Download - This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate
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Copyright©2009byDavidFosterWallaceLiteraryTrustAllrightsreserved.ExceptaspermittedundertheU.S.CopyrightActof1976,nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,distributed,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,orstoredinadatabaseorretrievalsystem,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.
Little,BrownandCompanyHachetteBookGroup
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FirsteBookEdition:April2009
Little,BrownandCompanyisadivisionofHachetteBookGroup,Inc.TheLittle,BrownnameandlogoaretrademarksofHachetteBookGroup,Inc.
ISBN:978-0-316-07100-0
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Contents
CopyrightPage
Chapter1
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AlsobyDavidFosterWallaceTheBroomoftheSystem(1987)GirlwithCuriousHair(1989)InfiniteJest(1996)
SignifyingRappers(withMarkCostello)(1997)ASupposedlyFunThingI’llNeverDoAgain(1997)BriefInterviewswithHideousMen(1999)Everything
andMore(2003)Oblivion(2004)ConsidertheLobster(2005)McCain’sPromise(2008)
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DavidFosterWallacewasinvitedtospeaktothe2005graduatingclassofKenyonCollegeonasubjectofhischoosing.Itwastheonlysuchaddressheevermade.
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Therearethesetwoyoungfishswimmingalongandtheyhappentomeetanolderfishswimmingtheotherway,whonodsatthemandsays,“Morning,boys.How’sthewater?”
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Andthetwoyoungfishswimonforabit,andtheneventuallyoneofthemlooksoverattheotherandgoes,“Whatthehelliswater?”
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ThisisastandardrequirementofUScommencementspeeches,thedeploymentofdidacticlittleparable-ishstories.
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Thestorythingturnsouttobeoneofthebetter,lessbullshittyconventionsofthegenre…butifyou’reworriedthatIplantopresentmyselfhereasthewiseoldfishexplainingwhatwateristoyouyoungerfish,pleasedon’tbe.
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Iamnotthewiseoldfish.
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Theimmediatepointofthefishstoryismerelythatthemostobvious,ubiquitous,importantrealitiesareoftentheonesthatarehardesttoseeandtalkabout.
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StatedasanEnglishsentence,ofcourse,thisisjustabanalplatitude—butthefactisthat,intheday-to-daytrenchesofadultexistence,banalplatitudescanhavealife-or-deathimportance.
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OrsoIwishtosuggesttoyouonthisdryandlovelymorning.
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OfcoursethemainrequirementofspeecheslikethisisthatI’msupposedtotalkaboutyourliberalartseducation’smeaning,totrytoexplainwhythedegreeyou’reabouttoreceivehasactualhumanvalueinsteadofjustamaterialpayoff.
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Solet’stalkaboutthesinglemostpervasiveclichéinthecommencementspeechgenre,whichisthataliberalartseducationisnotsomuchaboutfillingyouupwithknowledgeasitisabout,quote,“teachingyouhowtothink.”
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Ifyou’relikemeasacollegestudent,you’veneverlikedhearingthis,andyoutendtofeelabitinsultedbytheclaimthatyou’veneededanybodytoteachyouhowtothink,sincethefactthatyouevengotadmittedtoacollegethisgoodseemslikeproofthatyoualreadyknowhowtothink.
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ButI’mgoingtoposittoyouthattheliberalartsclichéturnsoutnottobeinsultingatall,becausethereallysignificanteducationinthinkingthatwe’resupposedtogetinaplacelikethisisn’treallyaboutthecapacitytothink,butratheraboutthechoiceofwhattothinkabout.
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Ifyourcompletefreedomofchoiceregardingwhattothinkaboutseemstooobvioustowastetimetalkingabout,I’daskyoutothinkaboutfishandwater,andtobracket,forjustafewminutes,yourskepticismaboutthevalueofthetotallyobvious.
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Here’sanotherdidacticlittlestory.
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TherearethesetwoguyssittingtogetherinabarintheremoteAlaskanwilderness.
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Oneoftheguysisreligious,theother’sanatheist,andthey’rearguingabouttheexistenceofGodwiththatspecialintensitythatcomesafteraboutthefourthbeer.
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Andtheatheistsays,“Look,it’snotlikeIdon’thaveactualreasonsfornotbelievinginGod.
