Romantic Love,“Real Love”And Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of RelationshipsThe Cycle of Relationships
Lecture 21aLecture 21a
COMMMUNICATION IN COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFEEVERYDAY LIFE
KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPRELATIONSHIP
Experience a mysterious and Experience a mysterious and inexplicable "magic" in one inexplicable "magic" in one another's presence.another's presence.
FALLING IN “LOVE”FALLING IN “LOVE”
SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE CHEMICAL COCKTAIL.CHEMICAL COCKTAIL.
EFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASYEFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASY COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES
ALWAYS PASSESALWAYS PASSES NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING
BEYOND GOOD FEELINGBEYOND GOOD FEELING
The Language of Romantic The Language of Romantic LoveLove
The Phenomena ofThe Phenomena of RecognitionRecognition
• We’ve just met, but I feel like I already know you.We’ve just met, but I feel like I already know you.
TimelessnessTimelessness• Feels like I’ve always known you.Feels like I’ve always known you.
ReunificationReunification• When I’m with you I feel complete. I’ve found my other half.When I’m with you I feel complete. I’ve found my other half.
NecessityNecessity• I can’t lie without you.I can’t lie without you.
H. Hendrix, getting the Love You WantH. Hendrix, getting the Love You Want
Romantic Love is an Romantic Love is an “emotional brain” Phenomena“emotional brain” Phenomena
Falling in love Falling in love • Emotional brain - fuses image of lover with primary Emotional brain - fuses image of lover with primary
caretakercaretaker
Intimate love is the ultimate in caretakingIntimate love is the ultimate in caretaking• Illusion of safety and securityIllusion of safety and security• Total absorptionTotal absorption
Instinctual bonding Instinctual bonding • The way a mother bonds with infantThe way a mother bonds with infant
Not the same as mature or “real” love Not the same as mature or “real” love • That requires consciousnessThat requires consciousness
““REAL” LOVE (COMMITMENT): REAL” LOVE (COMMITMENT): SCOTT PECK SCOTT PECK
THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE PURPOSE OF NURTURING ONE’S OWN PURPOSE OF NURTURING ONE’S OWN OR ANOTHER’S SPIRITUAL GROWTHOR ANOTHER’S SPIRITUAL GROWTH
TIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHERTIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHER REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ACT OF MINDFULNESSACT OF MINDFULNESS - -WILL, CHOICEWILL, CHOICE
MYTH OF ROMANTIC LOVEMYTH OF ROMANTIC LOVE THERE IS ANOTHER “MEANT FOR YOU” - THERE IS ANOTHER “MEANT FOR YOU” -
TRUE LOVETRUE LOVE RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU “FALL RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU “FALL
IN LOVE”IN LOVE” PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER
FOREVERFOREVER FALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKEFALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKE SEARCH AGAINSEARCH AGAIN CULTURAL BURDENCULTURAL BURDEN
MASS MEDIA AND ROMANCEMASS MEDIA AND ROMANCE
TRADITIONAL FORMULA:TRADITIONAL FORMULA: THE ENCOUNTER: COURTSHIPTHE ENCOUNTER: COURTSHIP THE CONFRONTATION: LOVER’S QUARRELTHE CONFRONTATION: LOVER’S QUARREL THE SEDUCTION: SEXUAL- INTELLECTUALTHE SEDUCTION: SEXUAL- INTELLECTUAL CONFESSION OF LOVE: AFTER FIGHTINGCONFESSION OF LOVE: AFTER FIGHTING MARRIAGE: NO DRAMA AFTER THISMARRIAGE: NO DRAMA AFTER THIS
REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION - REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION - THROUGH SHOWS LIKE “JESSICA AND NICK” or THROUGH SHOWS LIKE “JESSICA AND NICK” or DR. DR. PHILPHIL
• WHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE WHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE RE DAILY LIFE SKILLSRE DAILY LIFE SKILLS
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
1. 1. COMING TOGETHERCOMING TOGETHER 5 SUB-STAGES5 SUB-STAGES
2. 2. COMING APARTCOMING APART 5 SUB-STAGES5 SUB-STAGES
MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPSMAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS
Romantic Love,“Real Love”And Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of RelationshipsThe Cycle of Relationships
Lecture 21bLecture 21b
COMMMUNICATION IN COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFEEVERYDAY LIFE
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
COMING TOGETHERCOMING TOGETHER ANSWERING THE THREE KEY ANSWERING THE THREE KEY
QUESTIONSQUESTIONS REDUCING UNCERTAINTYREDUCING UNCERTAINTY
THE THREE KEY QUESTIONSTHE THREE KEY QUESTIONS
WhatWhat’’s going on?s going on? • The purpose of the talk, are we going to get through this The purpose of the talk, are we going to get through this
conversation smoothly? conversation smoothly?
