Domestic Violence and Court Ordered Visitation and

Exchange: Effect on Children and Effective Visitation Plans,

Joyanna Silberg, Ph.D.

Children who have been traumatized respond to traumatic triggers with

flashbacks, fear, and acting out.

Billy watched his father attempt to strangle his mother.

Every time I see him it reminds me of what happened like

watching a movie growing worse and worse every minute and

every second.

Billy.

Why do you think your dad wanted to see you so badly?

Dr. S.

He hoped he could get unsupervised again, and then it would all go back to the way it started, he’d do it again—hurt me and my mom . He manipulates everyone.

He’d manipulate the court into seeing me unsupervised.

Billy

My face was smiling but my brain was crying.Adina, after a supervised visit.

Reunification should be…

• In the best interest of the victim

• Wanted by the child

• Gradual and deliberate

• Flexible and responsive

• Collaborative in nature

Common Stages in the Reunification Process (DOJ) (After

Criminal Findings) Separation/Removal Offender Acknowledgment Treatment of Offender/Treatment of Victim Treatment of All Family Members Assessment of Readiness Supervised Contact in Clinical Setting Clarification of Rules and Boundaries Supervised Visits Visits in the Community Private Visits

Prior to Reunification, Perpetrator Should Evidence

Identification and modification of cognitive distortions, consistently demonstrating the absence of denial, minimization, justification, or externalization of the abuse;

Demonstration of victim empathy, with a clear under-standing of the harm caused to the direct and indirect victim(s) and other family members;

Recognition that the needs and safety of the victim(s) and other vulnerable family members are paramount;

Recognition of precursors and dynamic risk factors associated with the abusive behavior;

Development and consistent implementation of effective coping skills to address the specific risk factors identified.

Reunification Criteria

Presence of an adequate and approved safety plan that thoroughly addresses potential concerns within the home and environment;

Consistent compliance with specialized supervision conditions and other externally imposed stipulations;

Effective participation in any other required or recommended services (e.g., marital therapy, family therapy, parenting classes, substance abuse treatment.

The problem: Family Courts are increasingly

faced with the problem that young children allege abuse or

witness domestic violence which cannot be substantiated

by social service departments or court findings.

Reasons Abuse is Not Substantiated

• increasingly strict departmental standards requiring physical evidence (which is available in only 4% of cases),

• lack of training or resources• legally backed emphatic denials by the

accused, • erroneous belief that allegations in the midst of

custody disputes should not be taken seriously. • Lack of appreciation of impact of witnessing

domestic violence on children and no real category for this form of abuse..

Purposes of Procedure

• To determine whether psychological manipulation or abuse has been used on children caught in custody disputes. (Forensic evaluation has not yielded clearcut information.)

• When the court has ordered reunification with an alleged abuser and truth of allegation has not been determined.

The Procedure:The procedure involves a process of both parents reassuring the child or

children, that no secrets are allowed, that all truth must be told, that no one

can make up stories that did not happen, and then establishing specific rules for safe behavior.

 

Both parents and children must participate in the program which is usually either court ordered,

recommended by children’s counsel or GAL, or agreed upon

mutually by both parties. 

The First Session• Preferable if held with both parents, but not

essential• Parents tell children they want them out of

the middle.• Time for new rules• Mommy or Daddy will not be mad at them

for them for telling the truth, liking the other parent.

• They will never be punished for anything that happens in this therapy.

Observe Child

• Is child anxious, reassured, apparently in double-bind, continually looking into one parents eye to see if he is for real?

• Sometimes after this first session, new important disclosures emerge which may need to be communicated to the court immediately.

No More Secrets

• Parents tell child they should not have to keep secrets.

• telling silly secrets is rehearsed

• Children are empowered to say, “No I am not allowed to keep secrets.”

• Therapist can talk privately with the child at any time.

Tell the Truth

• In these session or sessions the parents discuss what the truth is, and different fun tests are made up by parents and children to test what is true and what is not.

• Whenever a child is telling the truth, the parent says, “great that was the truth.”

• Use many different names for the truth, as some parents may have confused children about this word.

Permission to Tell Good things and Bad Things about Mommy and

Daddy• In this session, the children practice telling

each parent something good about the other in front of both parents.

• This helps diffuse the child internalizing parental antagonism.

• The parents join in the positive so that the children see that the parents can say positive things about each other.

Safety Talk

• What is safe and unsafe for children.

• Crossing the street, being alone, body boundaries.

• Can the children undress in front of same sex peers? Aunts, uncles? Who can bathe them? Who can wipe them? What other kind of touching is permitted?

Generation of Rules

• Following the previous discussion a list of rules is written down

• The rules include, no secrets, tell the truth, safe touches, no punishment for the truth.

• The rules are written in child friendly language, can be colored by them, copied and a copy given to everyone.

• The rules become the basis for monitoring in an ongoing way whether the children are still at risk for whatever allegation has been made.

Safety Plan

• The children are taught specific strategies of what to do if rules are not followed.

• calling a safe person, aunt or babysitter, or GAL, or other parent, writing in their diary, calling 911, as is appropriate to the situation.

Solemn Promise

• A ritual is established where the parents make a solemn promise to the child not to put them in the middle, keep secrets, tell bad stories, or do unsafe things.

• These promises are generated based on the specifics of the case.

• Sometimes done in individual sessions with each parent and child. Particularly, if a disclosure involving one of the parents has emerged, and there is going to be visits with that parent

Ongoing Monitoring

• frequent monitoring following exchanges whether the rules were adhered to, and the solemn promises kept.

• The children are spoken to individually for a brief time in follow-up monitoring sessions, after parents again instruct them, they must tell the truth.

So when you are a judge you will listen to kids who say they are abused or afraid of their

dads? Dr. S.

No, I won’t. I will listen to the EVIDENCE.

Billy, age 11.