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Miracles promised
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* W H A T ' S I N S I D E . . . *
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* W h o ' s R e s p o n s i b l e 2 *
* A D i s c l a i m e r [ [ 2 *
* A Quiz and then some.... 2 *
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* NEW From the C-TEAM's Man: *
* S i c k S a m , P . I [ 3 *
* S . W . A . T . - } *
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* T r o u b l e 4 *
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THE
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Spy's Eye-.Espionage
Buff Donnelly
Journal
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Thomas Dolby1a The Plat
Earth, reviewed along with
Platinum Blondes
Standing in the Dark.
Best of alioo.NO SPOHTS
unless you ask for them.
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2
DISCLAIMER: This paper is not connected in any se.:se with Header's
Digress, except in a satirical one at best. Any articles herin
were edited, even censored, by the people who wrote them. This
means that:
Any views or matters expressed in this,or any,issue of Headers1
EL-jest are not neccessarily those of its staff and/or sponsors..
All articles herein,or the paper as a whole,are for satirical
purposes only,and are not to be construed or imDlied as factual.
Any characters created by our writers,and/or any resemblance to
any living or dead individual,or group,is none of our concern.We
will not be held liable for anything,including misappropriation
of funds,unauthorized publication,continuation of publication,or
incorrect statements made about well-known individualsa
All rights reserved,1984 by Readers* Di-jest
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ^
Readers1 .Di-jest.o.Charlottetown Ruralfs other newspaper:
C h i e f N o n - E d i t o r D a n n y M u l l e n
A s s i s t a n t E d i t o r J i m L a i
Director of Special Effects....Jim Lai "*
Director of Promotion...... H...Danny Mullen
B u s i n e s s M a n a g e r . J a m e s C o n n o l l y
S t a f f P h o t o g r a p h e r o R i c k y B r a z e l , Y e a r b o o k C o m m i t t e e
S t a f f W r i t e r s J i m L a i
Danny Mullen
Martin Pobes,a quoted person
"Buff" Whatshisface
also use of The Globe and Mail
Staffers1 Scapegoat from a
t i m e t h a t w a s 0 . S h o n e B l a y n e
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ^ * * * - K * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 4 < . 4 f * ^ * ^ * *
Special thanks goes to the guys in Ward 112,Y/ing 3 of the Sleepy
Rural Correctional Facility for their help in my escape,, I am now
at large, once again.
- Someone Else
QUIZ: If Ms Black works at store A for X dollars, and Mr. 3rown
works at store B for 30fo more, while Mrs. Green works in store
C for 50$ of what Black and Brown together make. If I/ass
Gold at store D is paid 4/15 of X more than 5/6 of what Mrse
Green earns,who is the highest paid? You may take a while.
Here*s some something:V/e, the rebels who have founded this o den
ization, would like to thank Radio Shack at 96 Queen St. for ~
permitting our extensive use of their computer facilities. Thev
happen to have advertized in this paper, so...
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R e a d e r s ' s D i - j e s t 3
S i c k S a m : G u e s s W h o D i d n ' t W a n t H i m b y H a r r y Z g w a r t z / A r m c h a i r S g t
Sam gripped the Usi submachine gun tightly.He made a quick run across the
street.Three streetgang members ran up to him.
"No punks are gona stop me "he said as he made them dance,forcing them away
with his bul lets. "Goo d riddance 'You guys can't eve n breakda nce "
The enterance appeared in front of him.He ran down the stairs as people bega
screaming.He pushed his way through the crowd,jumping the turnstile.
"At last ,"he panted ,"I made it to the subwa y without getti ng mugge d "
So began another day in the life of "Sick" Sam Smith,private eye and psychop
(heck,no one 's per fec t ) .
He sat in his office,shooting his .45 pistol at the dartboard on the wal l .
Somebody in the next room screamed.He stopped firing.Then,this blonde walked
the door ,c lu tch ing her le f t wr is t .
"You winged me,"she said.
"Sorry,"Sam muttered as he opened a drawer and threw a compressed bandage at
her."Use it.Now whaddaya want?"
"How often does this happen?"
"Oh, 'bout every two hours."
"You're just the man for the job."
"Good.Good.Uh...what's the job?"
"Rescue my boyfriend from the Mafia."
"Good.Good.I love shooting those gons.I got an old enemy,Pepsi Areola.We qot
score to set t le . I ' l l charge $10,000 plus expenses."
"Expenses?"
"Ammunition.Lessee now...50 rounds per box at $5 a box...I'd say at least a
thousand.Dol la rs ,not rounds. "
"You're thorough."
"Yeah,"Sam chuckled.
"You're rea l ly s ic k "she sai d wi th d isg ust .
" T h a n k s " h e g l e e f u l l y s m i l e d . T o b e c o n t i n u e d . . .
