DISSECTING THE STIGMA 1

Dissecting the Stigma: A Relational Analysis of the Triad Between Mother-in-law, Son,

and Daughter-in-Law

Kenneth Wagner and Jessica Shaw Fletcher

University of North Texas

Introduction

Throughout history there has been a widely distributed stigma regarding mothers-

in-law as a horror which all innocent, newly married women fear and abhor. According to

many, mothers-in-law are portrayed as the bane of society and a hindrance to young love.

This relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a commonly discussed

one, yet it has not been commonly researched, as to prove its horrendous reputation true

or false. Because of the existing stereotypes of this mother-in-law and daughter-in-law re-

lationship struggle, it is important to study the implications it has and find the legitimacy

(or lack thereof) of many young women’s fears. By using the Triangular Theory of Com-

munication and Relationships of In-laws and the Uncertainty Reduction Theory in con-

junction with interviews by many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, we can see just

how accurate the current stigma is or shed some light on the positive attributes being

widely ignored or overlooked by society. This study will allow common misconceptions

to be corrected and more functional, healthy relationships to occur once mothers-in-law

and daughters-in-law see each perspective and resign themselves to a mutual respect for

one another.

Literature Review

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, over 2.5 million

marriages took place in the United States in 2009. From the moment a couple says “I do”,

they are embarking on life with a not only a new spouse, but also with the family that ac-

companies their mate. This can be a joyous occasion for many or prove to be a great chal-

lenge for others. While marriage can bring new siblings, cousins, aunts, or uncles into the

picture, this study is focused solely on the development between a mother in-law and

daughter in-law. Studies on the often-volatile relationship between mother in-law and

daughter in-law have appeared between the pages of Cosmo, where authors strive to give

tips to fretful daughters in-law on how to impress their mothers in-law. While research on

this relationship used to seemingly be limited to popular culture magazines, scholars have

recently begun uncovering the dynamics which exist between these two roles. Because

the face of the American family has become so diverse and varied, research has sought to

study the changing landscape which now encompasses the family unit. The new look of

the American family has led to increased research concerning step-families, blended fam-

ilies, cohabitating couples, adoptive families and other manifestations of family (Braith-

waite & Baxter, 2006; Galvin, 2006; Stanley, Rhodes & Markman, 2006). Most recently,

research has turned to the relationship between the in-laws.

Popular Culture

According to the April 2008 issue of Cosmopolitan 60% of women report having

a negative relationship with their mothers in-law. This statistic spurred a two-page article

giving the top ten ways to impress one’s mother in-law. This relationship topic has graced

the cover of Cosmo seven times since 2003. Other popular women’s magazines, such as

Allure, also commonly provide readers with insight into the minds of mother in-laws to

help aid dysfunctional relationships.

For years, sitcoms have utilized the relationship between the mother in-law and

daughter in-law as a source of humor. Televisions shows like Everybody Loves Raymond

are able to consistently amuse viewers with the frustration of the daughter in-law and the

stereotypical actions of the demonized mother in-law. In the United States, there is cer-

tainly an existing stigma which portrays mother in-laws in a negative light, and these me-

dia outlets help to maintain it.

When entering the term “mother in-law” in popular search engines, the results

suggest dysfunctional relationships. Common results were “mothers in-law from hell”,

“how to cope with an awful mother in-law”, “mother in-law venting- post your horror sto-

ries here”, etc. It is evident that this relationship has made its mark on popular culture;

however, the information gained from these popular culture sources are typically comedic

and based more on personal experiences and hearsay rather than actual research.

Scholarly Research

Until the 1980’s, little to no research studies had been conducted to explore or ex-

plain the relationship dyad between the mother in-law and daughter in-law. Despite a re-

newed interest in family communication, in-law relationships have continued to be ne-

glected. In fact, in an analysis of family communication research published from 1990

through 2003, only one study specifically focused on in-law communication (Baxter &

Braithwaite, 2006). According to Fischer (1983),

The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship has been a neglected

issue in research on American families. Radcleff-Brown (as cited in Duvall,

1954, p.119) notes that across cultures, relationships with mothers-in-law, for

both men and women, are the principal points of tension in the situation created

by marriage. In American, British and Western societies, surveys consistently

have indicated mothers-in-law to be the most disliked of all relatives. (Duvall

1954) (p. 119)

