Download - THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS OF OCEAN COUNTY
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS OF OCEAN COUNTY
P.O. Box 219, Island Heights, New Jersey, 08732
Website: https://tcfocnj.weebly.com HYPERLINK
"https://tcfocnj.weebly.com/"
E-mail ([email protected])
October-December Newsletter: Vol. 46 No. 10-12
GROUP CONTACTS
Chapter Leader: Billie Ellis (732-363-3894)
Facilitator: Betty Juliano (732-255-1582)
Newsletter: David Rothman (732-288-9114)
Treasurer: Stacy Favre (732-506-9017)
Fundraising: Tony Sobolewski (732-779-3345)
Website: Debra Connolly
Garden: Bruce Jones (732-244-9631)
Telephone: Billie Ellis (732-363-3894)
The Compassionate Friends National Office
48660 Pontiac Trail
#930808
Wixom, MI 48393
877-969-0010
http://compassionatefriends.org
CHAPTER LEADER NOTES
Please note that all our meetings are now being held back at St. Luke’s
Church at 1674 Old Freehold Road in Toms River. They are on the first
Tuesday of each month at 7PM. Next meetings are on November, 2nd and
December 7th.
Our annual candlelight ceremony will be on Sunday 12/12/21. It will be
back at St. Barbara Church in Toms River at 2200 Church Road at 7PM.
There will be some changes to the program, etc. We do ask you take
necessary precautions because of Covid and be prepared to meet any
requirements needed at the time.
MONTHLY MEETING, ST. LUKE CHURCH, TOMS RIVER DIRECTIONS
From the North
Take the Garden State Parkway (GSP) South to Exit 89 C-B-A toward NJ-
70/Brick/County Hwy 528/Lakewood.
Take Exit 89 B-A on the left toward NJ 70/Lakehurst/Brick.
• Merge onto Route 70 West toward
Lakehurst/Lakewood/Manchester. At New Hampshire Ave (3rd
light) take the jughandle.
• You will cross over Rt. 70 West (1st light) and
continue on New Hampshire until you come to Church Road
(4th light-with North Dover Elementary on your left) make
a right.
• At Old Freehold Road (1st light) make a right.
• St. Luke is on your right.
•
From the South
Take the Garden State Parkway (GSP) North to Exit #83 (Toms
RiverJunction Rt. 9/Rt. 166). Bear right onto Rt. 9 North.
• Take Route 9 North until Church Rd. (3rd light-not
including blinking light) and make a right.
• Take Church Rd. to Old Freehold Rd. (1st light) and
make a right.
• St. Luke is on your right.
•
From the West
• Take Interstate 195 East to Exit #16B (Six Flags-Rt
537N).
• Stay on Rt. 537N. At the light past the Jackson
Outlet, make a right onto Rt. 571.
• Stay on Rt. 571 until it junctions with Rt. 9
(approx. 18 miles).
• Make a left onto Rt 9 and continue until Church Rd
(2nd light not including blinking light)
• Make a right onto Church Road.
• Take Church Road to Old Freehold Rd (1 light) and
make a right.
• St. Luke is on the right.
From Freehold
• Take Rt. 9 South through Howell and Lakewood until
Church Road (Citgo & 7-Eleven).
• Make a left onto Church Road
Take Church Road to Old Freehold Rd. (1 light) and make a right
MEETING INFORMATION
To Our New Members-coming to the first meeting is the hardest, but you
have nothing to lose and everything to gain! Try not to judge your
first meeting as to whether or not The Compassionate Friends will work
for you. At the next meeting you may find just the right person or
just the right words said that will help you in your grief. The
purpose of our meetings is to listen, share and hopefully offer
support. Please be assured that there is no obligation to speak or
participate. Just attend and hopefully you will receive some measure
of comfort from joining the group and meeting other families that
understand. You are also encouraged to bring someone with you for
support, we realize how difficult that first meeting can be and assure
you that you will find a place where people that do understand are
willing to listen and to care.
Grief is experienced by everyone in very different ways, but there are
some common thoughts and feelings that all who suffer grief will
share.
It is important to understand what your normal reactions will be. We
cannot change the pain you may experience during grief. We can give
you a better sense of control while going through these experiences by
make them less frightening. Having something to “hold onto” will help
maintain some sense of reality for those going through intense change.
To Our Seasoned Members - We need your encouragement and your support.
Each meeting we have new parents. THINK BACK - what would it have been
like for you at your first meeting if there had not been any TCF
'veterans' to welcome you, share your grief, encourage you and tell
you "your pain will not always be this bad, it really does get better.
All are invited to bring a picture of your child for "Our Children
Remembered" table. We will have a candle lit in memory of all the
children listed in this month's newsletter and invite you to bring a
picture and/or something special if you would like to speak about your
child this month. This is the one place that speaking about your child
is not considered an imposition and expressing how you are really
feeling is appropriate and welcome.
