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Parenting and Self-Regulation
Dr. Susan Hopkins, Ed.D.Executive Director
The MEHRIT CentreSelf-Reg.ca
@susanhopkins5 @self_reg
Susan Hopkins, Ed.D.Executive Director
The MEHRIT CentreSelf-Reg.ca
@susanhopkins5 @self_reg
Self-Regulation versus Self-Control
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Big Questions:
What is the relationship between stress, energy, learning, behaviour and self-regulation?
How is self-regulation different from self-control?
How do young children develop self-regulation?
What does Self-Reg look like in early childhood education?
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Siena Xaeli
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Children in Chronic Stress States: Seem to be sad a
lot or don’t demonstrate any
emotion at all
Develop hair-trigger responses
to stress
See neutral facial expressions and
even friendly remarks as threats
Have problems regulating strong
negative emotions
Demonstrate increase in
impulsivity and distractibility
Have trouble anticipating
consequences and evaluating risk
Are prone to withdrawal or
aggression
Don’t seem to feel empathy or have a sense of right and
wrong
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Stress – How we respond and recover
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“0-500” reaction in an instant
Over reaction to situation
Unusually long time to cool off
Volatile / Emotional
lability
Four Signs of Allostatic Overload
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Major issue:
Self-Regulation is MISUNDERSTOOD
447 DIFFERENT definitions….
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What is…..
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Shanker Self-Reg: 5-step process for understanding STRESS and
managing TENSION and ENERGY.
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Self-Reg Has 5 Domain of Stress
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Stressors: Positive & Negative
Good or Bad Stress? -Normal Absorption
-Response vs. Reaction -Internal Stress Cycles
Hidden Stress
(Noise, guilt, temperature,
anxiety)
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When Limbic Brakes Kick In
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Sugar from a Self-Reg lens: A stressor
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Hidden
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Cognitive Stressors and Memory
Cabin
Banana
Magazine
Desk
Bird
Telephone
Television
Map
Bed
Frog
Pancake
Park
Novel
Sink
Monkey
Vase
Peach
Radio
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ME BRAIN
WE BRAIN
Mikey
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Social Engagement
Learning Brain + Immobilization without
Fear.
Vagal Circuit Activation” Parasympathetic –
Sympathetic Balance
Mobilization with FearSympathetic nervous system activation
Defensive fight/flight
Immobilization with Fear
Dorsal Vagal Circuit Activation
Defensive Shutdown
Porges Polyvagal Theory
NeuroceptionSafety?Danger
Life Threat?
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Stressors Have Changed
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Behavior is Communication That We Can Easily Misinterpret.
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The Interbrain: Communication Pathways in Co-regulating Relationships
Such as:
*Sound *Vision *Smell *Touch *Taste *Proprioception * Shared Emotion
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Regulation
Co-Regulation
Self-Regulation
How do We Develop Self-Regulation?
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Shared with permission of Susan Hopkins and The MEHRIT Centre (self-reg.ca) for use in presentations by children/graduates of The Shanker Method, Self-Reg Level 2 Facilitators training.
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It’s SMARTEST
to
Co-Regulate
Simplify your language
Movement – slow down your actions
Affect – match the child’s affect
Reflect the child’s emotional intent
Tone of voice – modulate for the situation
Eyes and ears – listen with both
Stop – wait for the child to initiate
Together – join the child in their intent
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Red Brain Adult Behaviours
Yelling HumiliatingThreats (Do XYZ or else
ABC)
Routine chaos Losing temperGiving it to
‘make it stop’
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“Gifted to me”
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1. Feeling safe doesn’t come from the words we say. Recognize
that often there are no magic words. Send oodles of (non-
verbal) cues of safety, love, soft eyes.
2. Lend your calm, not your dysregulation.
3. Allow “space” for ALL emotions – they are reactions not
choices.
4. Amplify experiences of positive emotions; it’s not just about
coping!
5. Your Self-Reg matters too! Fill up your own tank, put your
own mask on first, find the joy in your crucial role in children’s
Self-Reg journey.
