drood script
TRANSCRIPT
THE SOLVE-IT-YOURSELF BROADWAY MUSICAL
BOOK, MUSIC, AND LYRICS BY RUPERT HOLMES
2
The Mystery of Edwin Drood
is forever dedicated to the lovely memory of
WENDY ISOBEL HOLMES
(1976-1986)
3Time: 1892
THE MUSIC HALL ROYALE
Programme for this evening:
Opening comments by Your Chairman, Mr. William Cartwrightimmediately followed by:
The Music Hall Royale’s Premiere Presentation of
THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD
Scenes:
ACT I: PROLOGUE
THE SITUATION
Scene 1 The home of John Jasper at Minor Canon Corner in the cathedral city of Cloisterham. A morning in late December.
Scene 2 The conservatory at The Nun’s House, a seminary for young women in the Cloisterham High Street. Later that morning.
Scene 3 The lair of the Princess Puffer in the East End of London. Dawn, the next day.
Scene 4 Cloisterham High Street. The following afternoon.
Scene 5 The graveyard of Cloisterham Cathedral. Early Christmas Eve. In front of curtain.
Scene 6 The home of John Jasper. A short time later.
Scene 7 Minor Canon Corner. Christmas Day. Stage of the Music Hall Royale.
ACT II ENTR’ACTE
THE SLEUTHS
Scene 1 Cloisterham Station. Six months later.
Scene 2 Minor Canon Corner Stage of The Music Hall Royale
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THE VOTING
Stage of the Music Hall Royale
immediately followed by:
THE SOLUTION
Cloisterham High Street, near the Cathedral. Dawn.
5
Cast(in order of appearance)
for The Music Hall Royale:
Mr. Thomas Purcell, maestro of The Music Hall Royale Orchestra
Mr. William Cartwright, Chairman
Mr. James Throttle, Stage Manager and Barkeep_________________________________________________________________
JOHN JASPER Mr. Clive PagetEDWIN DROOD Miss Alice NuttingROSA BUD Miss Deirdre PeregrineWENDY (non-speaking) Miss Isobel YearsleyBEATRICE (non-speaking) Miss Florence GillHELENA LANDLESS Miss Janet ConoverNEVILLE LANDLESS Mr. Victor GrinsteadTHE REVEREND MR. CRISPARKLE Mr. Cedric MoncrieffeTHE PRINCESS PUFFER Miss Angela PrysockMAYOR THOMAS SAPSEA Mr. James HitchensDURDLES Mr. Nick CrickerDEPUTY Master Nick CrickerFLO Miss Florence GillSHADE OF DROOD (dancer) Mr. Harry SayleSHADE OF JASPER (dancer) Mr. Montague PruittCLIENTS OF PUFFER (dancers) Mr. Alan Eliot Mr. Christopher LyonSUCCUBAE (dancers) Miss Gwendolen Pynn Miss Sarah Cook Miss Florence Gill Miss Isabel YearsleySATYR (dancer) Master Nick CrickerWAITER Mr. Phillip BaxMAIDS (non-speaking) Miss Violet Balfour Miss Gwendolen PynnHORACE Mr. Nicolas MichaelBAZZARD Mr. Phillip BaxDICK DATCHERY ????????
CITIZENS OF CLOISTERHAM Miss Violet Balfour Mr. Philip Bax Miss Sarah Cook Mr. Alan Eliot Miss Florence Gill Mr. Christopher Lyon Mr. Nicholas Michael Mr. Medford Moss Mr. Montague Pruitt Miss Gwendolen Pynn Mr. Harry Sayle Mr. James Throttle Miss Isabel Yearsley6
THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD
Musical Synopsis:
ACT I
1. “THERE YOU ARE” — Chairman & Company
2. “TWO KINSMEN” — Drood & Jasper
3. “MOONFALL” — Rosa
4. “THE WAGES OF SIN” — Puffer
5. “JASPER’S VISION” — Ballet
6. “A BRITISH SUBJECT” — Helena, Neville, Drood, Rosa, Crisparkle, with Ensemble
7. “BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN” — Jasper & Chairman with Ensemble
8. “PERFECT STRANGERS” — Drood and Rosa
9. “NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD” — Neville, Rosa, Helena, Drood, Crisparkle, Jasper & Bazzard
10. “NEVER THE LUCK” — Bazzard with Ensemble
11. “OFF TO THE RACES” — Chairman, Durdles & Deputy, with Company
ACT II
12. “ENGLAND REIGNS” — Chairman with Ensemble — [optional number]
13. “A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION” — Datchery & Puffer with Ensemble
14. “THE NAME OF LOVE & MOONFALL” [Reprise] — Rosa & Jasper, with Company
15. “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD” — Puffer & Company
16. “THE GARDEN PATH” — Puffer
17. “PUFFER’S REVELATION” — Puffer
18. “OUT ON A LIMERICK” — Helena, or Bazzard, or Neville, or Crisparkle or Rosa
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-2- Musical Synopsis
19. “JASPER’S CONFESSION” — Jasper
20. “MURDERER’S CONFESSION” — Helena, or Bazzard, or Neville, or Crisparkle, or Rosa, or Puffer, or Durdles
21. “PERFECT STRANGERS” [Duet — Reprise] — Rosa, or Helena, or Puffer with Bazzard, or Neville, or Crisparkle, or Durdles, or Sapsea, or Jasper, or Deputy, with Company
22. “THE WRITING ON THE WALL” — Drood, with Company
23. BOWS — “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD” — Company
24. EXIT — Orchestra
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ACT I — PROLOGUE
(LONDON. THE TIME IS THE PRESENT: 1892. As the audience take their seats, the members of the COMPANY mingle with them in the aisles, welcoming them to The Music Hall Royale and explaining how the voting for tonight’s performance will take place, raising their voices until the theatre is quite ababble.
THOMAS PURCELL, conductor, raises his arms, poised like a tightrope artist, then assaults the air as the orchestra gives a fanfare and commences a musical vamp.
The COMPANY members direct the audience’s attention to the stage, where we discover WILLIAM CARTWRIGHT, CHAIRMAN of The Music Hall Royale, in the company of several dancers.)
1. “THERE YOU ARE”
CHAIRMANWHAT’S A KING WITHOUT HIS CROWN?TAKE AWAY HIS THRONE AND GOWN,HE COULD BE THE RABBLE OR THE RUSSIAN CZAR.JUDGE EACH CREATURE OF OUR RACEBY EACH FEATURE IN HIS FACE.LOOK AT HIM — (I REST MY CASE), WELL THERE YOU ARE!
AND IT MATTERS NOT TO ME WHAT PART OF TOWN YOU’VE COME FROM;WE BUT CHEER YOU’VE MADE IT HERE AT ALL!HERE WITHIN THIS GARISH PARISH CALLED THE MUSIC HALL... AND
CHAIRMAN & COMPANY (From theatre aisles)THERE YOU ARE!
CHAIRMANHOW VERY GLAD WE ARE THAT
CHAIRMAN & COMPANYTHERE YOU ARE!
CHAIRMANIT ISN’T WHO YOU ARE BUT
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1-P-2 CHAIRMAN & COMPANYWHERE YOU ARE,AND THERE YOU ARE,AND GRATEFUL ARE WE TO SEE
CHAIRMANHOW FINE AND
CHAIRMAN & COMPANYFAIR YOU ARE!THERE YOU ARE!
CHAIRMANAngela! Angela, my dear, are you out there?
PRYSOCK [If from Box:]I’m up here in the Royale Box, Bill!
PRYSOCK [If from aisle:]I’m finally walking down the aisle, Bill!
CHAIRMANAh, there you are! And who’s that with you then?
PRYSOCKI HAVE NOTICED A TALL GENTWHO SEEMS SIGULARLY BENTUPON FINDING ENOUGH ROOM TO PLACE HIS KNEES!
CHAIRMANAlice!
NUTTING (From another part of the theatre)I’M CONSIDERING A CHAPWHO JUST WOKE UP FROM A NAPFOR WHICH SIN I FEEL HE MUST DESERVE A TEASE!
CHAIRMANClive!
PAGET (From the stalls)I’VE A LADY DOWN IN FRONT WHOSE FACE IS QUITE FAMILIAR… (I COULD USE A RIDE BACK HOME TONIGHT.)
CHAIRMANVictor!
GRINSTEADAND THESE LOVELY PEOPLE WILL BRAVO ME MORE OR LESS!
CHAIRMANDeirdre!
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1-P-3 PEREGRINE (From the other aisle)AND THIS GENTLEMAN’S BEEN FLIRTING WITH THE LADY ON HIS RIGHT!
CHAIRMAN & COMPANYTHERE YOU ARE!HOW DISTINGUE AND DEBONAIR YOU ARE...JUST SLIGHTLY WEST OF LEICESTER SQUARE YOU AREYES, THERE YOU ARE!THAT THANKFUL WE ALL SHOULD BE FOR WELL-AWARE WE ARE.SO LIGHTENING QUICK LET’S ALL KICK UP A FUSS!WE CAN BUT PRAY YOUR TRUST IS BLIND IN US. (All members of the COMPANY join the CHAIRMAN on stage)SO TAKE YOUR FILL AND JUST UNWIND IN US!A WARMLY WICKED FRAME OF MIND IN USYOU’LL FIND IN US.
WE WANT YOU AND NOT A LOT WE CARE FOR WHERE YOU’VE BEEN,AND NOT A JOT WE CARE HOW YOU GOT IN:WE BUT CARE THAT THERE YOU ARE! (Shouted!)DAMNED IF THERE YOU ARE!
(The CHAIRMAN goes immediately into his introductory remarks. HE is instantly and indisputably in charge of both the moment and the evening)*
CHAIRMANThank you, thank you so very much! Good evening and welcome, a very warm welcome to all of you on this most thrilling of evenings here at The Music Hall Royale.
ACT I — THE SITUATION
Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight we have the privilege of presenting for your approval the premiere performances of... (THROTTLE raps his gavel)The Mystery... (Two sharp raps of same)
*[Theoretically, the Chairman is present on stage for the entire show, watching the proceedings with interest and amusement, and leading the audience’s applause (except during the voting or his own numbers). Practically, he will probably need a break, which he can take in several of the long stretches that do not require his presence: the ballet, the graveyard scene through the end of the dinner scene..., etc. His reappearance as narrator from some unexpected part of the stage or theatre can be most dramatic.]
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CHAIRMAN & COMPANYOf Edwin Droooood! (A final rap)
CHAIRMANThis being a Musicale with Dramatic Interludes. Now, as you are no doubt aware, our own Mr. Charles Dickens was full halfway through the creation of The Greatest Mystery Novel Of Our Time, when he committed the one ungenerous deed of his noble career: He Died, leaving behind not the slightest hint as to the outcome he had intended for his bizarre and uncompleted puzzle: The Mystery Of Edwin Drood. (Orchestra begins a stately theme)Tonight, however, ladies and gentlemen, when together we reach that point in our story beyond which Charles Dickens wrote No More, I shall be asking you to Vote upon key questions regarding the outcome of our plot. Our company will then make its most earnest effort to meet this supreme challenge: to contrive An Ending in Accordance with Your Specifications. (PURCELL cuts off orchestra)So come on, everyone! Kick off your boots, loosen your corsets…and enjoy yourselves! (The COMPANY heartily endorses his suggestion. Then, looking down front at an audience member) Not that much, madam.
12 1-P-5 CHAIRMAN
So let us proceed with this evening’s bill of fare: for the first time ever, the completed musical rendition of... (Gavel once)The Mystery... (Gavel twice)
CHAIRMAN & COMPANYOf Edwin Drood!! (A final rap and orchestra Gothic fanfare as the COMPANY exists)
CHAIRMANCloisterham! The ancient, moldering cathedral city of Cloisterham! Not a particularly encouraging setting for the Christmas season now upon us. A wintry shudder goes through the giant elms as they shed a gush of tears.
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1-1-6 ACT I Scene 1
(MINOR CANON CORNER in the cathedral city of Cloisterham. A morning in late December.
The curtains part to reveal the home of JOHN JASPER, within which rests a portrait of ROSA BUD)
CHAIRMANAnd here we are in the home of Mr. John Jasper, choirmaster of Cloisterham Cathedral.
(Music segues to a hymn. Enter JASPER in scarf, robe and cassock)
Choirmaster, composer, organist, and vocal instructor, John Jasper is blessed with a voice the angels themselves might envy. (Ecclesiastical music stops.)
Insert: “A Man Could Go Quite Mad”
(CHAIRMAN continues boldly) CHAIRMANWho, dear ladies and gentlemen, more suited to assay the role of John Jasper than that gifted vocalist himself, your very own MR. CLIVE PAGET!
(Gavel bang. Brassy fanfare and huzzahs from the shills. PAGET/JASPER is obviously the principle male for The Theatre Royale. With total disregard of the character HE is portraying, PAGET acknowledges the ensuing applause with a rakish smile, displaying several sets of teeth. As the orchestra strikes a resounding chord, PAGET instantly steps back into character)
CHAIRMANJohn Jasper eagerly awaits the arrival of his beloved nephew, and the title character of our evening’s diversion, young Edwin Drood!
DROOD (Off)Hallo uncle!
JASPERWhy, there’s the lad now! (DROOD appears, framed in the doorway)
DROODMy dear uncle! (THEY embrace. Tableau)
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CHAIRMAN (Stepping forward)Yes, ladies and gentlemen, your eyes do not deceive you. A warm round of applause if you will for tonight’s guest artiste and London’s leading actress! Tonight she hides her distinctive form beneath the garb of young Edwin Drood. Ladies and gentlemen: Miss Alice Nutting!
(Fanfare as CHAIRMAN leads applause, then retires as DROOD/NUTTING breaks her embrace with JASPER, bows winsomely. She wears cap and trousers, to charming effect. We are smitten)
DROODAny dinner, Uncle?
JASPER (Pouring glasses of sherry)You forgot, Ned, that “Uncle” and “Nephew” are words prohibited here by express agreement.
DROOD (Accepting sherry from JASPER)Of course you’re right, John. After all, we do have only a half dozen years or so between our ages. (JASPER starts to sip)Hallo, Jack! Don’t drink yet! I must propose a toast.
JASPERA toast to what, Ned?
DROODHe asks to what! (Turns to portrait)To Rosa.
JASPER (Faintly)Rosa.
DROODTo the fair Miss Rosa Bud. Surely you’ve not forgotten that Rosa and I are soon to be wed?
JASPERIt has not quite slipped my mind.
DROODYes, a tedious ceremony in your creaking cathedral, John, then off with my wonderfully pretty child-bride to dusty Egypt, where I intend to shake things up a bit!
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1-1-8 JASPERIt is certain, then? Egypt seems a desperate great distance.
DROODIndeed it is, John. (Noticing portrait of ROSA)This portrait of Rosa is not one of my better efforts, Jack, yet you choose to hang it here. In heavens name, why?
JASPERBecause it reminds me of... you, Ned. And of the happiness I wish you and Rosa.
DROOD (Moodily)Oh, I’m sure we’ll be quite happy...though our courtship suffers from an unavoidable flatness, owing to the fact that my dead and gone father and her dead and gone father had as good as married us at birth. Why the devil couldn’t they have left us alone?
JASPERTut, tut, dear boy —
DROODTut, tut? Yes, it’s all very well for you, Jack. You have the freedom to love whomsoever you choose.
(DROOD stops himself, alarmed by something HE sees in JASPER’s face)
JASPERDon’t stop, dear fellow, do go on.
DROODHave I hurt your feelings, John?
JASPERHow could you have hurt my feelings?
(HE immediately staggers back against whatever furniture will support him)
DROODGood heavens, Jack, you look frightfully ill! There’s a strange film come over your eyes! JASPER (Forcing a smile and straightening himself)I — I have been taking — medicine for a pain — an agony that overcomes me. I’ve been forced of late to seek — treatment in London. Fear not, the effects will soon be gone.
DROODMy dear Uncle!
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1-1-9 JASPERThen take it as a warning! And Ned...Edwin...this is a confidence between us.
DROODIt shall be sacredly preserved, John.
JASPERI have confided in you because —
DROODBecause we are fast friends, and because you love and trust me as I love and trust you! Both hands, Jack! (THEY clasp crossed hands)
2. “TWO KINSMEN”
DROODMY DEAREST UNCLE JACK!
JASPERMY DEAREST NEPHEW NED!
BOTHA LIFE WITHOUT YOUR FRIENDSHIP WOULD BE LIFE AS GOOD AS DEAD!
JASPERTHE WINDS ABOUT MAY BLOW,BUT AS YOU WELL MAY KNOW,I’LL HEED YOUR CALL,NO NEED TOO SMALL,AND FACE THE FIRE BELOWFOR YOU!
DROODFOR YOU!
JASPERFOR YOU!
DROODFOR YOU!
BOTHTWO KINSMEN, MORE THAN BROTHERS!WE KNOW NO NEXT OF KINAND YET WE KNOW NO OTHERS CLOSER ‘NEATH THE SKIN.THE BLOOD THAT FLOWS BETWEEN US,THE BONDS THAT TIE US TWAIN;TWO KINSMEN WHEN ALL OTHERS FLEETHEN WE REMAIN!
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1-1-10 JASPERMY DEAREST NEPHEW NED!
DROODMY DEAREST UNCLE JACK!IF MEN SAY WORDS AGAINST YOU, I WOULD MAKE THEM TAKE THEM BACK!A LOYAL LAD AM IWHO’D BE BUT GLAD TO DIE,IF BY MY DEATHONE EXTRA BREATH OF LIFE FOR YOU I’D BUY.‘TIS TRUE!
JASPER‘TIS TRUE!
DROODFOR YOU!
JASPERFOR YOU!
BOTHTWO KINSMEN, MORE THAN BROTHERS!WE KNOW NO NEXT OF KINAND YET WE KNOW NO OTHERS CLOSER ‘NEATH THE SKIN.THE BLOOD THAT FLOWS BETWEEN US,THE BONDS THAT TIE US TWAIN;TWO KINSMEN WHEN ALL OTHERS FLEETHEN WE REMAIN!
DROOD‘TIS TRUE!
JASPER‘TIS TRUE!
DROODFOR YOU!
JASPERFOR YOU!
BOTHTRUE KINSMEN ARE WE TWO!
CHAIRMANMiss Alice Nutting and Mr. Clive Paget, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, thank you indeed for that splendid duo!
(The two acknowledge audience and CHAIRMAN’s applause, then exit together as the curtain closes. 18
1-1-11 CHAIRMAN (continued)At these prices, two voices at the same time seems almost an embarrassment of riches…although looking at some of you down here, I doubt that you’d be embarrassed by much.
But to continue our story: (Music: underscoring starts)Young Edwin Drood is visiting Cloisterham to offer his regards to his bride-to-be, the fair Miss Rosa Bud, who, like Drood, is an orphan. Rosa resides at Cloisterham’s most respectable seminary for young ladies, aptly if not correctly named, “The Nun’s House.”
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1-2-12 ACT I
Scene 2
(A seminary for young women in Cloisterham High Street. Later than morning.
Curtain opens to reveal the conservatory of The Nun’s House, a charming room with a piano to one side near French windows, beyond which are trellises and a hint of foliage)
CHAIRMANLadies and gentleman, in the part of Rosa Bud this evening, that most delicate of English roses, that blossoming bud, (Music out)the unspeakably lovely Deirdre Peregrine!
(Music: fanfare. PEREGRINE/ROSA rushes out of the set and towards us. SHE curtsies and returns to the other GIRLS, WENDY & BEATRICE, with whom SHE giggles on cue for no apparent reason. JASPER enters briskly,
music manuscript in hand)
JASPERRosa, the happiest of birthdays to you! I only pray I may be able to say these words on each of your birthdays.
ROSAI fear — I fear that is not likely, since, as you know, your own nephew Edwin and I will be departing for Egypt once we are married.
JASPERIt was only a wish, Rosa.
(JASPER glares at the other GIRLS who runs from the room)How lovely you look! I have awaited your birthday with eagerness.
ROSAEagerness, Mr. Jasper?
JASPERYes, your voice will no longer be as subject to the fluctuations of adolescence. And in what condition is your voice today, my dear?
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1-2-13 ROSAAs my tutor, perhaps that question should best be answered by you, Mr. Jasper. Shall I sing the Mozart?
JASPERNo. (Handing her a manuscript)I have composed a song especially for you, my loveliest subject, on the occasion of your birthday. A choirmaster’s pay being what it is, my Life’s Blood is the most I can afford to offer.
ROSASir, I — (SHE reads the music)Mr. Jasper, I cannot sing these words. It would not appear proper.
JASPERWhy, whatever do you mean?
ROSAI do not — I am not worthy of it.
JASPERAs your music master, that should be my decision. From the beginning, please.
