Grief
Management
and Buddhist
Psychotherapy
Prof. Wasantha Priyadarshana
Grief and Modern Grief Counselling
Common emotion
Natural response to loss
Natural emotion
An experience when one is parted from what’s dear
Death of loved ones : main cause of most intense type of grief
Causes of Grief
Death
Relationship breakup
Loss of health
Loss of job
Loss of safety after a trauma
Miscarriage
Illness
Retirement
Complexity of Grief
Intense longing and yearning for the deceased
Intrusive thoughts or images of loved one
Denial of death/sense of disbelief
Illusion that your loved one is still alive
Searching for the deceased in familiar places
Extreme anger or bitterness over loss
Feeling that life is empty or meaningless
Myths about Grief
Starting new life means you have forgotten your loss
Be strong to deal with loss
Grieving will last about a year
Ignoring grief and it will go away faster
If you don’t grieve, you are not sorry about the loss
Grief and Buddhist Psychotherapy
Aims
To understand grief caused by death
To understand grief counselling process based on Buddhist
Psychotherapy
Types of Grief in Buddhism
Soka
Parideva
Domanassa
Upāyāsa
(Sources: Saccavibhangasutta (MN), Dhammacakkapavattanasutta (SN))
Soka
It is the grief, sorrow, sorrowfulness, inward grief, the inner pain of
one visited by some kind of calamity or other, smitten by some kind
of ill or other (Saccavibhangasutta, MN)
Parideva
It is the crying, the wailing, the act of crying, the act of wailing, the
state of crying, the state of wailing of one visited by some calamity
or smitten by some kind of ill or other
Domanassa
It is mental suffering, mental disagreeableness arising from an impingement
on the mind experienced as suffering as disagreeableness
Upāyāsa
It is despondency, despair, the state of despondency, the state of
despair of one visited by some calamity or other, smitted by some
kind of ill or other (Saccavibhangasutta, MN)
Psychology of Grief
Grief: Born of Affection
Four householder, grief, sorrow, suffering, lamentation and despair
are born of affection or originate in affection for children, spouse,
parents, lovers (Piyajātika Sutta, MN)
Grief: Born of Desire
Not getting what one desires, that too is anguish
Desire (lobha)
Grief: Born of Grasping (???)
Grief is the five groups of grasping that one anguish
Saccavibhangasutta – Grasping (upādāna)
Psychology of Grief
Desire (Survival tendency)
Survival Tendency
tanhā (craving)
chanda (impulse)
rāga (Passion)
nandi (Enjoyment)
sineha (love)
pipāsā (thirst)
Psychology of Grief
Desire (tanhā)
Bhavatanhā (craving for self-preservation)
Self, continuity, personal immortality, self-assertation, self-display, self-
respect
Vibhavatanhā (craving for annihilation)
Moha (fundamental misknowledge)
Vipallāsa (distortion of view)
Grief Disorders: Part 1
From Piyajātika Sutta
Cases
1. Father whose son died – No desire to work, eat, keeps going everyday to
the cemetery crying out “where have you done my little one”
2. Daughter whose mother died – Since her passing away (the mother), she
(the daughter) unbalanced and unhinged, went from street to street, from
crossroad to crossroad, crying, “Have you not seen my mother? Have you
not seen my mother?”
Grief Disorders: Part 1
Cases
3. A certain woman went to her relation’s family. Those relations of hers having
forcibly taken her from her husband, desired to give her to another, but she
did not want him.
Then, the woman spoke thus to her husband, “Those relations of mine,
master, having forcibly taken me from you, want to give me to another, but I
do not want him.” Then that man, having cut that woman in two, thinking “we
will both come to be hereafter destroyed himself.”
Grief Disorders: Part 1
From Sokasallaharanasutta (AN)
Cases
4. Bhaddā, the dear and beloved Rūni of Rāja Muṇḍa died, and because of
the loss of his dear Rūni Bhaddā, he neither bathed nor anointed himself nor,
partook of any good, nor concerned himself with nay affairs, by day and night
clung in grief to her body as tho.ugh a swoon.
