Download - Big Mushy Happy Lump (Sarah's Scribbles #2)
IDON’TKNOWHOWTOBEAPERSON
I’mnotgoodatinteractingwiththeworld.Infact,I’veneverbeengoodatinteractingwiththeworld.
IthinkIwasbornwithacertaindeadlycombinationoftraitsthatwouldeventuallywindupmakingmesomethingofamisfit.
Whensomeonedoesn’tlikebeingsocial,manypeoplewillassumeit’sbecausetheydon’tlikepeople.Butthat’snotnecessarilythecase.I’mofteneagertoatleasttrytoengage;itjustdoesn’talwaysworkout.
It’snotjustthatI’llblankout.AttimesIcanbelikearobotsufferingaseveremalfunction.Mybrainglitches.AndIknow,Iknow!Everyonedoesthe“youtoo”thingwhenpeoplesay,“Enjoythemovie”or“Enjoyyourmeal.”ButrecentlyIhadabrainglitchthatreallytookthecake.
Theseglitchesareso,sopainful.And,thankstomygoodolebuddyOverThinking,theglitchescontinuetohauntmelongafterthey’vehappened.
OverThinkingwillmakesureI’llnever,ever,forgetthephrase“Onabag.”
DuetotheOverThinkingandwhatnot,Itendtomisunderstandtheworld’ssignals.Ihavetroubletakingthingsatfacevalue,andoftenjumpdramaticallytoconclusionsthatusuallyaren’ttrue.
Butatthesametime,Ithinktheworldmisreadsme.OneofthefirstcommentsIoverheardaboutmyappearancewas“shehasrestingbitchface.”Whichwasabigsurprisetohear.InsideIfeelasharmlessandbubblyasapuppy.
Ialsothinkthattheworlddoesn’thearmesometimes.Literally!Apparently,Ihaveaveryquietvoice,evenifitdoesn’tsoundsoquietinmyhead.
Sosocialinteractionscanbeveryexhaustingforsomeonelikeme.IknowI’mnotalone.Socialexhaustionissomethingmanyintroverted,shy,oranxiouspeopleoftensuffer.ButI’malsolearningthatifyouisolateyourselftoomuch,soonenough,you’llgetisolationexhaustiontoo.
That’swhyI’vebeentryingtofindabalance.
Ingeneral,I’vebeentryingtosayyestomorethings.It’snoteasywhenyou’vebeenmakingexcusesallyourlife.
Totonedownmyanxiety,I’malsotryingtobemoreselectiveaboutwhat’sactuallyworthworryingabout;asortofenforcedapathytocombattheOverThinking.Imagineasuperherowhosesuperpoweristheabilitytosay,“Idon’tcare.”
ThisishowIwouldapplythe“Idon’tcare”powerinreallife.Take,forexample,awkwardsilences.I’vebeenremindingmyselfthattheyreallyaren’tabigdeal,andtheyhappentoeverybody.Anawkwardsilencehereorthereisn’ttheendoftheworld.
See?Notsobad!I’malsotryingtoworkonmyconversationskills.Here’swhatI’velearnedconversationisn’t:stayingcompletelysilentuntilsomeonebringsupanobscurefactIknoweverythingabout,andthenexplodingintotheconversation.
IspendalotoftimeonWikipediaresearchingrandomtopics.Butlet’strythatagain.
IthinkthemostimportantthingI’velearned,however,isthatbeingsocialissupposedtobefun.ItendtoforgetthiswhenI’mcurledupinaball,aloneinmyroom,avoidingeverything.I’mtryingtorememberthatthepointofseeingfriendsistoenjoytheircompany,notworryabouttheireveryopinionoreverysmallmisstepItake.
I’mnotsureI’lleverfullygetridoftherobotglitches,ortheOverThinking,ordramaticallyjumpingtoconclusions.ButI’mlearninghowtohavefunanyway,despitethem.
Eveniftheystilloccasionallyappearuninvited.
SADIE(HowILearnedtoGetOverMyself
andLoveCats)
Ihaveaproblemwithlikingthingsthatarereallypopular.It’snotatraitI’mproudof,butit’soneI’vealwayshad.Deepdown,I’mpositiveIwasbornacynical,popular-thing-hatingsoul.
Thissamelogicappliedtocats.Everybodyseemedtolovethem,especiallyontheInternet.Loggingonlinefeltlikeloggingintoacat-lovingcult.