(SHE commences, and there is tremendous tension, almost fear in her voice, as SHE watches JASPER watching her)
3. “MOONFALL”
BETWEEN THE VERY DEAD OF NIGHT AND DAY,WITHIN A STEELY WASH OF LIGHT, I’LL LAY,AND IN THE MOONFALL, I’LL GIVE MYSELF TO YOU.I’LL BATHE IN MOONFALL, AND DRESS MYSELF IN DEW.
BEFORE THE CLOAK OF NIGHT REVEALS THE MORN,TIME HOLDS ITS BREATH WHILE IT CONCEALS THE DAWN,AND IN THE MOONFALL, ALL SOUND IS FROZEN STILL.YET WARM AGAINST ME, YOUR BODY WARMS THE CHILL OF
MOONFALL.I FEEL ITS FINGERS.LINGERS THE VEIL OF NIGHTSHADE,LIGHT MADE FROM STARS THAT ALL-TO-SOON FALL,MOONFALL THAT POURS FROM YOU.
BETWIXT OUR HEARTS, LET NOTHING INTERVENE.BETWEEN OUR EYES, THE ONLY SIGHT I’VE SEENIS LUST’ROUS MOONFALL AS IT BLINDS MY VIEW,SO THAT SOON I ONLY SEE BUT YOU.
(ROSA returns to the piano, where SHE is near-hysterical from her emotional ordeal)
21
1-2-14 JASPERThat was lovely, Rosa.
ROSAThank you, sir.
JASPERBut “lovely” will not do. When you sing the words, you must make me feel you mean them! Once again, if you please.
(As HE plays the introduction again, HELENA and NEVILLE LANDLESS and CRISPARKLE enter and listen with the interest as ROSA struggles to sing)
ROSA (Quavering with fear)“BETWEEN THE VERY DEAD OF NIGHT AND DAY... UPON A STEELY SHEET...”I can’t bear this! I’m frightened! Take me away!
(SHE collapses. HELENA impulsively reaches for her and holds her consolingly. NEVILLE, a deeply tanned young man, keeps his distance but is obviously fascinated by ROSA and puzzled by JASPER, who is virtually frozen at the piano. HELENA eases ROSA into a chair, advising the others in an unplaceable Eastern accent ripe with curry and chutney:)
HELENAIt’s nothing. It’s all over. Don’t speak to her for a minute, and she’ll be well.
CRISPARKLEShe’s not used to an audience. Besides, Mr. Jasper, you are such a conscientious master that I believe you make her afraid of you. No wonder.
HELENANo wonder.
CRISPARKLE (Trying to make a joke)You’d be afraid of him under similar circumstances, wouldn’t you, Miss Landless? (Chord)
HELENA (Significantly)Not under any circumstances. (Chord)
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1-2-15 CHAIRMAN (Aside to audience)Ladies and gentlemen, our own fiery spirit, the unpredictable Miss Janet Conover!
(Hindu fanfare. SHE crosses to center stage and gives a Balinese bow to the audience as the other actors join the audience in applauding her. SHE then leads ROSA up to the French windows for air)
JASPERGood afternoon, Reverend Crisparkle.
CRISPARKLEOh, good afternoon, Mr. Jasper, and may I introduce young Neville Landless. He and his twin sister, Helena, have both arrived from Ceylon, where they no longer have any family. Neville has been entrusted to my care, and Helena will be living here at The Nun’s House.
JASPER(Adopting his most amenable face, JASPER assumes that NEVILLE has little mastery if English, and speaks to him laboriously, as if to the deaf, using hand gestures to convey his meaning)
Welcome to Cloisterham, Mr. Landless.
CRISPARKLEI’m afraid young Master Neville has been given over to me to calm his rather hot-tempered nature... and to help him make a new beginning here in Cloisterham.
JASPER (Still as if to a child)You and your sister (Scans with eyes)Lost your parents (Pulls out and taps his pocket watch)Recently, Mr. Landless?
CRISPARKLE(Answering for NEVILLE, and falling in with JASPER’s “indicating”)
Their... (Rocking a baby)Mother Died... (More of the same)....when they were quite Young. Now their... (Searches mind, finally stamps foot emphatically)...Step-father has crossed over the well.
JASPERI’m most sorry.
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1-2-16 NEVILLEThere is no need for you bright gentlemen to console me. As it happens, it was well my stepfather died when he did, or I might have killed him. (Ominous chord)
CHAIRMANThe newest member of our company, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Victor Grinstead! (Fanfare. GRINSTEAD bows, preening in the applause)
NEVILLE (To CRISPARKLE)I surprise you, sir?
CRISPARKLEYou shock me, unspeakably shock me.
NEVILLEYou never saw him beat my sister. My stepfather was a brute, Mr. Jasper. In desperation, Helena tried on more than one occasion to flee his cruel and misery hand, even disguising herself as a boy. But to no avail. As for myself, I have had, from my earliest remembrances, to subdue a deadly and bitter hatred, which has made me secret and revengeful. (Music: revengeful sting)
CRISPARKLEI say!
NEVILLE (To CRISPARKLE)However, sir, your kindness and goodwill have deeply moved me. I pledge to change my ill-tempered ways, and break new ground for myself.
CRISPARKLEThere’s the lad! He’ll soon blend in, Mr. Jasper.
NEVILLE (Regarding ROSA)Your pupil, Mr. Jasper: she sings beautifully.
JASPERThank you.
NEVILLEYour efforts have not been without success.
JASPERI trust so, Mr. Landless.
24 1-2-17
NEVILLEAnd may I inquire if your relationship extends beyond that of pupil and master?
CRISPARKLEHeavens, no, Neville! Miss Bud is betrothed to young Edwin Drood, Mr. Jasper’s nephew.
JASPERYou’d do well to cast your eyes and interests in other directions, sir.
NEVILLEI beg your pardon, Mr. Jasper.
JASPER (Regarding NEVILLE with caution)No pardon is necessary. However, I must be off. Choir practice, I fear. I wish you well in your new life, Mr. Landless.
NEVILLEThank you, thank you indeed, Mr. Jasper. (Meaningfully)I trust we shall meet again.
(Indicating trilling from the orchestra as HE watches JASPER exit RIGHT; then, turning to CRISPARKLE:)
And I should like to meet this... Drood... and see what sort of a man is worthy of the affection of Miss Bud.
CRISPARKLESteady, lad. Steady.
(As THEY exit, CRISPARKLE looks in the direction of JASPER’s departing with suspicion... or perhaps suspiciously. Orchestra quietly reprises “MOONFALL”)
HELENAYou are feeling better now, aren’t you?
ROSAOh, much, thank you.
HELENAThese surroundings, which may seem very secure to you, are new and unsettling to me. You will be my friend, won’t you?
ROSAI will be as good a friend as I can be.
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1-2-18
HELENAWho is Mr. Jasper?
ROSA (Turning away)My Edwin’s uncle, and my music...master.
HELENAYou know that he loves you?
ROSA (Fearfully)Oh don’t! Don’t! He terrifies me. I feel I am never safe from him. He has made a slave of me with his looks...forced me to keep silent without his uttering a single threat.
(As SHE speaks, SHE unconsciously tears the manuscript of “MOONFALL” that Jasper has given her)
HELENACareful. You are tearing Mr. Jasper’s composition.
ROSAIt is of no matter: I do not intend to sing it again.
(The two exit as the curtain closes, ROSA handing the CHAIRMAN the music as SHE does so. HE peruses the song.)
CHAIRMAN (To audience)Oh, I’m sure we’ll have at least one reprise of this before we’re finished, don’t you think? (Music fades out)But we now step from the chaste sanctity of The Nun’s House and travel, for reasons which will soon become clear, to the wickedest corner of the wickedest hole in the fabric of the City of London. Below the street, and beneath contempt, lies the dark kingdom of the Princess Puffer!
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28 1-3-19
ACT I
Scene 3
(The lair of the PRINCESS PUFFER in the East End of London. Dawn, the next day.
Sinister oriental fanfare as we see a chamber of smoke, with a cheap iron bed (or beds) and discarded furniture and shipping crates. Comatose bodies lie about, illuminated by a ghastly light that reflects off the Thames and seeps through barred windows located in the high ceiling. In front of all this, silhouetted in a stylized pose with her back to the audience, is the Princess Puffer.)
CHAIRMANHere the lowest, most desperate and degenerate element of London’s East End seek escape from a reality so sordid I would never dream of offending your gentle ears with the details. Suffice it to say that the East End is a dark home to depravity, and the den of the Princess Puffer is the sort of establishment even most of the residents of the East End avoid. And reigning supreme over this blemish on England’s fair complexion is the Princess Puffer, who ministers to her clients’ needs and who hears more than she tells…portrayed this evening by the Grand Dame of the Music Hall Royale…that good woman of ill-repute…your very own and beloved: Miss Angela Pryshock!
(As fanfare sounds, PRYSHOCK/PUFFER whirls on audience, greeting them with outstretched arms and a triumphantly inspired howl of joy. NOTE: Following number is played to, and preferably within audience; scrim, curtain or lighting change should be used to “remove” background from audience’s view until end of number)
4 “THE WAGES OF SIN”
PRINCESS PUFFER“CRIME DON’T PAY!” THAT’S WOT I TELLS ‘EM.IF IT DID, WOULD I BE HERE?MIXIN’ CURES, WOT THEN I SELLS ‘EMFOR MY STORES OF ROTTEN BEERTHROATS YOU CUT TO POCKET THRUPPENCE,DOORS YOU SHUT, TO COP SOME SLEEP.BASH A FACE FOR BLEEDING TUPPENCE…PURE DISGRACE TO WORK SO CHEAP.
27 1-3-20 PRINCESS PUFFER (continued)SO I SAY, DON’T BE A SINNERFOR THE PRICE OF LONDON GINYOU CAN’T PAY FOR ONE SQUARE DINNERWITH THE WAGES OF SIN.SELL ME SOUL? ‘COR LOVE, COME OFF IT!WHO WOULD BUY THIS SACK OF SKIN?ON THE WHOLE THERE AIN’T MUCH PROFITIN THE WAGES OF SIN, IN THE WAGES OF SIN,IN THE WAGES OF SIN!
(Break in music. Could be used for ad lib chat with audience, or cut.)
I’VE SEEN GIRLS FROM GUTTER FAM’LIESTRAP RICH MEN WITH FLUTT’RY WAYSAND THEY COO, “COR, PASS THE JAM PLEASE”OVER NUPTIAL BREAKFAST TRAYS.OVER THERE, IN BED ELEVEN, SLEEPS A BLEEDIN’ HYPOCRITE.SPENDS HIS DAYS, EYES CAST TO ‘EAVEN.SPENDS HIS NIGHTS AMONGST THIS SH—
CHAIRMAN(Interrupting, suddenly) –Madam!
PUFFEROh, I do beg your pardon! Sorry, I didn’t mean to – it won’t happen again, I promise. Now, where was I?
S’WHY I SAY, DON’T TAKE HALF-MEASURES.DO THINGS RIGHT, AND DIG RIGHT IN!IN THIS WORLD, THERE’S GREATER TREASURESTHAN THE WAGES OF SIN.I GET THREATS, BUT SELDOM OFFERS.(IF I DID, I’D PACK IT IN.)YOU CAN’T FILL TOO MANY COFFERSWITH THE WAGES OF SIN –
(She calls to the back rows:)Give your old love some help with the last line then:
ALL (PUFFER AND AUDIENCE)WITH THE WAGES OF SIN.
PUFFEROh, bloody ‘ell. You can do better than that! Get off your bums and give us the notes:
ALL (PUFFER, AUDIENCE AND COMPANY)WITH THE WAGES OF SIN!
28 1-3-21
PUFFERGod love you! God bless you all!
(She blows kisses to ALL and returns from the footlights to the background scene which is re-revealed either by curtain or lighting. Eerie music starts softly.
CHAIRMANThe meanest room in London! And as the light of day steals into the room, would not the parishioners of Cloisterham be astounded to discover, in Bed Eleven, the goodly choirmaster of Cloisterham Cathedral –
(Shooting bolt upright from beneath the blanket of the bed nearest the audience, his eyes quite wild, is:)
Mr. John Jasper! (Hissing from available cast members)
JASPERWoman! I need laudanum wine, and quickly…My task is only half finished, and your medicine is less potent than usual.
PUFFER (Gets up to prepare laudanum)Laudanum! I’ll fix it for you now.
JASPERYes. Yes. Before I can get to the changes of color and the great landscapes, I must be rid of him.
PUFFERWhat? Who? (An apparition of DROOD appears.)
JASPERHim! Him! (He drinks wine offered by PUFFER.)
PUFFERGod spare you, there’s no one there.
JASPERThere he is! (An apparition of JASPER appears.)And there I am!
PUFFERYes, yes, of course. Now be still and have yourself a pleasant journey.
(A dramatic proclamation from the orchestra. Music continues eerily.)
1-3-22 29
5 “JASPER’S VISION” – BALLET
(PUFFER resumes her seat as the two SHADES begin a languid, sinuous struggle to the death, as if each end of the same snake were trying to choke the other. JASPER watches in fascination as the SHADE OF JASPER strangles the SHADE OF DROOD. Then additional SHADES, spill out onto the floor and dance with the DENIZENS of PUFFER’s lair and of JASPER’S hallucinating mind. As the MUSIC builds to a peak, the SHADES and DENIZENS return from whence they came, so that when the MUSIC stops, we are back to the reality of PUFFER’s lair.)
JASPER…quickly, more laudanum or she will fade...Rosa...Rosa...Rosa Bud!
(As he cries out her name, all music and dance cease, and JASPER collapses on the bed, mumbling)
Rosa…Rosa Bud! (PUFFER starts visibly)
PUFFERWhat did you say? Did you say Rosa Bud? (Music cut off)
JASPER (Completely changed)I can’t seem to recall what I said. Could you please direct me to the railway station? I seem to be lost.
PUFFERFive and thruppence you owes me.
JASPERThat seems a large sum for a small courtesy. However, if you are that needy… (He pays her)And the railway station?
PUFFERThe nearest is in Aldgate, ten minutes of a walk away from the river.
JASPERI thank you. (He looks around.)Incredible. (He exits. PUFFER looks after him.)
PUFFERWho are you then? And what are you?
30 1-3-23
(She turns to exit, as do several of the DENIZENS of her lair, who drop character as they leave, their “turn” done. Spotlight his CHAIRMAN, who appears from side of stage.)
CHAIRMAN (To audience)I wonder how many of you noticed that meaningful statement. That sounded suspiciously like a clue to me. Might we have it again, my dear?
(Pryshock, almost off stage, looks back enquiringly at CHAIRMAN.)
Yes, once more, please.(She gladly rushes back to her earlier mark, and DENIZENS, seeing this, fling themselves back to their earlier rigidly comatose positions as well.)
PUFFER (Exactly as before)Who are you then? And what are you? (PUFFER exits again as curtain closes.)
CHAIRMANWhat indeed! But it is now the following day and as we return to less sordid surroundings, we meet Cloisterham’s leading citizen, MAYOR THOMAS SAPSEA.
31 1-4-24 ACT I Scene 4
(Downstage of curtain set to disclose Cloisterham High Street on cue. The following afternoon.
HIGH STREET fanfare as CRISPARKLE & TOWNSPEOPLE enter, fanfare concludes)
CRISPARKLEGood afternoon, Mayor Sapsea!
(THEY extend their arms towards the wings where SAPSEA is supposed to enter. HE doesn’t. An awkward moment. THROTTLE, the stage manager, appears from behind the curtain, prompt book in hand, and has a hurried word in CHAIRMAN’s ear. As he does so, “townspeople” drop character and view following proceedings as the interested and eventually annoyed Victorian actors they currently are)
CHAIRMAN (Complains to THROTTLE)...really? With a sack of what? Well, it’s unacceptable, isn’t it? But you’ll notice once again who gets saddled with the— (To audience)Ladies and gentlemen, your kind indulgence for a short announcement: The part of Mayor Sapsea will not, I repeat, will not, be portrayed tonight by Mr. James Hitchens, as is stated in your programme. It will come to no surprise to our regular patrons that Mr. Hitchens is once again massively indisposed, due to injuries he received while fighting for a lady’s honor. (Aside) Apparently the lady wished to keep it. (Back to formal tone) And so his part will be portrayed this evening by your own humble chairman and obedient servant. I refer of course, ladies and gentlemen, to myself, Mr. William Cartwright. I hope this last-minute substitution meets with your approval?
(He begs for applause, which is led by on-stage actors, who are thrilled that a pro like Cartwright is taking over the role. THEY exit as CHAIRMAN continues:)
And I might add, it’s more your luck than mine.(HIGH STREET fanfare again as HELENA and NEVILLE enter and CHARIMAN/SAPSEA exits.)
32
1-4-25 CRISPARKLE (Hailing)Good afternoon, Mayor Sapsea! (THROTTLE prompts SAPSEA’s re-entering)*
SAPSEAGood afternoon, Mr. Crisparkle, and — eh—
CRISPARKLEThese are my new charges from Ceylon, Mayor Sapsea; I’m taking them to meet—
(Enter DROOD and ROSA as SAPSEA/CHAIRMAN exits, relieved to be relieved of his responsibilities in the scene)
ah, and in fact here he comes now! Helena! Neville! Allow me to introduce young Edwin Drood.
DROODSir!
NEVILLESir! I congratulate you on your good fortune, Mr. Drood.
DROODGood fortune, sir?
NEVILLEYour betrothal, sir.
DROOD (Realizing)Oh yes, Rosa.
CRISPARKLEOur young Ned is soon to depart himself for your segment of the globe, Neville.
NEVILLECeylon, Mr. Drood?
DROODNo, but much the same: Egypt.
* [ IT is suggested that CHAIRMAN be given a hat (perhaps handed to him by THROTTLE), which he wears whenever he is acting as SAPSEA and doffs whenever he is acting as CHAIRMAN, simply to aid the audience in understanding which is which. Needless to say, CHAIRMAN should also alter his voice and manner somewhat as SAPSEA, who is essentially a pompous and perhaps dithering city official.]
33
1-4-26 NEVILLEOh, to make your future, sir?
DROODNo, to insure that Egypt has one. I shall shortly be taking over my family’s engineering concern there, and I plan to pull off a miracle.
NEVILLEPray, what miracle?
DROODThe Cairo Transverse, Mr. Landless! A thoroughfare for commerce and coach travel across the desert to Alexandria.
NEVILLEA monumental task, Mr. Drood!
DROODYes.
HELENAOne wonders where one will obtain, for example, the paving stones?
DROODFrom the pyramids!
NEVILLENo!
DROODYes, my studies show there is enough rock in the top half of the Great Pyramid alone.
NEVILLEThis is English blasphemy! Is it not enough that you take our delicate brew of tea leaves and likewise improve it by pouring cow’s milk into— (HELENA reacts with nausea and alarm)
CRISPARKLENeville, please— let’s not raise our voices here in...eh...
(The curtain opens on a typical, charming English market-hall street with picturesque shop-fronts, much Tudor and thatching in evidence. HE checks scenery)
Cloisterham High Street.
DROODI meant no offense, sir.
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1-4-27
NEVILLEAnd I did not mean my awkward ways to arouse such emotion, or to ruffle your splendid feathers, Miss Bud.
ROSAI’m sure Mr. Landless only feels passionately about his part of the world, Edwin.
DROODAs long as he keeps his passions in check.
NEVILLEI fear I have not yet adapted myself to your restrained climate, Master Edwin...Miss Bud. (Sinuous tango vamp music begins)
DROODMy uncle has already given me some account of your hot-blooded temperament and past, sir. I hope you have left them both behind you.
6. “A BRITISH SUBJECT”
(TOWNSPEOPLE drift in during song, curious about the hostilities that are building up)
NEVILLE (Confiding to audience)MY REPUTATION PRECEDES ME HERE(A SITUATION I NEEDS MUST FEAR).
NEVILLE & HELENAWHAT HOPE HAVE I OF BLENDING INWHEN “DIFF’RENT” IS A SIN?
NEVILLEI THOUGHT I’D CLEANED MY SLATE AT LAST BUT THEY ANTICIPATE MY PAST.
HELENAWHAT SHALL I SHOW THEM— THE FULL EFFECT?
NEVILLEWHAT DO I OWE THEM— WHAT THEY EXPECT?
NEVILLE & HELENAA BRITISH SUBJECT ON DISPLAYIN FROM CEYLON TODAY.
35
1—4-28
NEVILLE & HELENA (continued)OUR EMIGRATIONTO THIS LOCATIONHAS BROUGHT OUR STATION DOWN A MILE!THIS DISTANT NATIONDIVIDES CREATIONIN RANK AND FILE, ANDENGLISH ARE THEYAND BRITISH AM I.
ROSA, CRISPARKLE, DROODBRITISH ARE THEY AND ENGLISH AM I
DROODTHERE ARE TWO SUBJECTS WE DON’T DISCUSS:
CRISPARKLEONE IS OUR MONARCHTHE OTHER’S US.
