Download - The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers
The Ugly Truth About
Stupid CustomersA Scientific Approach
Raise Your Hand
If You Have Ever Encountered Such A Customer
Introductory Remarks
Introductory Remarks
This Presentation is the Result of years of Scientific Research into the Behavior of the Species Homo Customeris Stupidus
Sponsored by the Rl.Ac.f.t.A.o.U.o.S.C.a.t.B.t
Conducted by Eminent Specialists in the fields of Psychology, Anthropology, Econometrics and Sociopathic Sciences
Introductory Remarks
Less Enlightened Pseudo-Scientists have claimed that there is No Such Thing as 'a Stupid Customer ' …
For Years, Renowned Scientists have Documented many Observations of this Species in the Wild !
WRONG !
However !
While the Customeris Stupidus does in fact Exist, it is a rather Rare and Shy Creature
Most Observations have been exposed as cases of Confusion with the Customeris Vulgaris !
Such mis-classification is known to have Desastrous Consequences!
What We Shall Present Today
A Correction of the hitherto available Classification of the Customeris Stupidus
A Proven Approach to avoid the Potentially Lethal Consequences of Exposure to this SpeciesMay we ask the Gentlemen in
the audience to cover the Eyes of the Ladies when necessary
Homo Customeris Frustratus
« I Thought You Knew That »
Customer: What did you say ? Translate the content myself ? Not automatic, is it ? I thought that was going to be done automatic ally ! Had I know you were incapable of building this I would have gone with Drupal, my friend assured me that his site does all that and more, he doesn't need to bother at all, well, you've really put me in a difficult spot with your Open Source approach, I won't fall for that again !
You: But when I asked you during our first
meeting whether you needed
a multi-lingual site, why did you say 'No' ?
Managing Expectations
It has been Proven beyond reasonable doubt that Customeris Frustratus does NOT exist
Frustratus is often confused with cases of Acute Disappointment, which can lead to chronic Displeasure
The only Approach known to work is Prevention by using Documentation
Customer: Er … you're right. How stupid of me.
You: But why did you not react when we
presented our initial analysis document ?
Home Customeris Alwaysmohrus*
The Ever Expanding Expextation
† after Prof.Dr. Ursula.K.Always-Mohr (°1934 – †2009)
You: But how was I to foresee
in 2011 what technology would be current
30 years later ?
Customer: So you're saying you think it's Normal that my Site isn't compatible with Explorer XXVI ? The entire 3D-effect is missing, I'ld say that's not the quality you would expect from a professional webdesigner, perhaps I should have worked with another company altogether …
Avoiding 'Scope Creep'
Prof. Always-Mohr discovered that in all likelihood, the Alwaysmohrus (also known as Extendum Continuum) became extinct around 1430
Since then, documented sightings have proven to be cases of regular Customeris (Customeris Vulgaris) with increased Assertivity levels
In such cases, it is Capital to write down all Promises in a Contract
You: But doesn't the contract
clearly mentions which browser
versions we will test against ?
Customer: Er … you're right. How stupid of me.
Homo Customeris Reclamatus
The Unhappy Customer
Customer: You promised me the site would be ready today, I've got a Board meeting in an hour and now I see a missing image, on the home page no less, in the section the Boss wrote himself, I'm making a fool of myself if this comes up on the screen, you bunch of incompetent morons, you'll give me an ulcer, wait till my Legal Department get their hands on you lot, they'll skin you !!
You: … (lost for words)
Dealing With Reclamatus
Demonstration
You: I understand this must be very
annoying for you, and I'm
sorry. Perhaps we can discuss later
what can be done to avoid this in the
future, but I'll quickly fix the
image and make your demo a
success.
How about that ?
Customer: Er … you're right. How stupid of me.
Conclusion
Remain Vigilant !
Time is Lacking to discuss Customeris Pauperis (who cannot pay you
just now)Customeris Amateurus (who ruined the site
by upgrading to 1.6)Customeris Ignoramus (who thinks the
Facebook feature set is part of a standard website installation)
To Guide you, we've composed a little Song
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
Intro
Dear Customer, I love you so, but something I must tell
from time to time you turn my life into a bleedin' hellI cannot sleep, I beat my wife and drink until I'm blueBut change is in the air tonight and what must change
is you
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
1st Verse
I'll document precisely what I think you really meantbecause I'm trying to avoid discussions at the endI'll write it down on paper, for you to read and sign
I'll build your site, I'll turn it live and it will be sublime
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
Chorus
Customers are Stupid, acting like a foolThey don't know what they really need,
like they never went to schoolThey can be very irritating and so, my Friend, are youso go and mend your silly ways and try to get a clue
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
2nd Verse
Everything in life must end, so my fixed price contracts doyou'll get what you have ordered, down to the final screw
But should you ask for one more thing, as simple as it may
I'll write up an addendum and tell you what to pay
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
Chorus
Customers are Stupid, some are greedy tooThey hope they'll never have to pay for the things they
make you doNow I don't work for nothing, never done and never will
so be a sport, call your bank and pay the final bill
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
3rd Verse
I know that I'm not perfect and there's an error on your screen
but what you said about me and that sheep was really mean
I'll fix the bug and hope that that will lighten up your mood
perhaps you'll quiet down again and stop being so rude
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
Chorus
Customers are Stupid, angry and irateBut all that cursing in my ears doesn't help me
concentrateSo please stop screaming on the phone and uppercase
your mailLeave me be to find the problem that makes your pages
fail
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
4th Verse
I think you understand by now I've had it up to hereyou'll have to change your ways a bit, I hope it's crystal
clearShould you return tomorrow for another Joomla gig
then we will do things my way or I'll gut you like a pig
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
Chorus
Customers are Stupid, Customers are dumbBut maybe if we help them, all these faults are overcomeIf you set your mind free baby, maybe you'll understand
Customers are useful and some are downright grand
The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
Epilogue
To this enlightened audience, there's one thing left to sayI'll give you one more golden rule to live by every day
Customers are people just like you and meI hope that you will all become a happy family
The End
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