OUR CHILDREN REMEMBERED, October, 2021
This month we are remembering these children
who are sadly missed. Please take a few moments of silence to
remember their day. A phone call or note would be so kind. None
of us ever forget those very special days and messages that say
"I care" really do help.
Child's Name “birth” dates
Kimberly Smith Ames October 8
Kimberly’s Baby October,
Olga Assur October 7
Meredith Ivy Bamberger October 25
Joey Batullo October 15
Jermoy Bechard October 27
Christopher G. Berberena October 1
Andrew Bernstel October 8
Vincenzo Bove October 23
Michael Thomas Brennan October 30
Christopher Calderone October 25
Frank Anthony Campagna October 6
Kamryn Carnick October 15
Larry Cataldo October 14
Percy W. Cockrill October 9
William Corbertt, Jr. October 30
Mark Richard Cortese October 8
Eric Paul DaCruz October 7
Peter Anthony DeBellis October 4
Xavier Donnelly October 11
Steven Dwyer October 2
Augie Ernesto October 23
Raymond Farino October 20
Christopher Franchi October 6
Joseph L. Gillick October 14
Christina Lynn Golembiewski October 18
Sean Michael Guthrie October 19
Kyle Hazard October 5
Jesse Hicks October 22
Chase Johnson October 14
Charles Kontos October 23
Andrew E. Kuminski October 6
Amy Lynn Lackett October 12
Samara Marie Lamberti October 28
Amie Lark October 6
Suzanne Lavecchia October 1
Kristen Ledford October 19
Robert Bruce Linton III October 3
Caitlin J. Magner October 18
Christopher M. Marino, Jr. October 30
Vinnie Martucci October 2
Thomas Baker McColley October 25
Joanne McGrelo October 30
Stephanie McGill October 3
Derek Meglis October 12
Thomas Miraldi October 29
James P. Meyers October 24
Jaiden Moore October 1
Francesca Nicholson October 11
Lauren Niederer October 12
Christopher Nielsen October 7
Desmond O’Brien October 6
Laticia Piccini October 13
Karin Lyn Pagliaroli October 14
Matt Johnny Pierro October 21
Dominick “DJ” Polimeda October 20
Baby Puglisi October 17
Michael Rathgeber October 13
Kelly Patricia Rodriquez October 9
Joey Rogers October 13
Jason Atom Ryan October 17
Becky Salisbury October 20
Lisa Santaiti October 30
Chiara Marie Scancella October 10
Michael B Schildknecht October 25
Robert Schildknecht October 26
Robert Scott October 2
Phyllis Ann Sceurman October 12
Melvin Sharpe October 17
Douglas Shropshire October 23
Anthony Skyers II October 11
Laura Ann Smith October 5
Charles Thomas Smyth October 22
Michael “Sobo” Sobolewski October 22
Brad Louis Sorrentino October 25
Caroline Stark October 25
John Stoecker October 22
Jake Stuart October 2
Kathryn McCarthy Titus October 29
Miguel Angel Torres October 1
Christina M. Valentine October 21
Alexander Velez October 27
Christopher Vertino October 22
Jacqueline Nicole Viets October 15
Jamie Marilyn Vitello October 22
Tara Ward October 23
“passing” dates
Kimberly Smith Ames October 8
Anthony Assissi October 26
Kimberly’s Baby October
Shawn David Bastek October 9
Jessice Bernick October 17
Heather Ellen Braunstein October 3
Elizabeth Brown October 29
Rachel Jones Brown October 5
Robert P. Brown October 17
Melissa Ann Browne October 4
Heath Butler October 6
Jon Byron October 22
Christopher Callahan October 16
Frank Anthony Campagna October 7
Michael Canals October 26
Michael Anthony Cantillo October 8
Michael Carfora October 19
Kamryn Carnick October 15
Linda Ann Castellano October 15
Donna Chick October 18
Edward Chick October 18
Betty Jayne Clevenger October 9
Cassandra Lynn Costello October 15
Justin Cruz October 27
Chris D’Andra October 2
Dominick William Dellaperute October 1
Xavier Donnelly October 11
Patrick Dundee October 14
Laurie Ann Edwards October 15
Christopher Franchi October 6
John Paul Geist October 13
Michael J. Goodwin, Jr. October 28
Irene Michel Hackett October 31
Jarrett James Hill October 23
Kimberly Beth Holzsager October 23
Scott Incalcatera October 20
Tiffany Jamison October 4
Tyree Johnson October 5
Rachel E. Jones October 5
Gary Kennis October 8
Melissa Anne Kulikowski October 30
Samar Marie Lamberti October 28
Robert Bruce Linton III October 4
Little Billy October 27
Loriann Long October 29
Lizanne Joyce Lucarelli October 9
Anthony Patrick Marsh October 23
Peter Martorana October 17
Jane A. Matos October 24
