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Communicating Clearly,Setting Limits, & Handling Stress
Jean Miranda, MFT, CEAPEmployee Assistance Program (EAP)
Winter 2013
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A Working Definition of Communication
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Active Listening Skills
• Practice in Pairs
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Active Listening Points
• Don’t give orders or commands
• Be a good listener, truly listening
• Listen with eyes and ears, nonverbally
• Validate feelings first, then facts
• Allow person to vent, know when to move on
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Empathic Listening
• Be non-judgmental - don’t put your own value system on the person or situation - don’t judge the facts or reality of their anxiety - listen, validate feelings
• Give your undivided attention• Listen carefully to the REAL message - listen for
clues through the smokescreen• Allow silence for reflection• Use re-statements for clarification
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Styles of Verbal Communication
• Assertive
• Aggressive
• Passive
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Body Language
• Proxemics
• Kinesics
• Paraverbals
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Communicating 100% of Your Meaning
• What % is verbal? • What % is nonverbal?
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Nonverbal Behavior
• Any message you transmit to another person has three parts:
– nonverbal = 55%
– paraverbal - 38%
– verbal = 7%
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Proxemics
• Invisible extension of our body
• Comfort area, 1.5 to 3 feet around body
• Factors: gender, past history, ethnicity, culture, hygiene, age, relationship, environment, professional experience, height, clothes, facial expression.....
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Tips About Personal Space
• Think of personal space of other person
• Violation of personal space can feel like a challenge or provocation
• Signs that you are someone’s space:
– broken eye contact
– bending back
– fingers/hand movements
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Kinesics:Body Language
• The nonverbal message we transmit through motion and posture– can be supportive or
provoking– invokes fight-or-
flight response– shoulder to shoulder,
toe to toe
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Elements Of Kinesics
• Facial expression
• Eye contact (or none)
• Body Posture, Body Orientation
• Approach (rate of speed)
• Hand Gestures
• Touch
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Paraverbals
• How we say what we say
• “Doorway” between verbal & nonverbal communication
• Like “theme music” in a movie: think “Jaws”
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Elements of Paraverbals
• Tone: inflection, energy, “attitude”, can be sarcastic, shaming, condescending
• Volume: raising or lowering of voice - don’t have to match person’s volume
• Cadence: speed, rhythm, rate
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Non-Verbal Communication
Body Orientation
Touch
Volume
Gesture
Posture
Inflection
Tone
Proxemics
Kinesics
Cadence
Pitch
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What You Have to Work With
• Results
• Relationships
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Emotional Intelligence
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Four Basic Needs
To FeelUnderstood
To Feel Welcome
To Feel Important
To Feel Comfortable
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A Simple But Effective Rubric
1. Negative behavior
2. Negative impact
3. Positive behavior
4. Positive impact
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Three Keys To Setting LimitsLimits need to be:
• Clear and concise… and consistent
• Reasonable to the person and to the situation
• Enforceable - be prepared to enforce it:
– would I?
– could I?
– no idle threats
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Verbal Tips & Techniques
• Remain calm
• Listen, give time to reflect and reply
• Be aware of nonverbals (yours and theirs)
• Redirect - repeat, re-state as needed
• provide positive choices, use humor if possible
• Use positive consequences, build in incentives
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Verbal Slip-ups to Avoid
• Overreacting
• Getting into a power struggle
• Making false promises
• Faking attention
• Becoming threatening
• Getting physical
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Verbal Slip-ups to Avoid
• Using jargon (esp. psychological)
• Setting limits you aren’t prepared to keep
• Minimizing the other’s feelings or experience
• Being judgmental
• Yelling or getting emotional
• DO model the behaviors we expect
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A Tip To Remember
First seek to understand, then to be understood.
Some listen with the intent to reply, rather than the intent to understand.