ROSA DROODAND YET I FEAR YOU SOON WILL BE AH...THE SUBJECT OF SCRUTINY...
NEVILLEA BRITISH SUBJECT, NONETHELESS!
HELENAFROM WHERE AND WHY, THEY’LL TRY TO GUESS:
CRISPARKLECAPETOWN OR BURMA, WHAT’S ALL THE FUSS?ALL TERRA FIRMA BELONGS TO US.
NEVILLE & HELENAA BRITISH SUBJECT, BRED AND BORN,AND SUBJECT NOT TO SCORN.
NEVILLE & HELENA DROOD, ROSA, CRISPARKLEOUR EMIGRATION YOUR MIGRATIONTO THIS LOCATION TO THIS DESTINATION— HAS BROUGHT OUR STATION LEADS US TO DOWN A MILE! SPECULATION, OH!THIS DISTANT NATION THE INSULTATIONDIVIDES CREATION OF OUR POPULATIONIN RANK AND FILE, AND IS THE EXPLANATION.ENGLISH ARE THEYAND BRITISH AM I, AND
36
1-4-29
NEVILLE & HELENA DROOD, ROSA, CRISP. TOWNSPEOPLEOUR EMIGRATION YOUR MIGRATION YOU, YOU ARE TWOTO THIS LOCATION TO THIS DESTINATION— WHO INTRUDEHAS BROUGHT OUR STATION LEADS US TO UPON THIS TOWN DOWN A MILE! SPECULATION, OH! AND EDWIN DROOD!THIS DISTANT NATION THE INSULTATION ON THIS ISLE,DIVIDES CREATION OF OUR POPULATION— NATIVES SMILE!IN RANK AND FILE, AND
NEVILLE & HELENAENGLISH ARE THEY ANDBRITISH AM I!
NEVILLETHIS IS THE WAY WE’LL STAY...
ALL OTHERSTHIS IS THE WAY WE’LL STAY...
ALLTIL WE DIE!!!! (Shouted in rhythm)TIL— WE— DIE!
(DROOD storms off with ROSA. NEVILLE glances after them with seething emotions. HELENA is alarmed by her brother’s behavior and pulls him away. CRISPARKLE and TOWNSPEOPLE exit with the others. JASPER and SAPSEA, who have entered towards the end of the number, step forward)
JASPERYou see, Mayor Sapsea? It’s just as I’ve been saying— there is an instinctive rivalry between my own dear boy and this Landless fellow...and I fear his hot-blooded Eastern temperament.
SAPSEAOh, I think you exaggerate the matter, Mr. Jasper.
JASPERI will go mad! Do you not realize there is more than one side, one face to all things in nature? (Towards a frenzy)Beneath Neville’s tainted English accent and adopted English manners, there is a heathen Landless, a tribesman Landless, a half-blooded, half-bred, half-caste who would kill as easily as he would comb his sleek hair!
SAPSEACome now, Mr. Jasper, this is quite extraordinary—
37
1-4-30 JASPER (Berserk)To the contrary, nothing could be more ordinary, sir! (Catching himself)I myself suffer from this sort of duality on occasion. Sometimes I will...forget things... and in going back to fetch them, half-expect to meet myself rounding a corner I’ve already turned... (Musical vamp begins)
SAPSEA (To audience as CHAIRMAN)And what about me, having to be your chairman and play this Mayor Sapsea bloke at the same time? It’s damned confusing!
JASPER...indeed like our two-sided Neville Landless, I find that...
7. “BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN”
(Ensemble, as MUSIC HALL COMPANY MEMBERS, creep in during song to lead a round of applause after JASPER and SAPSEA successfully finish tongue-twister first refrain; they likewise encourage hand-clapping during second and third refrains. THEY exit as they applaud the end of the number.)
JASPERI AM NOT MYSELF THESE DAYS.FOR ALL I KNOW, I MIGHT BE YOU.THERE’S MORE THAN ROOM ENOUGH FOR TWO INSIDE MY MIND!
SAPSEAI AM LIKEWISE IN A HAZE OF WHO I AM FROM SCENE TO SCENE;WHAT’S MORE, WE TWO, (WE FOUR, I MEAN), ARE IN A BIND!
JASPERFOR IS IT I, OR IS IT ME?
SAPSEAAND IF I’M HIM AND IF I’M HEEACH ONE OF US MIGHT NOT AGREE ON WHAT TO DO.
JASPERAND IF I TAKE OPPOSING SIDES WITHIN MYSELF, THEN WHO DIVIDES UP WHAT IS RIGHT OR WRONG?
SAPSEAI’LL GO ALONG WITH YOU.
38
1-4-31
BOTHHA’PENNY, ONE PENNY, TUPENNY, THRUPENNY, TWELVE TO A SHILLING, TWICE THAT TO A FLORIN,AND WOULD YOU NOT FANCY THE CURRENCY FOREIGNTO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN?BOB IS YOUR UNCLE FROM PENNIES TO GUINEAS, THE TWO-SIDED MINT IS THE RULE NOT EXCEPTION,AND WOULD YOU NOT FEEL QUITE THE FOOL OF DECEPTIONTO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN?
SAPSEAODDS OR EVENS,
JASPERHEADS OR TAILS,
SAPSEAIT’S HIGH OR LOW,
JASPEROR BLACK OR WHITE,
SAPSEAIT’S UP OR DOWN,
JASPEROR LEFT OR RIGHT,
SAPSEAOR NIGHT,
BOTHOR DAY!
SAPSEANATURE SELDOM EVER FAILS TO MOST OBLIGINGLY PROVIDEAN UNDISCLOSED OPPOSING SIDE TO ONE’S DISMAY.
JASPERTHERE’S SHADOWS IN THIS SHINING MORN,
SAPSEAIF THERE’S A ROSE IT BEARS A THORN.
JASPERYOU’RE GOOD AS DEAD AS SOON AS BORN,
BOTHAND YET WE SMILE.
SAPSEABUT LUCK’S DIVISION IS PERVERSE,
39
1-4-32 JASPERIT SEEMS TO WORK MORE IN REVERSE:
SAPSEAIF THINGS ARE BETTER THEY’LL BE WORSE IN JUST A WHILE.
BOTHHA’PENNY, ONE PENNY, TUPENNY, THRUPENNY, TWELVE TO A SHILLING, TWICE THAT TO A FLORIN,AND WOULD YOU NOT FANCY THE CURRENCY FOREIGNTO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN?BOB IS YOUR UNCLE FROM PENNIES TO GUINEAS, THE TWO-SIDED MINT IS THE RULE NOT EXCEPTION,AND WOULD YOU NOT FEEL QUITE THE FOOL OF DECEPTIONTO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN?
JASPER SAPSEAHA’PENNY, ONE PENNY, TUPENNY, THRUPENNY, AH— TWELVE TO A SHILLING, TWICE THAT TO A FLORIN, (Counterpoint AND WOULD YOU NOT FANCY THE CURRENCY FOREIGN vocalize thru TO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN? refrain)BOB IS YOUR UNCLE FROM PENNIES TO GUINEAS, THE TWO-SIDED MINT IS THE RULE NOT EXCEPTION,AND WOULD YOU NOT FEEL QUITE THE FOOL OF DECEPTIONTO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN?
JASPER & SAPSEA ENSEMBLE ENSEMBLEHA’PENNY, ONE PENNY, TUPENNY, THRUPENNY, AH— TWELVE TO A SHILLING, TWICE THAT TO A FLORIN, (Sustain thru AND WOULD YOU NOT FANCY THE CURRENCY FOREIGN refrain)TO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN?BOB IS YOUR UNCLE FROM PENNIES TO GUINEAS, THE TWO-SIDED MINT IS THE RULE NOT EXCEPTION,AND WOULD YOU NOT FEEL QUITE THE FOOL OF DECEPTIONTO FIND THE SAME FACE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN?
JASPER, SAPSEA & ENSEMBLEBOTH SIDES OF THE COIN!HEY! (ALL but SAPSEA and JASPER exit)
SAPSEA (After applause ends, to audience as CHAIRMAN:)All together now! Ha’penny, one penny, tupenny... (Then, as SAPSEA, to JASPER)You’ve convinced me, Mr. Jasper. I shall certainly keep my eyes fixed upon this Neville Landless!
JASPERA brilliant and original idea, Mayor Sapsea! But now I must— CHANGE. (SAPSEA reacts with terror: JASPER, exiting:)Good day, sir!
40
1-4-33 SAPSEABye-bye! (As CHAIRMAN)We now step out from Cloisterham High Street and fall in step with a relic known only to the residents of Cloisterham as “Durdles”. (A vamp begins)A gentleman whose knowledge of the Cathedral tombs is exceeded only by his capacity for wine and spirits. (Enter DURDLES with DEPUTY in tow)He is wending his way towards an important assignation— (Vamp stops)
DURDLES (Interrupting)What’s that you say, Bill?
CHAIRMANI said...Oh, no you don’t...an important meeting (Vamp begins again)with Mayor Sapsea, who lives just around behind— (Vamp stops)
DURDLESWhat’s that you say, Bill?
CHAIRMAN (walking right into it)I said, “a round behind” —
DURDLES (Playing to audience)And so have you! (Vaudeville drum comments after each joke)
CHAIRMANI didn’t come here to be insulted!
DURDLESWhy, where do you usually go? (Drums)
CHAIRMANI’m not a complete fool, you know!
DURDLESOh, which bit is missing? (Drums)
CHAIRMANYou’re next to an idiot!
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1-4-34 DURDLES (Shaking hands with CHAIRMAN)Pleased to meet you! (Drums)
CHAIRMANLadies and gentlemen, essaying the role of Durdles, the clown prince of the Music Hall Royale...your friend, not mine...I give (and I don’t want him back) — Mr. Nick Cricker—
DURDLES— assisted, dear friends, by my own lad, young Nick Cricker the Second—
CHAIRMANYes, a warm round of applause for Nick Cricker and Son! (NICK CRICKER fanfare. CHAIRMAN puts SAPSEA hat on)
DURDLESAfternoon, Mayor Sapsea, your lordship, sir!
SAPSEAGood afternoon, Durdles.
DURDLES (Coughing badly)I’m begging your pardon, sir, the cough. It’s a touch of Tombatism.
SAPSEANo, you mean Rheumatism.
DURDLESNo sir, I’ve been working on your dead wife’s grave.
SAPSEAPlease refer to the late Mrs. Thomas Sapsea as just that, Durdles, the late Mrs. Thomas Sapsea. That is how I like to refer to her. (Aside) Indeed, that is how I like to think of her. (To Durdles) But is my wife’s tomb ready?
DURDLESYes, guv’nor, the door is all ready for my inscribing. She’ll be much happier when we’ve moved her from her temporary grave, though it’s not been at all damp, and the moles won’t have been able to get to her for ages...
42
1-4-35 DURDLES (continued)
(Much distaste upon SAPSEA’s face as DURDLES continues oblivious)
...though there’s nothing much you can do about the worms. I mean, they’ve already made a meal of Mrs. Sapsea no matter—
SAPSEAThat’s quite enough, Durdles. (Regards DEPUTY)And who is this— this thing, this boy?
DURDLESMy “protégé”*, squire? Name of Deputy. (*sic— rhymes w/”siege”)
DEPUTYI put the lock on your wife’s crypt myself, your lordship.
DURDLESThat’s right, I have the key right here, (Displays a ring of keys)And it’ll be my pleasure to unlock that door and slide your old woman right in there tomorrow. There’s room enough for all the royal family to have afternoon tea...
SAPSEAYes, yes—
DURDLESThat crypt is a national treasure, if I may make so bold, your grace; just a while ago, Mr. Jasper asked if I’d take him down into the crypt to see it.
SAPSEA (Lightening change; as CHAIRMAN to audience, pointedly)You might like to add that line to your list of suspicious statements!
CRICKER/DURDLESSteady on, Bill, we don’t want these people leaping to conclusions without all the facts at hand! Otherwise, they’ll all be running: OFF TO THE RACES!! (A song cue if ever there was one, a vamp commences)
FLO (Entering)Right! Let’s have a chorus of “Off to the Races”!
(Members of the ENSEMBLE enter in disorganized but enthusiastic fashion, randomly dancing, prancing, singing, clapping hands, more than ready to go into the number, almost overpowering the CHAIRMAN’s admonishments)
43
1-4-36 CHAIRMANStop, stop, stop! (Vamp breaks off and, as disgruntled ENSEMBLE exits:)That’s scheduled for later in the programme. We mustn’t stop the dramatic momentum we’re building here. For now—
FLO (One last try as SHE exits)Off To The Races!
CHAIRMANOh, shut up!! For now we must descend into the darkness... (Underscore starts)in hopes of shedding new light upon our curious story...as we follow Durdles and Deputy to...The Graveyard of Cloisterham Cathedral!
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1-5-37 ACT I
Scene 5
(Early Christmas Eve.
With a musical shiver, revealed is the cemetery just beyond Cloisterham Cathedral. Prominent is the tomb of MRS. THOMAS SAPSEA, against which, bottle in hand, DURDLES is irrevocably lost in a drunken stupor. With the classic creak and ominous rasp of marble drawn against granite, the door to MRS. SAPSEA’s mausoleum slowly opens with horrific portent. JASPER emerges from the mausoleum, a lantern in hand. With a forceful display of inner strength, HE closes the door to the mausoleum and, as the vault seals shut, listens with satisfaction to the repeated reverberations it creates.)
(PRODUCTION NOTE: On Broadway, this scene was played for comic effect by having JASPER mime the described action to the accompaniment of what the audience quickly realizes is a pre-recorded SFX tape. The door to the tomb is “molto Inner Sanctum”, of course. JASPER takes emphatic steps which match the sound of the footsteps in gravel, calls out “Durdles?”, then takes three more steps and freezes — except that the pre-recorded clearly sounds four steps. PAGET/JASPER, hearing the fourth step, quickly stamps a fourth step to “cover” his mistake. No matter how it reads in cold print, it’s an almost certifiable laugh)
JASPER (In a near-whisper)Durdles?
(JASPER attempts to return DURDLES’ key ring near the stone mason’s dormant form, but is distracted and alarmed to hear, from off-stage:)
DEPUTYDurdles! Durdles! Hello? Who’s there? Mr. Jasper...
(Stepping from the shadows, JASPER seizes DEPUTY violently)
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1-5-38 JASPERWhat, have you been watching me, you cunning devil? I’ll have the blood of you...
(JASPER’s wild rage endows him with almost inhuman strength, and HE easily dominates the boy. DEPUTY, held by the throat, goes limp as if dead, and falls to the ground. Music stops. JASPER stands over him, breathing heavily)
There, that will serve you.
DURDLESYou murdered him!
JASPER(JASPER’s voice and demeanor and suddenly and completely changed)
What? What do you say?
DURDLESMurder! Murder!
JASPERStop talking such lunacy, Durdles,
(JASPER bends over the boy, deeply concerned, his ear to DEPUTY’s chest)
and help me revive the dear boy. I only pray that— oh!(The “dear boy”, who has been faking, lands a blow to JASPER’s stomach.)
DEPUTYThere, you devil, and I’ll stone yer eyes out next time, so help me!
DURDLES (Cuffing DEPUTY)Quiet, you young wretch!!
JASPER (Gasping for breath)Why do you assault me this way, Deputy?
DEPUTYYou’re ripe for the asylum, Mr. Jasper! (HE rushes off)
JASPERPeculiar lad.
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1-5-39 DURDLESBlame it on his infectuous youth, sir. But ooh, that was excellent wine you gave me, Mister Jarsper. More potent than I’m accustomed. Did you get to look inside Mrs. Sapsea’s crypt while I was asleep?
JASPER(Setting down the ring of keys while DURDLES’ back is turned)
No, I seem to have gotten...lost.
DURDLESOh, well, I was lost myself in a fitful dream, Mister Jarsper. I imagined someone touched me and took something from me— (HE sees his key ring on the floor)and here’s what it was! Mayor Sapsea wouldn’t like me leaving the mausoleum keys lying about in front of his wife’s crypt. He gave me strict instructions that the keys were... (Steps on keys)...Well... (Looks closely at keys, counting them)...and now the key to Mrs. Sapsea’s tomb is missing. What do you think, Mr. Jarsper?
JASPER (Patting his coat pocket)I think that I have guests due at any moment for Christmas dinner, and a poor host I’d be no to offer them all the comfort and joy of the season. (Laughs)A happy Christmas to you, Durdles. (Exits)
DURDLESAnd God rest ye merry...Mr. John Jarsper.
(DURDLES nods ominously and exits. Transitional music— the moon comes out from behind a cloud— as DROOD and ROSA enter)
DROODYes, we’ve spent many a bright and chatting afternoon here among these silent tombs, eh, my... own betrothed? (ROSA turns away, and DROOD knows all)No, Rosa...we are not legally bound to marriage.
ROSAThen, Eddie dearest, let us change to brother and sister from this day forth.
DROODNever to be husband and wife?
47
1-5-40 ROSANever.
DROODI am honor-bound to confess that this thought does not originate from you alone, Rosa.
ROSAI know, dear one. You have not been truly happy with our engagement. Nor have I.
DROODI am sorry, Rosa.
ROSAAnd I for you, (Music: vamp begins)poor boy.
DROOD...oh, if only our marriage had not been assured since birth...perhaps then we would know how we truly feel towards each other.
8. “PERFECT STRANGERS”
ROSAIF WE WERE PERFECT STRANGERS,HOW PERFECT LIFE COULD BE!
DROODI’D KNOW IF I ADORE YOU— YOU’D KNOW IF YOU LOVE ME.TOO MUCH WE’VE SEEN TOGETHER TO JUDGE THE VIEW.
ROSATOO MUCH WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER.
DROODAND I ASSUMED THE FUTURE—
ROSA DROOD AND I PRESUMED THAT YOU WERE THERE...AND YET AH— I WONDERED WHERE WE MET...? AH—
DROODIF WE WERE PERFECT STRANGERS,I’D FIND MY WAY WITH EASE.
DROOD & ROSAI’D SEE THE PATH BEFORE ME,THE FOREST FROM THE TREES.
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1-5-41 DROODCOULD LIFE BE REAL WITHOUT YOU?YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE.
ROSAHOW DO I FEEL ABOUT YOU?
DROODI CARE...
ROSA...TOO NEAR TO TOUCH YOU.
ROSA DROODMY DEAREST NED, HOW MUCH YOU MY DEARMEAN TO ME... BUT ARE WE LOVERS?HOW MUCH YOU’VE HOW WOULD WE KNOW IT?BEEN HOW WOULD WE FEEL IT?TO ME... HOW WOULD WE SHOW IT?
(As music continues, THEY speak. THEY move forward and curtain closes behind them)
ROSABrother.
DROODSister.
ROSA(ROSA produces a large light-reflective clasp, which SHE must display prominently for the audience’s benefit)
I— I pray you will take this clasp...left to me by my mother...as a vow of my eternal friendship. (HE accepts it)God bless you.
DROODGod bless you, dear.
ROSAHOW DO I FEEL ABOUT YOU?
DROODI CARE...
ROSA...TOO NEAR TO TOUCH YOU.
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1-5-42 ROSA DROODMY DEAREST NED, HOW MUCH YOU MY DEARMEAN TO ME... BUT ARE WE LOVERS?HOW MUCH YOU’VE HOW WOULD WE KNOW IT?BEEN HOW WOULD WE FEEL IT?TO ME... HOW WOULD WE SHOW IT?
DROOD & ROSAIF WE’D BEEN PERFECT STRANGERS,I MIGHT HAVE LOVED YOU PERFECTLY...AH—
DROOD (A kind of laugh)All this will come as a terrible blow to my uncle! (ROSA turns away in fear)Why, whatever is the matter?
ROSACould we keep our change of plans from Mr. Jasper for a while, Eddie?
DROODYes, of course you’re right. Why give him such sad news on Christmas Eve? But now we must be off. He’s expecting us for dinner and I fear there’s a storm brewing.
(Indeed there is, for we hear a thunderbolt. DROOD and ROSA hurry off as...)
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ACT I
Scene 6
(A short time later.
The curtain rises, and we are now back in the home of JOHN JASPER. More thunder. WAITER, portrayed by PHILLIP BAX, and MAIDS have brought on the chair and dinner table. )
NEVILLEWhat a bizarre climate you have here in Cloisterham; first snow, and now this threatening storm! The Gods must be angry.
CRISPARKLEGOD must be angry, Neville. Not GODS. We use the singular in England.
HELENAWhat a storm for Christmas Eve!
CRISPARKLEYes, ‘twas like this the night that Rosa’s mother died.
HELENANeville tells me you were once engaged to Rosa’s mother, Mr. Crisparkle.