Jonathan McCarthy October 11
Justin Mercer October 28
Steven Michael Minue October 7
Tom Mount October 28
Dougie Murante October 27
Francesca Nicholson October 11
Jamie Nicholson October 11
Christopher Nielsen October 11
Christopher Scott Noel October 22
Mariah Aleece O’Neill October 26
Bradley Oppel October 4
Nicholas John Pietropaolo October 28
Steven Palmieri October 18
Susan Pickens October 3
Rachelle Piourde October 18
Becky Pizzulo October 27
Dorothy Poliakowski October
Baby Puglisi October 17
Laura Purohir October 21
Robert Rak October 6
Amanda Faith Reo October 29
Jace Allen Reynolds October 3
Kirstin Liv Roehrich October 9
Michael Rondinelli October 28
Christopher E. Roxbury October 29
Kia Anice Rozier October 29
Arielle Diedre Rubin October 28
Maria Ruzzo October 4
Chiara Marie Scancella October 28
Ava Jolene Schwamberger October 28
Becky Scott October 27
Anthony Patrick Scucci October 23
Jason Sears October 30
Joshua Siegel October 10
Keith Seiler October 1
Aidan Dolan Sennick October 12
Melvin Sharpe October 20
Virginia Shepard October 7
Robert Scott Smith October 26
Michael Sobolewski October 22
Mark Steven Stepanian October 23
Jason C. Stewart October 10
Lukas Earl Sutton October 13
Kim Thorston October 1
Peter Michael Torakis October 12
Kathy Tufano October 23
Theresa Ann Urban October 7
Sean Clark Vaughan October 28
Geoffrey Vandenberge October 10
Curtis Van Tassell October 26
Tara Christine Ware October 23
Alexis Christy Weinstein October 5
Matthew Wilkinson October 15
Kevin Wistuba, Jr. October 29
Mark Zyla October 14
OUR CHILDREN REMEMBERED, November, 2021
This month we are remembering these children who are sadly
missed.
Please take a few moments of silence to remember their day. A phone
call or note would be so kind. None of us ever forget those very
special days and messages that say "I care" really do help.
Child's Name “birth” dates
Mary Annuniziato November 13
Joseph Anthony Baiocco November 9
Carl David Berg November 7
Deana Blackmine November 24
Emma Natalie Butcher November 27
Dawn Marie Byrnes November 10
Nara Campisi November 28
Eddie Capuano November 23
Michael Cardaio November 27
David Clancy November 16
Jeffrey Carollo November 15
Jason David Cayne November 11
David Clancy November 16
Andrew Columbo November 15
Joseph Carmine DeHart November 10
Brian John Dempsey November 24
Ray Faluotico, Jr. November 8
Nick Ferrante November 7
Pamela Frazier November 23
Heather Gagliano November 2
Valda Grinfelds November 5
William Guglielmo, Jr. November 8
Ronda Jean Gundry November 29
Irene Michele Hackett November 30
Mandy Hatzinikitas November 4
Mike Isenmann November 24
Dougie Jackson November 16
Bill Jasko, Jr. November 24
Kevin Joyner November 8
Mia Kalb November 3
Gary Kennis November 6
Thomas Joseph Lokker November 24
Michael Lowenstein November 9
Kimerlee Lyn Maison November 3
Randy Alan Marcus November 15
Diane Marie Morello November 28
Mikey Mazzatelli November 16
Cole Nichols November 5
Shawn O'Reilly November 11
Steven Palmieri November 19
Michael Pansulla November 8
David Pasick November 27
Thomas Peet, Jr. November 4
Walace Potzak November 6
Lou Reen November 23
Amanda Faith Reo November 23
Christopher E. Roxbury November 14
Kia Anice Rozier November 8
Mindy Susan Rubin November 10
David Russo November 11
Kenneth F. Salvi November 15
Kevin A. Schemel November 18
Erica Lynn Schempp November 19
Liam Donovan Sherman November 16
Dalee Slack November 6
Danielle Elizabeth Smyth November 3
Joseph Snack November 10
Edward Snyder November 19
Michael Snyder November 19
Robert D. Stankovich November 26
Elisa Marie Stefanski November 7
Kerri P. Stinson November 26
Devin Stokes November 7
Scott Tatarian November 18
Brenden Venter November 6
Juliet Joann Wilkens November 1
Kim Wilkinson November 19
Matthew Witzgall November 24
William Woerner III November 20
Ron James Zucker November 15
Child’s Name “passing” dates
Keith Adam Atkinson November 8
Kerry Arnold Beaton November 28
Jacqueline Berardo November 23
Dana Cheryl Brown November 4
Phillip Brooks Brown, Jr. November 15
Scott A. Bruett November 3
Scott Bruno November 26
Terence “TJ” Butler November 6
Christopher Calderone November 9
Michael Cardaio November 16
Percy W. Cockrill November 9
