Michael Bolerjack
The Virgin She Was
the Whitest Winter
1
By the way you hold yourself I see
Someone that comes to life simply,
Yet hard, the way you climb those
Mountains where butterflies dwell.
By the way you talk I hear wonder
And awe at the things that God did
For us from the beginning of Time,
And still does today, especially as
We know it not, His secrets of His
Grace hidden in the folds of a word
That means more than it can mean,
Means by number and not by mark,
Means by a fine articulation of your
Sensibility, by the differences you
Say and see and feel when things I
Do make you think of the Creation
That is His and we are just words
He says in the one pure act of His
Meaning, all love, all embrace, all
The time telling us He loves us all.
This world of ours is not what it is.
It is something else, something He
Knows and shares with us at times
When we see into the life of things
And sense some sublime wonder a
Little just beyond what we can see
Or grasp, think or say, but that we
Have known at times in our loving
And in conversations without end,
In the joy of being near each other
And in the peaceful fall of sleep:
Am I a dream you had once upon?
2
Brilliant in your shining eyes
Bright dark / unfathomed hue
By yourself you star-out skies
As moons ken and swim-awry.
Let us begin again little one,
I am but a writer, and you say
That I reach you from there to
There, but I say I cannot reach
You anywhere but elsewhere’s
Reality, the really Real, in God
You became more for me from
The way you prayed your word
Of simple prayer to Maria: The
Virgin fills your soul when you
Know it not, and knots your fine
Heart with mother’s love for the
Son we share but never had, but
Once at His coming we shared in
His love together forever: Let us
Stay a little while in our church’s
Afterthoughts of answers and the
Request for love never denied, as
We never turn away for once and
For all, but turn face to face from
The one embrace of Him to each
Other, finding ways to Him with
Our laughter and our ascensions
To tears and falls in our meeting
Half way across an angry pride’s
Scream or bitterness, He is nearer
Then when in pain we try the path
Of thorns and sharp rocks that cut
Us to each other and together feel
The pain of ones about to lose the
Thing we hold most dear: we two.
Are you ready to walk with Mary?
And with me to see Him face of his
Face, gaze of His gaze, hear voice’s
Assurance that you didn’t wither or
Didn’t turn back, but in trusting so
Like a little flower following Him?
He led you where you did not want
To go, closer to glory, but far from
Home, far from the thing you knew
To be the easier part of life, simple
Family with a simple way to gather
At holiday in a past prolonged, not
Yet the eternal present future time
Of Christ in Heaven. O wait longer,
Yet we would wait no longer from
Today to the Opening of the High
Gate of Heaven: swing wide doors
And touch the grace of His throne:
Longing for the pure glass and air
And water and light: then let us be
Clear in our disclosure. Love is too.
3
If I were to tell your story, with
What would I begin? Your birth
In Mexico, baptism at the basilica
Of the Virgin, with your ancestors
Or with your accomplishments for
A life lived in the country you took
For your home just before you met
Me and forever changed my song?
No, I think I would start with your
Great desire, your hope, your long
Awaited hope: for Justice, Mercy,
A dream of a better place than now
Where we live in the corruption of
The city of the falling and the felled.
Your dream is so big, very big, that
Nothing can hold it but the Heaven.
Heaven is that place you dream of
In love, in hopes that will never be
Denied, but how long you wait for
What you cannot know in this life.
Only Heaven can compare with
The dream of life you hold in a
Heart that too cannot be held by
This earthly life: and so you are
Suspended between one world and
The next, being at home neither in
This country nor your own, waiting
For your true home in Heaven high
Above, you almost float there by a
Force of habit, hardly touching the
Ground, one foot, barely, you are
Only just barely here with me now.
I hope you reach the aim, the goal,
The place where you over all others
I think must belong, for Him and
For Her, for Them you belong too.
I lived a love with you, and you
Gave me all of you, everyday of our
Lives together, telling me you’d do
It all over again. Perhaps we will.
4
Saints and angels adore you my
One little holy sweetheart, pure and
Filled with the light of no darkness,
Only hopes and dreams of the great
Things to come on that future day.
On that great day, day of eternity,
Day of your wedding with Him, I
Will say goodbye and give away
The one I loved without ever once
Stopping to ask why, I did not, not
Once, but took you as you were in
All simplicity and grace and truth.
All you are to me is my one world,
And there is no other world apart
From you, except flickering fading
Images on screens, and cars that fly
Past our window in the nighttime
On their way to some point off the
Map, because the map of my world
Has only one direction, homeward.
