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WEDNESDAY04.01.20Volume 19 Issue 120

This is the April Fools’ EditionHa Ha Ha?

Plaza of Santa Monica shifts architectural plan to incorporate shipping containers

BY TRENTON QUARANTINO

Under the veil of coronavirus, the Planning Commission has approved a radical shift in architecture

proposed by the developers of publicly-owned property at 4th & Arizona.

“It just made so much sense given the times,” said once-famed

architect Laame Kuhlhaus.“Global trade has ground to a

near halt and there are millions of

‘Pexit’ movement advocates for Pier to become an islandBY HANS HAUSTRAPPED VON KINDER

Tenants of the Santa Monica Pier have voted to secede from the city at large to protect their businesses from burdensome regulations and the coming COVID-20 zombie apocalypse.

Pier Exit (Pexit) will do more than just cut fiscal and government ties with the City by the Sea, it will physically separate the Pier into a free-standing municipality as the City in the Sea.

The current Pier Bridge was scheduled for demolition and replacement anyway but current events prompted a radical redesign of the plan that will sever the Pier’s tie to land, add pontoons to the pilings and launch the structure into a man-made, floating attraction just off the coast.

Officials said the move was inspired by the trend towards decentralization at almost every

Courtesy imageREDESIGN: A revised proposal for the Plaza project makes use of a suddenly abundant building material.

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Eviction moratorium is boon for illegal

apartment remodelsBY SKYPE ZOOMER

The streets of Santa Monica may be emptier than usual due to the coronavirus pandemic sweeping Los Angeles county, however, the sound of car horns and outdoor yoga classes has been replaced by a cacophony of drilling, sawing and hacking.

Amid the ban on evictions currently in place, many Santa Monica residents are taking advantage of a unique opportunity to make little changes to their homes they had always wanted to.

The inside of Sally Forth’s apartment currently resembles “a woodpecker’s wet dream,” according to her only roommate, who asked to remain anonymous for the purposes of this story.

For the last week, Forth has been

furiously drilling holes in every single one of her apartment’s walls in preparation to hang up all the paintings she has lovingly crafted throughout her career as a failed artist.

“I just finally feel like I can express myself, you know, artistically,” Forth said. “Every gallery in Santa Monica has been turning me down for years, so I have decided to turn my home into a gallery.”

Among the many pieces lined up for hanging are an oil-on-acrylic rendering of Forth’s former gerbil Buttercup, as well as a pointillist depiction of what could be a bunch of bananas, or possibly not, in crayon.

Forth said that she intends to sell personalized Zoom tours of her

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Local2 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 01, 2020

Eat Like You’re In a Depression

BY SKYPE ZOOMER

Local restaurants are reviving foods popularized in the 1930s — and, with good reason, swiftly forgotten — as they try to outlast the economic crisis caused by the coronavirus pandemic.

Rather than shut down entirely, some restaurants are experimenting with cost-effective, stick-to-your-ribs recipes developed by crafty home cooks during the Great Depression. Chefs said dramatically reducing food costs has allowed them to maintain liquidity, make payroll and serve a community that suddenly has a lot less to spend on takeout and delivery.

Waldo’s is offering charcuterie boards for takeout, but they might look a little different from the Roquefort and Manchego spreads seen in years past. More practical, homespun nibbles are on tap, including dollops of baked beans in lieu of spiced nuts and bologna instead of prosciutto.

Patrons can also pick up canapes in the form of peanut butter and mayo tea-sized sandwiches, which was a go-to meal for struggling families in the 1930s because of its high protein content relative to its cost.

“With our cash flow being where it is right now, it’s really about making menu choices that fit into our budget,” said chef Pancetta Crostino. “Obviously, we still want to give our guests the best possible experience, so we’ve really redoubled our focus on technique.”

Ringo’s Good Food Shop, already well known for its sizable platters of crispy breakfast potatoes and French fries, is pivoting to an all-potato menu, with an emphasis on cost-effective dishes that were all the rage during

the Hoover administration. Chefs at Ringo’s said they are finding new

inspiration in classics like the Poor Man’s Meal, which is composed of chopped potatoes fried in a pan with onions and hot dogs.

Diners who have seen their debit accounts shrink over the last few weeks will be especially glad to hear that Ringo’s is offering not-so-loaded baked potatoes for a mere 35 cents a pop.