CRISPARKLEYes, yes, but I fear I was a bit too Anglican, a bit too Angular for her taste.
(ALL freeze; lights and mysterious music as HE reflects)And then, at a seaside party celebrating her second anniversary...only a few months after Rosa was born...she apparently slipped while walking unobserved along the cliffs, and drowned in the embrace of the ungrateful waves... (Music out abruptly— CRISPARKLE catches himself)But enough! Let us follow Mr. Jasper’s lead and forgot our grievances with life and with each other over a sturdy Christmas dinner.
JASPERI pray you will forgive the meager merits of my humble table.
(Thunder. JASPER admits DROOD & ROSA, the wind howling as THEY enter)
DROODHallo, all! Sorry we’re late but we fought the storm all the—
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1-6-44 NEVILLEMiss Bud, it is wondrous to see you again. Let me take your things.
DROOD (Hands NEVILLE his coat)I had no idea you had taken on domestic staff, uncle.
ROSAEdwin! Mr. Landless will take you seriously.
NEVILLENo fear of that.
JASPERNow lads! Rosa, you’ve no idea what it means to Have you In My Chambers.
NEVILLEMiss Bud, how is it that in a season of holly, you remind me of the flowering hibiscus!
DROODAnd how is it you remind me of an inconsistent baker, Neville, for while your metaphors seem quite stale, your manners are uncommonly fresh.
NEVILLEYou go too far, sir! (Thunder)
JASPERGentlemen! This is Christmas Eve and I will tolerate no further such behavior between you. Now, this mulled wine is very good stuff indeed. I prepared it specially for you from a recipe I obtained on a recent trip to London.
DROODWell, any port in a storm for me, Uncle!
CRISPARKLE (Laughs)Yes, any port in a storm. Very good, Edwin, very good. (JASPER offers him a glass)...None for me, thanks.
JASPERNow let us drink deep. (Ominous chord as they drink)
DROODThis wine is more potent than usual, Jack.
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1-6-45 JASPERWell, I thought you lads would like it. Now let’s have no more ill will between you!
ROSAPlease, Edwin!
DROODThere is no longer any cause for rivalry between us, Neville. You have my friendship...if you wish it.
NEVILLEThen a Merry Christmas to you, Edwin.
(They shake hands, and again, ominous thunder as WAITER enters)
WAITER (Voice of Doom)The Goose Is Cooked!
NEVILLEMiss Bud, I think your next Christmas dinner will be in Egypt.
DROODMy God, Landless! Perhaps you should accompany us to Cairo. I’m sure Rosa and I could use someone to carry our bags—
NEVILLEWhat?
DROODSomeone better acquainted with a foreign tongue than he is with minding his own.
JASPERGentlemen, ladies, please be seated!
9. “NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD”
NEVILLESIR, I DON’T MUCH LIKE YOUR TONE.THAT SUPERCIL’OUS SNEER YOU WEAR!CLEAR, YOU WEAR A FINER CUTTHAN MINE, AH BUTA WAISTCOAT WORNCAN SOON BE TORN,AND BIGOTS, TOO,‘TILL MAGGOTS FEED ON YOU!
ROSA (Turns to audience, aside)SOMETHING IN THIS SPEECH SEEMS OMINOUS TO ME!
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1-6-46 HELENATWIN, DON’T OVER-REACH, PRAY PROMISE THIS TO ME!
CRISPARKLE (Standing to offer grace)PRAISE TO HIM DIVINE, FOR THIS WE SHOULD BE GLAD!
JASPERWON’T YOU TRY SOME WINE?
ALL SIX (NEV., HEL., ROSA, DROOD, JAS., CRISP.)
NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD!
JASPER(Rising, sings to tune of “TWO KINSMEN”, as HE refills their glasses)
MY DEAREST NEPHEW NED,I WISH TO WISH YOU WELL!THE WORLD IS YOURS BEFORE YOUJUST LIKE—
WAITER/BAZZARD (Bellows in rhythm)Oysters on the shell!
(HE brings in a tray of oysters. DROOD retorts to LANDLESS)
DROODLANDLESS (AS YOU ARE AND KNOWN),YOUR BLOOD IS HOT BUT LESS THAN PURE!LESS, I’M SURE, THAN WE.YOUR HISTORYWOULD INDICATE A PASTOF LOWER CLASSWITH YOU REMAINS,YOUR CRUDENESS THUS EXPLAINS.
ROSASOMETHING SENDS A CHILL LIKE FEET UPON MY GRAVE!
HELENACAN MY STRENGTH AND WILL COMPLETELY NEVILLE SAVE?
CRISPARKLECOULD THESE WORDS THEY SAY BRING HARM UPON THE LAD?
JASPERNIGHT MUST FOLLOW DAY!
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1-6-47 ALL SIXNO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD!
(Thunder crashes. JASPER taps side of water glass to announce a toast)
JASPERMY DEAREST, DEEPEST FRIENDS!MAY I PROPOSE A TOAST:TO ROSA BUD AND EDWIN DROOD,THREE CHEERS—
WAITER/BAZZARD (Bellows in rhythm)And ‘ere’s the roast!
(HE wheels in the goose on a carving cart. CRISPARKLE admires the repast:)
CRISPARKLEHOW VERY BLESSED ARE WE,WHEN OH SO MANY STARVE!THY KINGDOM COME, THY WILL BE DONE—
JASPER (Inquiring of NEVILLE & DROOD, spoken in rhythm)Which one of you will carve?
(Thunder crashes as DROOD & NEVILLE both reach for the carving knife and fork, and THEY face-off across the bird, both angered with drink.)
NEVILLE & DROODGLANCES CUT LIKE BLADE THROUGH BONE, WITH DAGGERS DRAWN I GLARE AT YOU,THERE AT YOU WHO DARE PRESUMETO STARE AT WHOMI’D MAKE MY WIFEAND SHARE MY LIFE— I’D SEE YOU DEAD BEFORE SWEET ROSA WED.
HELENAFATE WAITS NEAR!I FEEL IT, I FEAR IT.WE ARE FRIENDS, AND YET,THEY’LL NOT SOON FORGETHEARING NEVILLE’S THREAT,EVERY EPITHET!
CRISPARKLEIN YOUNGER DAYS, I HUNGERED FOR ANOTHER:ROSA’S MOTHER!AFTER ROSA’S BIRTH, SHE LEFT THIS EARTH,NOW DUST IS ALL I’M WORTH.
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1-6-48 ROSASO LONG A TIME,THEY’VE THOUGHT THAT I’MA DRESDEN DOLL,QUITE NAIVE,BUT I PERCEIVETHESE BOYS, THIS NOISEMORE FRIGHT’NING THAN THEY MIGHT CONCEIVE.
JASPER (W/OTHERS in sextet, music bar 59 thru 64)AND AS ISTAND BY,TAKE NOTE:YOUR THROATSOUNDS QUITE DRY,THIS WINESHOULD SATISFY.
NEVILLE & DROOD HELENA (W/OTHERS in sextet, music bar 59 thru 64)GLANCES CUT LIKE BLADE THROUGH BONE, FATE WAITS NEAR!WITH DAGGERS DRAWN I GLARE AT YOU, I FEEL IT,THERE AT YOU WHO DARE PRESUME I FEAR IT.TO STARE AT WHOM WE ARE FRIENDS,I’D MAKE MY WIFE AND YET,AND SHARE MY LIFE— THEY’LL NOT SOON FORGETI’D SEE YOU DEAD HEARING NEVILLE’S THREAT,BEFORE SWEET ROSA WED. EVERY EPITHET!
ROSA CRISPARKLE (W/OTHERS in sextet, music bar 59 thru 64)SO LONG A TIME, IN YOUNGER DAYS,THEY’VE THOUGHT THAT I’M I HUNGERED FOR ANOTHER:A DRESDEN DOLL, ROSA’S QUITE NAIVE, MOTHER!BUT I PERCEIVE AFTER ROSA’S BIRTH,THESE BOYS, THIS NOISE SHE LEFT THIS EARTH,MORE FRIGHT’NING THAN NOW DUST ISTHEY MIGHT CONCEIVE. ALL I’M WORTH.
ALL SIXWITH THESE NEW ADDITIONS, THERE MAY BE REVEALEDMURDEROUS ADMISSIONS OTHERWISE CONCEALED.
NEVILLE & DROODFIE ON YOU, I CURSE! FULL WARNING YOU HAVE HAD!
HELENA & ROSABAD MUST LEAD TO WORSE,
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1-6-49 ALL SIXNO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD!NO GOOD— NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD! (Music continues under as thunderstorm builds outside)
DROODWhat a storm for Christmas Eve! I must stroll down to the River Weir to see this fit of nature unchecked! Will you excuse me, uncle?
JASPEROf course.
NEVILLEI will join you on your walk. (Thunder)
ROSAAnd we must retire to The Nun’s House before the storm...Good night, Edwin...
DROODMy dear.
ROSA (Quick glance at NEVILLE)Everyone.
JASPERRosa.
HELENABe careful how you tread, Neville.
CRISPARKLEWell, I shall see the ladies safely home. (Thunder as ROSA, HELENA, CRISPARKLE exit)
DROODWill you join us, Uncle?
JASPERNo, Edwin, I have plans I must...execute. But I will not let you go in that flimsy coat— you shall wear my own humble but serviceable caped coat!
(Sinister and significant musical sting. JASPER helps DROOD on with coat as NEVILLE calls from doorway:)
NEVILLECome, Edwin, your Destiny calls!
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1-6-50 DROODThen goodbye Uncle! Goodbye All!!
(The sky erupts around DROOD framed in the door, and HE is gone. Music recedes)
CHAIRMAN (Resuming his authority)When shall these three meet again? When...if ever? It is now late the next day, Christmas Day, to be sure. The storm is over, but in its wake, there is to be found no trace of young...Edwin...DROOD. (HE exits into the wings)
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1-7-51 ACT I
Scene 7
(Christmas Day.
The walls of JASPER’s home part to reveal Minor Canon Corner, a street of high-windowed houses leading to Cloisterham Cathedral, which can clearly be seen. [NOTE: In night scenes, these windows are illuminated.] From either side of the stage enter ROSA & CRISPARKLE)
ROSA (Off)Mr. Crisparkle! (On)Oh, Reverend, I know something terrible has happened to Edwin!
CRISPARKLEOh, let us wait until my assistant Bazzard reports. You have heard, I’m sure, the sentiment voiced that no news is most certainly good news. Ah, here he is now! (Enter BAZZARD, doom-laden)Bazzard! What news?
BAZZARD (Despondent)No news.
CRISPARKLE (With forced cheer)There, you see?
I don’t believe you’ve met my assistant, Bazzard. His chief occupation is in guiding excursion-parties around our church. Quite the showman is our Bazzard, though tragically misplaced.
ROSAMisplaced?
CRISPARKLEYes, he carries with him a Secret. Now, Rosa: what do you think Mr. Bazzard has done?
ROSAOh dear! Nothing dreadful I hope?
CRISPARKLEMr. Bazzard has written a play. A tragedy.
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1-7-52 BAZZARD“The Thorn of Anxiety”!
ROSAWhen will it be performed, Mr. Bazzard?
BAZZARD (Proudly)Never!
CRISPARKLESometimes I think Mr. Bazzard has more pride in its lack of support, like a citizen of Greece who prefers the Parthenon in ruin. But I hope to see Mr. Bazzard’s work performed some day.
ROSAI, too, Mr. Bazzard.
BAZZARDI love the theatrical world. But there are many stages beyond the proscenium. I Long to Play a Larger Part!
CRISPARKLEThen, Bazzard, use your enviable creativity to find some accounting for young Ned.
BAZZARD (Over-acting his little line)That assignment I eagerly accept! (HE hurries off with orchestra horn call)
ROSAOh my dear hopeless Edwin! (Music: underscore vamp begins)
CRISPARKLE (Aside)How like her mother she looks! Had the Lord seen fit to smile on me...had her mother not married another...nor met her death two years later at that pleasure party by the sea...I might have been Rosa’s—
ROSAFather! (Music cuts off)I need your prayers!
(SHE kneels before him and holds his hand against her face. The steeple bell begins to toll the evening service)
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CRISPARKLERise, my child. The cathedral bell summons us.
(The stage is aglow in the full bloom of sunset. ROSA & CRISPARKLE walk off to church together, his arm steadying her. Enter JASPER & SPASEA, neither of whom sees ROSA.)
JASPERAnd is it not significant, Mayor Sapsea, that Neville Landless was last seen fleeing the district?
SAPSEA/CHAIRMANYou’ve convinced me, Mr. Jasper! A secret murderer could indeed be hiding in Cloisterham. Yes. And all signs do point to young Neville Landless.
JASPERMy thoughts exactly, sir!
SAPSEAI shall instruct a few strong fellows to bring him here, using whatever force is necessary, so that we may question him.
JASPERYou do that, sir!
(Exit SAPSEA and JASPER; simultaneously enter DEPUTY, HORACE, and TOWNSMEN. Music: DOG HUNT underscore)
TOWNSPERSON 1We’ll find Neville Landless right enough now!
HORACEAnd when we find him, we’ll educate the murderous swine!
DEPUTYRight. With any luck, we’ll have a hanging for Christmas!
HORACEFetch the dogs!
(A Keystone Kops exit in all directions, preferably up the aisles. Simultaneously, running on right is BAZZARD, over-acting as usual.)
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1-7-54 BAZZARDOh, Mr. Jasper, Mr. Jasper! (Jasper re-enters)Look what I’ve discovered! (HE shows something in his hands and JASPER grabs it)
JASPERWhy, it’s my coat, the one I gave to Edwin last night! It’s been torn to ribbons...and, blood, oh God, there’s his blood on it! Where did you find this?
BAZZARDUnder a rock by the River Weir.
JASPER (Without hope)My dear boy is murdered. I take this oath before you, Bazzard! Record it in your memory: that I shall fasten the crime of murder upon the murderer, and that I devote myself to his destruction! (HE exits, sustained only by a mission)
BAZZARD (For the benefit of the third balcony)I shall remember your words, Mr. John Jasper!
(Music cadence and out with MAJOR LIGHT CHANGE to hard-lit “reality” of the theatre, leaving BAZZARD and CHAIRMAN at the footlights, the set still standing but, in effect, unlit.)
CHAIRMANAnd I believe that’s it for you this evening, Phillip.
BAX/BAZZARDThat’s right, Bill.
CHAIRMANWell... I mean, it hardly seems worth your coming down from Knutsford each night, does it? (BAZZARD/BAX nods)You— you seem to specialize in these Narrow parts of late. (HE hands BAX his payment for the evening’s work.)
BAX/BAZZARDNot by choice, Mr. Cartwright.
CHAIRMANLet’s see, in “Julius Caesar” you played the part of...
1-7-55 BAZZARDA senator.
CHAIRMANAh. So at least you were in for the kill. (Ponders)You know, if you think of it, it’s rather odd that Charles Dickens created your character at all...unless, of course, he had a more promising future in mind for you.
BAX/BAZZARDThat’s been my solace in the role, Mr. Cartwright.
CHAIRMANYes, I’m sure. Still you do understudy Mr. Paget as John Jasper, I note. Surely one of these days—
BAX/BAZZARDIn actuality, Mr. Paget claims never to have missed a performance in his entire career.
CHAIRMANAh. Well, Phillip— (A moment of immense kindness)We’re almost done with this act and our Second Act is considerably shorter in length that the First. Is there, would you have a song ready at hand...? (Asking the audience)Shall we? Yes, why not indeed?
(Dream of dreams! Bazzard is barely able to contain his trembling emotions)
BAX/BAZZARDWell, as a matter of happenstance, Mr. Cartwright, I do have, in common with my role this evening, aspirations as an author and have composed a— a brief song which I venture to say underscores the dilemma I share with the character of Bazzard I portray. I hesitate to—
CHAIRMANCome, come! Its title, Mr. Bax.
BAX/BAZZARDWhat? Oh, uh, “Never The Luck”, Mr. Cartwright.
CHAIRMANLadies and gentlemen, an unscheduled diversion in our journey this evening: the debut of an unpublished and perhaps rightfully unheard composition: Mr. Phillip Bax singing his own “NEVER THE LUCK”! (LIGHTS change to a gentler, blue mood)
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10. “NEVER THE LUCK”
BAX/BAZZARDNEVER THE LUCK,AND NEVER THE LEAD,AND “NEVER YOU MIND,” THEY SAY.IN TIME WE ALL TASTETHE LIME IN THE LIGHT,AND I’LL HAVE MY NIGHT SOMEDAY.
STILL...EACH PRECIOUS PARTSEEMS OVER AND DONEBEFORE I’VE BEGUN TO SPEAK.I CAST OUT MY LINEAND KEEP MY HAND IN,BUT I’LL NOT STAND IN THIS WEEK.SOME STARLESS NIGHT, THEY’LL CALL TOWARDS THE WINGS:“WHO HERE DANCES AND SINGS?”THAT’S WHEN YOURS TRULY SPRINGSAND SEEING ME THEN, THEY WILL CRY, “WHY,HE KNOWS EACH LINE, AND EVERYONE’S CUEWE MUST LET HIM DO THE PART!”I’LL LEAP CENTER STAGE, THE MUSIC WILL PLAY,I’LL WALTZ MY WAY INTO YOUR HEART!
(And as HE sings, a lovely thing happens. The chairman steals towards the wings and catches the attention of nearby cast members. The ladies lead BAX into a waltz and the CAST watches with gentle empathy)
THO’ EVER I PLAN,AND EVER I PLOT,WITH EVER THE PLUCK TO TRY,I WAIT FOR MY STAR BY FATE TO BE STRUCK— BUT NEVER THE LUCK HAVE I...
COMPANYEVER THE HOPE AND EVER THE SCHEME,
COMPANY BAX/BAZZARDAND EVER THE DREAM! BUT EVER THE DREAM HAVE I!
(On applause, NEVILLE LANDLESS is hurled on stage by TOWNSPERSONS 1 & 2, HORACE, and other ragged citizens, who kick at him and hurl abuse. But though clearly outnumbered, NEVILLE is holding more than his own: only the intervention of the REVEREND CRISPARKLE ends the struggle)
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1-7-57 CRISPARKLEMaster Neville! And you fellows! Enough! Enough now!
(CRISPARKLE shows a surprisingly physical side as HE separates LANDLESS and his assailants. As the fight breaks up, DEPUTY races in with SAPSEA in tow)
DEPUTYThere’s your murderer, sir!
NEVILLEReverend Crisparkle. What have I done?
CRISPARKLENothing, I’m certain of that, lad. I’m sure there is some—
HORACELandless!! Where is Edwin Drood?
(JASPER, who is now wearing a black armband, views the proceedings.)
NEVILLEWhere is...Why do you ask me that way?
JASPERBecause you were the last person in his company, and he is nowhere to be found!
HORACEMayor Sapsea, do you wish to question him?
SAPSEA (Prodded by JASPER)Ehm— You left for the river with Edwin Drood at what time?
NEVILLEI — in all honesty I cannot recall anything of what transpired once Edwin and I had reached the river.
SAPSEAWhat are these blood stains upon your shirt-front...and upon your walking stick, Mr. Landless?
NEVILLEI acquired these bloodstains, sir, just now...when these men of yours dragged me forcibly back from the countryside where I had been walking.
HORACENeville Landless, as acting constable for the district, I place you under arrest. (HELENA enters breathless, followed by ROSA)
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1-7-58 HELENANeville! (Horrified, SHE notices his injuries)How many of them did it take to mar you in this way?
NEVILLEEight!
HELENA (Whirling on Sapsea)You have an interesting way with the law here in Cloisterham, Mr. Sapsea. And you, Mr. Jasper... for days now you have been warning all of Cloisterham of impending violence between your nephew and my brother...what do you know of all this?
JASPEROnly that my nephew is dead.
CRISPARKLEMayor Sapsea...I warrant that young Neville has no knowledge of Master Drood beyond that which he has freely volunteered.
HELENAAnd you shall volunteer nothing further, Neville. (HELENA rushes to NEVILLE’s side)
SAPSEAI would remind you and your brother that there is the issue of MURDER at hand—
(ROSA gasps, wavers as if to faint; CRISPARKLE holds her steady)
HELENABefore you utter that word again, you laughable man, perhaps you will be good enough to supply a body, a victim, a corpse...something more tangible than an errant nephew, a timorous uncle, and a ludicrous city official who has no backing for his charges other than pure pomp and sheer circumstance.
CRISPARKLEHear, hear.
ROSAWell said, Helena!
CRISPARKLEShe’s right you know, Mr. Sapsea. Without Edwin’s body, you cannot possibly arrest young Master Neville.
SAPSEAOh, very well, release him.
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1-7-59 HELENAOh, bless you Mr. Crisparkle!
(Impulsively, she kisses him on the cheek. HE stares in wonderment.)
CRISPARKLEI am overpaid.