What’smore,catsdidn’tparticularlyseemtolikeme.OneofmyfriendshadablackcatnamedStormy,andwedefinitelydidn’tvibewell.
Ialsodidn’treallyunderstandwhatitwasthatcatsdidthatmadethemsogreat.FromwhatIgathered,theysataroundthehouseandoccasionallyknockedthingsdown.Andpeoplephotographedtheircatsdoingthis.Ohboy,didtheyphotograph.
IalwaysimaginedthatcatsweretheParisHiltonsofthepetworld:Theydidn’tquitedeservealltheattentionbuttheygotitanyway.
Frankly,Ididn’teverthinkI’downacat.Butthatwassoontochangewhen,allofasudden,mytworoommatesandIhadamouseproblem.
Itstartedoutverysmall(one-small-mousesmall).Inhindsight,ourbigmistakewasthatwedidn’tjusttakecareofitthen.Yousee,myroommatesandIareallbiganimalrightspeople.Allthreeofusarevegetarians.Andcollectively,weagreedthatwewouldavoidkillingthemouseatallcosts.
Onemousequicklybecamemanymice.Butwestillcouldn’tkillthem.Weboughthumanetraps,whichcompletelybackfired,becausethisiswhathappened:
Weekswentby,anditgotcompletelyoutofcontrol.Westartedusinginsanehomeremediesoutofourdesperationnottobuylethaltraps.Inoneinstance,wesprayeddowntheentireapartmentwithpeppermint.
Wemightaswellhavebeendoingthis:
Asourmouseproblemwasincreasing,asolutionappeared.MymomhadjustadoptedakittenbecausehercatJessiewasdepressedandneededcompany.
Tous,akittenseemedliketheperfecthumanesolution.Youngkittensaren’ttrained,experiencedhuntersyet.Butmaybejusthavingacat’sscentintheapartmentwouldscaremiceaway.Itwasanaturalremedythat(hopefully)wouldn’thurtanyanimals.Iconvincedmymomtoletustakethekittenforamonth.
Thekitten’snamewasSadie.Iwenttopickherup,expectingthesamemutuallysuspiciousencounterI’dhadwithmostcatsbefore.ButwhenIwalkedintotheroom...shewasso...tiny.Andherpawsweresosoftand...squishy!Andhermeowsweresohigh-pitchedandcute!Andshewasso...nice!
Ibroughthertomyapartment,andmyroommateslovedhertoo.OnethingthatimmediatelysurprisedmeaboutSadiewashowsocialshewas.Wewouldsitaroundtheapartmentchattingandshewouldsitwithus,lookingatusintentlyandlistening.AndIwassurprisedathowmuchshelikedme!Acathadneverlikedmebefore.ButSadieactuallyspentmostofhertimetryingtobenearme.
Astheweekswentby,myaffectionforhergrew.Seeingherjustlyingaroundinthesunwasthecutestthingintheworldtome.Andjustasshealwaystriedtobenearme,Ialwaystriedtobenearher.Shemademebehaveinstrangeways.
Ihadneverunderstoodthenumberofphotographspeopletookoftheircats.ButSadiewassospecial,soextremelyprecious,thatIneededtodocumentherfabulousness.
Andshedidgetridofthemice.Onetime,sheactuallycaughtamouse,andweallwatchedinhorror.Butmypredictionturnedouttobetrue:Pure,naïvekittenSadiedidn’tkillthemouse.Itgotaway;myroommatesandIbreathedasighofrelief.Andafterthat,themiceneverreturned.Wesharedablissfulmonthinwhichallofourproblemswerereplacedbyacuteandcuddlyballofjoy.
However,myagreementwithmymomwasthatIcouldkeepSadieforamonth.Attheendofthemonth,asinafairytale,shedemandedSadieback.Afterall,thewholereasonshegotSadiewasforJessie,andJessiewaslonelierbytheday.Irespondedtomymom’sperfectlylegitimaterequestinhorror.
Shewasright.Ihadtogiveherback.I’mnocat-napper.ButIhadn’tbeenpreparedforallthefeelingsIhadtowardSadie.
Themiceweregone,andsowasSadie.MuchasIwasn’tpreparedtofeelaffectiontowardherinthefirstplace,Ialsowasn’tpreparedtofeelassadasIdidwhensheleft.Ididn’trealizehowmuchacatcanbecomeentwinedwithyourdailylife.Iwokeupwithher,workedwhileshenappednexttome,andstruggledtoeatmealsassheattemptedtostealfoodfromme.ShewasasmallfriendIbrieflysharedmylifewith.Hertinypresencemadethatshorttimesomuchmorejoyful.Whenshewentbacktolivewithmymom,myroomsuddenlyfeltveryempty.