Silo & Polish is beloved throughout Santa Monica for its delicious breads, pastries and pizzas, and the restaurant is hardly done innovating.

Rather than tossing out day-old bread, bakers are cutting costs by experimenting with “cooked bread,” a Depression-era standby that entails pouring olive oil and salt on cut-up hard bread, soaking the concoction with boiling water and mashing it up.

“If bread pudding can be such a hit, why not this?” said chef Mozza Farina. “In any case, it reduces food waste.”

Chinos on Main is also getting creative in the face of financial adversity. The chefs have replaced the pork in their popular spring roll appetizer with creamed chipped beef. Traditionally served on toast, the 1930s favorite consists of small pieces of dried beef in white sauce.

“In any creative field, putting some constraints on the materials you have available can really encourage you to think outside the box,” said chef Honey Glaze. “Who knows — after this is over, we might keep some of these creations on the menu for good.”

Meanwhile, construction continued unabated on overpriced housing projects throughout the city.

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Traffic reductions thwarting bus schedules

BY TIM TISSUEHOARDER

Ridership throughout the Big Blue Bus system has fallen 401% in recent weeks, and officials said Tuesday it’s because local residents aren’t used to a transit system that operates on-time.

Since the enactment of Gov. Gavin Newsom’s safer-at-home order, BBB services have remained in operation after state representatives deemed transportation services essential.

On normal days, morning routes are sometimes haggled by a variety of small delays that could cause drivers to run 45 minutes late at any point throughout the day. But riders have become so accustomed to the minor hindrances over the years, most feel like it’d be rude on the drivers part to show up on time now.

After 20 decades of riding to and from Venice on the BBB, Patty Gold said Tuesday she has become so accustomed to delays that she usually snoozes her alarm an extra time or two a day.

“Recently, this has proved disastrous,” Gold said. “I slept the extra 16 minutes before heading out for both shifts last week and my bus came ‘early,’ which is now on-time, so I was late.”

Gold added her manager almost fired her, “but he said I was too essential to let go.”

“Though drivers are completing routes

in record time, recent surveys show extreme dissatisfaction among riders,” according to memos obtained by the Daily Press, “The lucky few who are able to catch the buses often share remarks with drivers similar to: ‘I never knew this was when the bus was supposed to show.’; ‘Does this mean you’ve never been on time?’; and ‘I used to show up 8 minutes late to work every day but now I’m 9 minutes early. Thank You!’”

Along with a decrease in ridership, the memos also signify a significant decrease in bus revenue, which officials believe is strictly caused by local residents’ issue with “irregular timing.”

Some former BBB riders have opted to take Uber and Lyft instead, but most are choosing to walk to work, which increases the potential to spread COVID-19 in the community.

The city of Santa Monica’s director of transit solutions said BBB staff is currently working around the clock to devise new strategies that will attract and retain riders, including offering free consultations with nurses on-board.

“We’ve tried adding extra signage, passing out pamphlets and advertising in the paper, but nobody seems to have noticed,” an anonymous official said. “We’re thinking about running an ad on the back of a bus.”


“gallery” once the whole thing has come together.

And Forth isn’t the only one looking to give their apartments a Spring spruce up without their landlord’s consent.

Several small diggers can be seen occupying a now rubbled building on 23rd Street. In front of the pile of rocks proudly stands its instigator Steve Jones, a retired demolitions expert whose career highlight was creating “Old Digby,” the colossal drilling machine which blasted through bedrock to build the Channel Tunnel which links France and the United Kingdom.

“I heard about the ban on evictions, and my upstairs neighbor hasn’t been at home for a few weeks, so I thought what better time than the present to knock the whole thing down and start again,” Jones said.

When asked if he thinks his landlord might be angry and perhaps seek legal action when he learns that the building has been torn down, Jones said he’s ready to “lawyer up” and stand by his decision.

“It’s better this way,” Jones added wistfully. “Now I can set up that self-realization shrine I’ve always wanted to have in the garden.”

Jones’ landlord, Rob M. Blind, couldn’t be reached for comment. However, according to

Jones he has received more than 50 missed phone calls from Blind since the first wrecking ball hit.

One perhaps more constructive trend to emerge from the current situation is the rush towards adopting animals to act as self-isolation companions. Several residents, among them Hermione Golightly, have brought home a forever friend to apartment buildings that don’t allow pets.