Most often, the research until this point had conclusively designated the relationship be-

tween MIL and DIL to be a negative one. The study designs gave little room for positive

responses towards the mother in-laws, and often subtly encouraged the animosity of the

daughter in-laws (Fischer, 1983). Typically, research has depicted the daughter in-law to

be a quietly submissive, yet resentful woman who gives into the wishes of the overly con-

trolling and intrusive mother in-law in order to preserve harmony amongst the triad. Ex-

isting research has nearly always viewed the relationship between MIL and DIL from the

DIL’s perspective. This “mismatch” of relational perceptions was also reported in Baden-

Marotz and Cowan’s (1987) study on intergenerational farm and ranch families. The re-

sults showed nearly twice as many daughters in-law reported problems within the rela-

tionship as did mothers in-law. New research, however, seeks to discover the missing

pieces in this relationship. “This call for research regarding in-law relationships extends

beyond the mere ‘plugging’ of a theoretical hole; empirical research regarding this dy-

namic relationship has practical implications as well” (Mikucki, 2007).

Disclosure and Marital Satisfaction

Several factors can have a profound affect on the sensitive relationship between a

mother in-law and daughter in-law. Research suggests disclosure can be one of the big-

gest aids or hindrances to maintaining successful communication (Morr Serewicz & Ca-

nary, 2008). Mothers in-law who felt they were included in the lives of their son and

daughters in-law were much more amiable in the relationship; however, when they felt

isolated or left out of the loop (purposefully or otherwise), they could become quite intru-

sive and manipulative (Petronio, 2002). It was also interesting to note the functionality of

the relationship between MIL and DIL had a positive affect on marital satisfaction (Morr

Serewicz & Canary, 2008). Bryant, Conger, and Meehan (2001) found that the quality of

in-law relationships is associated with marital success for both husbands and wives. The

authors also found that a wife’s conflict with her in-laws has a more detrimental effect on

marital satisfaction than does a husband’s conflict with in-laws. When the MIL and DIL

held a harmonious relationship, the marriage between son and DIL saw strong positive

effects. Not surprisingly, the inverse was also true; the dysfunctional relationship be-

tween MIL and DIL led to issues within the marriage of son and DIL. Norwood and

Webb (2006) stated, “If a man’s wife and mother do not get along, then he and his wife

find their marriage less satisfying” (p.19). When daughters in-law sought to include

mothers in-law in the life of their son and maintain open and honest communication, a

mutual respect was formed (Fischer, 1983).

While these results demonstrate the impact that in-law relationships can have on

the marital satisfaction, much is still unknown about the parent and child-in-law

relationship itself, specifically the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship.

Researchers have yet to elucidate why there is sometimes friction or conflict in

the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship; in other words, we have yet to

grasp an understanding of this complex relationship (Mikucki, 2007).

Theoretical Framework

The relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is complex and

multidimensional. To attempt to better understand the communication and the relation-

ship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, this study uses two communication

theories, the Triangular Theory of Communication and Relationships of In-laws and the

Uncertainty Reduction Theory. After analyzing the data and reviewing previous literature

on mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships, a combination of these two commu-

nication theories emerged as the best method to understanding the data.

The Triangular Theory of Communication and Relationships of In-laws focuses

on factors that affect the triangular relationship between a husband, spouse, and the in-

law. Although the scope of this study only included mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law

rather than include the third member of the triad, the husband, this theory can be applied

to this study for multiple reasons. First, because the relationship between mothers-in-law

and daughters-in-law typically only exist because of a connection to the husband or son, a

relational triad can be assumed, even when only focusing a dyad within that relationship.

Additionally, the husbands or sons are present throughout the data. Regardless of whether

the participant being interviewed was a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, almost all of

the stories recalled revolved around the husband or mentioned him in the story at least

once. Finally, multiple dyads can exist within a triadic relationship. For example, al-

though the relationship between husband, daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is triadic, a

dyad may exist between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, the mother-in-law

and the husband, and the husband and the daughter-in-law.