(P.S.,Beware the Armchair Commandos )
S.W.A.T. (Schoolroom Weapons And Tactics) by John Fnudding,Armchair Gen.,Ret
In th is fi rs t ins ta l lment , I wi l l beg in my long-awai ted d iscuss ion "Surv iva l
the Cla ssroo m" (Che mist ry 511, th is is i t ) .
Some cruel, twisted,demoral iz ing tact ics used by teachers are:
1) Surpr ise tes t
2) Enough tests and quizzes to make you dizzy
3) Pi les of notes to fi l l above tests
4) Ramble on about some pointless topic
5) Do nothing at all
These time-tested tactics are hard to beat.Number one is almost foolproof.If
othing works,start screaming in the hal lways about how unfair the teacheris
or number two,complain that you weren't given any previous warning or show
(mock) concern for the teacher,as he will have to mark all those tests.To comb
umber three,get a portable computer and type al your notes,or photograph them
hat will get the message across.If the teacher rambles on,as in number four,
oin in.The guy (or gal) obviously needs the psychological therapy.In number
ve,do nothing - the si lence wil l dr ive him crazy
Next t ime around,I wil l discuss more weaponry and tactics.Rember,it 's a jung
t t h e r e _ J o h n n B i g B a n g n p n u d i n g .
When considering a place to go on vacation this March Break,take a look at wa
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Readers' Di-jest is great
l*****************************^
*l** l t l**** TROUBLE ***********
No more Mr. Nice Guy -There
are rumors abounding over the
possible truce between the lit
erary genius who writes "His
Word - Trouble", and that other
Person who schluffs out "Her
other newspaper, "The Reader's
Dlgress: wm that she (from "Her
W"d~ Trouble" was having
ne0USHE.s0finher -"^hangin9, 3,
tS-f??Bh:ris0?^ln"n to he,s
some
ng all
On the more serious side, you
may have noticed that Gee? this
is not "Reader-s Digress" but
in fact, the other - and lesser
ft? a s tueras*r r
ho have to plagerize to'g^t
tedntod,ete-3USt "0t that talen-
,rn7F t? ln on such a daring
init iat ive as "Readers' Di- ief t"
skew -rawr-i''.
pical of her indecisive kind.
toBh^ 5 business, I would like
Carnival 'fv 9irlS at the ^nt-rnival s Varietv show whn fli
so latt.c.d by my p^ound^ss
alter d prese'nta ion^ 9aVe *"
a r t i c l e " a : o n o f y f i r s t
D igre l " ' "h "6 " "Reader 's
^ d / ^ h i r i a - r I s ^ T ^
tne various articles. This can
pe best seen in the fact that I
nave my page in columns, as do
u*2y f . the ther l i ters "ho
ad their material typed for
them. At the same time, however,
some pages are printed in the
Reader's Digress' fashion of a
line right across the page The
people who have done this will
change their style for the next
issue, or else
Once I have stopped going off
on wayward tangents, as do many
of my teachers, I can again get
down to the business of quite
neatly insulting a multitude of
People, and geting away with it-
After all is said and done, one'
can only say that most females,
for instance, are dizzy l i t t le
busybodies who, having no re
^n?S 2f.uheir OWn' 9et the guys
o lead them in life. Don't Iven
beleive for a moment that girls
have a chance to "climb up" in
the world, unless of cour'se they
get masculine assistance.(You
know what I mean ). One should
shudder at the thought.
Maybe my bias towards women is
affecting my credibility amongst
SCaa^; but unassuming, kidst Charlotetown Rural. Some of
the less br i l l iant ind iv iduals
that r S?h^ haVe determinedhat I, of all people, have an
alter ego which is kind to the
tairer gender Talk about a case
of mistaken identity Wouldn't
you know it though/these few
but determined females are just
nopmg that I will soften my
views so that they will be able
bian?La ChanCe to make ^eir
igoted views known to the rest
of this impressionable instifute
of learning. I feel that it is
my duty to provide a literary
oasing for the meek and ill at
ease of C.R.H.S.
Next Time; Unemployment and UB40
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Readers' Di-jest
The Spy's Eye:Espionage Notes
Stolen From Desks - and others
by Joe Znutar, Armchair Lt,Ret.
General Intel:
H.-There is a VCR in the library
used for blackmail - studying
^ ^ i0 r f subhumans - make
hat students.
#2: Buff Donnoly is a sleeper,
l i t e r a l l y . '
#3: An agent can be contacted at
locker 007.
#4: HAL lives in locker 2001
#5: Ghosts do not inhabit locker
numbers 13 through 666.
#6: The cafeteria is the site of
chemical and biological warfare
tests.