Golightly, who lives in a seven-storey apartment building in Ocean Park, went straight to the nearest animal shelter she could find and adopted Gio, a Neapolitan Mastiff who weighs 150 lbs and likes scratches behind his practically non-existent ears.

While she admitted that his barks, which were described as “like a clap of thunder” by a neighbor, might be a little disruptive for other residents in the packed building, Golightly is just happy to have found a friend to help her through these difficult times.

“I know my landlord will kick us out in the long run, but with this ban on evictions thing, Gio and I can self-isolate in peace, can’t we Gio,” Golightly said.

“Woof,” replied Gio defiantly, as if to show that neither he, nor his owner are going anywhere.


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Coronavirus takes toll on career criminals

BY TRENTON QUARANTINO

While there are many visible signs of the economic hardship our locked-down situation is causing (e.g. closed restaurants, empty malls and theaters, reduced panhandling) the pain runs much deeper in the criminal community.

Thieves, hustlers and other scofflaws have found it very difficult to ply their trade in recent weeks and it’s taking a toll, both financially and mentally. We gathered a few for a roundtable (virtual of course).

Until recently, Jake was one of the many full-time burglars frequenting Santa Monica. But the coronavirus threw a crowbar into his lucrative house intrusion gig. “Everybody’s at home, day and night—and they’ve all been buying guns! Ain’t no way I’m taking my chances on stumbling onto the business end of a Glock 9mm. Instead, I’ve chosen to adjust my lifestyle until things get back to normal.”

Shoplifting seems equally dismal if the experience of Laura “See Ya At Sephora” is any indication. “It’s hard to make a living stealing stuff if the stores are closed,” she lamented “and the few that are open are cleaned out. What’s a thief to do?” Still, she’s enjoying the extra three hours in her day now that she’s not wasting time getting booked and released. “I’ve taken up Pilates and gardening.”

Before the March 19th stay-at-home order, Mike was a law-breaking regular whom Santa Monica police officers nicknamed “Taylor Swift” for his long blonde hair combined with speed and agility in evading arresting officers.

Now, Mike spends his day watching The People’s Court and eating junk food. “I’ve gained 10 pounds sitting at home…I just have to hope those cops have gained even more! It’s hard to be an outlaw if you can’t outrun the law.”

Oscar is a regular in our Crime Watch series having been arrested and booked into County 23 times in the past 18 months. For him, it’s about comradery, or the lack thereof.

“I miss my friends in the police force. You get used to interacting with someone almost every day and then one day they’re gone.”

“It’s tough to handle,” said Oscar, “but I’m using the downtime to learn some new skills on YouTube¬—just finishing up a masterclass in lockpicking that will surely expand my opportunities once things get back to normal.”

Sarah is a prolific white-collar criminal who is having to adapt to an ever-changing environment. “In the good old days, fraudsters thrived in every economic climate, but this is challenging. When businesses are closed, the easy marks aren’t answering their phones with the same frequency.”

“Fortunately,” said Sarah, “my skills transfer well to the home market and with everybody sheltered in place and yearning for outside contact, I’m really getting back in stride. I don’t know if there’s a sucker born every minute, but there’s definitely at least one in every household.”

John-Juan is a pickpocket who has seen his income fall by over 90%. “In my line of work, you need crowds, big crowds.” Hordes of drunk tourists are the most lucrative sub-category, according to JJ. “When you think drunk, dumb and tourist, Santa Monica is the first thing that pops into your head. There are few spots in America as lucrative as the Pier and now that’s all been taken away. Once again, our leaders have failed the perpetrator community.”

As diverse as this group of lawbreakers is, they are all suffering the same pain and frustration brought on by sudden economic dislocation. Still, none expressed any interest in changing their chosen profession. Mike “Taylor Swift” summed it up best: “I’ll be damned if I’m going to exit the criminal community and take a good paying job from some honest, decent person in these uncertain times. How would that help anyone?”




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With the closure of all dining areas in restaurants, one vulnerable segment of the population has found themselves particularly hard hit by the change. Local Karens are unable to complain to the manager for the duration of their meal.

“We know that for some people, the complaining is the reason they go out,” said restaurant employee Puckgang Wolf. “However, with customers not being here and our managers either now out of work or busy answering actual calls, we know these customers can’t get the level of service they think they are entitled to so we’re offering a new service to allow those with low self-esteem to continue berating service workers.”

