Download - Got Your Back
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by Ryan Basen
Deal ing with Friends and Enemies
Essential Health
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Deal ing with Friends and Enemies
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Deal ing with Friends and Enemies
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Published by ABDO Publishing Company, 8000 West 78th Street,Edina, Minnesota 55439. Copyright 2011 by Abdo ConsultingGroup, Inc. International copyrights reserved in all countries. Nopart o this book may be reproduced in any orm without writtenpermission rom the publisher. Te Essential Library is a trademarkand logo o ABDO Publishing Company.
Printed in the United States o America,North Mankato, Minnesota062010092010
Editor: Rebecca RowellCopy Editor: Nick CaarelliInterior Design and Production: Marie upyCover Design: Marie upy
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataBasen, Ryan.Got your back : dealing with riends and enemies / Ryan Basen.
p. cm. (Essential health: a guys guide)Includes index.ISBN 978-1-61613-540-91. FriendshipJuvenile literature. 2. Interpersonal relations
Juvenile literature. 3. BoysPsychologyJuvenile literature. I.itle.BF575.F66B367 2011155.632dc22
2010017072
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Good luck!Ryan
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aking riends might come
easily to you. You may have
many riends and spend a lot
o time with them. Perhaps you hang out
with your riends several times a week
or see each other every day in school.
You spend the rest o the time with your
amily. So, maybe you dont know what
its like to be alone.
Some boys know that lonely
eeling, though. For some reason, they
dont click with other kids at school, at
camp, or at extracurricular activities such
as sports or band. Even ater spending
hours around other kids, they dont
become riends with any o them. hey
are loners.
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Being a loner is no fun. Fewkids, if any, would choosenot to have friends.
Being a loner is no un. Few kids, i any, would
choose not to have any riends. Even the shiest
guys try to make riends. But they arent always
successul. hey hang out by themselves and study by
themselves. As a result, they eel isolated.
Jake was one such loner. Check out his
experience to see how he handled going to school
without any riends.
Like all o his ith grade classmates at his elementary
school, Jake graduated in June and prepared to move
to a new school. Unlike his peers, though, Jake had a
ew riends, but not many. He preerred to play video
games and sometimes even board games by himsel.
Jakes new middle school reaked him out. He
was used to attending a school with about 100 kids
in his grade. He knew many o them because he
had been going to school with them or years. Jakes
middle school, however, had 300 kids in the sixth
grade. He didnt know most o his classmates.
At the start o the
school year, many o
Jakes old classmates
continued hanging out
with each other. But, just as had been the case in
elementary school, Jake didnt hang out with them.
And he elt weird starting conversations with kids he
didnt know.
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He could hear them talking as he walked by in
the hall. A guy would say, Hey, do you have Mr. Ash
or math?
Yeah, the other guy would say, and just like
that, two kids would become instant riends.
Other kids didnt reach out to Jake, either. Jake
elt as i he didnt it in with any o his classmates. He
wasnt a great athlete. He wasnt in the school band.
He didnt want to join any clubs. He was a good
student, but he couldnt ind anything in common
with his peers outside o class.
Jake oten ate lunch in the school caeteria by
himsel or sat with teachers. During ree times in gym
class, he would shoot baskets by himsel. Jake studied
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by himsel, too. He did so even during study hall,
when students were allowed to work together.
Jake couldnt work by himsel orever, though.
One day in social studies, Mr. Murray announced,
For your oral reports on Australia, I am dividing you
into groups. Lissy, Jamie, Zach, and Jake will be in
our irst group.
Jake elt a shiver go through his body when
Mr. Murray said his name. Jamie immediately took
charge. Jake, what section do you want to do? he
asked. Jake paused. He knew nothing about Australia.
Lets see, Jamie said, I have Sydney already.
How about Melbourne?
Uh, okay, Jake replied.
Why did Jake have trouble adjusting tohis new school? Why do you think Jake
avoided conversations with other kids? Have you ever fel t too intimidated toapproach other kids? Why did you feelthat way?
Have you seen a lonely student in yourschool? Have you tried to reach out
to him?
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Jake accepted the invitation, but he was really
nervous. He went to the park ater school on Friday.
He had butterlies in his stomach as he got to thepark and saw about two dozen kids he barely knew.
Although he wasnt great at ootball, he was decent
enough to play. He caught a couple o passes and
made a ew tackles.
Most o the guys didnt know Jake. hey only
knew him as the kid who oten shot baskets byhimsel in gym class. Ater the ootball game, though,
they came over and talked with him.
Youre pretty good, Zach said. I hope youre
on my team next time. hen, Jamie came up to Jake.
Hey dude, he said. Youre in my math class too,
right?Yeah, I think so, Jake replied.
We have that test on Monday. You wanna
come over and study or it on Sunday? Jamie said.
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his time, Jake did not hesitate to give an
answer. Sure, thatd be great he said. Let me know
what time I should be there.
As Jake walked home rom the park ater the
game, he smiled to himsel and took a deep breath.
He still was not entirely comortable at his new
school. He still elt too shy to approach many o his
classmates. But he no longer elt isolated. Some o
his classmates had noticed him and tried to get to
know him. hey seemed to like him and wanted to
hang out with him. Maybe they would even become
riends.
Why was Jake sti l l a bi t apprehensiveabout his new friends as he walked home?
Have you ever reached out and tried tobefriend a loner? What happened? Did youbecome friends?