Relational Triads

Before attempting to understand the Triangular Theory of Communication and

Relationships of In-laws, one first must understand triads and triangles. A triadic relation-

ship has three main components or people within it. The relationship between husband,

daughter-in-law, and mother-in-law fits into a linchpin triad. The linchpin triad is a non-

voluntary relationship in were two members of the relationship are held together by a

third party, the linchpin (Morr Serewicz, 2008). In this relationship, the linchpin is the

husband, who holds the other two members of the relationship, the mother-in-law and the

daughter-in-law, together. Typical relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-

in-law are nonvoluntary and only exist because of the husband, which reinforces the cate-

gorization of this relationship as a linchpin triad.

Regardless of the dissatisfaction that a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law may ex-

perience from the relationship, the relationship cannot be ended because of the linchpin.

This nonvoluntary nature of the triad adds to the dimensions and complexity of the rela-

tional triad (Morr Serewicz, 2008). Because of a spouse’s relationship with her husband

and a mother’s relationship to her son, one of them choosing to remove themselves from

the triad is unlikely and rare (Morr Serewicz, 2008). Additionally, the dyad between

mother-in-law and daughter-in-law represents the weakest link in the triad (Morr

Serewicz, 2008). The relationship between husband and daughter-in-law is typically

stronger than the relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law. The

same is typically true for the relationship between the son and the mother-in-law com-

pared to the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. This compounds

the complexities of dyad between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.

Although this study does not address the husband, the linchpin’s importance

within the triad cannot be ignored. As previously stated, the linchpin is typically the rea-

son the relationship is formed and maintained (Morr Serewicz, 2008). In addition to be-

ing the reason for the relationship, the linchpin also plays a major role in the relationship

and how satisfactory the relationship is to the other dyad, in this case the daughter-in-law

and the mother-in-law. If a positive dyad exists between the daughter-in-law and the hus-

band, as well as the husband and the mother-in-law, it is more likely that a positive dyad

between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law will exist (Morr Serewicz, 2008). The

opposite can also be assumed, as a negative dyad between mother-in-law and husband or

daughter-in-law and husband will result in a negative dyad between mother-in-law and

daughter-in-law. Additionally, the linchpin may often fill the role of negotiator or impar-

tial mediator between the other members in the triad. This can cause strain not only on

the linchpin, but also on the additional dyads in the relationship (Morr Serewicz, 2008).

Triangular Theory of the Communication and Relationships of In-laws

The previously described characteristics of relational triads demonstrate why this

particular relationship provides in interesting and valuable area to study. The Triangular

Theory of the Communication and Relationship of In-laws provides an excellent frame-

work to investigate the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Tak-

ing the nature of triads into consideration, the Triangular Theory of the Communication

and Relationship of In-laws presents four assumptions or principles.

Assumptions

Assumption 1: The defining characteristics of the in-law relationships are the nonvolun-

tary and triadic nature of the relationship. This assumption is based on the nonvoluntary

nature of the relationship and the involvement of the linchpin within the triad. The rela-

tionship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law was created strictly because of the

husband. Regardless of negative aspects in the dyad between the mother-in-law and

daughter-in-law, the potential loss of the relationship with the husband is too great of a

cost to end the dyad (Morr Serewicz, 2008). Additionally, if the relationship between

the linchpin and one of the other members of the triad is positive, the dyad between

mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will likely be more positive. If the relationship is

negative, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dyad will be more negative (Morr Serewicz,

2008).

Assumption 2: The in-law relationship usually exists as the weak side of a triangle in

which the other two sides represent strong ties. This assumption focuses on power within

the triad. Typically, the ties between the husband and the mother-in-law are strong, as are

the ties between the husband and the daughter-in-law. However, this assumption states

that the power between these dyads is not typically equal (Morr Serewicz, 2008). In most

in-law relationships, the ties between the husband and daughter-in-law are stronger than

those between husband and mother-in-law. Morr Serewicz (2008) states that “the more

powerful in-law can affect outcomes of the less powerful in-law to the extent that the less

powerful in-law is motivated (by love for the linchpin) to remain in the triad” (p. 269).

Conversely, if there is not a large difference in power between dyads, the weak tie be-

tween the in-laws has a greater potential to strengthen (Morr Serewicz, 2008).

Assumption 3: The in-law triangle is constantly in flux. The relationship between in-laws,

like all relationships, is fluid and ever changing. This assumption focuses on this fluid

nature and the effect it has on the relationship. Major life events, such as the birth of a

child, can cause shifts and movement in the triad as well as the dyads within the triad.

