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Oil on the Waters: Practical Techniques
for Calming Difficult Library Users
An Infopeople WorkshopSpring/ Summer 2005
Presented by:Edmond Otis, M.S., M.F.T.
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Our Agenda
AWARENESS: Identifying Dangerous Interpersonal Dynamics
ATTITUDE - HOW TO ACT:
Controlling for the “Predator or Prey Reality”
COMMUNICATION: Avoiding the “Head in the Sand Syndrome”
TRAINING: Practice Makes Perfect—Learned Reactions for
Personal Safety
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Our Goal
Reduce your risk of being caught off guard or of being unable to cope with potentially explosive interactions.
Redirect danger and irrationality before it escalates.
Increase your persuasiveness to interrupt and divert the flow of heated emotions, words and events.
Effectively control conflict and facilitate productive resolutions.
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Angry or entitled guests
Vandals Gangsters Mentally ill –
emotionally disturbed Substance abusers
Homeless Entitled parents Non-English speakers Teenagers or small
children Elderly or developmentally
disabled
Who Are We Dealing With?
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GROUP EXERCISE #1
SKILL ASSESSMENT
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The risk of violence is especially great in situations where we are
actively involved in problem solving, negotiating, and/or confronting
angry, agitated and potentially violent library users.
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Know Your tools!
Personal Interpersonal ORGANIZATIONAL!
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The broken window theory…
Don’t wait – act quickly.
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Rule # 1 – It’s Not Personal !
It’s exhausting to try to change people.
Keep your emotional distance.
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JUST OFFER CHOICES!
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AWARENESS: Identifying Dangerous Interpersonal Dynamics
Danger cues – see handout
The “Assault Cycle”
Reacting to the most common types of assault
The motivations for conflict & violence
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Instinct: Trust your intuition!
Human beings are the only only
creatures who override their
intuition.
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You Choose…
1. Apathy
2. The Brush-off
3. Coldness
4. Condescension
5. Robotism
6. The Rulebook
7. The Runaround
1. Empathy
2. Attentiveness
3. Warmth
4. Respect
5. Engaging
6. Flexibility
7. Responsive
Personal or Professional Gas to fire A little baking soda
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The Assault Cycle1. Event Trigger
The event that “justifies” the violent outburst
2. Escalation Psyching up or gaining momentum
3. Crisis Point Violence or violent outburst
4. Recovery Decrease of vigilance (may be temporary)
5. Post-crisis Depression Fatigue, depression or guilt for some
(Smith, 1983)
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…what do you do if?
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Motivators Of Violent Behavior
Fear Frustration Manipulation Intimidation
Watch for the Warning Signs!
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GROUP EXERCISE #2
DON’T PULL THE TRIGGER!
What guest + what behavior = what event trigger
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ATTITUDE: Controlling for the “Predator or Prey Reality”
I’ve got the power!
Projecting a professional, competent attitude to avoid being a target
Using the SELF to gain cooperation and avoid or defuse explosive situations
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The Predator Or Prey Reality
How you project yourself onto the social
environment has a direct impact upon how others
will relate to you ...
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… as do expectations and stereotypes.
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65% of Communication is non-verbal.
The percentage increases as emotions rise.
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Know Your “Attitude” Tools
Body Language Posture, Movements, Gestures & Stances Positioning, Distance, Proximity & Barriers
Space Eye contact Voice Attitude Appearance
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GROUP EXERCISE # 3
Face-to-face“Know Your Tools” – checklist skill practice
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COMMUNICATION: Avoiding the “Head-in-the-Sand Syndrome”
Clear perceptions and non-defensive responses positively impact on our social environment
Verbal communication skills
Verbal formulas for gaining compliance
Control the course of verbal confrontation
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Good communication often depends more on what people hear
than on what they say...
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How To Communicate
1. Listen 2. Watch 3. Listen 4. Talk
5. Continue as needed.
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To Really Communicate You Need To…
Make psychological contact
Be calm - use relaxed breathing
Be empathetic and authentic
Respect people’s feelings, beliefs and emotions - we are concerned with behaviors
Use mimesis make yourself similar
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WHY DO PEOPLE YELL?
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More On How To Communicate
Demonstrate that you hear what is being said
Speak the person’s language
Reflect feelings and facts
Clarify and paraphrase
Ask open-ended questions
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Rule #2
Never ever tell ANYONE to
“CALM DOWN”
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Use the Magic Phrase -
“... I can see that you’re upset.”
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Current behavior = consequences
New behavior = benefits
Use the “Formula For Compliance”
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If your intent is on having them do
something specific – or, “obey you”, then you are too
involved!
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When Dealing with a Group - Follow The Leader!
Respect the rules of the group
When dealing with groups - Negotiate with individuals
Find and follow the leader!
Share a confidence
Separate angry individuals from each other and the crowd
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Triangle The ProblemAllow people to be responsible
for their own actions –
and to make choices
Rule #3You are there to help!
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Passing The Buck (correctly!) … … can help everyone.
1. Walk together to supervisor
2. Repeat the story
3. Hand off to supervisor
4. Leave
You can do the same on the phone…
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TRAINING: Practice Makes Perfect
Maintaining emotional balance and mental focus while under stress
Leaving and/or calling for assistance
Skills: demonstration and practice
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GROUP EXERCISE #4
Face-to-face“Communication Strategies”
skills practice
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Rule # 4
Only say what you mean.
Always mean what you say.
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Have a goal - don’t be emotionally, mentally, or physically passive or arrogant
Trust what your emotions tell you - use them as sensors ...
However, your emotions are not thoughts - don’t be trapped by expectations, hopes or patterns
How To React – Emotional Awareness:
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Rule # 5
It is irrational to rationalize
with someone who is irrational.
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Interacting With the Police
Calling 911 or 9-911 from a facility phone.
Interacting with the dispatcher:What will they ask?
What information is critical?
“Code” words?
Expected police response:Non-emergency versus emergency
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Motivators Of Violent Behavior
Fear Frustration Manipulation Intimidation
Match Your Reaction to the Immediate Problem !
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GROUP EXERCISE #5
Assessment and Response Strategies
Recognize and respond appropriately to difficult people’s motivation and actions
Adapt appropriate response persona (emotional common sense – verbal and non-verbal communication skills)
Respond to remove yourself from danger
If necessary initiate appropriate departmental policy
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DON’T FORGET…
Please fill out an evaluation before you leave.
Thank you, and be safe!