculating that the blurring effect

was caused by the unusual spacetime distortion properties inherent to cabbages.

The cabbage finally came to rest, impacted into the

ground. Miraculously, none of the fins were damaged.

Note the absence of the rocket engine; that shot,flaming, fifteen feet out of the cabbage when the small

charge designed to eject the parachute in a model

rocket was fired.

Since the cabbage obviously was not injured seriously

enough by its flight, Madog, official Space Lord of the

ABMTAC, smashed it to bits against a brick wall. Let

that be a lesson to you, cabbages.

A nd so it was that the insidious cabbage infiltration of the ABMTAC was squashed. As a side note, the cabbage acheivedlow Earth orbit, where it impacted a plasma vent on the lead X-ist pleasure saucer. Our scientists speculate that this caused

a plasma backflow which destroyed the central guidance computer for the entire fleet, thus averting the destruction of the

Earth. Although this was not the intention of the ABMTAC in launching the cabbage, we are rather glad, because the Earth is

where we keep all our stuff.



On July 5, hundreds of followersof the SubGenius religion gathered

at the Brushwood Folklore Center in

Sherman, New York to be rescued

by alien flying saucers from the

supposed destruction of the Earth.

The official Church of the

SubGenius, headed by Reverend Ivan

Stang and a man calling himself

Jesus, organized the gathering.

According to SubGenii mythology, an

extra-terrestrial race known as the

X-ists planned to destroy human

civilization on the morning of the 5th

and feed on the human souls

released by the massive casualties.

Seventeen alien spacecraft

were spotted over the Sherman area

at approximately 7 am. As the

saucers approached the Folklore

Center, their motions became erratic,

X-ist pleasuresaucers crashSubGenii puzzled over cause of crash

and it became clear that they had

gone out of control. All of the saucers

then plummeted to the earth, the forceof the impact lodging them into the

ground. Nothing was observed

entering or exiting the spacecraft,

and none of the SubGenii present

were injured.

When Air Force personnel

arrived approximately 20 minutes

after the crash, all 17 saucers had

mysteriously disappeared, leaving

behind large craters in the ground.

An unidentified group of Discordians

appeared, the members of which

distributed Erisian propaganda to the

disheartened SubGenii. The

SubGenii, when Stang attempted to

calm them, coated their leader in

motor oil and pink feathers and threw

him into a nearby lake.

Ezekiel Afghanistan, a Sherman

resident who lives next door to the

Saucer-shaped alien spacecraft crashed in Sherman, New York on the

5th. The cause of the crash remains a mystery.

Folklore Center, witnessed a strange

event taking place in the midst of the

crash. There are some trees in

between my house and where the

saucers were crashing, said

Afghanistan. I was looking through

them at the ships, and then I noticed

there was this chimpanzee dressed

in leiderhosen swinging from a tree

branch and shouting Argwuffle!

Argwuffle! or something. I dont

know why, but that creeped me out

more than all them UFOs.

The SubGenii, a fringe pseudo

religious group which was created

approximately 50 years ago, is

dedicated to the worship of a clip-ar

image of a pipe-smoking man

named Bob Dobbs and to the

acquisition of slack. Slack

according to the Church, is a state o

being in which an individual need

not do any work he does no

personally wish to do. Members o

the Church maintain that they were

in fact, rescued by the saucers.

by Mephistopheles F. Jones

Reporter

Police in Roswell, New

Hampshire were called in on

Sunday to investigate claims that

a nine year old boy, Edward

Quetzlcoatl Jr. III, was visited by a

supernatural entity earlier that day.

He was wearing long white

robes, and he had a beard and a

glowing gold halo, said

Quetzlcoatl. Oh yeah, and he had

these big-ass wings.

