Editorial Staff

Volume LXXXVI Spring 2010 Issue Three

Executive Editors:Walker Hawkins ‘10Bob Hoke ‘11Andrew Piskai ‘12Sean Kelly ‘12

Editors-in-Chief:Alexander Jacobson ‘10Daniel Berkman ‘11William Hayes ‘11

Managing Editors:Shai Nir ‘11David Shore ‘11Raj Gopal ‘13Jonah Lustig ‘13

Sam Pasternack ‘13 Lance Wildorf ‘13Daniel Weinblatt ‘13

Can you believe

US?

We at Punch Bowl want to thank the people who made the alimony payments to support our new darling magazine during its formative first few months. SAC‘s got our back, despite our habit of doing crack and falling through the cracks. They prefer we stick to pure bourgie shit, so

© Punch Bowl 2010. We realize this means nothing in China, but you can’t google us there anymore anyway.

Associate Editors:Luba Smolensky ‘13Stephen Tsai ‘13Steven Greene ‘12Sam Beiler ‘12Arielle Wolfson ‘13Daniel Weinblatt ‘13Michael Baresich ‘13Michelle Kaplan ‘13Avin Verrakumar ‘13

Spoons:Jotham Klien ‘10Steven Lovejoy ‘10Dan Rosenthal ‘11Alexi Dinerstien ‘11Drew Rizzo ‘11Matt Bloch ‘11Nicole Callimanis ‘12Christine Alix ‘13Anita Gade ‘13Amy Li ‘13Monica Martin ‘13Emily Sherbany ‘13Keith Rush ‘13

lets call it coke. We’d also like to thank Smokes for rhyming with coke (and joke). DP Dough is adorable too. We could just eat them all up. Lastly, ACS Printing does our print-work, blood-work and homework. They do a good job on all three, and that’s why we love them too.

P U N C H S T A RPunchbowl has decided that in order to expand our corporate empire, we need to move into kids. Grown-up kids. Everyone is a kid, deep, down somewhere inside, even if that kid is hiding within a withered shell of nastalgic remorse for a childhood popculture has convinced you is insufficient. These new titles are for you, little guy.

JOHN WAYNE Possibly the most American person in the history of white people. It's been scientifically proven that his body was composed of 60% steak, 40% whiskey, 20% cigars, and 10% racism. Yes, that is 130% home-grown American.

WOODY ALLEN An obvious inclusion in this list, when he popped on to the comedy scene who would've thought he would become a leading figure in race relations. By taking Soon Yi into his home and then into his bedroom he provided the model way to go about interaction between the races regardless of what differences and legal boundaries may or may not stand in the way. Even as we reached the year 2010 few have been able to replicate this motion as smoothly and/or admirable, although there have been countless failures.

MEL GIBSON Groundbreaking white actor. In courageously portraying noteworthy white warrior William Wallace, Gibson faced such adversity that he had to paint half of his face blue in shame. Nevertheless, Gibson would go on to produce the stories of historic white figures such as Jesus of Nazareth and Leonard Cohen, and also to do the voice for that rooster in Chicken Run.

SHIRLEY TEMPLE In a bygone era where white children were supposed to be seen but not heard, one small white girl refused to be silenced. Her works reflected her lifelong battle with animal cracker and lollipop abuse. This dimpled, effervescent pixie captured America's attention. Jews especially took a liking to her familiar last name, and she was eventually rewarded for her contribution by being selected as ambassador to Czechoslovakia. Model white citizen? We think so.

SUSAN B. ANTHONY Leader of the woman's suffragette movement, she inspired millions of women with her slogan, "As long as we get the right to vote before the blacks."

NEIL ARMSTRONG is most famous for, among other achievements, being the first white man to fly into space and the first white man to set foot on the moon. Upon stepping onto the martian terrain, he famously uttered to his partner, Buzz, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil then nudged Buzz and said, "Good, SAFE, crowd here, huh?" Neil and Buzz also staked new territory for when the neighborhood would "begin to go."

WALKER TEXAS RANGER Introduced the roundhouse kick as a measure of defense to scrawny, asthmatic white kids everywhere. Also contributed to their further abuse when they decided cowboy hats and leather boots were super awesome.

BILL NYE The Science Guy- An inspiration to science guys everywhere, Bill Nye was a pioneer in showing white kids why you don't need melanin to be happy.

LOU GEHRIG One of the first white people to get a disease named after him, followed by a movie. Your move, Michael J. Fox.

FRED McFEELY ROGERS Longtime host of the children's show Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, defined the face of American Whiteness. He made it cool to wear sweaters, and his soothing voice was a staple in mid-afternoon television programming for over 50 years. His docile demeanor embodied the spirit of all white people, and, yes, his middle name really is McFeely.

LARRY BIRD In the golden age of basketball, Larry Bird had to deal with the racial prejudices that existed off the hardwood. He was constantly subjected to racial slurs such as "the hick from French Lick", "White-Sauce", and towards the end of his career "Whiteney Houston." Despite this, he grew a mullet and let his whiteness shine through in all he did. His work was defined in his lifelong struggle against the symbol of blackness, Magic Johnson. Larry Bird was later killed in battle, his death a memorial of his sacrifice to his racial cause.

JOHN WILKES BOOTH Born south of the Mason-Dixon line, young John was disenfranchised from an early age. He developed a severe stutter by age 7 and was forced to drop out of school at the age of 11 in order to work on the family farm to help put food on the table. His never say die attitude persisted throughout his life until, victim of societal pressures, he succumbed and said die. Yes, it happened to one of the greatest American presidents, but hell it could have been anyone.

JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER It was only a matter of time before a white American became worth more than 1 billion dollars. John D. Rockefeller was the one who made it happen in the whitest way possible---with oil, greed, and wife named "Cettie."