What about students who have an evenharder time fitt ing in than Jake? Howmight you help them feel less alone?
Do you think Jake wi l l continue to hangout with Jamie and the other guys? Whyor why not?
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sk any adult i they were
popular when they were
your age. Many will laugh.
Others will shudder. Still others will get
nostalgic. Popularity is not as important
to most adults. Many o them are even
embarrassed that they considered their
popularity to be so important when they
were kids. Yet, thats just the way it is.
Being popular is important to most kids
your age.
Being popular is so important, in
act, that some guys get carried away
with it. hese guys make decisions based
on how they think other kids will react
to them. hey might go out o their way
to stay on top o rumors. hey want to
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Being popular is so importantthat some guys get carried
away with it. They makedecisions based on how theythink other kids wil l reactto them.
go to every dance or party. And when they become
popular, they are sometimes mean to kids who arent
popular because they think that it will make them
look better in the eyes o the other popular kids.
hey sometimes orget who they really areand
who their real riends areand act like someone they
really arent.
Sean was one o those popular kids. all, good-
looking, and athletic, Sean quickly became popular
at camp one summer. ake a look at Seans story or a
lesson about being Mr. Popular.
Sean jogged over to the sideline, grabbed his bottle o
Gatorade, and took a big gulp. He wiped his orehead
with his sleeve. He was playing a pickup basketball
game on this irst day o summer camp.
Hi, Sean, he heard a girl call out.
Sean turned around and saw Ashley. She was
a tall, brown-haired girl he had known or a couple
years but had rarely talked to.
Hey, he replied. Shes hot, he thought.
Ashley smiled and continued walking past the
court with a ew riends.
Sean had been
attending the same camp
or a ew years. He knew
a lot o the kids there,
but he had never thought
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much about being popular until the summer he
turned 13. Suddenly, playing sports and working at
the camp radio station werent the only things Sean
cared about. He now paid attention to girls and wasdesperate or them to notice him. He also wanted
other guys to think he was cool.
Sean didnt know why being popular was
suddenly important. He just knew that it was. his
urge inluenced every decision he made, rom what
shorts to wear to what cereal to eat or breakast.Ater all, other kids were watching him, he thought.
Pretty soon, Sean was very popular at camp. He
became riends with some o the prettiest girls his
age. He started on the camp basketball and baseball
teams. He cohosted a show on the radio station once
a week with another popular boy. Other camperswatched his games and cheered or him. he cheers
elt intoxicating to Seanso did the attention rom
the girls.
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By the end o the second week o summer
camp, Sean began to date a popular girl named Lisa.
hey would hold hands and hang out with otherpopular kids. Being popular made Sean eel like he
was better than other, regular guys. One aternoon,
Gabe, who had been his riend the summer beore,
came up to Sean as he was sitting with Lisa and her
riend Izzy on a table in the shade.
Hey, Sean, wanna come play soccer? Gabeasked.
Sean looked at Lisa and Izzy, then turned to
Gabe. He knew the girls thought Gabe was too geeky
to hang out with them.
Uh, I dont think so. Soccer is or geeks, Sean
laughed.Gabe s whole ace turned red. He quickly
walked away. Later that aternoon, Sean came up
How did Sean get popular? Do you thinkhe was being himself or being who hethought others wanted him to be?
Why would Sean pay so much attention towhat other kids thought about him?
Why do you think Sean felt so intoxicatedby the cheering and attention?
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rom behind and knocked Gabe to the ground. Gabe
was not his only target. Sean pushed a lot o kids
around, taunting them and putting them down in
ront o girls. Doing this made him eel stronger,
more powerulmore popular.
Sean igured he had enough riends. He
shunned other kids, even though he had things in
common with them. I they wanted to play pickup
basketball with Sean and his riends, hed tell them to
go away.
As the second session began, new kids arrived
at camp. A ew o them were in Seans cabin, but he
ignored them. He was too cool or them, he thought.
A ew o the new kids didnt like the way Sean
treated them and other guys. hey hated how he
would cut in line or the shower and rip on them in
Why would Sean feel l ike he was better thanother kids just because he was popular?
How did popul arity change Seans behav ior?
Why would Sean close his mind to o ther kidswho were potential friends? What do you
think wil l happen because of this?
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ront o girls. Unlike other kids who had tolerated
Seans antics during the irst session, these new guys
decided to stand up to Sean.Hey, dude, Brendan said to om one
morning, as they cleaned up their bunk. hat Sean
kid is such a jerk.
I know, om replied. He thinks hes all that.
om and Brendan came up with a plan to teach
Sean a lesson. First, they played simple pranks onSean. hey loosened the screws on his bed so when
he got into it, the bed slammed to the loor. hey
told the girls he was riends with rumors, saying
things like he wet the bed and still slept with a
blanky.
wo weeks into the second session, Lisas riendBeth knocked on the door at Seans cabin. Sean came
out to talk to her.
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Wheres Lisa? Seanasked. He nervously looked
around, but did not see heranywhere.
just laughed at him and gossiped about him. One
morning, he was playing basketball when Lisa, Beth,
and two other girls walked by. hey looked at Sean
and giggled. Sean wanted to approach them, but he
was too embarrassed.
What a loser, he
heard Lisa say as they
walked past the court.
Other boys no
longer looked up to Sean.
He didnt know what to do. he summer had started
o so well . . . but he now realized that being popular
had gone to his head. He couldnt wait to get back
home and start attending a new school in the all.