Remember: You are the Strategy
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Your
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Self-Reg in the Early YearsWhat it is and Why it Matters
Dr. Susan Hopkins, Ed.D.Executive Director,
The MEHRIT Centre
@susanhopkins5
self-reg.ca/eventresources
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I’ve Noticed Self-Reg ECEs
Look for strengths, find the laughter,
seek joy.
Have soft (er) eyes for all: children,
parents, colleagues, self
Prioritize healthy routines and build rituals for wellness
Find the reflective pauses: Why and
why now?
Gift (to others) time-fors
Scaffold self-regulation: Reg to Co-Reg to Self-Reg
Are ever aware of the Self-Control
Mindset (shoulda coulda woulda)
Live by values but also model “oops”
Prioritize own restoration and
rebalancing
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Build Havens, Change Rivers
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SEEDSSelf-Reg is an area of interest
SUNRISESelf-Reg is developing in area(s)
of your work
QUILTSelf-Reg is one of many cores to
your organizational systems, structures, and supports for student
well-being
HAVENA Self-Reg mindset is embedded in school culture; teaching and
learning; universal supports; policies; strategic plans; approaches to behavior and all relationships
Four Self-Reg Journeys
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❑ Reframe how you see a child.
❑ Self-Reg way of seeing a child based on Blue Brain/Red Brain
distinction:
➢ self-control vs. self-regulation
➢misbehaviour vs, stress behaviour
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If it’s Misbehaviour
o Child chose to act a certain wayo Child aware that s/he shouldn’t act that wayo Child could have chosen/acted differently
If it’s Stress Behaviour
o Child did not choose to act a certain wayo Child’s behaviour caused by limbic and
sub-limbic processeso Extremely difficult for the child to control
this behaviour
Stress behaviour results from the stress “backpack” outweighing resources.
Is it Misbehaviour or Stress Behaviour?
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So often, our automatic response to such behaviours is to lash out at what we see as an irreparable “character defect.”
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❑ Recognize when something is a positive stress and when it is a
negative stress: for this child at this moment.
❑ Be able to see when a child is caught in a stress cycle, and why.
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BiologicalLoud noise, crowds, too much visual stimulation, not enough exercise, exhaustion, junk food, allergies, headaches, asthma, smells
Emotion
Cognitive
Social
Prosocial
Strong emotions, both positive (over-excited) & negative (anger, fear)
Difficulty processing certain kinds of information, recognizing patterns,
Difficulty picking up on social cues, or understanding effect of behaviour on others
Difficulty coping with other people’s stress; sense of injustice, empathy is an “expensive” emotion.
Examples of Stressors in the 5 Self-Reg Domains
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❑ Reduce whatever negative stresses you can and “dial down the
tension” with your body language and voice.
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❑ Reflect: on the signs that a child is approaching the point of being
overstressed, or the signs that you are approaching such a point.
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❑ Realize and Respond when a child’s balance is upset across the five
domains – biological, emotion, cognitive, social, prosocial
❑ And help the child restore not just in terms of “what to do in the
moment,” but also to establish Self-Reg thinking, including self-
nurturing, as second nature.
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1. Adopt a “Self-Reg First” philosophy.
2. Be a safe base. Build a sense of safety for children who show you the
signs that they feel unsafe. Safe IS the intervention.
3. Think about the long game for all children. The drip, drip, drip of how
children learn Self-Reg through coregulation.
4. Think like a curious compassionate detective: No one size fits or
explains all: Why this child, why now? Stress detecting. Trial and error,
test out strategies.
5. Have Self-Reg is infused throughout your program: in the rituals and
routines; through all relationships; as problems that emerge are
worked through; in your pedagogical decisions; in your view of the
child and in your view of yourself.
Self-Reg is not a program, it’s a process.
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Your
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Allostatic Overload: 4 Signs (McEwan)
1. 0-500 responses
2. Overreaction
3. Long To Cool Off
4. Volatility/
Emotional Lability
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• Social Engagement: Seeks help and comfort allows self to rest
Trusts will be okay expresses emotion
Take care of vital life tasks
• Mobilization with FearHyperarousal heart pounding insomnia
Primal panic anxiety fear terror
Body tension shortness of breath
Social withdrawal evaluative narratives
• Immobilization with FearNumb extreme fatigue muscle weakness
Memory problems dizziness difficulty functioning lack of appetite
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