The restaurant will now include a “manager” name-tag on all delivery employees so anyone wanting to complain can feel they’ve been heard while maintaining social distancing proto-cols.

“I don’t mind them complaining about the sixth or seventh substitution they made on a club sandwich as long as they keep six feet away,” said a local driver while using his hazard lights to justify double-parking in front of a driveway.

The move follows the formation of several new neighborhood watch organizations staffed by wealthy white women who report anyone that doesn’t look rich enough seen walking in their neighborhood.

The group is expecting delivery of their Karen-signal, a spotlight emblazoned with the outline of a sideways mullet but receipt is delayed after they sent the first two back for just not being right.

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Students preparing for their dystopian future

BY TIM TISSUEHOARDER

You’ve heard of students taking social studies, math and English, but local students stuck at home during the recent pandemic now have the ability to take a new type of class that may prove useful in the future.

Schools across Santa Monica are now offering scholars — kindergarten through senior year of college —classes that will teach them how to raise themselves during the apocalypse.

The first class session will be held Tuesday, April 1, according to teacher Cal Soppey, who said she thought of the idea after witnessing the empty shelves of a local grocery store during a recent outing.

“I almost had to duke it out right there in the aisle,” Soppey said, “but I saw a kid holding a log of wood and thought: ‘He’s not going to know what to do with that.’”

Soppey said she immediately went home and began drafting up the curriculum of her upcoming program, which will welcome any student who is under 18-years-old and interested in learning more about how to survive on their own during an end-of-the-world scenario.

“This is the first course of its kind, so there’s no groundwork or state standards to follow,” Soppey said during an interview at a Malibu campsite. “However, there is a lot of great fiction about kids taking over after all the adults have been wiped out so one of our first lessons will be how to raid a closed library for necessary books because without power, the free computers will be worthless.”

“Our mission is to not only teach the kids how to survive —you know — we have to teach them the rules of the game and how to really thrive. Because at the end of the day, you can’t trust anybody. Have you seen the Hunger Games?”

Soppey added the course will also cover the best ways to properly establish a floating colony on now abandoned yachts and convert

sports equipment like croquet mallets and football pads into post-industrial weaponry.

“The other thing I find totally far-out is there’s no other program in Santa Monica where kids can come and meet each other right now,” Soppey said. “Which is something that I find weird because everybody is always preaching social skills nowadays.”

Though the class has received mixed reactions online, some local NextDoor users said it could be the best thing to come to Santa Monica since the city agreed to erect a statue of a homeless man.

“I wanted to make sure the kids got that education,” parent Patti Golds said. “Because I want to make sure my kids get into the best clique-based tribe that emerges following this pandemic.”

She said her kids are hoping for the Mall Rats faction that will grow out of the previously rich and popular but they have chosen safety tribes just in case.

“Kids have to know how to care for themselves and things they’ll need,” she said. “They just don’t have the grades to make it into one of the nerd-cells that will likely take over a high school but my son played lacrosse and my daughter is into water polo. So between his comfort hitting people with sticks and her ability to efficiently drown someone they have the sports-themed barbarians as a backup option.”

One parent, who wished to remain anonymous, said she was reluctant to do it at first. “But I really wasn’t getting any alone time since school has been out.”

Soppey said she is currently in discussion with local businesses in the area who are interested in training the future traders.

“No-one’s going to be bartering for a Switch or PS4 so we want to make sure the youth know what to hoard for future trades,” she said.




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level of government but really gathered steam when they binged watched Fear the Walking Dead during the recent quarantine and realized the ocean is the ultimate “social distancer” during an outbreak.

“England does not want to be part of Europe, Venice doesn’t want to be part of Los Angeles and locals are moving to establish borders between neighborhoods, if ever there was a time for us to break-away, it’s now,” said Marion Negan

He said the Pier has a culture distinct from the rest of the city.

“Our businesses thrive on customers from outside City borders and the Pier has always been a space open to everyone. We realize that openness puts us at odds with the increasingly xenophobic tendencies of much of the population so we thought it would be better for everyone if we just detach and go our own way.”

In addition to cultural divides, the Pier actually has the ability to be self sustaining, unlike the City at large.