At least there hed have a clean slate.
Did the boys who tricked Sean handle thesituation appropriately?
What else could they have done in thesituation?
Could Sean change the way the kids atcamp view him now? If yes, how?
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What a dork, Brad said.
Pedro, Brad, and others made un o his glasses
and braces. hey called him names. hey laughed
at his poor coordination. During gym class oneaternoon, Amir ell while trying to grab a rebound.
All the boys in classeven some girlslaughed
loudly.
But that teasing was nothing compared to
what Amir had to deal with rom bullies. Some o
the bigger, meaner kids in Amirs class oten pushedaround other kids. So did other kids who had
suddenly become popular.
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Amir told him, Im just having a bad day. I
lunked my history test. alking about the situation
with Mr. Johnson was the last thing Amir wanted
to do. But Mr. Johnsons concern got Amir thinking
about maybe telling his parents sometime.
Amir . . . is everything okay? Amirs mom put
her hand on his orehead as he lay on the couch ater
school that day.
Amir paused. He wanted to say he was ine, but
he couldnt get any words out.
Whats wrong? his mother asked.
Again, Amir said nothing. He just looked at the
loor and tried hard not to cry. his time, though,
tears started rolling down his cheeks.
Why was Amir such a popular target forbull ies? Have you ever been a target?
Why would other kids laugh when Amir wasbeing bull ied, instead of helping him?
Why wouldnt Amir talk to his teacherabout the bullying?
Why does Amir feel l ike less of a personbecause of the bullying?
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ell me whats wrong, his mother begged. Are
you having problems at school?Yes, Amir whispered.
Little by little, Amir told his mother all about
the bullying. She was angry. She couldnt believe the
school allowed this to go on. Why didnt you tell me
this beore? she demanded. We need to put a stop
to this. his is a serious problem. Your classmateshave no right to treat you like this.
he next day, Amirs mother spoke to the
principal, Mr. Elliott. He agreed to try to stop the
bullying. Mr. Elliott called some o the kids who had
been bullying Amir into his oice. He sat them across
rom his desk and looked them in the eye.Ive been told that some o you have been
pushing around one o our students, he said. his
will stop right now.
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Mr. Elliott made it clear they were not to bully
Amir, or any other kids, anymore.
I you continue this behavior, he told them,
you will receive detention, suspension, and possibly
expulsion.
hat aternoon, Amir got on the bus to go
home. He elt nervous as he climbed the stairs. No
one touched him or called him names, but they
watched him. he bullies and their riends shot dirty
looks at Amir.
He was relieved to get home. He made it
through another day. Amir wasnt sure what the
next day would bring, but he no longer elt alone in
dealing with the situation.
What do you th ink prompted Amir to
final ly tel l his mom about the bul lying? Why do you think the principal spoke toAmirs bull ies without Amir in the room?
Do you think the bul lying is real ly over?
What else could Am ir do to help end the
bullying?
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Blake resented that he hadto work harder than theydid just to keep up.
parents who loved him very much. He was athletic,good-looking, and girls talked to him at school.
But not everything was easy or Blake. He had a
learning disability. Sometimes, it took a long time or
something to make sense to him. his held him back
in school. I he didnt work hard at his schoolwork
every day, he would all behind.Blake resented that
he had to work harder
than other kids just to
keep up. When Blake
looked at the bright kids, he became even more
inuriated. hey werent as athletic or cool as him.Few o them were even popular, which he was. How
dare they act like they were better than him.
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Blake eventually started taking out his anger
on the kids he resented. Jonah was answering a lot
o questions in biology class one aternoon. He was
one o the brightest students in the class, with an A
average. Blake had just received a D on his last test,even though hed done all the homework.
his angered Blake. Ater class, as they walked
into the hallway, Blake stuck out his oot and tripped
Jonah. Ooooops, Blake said, laughing.
As he walked away, he heard Jonah whimpering.
A ew classmates laughed. Have a nice trip, Jonah?Ray called out.
For the irst time in weeks, Blake elt better
about himsel. He noticed the same eeling the next
day when he made un o odd, a bright kid in his
history class. odd wore clothes that were too small
or him and parted his hair neatly.Beore class, Blake said to odd, You look like
a girl with your hair like that. Do you have to get up
extra early to make it look so pretty?
Do you have a learning disabil ity? How doesit affect learning and studying?
Why would B lake resent kids he barelyknows? What do you think wil l happenbecause of his resentment?
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One aternoon, Blake ound another target:
Brett. He punched Brett in the arm. hen, he
grabbed Bretts nipple and twisted it until Brettscreamed.
David saw what happened. Blake, why are
you such a bully? he asked. You never pick on kids
your own size. You never tease anyone who is in the
popular crowd. You just pick on people who will
give in to you. You think that makes you cool, but itdoesnt. It just makes you mean.
Several kids in the group were stunned.
Ooooooh, a ew o them said in unison. hey
igured Blake would attack David next.
But Blake did nothing. He couldnt answer
Davids questionsat least not out loud. Instead,Blake just walked away, eeling ashamed. He thought
about what David had said. He knew he didnt bully
stronger kids because he was araid they would ight
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aying attention in class can be
hard sometimes. You have to sit
still and ocus on a subject that
may not interest you. hat can drive
some guys to act out. hey may make
aces, crack jokes, or make noises. hey
do whatever they can or attention. You
probably know at least one o these guys.
He is the class clown.
