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somethingstosharewithyou,maybeyouwillunderstandthis,itcouldhelpinyourownlives:
thesenseofbeingfreecomesoftenfrominside.itisveryraretohavethatafffecteddrastically.insomecases,yes,freedomisseverelylimited,andevenyourmindseemstobetrayyouandhamperyoureffortstoseethesun.butintheordinarylivesofmanyofus,wehaveourchoices.wehavetoseewhatisreallythere.
sometimespeoplelashoutwhentheyareinpain.sometimestheysaythingswhentheyarehurt,orfeelhopelessorconfused.sometimesitisnotevenaboutus.asiwritethis,ithinkofaspecificsituation,andseekunderstandingformyself..butihavetoalsoapplythistothepeopleinmyownlife.whenothersdothis,doimisunderstand?doifeelthatiamresponsible?doifeelguiltyorsohurtthateventhesmallesttracesofaffectionaregone?
thishasbeendonetoallofusatdifferenttimes.andyoumaystruggletotellpeople,butitisntwhatyouthink.iamnotwhatyouarethinking.iamnotyourproblem,oryourburden,andidonttrytotakeyourlifeaway.notthereasonwhyigetlikethat.sometimeswhatisinsideisiswoundedandveryfragile,verysick,orveryempty.andwedontknowhowtohandleit.
ifiseekforgivenessorcomfortorunderstandingformyself,ihavetoseekitforothers.thismustbeanimperativewithme.becausewhenithinkthatis
whatiaminclinedtodo.iextendthethinkingtoothers."Wellmaybeitistrueforthem.maybethisishowothersfeel"evenififeelselfishinmyownpainorwhatever,andiholdontoit,anddontwanttoseeotherswhohavehurtmeinthesamewayiseemyself-mykindofthinkingdemandsthatiatleastrecognizethepossibilityhere.
howijudgemyselforwanttobethoughtof-imustdoforothers-oratleastmaketheattempt.
butfirstyourownpersonalpainneedstobetakencareof.Thatcanbeincendiaryandyoucannothearorseeotherswhenthishappens.theythinkyouaretheworstthingthateverhappenedtothemandyouarecryingorscreaminginside,butineverwantedthat.ijustwantedpeace.ijustwantedtobeforgiven.
yourfeelingscanbeverycomplicated,andnothavemuchatalltodowiththesituationthatothersviewincorrectlyastheproblem
longhistories-longstories-memories,feelings,wishes,brokenpieces,noteasytoexplainthatyoujustwanttohavethatpeace,thatfreedom,soyoucangrantotherstheirown.
whenyouaredepressed,orbrokeninside,orlost,oryouhavebeenhurtinwaysyouneverimaginedyoucouldbe,youneedtobeallowedtherighttofeelthings.inprivate.byyourself.nojudgments,nocomments,nobodyfeelingguilty.peoplecantakeyourfeelingsandgivethemameaningtheywereneverintendedtohave.
somebodycanbealikeastopgap,adamorabridge,allowingyoutoholdbackthefloods,allowingyoutocrossovertherapids.agift,apersonlikethis,agift.andyoumayfindyourselflovingthemmorethanyoucansay.orshow.youmayfindyourselfwishingyoucouldfeelmorethanyoueverthoughtyoursmallheartcouldcontain.
butthenagain,whotoldyouyourheartwassosmall?didpeopleevermakeyoufeellikethat?thendonteverlisten.becausetheydontknowyou.ihavebeentoldthingslikethatforalonglongtime,andihavetoldmyselfthingslike
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that,andihavetoldothersthatinmypain.sothatshitneedstostop.becausewhoreallyknowsusthatdeeply?noteventhemostsophisticatedamazingnanotechnologycanreachasoulorahigherlevelthatknowsnowords,nothoughts.
peoplerevealthemselvesintheirwords,choices,actions.ofcoursetheydo.butthatcannotbetheendofyourbeing.thatmustonlybethesurface.onlypeopleseelikethis.theyhaveto,theyarehereonearth,andallofusonearthjustseesomuch.wecanonlyseesofar.
ifyouhaveeverfeltlikedying,ifyouhaveeverfeltlikegivingup,lyingdown,neverwaking,dontfeelbadaboutthat.itmaybeahumanwaytofeel,notthebestway,butveryhumanattimes.keeptrying.keepthinkingyouarelikeasoldier,likeahero.becauseyoucanbeinyourownway.weallcanbe.
haveyourfeelings,dwellinthem-abookionceread-DarkNightoftheSoul-byThomasMore-advisedustoalloweverything,tostaywitheverything,nomatterhowbad.dontpushthesefeelingsaway,dontbeashamedididntliketheadvice,butnowiseethevalue.