With you, simple one, who cooks
And cleans and makes me feel so
Ensconced in the places we have
Lived out our days, in patience and
In tribulation, you have blessed me
Time and time again, and bless me
Yet as you sleep, softly breathing
In the bed beside the writer writing
His few lines that seem to not and
Can never catch the meaning of so
Great a thing as a human being full
Of love and longing and littleness.
5
O the guardian of my feelings, O
The one guardian of the love I had
For you and you alone, O watcher
Of my skies, and kenning of my
Untrue art, O the sentinel of souls,
O the stayer of my staggering, my
One and sole support, O mistress
Of my heart, O the keeper of my
Trials and secrets, O the one who
Did not walk away, did not turn
From me, but came and came again
With full knowledge though I did
Not know, and could not know the
Passage to the place you dwell in,
O the littleness of the things you
Are, and O the terribleness of what
You are not, and O had I the time
And the words to tell, the soul to
Climb where you are, O so high so
Far beyond my mistakes and base
Fantasies, images and words without
A stopping, O you! You caught me!
You broke my fall, you never had a
Way to know, but it was you, you
Who kept me from the darkness of
The life I once called a life, but was
No life without you, for you gave
Me more than I had ever known or
Thought that I could know, some
Thing completely unexpected and
Utterly unimaginable: You gave me
You, in all of you, every single time.
6
If words could say it, we would
Say it once, and that once would be
Enough, we’d understand the thing
Itself that we had intended to say.
But words only point at it, what
We want to get at, that thing we
Know not what that will fulfill the
Desires we feel, the need for love.
If words were enough we would
Not need to touch each other in the
Way we do, or gaze upon another’s
Smile, or see the majesty of faces.
If words could only disclose and
Not just declare and describe, if
Words could be like light from the
Sun that not only illuminates the
Visible, but warms and gives us the
Pleasure of the heat of life, if my
Words could shine radiance on the
One I love, then words would do.
These things, these letters, sent to
My sentinel, they aim true but can
They find you in the place you live,
Far from any language but feeling?
7
You! You are my subject, but not
Mine, not mine. You are not my
Subject because you are not my
Object, you elude that binary gap
Of thought and en-own me with a
Love past telling, a love unrelated
To space and time and relativities,
That knows only one relation in
Life, a field of loves that spread on
The level way that the Lord makes
For you to call out and not finding,
Yet still you love to call love’s call.
The objects in my life consume me
Instead of me taking them, but you,
You do not take me but far rather
Give me a newer self than the one
That I had before, having made me
All over, in that you are what God
Intended, the love made flesh, the
Body of desire, neither subject nor
Object, but the desirability of the
Love itself seen in the shining of
The light, and in the quiet of silent
Night, most in the peaceful repose.
8
You are all these things but most of
All you are the salt that can never
Lose its “sabor,” that despite the
Labors of love does not lose itself,
Does not abandon the truth for a lie
And does not speak except as the
Voice of one in her own wilderness
And wildnesses, crying to be heard.
O! The worlds you could enlighten
And the grace you would bestow on
Men and women, who having their
Hearts hardened, can’t comprehend.
O! The fastness of your guard and
The sureness of your sentence, O!
The charm of your song and the
Voice of you, prophetess of love.
And in all the sweetness of your
Call, you also rail at the unjust and
Those in power, but do not see the
Corruption in those around you, too.
The lie is the way the people live, but
Not you, you who live a truth without
Telling, in the desire for a story and
The need for the epilogue, the action
Of the completion of the tale told.
Life is in this, you see, our story
Ends in Heaven, and God gives all
Other names in the end and you
Then become in truth what I said
You were to me, the princess of my
Passage, and in His eyes you are
Already the one that men speak of.
9
That women dream we all should
Know, but of what they dream no
Man can tell, and so it is here with
Me tonight, not knowing your very
Dreams, the place where you live
Free and still and enjoy yourself in
Complete care and regard, but also
In abandon and with a shout of Yes!
Yes! The victory over the things of
This world and the prescient hold
You take on the things to come as
You dream and sleep in the heart.
There is no better place for you
Than the center of your being, so
Remain a while in that better place
And let me imagine its goodness.
The good does not leave us if we
Do not wish for itt to go, and you,
Tenacious one, hold it with both of
Your hands and tightly you draw it.,
Even if you must let me go, even if
You have to, do not let go of that
Thing you hold in your heart past
All telling, wordless, truthful, real.