Being a class clown can be un. o
an extent, you get away with acting out.
Classmates laugh at your jokes, which
can make you eel popular. You dont
have to take school so seriously.
But being the class clown usually
doesnt work out in the long run.
Everybody is in school or a reason: to
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Is something wrong? Aarons mother asked.
He is out o control and has no respect or this
class, she promptly responded.
Something had to be done, they agreed. Im
not sure Aaron is being challenged in this class,
Aarons mother told Ms. Schwartz. It may move too
slowly or him. Mrs. Silver noted that Aarons grades
were not bad and he usually did well on tests. So, she
knew that even though he was acting like a clown, he
had no trouble learning the material. Why dont we
move him to another class? Mrs. Silver suggested.
Not just any class, but the advanced class.
At the end o the quarter, Aaron was moved to
the advanced class. At irst, he tried to be a clown.
He made the usual noises and aces, cracked jokes,
and blew bubbles with his gum.
Do you think Aaron cared about how hisbehavior impacted other students?
Why would Aarons mother suggest movinghim to the advanced class? What do youthink wi l l happen there?
Has a teacher or parent ever moved youto a different class? Why?
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Aaron was stunned. Hehadnt heard such honestwords from another guy inhis class before.
Mark leaned over and said, Nice costume, but
Halloween is still a month away.
Aaron didnt know
what to say.
Mark went on,
Look, youre a unny
guy, but youre really
distracting. How do you
get good grades when you never pay attention in
class?
Aaron was stunned. He hadnt heard such
honest words rom another guy in his class beore.
he whole walk home, Aaron thought about what
Mark had said.
Why would Aarons new classmates ignorehis behavior? What do you think Aaronthought when he couldnt get a reactionout of them?
How did changing classes affect Aaron?
Why do you think Mark said what hedid? Why was his opinion so surprisingto Aaron?
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t started with toys and cereal.
Now, its apparel and sneakers.
Pretty soon, it may be cars and
gadgets. hroughout your lie, you will
be bombarded with advertisements rom
people trying to get you to buy stu.
Some o them are hard to resist.
Its especially diicult as an
adolescent. Because you are still iguring
out who you are, you may be on the
lookout or the next hot product to
identiy with. Look around your school.
You probably see kids exhibiting any
number o styles. Many o them will
change by this time next year.
Some kids go overboard. In an
attempt to it in or ind an identity,
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Kevin was a kid who alwayswanted to be ahead of thecurve with new styles andtrends. He thought they
would make him more popularand make classmates thinkhe was cool.
they jump rom one ad to the next. Many o these
ads dont it them at all, but they are desperate to
try them out. hese guys seem oblivious to how silly
they may look.
Kevin was a kid who always wanted to be ahead
o the curve with new styles and trends. He thought
they would make him more popular and make
classmates think he was cool. But he learned he was
wrong.
When he started
middle school, Kevin
suddenly started to pay
a lot o attention to his
appearanceespecially
what he wore. He noticed
that many o the eighth
graders looked much cooler than he did. hey
seemed to be popular, talked to girls, and looked
happy. I want to be like that, Kevin thought.
O course he couldnt be exactlylike the other
kids, so he settled or what he considered the next-
best thing: to act and look just like the most popular
kids in school. Not many o Kevins riends ollowed
the trends, but Kevin decided he would have to be
stylish i he wanted to be popular.
At the time, all kinds o ads had iniltrated
Kevins school. Many guys wore baggy, dark jeans
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Kevin adopted all thosefads. After al l , he wantedto look l ike he fit in. By theend of his f irst semester of
middle school, his friendsdidnt recognize himanymore.
watched hip-hop videos over and over again on his
computer. He memorized some o the lines and
repeated them out loud at school. He started wearing
his baggy jeans pulled down low, showing his boxer
shorts. When he spoke to his parents, Kevin repeated
the slang terms he heard
in the videos and had
seen in his new avorite
television shows.
Whats up with
Kevin? Brandon said to
Billy one morning at the
bus stop.
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I know, Billy said. Hes gotten weird.
Kevins parents only shook their heads and tried
to ignore his behavior.
Hes going through a phase, his mother said.
How long is this phase going to last? his ather
shot back. Hes getting to be obnoxious.
One day ater school, Kevins old riend Nate
called to him across the hallway. Kevin! Will you sit
by me on the bus? Ive got some new songs we can
listen to on my iPod, Nate yelled.
Kevin was embarrassed. He was walking with
a group o his new riendsthe guys who dressed
like himand he didnt want to be seen hanging out
with Nate. Kevin turned his shoulder and pretended
he hadnt heard Nate. He knew it was wrong, but he
What do Kevin s parents mean when they sayhes going through a phase?
Have you ever changed your entireappearance and tastes so much that your
friends didnt recognize you? Why did youdo it?
Why do you think Kevin changed so much,so quickly?
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didnt care. He had more important people to hang
out with.
By the end o the school year, Kevin had
completely stopped hanging out with many o his old
riends. His new riends were into the same styles he
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Why did Kev in find it hard to connectwith his new friends?
What did Kevin real ize about hisfriendship with Nate?
Do you think Nate wi l l forgive Kevin? Whyor why not?
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eaving riends behind is one o
the most diicult things some
guys have to do. Suddenly, your
amily moves to a new town or you
transer to a dierent school. You were
used to seeing your riends almost every
day. Now, you see them once a week,
once a month, or only once a year.