HELENA (Gradually more to audience and more as CONOVER)I only wish I could express my gratitude without this strange, somewhat geographically untraceable accent!
CHAIRMANYes, well, let’s all pause for a moment, shall we?
(ALL drop character and advance slightly, quite personable. Music: underscoring begins)
So here is where matters now lie: Edwin Drood has vanished and may likely be— Clive?
PAGETDead. John Jasper has sworn vengeance upon his nephew’s murderer...
GRINSTEADWhom most of this populace expect to be Neville Landless...
CONOVER...but the charges against Neville have been rescinded, thanks to Helena Landless’ steady resolve and the support of the kindly...
MONCRIEFFEReverend Mr. Crisparkle, who was once engaged to...
PEREGRINERosa’s deceased mother. Meanwhile, it’s difficult to know what Deputy, not to mention...
PRYSOCK (Who has entered during this recitation)...the mysteriously motivated mistress of misadventures, Princess Puffer. (Music fades out)
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1-7-60 CHAIRMANStatements to consider during this interval with one admonition: should you leap to conclusions without all the facts at hand, you may find yourself carried...Off To The Races!
FLOYes, Bill, let’s have a chorus of “Off To The Races” (General clamoring from the cast. Music vamp begins)
CHAIRMANA spontaneous request, which brings us, rather adroitly I think, to a song: for what evening at The Music Hall Royale would be complete without a rendition of its trademark anthem...
ALL“OFF TO THE RACES”!!
11. “OFF TO THE RACES”
CHAIRMANQUICK CONCLUSIONS OFTEN LEAD THE BEST OF US ASTRAY.THE WISEST MOVE IN LIFE IS JUST TO WAIT.OTHERWISE, OUR GALLOPING EMOTIONS RUN AWAY
CHAIRMAN, DURDLES & DEPUTYLIKE HORSES AT THE GATE.
OFF TO THE RACES, OFF TO THE RACES,OFF TO THE RACE WE GO,BUT WHERE THE CHASE IS AND WHAT THE PACE IS,WE SELDOM SEEM TO KNOW.
DURDLESMEN WITH BROKEN HEARTS HAVE VOWED TO NEVER MORE PURSUEA MEMBER OF THE SOFT AND SAVORED RACE.
CHAIRMANSAVORED RACE!
DURDLESFIRMLY ANCHORED TO THE GROUND, THEY SUDDENLY WILL VIEW
CHAIRMAN, DURDLES & DEPUTYA FAIR AND FAVORED FACE, THEN:
OFF TO THE RACES, OFF TO THE RACES,WHEN FLIRTING FACES CALL!
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1-7-61 CHAIRMAN & DEPUTYHIS SAVING GRACE IS A GAME REPLACES THE NEED FOR LOVE AND ALL.
ALL (CHAIRMAN, DURDLES, DEPUTY & ENSEMBLE)
DON’T FALL BACK ON YOUR ASSUMPTIONS,HASTY PRESUMPTIONS MIGHT DO YOU IN.MIND THE TRACK. LIKE A NAG RUNNING BLIND,TRY LAGGING BEHIND:YOU’LL FIND YOU’LL WIN.
DANCE
ALLAND THE RACE IS WON BY THE TARDY,NOT THE FOOL-HARDY FOOLS THAT WE BE.DON’T UNLACE YOUR MADCAP ABANDON,DO AND YOU’LL LAND UNDONE.NOT ME!SO WE CALL UPON YOU ALL TO HOLD YOUR HORSE’S REINSBEFORE YOU SOLVE THIS DICKENS OF A CRIME.SOMETIMES HAVING PATIENCE IS AS GOOD AS HAVING BRAINS,SO TAKE YOUR BLOODY TIME…
POUR ON THE SPIRITS!THE END IS NEAR, IT’SONLY A LENGTH OR SO!DON’T BEGIN TO BEAT YOUR TAR OFF FOR THE FINISH ISN’T FAR OFF.TO THE RACES!OFF TO THE RACE WE GO… (Shout:)TALLY HO!
CURTAIN
END ACT ONE
69 2-E-1
ACT II - ENTR’ACTE
(ENSEMBLE, on stage in front of curtain as interval ends, may feel free to converse with audience and orchestra members, perform juggling feats or whatever silly bit of business might lighten the atmosphere. Orchestra sounds a very brief reprise of “THERE YOU ARE”. On last chord, CHAIRMAN steps from behind the curtain.)
CHAIRMANLadies and gentlemen, a warm round of applause if you please for our Fully-Trained orchestra, under the cryptic baton of Mr. Thomas Purcell! (Orchestra rises, PURCELL bows magnificently.)
(OPTIONAL:)(As applause subsides, CHAIRMAN may look down at a straggler in the first few rows:)
Pray take your time in resuming your seats, dear friends— Don’t worry about being the last, madame— it only means that we’re all looking at you. By the by, I trust you all managed to locate our Lavatorial Facilities, which are second to none in the district; as a matter of fact, there are none in the district.
(END OPTIONAL SPEECH)
Incidentally, if you’re enjoying our modest efforts tonight, I heartily recommend you return to this venue next week, when the Music Hall Royale shall premiere its latest and most ingenious work:
HAMLET - PART TWO!!
(OPTIONAL: CUT FROM HERE TO AFTER - “ENGLAND REIGNS”)Now before we take the tangled threads of plot left dangling before the interval, and attempt to tie them together... let us, (as has always been our custom here at The Music Hall Royale), unite in a chorus of that sturdy hymn to our enduring and beloved land : “ENGLAND REIGNS” (MUSIC: introduction starts)
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12. “ENGLAND REIGNS”
CHAIRMAN & COMPANYOVER ALL DOMAINS,ENGLAND REINS, ENGLAND REINS
CHAIRMANAND IT SEEMS LIKE IT RAINS EVERY DAY.
COMPANYOVER HEATH AND HILL,EVERMORE MAY IT SPILL.
CHAIRMANAND IT WILL IF I HAVE MY SAY.
MEN WOMENBRITISH SUNS NEVER SET AH--AND THEY BURN EVEN YET AH--THOUGH THEY OFTEN FORGET TO SHINE. OO- AH-
CHAIRMANON THIS LAND AND ITS LANES
WOMENDOWN THE STRAND...
MEN...UP THE MAINS
ALLTIL THE DRAINS FEED THE SERPENTINE.AND I PRAY I DIE ‘NEATH A GREY ENGLISH SKY,
CHAIRMAN COMPANYAND IF SIGNS OF A CLEARING APPEAR, AH- AH-
ALLIF ONE CLOUD REMAINS, THEN I’LL KNOW ENGLAND RAINSENGLAND REIGNS EACH DAY EACH YEAR.
(OPTIONAL: CUT ENDS HERE)--------------------------------------------------------------------
CHAIRMAN (Rubbing hands in anticipation)Right! We are, I trust, rested, relaxed, restored, renewed and more than ready to conclude what is certainly that most ambitious endeavor to date of your own Music Hall Royale: that of solving, by your vote, shortly to be counted... (Gavel once)The Mystery... (Gavel twice)71
2-E-3
COMPANYOf Edwin Drooood! (Orchestral flourish and underscore. Lights dim)
72
2-1-4
THE SLEUTHS
ACT II
Scene 1
(Cloisterham Station, six months later)
CHAIRMANSix months have passed! AN English summer is in progress. Still there is to be found no trace of young Edwin Drood, and all of Cloisterham is agog with rumor and suspicion. But there are further developments. Two enquiring sleuths are about to appear already met... (Enter PUFFER who waves cheerily at audience)...the other being a detective, a man of mystery who wears a bulky coat, a fulsome beard, and the name of Dick Datchery. (Enter DATCHERY as described. Music out)
DATCHERYEh?
CHAIRMANI said, DICK DATCHERY.
DATCHERYRight.
CHAIRMANThese apparent strangers approach with grand intentions and great expectations (which I might add we shall be presenting in Brighton next season) and like ourselves, Dick Datchery and the Princess Puffer are just now arriving at: CLOISTERHAM STATION!
(Music cue and CURTAIN, revealing the near-blinding headlamp of a British steam engine as a train which is pulling into the station moves slowly towards audience. Cloisterham station itself is a typical Victorian iron-shed affair with the platform in front occupying the stage. Crates, trunks and barrels to be loaded stand about the stage. Train comes to a halt, and JASPER steps out from behind the engine, as if exiting from the train. He looks crazed and wears a black armband.)
CHARIMANAn, yes, there’s John Jasper back from another treatment in London.
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(Hisses from ENSEMBLE who appear as TOWNSPEOPLE arriving of departing Cloisterham. PUFFER steps from train, following JASPER and sizing up her surroundings...as does DICK DATCHERY: PUFFER and DATCHERY do not acknowledge each other)
CHAIRMAN (Continuing, referring to PUFFER and DATCHERY:)And in his wake, note that among the many curious souls of Cloisterham, none are more intently curious than these two Sleuths!
13. “A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION”
PUFFERI’M ON THE TRACKOF A MAN IN BLACK:HE DISAPPEAREDBEFORE THE (cough)SMOKE CLEARED.
DATCHERYI’M ON THE SCENT OF A RESIDENT:I’LL CHECK THEM WELL,INSPECT THE PERSONNEL.
I’M LED UPON A DOUBTFUL CHASE!
PUFFERWHO’S DEAD OR GONE WITHOUT A TRACE?
PUFFER & DATCHERYTHIS IS A PRIVATEINVESTIGATION:JUST WHEN DID DROOD DEPARTAND WHEREFORE ART HIS DESTINATION?IT’S A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION!HE’S VANISHED INTO AIR--
DATCHERYOR BANISHED WHERE IN ALL CREATION?
PUFFERWHILE ON THE TRAILOF A SMALL DETAIL,I DREW A BEADUPON A CLUE I NEED.
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DATCHERYI’LL NAVIGATEAS ME OWN FIRST MATE:INCOGNITO,INTO THE FOG WE GO!
I’M NOT A MAN- OF ANY MEANS!
PUFFERI’LL SEARCH AND SCAN BEHIND THE SCENES!
PUFFER & DATCHERYTHIS IS A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION:JUST WHEN DID DROOD DEPARTAND WHEREFORE ART HIS DESTINATION?IT’S A PRIVATE INVESTIGATION:I’LL TURN THIS PRIVATE CLUBINTO A PUBLIC SITUATION!
IT’S A PRIVATE
ENSEMBLE (Bellowing)IT’S A PRIVATE!
PUFFER & DATCHERYSHH!
ENSEMBLE (Whisper soft)IT’S A PRIVATE!
PUFFER & DATCHERYJUST WHEN DID DROOD DEPART, AND
ALLWHEREFORE ART HIS DESTINATION?
PUFFER & DATCHERYIT’S A PRIVATE
ENSEMBLEIT’S A PRIVATE!
PUFFER & DATCHERYINVESTIGATION!
ENSEMBLEA VERY PRIVATE!
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PUFFER & DATCHERYJUST WHO’D WITH DROOD ABSCOND?
PUFFER & DATCHERY ENSEMBLE‘TIS NOT BEYOND IT’S A PRIVATEMY ESTIMATION SITUATION.
PUFFERI’LL PEER AND PRY AND SCRUTINIZE!
DATCHERYI’M STEERING BY, PURSUIN’ LIES!
PUFFER AND DATCHERYI CLEARLY SPY WITH MY - SLY- PRI - VATE EYES.
(Train off. A mysterious vamp continuous as we “dissolve” to Minor Canon Corner)
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ACT II
Scene 2
(Minor Canon Corner.
PUFFER, TOWNSPEOPLE around and about, CRISPARKLE appears (from the same side from which we saw DATCHERY exit), putting on his frock coat. SAPSEA enters opposite)
SAPSEAAh, Reverend, (Music pause)there you are! All things bright and beautiful tonight, don’t you think?
CRISPARKLEYes, as if the stars were mere punctures in the ceiling of earth, through which heaven’s light can be seen. Or something along those lines. (To audience)I only wish my assistant Bazzard, (Music: wood block)who is away on business, could see such a night as this!
(ALL note this and whisper. Music cadence and pause. CRISPARKLE goes out as PUFFER speaks to SAPSEA. Enter DURDLES and DEPUTY, and a moment later, DATCHERY)
DURDLESHold on there, boy! Here’s a face we’ve not seen before! (DURDLES speaks to DATCHERY)Welcome to fair Cloisterham, Captain. I am in the way of being Official Greeter to all visitors who might have the price of a bottle of wine on them. My name is Durdles.
DATCHERYMy name is Datchery, Dick Datchery, and I was wondering if lodgings could be found in these parts? (ALL silent, THEY listen)
DURDLESOh, no doubt, Mr. Datchery.
DATCHERYSomething architectural and out of the way...Inconvenient?
DURDLESOh, we have any number of inconvenient lodgings here in Cloisterham, sir.
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DATCHERYClose to the Cathedral as well?
SAPSEAExcuse me, sir, I couldn’t help overhearing. The only such accommodation that I know of along those lines is a single lodging just above the rooms of Mr. John Jasper. He’s a great admirer of my own—
DATCHERYAh, is that the fellow who has been much afflicted by the loss of his nephew, Edwin Drood? (PUFFER’s ears pick up at this and SHE calls DEPUTY over)
PUFFERWait on, boy! This much afflicted fellow, John Jasper, is he always dressed in mourning these days?
DEPUTYThat’s the man, and you won’t catch me goin’ near him again.
DATCHERYWhy is that, boy?
DEPUTY‘Cos I ain’t going to be lifted off my legs and choked again.
DATCHERYI find that most interesting. I shall enjoy watching the comings and goings of this town. (HE exits with a nautical gait)
SAPSEAThat man should speak to his tailor.
(Music: tag and out. ROSA, enters with HELENA. PUFFER, stepping away from her chat with DURDLES & DEPUTY, calls to ROSA:)
PUFFERExcuse me, Miss, can you tell me where Mr. John Jasper—
(PUFFER sees ROSA and, doubled up with astonishment, instantly turns away)
ROSAOh, are you ill?
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PUFFER (Hiding her face)No, Miss, I always look this way.
(HELENA steps toward NEVILLE, who has joined other TOWNSPEOPLE, PUFFER steps away...and ROSA finds herself front and center and alone. JASPER, entering, espies her and moves like a cobra towards its selected victim)
JASPER (Suavely)Rosa! We have both been guilty of neglecting your music lessons. When shall we resume?
ROSA (Immense courage)Never, sir.
JASPERAm I being politely told that you have abandoned your studies altogether?
ROSAThe politeness is yours, not mine. I beg not to be questioned— I will not answer any more. At least I have that in my power.
JASPERRosa, I--
ROSAI do not wish to hear you, sir.
(JASPER smiles and takes her arm, twisting it between her body and his, so that his actions can’t be seen by those nearby. HE may even wave a friendly wave to SAPSEA)
JASPERI do not forget how many eyes command a view of us. But you shall hear me, even against your wishes. Dearest Rosa.
(Additional unseen pressure. SHE suppresses a cry of pain)
Charming Rosa. Even when my dear boy was engaged to you, I loved you madly. I hid my— our secret loyalty, did I not?
ROSAYou were as false to him, sir, daily and hourly, as you are now. You know the truth that you made me afraid to open his kind eyes to the truth...that you are a bad, bad man!
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JASPERHow beautiful you are! You are more beautiful in anger than repose! I don’t ask for your love...give me yourself and your hatred, that pretty rage, that enchanting scorn! It will be enough for me. (SHE starts to pull away, but HE snaps her back)I warn you, sweet witch, rare charmer, you must stay or do more harm than can be undone.
ROSAYou’re mad!
JASPERI mean to show you how mad my love is—
ROSA (Bitterly)Love!!! You dare to use that word! (Music begins as Rosa breaks past him.)
JASPERYes.
!4. “THE NAME OF LOVE” & “MOONFALL” (Reprise)
LOVE IS BUT A WORD THAT WANDERED HERE FROM PASTURES GREENWHERE IT WAS RARELY EVER SEEN AND SELDOM SUNG.INNOCENT ENOUGH IT WAS INTENDED TO BE USED ON RARE OCCASIONS,NOT ABUSED BY EVERY TONGUE.RARELY HAS A WORD BEEN EVER TAKEN SO IN VAIN,WHAT LITTLE MEANING MIGHT REMAIN IS QUICKLY BLURRED.NEVER HAS THERE BEEN SO QUITE EXHAUSTED SUCH A TERM,YOUR SIGHS AND SYLLABLES CONFIRM HOW DRAINED THIS WORD.
ROSA JASPERYOU CALL IT LOVE, I CALL IT LOVE.I CALL IT RUDE YOU CALL IT RUDE.I CALL IT SHAM! YOU THINK I AMI CALL IT LEWD A BIT TOO CRUDE.I CALL IT CRUEL. AND I THE FOOL,I CANNOT BEAR YET STILL I DARETO CALL IT LOVE! TO CALL IT LOVE!
I THINK IT FOUL. I SEE YOU SCOWL,I THINK IT VILE. YOU SEE ME SMILE.NO MORE I’LL TAKE ‘TIS YOU I’LL BREAK!OF CUNNING GUILE! I’VE NO DENIALYOU’RE WORSE THAN BAD: MY WORDS ARE MAD:YOU GIVE TO SIN I SPEAK THEM INTHE NAME OF LOVE! THE NAME OF LOVE!
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ROSAROSA BUD THE DAINTY LITTLE FACE WHOSE EVERY CURL CONFIRMS THAT SHE’S A CHILD, A GIRL, A NEOPHYTE:ROSA IS THE ONLY SOUL IN CLOISTERHAM, IT SEEMS,WHO SENSES JUST THE SORT OF DREAMS YOU DREAM AT NIGHT.DID YOU THINK YOUR STARE WOULD STOP ME SEEING?EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING TOLD ME SINCE I WAS BETROTHEDTHAT YOUR MOST UNNATURAL ATTENTION CONJURES WORDS I DARE NOT MENTIONYOU MUST KNOW HOW MUCH I LOATHED
ROSA JASPERTO KNOW YOUR WANTS, YOU KNOW MY WANTS.TO SEE YOU CLUTCH, I NEED NOT CLUTCH.TO HEAR YOUR VOICE, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.TO FEEL YOUR TOUCH! IS IT SO MUCHA DREADFUL TASK FOR ME TO ASK?TO EVEN SPEAK I ONLY SEEKTHE NAME OF LOVE! THE NAME OF LOVE!
I WILL NOT FEAR I LOVE TO HEARMY TRAGIC PLIGHT, THE ANGRY BITEI HAVE A CHOICE: OF YOUR FAIR VOICE!I’LL TAKE TO FLIGHT. ONE BLAZING NIGHT,I’LL NOT PERMIT YOU WILL SUBMITYOU TO DESECRATE AND GIVE YOUR FATETHE NAME OF LOVE! THE NAME OF
THE NAME OF LOVETHE NAME OF LOVE THE NAME OF LOVETHE NAME OF LOVE THE NAME OF LOVETHE NAME OF LOVE THE NAME OF LOVETHE NAME OF LOVE THE NAME OF LOVE
(As THEY segue into “Moonfall,” ROSA tries to break away from JASPER’s hypnotic hold but is repeatedly drawn back in fascinated terror)
LA-LA-LA-LOVE, LA-LA-LA-LOVE, LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LALA-LA-LA-LOVE. LA-LA-LA-LOVE.
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ROSA JASPER ENSEMBLEAND IN THE AND IN THE MOONFALL, MOONFALL, FALL OF THECAN YOU NOT CAN YOU NOT NIGHTSEE THIS VICTIM FREE THIS VICTIM AH--AND LO, HIS SLAVE, YOU SO ENSLAVE?SAVE ME, SAVE ME, ALL OF THE AND YET HE AND LET THESE LIGHT!SEEMS DREAMS GLEAMINGSO IN PAIN! REMAIN, LIKE THE RAINJOHN, YOU MAKE AWAKE, AT DAYLIGHTS BREAKME LIKE STONE, MY OWN, SEE!TRANSFIXED WITH TRANSFIXED WITH TRANSFIXED WITHWONDER, ONE... ONE. --MIXED WITH THE THUNDEROF HIS LOVE. OF THIS LOVE. LOVE--YOU CALL IT LOVE! ME ALL, MY LOVE,THE NAME OF LOVE YOUR NAME IS LOVEIS CHILLING TO ME! AND THRILLING TO ME!
ROSA & JASPERBENEATH THESE SKIES ONE NIGHT UNKNOWN WOULD HE/SHE DARE?BETWEEN OUR EYES ONE SIGHT ALONE WE SHARE
ENSEMBLEAH--
ROSA & JASPERTHE SIGHT OF MOONFALL AS IT COMES INTO VIEW...