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It’snotlikeIhaven’teverexperimentedwiththewholeGod-and-prayerthing.
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Justlastmonth,Igotcaughtoffawayfromthecampinthatterribleblizzard,andIcouldn’tseeathing,andIwastotallylost,anditwasfiftybelow,andsoIdid,Itriedit:Ifelltomykneesinthesnowandcriedout,‘God,ifthereisaGod,I’mlostinthisblizzard,andI’mgonnadieifyoudon’thelpme!’”
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Andnow,inthebar,thereligiousguylooksattheatheistallpuzzled:“Wellthen,youmustbelievenow,”hesays.“Afterall,hereyouare,alive.”
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Theatheistrollshiseyeslikethereligiousguyisatotalsimp:“No,man,allthathappenedwasthatacoupleEskimosjusthappenedtocomewanderingby,andtheyshowedmethewaybacktothecamp.”
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It’seasytorunthisstorythroughakindofstandardliberalartsanalysis:Theexactsameexperiencecanmeantwocompletelydifferentthingstotwodifferentpeople,giventhosepeople’stwodifferentbelieftemplatesandtwodifferentwaysofconstructingmeaningfromexperience.
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Becauseweprizetoleranceanddiversityofbelief,nowhereinourliberalartsanalysisdowewanttoclaimthatoneguy’sinterpretationistrueandtheotherguy’sisfalseorbad.
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Whichisfine,exceptwealsoneverenduptalkingaboutjustwheretheseindividualtemplatesandbeliefscomefrom,meaning,wheretheycomefrominsidethetwoguys.
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Asifaperson’smostbasicorientationtowardtheworldandthemeaningofhisexperienceweresomehowautomaticallyhardwired,likeheightorshoesize,orabsorbedfromtheculture,likelanguage.
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Asifhowweconstructmeaningwerenotactuallyamatterofpersonal,intentionalchoice,ofconsciousdecision.
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Plus,there’sthematterofarrogance.
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Thenonreligiousguyissototally,obnoxiouslyconfidentinhisdismissalofthepossibilitythattheEskimoshadanythingtodowithhisprayerforhelp.
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True,thereareplentyofreligiouspeoplewhoseemarrogantlycertainoftheirowninterpretations,too.
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They’reprobablyevenmorerepulsivethanatheists,atleasttomostofushere,butthefactisthatreligiousdogmatists’problemisexactlythesameasthestory’satheist’s—arrogance,blindcertainty,aclosed-mindednessthat’slikeanimprisonmentsocompletethattheprisonerdoesn’tevenknowhe’slockedup.
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ThepointhereisthatIthinkthisisonepartofwhattheliberalartsmantraof“teachingmehowtothink”isreallysupposedtomean:tobejustalittlelessarrogant,tohavesome“criticalawareness”aboutmyselfandmycertainties…becauseahugepercentageofthestuffthatItendtobeautomaticallycertainofis,itturnsout,totallywronganddeluded.
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Ihavelearnedthisthehardway,asIpredictyougraduateswill,too.
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Here’soneexampleoftheutterwrongnessofsomethingItendtobeautomaticallysureof.
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EverythinginmyownimmediateexperiencesupportsmydeepbeliefthatIamtheabsolutecenteroftheuniverse,therealest,mostvividandimportantpersoninexistence.
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Werarelythinkaboutthissortofnatural,basicself-centeredness,becauseit’ssosociallyrepulsive,butit’sprettymuchthesameforallofus,deepdown.
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Itisourdefaultsetting,hardwiredintoourboardsatbirth.
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Thinkaboutit:Thereisnoexperienceyou’vehadthatyouwerenotattheabsolutecenterof.
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Theworldasyouexperienceitisthereinfrontofyou,orbehindyou,totheleftorrightofyou,onyourTV,oryourmonitor,orwhatever.
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Otherpeople’sthoughtsandfeelingshavetobecommunicatedtoyousomehow,butyourownaresoimmediate,urgent,real.
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Yougettheidea.
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Butpleasedon’tworrythatI’mgettingreadytopreachtoyouaboutcompassionorother-directednessoralltheso-called“virtues.”
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Thisisnotamatterofvirtue—it’samatterofmychoosingtodotheworkofsomehowalteringorgettingfreeofmynatural,hardwireddefaultsetting,whichistobedeeplyandliterallyself-centered,andtoseeandinterpreteverythingthroughthislensofself.