Jason Cole November 7
Michael John Coleman November 8
Kevin Curran November 17
Patrick James Cusick November 20
Jarrod D’Andrea November 4
Aaron E. DeLuca November 13
Joseph Patrick DeSarno November 18
Paitlyn Rose Donnelly November 27
Bobby Eidel November 14
Robert Joseph Elena November 17
Annmarie Esposito Firetto November 14
Robert Norman Flynn November 7
Stacey Ford November 16
Juida Rose Reynolds November 10
Jessica Rose Genovese November 5
David J. Gordet November 10
Jackelyn Grace November 9
James Anthony Grande November 20
Kevin Arthur Gerber November 23
David Alan Glaser November 21
James Anthony Grande November 20
Kyle Guidice November 15
Robert William Harmer III November 23
Lance Robert Hoie November 14
Brianna Nicole Hroncich November 2
Dana Jones November 4
Thea Gail Juezan November 9
Madison Olivia Krychiw November 30
Janice Kurry November 12
Amy Lynn Lackett November 12
Eugene Richard LaMonica November 20
John Lanzano November 28
Carol Ann Lis November 23
James Patrick Lowe November 16
Michael Maguire November 18
David Makuta November 15
Lori Marshall November 28
Michael Marsall November 21
Michael Henry Matteucci November 20
Susan McCarthy November 30
Jennifer McMahon November 12
Shannon McCoy November 11
Harry Miller November 18
Nicholas M. Moriarty November 7
Colleena Mulligan November 26
Michael O’Brien November 3
Kaitlyn Okolita November 14
Chase Ryan Olsen November 24
Michael O'Neill November 9
Rusty Orebek November 5
Ryan Ortleb November 10
Michael Pansulla November 2
Joseph Petti November 29
Jaida Rose Reynolds November 10
Richard Rinaldi November 14
Kelly Patricia Rodgriguez November 26
Mark A. Rosetto November 21
Mindy Susan Rubin November 13
Jason Atom Ryan November 13
Gary Matthew Sabo November 1
Kevin Sabo November 9
Jessica Vern Scarano November 7
William N. Schmitz November 1
Dalee Slack November 6
Danielle Elizabeth Smyth November 3
Heather Soyster November 8
Robert D. Stankovich November 19
Elisa Marie Stefanski November 7
Mark Glenn Tornquist November 7
David Van Houten November 14
Chelsea Venner November 4
Thomas James Walker November 15
Ellen Wells November 17
Kim Wilkinson November 16
OUR CHILDREN REMEMBERED, December, 2021
This month we are remembering these children who are sadly
missed.
Please take a few moments of silence to remember their day. A phone
call or note would be so kind. None of us ever forget those very
special days and messages that say "I care" really do help.
Child's Name “birth” dates
Stephen W. Arnold December 24
Anthony Assissi December 31
Michael Gene Babilya December 11
Ryan J. Bennett December 24
Kevin John Beretta December 3
Elizabeth Brown December 7
Melissa Ann Browne December 16
Brayden Thomas Bruckner December 6
V. Maximilian Buono December 26
Terence “TJ” Butler December 1
Gavin Michael Carter December 17
Linda Ann Castellano December 6
Angela Chipppelli December 31
Jeremy M. Clarke December 28
Christopher A. Clayton December 17
Daniel Scott Cleary December 8
Brian Clickner December 18
Stephen Costanzo December 18
Debbie Yunker Cross December 21
Bonnie Cusmano December 14
Richard Thomas D’Aquanni December 21
Jay J. DeRaffele December 30
Tommy Donzeill December 3
Peter Samuel Flipse Dorian December 3
Sierra Feaster December 14
Joseph Florio-Ortiz December 17
Rocco “Rocky” Anthony Gangemi December 24
Jeffrey Gonazalez December 30
Barbara Harrison December 6
Raymond John Helm December 28
John Higgins
Carol Leigh Horne December 23
Keith Robert Howells December 14
Gilbert Isabelle December 17
Deborah Italiano December 23
David J. Jacob December 3
Glenn Jeffrey December 13
Andy Jemison December 6
Tyree Johnson December 4
Allan Jones December 12
Richard Karwoski December 23
Patricia Kennedy December 21
Mark Levine December 16
Patti “Trish” Maffei December 9
EJ Malvasio December 21
Peter Martorana December 27
Anthony Maruca December 19
Peter Mass December 15
Jane Matos December 1
Dennis McCouley December 13
Joanne McField December 30
George Mifsud December 10
Jon Mindurski, Jr. December 25
Jonathan James Mitchell Decebebr 26
John Michael Moskowitz December 24
Tom Mount December 16
Colleena Mulligan December 27
John Novicki December 21
Michael O’Brien December 9
Sean O’Connor December 8
