Handling Protests

Presented by:Diane Wagenhals, M.Ed., CFLEWebsite: www.lakesidednet.com

Course Goals

differentiate between constructive and destructive anger make conscious, intentional decisions to ensure the

probability their anger is more on the constructive end ofthe continuum

appreciate the place for and value of venting anger better understand children’s normal behavior, including

many types of misbehavior that are often misinterpreted understand the dynamics of “out of control” rage

episodes comprehend variations or masked forms anger can take increase practical tools to help them handle the

inevitable protests of children

We expect to help participants:

Constructive vs. Destructive

Differentiating between constructive and destructiveanger can help educators make conscious,intentional decisions and ensure that their anger ismore on the constructive end of the continuum.

“One’s thoughts might be responsible for some of aperson’s most painful emotions.” (McKay andRogers)

Anger starts with thoughts. Feelings of anger followthoughts that serve as triggers.

Trigger thoughts are often stored in people’s corebelief systems.

In Simplest Terms

Anger that punishes is destructive.

Anger that communicates is constructive.

Constructive versus Destructive According to Harold Bloomfield, MD and Robert

Kory in Inner Joy anger that punishes isdestructive, anger that communicates isconstructive.

Destructive anger can have a multitude of goals:~ Control, dominate, overpower~ Intimidate~ Coerce~ Get revenge~ Blame, attack, shame, embarrass~ Block communication, avoidintimacy

Characteristics of Destructive Anger Weakens self-esteem Creates impotence Masks primary feelings with coldness Inhibits communication Leaves other person tense and bitter Creates emotional distance Damages trust in relationship Unsatisfying for both people because of breakdown Negative physical responses Cumulative effects: general hostility, distrust

Goals of Constructive Anger

Communicate feelings Change hurtful situation Prevent a reoccurrence Improve relationship

Characteristics ofConstructive Anger Contributes to healing of emotional injuries Does not involve attempts to attack, blame, shame,

cause guilt, humiliate Communication of primary feelings Appropriate intensity of expression of true feelings Relationship building: trust, understanding,

connection Sets pattern for further communication Groundwork is laid for forgiving, letting go, moving

on

Characteristics of People whoRespond in Destructive Ways Hurt others physically or emotionally with their anger Hurt themselves with their anger Allow others to hurt them with their anger Afraid to express their anger Believe they never get angry Hold on to their anger and are unable to

forgive/forget Find sneaky ways to retaliate and get revenge Are angry a great deal of the time Know they are out of control with their anger

Characteristics of People whoRespond in Destructive Ways Use their anger as primary way to control others Tend to be negative, critical, blaming Hold on to grudges Bitter and resentful most of the time Feel helpless and powerless when they do express

anger Make excuses for the damage done when angry Have had their job or career damaged because of

ways they do or do not express their anger

Characteristics of People whoRespond in Destructive Ways Do not know why they suddenly feel angry Misdirect their anger by taking it out on innocent

victims Feel like their anger is eating them up inside Constantly feel they must apologize for being angry Find themselves in controlling or abusive

relationships Allow themselves to be emotionally or physically

abused Allow their children to be emotionally or physically

abused

Venting

Venting can be described as emotional expressionof intensely experienced feelings such as anger.

May be closely related to term “raging” but theseterms are not synonymous.

In some situations venting may be an initial andimportant step in a therapeutic process leading toemotional healing.

Considered on a continuum a person may ventanything from annoyance to full-blown rage.

Venting

People vent anger in a variety of ways: yelling,screaming, cursing, hitting, stomping feet, shakingfists, drawing pictures or writing letters, re-enactingentire scenes.

Anytime venting causes physical or emotional painor does damage to a relationship it should bediscouraged, limited or prohibited.

Research indicates there is negative impact fromventing.

The concept of addressing anger in healthy waysdoes not include the requirement of venting.

Extreme Anger

Most people have experienced powerful degrees ofintensity when anger is strongly felt and know it canbe impossible to avoid an impulsive response.

It may be unreasonable and even unhealthy toexpect someone not to have some sort of initialemotional response.

Sometimes the flare of emotions gets the attention ofothers.

Responsible venting can be an effective way tocommunicate just how serious someone feels abouta situation.

Extreme Anger

Some people may be temperamentally moreexpressive. It would not be appropriate to expectsomeone to dishonor their temperament.

A healthy goal can be to combine a level of respectfor temperamental variables with an expectation thatsomeone become appropriately responsible for theirimpact to others.

Educators can encourage others (including children)to fair and acceptable emotional expressions.

Maturity and Anger

Maturity may be a key factor that influences howmuch venting a person does.