Grief Disorders: Part 2
Case
Friend, Piyaka, place the body of Rūni in an oil vessel made of iron
and cover it over with another iron vessel so that we shall see her body longer
Grief Disorders: Part 2
One who has strong desire in his character experiences the
perpetual suffering and dejection that are born of desire (AN II 149)
Grief Disorders
He who is overwhelmed by desire plans his harm and others’, and
the harm of both, he performs immoral acts in deeds, words andthought. He cannot understand, as it really is, his own profit, that of
others, or that of both desire is the cause of blindness, of not seeing,
of not knowing, of loss of understanding It is associated with trouble
and not lead to nibbāna
Effects of Grief
Effects are on several levels:
Behavorial domain (verbal and physical functions)
Emotional domain
Cognitive domain
Spiritual domain
Behavorial Patterns
Disturbed sleep
Social withdrawals
Crying
Neurotic responses to old possession
Absent-mindedness
Searching out, calling out
Restless overactivity
Grief: Physical Reactions
Fatigue
Nausea
Lower Immunity
Weight Loss
Weight Gain
Aches and Pain
Insomnia
Tightness in chest
Tightness in throat
Hollow feeling in stomach
Grief: Emotional Reactions
Sadness
Anger
Guilt
Anxiety
Loneliness
Shock
Fear
Grief: Cognitive Reactions
Depression
Obsessions
Confession vipallāsa (distortions), perceptions, thoughts, views
Hallucination
Disbelief
Dhammatherapy (dhammapatikāra)
In Pali suttas, Buddha has been described as
Bhisakko (peerless physician)
Sallakatto (supreme surgery)
Bhisakko For counselling
Sallakutto For Psychotherapy
Buddhism and Counselling
Counselling : For less disturbed people, and deals with conscious
problems regarding single issue focus
Thorne, P. Psychotherapy and Counselling: The Quest for Difference (224)
Buddhist Counselling
Client (Tissa)“Friends, it is as if my body is dragged. I’ve lost my bearings. Things aren’t clear to me, my mind keeps being overwhelmed by sloth and torpor. I lead the holy life dissatisfied. I have uncertainty about the teaching.’’
BuddhaRejoice, Tissa, Rejoice, Tissa. I am here to advise you (ovādena), I have to assist you (anugyahena), I am here to instruct you (anusāsāniyāti)(Tissa Sutta, SN)
Buddhist Counselling & Personality Types
PersonalityMental
TendencyHumours Treatment Focus
Rāga Desire Phlegm Ten unpleasant objects (asubhā-s) and
mindfulness of body
Dosa Hatred Bile Four sublime abodes (brahmavihāras) and four vaṇṇakasinā-s
Moha Delusion Air Mindfulness on in-and-out-breathing
Saddhā Desire Phlegm Six kinds of recollection (anussati)’
Recollection of Buddha, doctrines, his
noble disciples morally and liberalizing
Buddhi Hatred Bile Recollection of death
Recollection of peace of nibbana
Analysis of four elements
Vitakka Delusion Air Mindfulness on in-and-out breathing
Buddhism and
Psychotherapy
Sallakatta (Great Psychotherapist)
Psychotherapy: For more disturbed who exhibit less apparent
constellations of problems
- Thorne, P. Psychotherapy and Counselling: The Quest for Difference (244-248)
Buddhist Psychotherapy
Surgery Psychotherapy
Wound Six internal sense media (abnormal
behaviours and psychological problems)
Poison Ignorance (lack of awareness of problems
and their causes)
Arrow Craving (proximate cause)
Probe Mindfulness
Knife Noble Discernment
Surgeon Psychotherapist (Buddha)
Therapeutic Foundation
Past Future
Present
Application
Skills and Ethics
Listening (sutā)
Retention (dhatā)
Memorizing (vacasāparicitā)
Visualizing (manasānupekkitā)
Comprehension (cittiyasuppatividdhā)