Albie Joe Ostervich December 19
Susan Pickens December 6
Roger Plourde December 21
Lily Elizabeth Raimann December 2
John Rak December 17
Andy Rush December 3
Leigh Theresa Santillo December 8
Courtney Scheppers December 22
Bradley Stephen Schor December 22
Andrew Shearer December 12
Anastasios Skentos December 11
Maureen Smialek December 5
David Smith December 21
James Smith December 17
Hank Steinbach December 13
Jason C. Stewart December 9
Christopher Superior December 24
Shea Taylor December 25
Kurt Aaron Thatcher December 25
Richard Tello December 24
Carol Marie Tesatore December 15
Lee Vasil December 5
Charity Wardell December 4
Christopher Wells December 28
Scott Wickel December 3
Jackie White December 28
Patrick Wolf December 2
Meghan Berndt Wolfe December 14
Jessica Connie-Majorie Woodin December 22
Elysia Wortman December 5
Lois Jane Yurman December 5
Child's Name “passing” dates
Ray Alianello December 30 n
Glen Adams December 10
Justin Juergen Albers December 6
Stephen Albino December 26
Zoia Assur December 7
Carl Barone December 11
Sandra Kathleen Bell December 30
Ryan J. Bennett December 9
Jackie Bozicev December 7
Mark Bradley December 11
Braqyden Thomas Bruckner December 6
Nicholas J. Burdge December 12
Lori Cancel December 28
John Carollo December 16
Julie Ann Clakeley December 7
Patricia Coleman December 13
Constance Lee Cook December 12
Scott Cummings December 15
Joseph Deak December 5
Anthony Rocco DeCarlo December 28
Andrea Cindy Dener December 16
Dennis Patrick DePhillips December 30
Dan Difabio December 18
Paityn Rose Donnelly December 27
Stacie Ann Fischer December 26
Arthur Andrew Florio December 13
Joseph Florio-Ortiz December 17
Lauren Fluegge December 22
Matthew Frank December 30
Adriana Giovanniello December 10
Michael Bruce Gilluly December 14
Chuck Goldman December 24
Andrew M. Grande December 11
Judy Ann Harrington December 28
Brian Hellenack December 4
Keith Robert Howells December 31
Eric Wallace Ingran December 27
Mike Isenman December 24
Dougie Jackson December 17
Patricia Kennedy December 8
Robert John Kirby December 25
EJ Malvasio December 28
Mach Mangers December 5
Michael Roy Manzi December 25
Frank Marion December 20
Riley Marie McCabe December 15
Scott McIntosh December 11
Shawn Medly December 14
Steven Meola December 16
Todd Miller December 14
Thomas Miraldi December 18
David H. Mitchell December 16
Jonathan James Mitchell December 26
Nick Moyer December 8
Cole Nichols December 28
John Novicki December 31
Laura Odell December 29
Kristilyn Ostroff December 27
John Anthony Paluzzi, Jr. December 30
Harold C. Paton III December 25
Lisa Ann Paul December 12
Bob Peet, Jr. December 21
Stacy Lee Peszynski December 14
Jacob Harrison Phillips December 18
Steven Andrew Prosser December 31
Lily Elizabeth Raimann December 2
David Russo December 21
Evan Schatzman December 20
Erica Lynn Schempp December 2
Kate Shea December 26
Liam Donovan Sherman December 1
Lukas Earl Sutton December 13
William Sweerus December 26
Scott Tataria December 26
Elenore Whalen December 3
Gregory Wilkins December 12
LOVE GIFTS
A love gift is a tax-deductible donation given in memory of a child
that died. Because of these gifts we are able to continue reaching out
to bereaved parents. Please try to send your gifts to the chapter by
the meeting date of the month prior to the month you wish it to
appear. Love gifts can be sent to Compassionate Friends at PO Box 219
in Island Hts., New Jersey 08754.
HOW TO ACCESS
OTHER SUPPORT GROUP/HOTLINE INFORMATION
To access information for other support groups/hotlines that deal with
many aspects of grief go to tcfocnj.weebly.com and then click on Find
Crisis Hotlines & Support. For additional resources click on Other
Resources and then download file.
Another way to access more support groups can be found by going to the
National Compassionate Friends website at www.compassionatefriends.org
HYPERLINK "http://www.compassionatefriends.org/" or type in key word
“Compassionate Friends.” Go to Resources and then click on Links and
then click on Crisis Hotline Information. A telephone list of
hotlines will be shown. For a list of other helpful organizations got
to Resources and then click on Related Organizations.
