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Difficult conversations
Geir Kalstad
Psychologist & Partner Conforte ans Telenor Satellite ServicesInternational Leadership Program2003 - 2004
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Definition: A conversation where the leaderseeks to communicate a message,
or to focus on a theme that feelsuncomfortable for the leader and / or the co-worker
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Examples Feedback
Not good enough work, bad behaviour,
alcohol Conversations focusing the relation
Bad relation concerning leader and co-worker? Conversations concerning change
adjustment, relocation, dismissal
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Why focus on this inleadership?
Many leaders underline this as a difficult part ofbeeing a leader A lot of energy will get lost if there is an unsolved
conflict going on in the organisation People may question the leaders efficiency if the
leader is not capable to execute a difficultconversation
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Postponing the difficult
conversation
Difficult conversationshave a use-by day Some difficult
conversations havebroken the use-byday The leader didnot execute theconversation in time
Best before11. 11. 03
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The leadership-role and the person
To analyse yourown role as aleader can beuseful to getsome distance tothe situation
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Look into new areas! The problem is not our actions it
is our thinking!
The conversation will reflect yourattitude towards human co-
operation!
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Each difficult conversation
is really 3 conversations
1. The what happendconversation
2. The feelings conversation
3. The identity conversation
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1. The what happendconversation
Focus towards; Truth Intention
Blame
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The first mistake: The truth -assumption
We seldom question our assumption I am rightand you are wrong!
Difficult conversations is almost never aboutgetting the facts right! It is about differentperspectives, interpretations and values. It is not
about the truth, it is about what is important.
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Different stories We all have different stories about the
situation because we interpret information inour own special way.
In difficult conversations, we usuallyexchange conclusions, without sharing what
our information is and how we interpret thisinformation
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The ladder of inferenceOur conclusions
Our observations
Our culture and values
Our way of thinking
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The 3-step rocket
a way to climb down theladder of inference
1. Your opinion
2. Your observations / data
3. Invitation to dialog
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ASDF
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The second mistake:
The intention invention We think we know the other persons intention,
without dooing so and even worse; when we arenot quite sure we often deside that the intentions arebad
Intentions are invisible We usually invent other peoples intentions without
asking them
Sometimes people act from complex intentions sometimes without intentions or no intentionsconcerning us and sometimes the intentions aregood, but we still feel hurt
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What is the focus in theconversation?
Intention Action Consequence
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The third mistake:The Blaming
Many difficult conversations have a lot of focus towardswho is to blame for what happend Blaming other people contribute to reactions of defence
When competent and smart people do stupid things, thesmartest thing to do is to clearify what tributed to this andhow we can prevent this to happen again
It is important to understand the difference between guiltand contribution
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Contribution is about
understanding and looks forward
Good questions to find the contributions; How did we both contribute to this situation?
what did we do or didn`t do, to make thishappend? When we have identified the contributions
how can we change this?
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2 tools to find contribution
Reversed roles Ask yourself; What would the other person
say about my contribution?
The insight of the observer Take one step back and look at the problem
from distance think of yourself as anconsultant how can you describe what ishappening ?
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We have to handle differentperspectives at the same time
- Express own experiences and opinions- Search for the other persons experience
and opinion- Acknowledge own and others experiences
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Explore
A r g u e
Vague
John Wayne
Avoid
Commonlearning
Little
Much
Much
h l dd f b
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The ladder of ambition
The message is delivered
The message isunderstood
The message isaccepted
The message isaccepted and themotivation established
The message leads toreal change
Gratitude and fullrecovery
LEVEL OF AMIBITION
Manage thebarricade to say it
Be clear, directand concrete
Get the recipient toacknowledge the problem, andto take responsibility for it
Stand firm on the subject
and soft on the person.Building relations
Focus on solutionsFollow-up
CHALLENGES
Bang & Lindholm
Diffi l i
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Difficult conversations
model of dialog Before the conversation
Thorough preperations
Consider thoroughly Entry
Establish contact Announcement be clear and concrete
Get to the point Establish rules for the conversation Describe what you know Describe possible consequenses if the problem continues
Exchange
Describe your feelings and reactions concerning the things you know Get the other person to describe their interpretation of the situation Ask as many questions as you need to understand the situation from
the other persons perspective Discuss possible solutions
Exit Summing up