Noble Catharsis (Ariyavirecanna)
Feelings (vedanā)
Perception (saññā)
Reflection (vitakka)
Disposition (saṅkhāra)
Proliferation (papañca)
Consciousness (viññānam)
Meditation
Behaviouraltransformation (sila)
Mental development (samādhi)
Cognitive transformation (vipassanā)
(sampajannamanosamkhāra / asampajannamanosamkhāra)
Noble Vomitting (ariyavaman)
Noble Purgatory (ariyavirecana)
Let the client cry
Client should be given enough time in counselling session to purge emotions (Maṭṭakundati Jataka Story)
Spiritual Transformation
Concepts Sources
Kamma
Tirokuḍḍa
Vimānavatthu
Petavatthu
Jataka StoriesCullakammavibhaṅga Sutta
Mahākammavibhaṅga Sutta
Punabbhava
Puñña
Pāpa
Petu (departed)
Deva (gods)
Kammatherapy
Beings are owners of kamma, heirs to kamma, born in kamma, bound by kamma, have kamma as their refuge. It is kamma that
differentiates beings
- Cullakammavibhaṅga Sutta, The Discourse of the Lesser Analysis of Kamma
Kammatherapy
Kamma Results
Bad Kamma Bad Results
Good Kamma Good Results
Bad Kamma Good Results
Good Kamma Bad Results
Mahākammavibhaṅga Sutta (The Discourse of the Greater Analysis of Kamma) - --
Punabhava (Re-becoming)
Disengagement and New Life
The Griever
The departed
RebecomingNew Life
Atta
ch
me
nt
Lady Ubbari’s Tears
Buddha: Why are you crying?
Lady Ubbari: I am crying for my daughter, sir.
The Buddha: In this cemetery, 84,000 daughters of yours have
been burnt. For which one are you crying?
Question: Should Lady Ubbari’s attachment to daughter be stopped?
Visāka’s Tears
The Buddha: Why are you here at unseasonable time with hand
and hair wet (with tears)?
Visāka: Sire, my dearly loved grandson is dead.
The Buddha: Are there sons and grandsons in proportion to the
number of men in this Sāvatthi?
Visāka: Yes sire.
The Buddha: And how many men of this Sāvatthi die daily?
Visāka: Sometimes 10, sometimes 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 dying
in Sāvatthi, there is no lack, sire.
Visāka’s Tears
Buddha: What do you think, have you found at anytime or anywhere,men whose garments have been unwetted (by tears), whosehair has been unwetted (by tears)
Visāka: Not so, sire, how is that possible with so many sons andgrandsons?
Buddha: Those, Visāka, who have a hundred dear ones, have a hundredsorrows. Those who have ninety, ninety sorrow… Those whohave one dear, one sorrow… Those who have no dear ones, forthem there is no sorrow.
No dears, No sorrow!
Attachment to Deceased
Transference of Merits
Sources about the departed
Patavatthupāli (Stories of the departed)
Vimanavatthupāli (Stories of the Mansions)
Tirokudda (The Discourse of the onsire the wall)
Jataka Stories
The Deceased as Petas (Hungry Ghosts)
Petas in one of five destinies
Petas as Pa + √ i (to go) meaning “gone”, “past”, “gone before”
Monk: Your body is very smelly. You are surrounded by flies. You
standing there, who are you?
Peta: I am a departed one. I have done an evil deed as a human and have been reborn in the world of ghosts.
- Petavatthupāli
Grieving: Does not Help the Departed
Weeping, sorrow and lamentation will not benefit departed relatives in any way. They will remain in the ghost world no matter
how much we cry.
- Petavatthupāli
Transference of Merits
(Spiritual Transformation)
“I cannot receive what is given by your hand directly to mine. Butwithin your group there is a lay follower of the supreme Buddha who
is very faithful towards him and his teaching. Offer him the cloak
and share the merits with me. Then I will be happy and have all the
comforts.”