10
A love foretold past all telling, you
The prophetess of the dream I had,
You the truth in the night of false
Hopes, false starts, blind dates and
My miracle madness, you’re the one
That waited for me without knowing
Whom I might be, O! sure raceme of,
O! surety of the avalanche, I too in my
Way waiting wait-less for the coming
Perfection and what we now call grace,
Though of a time I only thought I knew
Not whence nor ever why but without
Warrant except your smile and
Your invitation to marry if we
Could but love, my life would
Never wait so long again, so long
As I am with you, my principal you
Said, or was it principle? Our reason
Or your all in all? In faith we hope,
In charity we find, and you giving,
Gave all to me and gave me a reason
And the princess storied, light for my
Nights, rest for my aching, sheltering
For my soul, in words without whys.
11
The unity of truth and goodness
And beauty is a moral quality I find
In you: I told them so, if they’d but
Hear, of the thesis and theme of
My song, the tomb of it I build
And with you we dig it and we
Build it, the foundation sure and
The time full but almost never
Enough, we look to each other and
See Him in ourselves, where He
Does not hide, but can be seen by
The things he has made, our love,
Our home, and the works of love
That we hope one day will teach us
To hold truth more gently, touch
Beauty but grazing it just so and
See with eyes of peace and desire
Mingled the joys of life together,
Of our communing, of our summer
Late and winter near, of our snows
And the warmth we found despite
The cold of December the year I
Began again and answered His call,
Because he said become who I am.
12
In our little way we abide, stay
Close, wait, watch, become the
Ones who sentinel for others, I see
You keeping faith in Him and me.
If we but keep it, though, what will
Become of that faith, must not we
Make it grow? And so the stream
Of life would take our faith away.
Share it, give freely of your faith
And whatever else is asked of you,
As if the Beloved asks you Himself
For the things He knows you can.
There is no other truth to the world
Than our being obliged to love one
Another, to seek arrival, to shine
Light, to show beauty, to act well.
13
The flower she sent she sent for
You, because I asked, but it was
For you, because you are a one that
Is littler, very small and close to
The truth that God loves the little
Things in life, that He does not
Appreciate success, but sees us try
Despite our failures and gives the
Very things we cannot live without
Like love and light and the life of
Which we could not give ourselves
A day if it were not for His giving.
Turn then like a flower to that One
And find in Him what she found, a
Hope to bring her out of despair,
And a large, calm, bright pleasure.
14
O! How you look in your pale
Greens and pretty pinks and in
Your lazurous purples, in shades of
Red, and in the blacks and blues.
O! How you sound, so small, the
Little one, and yet how you can tell
Off the high and mighty and pull
The wrathful princes from thrones
That do not suit the men of great
Aggrandizement today, moneyed
And eyeful, driving desire ninety
Miles an hour to hell all in a hurry.
O! How you sleep the sleep of
White snows and princess beauties,
Of little girls, of fragility and deep,
Deep peace, as a world unto Him.
15
Sing the solemnity, sing the grace,
Sing the procession to the basilica
Of Guadalupe, the site of your dear
Baptism, singular moment of your
Consecration, of your en-ownment
By Him, of your making to Her
Your first profession, and knowing
Thereafter only what she wanted
You to know. O! Sing solemnity!
16
You added the salsa, you added the
Salt, you added the spice and “sabor”
To me, salted me in love and then
Peppered me with kisses and hope.
You put me up there in the stars
And did not let me fall to earth,
You said tell me the moon, so I told
You, and when you asked, I did it
Again, told the moon to you, but
Not for show but because you had
Said that if I told you the moon
You would tell me my own star.
That star you showed me a day
Ago, near your moon, which shines
Brighter, but by which it lays a line
Of constellation with all the Heaven.
17
O! Solemn the muse, but not too
Somber, death cannot hold us, and
There is joy in our solemnity with
Her, the one who brought us here.
O! If you would! Tell all and tell
All yet again and leave nothing that
Is unsaid, leave nothing to chance
And nothing to fate, but freely sing
Of the grace of ones above and
Even with us here as we speak and
Spell and tell the story of a love
That has no other, and thus has all.
If truth be told, it remains true, but
The truth untold is a fiction good
For nothing. So say what you can,
But sing the rest, singing for Her.
Sing to Her and of Her and do not
Worry what others think, for there
Are no others outside the circle of
The church which she is building for
Those who would kneel, nay, must
Kneel before crosses and altars and
Before the image of one whom God
Chose before time began to hold Him
Within Her womb and then give Him
To us, just as He gave Her to nations,
For the angels and for the saints, and
For the glories in a vessel of most pure
Devotion, of the ark which bore more
Than the manna and more than the law,
Of the throne of the wisdom of the One
Who is and Who still is coming today.