When a guy moves, he loses the
daily support o old riends whom he
trusted. Suddenly, hes surrounded by
kids he barely knows. And no parent,
teacher, or coach can ill the voidno
matter how hard they try.
Ron is one guy who had this
experience when he moved to a new
school. He started sixth grade in one
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When a guy moves, he losesthe daily support of oldfriends whom he trusted.Suddenly, hes surroundedby kids he barely knows.
school, while most o his riends enrolled at another.
ake a look at Rons story to see how he coped with
the anxiety o leaving riends behind.
Ron had been happy at
his elementary school.
It was close to home, so
he walked there every
morning with his littlebrother and his riends Steve and John. Ron would
spend recess playing ootball or basketball with his
riends. Ater school, he competed on organized
sports teams with those same riends. He volunteered
at the school store and knew many o the teachers.
Ater ith grade, Rons parents transerred himto a private school. hey said the new school would
challenge him more academically and provide
more structure.
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his will help you become a better student and
learn discipline, his ather said.
Do I have to? Ron asked.
Yes, you do.
Rons ather was right about the new school.
Rons sixth grade classes were much harder than his
classes had been at the old school, and his teachers
expected him to be more organized and more
respectul in class. But moving to a new school had
negative consequences, too. For the irst time he
could remember, Ron was not around his riends
every day. In act, he barely saw them at all.
Ron missed his old riends. Most o them still
attended school together. hey hung out all the time
and made more riends at their middle school. With
the longer drive home rom school, Ron missed a lot
o un every aternoon. Ron worried that he would
be abandoned by his old buddies because he was
suddenly not at school with them.
Why was Ron so comfortable at hiselementary school? Are you happy with your group of friends?What would you do if you had to leave thembehind?
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Mom, he said to his mother one night shortly
ater school started in the all, what i my old riends
dont want to hang out with me anymore?heyre all in the neighborhood. Youll still see
them around, his mother replied, but Ron didnt eel
any better. He just wasnt sure.
Why did Ron feel isolated without his o ldfriends around?
Have you ever moved away from closefriends? Were you able to keep in touchwith them?
Why was Ron so anxi ous about what hisold friends were up to?
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In winter, basketball season started and Ron
rejoined a ew o his riends on their league team.
His ace broke into a broad smile when he saw Ross,
David, and a ew other old riends on the irst day
o practice. He hadnt smiled so big in a while. Hey
guys, he called out as he walked into the gym. he
other boys looked at Ron and smiled. Dude, David
said, where have you been?
At irst, Ron elt like nothing had changed.
But he realized that he was let out o a lot o
conversations. When the guys talked about the time
Mr. Wallaces toupee ell o in class, Ron thought the
story was unnybut he hadnt been there to see it.
And they had all kinds o inside jokes that Ron didnt
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get. He couldnt igure out why they all yelled out
Kidneys! and laughed hysterically when someone
did something stupidbut he didnt want to ask,
either.
Ron was sad that he was growing apart rom
his old riends. But he really liked some o the new
riends he was making, like Barry rom his science
class. He wondered i maybe moving on was or
the best.
Have you ever reunited with old friendsafter being apart for a long time? How didthat feel?
Do you agree with Ron that moving on tonew friends is for the best?
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Here, he responded meekly.
he other students were surprised to hear a new
name, and several turned around when Dan spoke.
Class, we have a new student with us this
morning, Ms. Claiborne said. Daniel just moved
here rom Pennsylvania. Please welcome him. Daniel,
introduce yoursel.
Dan stood up. His voice quivered, and his body
shook a bit. Uh, my name is Daniel Simpson, he
said. I grew up in York, in Pennsylvania. I moved
here last week.
At lunch and recess, Dans new classmates
surrounded him.
Whats Pennsylvania like? Chris wondered.
Why did you move here? Kelsey asked.
Uh, I moved here because my dad got a new
job, Dan replied. Pennsylvania is okay, I guess.
So do you, like, play baseball or anything?
Chris went on.
Why would Dan try to avoid being noticed byhis new classmates?
Why do you think Dan was so nervous aboutintroducing himself? Have you ever beennervous about meeting new kids?
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What kind o music do you listen to? Kelsey
asked. I love hip-hop.
No, I dont really like baseball, but I like
basketball. No, I dont listen to hip-hop. Dan liked
the interest the kids showed in him, but he elt so
dierent rom them. He didnt seem to like what they
liked. Im never going to fit in, he thought to himsel.
He just wanted the school day to end.
Dan sat through a ew more classes and was
barraged by more questions until the day inally
ended. He trudged home rom the bus stop and
walked in the ront door.
How was your irst day? His mom asked
cheerully. Did you make any new riends?
Mom, do I have to go back tomorrow? he
asked, though he knew what her answer would be.
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His mother chuckled. O course you do,
honey. But cheer up. Itll get better. Just be yoursel.
Dan didnt eel encouraged by his moms words.
He went to bed dreading going to school the next
day. he rest o the week was just as tough or Dan.
he kids kept asking him questions, and Dan elt like
he kept giving the wrong answers. He got less and
less talkative as the week went on. Soon, the others
stopped talking to him all together.
Dan didnt know what to do to it in better. He
couldnt pretend to like things he wasnt interested
in. he kids in his classes had learned to ignore him
because he wouldnt carry on a conversation with
them. Dan was miserable. His grades were starting
to suer because he wouldnt speak in class and did
poorly on group projects.