HOW TO ACCESS TO COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
ON-LINE SUPPORT CHAT GROUPS
To access the on-line support system go to compassionatefriends.org or
use key word “Compassionate Friends”. Click on Find Support then click
On-Line Communities then click on Get OnLine Support. You will need to
register for the chat rooms.
HOW TO ACCESS TO COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS FACEBOOK GROUPS
To access the our Chapter Facebook page put in Ocean County
Compassionate Friends on Facebook.
For the national Facebook page go to Facebook and enter
compassionate friends USA.
For individual groups within Facebook go to compasionatefriends.org or
use key word “Compassionate Friends”. Click on Find Support then click
On-Line Communities then click on View Groups or click on Resources
then click on 24/7Private Facebook Groups.
ACCESSING BROCHURES/E-NEWSLETTER
To access various brochures on dealing with various aspects of grief go
to compassionatefriends.org HYPERLINK
"http://www.compassionatefriends.org/" or use key word “Compassionate
Friends.” Click on Resources then click Brochures Available. You can
also register for the national e-newsletter at this site.
MORE HELPFUL INFORMATION
You can access opentohope.com, hosted by Gloria and Heidi
Horsley.
There you can find more information including access to radio and video
archives, articles, book lists and upcoming event.
INFORMATION ABOUT OUR LIBRARY
Please note there is a complete selection of brochures. books and other
kinds of literature dealing with grief that is available in our
Chapter Library. The Library is in the same building in which we hold
our meetings.
SHARING POEMS AND THOUGHTS
We encourage you to share your poems and thoughts. We would like to
include them in future newsletters and use them in a Chapter book.
They can be sent to Compassionate Friends at PO Box 219, Island Hts.,
NJ
08732 or they can be e-mailed to [email protected]
WHEN GRIEF UPENDS YOUR HOLIDAYS
Everyone has favorite memories of holidays past: Uncle Larry’s “toast
of gratitude,” Grandpa carving the turkey, little Anna’s rendition of
“Silent Night.” These moments sparkle in our memory banks and make us
look forward to the next November or December, hopeful that we’ll get
to bask in the same hilarity or sweetness again.
But what happens when they become memories interrupted? When you’ve
lost a child, it can feel as if you’ve lost the most beautiful moments
of the holidays. If your most cherished memory of Thanksgiving was
listening to your child explain the story of the Pilgrims’ encounter
with the Native Americans or your favorite Christmas moment was
watching your child’s delight at what Santa brought, the holidays can
be fraught with emotion.
Your strongest instinct may be to cancel the holidays altogether and
hide out. Eating frosting out of a can and crying over Hallmark movies
sounds preferable to holding it together in front of family members
you haven’t seen since last Thanksgiving. But you deserve to enjoy the
holidays and seek happiness where you can find it, and there are a few
ways to do that.
Start a new holiday tradition. If your biggest impulse is to throw in
the towel, do so — by not doing what you’ve always done before. Rather
than sit at the same table with the same food and stare at the empty
seat that fills your every thought, change the dynamic. Push your
family to serve Thanksgiving dinner at a soup kitchen. Start a new
tradition of “adopting” a family in need for Christmas and buying the
gifts on their wish list. Ask everyone to throw new dishes into the
Hanukkah mix. If you’re used to celebrating Kwanzaa at home, add in
ice skating or driving around to looking at lights. Mix up your usual
plans so everything feels new, not just your grief.
Scale back your expectations. Are you used to making a huge spread of
14 different dishes, including a turkey and a ham? Recognize that that
just might not be in your wheelhouse this year — and accept that that
can be a good thing. Assign some dishes to other family members to
contribute.
Call a caterer to prepare what sounds overwhelming. Switch to easier
sides that may include a boxed mix or a microwave. There’s no shame in
simplifying things so you can enjoy yourself, and there’s no reason
others can’t help you carry the load.
Focus on your favorite parts. Is the best part of Christmas planning
the playlist for the family? Are you looking forward to stuffing
yourself with all the Stove Top you can get your hands on? Do you love
unearthing old family videos to watch, especially ones that feature
your beloved child? Give yourself permission to notice only the things
that bring you joy and ignore the rest. If Aunt Jackie and Uncle Hal
are fighting for the 25th year in a row, go to another room. If the
noise of the toddlers is too much for you, feel free to read in bed.
You’re allowed to skip the hard parts in what’s already a hard holiday
season.
Do some things on your own. If the holidays represent one of your only
times to gain support from your extended family, take advantage. But
if you really just want to leave the house and be by yourself for a
while, ask family members to take care of your other children or help
make meals while you catch a movie or go on a walk. Family members who
care about you won’t begrudge you the opportunity to seek solace
elsewhere when you can.
