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Lifetime Issues for Global
Nomads
Marion Knell
Family Cross-cultural Consultant
Denmark
October 2014
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Issues for MKs
Identity
Home/Roots
Relationships
Mobility
Choice and control
Trust
Continuity
Re-entry
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Identity
Personal identity is often
viewed as referring to a sense
of sameness or permanence
whilst negotiating change and
diversity (Ching, 1995)
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Identity
A Cultural Biography
• Where were my parents born?
• Where was I born?
• Where was my first school?
• When did I first learn a second language?
• What language do I think in?
• What do I like best about the place I live?
• What do I like about my passport country?
• Where do I feel most comfortable – on my
own or with lots of people
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Identity
“It is impossible for returnees to make
behavioural adjustments without it
impacting their identity”
Hayashi and Uno (1999)
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TCKs – Where is ‘Home’?
I don’t know
It’s too difficult
Heaven
Wherever my parents are living
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Home and Roots
“We must always be letting go what we
have acquired, and acquiring what we do
not possess, leaving one place in order
to find another, abandoning one support
in order to reach another, turning our
backs on the past to thrust
wholeheartedly towards the future.”
Paul Tournier
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TCKs – Where is ‘Home’?
Roots are in Relationships
• Primary responsibility of parents is to
nourish their relationship
What happens when that relationship is
deficient?
How do you give rootless TCKs a
sense of belonging in a sea of change?
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TCKs
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Mobility
“I just got bored seeing the same face,
shopping at the same supermarket, going
to the same Post Office. I need that
stimulus to experience fresh air and new
neighbourhoods. It was almost like an
addiction.”
Nora Kohri (AW 2004)
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Reasons for Mobility
Learned behaviour
Desire to experience the world
Never feeling at home
Enjoying adventure
Visiting other TCKs
Escaping the past
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Consequences of Mobility
Failure to learn conflict-resolution skills
• “With a built-in relational cycle, there is a
temptation to simply leave a problem
without resolving it”
Reluctance to make lasting
commitments
• “With the importance of people rather than
place, this baggage gets carried on to the
new location and may re-emerge and
impact the development of new
relationships” (Eakin1999)
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Mobility
Reflection:
• Where have my parents lived since I was
born?
• How many moves have I made? Why?
• How old was I when we moved?
• How many languages have I used? For
how long?
• Where have a spent the longest single
period of my life?
• How do I handle moves?
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Relationships
“Even as an adult, I was always mentally
steeling myself for the next move. So I
didn’t invest too deeply in relationships.
After all, who knew if I would be around?”
Deborah Kartheiser (AW 2004)
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Relationships
Reflection:
• How many close relationships have I had?
How long did they last?
Do I trust other people?
• Who has met my needs?
• How do I end friendships?
• Do I need to be in control?
• Am I afraid of commitment?
• How do I feel about physical expressions of
affection?
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Relationships
“Real relationships are a lot of work and
very messy! At least when you are
sticking them out for the long haul.”
Deborah Kartheiser (AW 2004)
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Levels of Friendship
Superficial level: small talk
‘Still safe’ level: exchange of no risk
facts
Judgemental level: giving opinions
which friends might disagree with
Emotional level: sharing feelings about
ourselves and others
Disclosure level: revealing our most
private thoughts and feelings - intimacy
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Relationships
“TCKs frequently rush into relationships
and share things at a deep level (because
there isn’t much time before the
‘goodbye’ comes).
At the same time, we don’t let our hearts
really need them. We share but we don’t
risk needing. If you’re going to break this
negative cycle, you will have to begin by
letting yourself need somebody”
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Relationships
“If the TCK feels that their mate does not
appreciate their unique experience, or
encourage the expression of their
emotions, or accept them deeply in spite
of their ‘strangeness’, then the marriage
will struggle and may not flourish.”
Matt Neigh (AW 2004)
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Relationships
Marriage a cure for abandonment
Marriage a cure for homesickness
Independence in enmeshed families
Rescuers’ and problem solvers
rescuing by marriage
Inter-cultural marriage
Adapting
Singleness
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Choice and Control
“As TCKs we frequently find ourselves in situations that are the result of someone else’s decision. So often other individuals have made the decision … individuals we can’t even see. If you grew up in the military, it may have been the generals; if it was in the diplomatic corps, it was some person in an office somewhere. If it grew up in an international business like IBM (I have Been Moved) it was the CEO in some huge corner office. If your parents were Christians, it was one step higher – God.”
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Choice and Control
Authority figures in the TCK’s life:
Parents
Company
School
Church
Dorm parents
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Choice and Control
“If I decided what I really want and start
to go after it, something will happen to
stop me. If I want something badly
enough and God finds out, he will just
take it away from me. It’s no use
planning my own future; I’ll just go with
the flow of whatever happens.”
Deborah Kartheiser (AW 2004)
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Choice and Control
Reflection:
• Do I feel manipulated?
• What are my education options, long-term?
• Have I been involved in family discussions
on the future?
• What am I good at?
• Have I ever felt discounted as an
individual?
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Trust
You have a need, you express that
need
The need does not get fully met – the
person is too busy or goes away
You learn not to trust anyone
You become good at meeting your own
needs
You only ever form superficial
relationships
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Trust
To break the cycle you have to begin by
letting yourself need someone
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Human needs – a Biblical
reflection
A place to be understood/known 1 Cor. 13:12
A place to belong: Matt. 8:20
A place to express full range of emotions: Heb. 4:15
A place to create: Gen. 2:19 (physically and intellectually)
A place to explore new ideas and think without shame: Is. 55:8-9
A place to make choices: Josh. 24:15
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Continuity
Communication
Base Culture
Home Leave
Rituals and routines
Sacred objects
Education
Extended family
Life story books
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Re-entry
Factors affecting Re-Entry:
Personality of Individual
Age
Previous experience of moving
Reasons for leaving
Cultural background
Attitude of parents
Economic diversity
Schooling
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Human needs
A place to explore the mysteries of life and faith: Ps. 77:12; Ps. 119:15
A way to exercise mind and body
An awareness that all of the pieces of my life work together into one unified whole: Eph. 2:10
Sense of significance: John 15:16
Ways to develop strengths, to be successful: Rom. 12:6
Uniqueness – no-one is the same: Matt. 10:30; Ps. 139:13; Eph. 2:10
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Issues for Teens
Being invisible
Being highly visible
Not belonging
Feeling rootless
Experiencing repeated loses
Injustice and inequity
Hypocrisy
High expectations
Lack of individual affirmation
Being abandoned
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Anger Signals
Cynicism
Critical spirit
Defensiveness
Depression
Chronic negativity
Arrogance
Uncontrolled habits
Brittleness
Over-reaction
Negative response to authority
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“Don’t let your past dictate who
you are; let it become part of who
you will be”
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Lifetime Issues
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Lifetime Issues for Global
Nomads
Marion Knell
Family Cross-cultural Consultant
Denmark
October 2014