18
Beside still waters saints abide,
And we stay and remain in our task
Of life. O the poor, O the little
Ones who depend, O sentiments
Of sentinels alert in the word of
God, who have the mind of Christ
And suffer with and in and through,
For all the little ones. I am for you.
Sufferings of Job you read and
Find the mystery of sin and pain
And wonder, did God comprehend
Him? Did God cause the trouble in
Life that all of us Jobs feel today?
Let us say there is a higher reason
And we do not suffer in vain or in
Vanity but for His glory. Let it be.
Do not worry if God desires a pain
For us, do not worry about whether
God is good or the one all great
Embracing principle. All in all.
For this all in all is purely good
And does cause evil. That said,
He willed the suffering of His Son
And chastiseth all whom He calls..
Remember: God is LOVE, and is
For us, and with Him for us, who
Can be against us? No one, nada,
Nothing besides. Evil may afflict
And afflictions of life are real, yet
Our redeemer liveth, and the great
Glory waiting for us outweighs far
All the trouble of the world as it is.
19
The One to come would have us as
We are, in our need and pain and in
Our afflictions, for remember, He
Chose it for Himself. Thus, Life is
Good, and never to be forsaken.
Find the reason to go on living,
Not “as if” there is a purpose and
Goal, which is mere art for art’s
Sake, an aesthetic comfortableness
To keep us from the hell of known
And unknown fears and trials, the
Tribulations all must suffer for the
Glory of God, but rather find the
Real meaning of life, God and His
Plan for you personally, for He is
The reason for the way things are.
Despite sins and pain, we have our
Lives and we have one hope, and
One faith, and really our LOVE is
Just one, in Him. Understand Him.
He would be loved. He is needed,
Although most care not, know not,
What they do, still there is a lack,
Even when we have no task or no
Trials to endure, an emptiness that
We know only God fills. O My God!
If you would fill us with goodness,
That you are, so that in humility and
In patience and in perseverance we
May wait with joy and hope for the
Revelations to come, declared in the
Book, but soon to be disclosed for
All flesh to wonder, to fear, to awe
Over, to welcome or not, for that
Apocalypse we live, the unveiling
Of the reason for our faith, the true
Word, which comprehends us and
Wants to be understood. So, know
Little one, that in your sufferings
He and all His saints too endured.
20
You sit or recline, eyes almost
Closed, resting your frame for
Awhile, till the tasks of life call
You away to work, to run, to do.
But in your quiet moment of rest,
Beside the still waters of the one
Love that we share in, know I think
Of you, and I am with you always.
21
You have been on my mind this
Morning, and no bird sang, but you
Laughed when I called your name,
And no phone rang, but love bells
Knelled, no deep tone, no dearth or
Death, but a reminder to call us to
Greater appreciation of the way we
Love and what we may become.
What we are now we hardly know,
So how would we know what we
Will be? Yet we hope in the one
Promise of peace. O sender of the
One peace that surpasses all of our
Ability to understand, O, You, who
Sent us, send to Marinela Sentinela
A greater than hoped for blessing.
22
Oh my little one, wanting to go to
Some place and to do some thing,
You have found your miracle, you
Have found life in all our living.
But what then is life? The poets ask.
Happy are you if you are able to
Spell the question, if God grants
You the capacity for wonder at His
Great Gift of life itself, which has a
Glory of its own, which has a truth
Of its own, but for us, our lives are
Only what He makes us to be, for
The glory that you do not see or seek
Is what He will give, His own of His
Very Self, His very own peace, His
Very glory, the single love we live.
23
Little gifts all in a row, your words
And smiles bring me like signs and
The way to my home I hope to find,
With you a place of rest and peace.
Perhaps the points along the way
Are not so restful, not so filled with
That peace we desire, but God gives
Us this life as the way, not the goal.
The way itself is a gift, but the gift
Above all others is God Himself,
The Giver gives Himself, and we
Feel we know already this is true.
For religion is a kind of feeling of
Faith as much as an assent to truth,
And we depend on Jesus and Mary
As children on their very parents.
24
O! The one life within us and
Abroad! The poets cry, and find in
Our lives one love unbreakable, an
Unshattered, sheltering heart of
Being that is as much in the flesh
As in a word, as much in the bread
As in the light, as much in the true
Smile of a child as in any teacher.
25
Time to go they say and you get up
And make your way, but wait if
You will, stay with me awhile and
Hear the words I have for you,
Not so much have as do, as be or
Become, a net work of words made
Over by you, for you, inspiration of
My songs without music or rhyme.
26
You, you did not say, you did not
Say let me go, though I said that
Much, and you, you stayed, though
I might have wandered without.