Police are investigating

reports that the alleged angeltalked Quetzlcoatl, a member of

his churchs youth choir, into

accompanying him into the

bathroom. Other choir members

who followed the pair into the

Choir boy touched by an angelby Mephistopheles F. Jones

Reporter restroom say they witnessed the

winged being fondling Quetzlcoatl.I dont understand what the

fuss is all about, said Mauritanius

Fitzgerald, head priest of

Quetzlcoatls church. An angel

visited this boy, and he was doing

the Lords work. It is not our part,

as men and women of faith, to

question the motives of God. The

laws of the state do not apply here,

whatever the police may say. If it

is true that the angel touched

young Edwards private parts, then

he surely did so in a wholely holymanner. If the Lord should bid me

to fondle young boys, I would do it

without a second thought.

Divine or no, said Roswell

detective Miguel Uranus, if this

guy is on United States soil, he is

subject to United States law. Wecant have supernatural entities

running amok in the streets,

fondling children and whatnot, now

can we?

Although many patriotic

songs, such as the national

anthem, and documents, such as

the Declaration of Independence

and even the one dollar bill

suggest that the United States

exists under God, no special

provisions exist in law for

representatives of said deity. Whenasked about the absence of

regulations governing

supernatural activities, a

spokesman at the White House

replied, All of this God-fearing

business is crap, quite frankly

Candidates for President oCongress have to do the humble

servant of the Lord bit to be

elected, and they know that. They

also know that the voters are too

stupid to hold them to any of tha

humanitarian, decent human

being garbage once theyve

already been elected. Just so long

as the economy is good and the

voters can tell themselves theyve

made a stand for their values

everythings fine. All of thats of

the record, of course. Anyone seeing a tall, bearded

man with white robes and large

feathered wings should report his

whereabouts to the Roswell Police

Department immediately.





aura that just hung around her

like a cloud of smoke around a

smoker.....

Jefferson had shot her. The

image of her lying bleeding in the

alley next to their

hotel was still

sharp inside

Lovejoys mind.

The blood.....henever knew that

there could come

so much blood

out of a hole that

small......

But that had

been ten years

ago at least.

They had

covered their

tracks as they

were trained to

do and couldreturn to

Washington DC

the day after. Not

one question

asked. He had

seen Alices face

on a carton of

milk once.

Missing it said. He didnt buy

milk for weeks afterwards in case

he would see those eyes again.

They stared at him when he tried

to sleep.But what was he doing in

Las Vegas? Last he could

remember he was in Washington,

falling asleep next to the $50

hooker. His wife had gone to her

mothers for the weekend and

she had taken the kids with her.

Had he been drugged? And why

were all the lights out? Las Vegas

never slept.....

Lovejoy started to walk

down the street. He looked down

at his feet and saw that he wasnt

wearing any shoes. It felt rather

odd, but at the same time right.

One shouldnt wear any shoes

in holy places, he thought. And

this place is holy. A woman died

here. I killed her . That makes it

holy. Holy blood. Like Jesus.

Suddenly he could hear

laughter. It cut through the

silence like a knife through butter

and tore right through his heart.

Its beautiful. Ive never heard

something that beautiful in my

entire life.

The sound came from oneof the casinos. Its neon lights

were dark as well, but light

streamed out from the inside and

onto the pavement. It looked as

if the light had became solid, and

Lovejoy would have to climb

over it to reach the other side.

But as he stepped into the light

its warmth spread into his body

and up to his head. He

felt.....alive. Something he hadn´t

done since that night, ten years

ago.

Las Vegas, the town of

broken dreams and last hopes.

Where people who already had

money gambled for more money,

where people who had money

lost all their money and left town

with their heads held low. Where

the dice rolled, the cards were

dealed and sin prospered. James

Lovejoy loved the place. He

walked up the stairs to the

casino, wearing his expensive

Armani suit and his new, well-

polished shoes. He was the king

of the world, and he was here toconquer.

He reached the top of the

stairs, walked past the guard

who nodded at him and into the

casinos main hall. The place was

huge - it must have been built

recently - and was filled with

people. The word glamorous

popped into Lovejoys head and

he smiled. He was one of the

beautiful people. He was one of

the chosen ones.