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Peoplewhocanadjusttheirnaturaldefaultsettingthiswayareoftendescribedasbeing,quote,“well-adjusted,”whichIsuggesttoyouisnotanaccidentalterm.
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Giventheacademicsettinghere,anobviousquestionishowmuchofthisworkofadjustingourdefaultsettinginvolvesactualknowledgeorintellect.
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Theanswer,notsurprisingly,isthatitdependswhatkindofknowledgewe’retalkingabout.
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Probablythemostdangerousthingaboutanacademiceducation,atleastinmyowncase,isthatitenablesmytendencytoover-intellectualizestuff,togetlostinabstractthinkinginsteadofsimplypayingattentiontowhat’sgoingoninfrontofme.
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Insteadofpayingattentiontowhat’sgoingoninsideme.
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AsI’msureyouguysknowbynow,itisextremelydifficulttostayalertandattentiveinsteadofgettinghypnotizedbytheconstantmonologueinsideyourhead.
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Whatyoudon’tyetknowarethestakesofthisstruggle.
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Inthetwentyyearssincemyowngraduation,Ihavecomegraduallytounderstandthesestakes,andtoseethattheliberalartsclichéabout“teachingyouhowtothink”wasactuallyshorthandforaverydeepandimportanttruth.
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“Learninghowtothink”reallymeanslearninghowtoexercisesomecontroloverhowandwhatyouthink.
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Itmeansbeingconsciousandawareenoughtochoosewhatyoupayattentiontoandtochoosehowyouconstructmeaningfromexperience.
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Becauseifyoucannotorwillnotexercisethiskindofchoiceinadultlife,youwillbetotallyhosed.
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Thinkoftheoldclichéaboutthemindbeing“anexcellentservantbutaterriblemaster.”
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This,likemanyclichés,solameandbanalonthesurface,actuallyexpressesagreatandterribletruth.
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Itisnottheleastbitcoincidentalthatadultswhocommitsuicidewithfirearmsnearlyalwaysshootthemselvesin…thehead.
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Andthetruthisthatmostofthesesuicidesareactuallydeadlongbeforetheypullthetrigger.
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AndIsubmitthatthisiswhatthereal,no-shitvalueofyourliberalartseducationissupposedtobeabout:Howtokeepfromgoingthroughyourcomfortable,prosperous,respectableadultlifedead,unconscious,aslavetoyourheadandtoyournaturaldefaultsettingofbeinguniquely,completely,imperiallyalone,dayinanddayout.
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Thatmaysoundlikehyperbole,orabstractnonsense.
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Solet’sgetconcrete.
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Theplainfactisthatyougraduatingseniorsdonotyethaveanycluewhat“dayin,dayout”reallymeans.
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TherehappentobewholelargepartsofadultAmericanlifethatnobodytalksaboutincommencementspeeches.
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Onesuchpartinvolvesboredom,routine,andpettyfrustration.
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TheparentsandolderfolksherewillknowalltoowellwhatI’mtalkingabout.
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Bywayofexample,let’ssayit’sanaverageadultday,andyougetupinthemorning,gotoyourchallenging,white-collarcollege-graduatejob,andyouworkhardfornineortenhours,andattheendofthedayyou’retired,andyou’restressedout,andallyouwantistogohomeandhaveagoodsupperandmaybeunwindforacouplehoursandthenhittherackearlybecauseyouhavetogetupthenextdayanddoitallagain.
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Butthenyourememberthere’snofoodathome—youhaven’thadtimetoshopthisweekbecauseofyourchallengingjob—andsonowafterworkyouhavetogetinyourcaranddrivetothesupermarket.
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It’stheendoftheworkday,andthetraffic’sverybad,sogettingtothestoretakeswaylongerthanitshould,andwhenyoufinallygetthere,thesupermarketisverycrowded,becauseofcourseit’sthetimeofdaywhenalltheotherpeoplewithjobsalsotrytosqueezeinsomegroceryshopping,andthestoreishideously,fluorescentlylit,andinfusedwithsoul-killingMuzakorcorporatepop,andit’sprettymuchthelastplaceyouwanttobe,butyoucan’tjustgetinandquicklyout.