butidontwantOTHERStobeashamed,topushthefeelingsormeaway,orsay,youareapain,youwantsomethingfromme.no.justtellthem,itisjustme.somanyfeelingsihave,somuchpainoranger,thatmaynotbeaboutyou.ifyoureallyknowthis,ifyoureallyarebeinghonest,thentheywillhavetolis
ten
whoamItotakepeople'sfreedomaway,theirchoices,theirlove?ifieverspeakillorboldlyorangrilyinthatrespect,ifieverstepontoesoroverboundaries,itisbecausesomethinghashappenedthatstillbothersmerelatedtothesituation.somethingmaybetherethatiseethattheycannotsee.orwillnot.andmaybewhatiseeisjustasvital,ifnotmoreso,justasimportant,asanyoneelse'swordsorvisionswilleverbe.
ask,whydoyousaythings?whydoyougetangry?ifyouthinkyouhavetherightreasons,andyoucantellpeoplethem,thenpleasedoso
youmightnotevergetbetter,butyouwillgetstronger.
yourwordsneedtobeheard.somebodymightneedtohearthem.dontbeashamed.
ifyouthinkyoucanmatterinthisworld,ortoanotherperson,thenshowtheworld.showthem.dontholdback
youmaynotbetakingawaylovefromthemorfreedom.ratheryoumaybetryingtomakethemunderstandwhathasbeentakenfromyou.admittedlynotinthebestway.
listen,youcanloveapersonallyouwant,somethingsdonteverchange.loveissubjective,lovecanbedeafdumbandblindaswell.butjustbecausethati
strue,itdoesntwipeouttherealityofsomethings.itdoesntautomaticallywipeoutresponsibility,orwhatisrightandwhatiswrong.aslongastheyrespectthat.
trueformetoo.
lovecomesdisguisedasacrazyperson-areject-apersonnoonewantstohear.apersonnoonelikes.ifeellikei,Angela,havebeenthatperson,becauseilikewhatihavetosaysometimes.ilikethewayiseethings.sharp,butnotviciousunlessihavetobe.clear,butalsosentimentalenough,andguilty
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enough,andvulnerableenough,tocloudmyclarity.
ilikethatispeakmymind,ispeakitwell.myemotionaldistressandturmoil,haveoftenmademelashoutandbeunsparinginmychoiceofwords.butyouhavetoputthisinthecontextofanongoingveryunhealthystrangesituationthathasthepotentialtodevastateoratleastseriouslyconfoundonmanylevels.
eitherway,irealizethiswouldbeangelofachild,wholongedtobeloveableandsweet,mayhaveasharptongueandasharpmindattimes,alongwithatemper,thatmaysaywhatneedstoberevealed.thatmayfinallybegettingheard
ifieverwanttoleaveandrestinGod'sarmsforever-letme.ifieverfeeldarkanduglyandbrutal-letme.ifieverpushpeopleawayorgetawfulandcrabbywiththem-letme.ifeeltheawfuleffectsofcruelty-subtle,butalsoobvious-iseeitaroundme-howeventhebestpeople,themostnormalones-canbeblindandalmostheartless.andhereiam,tryingtodealwithmyowncruelty.myownheartlessness,myownblindness,myownlackofemotion.andsoitremainsallaround.lovecantbreakthrough,nothingseemstohelp.youfeeltheoverwhelmingneedforpower,control,overyourownlife,overcircumstances,overeverything,becauseyouknowwhatitfeelsliketohavevirtuallynone.andyoufeeltherage,thetotalenvelopingdarknessandblindness,actually,ofknowingyoucannothavethat.youwillnothavethat.anditbecomesallconsuming.onedefinitionofhell.
Youstartoutoneway,andthenlookback.howdidthingsgetsobad?ohslowly.veryslowly.withintentionsthatwerenotatalldevious.whenpeoplespeaktoomuchnegativeaboutyou,tellthem,asIdid,speakthepositive.therewaspositive.thereisevennow.
youjusthavetopayattentiontoit.
ififeelistillhavelifeorhopeorvalue-iwillnotgiveuptryingtoletyouknoworsee.anyofyou.ithinkiambetterinsomeways,worseinothers.now.butthereinliesmygift.howdoishowit?howdoipolishitup?theworstmayevenbepartofthebestdowntheline.
dontbelieveeverythingpeoplesay.ifyouneedtoknow,gotothesource.toa
personwhodoesnotlieeasilyorwell.youwillgettheanswersyouneed.asktheonetheyareputtingdown.asktheonetheyarecallingnames.seewhattheyhavetosay.andthenknowyoudonthavetoknow.noonedoes.itistheirlifeandtheyneedtoliveitwithoutinterference.aslongasyouknow,youarefreetoaskornot
iamproudernow,iholdmyheadup,strangelyenough.butiamalsomoreawareofmuchthatcanbeconsideredshameful.yetitwillnotkillme.notthat.ifigotomygrave,itwillnotbeforwhatotherscalledshameful.butiamveryawareofhumiliationthewayothersseeit,andseeme.
veryfewthingscanredeemapersonwhoissobroken,orhasbeendamaged,ordraggedthroughaprocessofsorts.iknowofonlyafewthings.Godwilling,th
eywillbemine.andmyredemptionwillbeathand
first,though,hehastobewilling
thanksforreadingthislonglongessay.ilikeitverymuch,wroteitoffthetopofmyheadbeforesigningoff.verysleepy,butimaynotbeabletosleep.
iwillwritemoreinthefuture!
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