THOMAS JEFFERSON Tom "Chocolate Dipper" Jefferson is best known for writing the Declaration of Independence, in which he proclaimed that all men had the right to life, liberty, and slave ownership.

TERRI SCHAIVO This vegetative statesman and quiet game champion, pulled the plug on the right to die debate by not even saying a word. She proves to thousands of white people that sometimes, sitting on your butt and staring into space could be enough.

STEPHEN HAWKING Although often confused for R2D2, Hawking is actually one of the foremost white geniuses of our generation. His next great academic pursuit? The development of a jet pack expansion for wheelchair enthusiasts everywhere.

THEODORE ROOSEVELT Of all early 20th Century US Presidents, Roosevelt stands out solely for the marketing, success, and mass distribution of his toy, the Teddy Bear. Suck it, Coolidge Patch Kids.

THE UNABOMBER This Harvard graduate and notorious whitey, showed that terrorism isn't just for brown Islamic fundamentalists. He also pioneered the sophisticated "crumb filled untrimmed stuck in a hole beard" years before they found non white Saddam.

JESUS Don't let the news that Christianity is a patchwork of pagan religions deter you from his might grace. He set the bar for religious figures and everyone has been living in his shadow since. Hell, poor Mohammed can't even get his face on television.

FALKOR THE LUCKDRAGON Name me a white dragon right now. Can't do it? That's because there are none. Falkor made a name for himself in the dragon field without having to be albino, unlike Eminem.

TIGER WOODS He plays golf, drives an Acura, and cheats on his wife with call girls. Sorry black community, he belongs to us.

HARRY POTTER Master of magic and british accents, he charmed the pants off of the world's literate youth with a flick of his wand (TEE HEE), and never has a fictional hero ever disappointed so many people by NOT dying. Then just to rub it in our faces, he boned his best friend's sister. Well played sir.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN Managed to find time to help draft the Declaration of Independence in between getting syphilis from French whores and suggesting our national bird should be a turkey. But hey, he's old Uncle Ben. Who here doesnt have an uncle who's slept with a french whore? Really? Just me?

CONAN O'BRIEN Just like President Obama proved being a minority doesn't inhibit success, Conan O'Brien proved to lanky, awkward individuals everywhere that yes, they to could be cool. This probably means I should change my Power Rangers comforter and get a haircut. Goddammit.

TIM BURTON His obsession with white face paint and Danny Elfman are becoming tedious (and uncomfortable), but without Burton's string of pseudo-goth fantasies, Depp would probably be doing romantic comedies, and that's scarier than any Pumpkin King.

Remember "history? No, it's not a Crayola color, it's a subject that I, the historian Blanco Pale McWhite, would like to bring to your attention. I worry that there are still more Crayola colors than students of history, and I am most concerned specifically about white history. I see all those

skeptical looks on your faces. White history? Is there even such a thing? It seems you've missed the KKK meeting between the countless robed men in conical hats. The only reason we lack a specialty white historian is because...well...everyone was white. In fact, as you'll see, there are even marginalized whites, who fight to keep stereotype from defining their lives. I admit I've taken up a broad area of study, and I assure you the notion that caucasians don't qualify as a minority is nothing new. But fear not, history buffs, I have prepared this brief selection of individuals amongst whom we can celebrate and commemorate the best in white power... not the Cryola color.

A FEW WORDS FROM A

WHITE HISTORIAN

5 6

Church of Fling

8

10

Befriend retarded kid and add it to

resume.

You decide that smoking weed

is for the proles, and switch

to E instead. Move forward 3

astral planes.

Mom buys you those ripped jeans

you always wanted. Forward 2

Spaces. WAIT, now she’s pissed

off that you accidentally ripped

some perfectly good jeans. Move

back 1 space.

Your yacht sinks during a sailing

club mixer. You are forced to

use your backup yacht. Lose

$100,000.Daddy accidentally got hit by

milk truck, settlem

ent money

finally affords you braces.

Move forward 1 space.

In the real game of life w

e are all merely players. In M

ilton Bradley’s version we’re all im

possibly sm

all plastic pieces that choke young children and pets. This, however, w

as not the only reason w

e felt that Milton Bradley’s version w

as a little sociologically inaccurate. First off, life starts in the w

omb, not in som

e rainbow colored num

erical spinner. What is that about? Scientology? Secondly,

while w

e say everyone is born equal, there’s always at leat one guy born m

ore equal than others, usually know

n as “that guy.” Finally, and most im

portantly, real life has swear w

ords. On account of

these inaccuracies, Punchbowl sent this in to M

ilton Bradley as a suggestion for his next revision of the gam

e. Unfortunately, he’s been dead since 1911 and now

all we have is this lousy m

agazine.

Illegitimate kid with a call girl.

Looks like you can’t name this

one after yourself.

Loose your hopes, dreams

and dignity.

Your 4th grade teacher dies in an

overcrowded classroom riot, you

are forced to repeat 4th grade

twice because they couldn’t find

anyone willing to replace him.

Back 2 spacesRival lesbian gangs did $5000 in

graffiti damage to your cam

pus.

No funds remain for textbooks,

go back 1 space.

An Ivy League recruiter comes to

your high school and likes your

blouse. Add $50,000 to your

ending salary and take career

cards until you like something

you see.

You unsuspectingly venture into

a lower-class neighborhood to

try “the best tacos in town.” A

ll

four tires are stolen from you

car, as well as the G

PS. Loose

$15,000.

Corporate layoffs boost your stock .5%

. Receive $50,000

14

WWW.THEPUNCHBOWL.NETGOT THE MUNCHIES? WE... CAN’T RELALY HELP... BUT... OK... ARG. WE JUST WANT AD REVNUE.