ROSA JASPER ENSEMBLESO THAT SO I PROMISE THAT YOU AH-- SHALL BESOON I SOON A GOLDEN IDOL WHOM IONLY OWN AND LOVE AND LEAD AH-- INTO ASEE BUT SEA OF LIGHT! ‘TIS BUT THE FALLINGYOU! MOON! YOU!
SEE BUT YOU! FALLING MOON! SEE BUTYOU!
(ROSA runs off in terror, and JASPER, after a moment, pursues her. PUFFER entering, comments as CAST exists)
PUFFERWell...I’ve just overheard something! Yes, and now I have one of the very bits of information I came here for.
DURDLESThen you’re leaving Cloisterham already?
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PUFFERNot bloody likely! (DURDLES nods and exits. PUFFER continues, to audience)I didn’t come this far only to turn away with but one piece of puzzle in my hand. (Easy musical vamp begins)I’ve never in my wretched life been this close to getting anything I set about after; more the fool I’d be to pull back, just when I’m winning. I’ve never understood those in life who ease up— just when they should push on...
15. “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD”
(PRINCIPALS and ENSEMBLE enter during the number as directed to positions as choreographed for a final “kickline” for ALL)
PUFFERONCE I BET MY LAST TEN PENCE— AND WON.TWICE AS RICH THEN, FRIENDS SAID, “CALL IT DONE!”“HOW SAD,” I SAID.“SO THAT’S YOUR WILDEST DREAM, EH, THEN...TWENTY PENCE INSTEAD OF TEN?DOUBLE UP MY BET AGAIN!IN LIFE, WE START THE SAME AS WHEN WE’RE DONE:IF YOU LOSE, YOU’RE JUST WHERE YOU’VE BEGUN--IF YOU’VE WON, DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD,JUST PRESS YOUR BLESSED LUCK INSTEAD!
DATHCERYDON’T TRY TO THINK WHAT MOVE MIGHT BE THE BEST,USE THE HEART THAT BEATS WITHIN YOUR BREAST,NEVER REST...DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD.SING OUT:
DATCHERY & PUFFER“THERE’S MORE IN STORE FOR ME”
BAZZARD & DURDLESI SEE MY DREAM SHIP FIN’LY COMIN’ INLIKE A STEAMSHIP ANCH’RIN IN TO WIN
PUFFER & DATCHERYLIFT YOUR CHIN! REMEMBER WHAT I SAID,DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD, LET GO!
ROSA & HELENAI KNOW THERE MUST BE LOVE THAT’S YET TO BE,ONLY JUST THREE WINKS AWAY FROM ME,HOPEFULLY...
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PUFFER, DATCHERY, BAZZARD, DURDLESDON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD,DON’T WORRY HOW YOU TREAD. WHO CARES?
NEVILLE & CRISPARKLEAND THERE’S A CHANCE, ONE PIPE-DREAM THAT IS MINE,A ROMANCE, QUITE RIPE UPON THE VINE.
ROSA & HELENADON’T RESIGN!
NEVILLE, CRISPARKLE, ROSA, HELENANO VICTOR EVER FLED!
PUFFER, DATCHERY, BAZZARD, DURDLESDON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD TO STAY!
ALL (PRINCIPALS & ENSEMBLE)TA-RAY-TA-RAH!BOOM!BANG IT, BASH IT, HOO-RAY-HA-RAH!BOOM!CLANG IT, CLASH IT, OO-LAH-DEE-DAH!DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD,DON’T SAY, “I’M OFF TO BED, FAREWELL”
PAGET/JASPER WOMEN (ENS.)FULL WELL I KNOW! DON’T LET THE MOMENT GO TO WASTE AH--NOT WITH VIC-T’RY CLOSE ENOUGH TO TASTE AH--
CHAIRMAN & JASPERHEED THE CALL WITH ALL DUE HASTE!
ALL (PRINCIPALS & ENSEMBLE)FOR GOD’S OWN SAKE!SO RAISE THE STAKE! YOU STRUCK A LUCKY VEIN,NEVER BREAK THROUGH ANY LUCKY CHAIN;THE REFRAIN “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD”AS EAS-LY DONE AS SAID, YOU’LL SEE:
TA-RAY-TA-REE!BOOM!BANG IT, BASH IT, OO, GLORY BE!BOOM!CLANG IT, CLASH IT, OO-LAH-DEE-DEE!DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD,SING OUT, “THERE’S MORE IN STORE FOR ME”THERE’S MUCH MORE FOR ME,THERE’S MUCH MORE FOR ME.84 2-2-16
(End of “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD”; over audience applause, CHAIRMAN calls to PURCELL)
CHAIRMANEncore, Maestro s’il vous plait!
ALL (Singing in a stage whisper)AND NOW AT LAST, WE SEE THE SLIGHTEST GLIMM’RING OF LIGHTQUITE SHIMM’RING IN THE DIM, DULL OF NIGHT.BUT FIN’LLY WE UNWIND THE PLOT.
THE TRUTH IS THIS: WE FIND THAT WHAT BE--(Their voices and the music abruptly cease. PUFFER & DATCHERY look around anxiously; we hear the orchestra members frantically thumbing through their music looking for the next page of score. JASPER/PAGET steps out of character and peers in the direction of the CHAIRMAN as if to ask what is going on. The audience may get the uncomfortable feeling that someone has forgotten a line, that something has gone wrong...the play collapses)
CHAIRMAN (At last, and with great sadness)Ladies and gentlemen, it was at this point in our story that Mr. Charles Dickens laid down his pen forever.
And so, my dear friends, this is all we shall ever know for sure about the mystery of Edwin Drood. Tonight, however, at least within the confines of this humble theatre, we shall together solve, resolve, and conclude: (Gavel once)The Mystery... (Gavel twice)
ALLOf Edwin Droooood! (Final gavel. The curtain closes)
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ACT II - THE VOTING
(Stage of The Music Hall Royale with bright, warm lights, in front of the curtain. ALL actors from the previous scene remain present, now in their VICTORIAN PERSONAE mode except when they re-enact lines from the play)
CHAIRMANOne minor mystery we can resolve immediately, though it has little to do with the plot at hand. You see, most literary experts agree that our enquiring detective, Mr. Dick Datchery, is actually someone we have already met, a character from Act One who is roaming Cloisterham disguised as Datchery so as to better investigate the disappearance of Edwin Drood. And...as many of you have no doubt already guessed, the part of Datchery has been taken thus far this evening by that master and mistress of male impersonation: Miss Alice Nutting!
(With a flourish, DATCHERY twirls off “his” coat, beard and wig to reveal, in abbreviated costume and tights, a fetching and feminine MISS ALICE NUTTING)
But this does not mean that Edwin Drood is Datchery. Oh, no, far from it. The reason for Miss Nutting’s portrayal of Dick Datchery this evening is...well, is that she was contracted to appear in two acts of this play, and our management believes in an honest week’s work for an honest day’s pay, if you catch my drift. Which brings us to our first key question: Is Edwin Drood dead...or alive? Mr. Charles Dickens experimented with many different titles for our story, for example: (In their “own” voices:)
NUTTING/DROODThe Loss of Edwin Drood.
CONOVER/HELENAThe Flight of Edwin Drood.
GRINSTEAD/LANDLESSThe Disappearance of Edwin Drood
CHAIRMANBut nowhere The Death of Edwin Drood. On the other hand, many would say that a mystery without a murder is no mystery at all. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, our questions shall be answered primarily by you. But in a daring and perhaps dangerously democratic move, The Music Hall Royale has decided to grant our company themselves the right to vote upon one issue each night. (COMPANY cheers this news)
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CHAIRMAN (continued)And so, my fellow acolytes of the thespianic persuasion, this evening your question will be...Mr. Throttle?
STAGE MANAGERIS EDWIN DROOD DEAD— OR ALIVE? Miss Nutting, who has a vested interest in the outcome, will kindly turn her back to the cast. (NUTTING does so)Gentlemen, ladies...as your whim takes you this evening. All those who believe Edwin Drood is dead, please raise your hands.
(CAST MEMBERS vote with varying degrees of anxiety, glee, smugness, hesitation, etc., but without exception, vote DROOD dead.)
Thank you. And all those who believe Edwin Drood is alive, do the same now, if you please.
(NUTTING, back to the cast and audience, is the lone but confident hand raised)
Thank you.(NUTTING, certain of the outcome, turns to face audience and CHAIRMAN...)
CHAIRMANI’m sorry, Miss Nutting, but you’ve snuffed it. By a massive majority, I fear. (NUTTING burns and fumes as CHAIRMAN continues:)And our next key Question, Mr. Throttle?
STAGE MANAGER“WHO IS THE DETECTIVE, DICK DATCHERY?”
CHAIRMANWell, we can now safely eliminate Edwin Drood from that consideration, since our cast has voted him dead for the remainder of the evening--
NUTTING (Finally exploding at CAST and CHAIRMAN)Dead? Ha and Bloody Ha Ha! You absolute, envious little peons! It’s obvious to everyone here that DROOD, that I am Datchery, and it’s even more transparent that this petty, jealous cast bitterly resents the attention I’ve received in the local press! Goodbye, all! (NUTTING storms off toward her dressing room.)
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CHAIRMANWell, I— really, Miss Nutting, I’m sure that.. (SHE is gone. CHAIRMAN appeals to audience:)You have no idea the week we’ve had with her. First, her dressing room was too small, then her mustache was too long. I told her she was splitting hairs...well, please yourselves...I must apologize, ladies and gentlemen, for this bit of unpleasantry in what, I’m sure you’ll agree, has been an otherwise flawless evening. But in all fairness to our cast and to our story, I must strenuously point out that many, many literary experts disagree with Miss Nutting’s contention that Edwin Drood and Dick Datchery are one and the same person. Indeed, there are several prime candidates for the face behind Datchery’s beard! For instance, I offer you: Helena Landless! About her, Neville revealed in Act One:
NEVILLE (Stepping forward)“In desperation, Helena tried on more than one occasion to flee our stepfather’s cruel and miserly hand, even disguising herself as a boy.”
CHAIRMANA hit, a palpable hit! But is it a meaningful thrust...or misdirection? Wouldn’t Helena Landless be fearful of pursuing John Jasper, under the given circumstances?
HELENA (Stepping forward)“Not under any circumstances!” (HELENA & NEVILLE step back)
CHAIRMANBut the candidates hardly end there. What say you of— Bazzard?
BAZZARD (Stepping forward)“I love the theatrical world. But there are other stages beyond the proscenium. I long to play a larger part.”
CHAIRMANWho more likely to don such a melodramatic garb and seek the spotlight? Why otherwise does he appear in our story at all?
NEVILLE (Stepping forward)“From my earliest remembrances, I’ve been secret and revengeful.”
CHAIRMANWho more likely to investigate the disappearance of Drood than he who is most suspected of foul play? Or did someone else wish to clear Neville’s name?
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CRISPARKLE (Stepping forward)“Neville has been entrusted to my care.” (NEVILLE steps back)
CHAIRMANThe Reverend Mr. Crisparkle, whose passions and energy lay hidden beneath his clerical garb...perhaps he has adopted yet another uniform, that of Datchery, to save the lad who has been his charge and responsibility. And then there is the puzzling and intriguing possibility of...Rosa! Could it be that we have underestimated the resourcefulness of this woman-child? Did she take it upon herself to investigate the disappearance of Edwin Drood? (CHAIRMAN nods to himself and regards ROSA)Looks can be deceiving.
MALE ENSEMBLE (Knowingly)I’ll say!!
(ROSA, flustered, bats her eyes innocently as the men nod and laugh leeringly with each other)
CHAIRMANThis much I do know for certain: Datchery is not John Jasper, the Princess Puffer, Durdles, Deputy, or even Mayor Sapsea...for in our play and in Mr. Dicken’s novel, they all appear in scenes with him...they are observed to be in his company. And so we are left with the following candidates for the role of The Detective, Dick Datchery: (Candidates step forward to form a line)And may I suggest that we vote the way it is done in amateur theatrical contests? As the handkerchief is held above the head of each candidate, pray applaud for your own favorite in the part of Datchery. And do remember, we have larger decisions still to come. Soon we shall be asking you to decide who is the murderer of Edwin Drood. So don’t merely vote for whichever cast member is a distant cousin of yours for Heaven’s sake. Mr. Throttle, if you please.
(STAGE MANAGER holds handkerchief over appropriate head, identifying candidates, not necessarily in the following order:)
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STAGE MANAGERThe tempestuous Miss Helena Landless!All the way from Ceylon, Mr. Neville Landless!The lovely Miss Rosa Bud!The underrated Mr. Bazzard!That ecstatic ecclesiastic, Reverend Crisparkle
(The field is narrowed until the outcome is clearly determined to the satisfaction of all)
CHAIRMANVery good, (character’s name) is our Datchery tonight! (To newly-elected DATCHERY)You’d best make a quick change of costume. I can see several members of the audience more than ready to assist you in the process. (NEW DATCHERY nods and exits)And now to a much more--
(CHAIRMAN is interrupted by a commotion. NUTTING enters, now dressed in Victorian street clothes and carrying a small vanity bag. NUTTING storms out, optionally leading a lap dog on a leash, across the stage and out the center aisle, never looking back.)
Miss Nutting! Really! Well! (HE allows audience to applaud her as SHE exits)Ladies and gentlemen, please! Such appalling behavior is due entirely to Upbringing! Her parents were in the Iron and Steel business. (Pause)Mother irons, Father steals.
(Regards audience, invites boos...If they occur, turn back on audience in disbelief)
You mean you didn’t like that? Well.
This brings us, ladies and gentlemen, to a much more serious matter. For now, as in all great mystery stories, we must find ourselves...a killer. A culprit. A fiend. In short, the murderer of the dear, departed, vanished, vanquished, late, lamented title character of our play, Edwin Droooood! (Orchestra members shiver. CHAIRMAN rebukes them:)Oh shut up! One more like that and I’ll send you all back to The Salvation Army.
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CHAIRMAN (continued)Who killed Edwin Drood...who shall be our Murderer tonight? First for your consideration, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the most obvious candidate for the part: Mr. Clive Paget as John Jasper!
(PAGET/JASPER who is busy kissing on of the company’s “vivacious ingenues,” steps forward. Perhaps he is booed and hissed roundly by the audience, in which he preens— but in any case:)
Oh, come now, ladies and gentlemen! Do you not know that here at The Music Hall we Boo and Hiss the Villain?
(The audience endeavors to oblige, to which attempt CHAIRMAN admonishes:)
No, no, it’s too late for that now, we’ll have to so the whole thing over again. (HE dispatches PAGET back to his previous mark)Now we’re going to do this until we get it right! Here we go, one more chance: I give you the most obvious candidate for the part of Villain this evening: Mr. Clive Paget as John Jasper!
(Again PAGET steps forward, this time hopefully to sufficient boos from the audience, in which PAGET exults)
Come, come, ladies and gentlemen, let’s do be serious! I ask you: is this the face of a murderer? (HE regards PAGET/JASPER’s matinee smile)Yes, well. More appropriately, I ask you: could this be all there is to the Mystery of Edwin Drood? That John Jasper, the obvious villain of the piece, did indeed kill his nephew, Edwin Drood, in a hopeless attempt to win the love of the fair Miss Rosa Bud. Well, Where Then The Mystery? (Pause)That’s taken the wind out of your sails, Big Mouths, Hasn’t it? Where then the mystery? Where indeed?
So how stand you? For the obvious answer— or for a more perplexing solution?
(The cast members wholeheartedly endorse this possibility and enter the house to prepare for the voting. THROTTLE distributes numbered cards to SUSPECTS as they line up)
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2-V-23
CHAIRMAN (continued)Now certain cast members can be safely eliminated from the bidding: Young DEPUTY and my own MAYOR SAPSEA role were, without question, intended for comic relief, and never figure very intimately in the lives of the other characters...which leaves us with these remaining candidates for the role of Murderer.
(Each character steps forward, not necessarily in this order, as HE/SHE speaks. ALL step back into line after they speak)
HELENAHelena Landless. Did I, in trying to save my brother, bring harm to Edwin Drood? (Dragon Lady snort or snarl)
BAZZARDBazzard. My need for attention has made me quite mad. Someone stop me before I sing again!
ROSARosa Bud. Why on earth would someone as innocent and pure as myself murder my own true Ned?
DURDLESDurdles. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than give Drood a frontal lobotomy.
NEVILLE LANDLESSNeville Landless. In all honesty I cannot recall anything of what transpired once Edwin and I reached the river...but he was an odious little twit and he deserved what he got!
PRINCESS PUFFERPrincess Puffer. Who am I? And what am I?
CRISPARKLEThe Reverend Crisparkle. Have I in some way confused my mission here on earth?
JASPER (Vote takers “hiss” from audience)Thank you very much. John Jasper. I have stood in the cold shade of suspicion since our story began.
CHAIRMANTime, ladies and gentlemen, time at last to decide! And may I suggest for the sake of accuracy, that we vote by a show of hands? So let’s bring up the houselights...and we’ll begin...
(Lights come up and CHAIRMAN looks at the assembled audience)
--good lord! Is this what I’ve been dealing with tonight? No matter, let’s proceed posthaste to the voting. Members of our company are even now circulating among you to count vital votes.
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(Each vote-taker begins to poll their section of the audience, ideally using an audience member to assist in counting the hands or to hold up numbered cards to that section who is being voted for. The overall effect should be cacophony so that it is impossible to tell who is winning overall. The orchestra plays an underscore, and as the suspects begin to sing, the company begins heading back to the stage, taking their vote totals into the wings. When all the vote-takers have returned, the STAGE
MANAGER crosses to the CHAIRMAN with a glass of port)
VOTING: “A BRITISH SUBJECT” [Reprise] - Orchestra Underscore “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD” [Reprise}
CHAIRMAN & SUSPECTSYOU’VE WATCHED US FROWN. LEER,PEER AT EVERY SOUL IN THE TOWN,WE’RE FIT TO FILL THE ROLE...SETTLE DOWN!YOUR VERDICT WILL BE CLEAR,YOUR MURD’RER PICKED IS HERE IN SIGHT!TONIGHT YOU CHOOSEFROM CANDIDATES GALORE,WIN OR LOSE,YOU’RE GRAND INQUISITOR.HERE’S THE NEWS:YOUR JUDGEMENT HAS BEEN PASSED,YOU’VE SETTLED UP THE SCOREATLAST!
CHAIRMANLadies and gentlemen, we have determined the murderer in our midst! I shall now offer a sip of port to your chosen fiend that he— or she— will know your verdict. And ladies and gentlemen, so that the final denouement may come as a complete surprise, for the next few moments I strenuously request that you close your eyes, tightly. Pray close your eyes then now!
FLO (Screaming at the cheaters in the audience)Close your eyes!
CHAIRMAN (HE makes no move but continues to speak)I am offering the port... our murderer is drinking it...right, you may all open your eyes. (ALL suspects wipe their lips)
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CHAIRMAN (continued)You see, you cannot trust anyone here tonight! And so, ladies and gentlemen, as our cast departs backstage where at this very moment your votes are being counted, I only caution you to prepare for a few unexpected twists and turns, as we serpentine towards the conclusion that you have chosen for us tonight! (Houselights slowly dim to drum roll)And so, friends of the Music Hall Royale...For the first time...and at long last...By your own determination...The conclusion...the finale of... (Gavel once)The Mystery (Gavel twice)
COMPANYOf Edwin Drooooooooooooood!!
ACT II - THE SOLUTION
(Fanfare as the curtain rises on High Street near the Cathedral. It is a bewitching cobalt dawn)
CHAIRMANThe first chapter of Mr. Dickens’ novel was entitled: “The Dawn.” (Music fades out)Perhaps not coincidentally, the last chapter he wrote was called “The Dawn Again.” So, yes, let us begin our last chapter amid the cold grey tendrils of a dim English dawn.
(CHAIRMAN exits. PUFFER is standing in a corner of the Cathedral. Rushing by, dressed for travel, is ROSA, bag in hand)
PUFFEROoh, it’s bloody freezin’ again. ‘Ere, Missy. (ROSA stops but is still obviously in a hurry)
ROSAWhat— what is it?
PUFFERCan you spare three and six for a Christian soul in distress?
ROSAWe’re both Christian souls in distress, I fear, and I have little more than three and six to get me to London.
PUFFERRunning away from something?
ROSAYes. At long last, yes. And now I must--
PUFFERRosa.
ROSAHow on earth could you know my name?
PUFFERKnow? I’ve only known since the day you were born. Only bathed you and fed you... Don’t look at me, Rosa, I don’t want you to see me this way. But can you remember your nanny, Rosa, some twelve years ago? Will you look at me now, my own darling girl, and see your Nan instead?
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ROSANan...somewhere...I was six and then you weren’t there anymore.
PUFFERYou do remember. God love you, you never really know your mother, did you? I was the closest thing to that for you.
ROSABut why did you leave me?
PUFFERIt’s a sad story, Rosa... (Music starts)but a common one, I fear.
