ACCESSY o u r N e w s l e t t e r f r o m t h e A u r o r a E m p l o y e e A s s i s t a n c e P r o g r a m W i n t e r 2 0 0 8

Most people think of forgiveness interms of the person being forgivenfor a transgression. However,forgiveness is profoundly about theperson doing the forgiving. Recentresearch shows that the act offorgiving can have positive effects on physical health, as well asemotional well-being.

Dr. Fred Luskin, in his book Forgivefor Good, cites a variety of academicresearch which demonstrates a linkbetween the act of forgiving andreduced stress, improved cardiachealth and a host of improvementsin positive emotions such as hope,care, affection, trust and happiness.For example, a study at theUniversity of Wisconsin-Madisonshowed that the more forgivingpeople felt, the less likely they were to suffer from a wide range of illnesses.

Forgiveness is a powerful gift thatwe can give ourselves. It gives us the opportunity to change ourperceptions about what others have“done to us.” We can do this byfocusing on what we have controlover – ourselves. Forgiveness allowsus to find productive ways to viewtroubling events and to escape from emotional pain, stress andhelplessness.

The process is not always easy. Manypeople initially feel like they areletting transgressors “off the hook” ifthey forgive. However, if we

remember that wewill be the onesgaining fromdealing with ourrelationship tothose who havewronged us, wecan move past ourpain, take controlof our emotionsand be happierand healthier.

Dr. Luskin outlinesa step-by-stepprocess forapproachingforgiveness in hisreadable,accessible book.The process issummarized in nine steps:1. Know exactly how you feel about

what happened and be able toexpress your feelings. It’simportant to identify what about the situation was not okayfor you.

2. Make a commitment to yourself todo what you have to do to feelbetter. Forgiveness is for you andnot for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarilymean reconciliation with theperson that hurt you orcondoning their actions. What youare after is your own peace ofmind. Forgiveness can be definedas the "peace and understanding

that come from blaming thosewho hurt you less and taking thelife experience less personally.”

4. Get the right perspective on whatis happening. Recognize that yourprimary distress may be comingfrom the hurt feelings, thoughtsand physical upset that you areexperiencing now, not whatoffended you or hurt you twominutes or ten years ago.Forgiveness helps to heal thosehurt feelings.

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So how do you get your mind to stop racing so that you canacknowledge the peace and happiness around you? Thereare some simple techniques that can help you live in themoment and enjoy the gifts and people around you.

• “Fake it ’till you makeit.” Our thoughts canfollow our actions.Even if we don’talways feel like itinside, acting cheerful,optimistic and gratefulcan sometimes leadour inner feelings tofollow what we areshowing on theoutside. This is not tooverlook serious emotional issues, but if we are troubledby negativity and worry, sometimes “acting” otherwisecan turn our moods around. Part of this phenomenon is the effect it has on those around us. If we make aconscious effort to be pleasant and present, we help lift upothers and create an entire cycle of mutually-reinforcingpositive energy.

• Exercise. Once again, our bodiescan lead our minds to a betterstate. Any activity that gets youmoving will help. Walking is agreat way to clear the cobwebs,disrupt negative thoughts andgive you a chance to enjoy themoment. Get moving on a levelthat is comfortable for you. Overtime you may go farther to reachfitness goals, but don’t wait to getmoving now.

• Centering. Prayer, meditation,reflection: there are many namesto finding a quiet place withinyourself, to follow a spiritual path.Making a habit of taking even ten minutes for yourself in themorning or evening can help you

cope with the stresses and pressure of daily life. One easy way to start is to find a book of daily meditations that speaks to you and to make time to read and reflect every day.

These techniques can help you find peace andhappiness by learning to live in the moment. If youare dealing with persistent worry, or you can’t letgo of the past, your EAP is a resource for you. Toconsult with an EAP Assessment Counselor, pleasecall 1 (800) 236-3231 to schedule a telephone orin-person appointment.

Learning to Enjoy the Moment

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With the spiraling cost of highereducation, some parents are temptedto give up on what appears to be aninsurmountable goal to help theirchildren attend college. College costshave risen and are projected tocontinue rising faster than inflation.

Yet, even as these costs rise, the needfor post-high school educationbecomes even greater. According tothe U.S. Census Bureau, a bachelor’sdegree recipient has lifetime earningsof more than $1.2 million more thansomeone with a high school diploma.

The web site http://www.finaid.orglists the myths about saving for collegethat point to the importance ofplanning ahead to help your children realize their potential.