Dan got into the habit o eating his lunch really
ast and then going to the library to read by himsel
or the rest o the period. One day, he had just settled
Why do you think Dan wanted the other kidsin class to leave him alone?
Why would Dan want to stay away fromschool? Have you ever wanted to avo id aplace because you were new?
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in at one o the tables to start his avorite authors
new graphic novel, when he heard the chair across
rom him moving. A guy who hed seen in the hall
but never met sat down across rom him.
Hi, the other guy said. Im Steve. Youre Dan,
right? You moved here a ew weeks ago?
Yeah, said Dan, warily. From Pennsylvania.
Hes my avorite author, said Steve, pointing
to Dans book. I havent read the new one yet.
Hes great, right? replied Dan, warming up.
You wanna borrow it when Im done?
he guys talked about graphic novels until
lunch was over. Dan went to his next class with a new
spring in his step.Maybe there is someone in this school
I can talk to, he thought.
Why did Dan have so much trouble fitt ingin with his new classmates?
Why did Dan start to struggl e withschoolwork? Has a personal problem everaffected your schoolwork?
Why did one conversation make such adifference to Dan? Do you think he wil lstart making more friends now?
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Life can be complicatedfor a guy with culturaldifferences. While many ofhis classmates eat pizzaand play football , he may
eat shepherds pie, atraditional Engl ish food, andlove soccer.
Raphael struggled to overcome cultural
dierences with his classmates. His amily moved
rom Brazil to the United States. Raphael barely
spoke English and knew nothing about U.S.
culture, except or what he saw in the movies and on
television. ake a look at Raphaels story to see how
he handled this situation.
Raphael came rom a
large Brazilian amily. He
grew up playing soccer
with his brothers and
going to the beach near
his amilys house. He was
competitive and smart,
and lots o guys wanted
to be his riend.
When Raphael was 12, his amily moved to the
United States. Raphael quickly realized that his new
classmates were dierent rom his riends in Brazil.
On his irst day o school, many o them organized a
ootball game at recess. Raphael joined in.
But he was surprised when they started
throwing around a unny-shaped brown ball with
white stripes. Football? he wondered out loud.
his is ootball?
Yeah, Michael answered. What did you think
we were going to do?
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Raphael had expected them to be kicking
around a soccer ball. In Brazil, kids called soccer
futbol, which sounds like ootball.
Raphaels new classmates were dierent in other
ways, too. hey only went to the beach during the
summer, because it was a ew hours away. Worst o
all, none o them spoke a word o Portuguese. hat
was the only language Raphael knew well.
Raphael was determined to it in at his new
school. At irst, that was diicult. Raphael joined
the ootball games his classmates played during
recess. But he didnt know the rules o American
ootball. One morning, he tackled a classmate ater
the boy had stepped out o bounds. Raphael did not
understand the play had ended.
Raphael! Michael yelled. What the heck are
you doing?
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On another play, he tried to kick the ball
instead o throw it. Raphael, Justin said, sounding
agitated, were not attempting a ield goal now.
Football has so many weird rules, Raphael
thought.
Most o the time, Raphael could barely
understand what his classmates were saying. When he
started his new school, he was placed in a special class
with other students who primarily spoke languages
other than English.
One day in the caeteria, a popular kid named
Scott called Raphael over to his table. Raphael
elt special that Scott had singled him out. Hey,
Raphael, Scott said, sit down. We were just
talking about that new spy movie that came out this
weekend. Did you see it?
Describe a situation where everyone wasdifferent from you. How did you handle it?
Is there anyone i n your class from anotherculture? How are you different? How areyou al ike?
Would being different from yourclassmates make you feel uneasy oruncertain about yourself?
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No, Raphael answered. He was embarrassed.
He had no idea what Scott was talking about, but the
other guys seemed to be excited about the movie.
I loved that chase scene, Scott continued.
Remember what the spy called the bad guys? he
other guys laughed and said the word aloud. It was a
new word to Raphael.
Yeah, piped in Jack. hat actors so cool. You
should really see that movie, Raphael.
Raphael knew he probably wouldnt
even understand the movie i he saw it. But he
remembered the word the guys had said. I that
movie was so cool, then that word must be cool, too.
It wasnt until later, when a teacher overheard
him saying the word in the hallway, that he learned it
wasnt so cool ater all. He was so embarrassed when
he ound out what the word meant.
Raphael was upset about what had happened.
He told his mom about it when he got home.
What do you th ink it would be l ike to moveto a place where everyone spoke a differentlanguage?
Do you think the boys tricked Raphael intosaying a bad word? Why or why not?
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So, why dont you, honey? Lets sign you up or
a team. hat way, youll meet boys who like soccer
just as much as you do. And as or the language, well,
your ather and I want you and your brothers to sign
up or extra English classes on Saturday mornings.
We think they will help a lot.
Raphael agreed. He was excited about the soccer
league. As much as he wanted to it in with his new
classmates, he didnt want to orget everything about
his Brazilian culture. It was an important part o who
he was.
Raphaels English improved quickly. Now, he
could understand what his classmates were saying. He
was able to move out o the special education class he
started in to the larger class that was conducted ully
in English.
Raphael loved his soccer league. He discovered
that, although most o his classmates preerred
Have you ever taken interest in a newculture? Was it difficult to understand?
Do you think joini ng a soccer team andtaking Engl ish classes wi l l help Raphael bemore comfortable with U.S. culture? Why orwhy not?