#7: A mysterious plague has very
recently struck the Rural
o: I t & #7 are not elated.Hah
19: The Reds have infiltrated
the Rural.(The Redmen?)
#10 Why couldn't the Blondes
have done it?
ALERT: TO all'operatives I stop
singling out a lone target of
the opposite sex for monitoring.
We're tired of getting the re
sulting photos The Agency isn't
a talent agency
- Lt. Znutar, Ret.
* * * * * * B u f f Donno l l y ' s * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * jou rna l * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Beware the ides of March yes,
today was both the 15th. of the
month of March, and so terrible'
The animals were so very worked
up over the fast approaching
March Break.
over^h^ n2 ne haS hit an*one
oyer the head with a "Ghetto
Blaster" since last Tuesday,
there have ben some outbreaks of
teachers hurling their pocket
radios at Mr. Maul And Mr. (r )
Larsen.You know, iife is sure
funny at Charlesstown Severely
t s
Run-down High, but there's al
ways lots of the good ol CSRH
team spirit. Too bad most of it
is in the hallways.
Well anyway, I did have a few
laughs today; like when Mr.
Burly lost his daushsund iii the
Teachers' Lounge, and the dog
bit Willy Flower. The dog might
even live. Then, Mr. Maul went
and challenged the entire hockey
team to a tag-team Wrestling
match He and Cresmond Gonna-Lee
really cleaned up. Speakina of
tha t , in the ca fe ter ia . . .B i l l
Handler mistook a student for
some garbage and shoved him into
a garbage compacter.
That was almost as funny as
the look on Mr. Larsen's face
when he went to his chemistry
class this morning. His studen
Krazy-glued their desks to the
ceiling Hah But Mr. Larsen was
quick to recover, forcing the
hapless students to sit in the
d^sks. Boy, you should*have seen
the look on their faces Talk
geting the blood flowing to your
head, that was funny
But seriously, it wasn't all
fun and games today. I had to
cope with Mrs. Canton's stories
all morning long If she was a
a student, I'd get Miss Chillus
to shoot her Then Mr. Jambe-Bo-
mme took to arms today and shot
two of his worst troublemakers.
That now makes fourten teachers
for guns, twelve against, and
nineteen indifferent. Arms Talks
are now going on with that silly
Students' Council. We get all of
the names of people writing for
Reader's Di-jest and they get a
few semi-automatic pistols to
help even the odds.
All told, this has been a dull
sort of day, but things are look
ing up for the March Break -I'll
be on vacation.
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Readers ' Di - jes t is incred ib le
** A FAMOUS PERSON SPEAKS OUT **
"Urn...well, I was working at
the store one day. A lady came
in. It was a hardware store. She
asked for a screen door; so, I
gave her a screen door. It did
not real ly seem right."
- Schwan Blame, former editor
of a defunct bird book.
A f te r tha t , you ' l l rea l l y need :
>>>>>>>>>> Dear Robin
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Readers' Di-jest dares to say
******* THE CRITICS, pAGE *ieieieieie
Standinq in The .Dark **********
Who hasnt heard "Doesn't Reallv
Matter"?(For example, my botch^
ed attempt at the Winter Carniv
al.) The song is the best of the
top ten Coming complete with
lyrics this album hints of syn-
chronicity - The Police), this
haiTJS,-20,\?0r those who are
" n n f c n ^ n l n ^ i n g * T h e t h e m e t o
i -h -e2n^,?ea l ly ^ t te r " is o f
N^r th^n11^7 ,^ the An t ing in
-qtpnH X5eland. other songs,
p niJ9 in The Dark", -Take itrom Me", and "Not in Love", are
outcries of personal anguish.
^ f " "6 t r a ck t a l ks o f a n
1?e^^Yt.fc-COinmunicate amotion
"Not 9 r inev i tab le conf l ic t .
ot in Love" is about a girl
th S ng n the lead dinger. The
hemes are sad and .depressing,
songs - the will to survive
lifts the songs in the form of
Thona^w c*?ruses *nd refrains.
p the three man group is a
olice derivative, they are or
iginal enough, i rate this album
f '? on ^ scale of l to 10
What else?).
N.B.: This reviewer will re
view Heavy Metal in the future
e j^ in 'p l f /1?8 the 0 fcher ^v iew
poo S. ad6r S Digress) stopped
OOLIN' himself and cover the
musical spectrum without bias
Long live Rock and Roll .
(In Deep )
Back Seat At The Movies *******
"Blame It On Rio " was indeed
u s over, all one can remember
is the fact that fewer and fewer
clothes are worn as the story
drags on. This walking loser is
6.0 on the R.A.W. scale.