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Youhavetowanderalloverthehuge,overlitstore’scrowdedaislestofindthestuffyouwant,andyouhavetomaneuveryourjunkycartthroughalltheseothertired,hurriedpeoplewithcarts,andofcoursetherearealsotheglaciallyslowoldpeopleandthespaceypeopleandtheADHDkidswhoallblocktheaisle,andyouhavetogrityourteethandtrytobepoliteasyouaskthemtoletyouby,andeventually,finally,yougetallyoursuppersupplies,exceptnowitturnsouttherearen’tenoughcheckoutlanesopeneventhoughit’stheend-of-the-dayrush,sothecheckoutlineisincrediblylong.
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Whichisstupidandinfuriating,butyoucan’ttakeyourfuryoutonthefranticladyworkingtheregister,whoisoverworkedatajobwhosedailytediumandmeaninglessnesssurpasstheimaginationofanyofushereataprestigiouscollege…butanyway,youfinallygettothecheckoutline’sfront,andyoupayforyourfood,andwaittogetyourcheckorcardauthenticatedbyamachine,andyougettoldto“Haveaniceday”inavoicethatistheabsolutevoiceofdeath.
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Andthenyouhavetotakeyourcreepyflimsyplasticbagsofgroceriesinyourcartwiththeonecrazywheelthatpullsmaddeninglytotheleft,allthewayoutthroughthecrowded,bumpy,litteryparkinglot,andtrytoloadthebagsinyourcarinsuchawaythateverythingdoesn’tfalloutofthebagsandrollaroundinthetrunkonthewayhome,andthenyouhavetodriveallthewayhomethroughslow,heavy,SUV-intensiverush-hourtraffic,etcetera,etcetera.
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Everyoneherehasdonethis,ofcourse—butithasn’tyetbeenpartofyougraduates’actualliferoutine,dayafterweekaftermonthafteryear.
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Butitwillbe,andmanymoredreary,annoying,seeminglymeaninglessroutinesbesides…
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Exceptthat’snotthepoint.
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Thepointisthatpetty,frustratingcraplikethisisexactlywheretheworkofchoosingcomesin.
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Becausethetrafficjamsandcrowdedaislesandlongcheckoutlinesgivemetimetothink,andifIdon’tmakeaconsciousdecisionabouthowtothinkandwhattopayattentionto,I’mgonnabepissedandmiserableeverytimeIhavetofood-shop,becausemynaturaldefaultsettingisthatsituationslikethisarereallyallaboutme,aboutmyhungrinessandmyfatigueandmydesiretojustgethome,andit’sgoingtoseem,foralltheworld,likeeverybodyelseisjustinmyway,andwhothefuckareallthesepeopleinmyway?
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Andlookathowrepulsivemostofthemareandhowstupidandcow-likeanddead-eyedandnonhumantheyseemhereinthecheckoutline,orathowannoyingandrudeitisthatpeoplearetalkingloudlyoncellphonesinthemiddleoftheline,andlookathowdeeplyunfairthisis:I’veworkedreallyhardalldayandI’mstarvedandtiredandIcan’tevengethometoeatandunwindbecauseofallthesestupidgoddamnpeople.
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Or,ofcourse,ifI’minamoresociallyconscious,liberalartsformofmydefaultsetting,Icanspendtimeintheend-of-the-daytrafficjambeingangryanddisgustedatallthehuge,stupid,lane-blockingSUVsandHummersandV-12pickuptrucksburningtheirwasteful,selfish,forty-gallontanksofgas,andIcandwellonthefactthatthepatrioticorreligiousbumperstickersalwaysseemtobeonthebiggest,mostdisgustinglyselfishvehiclesdrivenbytheugliest,mostinconsiderateandaggressivedrivers,whoareusuallytalkingoncellphonesastheycutpeopleoffinordertogetjusttwentystupidfeetaheadinthetrafficjam,andIcanthinkabouthowourchildren’schildrenwilldespiseusforwastingallthefuture’sfuelandprobablyscrewinguptheclimate,andhowspoiledandstupidandselfishanddisgustingweallare,andhowitalljustsucks,andsoonandsoforth…
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Look,ifIchoosetothinkthisway,fine,lotsofusdo—exceptthatthinkingthiswaytendstobesoeasyandautomaticitdoesn’thavetobeachoice.