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ootball, plenty o American kids also liked soccer.
And Raphael was great at soccer. He was instantly
one o the top players on his team. He scored a ton o
goals playing orward.
At the end o the season, Raphaels teammates
were invited to his house or a party. His mother
cooked them an authentic Brazilian lunch.
Wow, what is this? Zach asked as he dug into
a second helping.
Fried plantains, Raphael replied, in perect
English.
Its really good, Zach said.
Zach also ound it ascinating when Raphael
and his mother spoke to each other in Portuguese.
Hey, Raphael, Zach said, could you teach me some
Portuguese?
Sim, Raphael replied in Portuguese. Sure.
How did Raphael overcome his cultura ldifferences?
Why do you think Raphael invited histeammates to his house for a party at theend of the soccer season?
Have you ever gone to the house of afriend from another culture?
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angs are groups o people, oten
young males, who band together
in the name o brotherhood.
Yet, they can be violent and sometimes
engage in illegal behavior such as drug
dealing, thet, and assault. Gangs might
ight with other gangs or other groups o
people. Many gang members oten end
up in jailor worse.
Guys might join gangs to eel
secure and popular. You might eel that
joining a gang will help you stay sae. It
may be tempting to join a gang i your
amily isnt involved in your lie or i
you wish you had more riends. Maybe
you live in a poorer part o the city or
youre not doing well in school, and you
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Guys might join gangs tofeel secure and popular.You might feel that joining agang wil l help you stay safe.
think this will be a way to make you eel better about
yoursel. But gangs are dangerous and can lead you
down the wrong path.
In some neighborhoods, though, it seems like
everyone is in a gangmaybe even someone in your
own amily. You may
eel pressure to go into
the amily business.
Or maybe you live in a
part o the city that has
so many gangs it could
be dangerous i you didnt join one. I a guy grows
up in an area with a lot o gang activity, he may not
even think joining a gang is a choice. Michael ound
himsel in this situation.
Bye, Michael, have a good day, ina said as
she climbed into the bus.
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Bye, ina. See you later, he said.
Each day beore he walked to school, Michael
stayed at the bus stop with his little sister, ina, to
make sure she got saely on the bus. heir mom
worked two jobs, and she was already at her irst one
beore Michael or ina woke up in the morning.
Michael would never let his sister wait alone outside
their apartment, so he had to wait with her.
Michael and his amily lived in a large, busy
city. he area was pretty run-down, and it had more
than its share o gang activity. Gun shots and police
or ambulance sirens could oten be heard at night.
Michaels mom oten shut their apartment windows
to drown out the sound.
As Michael walked to school that morning, he
thought about his neighborhood and his initiation
Why do you think Michael has to wait withhis sister? What do you think could happen
if he didnt? What do you think goes through Michael smind when he hears the sirens each night?Why do you think his mom tries to drown outtheir sound?
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that night. He had to use two hands to count the
number o times hed been approached by gang
members. Although he tried to keep his cool, each
time they talked to him he elt a sinking eeling in hisgut and his heartbeat raced. he threats to him and
his sister were getting to be too much. He saw what
happened to guys who didnt join up. It wasnt pretty.
In the hallway at school, Michael ran into Sam.
You ready or tonight? Sam asked him.
Yeah, man, Im ready. Ill see you at 10. Youstill cant tell me whats going on? Michael asked.
No, youll ind out soon enough.
As Michael walked into class, he thought about
Sams last comment. Why did he need to wear all
black? o rob someplace? He didnt think thatd be
that bad. He knew initiations could be much worse.Sam was initiated last month by being beaten. He
almost had to go to the hospital, and the last o his
cuts and bruises were still noticeable.
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At 10:00 oclock that night, Michael met some
o the members o Sams gang in an abandonedparking lot. His palms were sweating as he walked up
to them.
Croz, one o the leaders, spoke irst. He told
Michael the gangs initiations were meant to weed
out the guys who werent tough enough to make it in.
Each member protected the others, and they had tobe sure he was willing to do anything or them.
Do you know what blood in, blood out is?
the leader asked.
Ive heard o it, Michael said.
Well, its pretty simple. o get in, bloods gotta
spill. Either your own or someone elses. Youre lucky,cuz tonight its someone elses.
Why is Michael joi ning a gang? What wouldyou do in his situation?
Why cant Michael just igno re the gangmembers and do his own thing? Do you thinkhes thought about that? If so, what do you
think his conclusion was? Have you ever known someone who joined agang? Why do you think he joined?
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He told Michael that a rival gang was
encroaching on their territory, and that they needed
to be taught a lesson. Michael was the one who
would do it. His initiation was to stab one o the rival
gangs members.
You ready? the gang leader asked.
I Michael did this, hed be in. Hed have
protection or himsel and his sister. But would he
get caught? What would happen then? And he had
to stab this guy. He might kill him. But i he didnt
stab the guy, Sams gang would beat him badlyhed
heard the storiesand probably be out or him in the
uture. Hed be unprotected.
Michael hesitated, and then he answered.
What do you think Michaels answer wil lbe? If you were in his posit ion, what wouldyou do?
Can Michael get out of this situationwithout joining the gang? If so, how? Doyou think hed have to worry about hissafety afterward?
Have you ever been in a situation l ike
Michaels? Have you ever had to make ahard decision that could end negativelyeither way? How did you decide?