The R.A.W. Scale Explained **
*
The R.A.W. scale is an unique
system of rating movies. Each of
the letters is roughly analogous
a certain numbered level:
R", or Rotten, is 0 to 4 9
thus making up half of all'movie
productions, which ARE rotten'
A , or Awful, is 5 to 7.8 ,
because I hate to see an great
movie that could have made it at
7;9wOn "The Scale".
"W", or Wonderful, is 7 9 - 9 9
There is no 10, mainly because'
of two things: I include zero in
my scale, and there never can be
a totally perfect movie.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
THE FLAT EARTH *** Thomas Dolby
Capitol St 12309
For such a irritating prson
as Thomas Dolby, with an equally
irritat ing track as "Hyperact
ive , he can really overcome my
first impressions of his really
progessive Rock. His exciting
video to cover the album makes
use of a multitude of special
effects and those irritating-
effects Dolby does to his voice
through the use of his several
synthesizers and tone generators
se
The cover track, "1 scare My-
Lf is-obviously based in Jaz-
Peter Thorn, a trombonist whose
efforts appear on two of "Flat
E a r t h " ' s c u t s . a t
th^HH11' X Vuld have to say
hat this, Dolby's second album,
will be an enormous success.
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8
Readers ' Di- jest is provocat ive.
******* c.S.R.H. NO ROOM *******
As we rejoin our story, we see
"Four-Hands" Davis has just won
the "Gee, He's The Most Beauti
ful Thing I've Seen In My Life"
award from the Students' Council
"Uh, thanks, I th ink . I rea l ly
appreciate this honour that you,
uh, dumped, er, have given me. I
would like to thank the people
who are responsible for getting
me to where I am today. My bus
driver, that cute blonde who
picked me up in her Fuego, the
old guy who drives the green and
white taxi past my house..."
From here we go to the destit
ute CSRH Radio Room, where Doug
Crossta lk is t ry ing to s tar t the
record p layer.
"I wonder what this switch with
that wire wil do?" thought Doug
as 10,000 volts began to surge
through his body."EAGHHHHH "
A hundred watts of pure noise
runs across the way to cafeteria
where this outpouring is so loud
that most of the students can't
hear themselves think - the rest
gave up long ago.
Here, Bil l ie Bower has just
finished his Shakey-Suds Orange
Juice In-A-Toothpaste Tube as
his old rival Marvin Voom gently
tips his homemade yogurt over
Bower's Head. Bower turns redder
than the yogurt and picks up a
half-eaten boi led egg.
Simultaneously, 350 CSRH stud
ents yell,"FOOD FIGHT " and in
stantaneously dive for the safe
ty of the floor. Pop and pieces
of sandwiches fly everywhere as
supporters of both sides of the
battle become embroil led.
It was then that Buff Donnolly
cherished principal of the CSRH
that is , s t rode in to the cafe ter
ia to get his usual, a Pac-Man
ice cream novelty. His patent
leather r iding boots and white
pith helmet were soon stained by
the vegetable matter that had
been missed by his all-watchful
s e l f .
F ina l l y , a f te r Mr . Bur l y ' s re
lease of his dauchsund into the
area, the fight began to ebb a
little, and was soon over by the
time that the dog devoured half
of a grade ten class. Miss
Chillus came in and mopped up
with her pocket-sized machinegun
and several tear gas grenades.
Of the cas
the seventee
mortally wou
t h i r t y - f o u r
minor abras
ser ious s ta i
the most af
to order to
helmet.
u a l t i e s , o
n grade te
nded. the
in number
ions and s
ns. Mr. Do
fected, be
Zimbobwae
nly the
n's were
rest, some
, only had
ome very
nnolly was
ing forced
for a new
In a rapid departure from what
had gone on previously, "Four-
Hands" decided to attempt to
speak with some sense of intell
igence, ".. .and in closing, I wou
Id like to thank Nancy Patterson
for doing all of those newspap
er commercials."
What he had said previously,
if it were in any way connected
with what he was speaking about,
almost sounded sincere. All the
time he was actually thinking of
his dream-girl, Nena, who does
the "Ninety-Nine Red Balloons"
v ideo.
Wil l Four-Hands stop talking?
Will Mr. Burly curb his dog?
Will Shakey Suds catch on?
Will yogurt shampoo catch on?
Will Mr. Donnolly get a helmet?
Will there ever be a girl here?
Wi l l t h i s sa t i re con t inue?
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Shutdown follows protracted contract talks
Reader's
eaded SUSpends publication indefinitely
>}c\re$$> he)
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8/21/2019 Charlottetown Rural High School CRHS Readers Di-Jest December 1984
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S/?U $ 120 DA; OfAP Ei'^T CAK 7XCK i":j f>ra6/mA/^
U>IM -Jtxeo 374T/0MC. DolB-y fOO/S tebuc.T/OA) 3:
o IAJ47-
tT %12-tfPL /&--- 3 V