Less mature people often lack judgment, may behighly impulsive and may be egocentric. Thesefactors contribute to how intensely they expressthemselves.

This may explain why children often emote theiranger quickly and may need time for venting beforecalming and beginning to think rationally.

As people become more mature there is often anoverall decrease in their need to vent.

Maturity and Anger

More mature people are clearer about the deepervalues and injustices around more profound matters.

More mature people tend to use their anger wiselyand appreciate it as a signal that does not need anoutburst to be heard and respected.

Maturity does not automatically occur because ofchronological aging.

Venting with Healthy Goals

A venting person can realize they are having adischarge moment and a more positive outcome ispossible if venting is quickly subdued and followedby a constructive process.

Venting is a preliminary step that needs to lead toconscious, cognitive processing.

When a situation is more serious, the venting personhas someone else to serve as a guide and coach toput words to feelings, provide healthy boundariesand respect for perspectives of the person venting.

Venting with Healthy Goals

When appropriate, the guide/coach shares otherperspectives to invite new awareness.

The guide/coach appreciates the value of ventingand how the process can move the person towardunderstanding, clarity, empowerment, resolution andhealing.

“The Big Bang Theory” Some people believe that when they are angry, they

should directly express that anger toward the personthey are angry with.

According to Tavris in Anger: The MisunderstoodEmotion the underlying motives often include thebeliefs that this type of confrontation will:

~ improve overallcommunication

~ increase feelings ofcloseness

~ provide physiological relief~ raise self-esteem

~ solve problems~ “get rid” of anger~ help become a

happier person~ get results

Tavris’ Research Shows

Venting typically has opposite impact including:~ worsened communication~ feelings of distance~ physiological arousal; higher blood pressure~ feeling terrible; lower self-esteem~ making the problem worse~ “rehearsing” the anger~ becoming a hostile person~ making the target angry at person who is venting

Tavris’ Research Shows

In order for a healthy process of catharsis to occur,there are five conditions that must be in place:

~ First, anger must be directed at the target (notmisdirected toward someone else)

~ Second, expression must restore one’s sense ofcontrol over the situation

~ Third, expression must give new insight~ Fourth, person and target of anger must speak the

same anger language~ Fifth, there must be no angry retaliation from the

target

Venting Directed at Children

Children are more easily impacted and potentiallytraumatized.

Children do not have filters to help them processsuch anger in ways that are more rational.

Children know they are dependent on these adults tocare for them.

Children can be very literal. Children are, by nature, egocentric and may

automatically assume responsibility for causing theproblem.

Venting Directed at Children

Apologizing can serve as helpful modeling.However, most children continue to suffer theemotional and relational consequences.

Children will say they understand and acceptapologies, not realizing they cannot simply decide topurge themselves of the messages received duringthe outburst.

Adults need to take greater responsibility for thedegree to which they vent their anger at childrenbecause of their increased degree of vulnerability.

Underlying Anger Root Issues

Abandonment Anxiety Betrayal Beliefs Competition Control issues Disappointmen

t Exhaustion Fear Frustration

Guilt Hurt feelings Immaturity Injustice Misperception Overwhelmed Powerlessness Pressure Shame Stress

Shock Trigger thoughts Unmet

expectations Unmet needs in

other areas oflife

Value collision Vengeful

feelings

Expanding Root System

Educators are invited to integrate distorted thoughtswith the underlying root feelings and causes of angerto create a more sophisticated root system.

Examples of potential unfair thoughts and beliefsthat could lead to anger are:

~ Blaming~ Catastrophizing~ Misattributions~ Overgeneralizations~ Demanding/Commanding~ Irritation Fixation

~ Assuming~ Feelings passed on as facts~ Abusive Labeling~ Personalizing~ Unfavorable Comparisons~ Regrets

When Adults MisinterpretChildren’s Behavior Educators can appreciate their potential to

misinterpret normal children’s behavior byconsidering the nature of children and how oftenchildren exhibit normal behavior based on their:~ Lack of Judgment~ Impulsive nature~ Egocentric nature~ Developmental tasks~ Ages and Stages~ Development Tasks~ Uniqueness, including Temperament, Learning Styles~ Maturity levels~ Situational factors

“Out of Control” Rage Episodes

First there is an occurrence or accumulation ofemotional excitement and tension “…in response toan external stimulus perceived as an awful, horriblecatastrophe.”

Second there is “…an extremely powerful emotionaloutburst that occurs unexpectedly for theperpetrator. The accumulated affect of tension turnsinto an explosion of anger and rage.”

In the third stage the perpetrator is exhausted,overwhelmed by fatigue, may be apathetic ordepressed.