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Good luck!Ryan
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Haber, Joel David. Bullyproof Your Child for Life: Protect
Your Child from Teasing, Taunting, and Bullying forGood. New York: Perigee, 2007.
Marcus, Dave. What It Takes to Pull Me Through: Why
Teenagers Get in TroubleAnd How Four of Them GotOut. Boston, MA: Houghton Milin, 2005.
Sheras, Peter L. Your Child: Bully or Victim? Understandingand Ending Schoolyard Tyranny. New York: Fireside,2002.
Clment, Claude, and Melissa Daly. Dont Be Shy: How
to Fit In, Make Friends, and Have FunEven If YouWerent Born Outgoing. New York: Amulet, 2005.
Desetta, Al, ed. The Courage to Be Yourself: True Stories byTeens About Cliques, Conflicts, and Overcoming PeerPressure. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit, 2005.
Humphrey, Sandra McLeod. Hot Issues, Cool Choices:Facing Bullies, Peer Pressure, Popularity and Put-downs.Amherst, NY:Prometheus, 2007.
o learn more about dealing with riends and enemies,visit ABDO Publishing Company online at
www.abdopublishing.com. Web sites about dealingwith riends and enemies are eatured on our Book Linkspage. hese links are routinely monitored and updated toprovide the most current inormation available.
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For more inormation on this subject, contact or visit theollowing organizations:
Big Brothers Big Sisters of America230 North 13th Street
Philadelphia, PA 19107215-567-7000www.bbbs.orgVolunteers are connected to youth ages 6 to 18 to create amentoring relationship in which all kinds o activities canhappen.
Boy Scouts of America
www.scouting.orgBoy Scouts o America provides a program oryoung people to build character, get trained in theresponsibilities o participating citizenship, and developpersonal itness.
National Center for Bullying PreventionPACER Center, Inc.8161 Normandale BoulevardBloomington, MN 55437888-248-0822www.pacerkidsagainstbullying.orghe center provides inormation about how to counterand deal with bullying.
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o desert or leave somebody alone who you used tocare about.
Feeling apart and dierent rom people around you.
Feeling nervous and hyper.
A tight bond between guys who are similar to eachother, almost as though they are really brothers.
A tight group o riends who oten exclude othersrom their group.
he ability to control your actions even under toughcircumstances.
Control and power over somebody else.
Emotional circumstances; commotion betweenpeople.
o prevent somebody rom joining in.
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A quirky trend or style that usually does not last long.
Embarrassed to an extreme level.
Able to be inluenced by others; vulnerable.
Standing by your riends and amily, even in toughsituations.
Grown up; acting more like an adult than a kid.
A period o time when a person acts in a way that isunlike them.
o conirm; endorse somebody elses ideas.
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adjusting, 13, 18aggression, 38, 46avoidance, 13, 18, 19, 78, 80, 84, 104, 105
bullying, 18, 4047bystander, 4345, 104
victim, 3039, 47, 104
class clown, 4857clothes, 42, 66, 67, 74cultural diferences, 8493, 105culture, 85, 87, 90, 91, 9293
depression, 18, 38discipline, 70, 108
embarrassment, 20, 27, 30, 31, 62, 87, 88, 92, 109extracurricular activities, 10, 82
ad, 9, 59, 60, 61, 67, 104amily, 10, 29, 40, 68, 77, 84, 85, 92, 93, 9496, 99,
100,ear, 18, 39, 45, 82, 83
gangs, 94101, 105gossip, 20, 27
humiliation, 30, 31, 34, 43, 109
identity, 5859, 66, 67insecurity, 18, 46
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labels, 9, 50, 5867language, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90
body, 46, 47leaving riends, 6875loner, 8, 1019, 104loyalty, 101, 102103, 105, 109
making riends, 11, 1819, 74, 82, 101
new kid, 8, 68, 7083
parents, 18, 19, 29, 34, 3536, 38, 40, 47, 49, 53,6062, 67, 68, 69, 74, 95
personality, 29, 66,popularity, 2029
schoolhomework, 42new, 11, 13, 17, 27, 68, 6970, 73, 77, 86, 87principal, 36, 37,teacher, 12, 18, 3435, 42, 50, 51, 53, 54, 56, 68, 69,
70, 88sel-esteem, 43style, 58, 59, 63, 66, 67support, 68, 74
teasing, 32, 33, 34territoriality, 100
trend, 59, 60, 66, 104, 109
validation, 74, 109violence, 94, 100
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Ryan Basen is a writer and journalism proessor livingin Charlotte, North Carolina. A ormer newspaper andmagazine reporter, Ryan has also written books aboutNBA and NASCAR stars and sports issues. He earnedawards rom the North Carolina Press Association andAssociated Press Sports Editors or work he did as areporter with The Charlotte Observernewspaper in 2007and 2008.
iStockphoto, cover, 3, 71, 97; James Pauls/iStockphoto,
12; Alan Crosthwaite/iStockphoto, 16; Lori Sparkia/iStockphoto, 22; Duncan Walker/iStockphoto, 25; SkipOdonnell/iStockphoto, 26; Chris Schmidt/iStockphoto,32; Cat London/iStockphoto, 34; Patrick Herrera/iStockphoto, 36; Arthur Kwiatkowski/iStockphoto,41; Matty Symons/iStockphoto, 44; Courtney Navey/iStockphoto, 49; ova eitelbaum/iStockphoto, 50;Julin Rovagnati/iStockphoto 52; Gautier Willaume/