ButSadiechangedmylifeforthebetter.I’verealizedmyopinionsaboutthingscanradicallychange.Forexample,I’dneverthoughtI’dbethisperson:
Likingcatshasmademylifemuchmoreenjoyable.AndmaybethismeansIcanlearntostartlikingotherthingsthatarepopulartoo.
We’llsee!
(Forthosewhoarecurious,SadieandJessiearecurrentlylivingtogetherinpeace.Jessie’snotdepressedanymore.)
THESWEATERTHIEFIamsmallerthantheaveragehuman,andasaresult,Iamcoldmorefrequentlythanmostofmypeers.Ifyou’renotan“alwayscold”person,thenI’msureyou’veencounteredoneofthembefore.
Thishasbeenaproblemformyentirelife.Itgetsespeciallybadinthewinter,whenI’mfrequentlytoocoldtoevenleavemybed.Andwhenit’sabsolutelynecessarytoleaveoutofsheersurvival,Itrytotakemybedwithme.
Theclosestsociallyacceptablethingtocarryingabedaroundwithmeisalarge,comfysweater.Butitgoesbeyondmyneedforwarmth.Iconsidermyselfasweaterconnoisseurinthesamewaysomeonewouldconsiderherselfawineexpertoranartaficionado;tomeeachsweaterisdifferent,unique.Somearegreat;manyaresubpar.
Findingthesweetspotisharderthanyoumightthink.Therearealotofbadsweatersinthisworld.
Asifthatweren’tbadenough,goodsweatersforwomenareevenhardertofind.
AllthisiswhyI’mathiefofsweaters...men’ssweaters,thatis.Andbeingaconnoisseur,Ican’ttakejustanysweater.Itneedstocomefromtherightperson.
Consideranartthief.Tohim,whatmakesapaintingworthstealingisn’tnecessarilyaestheticbeautybutthevaluethatcomesfromitsage,rarity,and,ofcourse,associationwithaspecificartist.ThedifferencebetweenthewayanartthiefseesapaintingandthewayIseeasweateristhatnoonebutmerecognizesasweater’struevalue.
I’llgoevenfurtherandsaythatIhaveprettygoodtasteinsweaters,evenbetterthanmanyoftheso-calledoldmastersdidintheirart.Orifnotbetter,atleastalittlemore...diverse.Morewell-rounded.
Goodthingwedon’tliveinthosetimesanymore!
Soanyway,backtosweaters!
Abeaten-upsweaterwornbytherightpersonisaspricelesstomeasaMonet.Pricelessbecauseit’sbeenwornbytheMonet,theoneandonly,noother.
That’swhyIonlystealmysweatersfromtherightperson.ThepersonIreally,reallylike.Inapainfulway.
Ittakesaveryspecialsomeonetoevokethatlevelofemotioninme.
Theclothesyoutakefromsomeonealmostalwayssmelllikethem.Smellissoimportant.Pheromonesarepowerfulandaddictive.Whensomeonesmellsgood,mylizardbraininstinctskickin.
It’snotjustthedelicioussmell.PuttingonasweaterfromtherightpersoninstantlytransportsmetoallthefeelingsIhavewhenI’mwiththatperson.
Butacquiringthesweaterisadifferentstory.Letmeclarify.Iamnotasweaterborrower.Iamasweaterthief.Ibelongtoalonglineofartfraudstersandforgers.Thoughadmittedly,artfraudhasgottenalittleeasierovertheyears.
Myownthefttechniqueisacarefulgameofmisinterprationandwillfulignorance.WhensomeonetellsmeIcanuseasweaterfortheday,littledotheyknowtheyaretransferringownershipofthatsweaterovertome.Forever.
UsuallytheystarttocatchontowhatI’mactuallydoing.
Butbythenit’stoolate.
BythetimetheyrealizewhatI’vebeendoing,they’vebeenlivinginaseaofliesforfartoolong.
Becauseifanythingisguaranteedinarelationshipwithme,it’sthatIwon’teverstopbeingasweaterthief.
SarahAndersenisayoungcartoonistandillustratorwholivesinBrooklyn.She’sactuallyreallycoolandcollectedinreallife.Definitely.
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