While mainland Santa Monica needs water, food clothes, gas and just about everything else brought in, the Pier can generate most of those resources.

The new island will be able to capitalize on tidal power for much of its electrical needs with solar energy providing an additional boost when necessary. Desalination devices will be able to create some of the needed fresh water and advances in grey water technology will help recycle waste into

potable water for other uses.“If it worked for Kevin Costner in

Waterworld, it can work for us,” said Negan. Pier restaurants are planning to be even

more sustainable once they go to sea with many planning to source their entire menu from foraged ocean foods.

“There are restaurants in town serving tripe and kale so it shouldn’t be difficult to make seagull eggs the next culinary trend,” said pier chef Greg Brunetta.

Once adrift, Pier officials hope to actually expand opportunities for entertainment by taking inspiration from Santa Monica’s colorful aquatic entertainment history.

The famed “Rex” was a notorious gambling ship that drew patrons from all over the region while anchored in local waters and there are plans to revive the old format with a new casino on the pier. In addition, local marijuana entrepreneurs have already expressed an interest in establishing a large pot shop on the new island where smokers could partake in the local “sea-weed” without complaints from landlubbers about the smoke and smell.

News of Pexit caused little alarm in City Hall following several years of increasing problems and costs associated with operation of the Pier.

“We thought they’d get the hint when we successfully sucked the fun out of the concert series but we’re happy to have the beachfront real estate to work with,” said City Manager Cole Rickman.


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Wash your hands frequently

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Practice respiratory hygiene

If you have fever, cough and di�culty breathing, seek medical care early

Stay informed and follow advice given by your healthcare provider

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Happy19th

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Chief

Panhandling goes digital

BY HANS HAUSTRAPPED VON KINDER

Coronavirus fears have tanked the local economy sending many traditional businesses into the depths of depression. However, some quick-thinking individuals are finding ways to move their businesses into the online world and the local street entrepreneurs are also adapting to the crisis by moving their panhandling into the digital sphere.

Thanks to the glaring security hole in the popular video service “Boom”, anyone with the link to a chat room can participate in the video discussions. Inexperienced users are posting links to their family reunions on Facebook, sending out classroom invitations to their entire address books and trying to organize happy hours via reddit.

Savvy scammers have quickly harvested those links and used them to establish virtual panhandling squats inside these community gatherings that feature images of cardboard signs asking for a Venmo donation.

“You have to go where the people are and right now, they are all on their couch,” said Irma Hobo. “I mean I’d feel bad about just showing up at someone’s door because that’s creepy but if they’re using a previously unknown video service to post a public link that can record the interior of their living room, they should expect something like this.”

The video service is increasingly being used to replace large social gatherings with many individual chat windows populating a users screen. The jumble of images and the disheveled state of many authorized users makes it easy for the imposters to fit in.

“It’s great because most people look like bums on the chat anyway after not showering or changing their clothes for a week so we can slip right into a group hangout and most people don’t notice,” said Hobo.

Residents have also been trained to accept online donations over personal sacrifice when dealing with large-scale problems so many don’t question a link to a gofundme when it’s posted in a setting they trust.

Hobo said parachuting into a business strategy discussion can be boring but it’s really awkward when two socially inept youngsters are trying for romance with an online date. However, she sees her presence as a way to help bring a sense of familiarity and comfort to digital interaction.

“We really help complete the virtual experience,” she said. “If they went on an actual date downtown, they’d have to constantly ignore us anyway and if they want the really authentic Santa Monica experience, you have to get yelled at by a crazy homeless person at least once a week.”


SMDP ImageONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS: It’s possible to gate-crash some online video meetings and the loophole is being exploited by those looking for cash.


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Draw Date: 03/30Evening: 4 8 2

Draw Date: 03/291st: 6 - WHIRL WIN2nd: 11 - MONEY BAGS3rd: 8 - GORGEOUS GEORGERACE TIME: 1:46.97

Wednesday: Partly sunny, with a high near 74.Wednesday Night: Partly cloudy, with a low around 59.Thursday: Mostly sunny, with a high near 69.Thursday Night: Patchy fog after 11pm. Otherwise, mostly cloudy, with a low around 52.Friday: Mostly sunny, with a high near 66.Friday Night: Mostly clear, with a low around 53.Saturday: Sunny, with a high near 65.