16. “THE GARDEN PATH”
PUFFERI WAS ONCE YOUR NANTHEN I MET A MANTALL AND ALL WITH GOLDEN HAIR,HE’S WHERE MY END BEGAN.LET HIM HAVE HIS WAY WITH ME; HE KNEW HIS WAY SO WELLLED ME DOWN THE GARDEN PATH TO HELL.
MARRIAGE IN ME ‘EADWHAT I GOT INSTEADRUINATION AND DESPAIRTO SIN MY FATE WAS LEDI GAVE MY GENT MY EVERY CENT, AND HE GAVE ME FAREWELLLEAVING ME TO WEED THE PATH TO HELL.
LIFE’S A MAZE OF HEDGES THAT PRICKLE YOU,AS THEY TICKLE YOU, THEY’LL TEAR YOU ALL ABOUT.STROLLING THROUGH THE MAZE IS AMUSING, TOO, BUT CONFUSING WHEN YOU FIND THERE’S NO WAY OUT.
SOLD MY SOUL TO SINSO I TURNED TO GINABANDONED ALL, EMBRACED MY FALLTHIS WORLD I’M TRAPPED WITHINMY VIRTUE LOST, SURVIVAL’S COST: DARK VICES I MUST SELL.HERE’S A TOT FOR YOU, SIR.PRICE IS FIVE AND TWO, SIR.
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PUFFER (continued)
CAN’T YOU SEE THE GARDEN?IT’S SUCH A LOVELY GARDEN.I’LL TAKE YOU THERE; I KNOW THE PATH SO WELLTO HELL…TO HELL.
17. “PUFFER’S REVELATION”
ROSA, MY CHILD, MY OWN,I’M DEEP ASHAMED YOU WENT THROUGH LIFE ALONE.AND YET DESPITE MY DRE’FUL FALL FROM GRACE,I NEVER ONCE FORGOT YOUR NAME OR FACE.
(If Rosa is DATCHERY, SHE exits to change into DATCHERY costume)
ONE ICY EVENING, A CLIENT OF MINEBEGAN TO RAVE AND CRAVE SOME LAUDANUM WINE,AND AS HE DRANK HIS CUP OF SATAN’S BLOOD,HE MADE THE GREAT MISTAKE OF CRYING “ROSA BUD!”
NOW IT’S ONE THING FOR THEM LIKE METO MIX AND MINGLE WITH THE LIKES OF HE.
WE ARE BOTH MADE FROM GOD’S MOST LOWLY CLAY AND MUD...BUT HOW COMES THIS MAN TO CRY OUT “ROSA BUD”! WELL,I CAN’T SEE TO CLEAR BUT I FOLLOWED HIM HERE.FINDING OUT WHO WAS WHO,I’VE COME BACK A TIME OR TWO.THE LAST NIGHT, TRACKING ME, WAS THIS MISTER DATCHERY
SO, I FOLLOW HIS TRACKS TO HIS LODGINGS IN THE BACKSTHO’ I HATE TO CONFESS, WELL, I WATCHED THIS MAN UNDRESSAND I SAW SUDDENWISE HIM WITHOUT HIS BOLD DISGUISE (DATCHERY enters)
(If DATCHERY is BAZZARD:)AND THE JOB TOOK THEATRICS AND NO FEAR OF HAZARD...DICK DATCHERY IS BAZZARD!
(PUFFER and ROSA exit when they see DATCHERY. Go to page 2-S-30)
(If DATCHERY is REVEREND CRISPARKLE:)TOOK A QUICK CHANGE OF ROBES AND A MIND EVEN QUICKER...DICK DATCHERY IS THE VICAR!
(PUFFER and ROSA exit when they see DATCHERY. Go to page 2-S-32)
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(If DATCHERY is HELENA LANDLESS:)TOOK A BRAVE STRENGTH OF WILL AND MUCH WIT TO HAVE PLANNED THIS...DICK DATCHERY IS MISS LANDLESS!
(PUFFER and ROSA exit when they see DATCHERY. Go to page 2-S-34)
(If DATCHERY IS NEVILLE LANDLESS:)THO’ MY MORALS ARE TILTED, MY EYESIGHT IS LEVEL...DICK DATHCERY IS NEVILLE!
(PUFFER and ROSA exit when they see DATCHERY. Go to page 2-S-36)
(If DATCHERY IS ROSA:)UNDERNEATH ALL THAT HAIR WAS A FAIR WHITE MIMOSA...DICK DATCHERY WAS ROSA!
(PUFFER exits when SHE sees DATCHERY. Go to page 2-S-38)
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18. “OUT ON A LIMERICK”
(If BAZZARD is DATCHERY, laughing, HE pulls off his false beard and wig)
BAZZARDYES, IT IS I— I GLADLY REVEAL!MY JOY IN TELLING ALL I CANNOT CONCEAL.AUTHOR AM I AT LEAST OF THIS PAGE.JOYFULLY NOW I TAKE CENTER-STAGE.
MY MOTIVE IN TAKING THIS PARTWAS TO HONE EVEN FURTHER MY ART.A THEATRICAL BENT AND A COSTUME THAT’S LENTLET ME STRIVE FOR WHAT’S DEAR TO MY HEART:
THE CHANCE FOR SOME PUBLIC ACCLAIM,JUST A SHRED OF A SECOND OF FAME!AS A PLAYWRIGHT A PLOT TO UNRAVEL SHOULD NOTPOSE A PROBLEM MUCH HARDER TO TAME.
THIS WAS MY GREATEST AUDITION--TWO DECENT ROLES AT ONE TIME!FINALLY SOME RECOGNITION,STAGING THE SCENE OF THE CRIME,GOING OUT ON A LIMERICK, OUT ON A LIMERICK,OUT ON A LIMERICK AIR!
I FOUND A THEATRICAL KIT,AND AS DATCHERY I DID MY BITSO TO CLEAR NEVILLE’S NAME,(I CONFESS TO MY SHAME,‘TWAS FOR VANITY, TOO, I ADMIT).I FOLLOWED JOHN JASPER HIGH-LOW,FOUND THE DENS HE DESCENDS TO BELOW,AND WHEN PUFFER CAME HERE‘TWAS IMMEDIATELY CLEARMY SUSPICIONS WERE QUITE APROPOS.
SO I CREPT IN THE LODGINGS OF JASPER,DRESSED IN THIS WIG, WHAT A SIGHT!
(BAZZARD produces ROSA’s clasp from Act I, which HE displays prominently for audience’s benefit)
THERE I FOUND ROSA BUD’S CLASP, HERMOTHER’S SHE GAVE DROOD THAT NIGHT.JASPER TOOK IT FORM NED AFTER HURLING HIM DEADTO THE WEIR RIVERBED, I SUPPOSE.TELL HIM THAT DATCHERY KNOWS!
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AND THE PROOF IS QUITE CLEAR,LET US BRING JASPER HERETO BE TRIED AND THE TIED UP AND STRUNG!AND FROM THIS LIMERICK, LET HIM BE HUNG!
(JASPER is hurled from his home by HORACE and OTHERS towards the audience, TOWNSPEOPLE and PRINCIPALS enter)
(Go to page 2-S-40)
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18. “OUT ON A LIMERICK”
(If CRISPARKLE is DATCHERY, laughing, HE pulls of the false beard and wig)
CRISPARKLEYES, IT IS I— MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEARED!I’VE DONNED A FROCK BEFORE BUT NEVER A BEARDDEAD NOW IS DATCH’RY BORN ON A WHIM.WE CAN DISPENSE WITH LAST RITES FOR HIM.
(Lays down DATCHERY clothing, blesses it, and removes his own collar defiantly)
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN WHO WAS DRESSEDIN A CLERICAL COLLAR AND VEST,AND IF ANYONE KNEWHE HAD FEELINGS LIKE YOU,THEY’D REPLY TO HIM, “SURELY YOU JEST”!
PARISHIONERS TAKE GREAT OFFENSEAT ALL PRIESTS WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE GENTS.WE CAN CONSECRATE WINE,SPEAK OF “THEE, THOU, OR THINE,”BUT WE MUSTN’T TAKE HOLD OF EVENTS.
IT WAS A BOLD REVOLUTION,TURNING MY COLLAR AROUND!SEEKING THIS PUZZLES SOLUTION,FINDING WHAT WAS TO BE FOUND!I WAS OUT ON A LIMERICK, OUT ON A LIMERICK,OUT ON A LIMERICK AIR!
I FOUND A THEATRICAL KIT,AND AS DATCHERY I DID MY BITSO TO CLEAR NEVILLE’S NAME,(I CONFESS TO MY SHAME,‘TWAS FOR HELENA, TOO, I ADMIT).I FOLLOWED JOHN JASPER HIGH-LOW,FOUND THE DENS HE DESCENDS TO BELOW,AND WHEN PUFFER CAME HERE‘TWAS IMMEDIATELY CLEARMY SUSPICIONS WERE QUITE APROPOS,
SO I CREPT IN THE LODGINGS OF JASPER,DRESSED IN THIS GARB, WHAT A SIGHT!
(CRISPARKLE produces ROSA’s clasp from Act I, which HE displays prominently for audience’s benefit)
THERE I FOUND ROSA BUD’S CLASP, HERMOTHER’S SHE GAVE DROOD THAT NIGHT.JASPER TOOK IT FORM NED AFTER HURLING HIM DEADTO THE WEIR RIVERBED, I SUPPOSE.REVEREND DATCHERY KNOWS!
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AND THE PROOF IS QUITE CLEAR,LET US BRING JASPER HERETO BE TRIED AND THE TIED UP AND STRUNG!AND FROM THIS LIMERICK, LET HIM BE HUNG!
(JASPER is hurled from his home by HORACE and OTHERS towards the audience, TOWNSPEOPLE and PRINCIPALS enter)
(Go to page 2-S-40)
18. “OUT ON A LIMERICK”
(If HELENA is DATCHERY, laughing vibrantly, SHE pulls the false beard and wig from her face)
HELENATHANK GOD FOR THAT! THE SHEEP HAS BEEN SHEARED!I DON’T KNOW HOW MEN LIVE THROUGH HEAT WITH A BEARD.GLADLY I SHED THIS TENT OF A COAT.MY EXPLANATION I NOW EMOTE:
MY MOTIVE IN TAKING THIS ROLEOF A WIGGED AND WHITE-WHISKERED SOULWAS TO ABLY DISGUISEMY MOST FEMININE SIZEWHEN I’D TAKE AN ENQUIRING STROLL.
FOR STRANGERS WHO’LL CHAT WITH A CHAP, AND REVEAL THIS AND THAT IN A SNAP,ARE REMARKABLY LEERY OF WOMEN WHO QUERYTOO MUCH. IT’S A GREAT HANDICAP.
SO THIS DISGUISE SAW ME THROUGH IT,PLAYING THE PART OF A MAN!REALLY THERE’S NOTHING MUCH TO IT--MOST ANY ANIMAL CAN!CLIMBING OUT ON A LIMERICK, OUT ON A LIMERICK,OUT ON A LIMERICK AIR!
I FOUND A THEATRICAL KIT,AND AS DATCHERY I DID MY BITSO TO CLEAR NEVILLE’S NAME,(I CONFESS TO MY SHAME,‘TWAS FOR VENGEANCE AS WELL, I ADMIT).I FOLLOWED JOHN JASPER HIGH-LOW,FOUND THE DENS HE DESCENDS TO BELOW,AND WHEN PUFFER CAME HERE‘TWAS IMMEDIATELY CLEARMY SUSPICIONS WERE QUITE APROPOS.
SO I CREPT IN THE LODGINGS OF JASPER,DRESSED IN THIS GARB, WHAT A SIGHT!
(HELENA produces ROSA’s clasp from Act I, which SHE displays prominently for audience’s benefit)
THERE I FOUND ROSA BUD’S CLASP, HERMOTHER’S SHE GAVE DROOD THAT NIGHT.JASPER TOOK IT FORM NED AFTER HURLING HIM DEADTO THE WEIR RIVERBED, I SUPPOSE.“HELENA DATCHERY” KNOWS!
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AND THE PROOF IS QUITE CLEAR,LET US BRING JASPER HERETO BE TRIED AND THE TIED UP AND STRUNG!AND FROM THIS LIMERICK, LET HIM BE HUNG!
(JASPER is hurled from his home by HORACE and OTHERS towards the audience, TOWNSPEOPLE and PRINCIPALS enter)
(Go to page 2-S-40)
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18. “OUT ON A LIMERICK”
(If NEVILLE is DATCHERY, laughing, HE pulls the wig and beard from his face)
NEVILLETHANK GOD FOR THAT— I GLADLY UNMASK!TO WEAR THIS COAT IN JUNE IS REALLY A TASK.THERE LIES DICK DATCHERY, BORN ON A WHIM.WE CAN DISPENSE OF LAST RITES FOR HIM.
MY MOTIVE IN TAKING THIS ROLLOF A WIGGED AND WHITE-WHISKERED SOULWAS TO GET MYSELF BACK TO THIS CITY AND TRACKDOWN THE CULPRIT...WITH THAT AS MY GOAL,
I HAD ALSO INTENDED TO FINDJUST WHAT JASPER HAD ON HIS MIND.MUCH TO EAGER IS HETHAT ALL CLOISTERHAM SEEME THE MURDERER--GOD, ARE THEY BLIND!
ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SUSPICIOUSTHAT I HAD KILLED EDWIN DROOD,AND WITH THEIR ANGER SO VISCOUS,I WORE THIS COSTUME SO CRUDE,STEPPING OUT ON A LIMERICK, OUT OF A LIMERICK,OUT ON A LIMERICK AIR!
I FOUND A THEATRICAL KIT,AND AS DATCHERY I DID MY BITSO TO CLEAR MY GOOD NAME,FROM THE BLEMISH OF BLAME,(‘TWAS FOR HELENA, TOO, I ADMIT).I FOLLOWED JOHN JASPER HIGH-LOW,FOUND THE DENS HE DESCENDS TO BELOW,AND WHEN PUFFER CAME HERE‘TWAS IMMEDIATELY CLEARMY SUSPICIONS WERE QUITE APROPOS.
SO I CREPT IN THE LODGINGS OF JASPER,DRESSED IN THIS GARB, WHAT A SIGHT!
(NEVILLE produces ROSA’s clasp from Act I, which HE displays prominently for audience’s benefit)
THERE I FOUND ROSA BUD’S CLASP, HERMOTHER’S SHE GAVE DROOD THAT NIGHT.JASPER TOOK IT FORM NED AFTER HURLING HIM DEADTO THE WEIR RIVERBED, I SUPPOSE.TELL HIM THAT DATCHERY KNOWS!
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AND THE PROOF IS QUITE CLEAR,LET US BRING JASPER HERETO BE TRIED AND THE TIED UP AND STRUNG!AND FROM THIS LIMERICK, LET HIM BE HUNG!
(JASPER is hurled from his home by HORACE and OTHERS towards the audience, TOWNSPEOPLE and PRINCIPALS enter)
(Go to page 2-S-40)
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18. “OUT ON A LIMERICK”
(If ROSA is DATCHERY, laughing vibrantly, SHE pulls the false beard and wig from her face)
ROSATHANK GOD FOR THAT! THE SHEEP HAS BEEN SHEARED!I DON’T KNOW HOW MEN LIVE THROUGH HEAT WITH A BEARD.GLADLY I SHED THIS TENT OF A COAT.MY EXPLANATION I NOW EMOTE:
MY MOTIVE IN TAKING THIS ROLEOF A WIGGED AND WHITE-WHISKERED SOULWAS TO ABLY DISGUISEMY MOST FEMININE SIZEWHEN I’D TAKE AN ENQUIRING STROLL.
FOR STRANGERS WHO’LL CHAT WITH A CHAP, AND REVEAL THIS AND THAT IN A SNAP,ARE REMARKABLY LEERY OF WOMEN WHO QUERYTOO MUCH. IT’S A GREAT HANDICAP.
SO THIS DISGUISE SAW ME THROUGH IT,PLAYING THE PART OF A MAN!REALLY THERE’S NOTHING MUCH TO IT--MOST ANY ANIMAL CAN!CLIMBING OUT ON A LIMERICK, OUT ON A LIMERICK,OUT ON A LIMERICK AIR!
I FOUND A THEATRICAL KIT,AND AS DATCHERY I DID MY BITSO TO CLEAR NEVILLE’S NAME,(I CONFESS TO MY SHAME,‘TWAS FOR VENGEANCE AS WELL, I ADMIT).I FOLLOWED JOHN JASPER HIGH-LOW,FOUND THE DENS HE DESCENDS TO BELOW,AND WHEN PUFFER CAME HERE‘TWAS IMMEDIATELY CLEARMY SUSPICIONS WERE QUITE APROPOS.
SO I CREPT IN THE LODGINGS OF JASPER,DRESSED IN THIS GARB, WHAT A SIGHT!
(ROSA produces HER clasp from Act I, which SHE displays prominently for audience’s benefit)
THERE I FOUND MY MOTHER’S CLASP, THEONE I GAVE EDWIN THAT NIGHT.JASPER TOOK IT FORM NED AFTER HURLING HIM DEADTO THE WEIR RIVERBED, I SUPPOSE.“ROSA BUD DATCHERY” KNOWS!
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AND THE PROOF IS QUITE CLEAR,LET US BRING JASPER HERETO BE TRIED AND THE TIED UP AND STRUNG!AND FROM THIS LIMERICK, LET HIM BE HUNG!
(JASPER is hurled from his home by HORACE and OTHERS towards the audience, TOWNSPEOPLE and PRINCIPALS enter)
(Go to “JASPER’S CONFESSION”)
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19. “JASPER’S CONFESSION”
(Angry TOWNSPEOPLE drag JASPER on stage; HIS face goes from terror of being caught to the joy of demonical rage... from which the TOWNSPEOPLE, now fearful, cringe with horrified screams. CRISPARKLE emerges from the crowd and boldly produces a large cross from his costume; JASPER writhes in its glint like Dracula pinioned by a shaft of daylight, and cries ecstatically:)
JASPERI WILL NOT LIEI WISHED NED TO DIE! (Reflectively) TWICE DEAD AM I.
A MAN COULD SPLIT IN TWAIN,YET TO ALL EYES REMAINA SOUL GENTEEL WHO CAN CONCEALTHE VENOM IN HIS BRAIN.AND IF HE DRAWS UPON THE PAUSEIN MADNESS LAUDANUM WINE SUPPLIES--WHY THIS GREAT SURPRISE?
THERE ARE TWO MEN IN ME,AND CUNNING BRIGHT IS HEWHO HIDES HIMSELF,RESIDES HIMSELFWHERE I’VE NO EYES TO SEE.BUT NOW I THINK I’M AT THE BRINK OF BREAKING THROUGH THE DOOR--I’M IN, HE’S OUT. I’M OUT, HE’S FREE,I’M FREE, I’M ME ONCE MORE! (Totally evil now)HOW MANY TIMES I’VE KILLED THAT DROOD UPON MY FLIGHTS!MY FLIGHTS THAT BURST THE SMUG PRESUMPTION OF HIS RIGHTS--HIS RIGHTS AS HEIR, HIS RIGHTS TO SHARE MY ROSA’S BED--IT TOOK NO STRETCH FOR ME TO PICTURE EDWIN DEAD!THAT NIGHT I POURED THEM BOTH DEEP CUPS OF LAUDANUM,AND THEN TO TOAST MY NED AND NEVILLE, I DRANK SOME.THAT’S WHEN MY GREATEST FLIGHT OF FANCY DID TAKE PLACE:I WATCHED MY HANDS OUTSTRETCHED TOWARDS EDWIN’S PALE WHITE FACE,AND IN THE MOONFALL, I SAW MY FINGERSCLUTCHING HIS NECK SO TIGHTLY,TOUCHING MY SLEEVE HE FELL SO LIGHTLY!MOONFALL THEN FELL ON ME...
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BUT, GOD, THE DEED WAS MUCH TOO EAS’LY DONE:AS MUCH AS OVER ONCE IT HAD BEGUN!SUCH TRAGEDY TO FINALLY MAKE THE KILLAND NOT TO AWAKE TO TASTE THE THRILL.NOW I’VE CONFESSED!NOW WE BOTH CAN REST!
(DURDLES, who has been loitering about and observing things from a distance, bursts forth, bellowing:)
[NOTE: Company Stage Manager must tell the Conductor which candidate has been selected as the MURDERER for this performance so musicians can prepare “confession” music]
DURDLESNo, I can’t let it happen! (To JASPER as SAPSEA enter)Yes, you placed the coat that young DROOD wore that night down at the River Weir to throw suspicion on Neville Landless. You’re a bad one, Jasper, when the evil one is inside of you! But you’re not a murderer! You didn’t kill Edwin Drood!
SAPSEADurdles...let me understand— are you saying that John Jasper did not kill his nephew?