Likewise, minor everyday events and moods of the triad members can also have a similar

effect (Morr Serewicz, 2008). The relationship is also in flux from a change of roles over

time, as the dynamic may switch from the mother-in-law providing support, such as fi-

nancial support or child care, to the husband and daughter-in-law providing support in

later life to an aging mother-in-law (Morr Serewicz, 2008). These changes, no matter

how small or large, will have an affect on the relationship.

Assumption 4: Communication among triad members carries repercussions for the triad

as a whole. This assumption focuses on the communication between the members of the

triad and how communication within specific dyads can affect the triad as a whole. In

considering the communication between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, this as-

sumption is especially true. The communication between the daughter-in-law and the

mother-in-law can have a great effect on not only the dyad between the two, but also on

the husband. If the communication between the two is positive, the chances are greater

that the whole triad will be positive (Morr Serewicz, 2008). Additionally, members of the

triad will typically “make conscious choices in their communication to maximize out-

comes for the triangle” (Morr Serewicz, 2008, p.270). In other words, mothers-in-law and

daughters-in-law typically chose their words and even communication styles carefully in

an attempt to make the triad function as best as possible. Mothers-in-law and daughters-

in-laws will also many times use the husband/son as a mediator between the dyad. The

two parties use the husband/son as a communication tool to improve the communication

process (Morr Serewicz, 2008).

Although the Triangular Theory of the Communication and the Relationships of

In-Laws provides an excellent framework to research mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

relationships, we believe it does not address one key factor of the relationship – uncer-

tainty. The relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is an excellent ex-

ample of uncertainty in a relationship. Many times, one or both members have never

filled these specific roles within this relationship before. Even if one or both members

have been a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law before, uncertainty still exists because this

is a new relationship with its own unique characteristics and features. Because of this un-

certainty and the influence it can have on the relationship, we felt the Uncertainty Reduc-

tion Theory was an appropriate tool to understand this relationship deeper than the Trian-

gular Theory of the Communication and Relationships of In-laws allowed.

Uncertainty Reduction Theory

Uncertainty reduction theory focuses on the need for humans to reduce uncer-

tainty about themselves and others when meeting. Bradac (2001) defines uncertainty as

“an interactant’s subjective sense of the number of alternative predictions available when

thinking about a partner’s future behavior” (p. 458). A greater the number of alternatives

results in a greater level of uncertainty, which should result in a greater need to reduce

the uncertainty (Bradac, 2001). The theory is based on seven axioms that describe the six

causes and three consequences of uncertainty in interactions. Bradac (2001) explains the

axioms in Figure 1 (p. 459).

Uncertainty Reduction Theory Axioms

Causes Consequences

(A1) Verbal Communication ***>- ***>- Verbal Communication (A1)

***>- Nonverbal Communication

(A3)

(A2) Nonverbal affiliative expressiveness ***>- ***>+ Info-seeking behavior (A3)

***>- Intimacy of content (A4)

***>+ Reciprocity (A5)

(A6) Similarity ***>- ***>- Linking (A7)

A1 = Axiom 1, etc.

***>+ = directly related to

***>- = inversely related to

Figure 1. Seven Axioms of Uncertainty Reduction Theory

The axioms demonstrate that person A’s amount of verbal communication, non-

verbal affiliative expressiveness, and amounts of similarities are inversely related to the

person B’s uncertainty. Person B’s uncertainty is relates inversely to the verbal communi-

cation and nonverbal affiliative expressiveness toward A and to B’s liking for A (Bradac,

2001). The seven axioms provide 21 theorems that further the theory. In simpler terms,

strangers have high levels of uncertainty in when initially meeting. This uncertainty can

be reduced by high amounts of verbal communication, assumed similarities, and nonver-

bal affiliative expressiveness. A reduction in uncertainty will increase, the likelihood of

the two parties liking each other will increase (Bradac, 2001). This theory can be applied

to the interactions of mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, as most do not interact much

before the relationship is forced to develop.

Methods

Data Collection and Participants

Because of the abundance of mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, participants

for this study were recruited informally. Graduate students in a communications course

recruited mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law that they knew to participate in the study.

Participants were asked to complete a phone interview. Consent was obtained from all

participants before each interview, and the interviews were completed by the graduate

students in the class.