Honor your child. Some families choose to light a candle in memory of a
child; others tell stories of funny or sweet things the child did. You
may want to buy a memorial ornament to hang on the tree, make a
special trip to visit him or her in the cemetery, or simply make a
meal loaded with his or her favorite dishes. Ignoring the hole in your
heart — and your family — won’t make the holidays easier, but
acknowledging what’s missing may give you a moment of warmth that
makes the rest less taxing. The holidays are overwhelming for many
people: Travel, family dynamics, and packed schedules can all take
their toll. But add in the weight of grief, and the holidays can feel
unbearable. Rather than throw in the towel and avoid the celebrations
altogether, let yourself do what you need to so you can both
participate and cope. The holidays may be different, but they can
still be beautiful. Gloria Horsley
AND FOR THIS I GIVE THANKS______
I am acutely aware that autumn is here. As I write this, the air
coming through my window is crisper and the leaves are taking on the
golden and scarlet hues of the season. The shorts and tee shirts,
which were the summer mainstay of the neighborhood children, are being
replaced by sweats and flannels. Pumpkins are replacing lawn
ornaments. The beauty of nature is at its most spectacular. It is
unmistakably here, welcome or not…
This will be my fifth autumn without my daughter Nina. I find that I
am far enough along in my grief to find memories to smile about now,
but still close enough to remember those first few years and the
piercing stab of pain in my heart that went along with them.
Halloween, with memories of the costume party she threw when she was
10 years old; the major production she made out of what she would wear
as a trick-or-treater, and as she got older, her enjoyment in passing
out candy to neighborhood goblins. Then came Thanksgiving, one of my
favorites. I liked the idea of family and friends gathering together
with no other purpose other than eating until you were stuffed and
being thankful for each other and the blessings of the past year. No
presents required, just the joy of family togetherness – and the
knowledge that my children were here…all of them. On that first
Thanksgiving after my beautiful daughter died, the empty chair and
place at the table seemed to scream out at me that someone precious
was missing. And the message of this holiday was thankfulness? What
would I ever again find to be thankful for?
Some TCF parents remember being unable to eat even a bite because they
were continually trying to choke back tears that first Thanksgiving.
Just wanting to curl up in a ball, pull the covers over their heads,
and wake up some time in January after the last remnants of the
holidays were cleared away. In all honesty, I cannot tell you even one
detail of that first one: where I spent it, who was present, where I
was, if I cried all day. I remember nothing.
However, I do remember three months after Nina had died, though. On a
visit to my neurologist I tearfully told him of my depression over her
death. His response to me was “Why don’t you count your blessings
rather than your sorrows? Think happy thoughts and maybe you won’t
feel so sad.” I, of course, asked him if he had ever lost a child. He
had not…obviously. Only someone uneducated in the school of grief
would say something so impossible to accomplish!
Almost five Thanksgiving’s later, have I found reasons to be thankful?
I asked myself this question and decided to put pen to paper. I was
surprised to say the list was quite lengthy, but I will only share a
few of them. I am thankful for:
• My loving family, and the welcome joyful additions in the last few
years.
• My memory, because now the painful memories are, now more often,
replaced with the beautiful memories of the past, and they were such
beautiful memories.
• My life, for whom else will keep Nina’s memory alive? Of course, my
family, but they have lives of their own, as they should. I am the
self-appointed keeper of my daughter’s memory.
• Nina. The joy of loving her, the privilege of being her mother.
Though I wish it had been much longer, I wouldn’t trade those 15 ½
years for anything.
• Smiling a genuine smile, laughing a hardy laugh, and finding my sense
of humor again. I believe that Nina hears me laugh and that she wants
me to find joy in life again.
• My sight, because I commented (for the first time in five autumns) on
the magnificent colors of the autumn foliage and the grandness of
Minnesota’s most sumptuous season. I didn’t think I’d ever notice
again. But I did.
• The Compassionate Friends, who showed me there is life after the
death of a child; who allowed me to express my emotions, listened
patiently, understood my pain, and welcomed me into their hearts.
They helped salvage what remained of my sanity and I will be
eternally grateful.
• The opportunity to give back. To bring hope to the newly bereaved
with the knowledge that it won’t always hurt this bad, and that you
will make it with the love and support of family and your
Compassionate Friends. Helping really is healing. And, that there
will come a time that you too will find things to be thankful for
again.
I have found a measure of peace and see some of the light at the end
of the tunnel that we are all so desperately seeking. I know that I
will always love and miss my Nina and will never forget her. That when
the holidays return each year, there will still be the twinge of pain
in my heart that she is not there with our family. Yet, I have
learned, over time, that there is joy to be found again, and the grief
I feel for the loss of Nina can and does coexist with that joy. You
will each find it again in your own time; maybe not this Thanksgiving
or next, but it will come. It really will…
Cathy Seehuetter
HOLIDAYS FOR THE HEALING HEART____________
It’s that time of year again. Carols are on the radio. Movies
play on the television. Trimmings decorate the trees.