. . Who am I to you and who are you to me in Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? this situation?
• Particularly noticeable at moments like the first time you meet Particularly noticeable at moments like the first time you meet someonesomeone
• We let others know about the kind of people we are and how they We let others know about the kind of people we are and how they are (in our eyes)are (in our eyes)
What is going to happen next?What is going to happen next? • Are we going to do something together (instrumental), or simply Are we going to do something together (instrumental), or simply
connect in the moment (relational). Discovering what we are going connect in the moment (relational). Discovering what we are going to do next also shapes our communication in the moment.to do next also shapes our communication in the moment.
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
COMING TOGETHERCOMING TOGETHER 1. INITIATING1. INITIATING INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION: SCAN INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION: SCAN
EACH OTHER FOR INTEREST - WATCH EACH OTHER FOR INTEREST - WATCH RESPONSERESPONSE
CONNECT TALK: RITUAL CONNECT TALK: RITUAL CONVERSATION STARTERSCONVERSATION STARTERS
CAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - ARCAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - AR
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
2. EXPERIMENTING 2. EXPERIMENTING TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR
SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON ANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKINGANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKING
3. INTENSIFYING 3. INTENSIFYING INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL
KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening “box 3”KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening “box 3” PHYSICAL CLOSENESSPHYSICAL CLOSENESS CREATING A PRIVATE CULTURECREATING A PRIVATE CULTURE
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 4. INTEGRATING4. INTEGRATING THEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLETHEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLE SYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACESYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACE VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF
PERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERSPERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERS REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE: The more we communicate with REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE: The more we communicate with
someone similar to us on the surface, the more similar we become to them in deeper someone similar to us on the surface, the more similar we become to them in deeper ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards particular issues. ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards particular issues.
WE ARE CREATING AN “US” WE ARE CREATING AN “US” CAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCYCAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCY
5. BONDING5. BONDING FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE TOGETHER FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE TOGETHER GAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP RULESGAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP RULES
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
COMING APARTCOMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCESNOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES
TALKING ABOUT COMING APARTTALKING ABOUT COMING APART
Romantic Love,“Real Love”And Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of RelationshipsThe Cycle of Relationships
Lecture 21cLecture 21c
COMMMUNICATION IN COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFEEVERYDAY LIFE
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
COMING APARTCOMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCESNOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES
TALKING ABOUT COMING APARTTALKING ABOUT COMING APART
COMING APART: REVIEW OF KEY COMING APART: REVIEW OF KEY FACTORSFACTORS
UNRESOLVED TENSIONSUNRESOLVED TENSIONS AUTONOMY/CONNECTIONAUTONOMY/CONNECTION SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL
IDENTITYIDENTITY
NOVELTY/PREDICTABILITYNOVELTY/PREDICTABILITY BALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCESBALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCES
OPENNESS/CLOSENESSOPENNESS/CLOSENESS SHARED THOUGHTSSHARED THOUGHTS
SHATTERED SHATTERED EXPECTATIONSEXPECTATIONS
1. TRUST1. TRUST 2. INTIMACY2. INTIMACY 3. ACCEPTANCE3. ACCEPTANCE 4. SUPPORT4. SUPPORT 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE
INCOMPLETE SELF INCOMPLETE SELF DISCLOSUREDISCLOSURE
AREAS OF SELF: OPEN, HIDDEN, AREAS OF SELF: OPEN, HIDDEN, BLIND, UNKNOWNBLIND, UNKNOWN
PROBLEMATIC FIGHTING PROBLEMATIC FIGHTING STYLESSTYLES
“ “ VOICES” USEDVOICES” USED PARENT, CHILD, ADULTPARENT, CHILD, ADULT
TYPE OF TALKTYPE OF TALK LIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS. PASSIVELIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS. PASSIVE D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
CONFLICT RESOLUTIONCONFLICT RESOLUTION Forcing-Accommodation-Avoidance-Forcing-Accommodation-Avoidance-
Compromise-CollaborationCompromise-Collaboration
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
COMING APARTCOMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCESNOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES
COUPLE “NEEDS SPACE” SO, COUPLE “NEEDS SPACE” SO, FIGHTING INCREASESFIGHTING INCREASES MORE USE OF MUTUAL HEAVY MORE USE OF MUTUAL HEAVY
C.O.N.T.R.O.L.C.O.N.T.R.O.L.
HH
EE
AA
VV
YY
0.0.
L.L.