Transference of Merits
(Spiritual Transformation)
Just as water falling on highlands reaches down to the lowlands
even so what is given here accrues to the departed ones
Just as swollen rivers fill the ocean full even so what is given here
accrues to the departed ones
- Tirokuḍḍa Sutta
Cognitive Transformation
Mindfulness of death (maranānussati)
Case of a father who practises mindfulness on death at son’s funeral
One day while he was working with his son in the field, the latter was stung
by a snake and died on the spot. The father was not one bit perturbed. He
just carried the body to the foot of a tree, covered it with a cloak, neither
weeping nor lamenting and resumed his plowing unconcerned.
Cognitive Transformation
Later he sent word home, through a passer-by, to bring one parcel of food
instead of two for the midday meal, and to come with perfumes and
flowers. When the message was received, his wife knew what it meant, but
she too did not give way to expressions of grief. Neither did her daughter
nor her daughter-in-law nor the maid servant. As requested they all went
with perfumes and flowers to the field, and a most simple cremation took
place, with no weeping.
Cognitive Transformation
Sakka, the chief of gods, came down to earth and proceeding to
the place where a body was burning upon a pile of firewood,inquires from those standing around whether they were roasting the
flesh of some animal when they replied, “It is no enemy but our own
son”. Then he could not have been a son dear to you,” said Sakka.
“He was very dear son,” replied the father. “Then,” asked Sakka,
“why do you not weep?”
Cognitive Transformation
Here are replies of family members:
Father
“Man quits his moral frame, when joy in life is past. Even as a snake is won its worn out slough to cast.
No friend’s lament can touch the ashes of the dead.
Why should I grieve? He fares the way he had to tread.”
Mother“Uncalled he hither came, unbidden soon to go.
Even as he came he went, what cause is here for woe? No friends’ lament can touch the ashes of the dead.
Why should I grieve? He fares the way he had to tread.
Cognitive Transformation
Sister“Though I should fast and weep, how would it profit me?
My Kith and Kin alas would more unhappy be.
No friends, lament can touch the ashes of the dead.
Why should I grieve? He fares the way he had to tread.”
Wife
“As children cry in vain to grasp the moon above
So mortals idly mourn the loss of those they love.No friends’ lament can touch the ashes of the dead
Why should I grieve? He fares the way he had to tread.’’
Cognitive Transformation(con’t)
Maid
“A broken pot of earth, ah who can piece again?
So too, to mourn the dead in mough but labor vain
Oh friends, lament can touch the ashes of the dead.
Why should I grieve? He fares the way he had to tread
Cognitive Transformation
From Maṭṭa-kundali Jataka Story
Father:
“From the time of his son’s death, the brahmin would go to the
cemetery and make his moan, walking around the heap of ashes and
leaving undone all his duties.”
“The brahmin heard the sound and looked, and full of the love which
he bore his son, stop before him, saying, “My son, dear lad, why do
you stand mourning in the midst of this cemetery?”
Cognitive Transformation
The questions he asked his son are in the following stanza:
Father“Why in the woodland art thou standing here
Begarlanded, with earrings in each earFragrant of sandal, holding out thy hands?
What sorrow makes the drop the falling tear?
The youth
“Made of fine gold and shining brilliantly
My chariot is, wherein I use to lie:
For this a pair of wheels I cannot findTherefore I grieve so sore that I must die”
Cognitive Transformation
Brahmin
“Golden, or set with jewels, any kind
Brazen or silver, hat thou hast in mind
Speak but the word, a chariot shall be madeAnd I thereto a pair of wheels will find
The Youth“Brothers up yonder are the moon and Sun
By such a pair of wheels as yonder train
My golden car new radiance hath won”
Cognitive Transformation
Brahmin
“Though art a fool for this that thou hast done
To pray for that which should be craved by none
Methinks, you sir, thou needs must perish soon. For thou will never get or moon or Sun”
The youth“Before our eyes they set and rise
colour and course unfailing
None sees a ghost: then which is
now more foolish in his wailing?”
Brahmin“Of us two mourners, O most sapient youth
I am the greater fool – thou sayest truth
In craving for a spirit from the dead
Like a child crying for the moon, in sooth”
Cognitive Transformation
Thank youLiberation
No Dear
No Pain