2020/04/01 Wed 03:02 AM 4.26 H2020/04/01 Wed 11:36 AM 0.29 L2020/04/01 Wed 7:28 PM 3.14 H2020/04/01 Wed 10:42 PM 2.92 L2020/04/02 Thu 04:43 AM 4.42 H2020/04/02 Thu 12:32 PM -0.15 L2020/04/02 Thu 7:38 PM 3.51 H2020/04/03 Fri 12:08 AM 2.47 L2020/04/03 Fri 05:58 AM 4.80 H2020/04/03 Fri 1:16 PM -0.53 L2020/04/03 Fri 7:58 PM 3.93 H2020/04/04 Sat 01:04 AM 1.83 L2020/04/04 Sat 06:59 AM 5.20 H2020/04/04 Sat 1:55 PM -0.79 L2020/04/04 Sat 8:23 PM 4.40 H2020/04/05 Sun 01:52 AM 1.12 L2020/04/05 Sun 07:52 AM 5.51 H2020/04/05 Sun 2:31 PM -0.88 L

Date Day of the Week Time (LST/LDT) Predicted (ft) High/Low


Puzzles & Stuff9Visit us online at www.smdp.com

SOLUTIONS TO YESTERDAY’S SUDOKU

SOLUTIONS TO YESTERDAY’S CROSSWORD

SudokuFill in the blank cells using numbers 1 to 9. Each num-ber can appear only once in each row, col-umn, and 3x3 block. Use logic and pro-cess of elimination to solve the puzzle.

AIRES: You should capitalize on your competitive nature. Get up early and get in line at Trader Joes, and make sure you buy the most toilet paper out of any other shopper in the store. If there are limits, wait in line again.

TAURUS: Sensual Taurus loves luxury and relaxation and today is no different. Take your time today, wake up late and get ready to look good on your way to Trader Joes to buy toilet paper. Splurge on the extra soft and luxurious kind, sparing no expense.

GEMINI: Intellectual Geminis need to pay special attention to their duality, especially today. When buying toilet paper at Trader Joes, make sure you buy in sets of two, and make sure to get two different kinds of softness.

CANCER: The Crab has a special attachment to their kitchen. Make sure it’s stocked and get over to Trader Joes to buy some frozen food. And toilet paper. Make yourself a great meal tonight, and the stars will thank you with good fortune.

LEO: The Lion is synonymous with vanity, and today is no exceptions. Before heading to the store to buy toilet paper, make sure you are presenting your best self by wearing an outfit that screams “look at me”.

VIRGO: The practical side in you also enjoys being punctual. Whether its getting to the store on time, calling in your Zoom meeting early, or timing your dog walk with your neighbor make sure you get out and buy what’s important and practical, and you know what we’re talking about.

LIBRA: Stylish Libra is always looking for ways to stay clean, so the best time to get supplies is first thing in the morning. Take special care to wash your hands, shoes and outfit before heading out on your way to pick up some TP at TJ’s.

SCORPIO: Mysterious Scorpio lives to uncover secrets, like where the current stock of paper products are being held. Use your intuitive skills on this special day and find where the stockpiles of toilet paper are hiding.

SAGITTARIUS: Always the adventurous one, you must find a new adventure today that involves some element of danger. Best choice is to try to wrestle a 4 pack of toilet paper from a gangster-looking momma and just see what happens.

CAPRICORN: Frugal Capricorn will be looking hard for deals during this difficult time, and is growing frustrated because it’s harder than ever. When you find a good deal on toilet paper, jump on it. Then congratulate yourself and bask in the moment.

AQUARIUS: Always armed with the latest tech gadgets, use them to find out where the shortest lines for grocery stores are, who may still have toilet paper, and what you need to do to organize your day to go get it.

PISCES: Imaginative Pieces is so pure hearted, they may be the most gullible of all signs. Don’t let false reports of toilet paper supply derail your plans to get your daily tasks done, and don’t let your feelings be hurt if you can’t find any.