Then he turned and saw one

of the waitresses standing beside

him. She was wearing a mini skirt

that showed a lot of her long

beautiful legs. Her long blond

hair fell over her shoulders and

her shirt showed a generous

amount of flesh. Lovejoy tore his

eyes from her breasts and looked

at the tray she held in her hand

It was occupied by an ashtray

and a couple of books.

The ashtray was

round and clean of

cigarrettes. It showed the

classic ying-yang signexcept for the fact that the

black and white spot

had been replaced by an

apple and a pentagon

Wondering what it could

mean he looked up to see

the waitress madly

grinning at him. She

handed him one of the

books, and he accepted

it. She had started to

scare him.

Then he looked aher namesign. Then he

looked up again.

This isn

happening, he said.

*******

When seen from

behind, the three person

standing on the top of the hil

looked like big, muscular men

Mostly because all of them had

crew cut hair and wore long, darkand heavy trenchcoats tha

covered most of their figures

When seen from the front

though, one could see that two

of them were female, and that the

third wore a featureless mask of

ivory that hid any trace of the

persons gender. They were tall

over 6 feet, and they were armed

Im getting tired of

waiting, one of the women said

She was beautiful, and her nose

was pierced with three rings. She

looked at her two companions

with hard, blue eyes.

Ive been tired of waiting

since this started, the other

woman told her, taking a seat on




the damp grass. They have

taken too long a time getting

everything into order . I can see

traces of madness at the edge of

my vision, mocking me. Damn

them. There isnt enough time.

There has never been

enough time, and there never will

be, the first woman said and

looked to the sky. She fingeredher gun absently. And soon all

of this will have to end. Damn

Alabaster and his damn

metaphysics. He is wasting our

time. Action should be taken

now!

The person with the ivory

mask only giggled.

*******

And St. John the Divine

wrote And they had a king over

them, which is the angel of the

bottomless pit, whose name in

the Hebrew tounge is Abaddon,

but the Greek tounge hath his

name Appolyon. One woe is

past; and, behold, there come

two more woes hereafter.

And then he sighed. Dont

let them fall for it, my Lord . And

he closed his book for the day.

*******

Samuel had waited for this

day for three years. He had been

accepted into the cult when he

was only twelve because the

High Priest had seen the abilities

the boy possessed. He hadnt

been allowed to try any magick

at all yet, and he had never seen

any of the other magicians who

lived in the dark house use it

either. Not once in three years.

He had many times felt that he

had been tricked, and that these

people didnt know anything

about the occult lore they so

often talked about. The only

thing that Samuel had been

taught was boring metaphysics

and chaos theory - but most of it

was pure mathematics. He could

have been studying these things

at a normal school.

But tonight it was finally

going to happen. The High

Priest, Noak, had summoned

Samuel to his study two days

ago and told him that they weregoing to summon a fallen angel,

and that the young adept had

been chosen to attend. He wasnt

going to do much, except recite

the chant he had been working

on all day. He could feel the hair

on the back of his neck rise.

Sweat broke on his forehead and

he clenched his fists until his

knuckles turned white and his

nails bit into his flesh.

Noak reached within his

robe and produced a long knifeand a white, long, feather. The

knife reflected the dim light as

he raised it into the air. Then he

ran it across his arm and the

blood fell on the feather, staining

it. With a booming voice he

recited some magick words and

held the feather above his head.

Servant of the dark,

servant of the fallen, come to

us.... he began. Samuel had

never felt such a rush in his entire

life. But then Noak suddenly fellsilent.

Ok, thats enough, the

High Priest said and lowered his

arm. I suppose we have gotten

your attention so you might as

well come. I could mumble magick

spells all night and make you

come here by force. But I see no

reason to do that, because it

would just be annoying for both

of us.

Samuel was shocked. That

was not the proper way to adress

a fallen angel. Where were the

dramatics, the magick?