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Thinkingthiswayismynaturaldefaultsetting.
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It’stheautomatic,unconsciouswaythatIexperiencetheboring,frustrating,crowdedpartsofadultlifewhenI’moperatingontheautomatic,unconsciousbeliefthatIamthecenteroftheworldandthatmyimmediateneedsandfeelingsarewhatshoulddeterminetheworld’spriorities.
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Thethingisthatthereareobviouslydifferentwaystothinkaboutthesekindsofsituations.
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Inthistraffic,allthesevehiclesstuckandidlinginmyway:It’snotimpossiblethatsomeofthesepeopleinSUVshavebeeninhorribleautoaccidentsinthepastandnowfinddrivingsotraumaticthattheirtherapisthasallbutorderedthemtogetahuge,heavySUVsotheycanfeelsafeenoughtodrive;orthattheHummerthatjustcutmeoffismaybebeingdrivenbyafatherwhoselittlechildishurtorsickintheseatnexttohim,andhe’stryingtorushtothehospital,andhe’sinawaybigger,morelegitimatehurrythanIam—itisactuallyIwhoaminhisway.
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OrIcanchoosetoforcemyselftoconsiderthelikelihoodthateveryoneelseinthesupermarket’scheckoutlineisprobablyjustasboredandfrustratedasIam,andthatsomeofthesepeopleactuallyhavemuchharder,moretediousorpainfullivesthanIdo,overall.
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Andsoon.
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Again,pleasedon’tthinkthatI’mgivingyoumoraladvice,orthatI’msayingyouare“supposedto”thinkthisway,orthatanyoneexpectsyoutojustautomaticallydoit,becauseit’shard,ittakeswillandmentaleffort,andifyou’relikeme,somedaysyouwon’tbeabletodoit,orelseyoujustflat-outwon’twantto.
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Butmostdays,ifyou’reawareenoughtogiveyourselfachoice,youcanchoosetolookdifferentlyatthisfat,dead-eyed,over-made-upladywhojustscreamedatherkidinthecheckoutline—maybeshe’snotusuallylikethis;maybeshe’sbeenupthreestraightnightsholdingthehandofherhusband,who’sdyingofbonecancer,ormaybethisveryladyisthelow-wageclerkatthemotorvehiclesdepartmentwhojustyesterdayhelpedyourspouseresolveanightmarishred-tapeproblemthroughsomesmallactofbureaucratickindness.
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Ofcourse,noneofthisislikely,butit’salsonotimpossible—itjustdependswhatyouwanttoconsider.
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Ifyou’reautomaticallysurethatyouknowwhatrealityisandwhoandwhatisreallyimportant—ifyouwanttooperateonyourdefaultsetting—thenyou,likeme,probablywillnotconsiderpossibilitiesthataren’tpointlessandannoying.
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Butifyou’vereallylearnedhowtothink,howtopayattention,thenyouwillknowyouhaveotheroptions.
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Itwillactuallybewithinyourpowertoexperienceacrowded,hot,slow,consumer-hell-typesituationasnotonlymeaningful,butsacred,onfirewiththesameforcethatlitthestars—compassion,love,thesubsurfaceunityofallthings.
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Notthatthatmysticalstuff’snecessarilytrue:Theonlythingthat’scapital-TTrueisthatyougettodecidehowyou’regoingtotrytoseeit.
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This,Isubmit,isthefreedomofrealeducation,oflearninghowtobewell-adjusted:Yougettoconsciouslydecidewhathasmeaningandwhatdoesn’t.
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Yougettodecidewhattoworship….
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Becausehere’ssomethingelsethat’strue.
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Intheday-to-daytrenchesofadultlife,thereisactuallynosuchthingasatheism.
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Thereisnosuchthingasnotworshipping.
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Everybodyworships.
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Theonlychoicewegetiswhattoworship.
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Andanoutstandingreasonforchoosingsomesortofgodorspiritual-typethingtoworship—beitJ.C.orAllah,beitYahwehortheWiccanmother-goddessortheFourNobleTruthsorsomeinfrangiblesetofethicalprinciples—isthatprettymuchanythingelseyouworshipwilleatyoualive.
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Ifyouworshipmoneyandthings—iftheyarewhereyoutaprealmeaninginlife—thenyouwillneverhaveenough.
