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Resilient Children – Stressful World
• “Do it all”• “Be the best”• Pressure from society vs. influence of parents• Helping children achieve academic success• Become resistant to unhealthy messages• Short-term and long-term strategies
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2010s
• Recession• TARP – Troubled Asset Relief Program• Ballooning national debt, budget deficits• Earthquake, tsunami, damaged nuclear reactors• Tuition increases• Decreasing scholarships• Nastiness of politics
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2000s
• World Trade Center attacked• Al Qaeda• Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan• Katrina• Tsunami in South Asia• Swine flu
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1990s
• HIV/AIDS• Monica Lewinski and impeaching Clinton• Columbine massacre• Rwandan genocide• Oklahoma City bombing• Government shutdown
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1980s
• Iran-Contra hostage crisis
• Challenger disaster
• Chernobyl explosion
• Tiananmen Square
• John Lennon killed
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1970s
• Watergate• President Nixon resigns in disgrace• Anti-war demonstrations• Generation gap • Kent State shootings• Pentagon Papers
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1960s
• Vietnam War• Cuban Missile Crisis• Urban unrest• Assassinations– John F. Kennedy– Robert Kennedy– Martin Luther King
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1950s
• Korean War
• Little Rock Central High School
• McCarthy era - Communists in Congress
• Subjugation of European countries
• Hiding under school desks
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1940s
• Pearl Harbor• World War II• Atomic bombs dropped in Japan• Concentration camps exposed• Many young people enlist or are drafted• 405,000 U.S. dead• 670,000 U.S. wounded
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1930s
• The Great Depression• 25% unemployment rate• No safety net• Took 17 years for stock market to recover• Dust Bowl• Child Labor problems
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Resilience Equals
• What the child learns at:
The times of their mistakes +
The times that they are disappointed______________________________= How resilient the child is as a teenager
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Inevitable part of parenting
• Parents often wish:
• The world was different• Children were rarely unhappy• Children’s behavior would be better than it is
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Using the Inevitability of Stress
• What were children taught to expect?• How much was handed to them?• How much was done for them?• Are today’s children weaker/less resilient?• Are times tougher today?
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How we think about parenting
• Relationship between two people• One parent and one child• Parents are responsible for their half • The bar is very high for us and our half• Can’t blame child for parent reaction to child• Child’s later resilience hinges on:– Honor, journey, teach to the long-term goals– Unrealistic expectations, quick to anger and worry
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Modeling stress management
• Show them how to handle stress
• As you handle stress caused by them• That is how they will know how to handle stress
when they are teenagers• The importance of stalling• Unlearning the ECFE message
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How we think about childhood
• Mistakes are a normal part of childhood
• Best for strengthening the connection
• Uncomfortable times = richest opportunities
• Most important lessons – most uncomfortable times
• Welcome the unwanted parts of childhood.
• Pace of change is slow
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Disappointments
• When the world disappoints your child• Don’t let it go to waste• Inner strength• Resilience• Helps children be realistic about expectations• ACT scores, college applications • Getting cut from a team
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Viewing skills – Staying calm and thoughtful
• Thinking about what is going on• Not just reacting• How may I use this? What can I teach?• Discipline is the easy part• Being kind, forgiving and patient while
disciplining is harder
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External events do not cause internal feelings
• This is at the root of staying calm
• People react to same event differently
• Individuals react differently on different days
• Not external event that causes parents to get
frustrated, worried or angry
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Practice
• Hardest to stay calm when around children
• Practice when we are away from our children• Every day has many external events that we
can use for practice
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Resilience, Academic Success and Stress Management
• Before adolescence:– What do children need to learn– So they will be able to handle whatever comes
their way during adolescence
• How can parents teach what children need to learn?– Using opportunities provided by everyday life– Making moments count
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Goal for the day
• Seeing the teachable moment at all times• Connecting day-to-day mistakes and
disappointments with long-term goals• That when you are unable to find what to
teach it is about you, not your child• Learn what your blind spots are• Leave here today with a plan of action and a
process to keep learning about viewing skills and blind spots
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How may I use this?
• What can I teach?• Rather than• I have to fix this.• This should not be happening• My child deserves better• I must make my child feel better right this
minute• I must nip this in the bud