Memories linger in our hearts.
The holiday season can be challenging, even without being
complicated by grief over the loss of a loved one. With the
additional weight of grief, the holidays can become a complex
maze of good intentions, great expectations, and high hopes,
all mixed together with the stark reality that someone
somewhere might end up disappointed.
We try to do our best to keep the traditions of previous
Christmases intact, or we start new ones in an effort to
reduce the painful throb of all we’ve lost. However, when we
are forced to choose between what others want in the way of
celebrations and what we desperately need in order to
navigate the minefield of memories, some friction between the
two expectations is inevitable.
May I make a suggestion? Each time frustration and
discouragement come calling this holiday season, take a
moment to try to see beyond the actions and words of your
friends to the love (or grief) that drives those words and
actions. If you are the one who is grieving, be
thankful that your friends want to celebrate with you. Be
thankful that they are still making an effort to include you
in their holiday plans. Try to meet them halfway, if you are
able. True friends will respond with compassion when you
explain what you can do and what you cannot, even if you
cannot explain why. If your friend is the one
who is grieving, do what you can to give them the strength
for those milestone events that squeeze their hearts so
painfully. Be thankful that your grieving friend is making it
through those tough days, even if making it through those
days doesn’t include all that you had hoped. And show your
friend that you love them enough to accept a “No” to your
invitations (even though you really wanted a “Yes”). Try to
remember that “No” doesn’t mean “I don’t want to”. It means
“I want to, but I just can’t”. Be thankful that your
grieving friend loves you enough to be honest about their
need, and ask them how you can help them celebrate their
loved one’s memory during the holidays in a way that they
find comforting.Christmas is the season of giving.
Give grace. Give compassion. And give love
unconditionally.That is what Christmas is all about.
By LESLIE HARDER
Thanksgiving
The time draws near
And the calendar says
Thanksgiving is really here.
Time to reflect and time to gather
Thoughts of what to be thankful of.
Thankful? I think not.
My life is not full these days And to be
thankful is beyond my grasp. But to give
thanks? This, I believe, can be done.
Searching my soul deep within
Reasons to give thanks surface to the edge
Yes, I give thanks
For the memories of yesterdays,
The love, the laughter, the joy of each day when James was with us
The trials & tribulations of being an active parent,
The rewards & the challenges of raising a child,
The days of blissful ignorance when I thought tragedy would never visit
our home,
The days when life was normal, even though I took it all for granted.
For the treasures of today,
The sunrise, sunset, the changing of the seasons,
The new found friends along this journey I reluctantly travel
The tried & true friends who stand by me still,
The strong and everlasting love of my husband
The warmth of wet kisses from my canine companion & feline friend,
The encouragement & support, compassion & caring I give & receive as
I survive and help others survive.
For the hopes and possibilities of a peaceful tomorrow,
With faith, love, & perseverance as I struggle to move on
With James in my heart forevermore, spiritually guiding me with his new
presence,
With sorrow and reluctance, each new day,
To yet, somehow, be open and loving,
Not to forsake what I’ve learned
Because of what I’ve lost.
You see, it’s not about keeping up with the Jones’ having an SUV or two
in the garage or the newest, most improved, latest and greatest new
gadgets, not even being up to date with state of the art technology –
It’s about love – it’s about the gifts of yesterday, blended with the
blessings of today to make meaning for tomorrow.
Meg Avery (James’ mom)
TCF Lawrenceville, Ga
It comes and goes,
as the cold snow blows,
drifting aimlessly
until piling on my heart.
Anger, sadness,
pain and guilt,
all gifts I bring unwillingly
as the holidays impart.
I try to hide
my grieving heart
beneath gifts and decorations,
but eventually, they come apart.
The holiday season
comes on quick
and leaves just as fast.
Although seasons and grief depart,
they linger in the heart.
I Will See You In My Dreams by Bruce Springsteen
The road is long and seeming without end
The days go on, I remember you my friend
And though you're gone
And my heart's been emptied it seems
I'll see you in my dreams
I got you guitar here by the bed
All your favorite records
And all the books that you read
And though my soul feels like
It's been split at the seams
I'll see you in my dreams
I'll see you in my dreams
When all the summers have come to an end
I'll see you in my dreams
We'll meet and live and love again
I'll see you in my dreams
Yeah, up around the river bend
For death is not the end
And I'll see you in my dreams
I'll see you in my dreams
When all the summers have come to an end
I'll see you in my dreams
We'll meet and live and love again
I'll see you in my dreams
Yeah, up around the river bend
For death is not the end
And I'll see you in my dreams
(See) You in my dreams
See you in my dreams
Go
And I'll see you in my dreams