The interviews focused on the relationship between the mother-in-law and the

daughter-in-law. Participants were asked to recall a memorable story that involved inter-

action or communication with their mother-in-law/daughter-in-law. Upon the participant

recalling a story, interviewers asked the participant to explain what the story conveys

about the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Participants were

then asked to create a metaphor to complete the following sentence: “My relationship

with my mother-in-law/daughter-in-law is like blank.” Demographic information, includ-

ing age, ethnicity, and how long the participant has known the mother-in-law/daughter-

in-law, was also collected.

38 phone interviews were completed and included in the data set. The average age

of participants was 40 years old with the youngest participant being 24 years old, and the

oldest being 85 years old. 84% of participants in the study were Caucasian, 7% African-

American, 5% were Hispanic and 3% were Chinese. All interviews were recorded and

timed, with an average length of 4 minutes and 33 seconds. The shortest interview was 1

minute and 35 seconds and the longest interview lasted nine minutes. Interviews were

transcribed for coding and analysis purposes.

Data Analysis

Transcriptions of the interviews were compiled and then coded by the authors.

Coding categorizes pieces of the data. This allows the data to be sorted and any potential

themes to arise. Coding is a vital step in taking the collected data and developing theory

to understand the data (Charmaz, 2006). The data for this study was coding using a

grounded theory approach. Grounded theory coding is a widely used method of coding

qualitative data (Lindolf & Taylor, 2002). Charmaz (2006) states that “grounded theory

coding creates the bones for your analysis” (p. 45). Grounded theory coding looks for re-

lationships between the data to emerge and guide the theory (Charmaz, 2006).

Grounded theory coding has two main phases of coding, initial coding and fo-

cused and axial coding (Charmaz, 2006). Initial coding involves generating as many

codes or categories the data will provide (Lindolf & Taylor, 2002). Additionally, initial

coding should remain closely to the data and be grounded in the data (Charmaz, 2006).

The initial phase of coding for this study’s data set was done using line-by-line coding.

Line-by-line coding is done by naming or categorizing each line of the data. This type of

coding is conducive to coding detailed data and scenes (Charmaz, 2006). The data col-

lected from the stories about the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships provide de-

tailed data that lends itself to line-by-line coding. Initial line-by-line coding was com-

pleted separately by each author. By initially coding the data separately, the coding

should be richer and more detailed. Thirty categories were developed from the data dur-

ing the initial phase of coding.

After completing the initial coding phase separately, the next phase of grounded

theory coding was completed jointly by both authors. Whereas the initial coding focuses

on each individual line of data, focused coding uses larger segments of the data for analy-

sis. Furthermore, focused coding is used to narrow down codes and manage the data

(Charmaz, 2006). The data is coded again to identify codes that occur often or frequently.

Decisions are then made to determine which codes best analyze and describe the data ac-

curately (Charmaz, 2006). From this phase of coding, the 30 codes developed during ini-

tial coding were reduced to ten codes.

After these codes were developed through focused coding, axial coding was used

to further analyze the data. Axial coding develops connections between codes (Lindolf &

Taylor, 2002). Multiple codes may be determined to be connected, and in turn place un-

der an overarching new code. Additionally, themes may emerge that connect different

groups of data (Lindolf & Taylor, 2002). More importantly, axial coding coheres the data

that was broken apart during the initial coding phase (Chamez, 2006). Axial coding al-

lows the researcher to describe the data deeper and fuller (Chamez, 2006). After com-

pleting the final phase of coding, five main themes emerged from the data: control, toler-

ance, effort/time, cultural/socio-economic differences, and admiration of mothering qual-

ities.

Results

During the initial data analysis, over thirty codes emerged; however, after further

analysis, we were able to narrow down the data to five prominent themes. These themes

were reflective of the research supporting the Triangular Theory of Communication and

Relationships of In-laws and the Uncertainty Reduction Theory. The mothers-in-laws and

daughters-in-laws shared very different stories of experiences within their relationships,

yet several similar words and phrases kept appearing throughout the data.

Control

Seemingly one of the biggest issues in the MIL/DIL dyad was the struggle for

control. The mothers-in-law felt they had a large degree of control in their sons’ lives for

many years, and many resented the daughters-in-law for compromising their influence in

the sons’ lives. In every interview, the MIL and DIL had to reconcile their new roles in

the son/husband’s life with each other. One MIL was finding the topic particularly diffi-

cult as she described in her interview:

I mean, I want my children to be happy and I want their family to be happy and I

don’t try to tell her how to do everything or anything for that matter, but she told

me I was controlling. That I’m the most controlling person she knows, but she’s

the one that’s controlling. She…has to have everything her way and that’s why she

doesn’t like me ..it’s because she can’t control me.