RIGHTEOUS RIGHTEOUS ANGERANGER
HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.LHEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L
OVERTOVERTAGGRESSIONAGGRESSION
PUT DOWNPUT DOWNLABELLABELMINDREADMINDREADCOMMANDCOMMANDVENT-YELLVENT-YELLDEMANDDEMANDTHREATENTHREATENCRITICIZECRITICIZERIDICULERIDICULEUSE SARCASMUSE SARCASMLIELIE
LAY LAY BLAMEBLAME
OVERT OVERT PASSIVEPASSIVE
AGRESSIVEAGRESSIVE
INTENSE INTENSE COMPLAINTCOMPLAINTDISQUALIFY DISQUALIFY WORDSWORDSWHINEWHINEPLAY MARTYRPLAY MARTYRWITHHOLDWITHHOLDDENYDENYPUT DOWN SELFPUT DOWN SELF
GIVE EXCUSESGIVE EXCUSESPROCRASTINATEPROCRASTINATE
R.R.RIGHTEOUS RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATIONINDIGNATION
LAY LAY BLAMEBLAME
THREE KEY QUESTIONS: THREE KEY QUESTIONS: RENEGOTIATING THE ANSWERSRENEGOTIATING THE ANSWERS
Question number two is key:Question number two is key: Who am I to you and who are you to me in this Who am I to you and who are you to me in this
situation? situation? • ““You’re not the person I married….I thought I knew?” “What’s You’re not the person I married….I thought I knew?” “What’s
happened to you…” “I thought you liked my cooking, mother, happened to you…” “I thought you liked my cooking, mother, father, ideas on…..” “When did you start getting interested in …. father, ideas on…..” “When did you start getting interested in ….
WhatWhat’’s going on?s going on? • ““What do you mean…you need your space?”What do you mean…you need your space?”• ““What are we really talking about here?”What are we really talking about here?”..• REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION, TRUTH, REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION, TRUTH,
BLAME.BLAME.
What is going to happen next?What is going to happen next? • Are we going on together or not? Are we adjusting, changing, Are we going on together or not? Are we adjusting, changing,
struggling some more, leaving?”struggling some more, leaving?”
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APARTCOMING APART 2. CIRCUMSCRIBING2. CIRCUMSCRIBING REDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATIONREDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATION ““HOT” TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTSHOT” TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTS
INCREASED FORMALITYINCREASED FORMALITY 3. STAGNATING3. STAGNATING ““HOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONSHOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONS RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSEDRELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED
THE MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION THE MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADECASCADE
RepeatedRepeated• Complaining and criticizingComplaining and criticizing leads to leads to • Contempt,Contempt, which leads to which leads to• Defensiveness,Defensiveness, which leads to which leads to• Listener WithdrawalListener Withdrawal from from
interaction (stonewalling).interaction (stonewalling). See Gottman in Additional Reading 15 See Gottman in Additional Reading 15
MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and ContemptFlooding and Contempt
VIDEO EXAMPLE
MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and ContemptFlooding and Contempt
VIDEO EXAMPLE
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
4. AVOIDING4. AVOIDING PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATIONPHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATION SEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILYSEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILY
5. TERMINATING5. TERMINATING LONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFULLONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFUL SPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGESSPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGES
COMING APARTCOMING APART 3. STAGNATING3. STAGNATING““HOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONSHOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONSRELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSEDRELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED
MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPSMAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS
PROSOCIAL BEHAVIORSPROSOCIAL BEHAVIORS POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY; AVOID CRITICISM; POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY; AVOID CRITICISM; COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELF-COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELF-
SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. TALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURETALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURE
CEREMONIAL BEHAVIORSCEREMONIAL BEHAVIORS CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIESCELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES DISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMESDISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMES EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT
MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPSMAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS ““TOGETHERNESS” BEHAVIORSTOGETHERNESS” BEHAVIORS DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES, DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES, CONTROL “EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP” ACTIVITIESCONTROL “EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP” ACTIVITIES
COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORSCOMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?" CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?" LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT SHARED LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT SHARED
FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT: FAIR FIGHTING RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT: FAIR FIGHTING
Four Effective Problem-Solving Skills Four Effective Problem-Solving Skills in a Long-Term Relationshipin a Long-Term Relationship1.1. Physiological soothingPhysiological soothing
Basic to all other skills Basic to all other skills Calming self Calming self
2.2. Softened start-upSoftened start-up DDescriptive escriptive I-Messages I-Messages OOpen Acknowledgementpen Acknowledgement
3.3. Repair and De-escalationRepair and De-escalation MetacommunicationMetacommunication Accepting influenceAccepting influence
4.4. CompromiseCompromise Based on common groundBased on common ground
See TextbookSee Textbook