Many families mistakenly believe thatthey are penalized for saving, and thatthey would be better off if they didn’tsave. The Federal Need AnalysisMethodology does count a portion ofthe family’s assets in determinations offinancial need, so a family with moreassets will get less need-based aid.

However, the federal government doesnot count all of the assets, just afraction, so a family with money savedwill have money left over. The bottomline is: the more money you save, themore options you’ll have and the lessyou’ll need to borrow. It is alwayscheaper to save now than to borrow later.

Many parents mistakenly believe that ifthey don’t save for college, they’ll beable to shift the costs to their childrenthrough loans, or that the federalgovernment and the schools will pickup the tab. Student loans only go sofar in covering college costs, and thegovernment and schools considerparents to have the primaryresponsibility in paying for theirchildren’s education. Even if your childgets a lot of need-based aid, it doesn’tcover the full costs. The Pell Grant, forexample, covers only 10% of currentprivate four-year college costs. Workstudy covers only 10%-20% of collegecosts. Failing to start saving now willonly hurt you later. The only viablehedge against increases in college costs

is to save as much as possible as earlyas possible.

Families also think that they can rely onscholarships to pay for college. Forexample, four-fifths of parents expectthat their children will receivescholarships, but only about 7% ofstudents actually receive private sectorscholarships. The average amount of the scholarship received byundergraduate students is $2,000.Moreover, due to outside scholarshippolicies, receiving a private scholarshipwill often reduce need-based aidpackages. It is still worthwhile to searchfor scholarships, because scholarshipsoften replace loans, but one must berealistic about the chances of winning ascholarship (1 in 15) and the impact ofscholarships on paying for college (less than 10%).

Your EAP offers help in educationalplanning and financial aid. For help inplanning ahead and understanding yourfamily’s options, call 1 (800) 236-3231for a free, confidential consultation.

Why save for your children’s college education?

5. At the moment you feel upset,practice a simple stress managementtechnique to soothe your body’sflight or fight response. Breathedeeply.

6. Give up expecting things from otherpeople that they choose not to giveyou. Remind yourself that you canhope for health, love, peace andprosperity and that you can workhard to get them.

7. Instead of mentally replaying yourhurt seek out new ways to get what you want and feel good about yourself.

8. Remember that a life well lived isyour best revenge. Instead offocusing on your wounded feelings,learn to look for the love, beautyand kindness around you.Forgiveness is about your ownpersonal power.

9. Finally, remind yourself thatforgiveness is a choice.

For more information on forgiveness and Dr. Luskin’s book, visit his web site atwww.learningtoforgive.com

If you are struggling with finding waysto forgive, or if you are dealing withother difficult issues in your life, yourAurora Employee Assistance Program canhelp. Simply call 1 (800) 236-3231 for afree, confidential consultation.

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Thankfulness: It’s Good for What Ails YouMike Rupsch, LCSW

This is the time of year that thankfulness gets its due.However, it has been shown that thankfulness and itscousin, gratitude, are best practiced daily, all year round.Did you know grateful people are healthier and happier?Below are results from research done by Robert A. Emmonsand Michael E. McCullough. In their studies, individuals whoregularly engaged in gratitude-related activities were morelikely to exhibit the following:

• Exercise more regularly.

• Report fewer physical symptoms.

• Felt better about their lives as a whole.

• Were more optimistic about the upcoming week.

• Were more likely to report having helped someone with a personal problem or having offered emotional support to another.

In a sample of adults with neuromuscular disease, a 21-daygratitude intervention resulted in greater amounts of high-energy, positive moods, a greater sense of feelingconnected to others, more optimistic ratings of one’s life,and better sleep.

Thankfulness can also lead you to be more aware of thesupportive people in your life, like a loving family member,devoted friend, or helpful co-worker. As shown above,practicing gratitude can motivate us to help others. Thisdance between being helped and offering help points tohow deeply interdependent we are.

There is never a better time than now to be thankful, nomatter what time of the year it is.

ReferencesEmmons, Robert A and McCullough, Michael E, Highlights from the Research Project on Gratitude and Thankfulness: Dimensions and Perspectives of Gratitude,http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/labs/emmons/

Cultivating Gratitude: An Interview With Robert Emmons, PhD, October 21, 2004,http://www.todoinstitute.com/library/public/cultivating_gratitude_an_interview_with_robert_emmons_phd.php#more

Krech, Gregg, Beyond Fireworks: Celebrating Our Interdependence, June 27, 2006,http://www.todoinstitute.com/library/public/beyond_fireworks_celebrating_our_interdependence.php#more