This mother-in-law used the analogy of “fire and water” to describer her relationship with

her daughter in law, saying “I’m very compassionate and giving. She is just the opposite.

She wants to be totally controlling on everything. So we’re totally opposite.” Control was

an issue mentioned in 17 of the 38 interviews, indicating its importance in the relation-

ship between MIL and DIL.

Tolerance

Another prominent theme in the interviews was the need for tolerance between

MIL and DIL. Because this relationship is nonvoluntary and almost always a necessary

one, the women involved had to develop tolerance for each other if a liking could not be

achieved.

Well, it was a little bit after I got married. Maybe a year. And Carol [the MIL]

called to tell my husband he wasn’t really married. See my husband was raised

Catholic and we were married in a Baptist church. So she said because he wasn’t

married in a Catholic church, I was married but he was not. We had to have a sec-

ond ceremony just for her to stop harping on it. It’s ridiculous.

This DIL said her relationship with her MIL was one of tolerance. She could not bring

herself to have a functional relationship with her mother-in-law, but for the sake of her

husband she tolerated “his mother” (she almost always referred to her MIL in terms that

placed her out of a distinct relationship with the MIL). In each of the relationships of the

participants which could be labeled dysfunctional, the MIL or DIL mentioned some level

of tolerance as being necessary to satiate the husband. Tolerance was often related to sac-

rifice amongst the participants.

Effort/Time

Surprisingly, there were many functional, constructive relationships found be-

tween MIL and DIL among the participants. Throughout the transcriptions of these rela-

tionships, the themes of effort, patience, and mutual respect emerged. It was understood

that these relationships often began rocky yet progressed to healthy, successful relation-

ships through working to learn more about each other and reducing uncertainty to estab-

lish a common ground from which the MIL and DIL could relate to each other.

My relationship with my mother-in-law is like a crossword puzzle. Because, um,

it takes time and it takes patience to understand, but if you have the patience and

you keep at it, eventually it all comes together and you feel very…satisfied by the

time it is completed.

Nine of the 38 interviews mentioned that through time and effort, they were able to de-

velop a healthy relationship with their in-laws.

Cultural/Socio-economic Differences

It was interesting to note that one of the most prominent themes found throughout

the transcriptions was the lack of understanding due to cultural and socio-economic dif-

ferences. Many of the marriages were between two people of different ethnicities, and the

mothers-in-laws and daughters-in-laws always felt that played a large role in misunder-

standings which occurred. One DIL recalls a story of an interaction with her Italian MIL

while trying to plant flowers:

I didn’t know what we were doing and what was going on…she’s in her 70’s but

let me tell you I was running to keep up with this little lady. The whole time she’s

yelling things in Italian and I’m just nodding my head. I lived in Italy for like two

weeks, and I didn’t know any Italian…and I didn’t know what the hell was going

on…and everytime I’d try to plant a flower, even though I didn’t understand Ital-

ian, I understood she was telling me I was doing it wrong.

She described her relationship as difficult because of not only the language barrier, but

also because of many cultural and age differences.

Not only were cultural differences a problem in the MIL/DIL dyad, but growing

up in different economic situations presented issues in some participants’ relationships:

Well we don’t have a whole lot in common so I don’t really ever talk to her but

maybe twice a year. Umm, she grew up in a very different background than I

did…she was brought up very poor and not to sound bad ..so she is trashy I guess.

While the socio-economic differences in the previous dyad are destructive to the relation-

ship, it is interesting to note that in some instances the differences were able to bring the

MIL and DIL closer:

My mother-in-law is kind of an old hippie. She raised my husband on a farm and

is always covered in dirt. But my mom is very proper and would always dress up.

This is how I thought all moms were…but my [MIL] isn’t. She came to me for

help. She asked me to go shopping with her for a dress because she wouldn’t

know what to pick out and she knew I would. I thought that was really nice of her

to do.

Admiration of Mothering Qualities

In dyads which were described from the mother-in-law’s perspective, it was found

that in each relationship which appeared healthy and functional, the MIL commented on

her respect of her DIL for her mothering capabilities. When little else could appease a

mother-in-law, good parenting techniques could.

