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Right Relationships in CongregationsUnitarian Universalist Church of AugustaAugusta, GAMarch 9 and 10, 2012
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Agenda
• Unitarian Universalism as a relational faith
• The meaning of covenant and right relationship in a congregation
Friday Evening
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Agenda
• Identifying and naming conflict
• Transforming conflict in a congregation
• The role of a right relationship team
Saturday morning
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Agenda
• The Right Relationship Team and the Board, COM, and the congregation
• Role plays and case studies
• Going forward in faith
Saturday afternoon
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Worship
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Chalice Lighting
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“Speak the Truth in Love” Covenant for Working
Together
Speaking We will speak for ourselves and not for others
the“Truth” We will speak only of our own experience We will speak as factually as possible
in Love We will speak honestly, with respect, and listen to
understand
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What is Right Relationship?
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In Relationship
Recall a story when you persuaded others to change their mind about something.
What behaviors from others let you know they were listening?
What created the feeling that you had been heard?
What behaviors did others exhibit that kept them in right relationship with you?
What behaviors did you exhibit that kept you in right relationship with them?
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In Relationship
Recall a story when a decision did not go your way, and yet you felt listened to and knew you had been heard.
What behaviors from others let you know they were listening?
What created the feeling that you had been heard?
What behaviors did others exhibit that kept them in right relationship with you?
What behaviors did you exhibit that kept you in right relationship with them?
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Out of Relationship
Recall a story when you didn’t feel you listened or were as respeectful as you could have been?
What behaviors did you exhibit let others know you weren’t listening?
What do you wish you would have done differently?
Is there, was there, a way to make amends?
If you tried to make amends, what happened?
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Forgiveness
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Come, come, whoever you are
Wanderer, Worshiper,
Lover of Leaving,
Ours is no caravan of despair
Come, yet again, Come.
Sufi Poet Mevlana Jelaluddin Rumi (circa 1200 ACE)
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Come, Come whoever you are, wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come even if you have broken your vows a thousand times,
Come, come yet again.
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Conflict
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Conflict is natural; neither positive nor negative, it just is.Conflict is just an interference pattern of energiesNature uses conflict as it’s primary motivator for change, creating beautiful beaches, canyons, mountains and pearlsIt’s not whether you have a conflict in your life, it’s what you do with that conflict that makes a difference.Conflict is not a contestWinning and losing are goals for games, not conflicts.Learning, growing and cooperating are goals for resolving conflicts,Conflict can be seen as a gift of energy, in which neither side loses and a new dance is created.Resolving conflicts is rarely about who’s right.It is about acknowledgement and appreciation of differences.Conflict begins within.As we unhitch the burden of belief systems and heighten our perceptions, we love more freely and fully. Thomas F. Crum, The Magic of Conflict
THE NATURE OF CONFLICT
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Signs of Conflict
Internal divisions
Informal cliques & factions
Increased use of voting to make decisions
Pattern of long, drawn-out, unproductive meetings
Sharp increase in attendance at some meetings
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Signs of Conflict
Over-reactive behavior
Significant changes in church income patterns
Evidence of mistrust of leadership (rumors, unofficial meetings, non-attendance)
Decreased attendance over the long run
Sudden changes in relationship patterns
Increased use of hostile language
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Signs of Conflict
Difficulty recruiting leadership
Win-lose attitudes in decision making
Rumors & gossip as primary communication
Unofficial meetings
Increased questioning of goals/breakdown of consensus
Unfocused anxiety, anger & fear
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The Problem• Emotions are
not involved: we consider the issues rationally. No facilitator is needed.
The Disagreement• We associate
issues with personalities and may stop sharing information. Sometimes, a facilitator can deescalate the conflict by encouraging discussion.
The Contest• Factions form
and mudslinging begins. As factional “groupthink” takes hold, information is distorted, and questioning a faction’s “line” can mean ostracism.
The Crusade• The factions
not only want to win; they want the other side to leave. Each side sees itself as principled and the other as immoral. Congregations may fire ministers, and some members may quit.
The War of the Worlds• Members not
only want the minister fired, they want to make sure he or she never works as a minister again. At this level, congregations split, and not only facilitators, but attorneys, may be needed.
Levels of Conflict
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Drama Triangle
Victim
VillainHero
The Joy of Conflict Resolution, Gary Harper
Problem
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Maintaining/establishing right
relationsA mission that includes healthy community
Covenants, covenants, covenants
• Safety procedures for working with children & youth• Background checks• Code of ethics• Disruptive persons policy
Safe Congregations Policy
Process for re-establishing right relations
Compassionate communication skills
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To (re)establish right relations
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Restoring Right Relationship
APOLOGY
Apology may do more to relieve the burden of the person who caused the injury than it does for the injured party.
FORGIVENESS
Apology followed by forgiveness can be an act of generosity, but still may not complete the work of establishing a sense of trust.
RECONCILIATION
When we engage in reconciliation, we invite change that will transform a relationship.
Reconciliation restores friendship or harmony, settles or resolves differences, transforms both parties by bringing them to a new consciousness about the way they see, treat, and represent each other.
Reconciliation is a competency that takes work to develop, and it requires commitment.
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Assessing a Problem
• Is the individual a source of threat or harm to persons or property?
DANGEROUSNESS
• What is the extent of disruption to church functions?
DISRUPTIVENESS
• How likely is it that existing or prospective church members will be driven away by the alleged behavior?
CONGREGATIONAL INTEGRITY
• How likely is it that the problem behavior will diminish in the future?
PROBABILITY OF CHANGE
• What has been the frequency and the degree of disruption caused by the individual in the past?
HISTORY
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Disruptive Persons
Level 1: Dialogue, Assessment, Agreement
Level 2: Written plan with path to forgiveness and reconciliation
Level 3: If refuses, suspension with conditions for return
Level 4: Removal from Membership and steps to enforce
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Cautions for RR Team
Avoid triangulation
Do not take on the anxiety
Do not accept anonymous concerns
Expect accountability
Don’t work harder than the people involved
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Relationships
Minister Board
Committee on Ministr
y
Right Relationship Team
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Scenario
A member of the congregation lights a candle in the worship service and says that he thinks the board is hiding something because they haven’t informed the congregation about the results of the survey, so he’s starting a recall petition to get rid of them all. Anyone who is interested in joining him can see him after the service.
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Small Groups
Did you identify a reporter and a timekeeper?
Did your group establish any process before discussing the scenario?
How were the relationships in your group?
Did your group assess the situation before developing solutions?
Was each person in the group invited to share their thoughts?
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Summary
Name one thing you learned, one insight you had, one idea you got from the workshop.