DURDLES (See * below)Exactly, your Lordship, sir. It was a wild night that Christmas Eve, as you’ll remember, squire, and I’d sought shelter near Mr. Jasper’s door. That’s when I saw one amongst you throttle Edwin Drood, and in a convenient flash of lightening I saw who it was!
*(If DURDLES is the murderer, he says the following instead of the above paragraph)
Exactly, your Lordship, sir. It was a wild night that Christmas Eve, as you’ll remember, squire, and I’d sought shelter near Mr. Jasper’s door. I’d been taking in more of the Christmas spirits than even I’m accustomed to, and I fear that I couldn’t raise a hand to help as John Jasper throttles his poor nephew, Edwin Drooooooooooooood! (In either case, as CRICKER:)That was quite a long speech, Bill. Think I could have a quick nip of port?
SAPSEADurdles!!
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DURDLESRight! Suddenly I see Mr. Jarsper stagger out of his own home under the influence of potent medicine, and suddenly he collapses. And then he gets up and he picks up young Drood, and he carries him into the cathedral and the down into the crypt, depositing the body-- (HE suppresses a laugh)--right in Mrs. Sapsea’s tomb.
SAPSEAWhat?
DURDLESYes, I told you there was plenty of room in there--
SAPSEABut now you must tell us Durdles, who did it?
DURDLES (Savoring the moment, HE regards the candidates)Lord love me... (If DURDLES is the murderer)...I killed Edwin Drood. (Go to page 2-S-45) (If DURDLES isn’t the murderer)...It was (Next line according to the audiences vote)
Bazzard! (Go to page 2-S-43)The Reverend Crisparkle! (Go to page 2-S-44)Helena Landless! (Go to page 2-S-46)Neville Landless! (Go to page 2-S-47)The Princess Puffer! (Go to page 2-S-48)Miss Rosa Bud! (Go to page 2-S-49)
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20. “MURDERER’S CONFESSION” (BAZZARD)
(With his desperate need for one moment in the spotlight, HE has become quite mad. His confession is lightly comedic, and his joy in at last being the object of everyone’s attention would be almost charmingly touching, were it not for the minor fact that HE has murdered DROOD to achieve his lifelong ambition. Still, it is hard not to feel happy for him)
BAZZARDI SAW THE CHANCE TO BE A LEGEND IN MY TIME,FOR ALL IN TOWN THOUGHT NEVILLE MIGHT DO VIOLENT CRIME.TO SOLVE A MYST-RY WOULD PLUCK ME FROM OFF MY SHELF,SO I INSURED THE CRIME BY KILLING DROOD MYSELF!
DETECTIVES IN COMMANDMUST HAVE A CASE IN HAND.TO GAIN ACCLAIM, THEIR SHARE OF FAME,THE PUBLIC DOES DEMANDA CONTROVERSIAL CRIME PERVERSE. SHALLI GO ON TO TELL YOU MORE?SINCE I HAVE THE FLOOR:
YOUNG NEVILLE HAD BEEN CRUDE,AND EDWIN DOUBLY RUDE,SO I SET OUT TO BRING ABOUTTHE DEATH OF EDWIN DROOD!AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE THIS REGION’S HOTLY-ARGUED RAGE,
AND I KNOW ALL,I NOW SHOW ALL,AT LAST I’M CENTER STAGE!
AND I TIED THE KNOTAROUND HIS NECKAND HIS HEAD WAS STRUCK NEARBY!I THOUGHT AS HE FELLDOWN INTO THE MUCK--THAT FIN-LLY THE LUCK HAVE I!THAT FIN-LLY THE LUCK HAVE I! (Play continues on page 2-S-51)
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20. "MURDERER'S CONFESSION" (CRISPARKLE)
CRISPARKLECOULD ROSA'S MOTHER LOVE ANOTHER? KNOW YOU WELL:IF MAN SHOULD LAND A HAND ON HER, HE'D GO TO HELL!I'M FREE FROM BLASPHEMY BUT AS SOME SEE ME CRUDE:THROUGH C. OF E...STILL I CONFESS: I MURDERED DROOD!
I SAW ANOTHER IN ROSA'S FACE:FAIR ROSA'S MOTHER STOOD IN HER PLACE!AND COULD I LET THIS EDWIN DROODHAVE HER I'D LOVED AND WOOED?THIS LOVE OF MINE MUST NEVER WED!ONE SHOVE OF MINE AND DROOD WAS DEAD!BAPTISED WITH BASHES, HIS NECK I TRUSSED!CAPSIZED TO ASHED, THUS DUST TO DUST.AND THEN I BORE HIM FROM THE GLOOMAND SANCTIFIED THE TOMB.
HE CEASED TO SHIVER! HE CEASED TO QUIVER!I DID DELIVER HIM TO GOD!
(Gestures towards ROSA)AND SHE IS MINE NOW, A LOVE DIVINE NOW --SOME FIND ME ODD, BUTLIVING AM I AND VANQUISHED IS DROOD!SATAN MUST DIE AND VANQUISHED IS DROOD!
(Proud of a job well-done, HE is amiably chirpy)Well that's that, then! I couldn't let anyone, not even Drood, marry Rosa's mother, could I, eh John?
JASPER (Still stunned by all that has transpired)
You're a warped man, Reverend Crisparkle. Rosa's mother, the woman you loved, has been dead some dozen years! Drood was no threat to you.
CRISPARKLEOh, really? Really? Well, the joke's on me then, isn't it? Well, I must be off. Bless you all!
(CRISPARKLE is seized as HE attempts to exit. Music: dissonant tremolo and out)
(Play continues on page 2-S-51)
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20. "MURDERER'S CONFESSION" (DURDLES)
DURDLESWHAT REASON COULD I HAVE TO EVER WANT DROOD DEAD?WHY WOULD I WANT TO HARM A HAIR UPON HIS HEAD? (To audience)BUT I'M THE CANDIDATE YOU ROWDY LOT HAVE CHOSE-- (To all)AND SO MY MOTIVES NOW I FEAR I MUST DISCLOSE.
(To the tune of the "OFF TO THE RACES" sung in a slow ad lib tempo)
AFTER JASPER LAID HIS NEPHEW IN THE CRYPT, HE FLED!WITH QUARTS OF PORT, TO DROOD I DRANK A TOAST.WHEN I HEARD HIM MOANING, GROANING, IN MY DRUNKEN HEAD (Declaims)I THOUGHT DROOD WAS A GHOST!THEN, (Sung in tempo)HE STARTED SCREAMIN'JUST LIKE A DEMON--IT WAS A DREADFUL CRY!DRUNKEN STIFF, MY MIND DID HEAR IT AS A DIFFERENT KIND OF SPIRIT,SO I BASHED HIM, SMASHED HIM...THE MURDERER AM I...! MUCH THANKS, GOOD-BYE!
(Play continues on page 2-S-51)
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20. "MURDER'S CONFESSION" (HELENA)
HELENATHE WORDS SO RUDE OF DROOD HAD CAUSED ME GREAT ALARM:THAT DEVIL MIGHT CAUSE NEVILLE TO CAUSE HIM SOME HARM!SISTER AND MOTHER TO MY BROTHER I HAVE BEEN--AND SO TO SMOTHER DROOD, I HAD TO DO DROOD IN!
I MEANT NO VIOLENCE, THAT CHRISTMAS MORN:I MEANT TO SILENCE THIS EDWIN'S SCORN.THE SKY IT WEPT, NO VIEW OF LIGHTAS I CREPT INTO THE NIGHT!UNSTEADY DROOD, HALF-DAZED WITH WINE...THIS "EDDY" DROOD HAD RAISED MY SPINE!I TOOK MY VEIL OFF, AND LOST MY MIND!MY VEIL DID SAIL OFF, I TOSSED IT BLIND.IT WOUND AND BOUND HIS CAPED COATAND DRAPED AROUND HIS THROAT.
I MEANT TO GAG HIM, BUT I DID SNAG HIM,SO I DID DRAG HIM OFF TO HELL!I'D KILL ANOTHER, TO SAVE MY BROTHER--I DID IT WELL!AND GUILTY AM I AND BLAMLESS IS HE--GUILTY AM I, I CRY...SHAMELESSLY!
And, Rosa! Forgive me for taking your lovely boy away from you.I only meant to save my brother...Rosa...Mr. Crisparkle...Neville, I need someone's forgiveness! (Collapses weeping, rises snarling)Damn you all! (Music: dissonant tremolo and out)
(Play continues on page 2-S-51)
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20 "MURDERER'S CONFESSION" (NEVILLE)
NEVILLEI WAS THE LIKELIEST OF SUSPECTS YOU COULD FIND--SO QUALIFIED, YOU RULED ME OUT OF SIGHT AND MIND.OF COURSE I KILLED OUR "MASTER NED"! COULD I FOREGOTHE CHANCE TO GAIN MY PRIDE AND ROSA WITH ONE BLOW?
I CAME TO THIS PLACE WITH BUT ONE PLAN:THAT YOU VIEW THIS FACE AND ENGLISHMAN!BUT ALL YOU SAW WAS MY HOT BLOODAND I...SAW ROSA BUD!EDWIN, TWAS SAID, WAS HER GRAND ROMANCE.WITH EDWIN DEAD, I'D STAND A CHANCE!THAT COLD DECEMBER, MY BLOOD WAS WARM.WE STROLLED TOGETHER AGAINST THE STORM.THE BEST OF CHUMS, WE LAUGHED AND TALKED,AS HOME TO REST, DROOD WALKED.
MY MOOD WAS BLACK THEN!THUNDER DID CRACK THEN!HE TURNED HIS BACK, THEN I DID LUNGE!HIS NECK I KNOTTED, HIS THROAT GARROTTED,HE TOOK THE PLUNGE AND ENGLISH HE STOOD AND ENGLISH HE FELL!I SENT HIM TO HIS GOOD ENGLISH HELL!
(Play continues on page 2-S-51)
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20. "MURDERER'S CONFESSION" (PUFFER)
(As Puffer reveals, her only motive was to protect ROSA from the evil side of JOHN JASPER, (PUFFER'S best client), in the only way a woman of the streets and of crime would know. But she has our sympathy, perhaps even our laughter)
PUFFERMAY GOD HAVE MERCY, YOUR FORGIVENESS DO I NEED.MY STRING OF SINS ENDS HERE WITH THIS MOST DREADFUL DEED.I ONLY MEANT TO SAVE MY ROSA BUD, IT’S TRUEYOU DEVIL JASPER! DAMN, I MEANT TO MURDER YOU! (She steps forward, pleading her case directly to us)
COULD I SEE MY ROSEBUD THREATENED BY THIS MAN OF MASSIVE SIN?HE’D REVEALED HIS VILE INTENTIONS, SO I HAD TO DO HIM IN.TO MY ENDLESS RUINATION, I INDULGED IN ME OWN BREW;IN MY SWEET INTOXICATION, I SAW DROOD… (to JASPER)…AND THOUGHT HIM YOU!
SO I SAY TO ALL WHO’LL HEAR ME,YOU MUST PLAN A MURDER WELL.YOU MUST VIEW YOUR VICTIM CLEARLYAS YOU SEND HIM OFF TO HELL.
WHEN I KILLED, ‘TWAS WELL-INTENDED!DRINK AND SMOKE’S WHAT DID ME IN.FOR MY DEEDS, I’M APPREHENDED!THEM’S THE WAGES OF SIN! (Shouts)Everyone now! (Sings with COMPANY and AUDIENCE)THEM’S THE WAGES OF SIN – (Cajoles)Oh, bloody hell. Don’t you know they hang women these days? This is undoubtedly me last chorus…c’mon now, everyone! (Sings with COMPANY and AUDIENCE)THEM’S THE WAGES OF SIN! (Blowing kisses to one and all)Bless you, bless you, and ta-rah!
(Play continues on page 2-S-51)
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20. “MURDERER’S CONFESSION” (ROSA)
(SHE laughs hysterically, the laugh of one who is at last able to share a wonderful secret. In her manner and voice, there is both Ophelia’s madness and an extreme sense of release)
ROSAWERE YOU SO BLIND YOU COULD NOT SEE I KILLED HIM?YES!AND IT WAS WONDERFUL TO DO, I DO CONFESS.TO HAVE IT DONE, TO DO HIM IN, TO SEE IT THROUGH... (Whirling on JASPER)YOU SURELY KNOW BY NOW I MEANT TO MURDER YOU!
THOUGHT YOU I WAS SO BLINDAS NOT TO KNOW YOUR MIND,OF WHAT INTENT EACH COMPLIMENTYOU CLAIMED YOU MEANT AS KIND?TO FEEL MYSELF UNROBED AND PROBED WITH EVERY MOVEMENT OF YOUR EYES?
AH, BUT REALIZE:A CHILD CAN GO QUITE MADAND NOT KNOW GOOD FROM BADAND CALMLY PLAN TO KILL A MANAND FEEL BUT ONLY GLAD!TO RID HERSELF –TO BID HERSELFA MURDEROUS GOOD-BYE!TO EDWIN WHO I SOUGHT,BUT YOU, I MEANT FORYOU TO DIE!
BUT THE NIGHT WAS FAR FROM BRIGHT,THICK WITH WET AND THUNDER.THATCHING FELL DISPATCHED FROM HELL!IS IT YET A WONDER.COULD NOT SEE THE ARMS OF MESTRECHED OUT WITH SCARF IN HAND.SAW YOUR COAT AND TIED NED’S THROATJUST LIKE A DEADLY WEDDING BAND!
SO LONG A TIMETHEY’VE THOUGHT THAT I’MA DRESDEN DOLL, QUITE NAÏVE.BUT I BELIEVETHIS PAIN, MY BRAIN MORE TORTURED THAN THEY MIGHT CONCEIVE.WITH THESE LATE ADDITIONS, I HAVGE NOW REVEALEDMURDEROUS ADMISSIONS HITHERTO CONCEALED.
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ROSA (continued)DAMN YOU ALL, I SAY! YOU LET HIM DRIVE ME MAD!MADNESS LED TO THIS, NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD.NO GOOD – NO GOOD CAN COME FROM BAD!!
(SHE collapses center-stage, as SHE weeps hopelessly:)I killed my good, true Ned, whom I never stopped loving in the very best of senses... I killed him when I meant to kill you, Jasper, you pathetic imitation of manhood! All this because...because he was wearing that ludicrous, laughable coat of yours, Jasper! Jasper! Damn your existence and your fraudulent love! Damn Cloisterham that looked the other way when you looked at me In your way! (Sweetly)Damn you all. (SHE collapses, sobbing quietly to herself.
Music: dissonant tremolo and out)
(Play continues on next page)
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(IN ALL CASES, NO MATTER WHO THE SELECTED MURDERER IS, THE PLAY NOW CONTINUES: The words “Bless you all” or “Damn you all” are the CHAIRMAN’S cue to speak up:)
CHAIRMANThere is your murderer for tonight!
(HE & COMPANY applaud chosen fiend as TOWNSMEN seize MURDERER and escort HIM or HER to side of stage)
But surely we are entitled to a happy ending? We all have need in our lives for love...romance...or any facsimile thereof. So it remains for you to resolve one final question: Which two in our story will find that commodity we all seek? Who shall be our lovers tonight? Let us see...on the distaff side, we are left with: (CHAIRMAN omits MURDERER)The lovely MISS ROSA BUD or...The tempestuous HELENA LANDLESS or...The naughty PRINCESS PUFFER...Which of these ladies would you like to see united in love with one of our remaining male leads? Pray indicate by your applause.
(He names them again, and the audience votes by volume of applause)
Fine, right, and we have a field of well-heeled bachelors available – (HE omits MURDERER)NEVILLE LANDLESSBAZZARDTHE REVEREND MR. CRISPARKLETHIS SPECIMEN CALLED DURDLESJOHN JASPERDEPUTY
(The audience votes again, by applause)Right, well that’s your decision, and we’re stuck with it, I fear. Mr. Purcell, a gentle reprise if you will? It seems we are about to have...a love song.
(As PURCELL begins his opening introduction, the selected LOVERS speak their lines)
SHE: My darling! Our attraction is unavoidable!HE: MY dearest! At last we can admit our feeling for one another! (ad lib suited to characters involved)
(Skip pages 2-S-52 to 2-S-57.)
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21. “PERFECT STRANGERS” (Reprise)
SHEONCE WE WERE PERFECT STRANGERS.HOW STRANGELY MET ARE WE!
HEI FIND I NOW ADORE YOU –OUR BEST IS YET TO BE.
SHEIT SEEMS I;VE LONGED TO HOLD YOU – FATE RULED IT SO!
HEYOU LOVE ME, SO THEY’VE TOLD YOU.
SHELET’S NOT RESIST THIS ENDING.
HE SHEONCE WE HAVE KISSED, PRETENDING TAKES NO SHILL, AH –THIS STRANGENESS MAKES ME THRILL! AH –
SHE & HE & ALLONCE WE WERE PERFECT STRANGERS...YET NOW I LOVE YOU PERFECTLY...!AH –
CHAIRMANBut what of Edwin Drood? Ah, if only he could speak to us from beyond the grave! What could he tell us...what would he say?
(There is an ominous rumbling beneath the ground, aided by a similar rumbling from the orchestra. Suddenly, wonderfully, the crypt of MRS. SAPSEA rises from the earth below, breaking through the floor of the stage as it pushes stone and dusty earth aside. From its doorway emerges a cheery EDWIN DROOD!)
22. “THE WRITING ON THE WALL”
DROOD (Triumphantly)I’m alive!! Hallo all! (Cheers from ALL. Spoken introduction)I AM LAZ’RUS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE!QUITE ALIVE YOU FIND ME.THIS TOMB BEHIND MEIS WHERE I FACED MY CLOSEST SHAVE!WHEN I STRUCK MY HEAD AGAINST THE STREET,I WAS STUNNED, NOT STRICKEN -(OUT PLOT DOTH THICKEN) -FOR JASPER FLEW ME OFF MY FEET127 2-S-59
TO THE CRYPT,I AWOKE IN DARK BEYOND BELIEF,AND WHILE ALL ABOVE ME SHOWED THEIR GRIEF,
I WAS SCREAMING FOR MY VERY BREATH,ONLY MOMENTS FROM DEATH.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE SUDDEN STRENGTHTHAT YOU FEEL WITHIN YOU,THE STEEL AND SINEW,WHEN FATE STANDS SMILING AT ARMS-LENGTH.I ESCAPED! FROM CLOISTERHAM I FLED.I DID NOT RETURN HERE.'TIL I COULD LEARN HEREJUST WHO ON EARTH WOULD WISH ME DEAD.
BUT MORE THAN THAT,MORE THAN WHAT SOLUTION FITS THIS CRIME,WHAT I'VE LEARNED IS THAT LIFE IS BITS OF TIME,AND YOU FIGHT FOR EVERY TINY SPECKWHEN YOU'RE HELD BY THE NECK:
I HAVE READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL,AND THE GREATEST MYST'RYIS NOT THE HIST'RYOF JASPER, DROOD AND ONE AND ALL!
I HAVE MET MY MAKER AND RETURNED!WHAT ADVICE I'M GIVINGTO ALL THOSE LIVINGIS JUST TO LEARN WHAT I HAVE LEARNED:
LIFE IS DEAR.THERE CAN BE NO VICT'RY IN DEFEAT.IF OUR-NUMBERED, BEAT A FAST RETREATTO THE NEAREST SHELTER AND DIG IN!WHEN YOU LIVE, THEN YOU WIN!
SCRATCH AND CLAW FOR EVERY DAY YOU'RE WORTH!MAKE THEM DRAG YOU SCREAMING FROM LIFE, KEEP DREAMINGYOU'LL LIVE FOREVER HERE ON EARTH.
I HAVE READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL,AND IT'S CLEARLY SPELLED OUTFOR THOSE WHO'VE HELD OUTTHAT HOLDING ON TO LIFE IS ALL.
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IS IT CLEAR?IF YOU HEAR MY VOICE, THEN YOU'RE ALIVE.WHAT A BLOODY MARVEL WE SURVIVE,WHEN YOU THINK OF EVERY RISK WE FACEIN OUR MAD HUMAN RACE!
I HAVE READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL!TRY TO LIVE FOREVERAND GIVE UP NEVERTHE FIGHT - YOU'LL NEED THE WHEREWITHAL!CAN'T YOU HEED THE LIGHTNINGAS I PLEAD.INCITING YOU TO READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL!
23. BOWS – “DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD”
(After individual bows, COMPANY steps forward and sings:)
TA-RAH-TA-REE!BOOM!BANG IT, CRASH IT, OO, GLORY BE!BOOM!CLANG IT,CLASH IT, OO-PAU-DEE-DEE!DON’T QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD SING OUT, “THERE’S MORE IN STORE FOR ME!”
24. EXIT MUSIC
THE END.