Download - Hank Scorpio Cover Letter
Hank Scorpio Attorney & Counselor at Law
15203 Maple Systems Road, Cypress Creek, USA May 19,2014
Undisclosed ''International AmLaw 100 law firm" [email protected] via electronic mail
Re: Labor & Employment Litigation associate Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to be considered as a candidate for your job opening which specifically excludes scorpios. I know we would be a good fit because: 1) I would defend anyone's right to discriminate on the basis of astrological signs; 2) I wish to learn from the best attorneys, who, like artists, have mastered the concepts of rationality and reasonability, but then have thrown those ideas out the window; and 3) I will do anything to work for anyone of the ''International AmLaw 100 law firm[s]," even if I do not know which one you are.
First, I would gladly take up the case of an employer who fired an employee for being a Scorpio (or even those two-‐faced Geminis). We're in America. And in America, employers can discriminate against their employees all they want.1 And it's not like that hypothetical employer was acting arbitrarily and capriciously. Everyone knows that Leos are loyal employees, just as Scorpios are stubborn ones -‐ and probably would create hostile work environments and lead to sexual harassment lawsuits.
Second, I want to learn from the best. Warren Buffett said that you should work for people you admire. I admire your firm for putting out a job ad, telling it how it is, behind a corporate veil of iron courage. I also want to be a litigator who throws out reasonability and rationality out the window, gets what he wants, and doesn't care what others think of him in the process. I admire you, and would not mind one bit putting in the long hours for your firm; besides, I would rather stay indoors in my office at night for fear that a vampire might attack me on my way back home.
And finally, I would do anything to work for your mysterious ''International AmLaw 100 law firm" Being on this list says it all Such ingenuity and bending of ethical rules by melding The Global 100 with The AmLaw 100 into a list that doesn't exist is really just the tip of the iceberg. I can't wait to discover the rest.
Sincerely,
Hank Scorpio
1 With the exceptions of discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, disability, age, a few other protected classes here and there, and in retaliation for complaining about discrimination. But boy did we put up a good fight against those!