Without you I am almost nothing,
Next to nothing, but with you I
Have a chance to win the light.
You are so much you don’t know.
27
O! Heavens above! The stars at
Night told of a great day to come,
But we saw beauty not futurity,
Not knowing that moral beauty is
Even in the stars at night, in sun
And moon and all God’s creation.
Tell all of His one love for all His
Creatures, His love for each and
Every star that he causes to burn in
Empty space, though not empty, for
There is the connection of star to
Star that he makes for our benefit,
That we obtained in our own place
That morning before dawn, that we
Did stand and we did see, and knew
That that was like the snowfall of
The day before, a Gift from God,
Faintly falling, still falling faintly,
White stars, whiter snow, words,
His words whitening the world.
On a brighter day we might have
Missed the meaning, though we
Lived it, might have missed our turn.
But today we knew without mistake.
28
Absolutely, there is no more abyss
That God did not cross for us in His
Own Crossing, no pit that was dug
That He has not filled for those
Whom He loves, Mountains He
Makes easy hills to climb, and
Beauty He sets on the pathways
For us to Amen! And Amen! In
Adoring adornments and entertain
And yet so great Truths placed for
Us along the way. O! the saving
Truth of grace, O! the one love He
Gives to those who gather the
Fruits of the Spirit, the joy and
Peace, in patience and self-control,
In love not with imitation but with
One initiation into the life of God.
We hold all dear: All things I hold
For you in this cup of words, from
Which I pour my heart toward you.
O! That the cup overflows right now
So that you will hear the word of love
He gave me to share, not to throw or
Scatter, but in these our reconciliation.
29
For anything bad there is
Something that is good, but in
Heaven there are goods without
Any bad, and good without end.
Almost. He said I AM the limit,
The beginning and the end of all.
We know our limits and to be with
Him we must complete our total.
We must live the numbers of the
Stations of our path and I went
From five to six to zero to one to
Three and then four, I could tell
You, every number has a meaning,
But only seven of them are most
Important to us, and in stability at
Our four square we will be taught
The truth of the Trinity and the all
In all and the apocalypse and the
Twelfth and the seventh Heaven,
And what we hope for, this will be.
What we hope for is not a number,
But the number is a sign standing
For our reality, and numbers are the
Structure of the world to come too.
We all want to make a name for
Ourselves, and some do, and no
One wants to be a number alone,
Like a computation in the scheme
Of a world system that denies our
Truth for a lie of its own making.
Nevertheless, everyone has both a
Name and a number. We are both.
The names may change and the
Numbers, too, but there is a reality
That is beside, underneath the signs
And that is the direction of them,
All pointing the way to assist us in
Our journey for arrival. The mere
Indefinite is not a number, so the
Deconstruction cannot be true
Truth is definite and can be
Numbered, obeys limits, and does
Not slip and slide, or grate, like
Words, but tells shapes of things
We will become as we realize all
The points at once, all the signs
Of names, places and things at One,
When we become in the all in all.
30
Words ring in your mind and you
Try to hold them fast, though the
Thoughts slip away and words do
Not hold like the feeling of you.
Yet go over the words again and
Find a truth that may be what I
Intended when I wrote them for
You, or may be something else
He would have you to know, for
He may well choose to convey
More than I could ever know or
Hope to know with my own words.
My own words? Like you, not
Mine, not mine, but only for a time,
As if they were mine, yet still in the
Giving of them made real for you.
O! Marinela Sentinela, watcher of
My life and of our life together, the
One life lived for Them, you are so
Much more than what you know
And so much more than words can
Say, but He said seek and find, and
In a way I have sought you all my
Life, and whatever else I found I
Found after finding Him at least in
All the seeking and finding I found
You, found you for your truth I say,
Your passion, complexity and grace.
And in all, your all in all, your great
Simplicity, littleness, held in a single
Compass, gathered all my feeling, as
the Virgin she was the whitest winter.
Your passion may tire and life
Itself seem too complex, but if you
Make the simple effort as I know
You always have and think you
Always will, then grace in your life
Will not be lacking, and you’ll find
The way, whether you know the
Time or the place, your name or
Your number, for grace defines us,
Perfects us and completes us, to be
With Him in embrace, not a total
Count in the making, the plus one.
Do not bother to add to your own
Simplicity and littleness, do not
Worry over issues or the problems
Of the world, yet remain in it with
Hope, my sentinel, my witness for
The witness, my Heaven sent in the
Midst of my Apocalypse, a sender,
An address, a destination, my little
All in all before the greater One to
Come, where we will be found and
Say no more, the work is done, the
Truth is claro, perfecto, complete.