Variations of Anger

Misplaced or Misdirected Anger: occurs whensomeone is angry about something else or angry atsomeone else and for some reason is not able to orchooses not to direct their anger toward the actualtarget.

Mixing Anger with Discipline: occurs when adultsassume that they should use their anger as a signalthat it is time to discipline or set limits with children.

Appreciating Generalized “Bad Hair Day” Anger:occurs when anyone has a day that is less positivethan another, feels more on edge, grumpier, morelikely to become angry with less provocation.

Variations of Anger

Appreciating the Power of Bitterness as a Predictorof Anger: occurs when someone has becomedeeply bitter about life and carries an overridingnegativity that can easily convert into anger

Misinterpreting Firmness, Sternness and DirectiveStatements as Anger: occurs when someonespeaks with a firm or stern voice, when bodylanguage appears definite and self-assured, whencommanding, definitive and directive statements areused and they are misinterpreted as angry

Variations of Anger

Misinterpreting Passion and Enthusiasm as Anger:occurs when emotionality is assumed to have acomponent of anger attached to it.

Misinterpreting Assertive Anger as Aggressive orPassive-Aggressive Anger: occurs when peoplewith little or no exposure to anger misinterpretsomeone’s healthy assertive style of anger

Handling Protests

Educators can benefit from increasing theirunderstanding and practical tools to help themhandle the inevitable protests children typically makewhen educators deny, demand or delegate.

The following are tips for managing those moreextended conversations when children actively resistand attempt to side-track, confuse, intimidate orprevent an adult from maintaining attitudes andbehaviors that promote emotional and relationalhealth.

Preparing to Discipline

Assume the role and get into character as an“Effective Disciplinarian”. Be intentional about beingcalm, clear, confident and compassionate.Remember your responsibility to deny, demand anddelegate while being firm, fair and flexible.

Check your connections. Consider how connectedyou are to the child. Ask yourself how safe andrespected the child feels about your relationship. Ifneeded, take the time to reconnect and encourage asense of safety.

Specific Techniques Repeat your request calmly, yet firmly. Give brief, honest reasons why there is a limit. Adult is

informing the child, not looking for agreement orapproval.

Listen to and respect the child’s point of view. Take time to think and get clear before you answer. Avoid getting sidetracked. Firmly state that complying is not negotiable. Use broken record technique. Be clear if there are options. If child does not comply in a reasonable amount of time,

take action.

Emotional CoachingListening (what Kurcinka calls “EmotionalCoaching”) is a critical component of theeffective disciplining process. This componentis helpful because it can:

• promote connection

• help the child understand that the educatorappreciates how the child is feeling

• increase an educator’s awareness of child’sneeds, feelings, values and perspectives.

Emotional Coaching This listening usually involves giving one or two short

statements of acknowledgment and appreciation. Educators acknowledge child’s feelings, needs, wishes,

perspectives and/or perceptions BEFORE giving anassertive message.

An acknowledgment helps the child know that the educatoris both aware and appreciative of their experiences andperspectives.

Educators consider what the child might be feeling,needing, believing, expecting, struggling with, valuing orwishing and puts that into words to show that he or she isaware of, understands and appreciates the child’sexperiences and perspectives.

Sentence StartersSentence starters educators can use: “I can see that you are feeling…” (said if it is clear what the child is

feeling) “It seems like you may be feeling…” (said if it is not as clear what

the child is feeling.) “I hear you that you believe…” ”What you think you need right now is….” “The reason you said that/did that is….” “What you think is true is….” “I understand that what is important to you is….” “You are clear that it is not important to you that….” “…means a lot to you.” “It is/was hard for you when….” “This is difficult for you because….” “You are/were hoping that….” “The way you would like this to work out is….”

“Think About” Homework We encourage educators to consider ways to apply the

information presented directly or indirectly and topresent one or more of the following to adults orstudents:

• Destructive versus Constructive Anger• The place for and value of venting Anger• The ways distorted trigger thoughts can connect with feelings and can lead to anger• Handling Protests• "Emotional Coaching"

Recommended Reading Anger Disorders: Definition, Diagnosis and Treatment. Howard

Kassinove, 1995. Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. Carol Tavris, 1982. Honor Your Anger. Beverly Engel, 2004. How to Discipline Without Feeling Guilty. Melvin L. Silberman and

Susan A. Wheelan, 1980. Inner Joy. Harold Bloomfield, M.D. and Robert Kory, 1980. Kids Are Worth It. Barbara Coloroso, 2002. Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles. Mary Sheedy Kurchinka,

2000. The Anger Control Workbook. Matthew McKay, Ph.D. and Peter

Rogers, Ph.D., 2003. The Anger Management Sourcebook. Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D.

and Melissa Hallmark Kerr, Ph.D., 2002.