My mother-in-law ended up telling me she was so proud of me as a wife and

mother. She said “you are the best mom and wife!” I could not believe it! I was

taken back that she would say that about me since she is very “open and honest”

with others in the family and often starts fights with her honesty. She continues to

compliment me as a wife and mom- and that makes me respect and trust her more

since I think she buys into the way I am parenting our two daughters.

In 7 of the 38 interviews, an appreciation for a daughter-in-law’s parenting technique was

referenced and seen as a way to develop and deepen the MIL/DIL dyad.

Discussion

This study investigated mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships and com-

munication. Using a combination of the Triangular Theory of the Communication and

Relationships of In-laws and the Uncertainty Reduction Theory, the results of the study

provide insight to this unique and complex relationship. Two of the themes that emerged

from the study reinforce the first two assumptions of the Triangular Theory of Communi-

cation and Relationships of In-laws. Control and tolerance were found to be major fac-

tors in the MIL/DIL dyad. Bother mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law reported control

issues, most often over controlling the husband, as they attempted to navigate the rela-

tionship. Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law often merely tolerated each other to make

the relationship work. As the first assumption of the theory states, the MIL/DIL relation-

ship is nonvoluntary, which results in the members of the dyad jockeying for control.

Tolerance within the dyad also reinforces this assumption. Additionally, both control and

tolerance support the second assumption that the in-law dyad is the weakest dyad within

the triad. The MIL/DIL dyad was more about tolerating and coexisting each other than

strengthening the dyad. Additionally, attempting to have the most control over the hus-

band appeared more important than strengthening the MIL/DIL dyad.

One assumption that was not supported by this study was that the triad is in con-

stant flux. While the data did show that many of the relationships were in flux early on,

most of the dyads did not demonstrate this flux continuing. One reason for this differ-

ence may be attributed to average length of relationships in this study compared to the

length of relationship in the study used to develop the theory. Participants in the study

done by Morr Serewicz (2008) had known each other for 18-23 months. Participants in

the current study have known each other from 1.5-39 years, with the average being over

10 years. This reinforces the idea that the state of flux eventually dissipates from the re-

lationship. This also supports the Uncertainty Reduction Theory. Once the members of

the dyad reduce uncertainty, the relationship changes less and becomes less fluid.

The Uncertainty Reduction Theory also supports the Effort/Time and Cultural/So-

cio-economic differences themes. Results of the study show that most positive MIL/DIL

dyads did not initially begin positively. The mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law stated

that time and effort put in by both members eventually improved the dyad. This suggests

that time and effort reduced uncertainty, which strengthened the dyad. Additionally, Cul-

tural/Socio-economic differences highlight the uncertainty in the dyad. Mothers-in-law

and daughters-in-law highlighted differences that initially hindered the relationship.

However, the results demonstrate that these differences can eventually be overcome, re-

ducing uncertainty and creating similarities.

An interesting result of the study is the Admiration of Mothering Qualities. This

theme does not fit directly into any of the four assumptions of the Triangular Theory of

the Communication and Relationships of In-laws. Likewise, it does not fit within the Un-

certainty Reduction Theory. However, the results showed this theme assisted in develop-

ing and deepening the MIL/DIL relationship. This dynamic needs further research to

fully understand the role it plays in MIL/DIL relationship development.

As with all studies, the limitations of the study must be considered when dis-

cussing the results. The Triangular Theory of the Communication and Relationships of

In-laws focuses on the relational triad of the husband, spouse, and in-law. While the triad

is implied throughout the data, this study focused on the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law

dyad. Because of this, the results did not completely confirm all of the assumptions of

the theory. Further research is needed to determine if these anomalies are a result of using

a triadic theory for dyadic research or a true factor in MIL/DIL dyads. The lack of racial

diversity of the participants could also be a limitation of the study. Future research

should focus on other ethnicities to determine if these themes are present in MIL/DIL

dyads besides Caucasian dyads.

The results of the study highlight the uniqueness and complexity of the relation-

ship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Although each relationship is

unique, several factors or themes appear throughout the relationships. Multiple factors,

including control, effort, differences, and appreciation of mothering qualities influence

the development of the relationship. By understanding these factors, the relationship and

the development of the relationship are better understood.

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