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Neverfeelyouhaveenough.
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It’sthetruth.
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Worshipyourownbodyandbeautyandsexualallureandyouwillalwaysfeelugly,andwhentimeandagestartshowing,youwilldieamilliondeathsbeforetheyfinallyplantyou.
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Ononelevelweallknowthisstuffalready—it’sbeencodifiedasmyths,proverbs,clichés,bromides,epigrams,parables:theskeletonofeverygreatstory.
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Thetrickiskeepingthetruthupfrontindailyconsciousness.
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Worshippower—youwillfeelweakandafraid,andyouwillneedevermorepoweroverotherstokeepthefearatbay.
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Worshipyourintellect,beingseenassmart—youwillendupfeelingstupid,afraud,alwaysonthevergeofbeingfoundout.
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Andsoon.
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Look,theinsidiousthingabouttheseformsofworshipisnotthatthey’reevilorsinful;itisthattheyareunconscious.
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Theyaredefaultsettings.
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They’rethekindofworshipyoujustgraduallyslipinto,dayafterday,gettingmoreandmoreselectiveaboutwhatyouseeandhowyoumeasurevaluewithouteverbeingfullyawarethatthat’swhatyou’redoing.
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Andtheso-called“realworld”willnotdiscourageyoufromoperatingonyourdefaultsettings,becausetheso-called“realworld”ofmenandmoneyandpowerhumsalongquitenicelyonthefueloffearandcontemptandfrustrationandcravingandtheworshipofself.
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Ourownpresentculturehasharnessedtheseforcesinwaysthathaveyieldedextraordinarywealthandcomfortandpersonalfreedom.
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Thefreedomalltobelordsofourtinyskull-sizedkingdoms,aloneatthecenterofallcreation.
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Thiskindoffreedomhasmuchtorecommendit.
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Butofcoursetherearealldifferentkindsoffreedom,andthekindthatismostpreciousyouwillnothearmuchtalkedaboutinthegreatoutsideworldofwinningandachievinganddisplaying.
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Thereallyimportantkindoffreedominvolvesattention,andawareness,anddiscipline,andeffort,andbeingabletrulytocareaboutotherpeopleandtosacrificeforthem,overandover,inmyriadpettylittleunsexyways,everyday.
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Thatisrealfreedom.
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Thatisbeingtaughthowtothink.
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Thealternativeisunconsciousness,thedefaultsetting,the“ratrace”—theconstant,gnawingsenseofhavinghadandlostsomeinfinitething.
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Iknowthatthisstuffprobablydoesn’tsoundfunandbreezyorgrandlyinspirationalthewayacommencementspeech’scentralstuffshouldsound.
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Whatitis,sofarasIcansee,isthetruth,withawholelotofrhetoricalbullshitparedaway.
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Obviously,youcanthinkofitwhateveryouwish.
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Butpleasedon’tdismissitassomefinger-waggingDr.Laurasermon.
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Noneofthisisaboutmorality,orreligion,ordogma,orbigfancyquestionsoflifeafterdeath.
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Thecapital-TTruthisaboutlifebeforedeath.
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Itisaboutmakingittothirty,ormaybeevenfifty,withoutwantingtoshootyourselfinthehead.
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Itisabouttherealvalueofarealeducation,whichhasnothingtodowithgradesordegreesandeverythingtodowithsimpleawareness—awarenessofwhatissorealandessential,sohiddeninplainsightallaroundus,thatwehavetokeepremindingourselvesoverandover:
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“Thisiswater.”
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“Thisiswater.”
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“TheseEskimosmightbemuchmorethantheyseem.”
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Itisunimaginablyhardtodothis—toliveconsciously,adultly,dayinanddayout.
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Whichmeansyetanotherclichéistrue:Youreducationreallyisthejobofalifetime,anditcommences—now.
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Iwishyouwaymorethanluck.
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DavidFosterWallacewrotetheacclaimednovelsInfiniteJestandTheBroomoftheSystemandthestorycollectionsOblivion,BriefInterviewswithHideousMen,andGirlwithCuriousHair.HisnonfictionincludestheessaycollectionsConsidertheLobsterandASupposedlyFunThingI’llNeverDoAgain,andthefull-lengthworkEverythingandMore.Hediedin2008.