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Precipitating Factors
• Internal and external causes for acting-out behaviors that you may have little or no control over
• A crisis doesn’t happen in a vacuum
• Don’t burn out trying to control what you can’t control - there are other causes of baggage people bring into a situation
• Avoid becoming a precipitating factor yourself - de-personalize it
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Precipitating Factors
Internal• Physiological or Psychological illness• Lack of sleep• Stress, overwhelm• Loss of a loved one• Frustration, anxiety, stress, pain, hunger,
depression, fear
External• Family situation• Past history• Money issues• Change of all kinds• Weather,
Environment • Holidays,
anniversary dates
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Rational Detachment
• Our ability to stay in control of our emotions during a difficult interaction by remaining professional and not taking it personally
• Create buffer between you and the other person - “wall” deflects some things, allows others in
• Keep yourself healthy at home and at work - stay balanced, take care of yourself
• Create a comfortable work environment
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Rational Detachment
Prevention• Prior knowledge• Know your triggers and hot buttons
• Effective Teaming
• Have a life
• Support group/vent
Intervention• Anticipate, prepare
- have a plan A & B
• Don’t personalize
• Organizational focus
• Use humor
• Relaxation techniques
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Identifying Your“Hot Buttons”
Think back to the last time you had a “reactive” attitude at work:
• What set it off? What were your “hot buttons?”• How did the reactive attitude affect your interaction
(and the rest of your day)?• What would a strategic response have been?• What were the barriers to having a strategic
response?
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What is a “Strategic”Response?
• A response which attempts to achieve the result you desire
• Attempting to be positive in difficult or challenging situations
• Choosing our behaviors and following through with the right attitude despite negative influences
• Taking the initiative to make things happen: Proactive, not Reactive
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What to Avoid!Boundaries Can Help
• Letting others’ reactive responses rub off on you
• Taking out your own frustrations on others
• Allowing others to make decisions for you
• Letting others impact your mood or your health
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Insulate Your Attitude
• Allow yourself to feel and express emotions (appropriately)
• Use positive self-talk
• Talk about it with a friend, family or co-worker
• Manage your stress effectively and take care of yourself
• If you can’t control it, don’t worry about it – let it go
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Managing Your Stress Effectively
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Road Map
Awareness – Stress Symptoms
Acceptance – Stress Traps
Action – Communication, Time Management, & more
Coping – Stress Management Strategies
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Stress: Truths and Myths
Stress is all around us
Stress can be positive or negative
Most people focus on the stress itself, rather than on managing it
A stress-free life is possible and preferable
Only unpleasant situations are stressful
Stress is bad - avoid it at all costs
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Signs of Stress
Having trouble sleeping
Forgetting things
Anxious about not having enough time
Skipping meals, breaks, vacation time
Cutting others off before they finish
Fatigued
Preoccupied
Impatient/irritable
Easily frustrated/angry
Look tired, dark circles under the eyes
Lost sense of humor
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Stress Symptoms
Physical
Cognitive
Emotional
Behavioral
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Responding To Stress:The ABC Theory
Your body produces physical signals; then:
Your mind produces cognitive signals; then:
Your feelings give you emotional signals; then:
....you interact with others....
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Perception Defines Experience
It’s not the event itself, but how you interpret and react to it that causes the feeling of stress and determines how stressed you feel.
Taking more control of each step is the name of the game
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Transform Trigger Thoughts....
Automatic response to an event
Just the right reason to get upset
Great justification for stonewalling
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....Into Coping Thoughts
The opposite of trigger thoughts
Reduces stress by changing your perception of the event
The goal is that this response become automatic
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Consequences of aHigh-Stress Work Style
Inability to prioritize – can spend too much time on trivial details
Time urgency – feel overwhelmed, rush others around you
Accidents and mistakes occur
Burnout
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Improving Your Ability to Handle Stress
Self-assurance Personal vision
Choose realistic and flexible goals
Get organized Proactive perspective
Anticipate changes, plan contingencies
Fine tune problem solving skills
Interpersonal competence Socially connected Balanced workload
Self-inventory: what helps you be resilient in times of stress?
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Stress Reduction TechniquesThat Work
Something internal:- deep breathing- guided imagery- meditation- re-framing- recharging
- trigger thoughts to coping thoughts
Something external:
- aerobics, stretching
- running, jogging,
swimming, biking
- lifting weights
- expressive arts
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Coping Strategies Manage your own reactions
Set goals and reward yourself
Build your support system
Manage your time and tasks, prioritize to-do lists
Identify and eliminate time wasters
Rationally detach, focus on things you can control or influence
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