Something formed inside

the circle. At first it seemed like

smoke, but slowly it became more

substantial. A cold wind blew

through the room, and a terrible

smell hit Samuels nostrils. He

had to turn his face and cover

his nose to stop himself from

throwing up. For a moment he

thought he heard the beating of

great wings.

The smell receded and

Samuel looked back at the circle.Inside it stood a tall man, but he

didnt look as the angel the

young boy had expected. He

didnt have any wings and he

didnt wear clothes that suited

an angel. Instead he wore a

brown trenchcoat (he could at

least be wearing a black one,

Samuel thought), blue jeans and

heavy boots. His hair was blond

and fell over his shoulders. But

his face was so beautiful, and

Samuel didnt doubt for a secondthat this was the one they had

wanted. The fallen angel.

You are right, Noak, the

angel said pointing at the High

Priest. Rituals can be so boring.

I usually just watch the humans

make fools out of themselves.

Then I come. Laughing. The

angel and Noak smiled at each

other. It has been ten years,

magician. This is the fifth time

you summon me. I think I should

kill you for that.Another day, Memmon,

Noak said. You are bound within

the circle. The angel kept on

smiling. But that is not why I

have summoned you, the High

Priest went on. You probably

can think of why. There has been

a major magickal flux on the

divine level during the last

week. I would really like to know

what has been going on.

Magickal flux? Memmon

asked, and his smile widened.

Thats what they call it these

days? Ah, nevermind. It hasnt

been a very good week, Ill tell

you that. And now this.... The

angel sighed. But OK. I will tell

To be continued!

you what has happened.

A new angel has been

born.

*******

And on the eighth day, God

wept, because he saw that which

he had created was foul and

unholy. And he saw the humansdo war upon each other with

weapons of iron and fire. And

he raised his mighty hand to

smash it to pieces. But then Eris

came to him and spoke; don

be angered, old man. Your time

is at an end. What you have

created is foul and unholy. But I

see the humor in it. So I will take

control of your world from this

day forth. And then she fel

silent.

And God stopped weepingand rejoiced. But he saw tha

Eris was the goddess o

Confusion, and since God is very

wise he felt that balance was

needed. So he called upon Eriss

counterpart to make things

more interesting. This

counterpart was called Aneris

Aneris was the god of Order. And

from that day Disorder and

Order have been opposed, the

eternal struggle that holy men

call the Sacred Chao.- Cabal of Turbulent Discord

The Book of Holy Words

chapter 1.

*******

Check out The Holy Order

of the Fisher Queen, main

tained by Petter, at:

http://fisherqueen.ml.org



A m b r o s e B i e r c eMexican Travel Agency

ABMTAC Orlando

V i s i t

u s a t

h t t p : / / m e m b e r s . x

o o m . c o m / A B M T A C

Principia Discordia 6th Edition Project

Spiffy 100% scanned Principia Discordia , if you like that sort of thing

The mysterious origins of Bobo the Chimp

Home base of this very newsletter

Detailed, no-nonsense explanation of just what a fnord is

Discordian propaganda and stuff

More weird clip art

F e a t ur i n g...

Y Y Y Y Y o u K n

o u K n

o u K n

o u K n

o u K n o o o o o w Y w Y w Y w Y w Y o u W

o u W

o u W

o u W

o u W a n t T

a n t T

a n t T

a n t T

a n t T o ! o ! o ! o ! o !

Are you tired of your dog running away, get-

ting lost, tangling its leash in shrubberies, and

being all-around cumbersome? The problem is

obvious: dogs have legs!

With the fantastic new RollerPup from

GrayPhase, Inc., inconvenient pets are a thing

of the past! For the amazingly low price of$19.95, your exisiting dog can be converted

from an irritating quadruped to a convenient

RollerPup!

Call 1-800-NO-LEGS today!

go ahead, pin it up on your fridge, ass hole. - Timothy Sutter

LOGIC

n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and

incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consist

ing of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion -- thus:

Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as

quickly as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;

therefore --

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.

This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by

combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are

twice blessed.

- Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary

discordian magazine 1_july_98

Documents