TODAY’S HOROSCOPE (APRIL 01)


Puzzles & Stuff10 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 01, 2020

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SOLUTIONS TO YESTERDAY’S WORDS PUZZLE.Lucky if you live there

Binary PuzzleEach cell should contain a zero or

a one. No more than two similar

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other are allowed. Each row and

each column is unique and con-

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SOLUTIONS TO YESTERDAY’S PUZZLE



Associate Director, Digital Strategy required by Universal Music Group at 2220 Colorado Avenue, Santa Monica, CA 90404. Responsible to lead and asst neg of lic agrmnts of UMG content with dig prt-nrs. Asst in dev strat plan for dig growth. Send resume to Attn: 3333 Eire Juarez, Human Resources, 2220 Colorado Ave, Santa Monica California 90404. NO Phone calls or emails. Ad paid by an equal opportunity employer.

Software Eng. (Lens Studio) sought by Snap Inc. in Santa Monica, CA. App dvlpmt for mobile apps & backend w/ C++ & Qt. BS or for. eq. + 3 yrs. exp. req. Resumes: HalehHR, Snap Inc., 3000 31st St., Ste C, Santa Monica, CA 90405. Use Job Code #SWE-0220-AK. EOE.

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HOURS MONDAY - FRIDAY 9:00am - 5:00pmLOCATION 1640 5th Street, Suite 218, Santa Monica, CA 90401

containers sitting empty in ports all over the world.”

Kuhlhaus describes the proposed project as “the most complex assembly imaginable — 10 stories of colorful, slightly rusted containers organized in the most haphazard of ways!”

He describes the mishmash of primary-colored containers as resembling “a talentless child’s Lego structure.”

At 8-feet by 40-feet, the apartment units would be similar in size to what people are already being crammed into downtown.

Additionally, the thin metal exteriors make for spaces that are hot in the summer and cold in the winter, thus “residents would feel

like they are living in a much more traditional four-season climate.”

The project developer’s spokesperson, Lucy Stooles, said that while they welcome the 90% lower construction cost, their real reason for the switch was to bring “an edgy, downscale vibe” to a city already in rapid decline.

“If we do it right, it will blend seamlessly into the homeless-dominated landscape of Downtown.”

“We call it reverse gentrification and we are leveraging the highly successful efforts by City Hall to drag us all down into shitville.”


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CitywideCity Hall inserts labor peace agreement into youth chore contracts

After failing to gain traction in its most recent attempt to force unionization on some busi-nesses, City Hall is pivoting to a newly established local workforce: kids doing additional house-hold chores during the lockdown.

Officials are considering adding a labor peace addition to the most recent emergency decla-ration that would mandate youth chores such as taking out the trash, making a bed, cleaning a garage or watching a younger sibling be subject to existing minimum wage requirements unless the children join the union, in which case they get whatever the union decides is best for them.

“For-profit enterprises can just go out of business when we implement these strict microman-agement tools on their operations,” said Councilmember Blevin McCovins. “But parents can’t abandon their children.”

However, the measure comes just as parents are questioning just how much they value their offspring.

“I do love my kids but that was before we were confined to the same apartment for the last two weeks,” said wild-eyed and sleep deprived parent Ross James. “If I can’t work them like Oliver Twist, I’ll have to consider rehousing them, or myself, just for everyone’s safety.”

The provision could also add language that would allow code enforcement officers to imple-ment the same micromanagement standards on home offices as they typically apply to new restaurants trying to open in town.

City hall said the proposal was necessary to ensure there were enough “volunteers” available to help them in the upcoming election and to provide busywork for the employees who would usually meddle in upcoming business openings.

“We have a very highly paid staff that has been trained to overreach into the operation of local businesses and we don’t want that to go to waste,” said City Manager Cole Rickman.

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12 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 01, 2020

Sidecar Doughnuts, 631 Wilshire Blvd D, (310) 587-0022, http://sidecardoughuts.comFrozen Fruit Co, 729 Montana Ave, (424) 332-7484, http://www.frozenfruitco.comEl Pollo Loco Restaurant, 1906 Lincoln Blvd, (310) 392-9809, ww.elpolloloco.comJersey Mike’s Subs, 1447 Lincoln Blvd, (310) 394-1888, jerseymikes.comGyu-Kaku Restaurant, 231 Arizona Ave, (310) 214-9572, https://www.gyu-kaku.comCitizen Sprout, 1128 Wilshire Blvd, (424) 280-4123, www.citizensprout.comSweetfin, 829 Broadway A, (310) 395-1097, http://sweetfin.comBoba Lab, 711 Pico Blvd, (323) 600-3598, https://www.mybobalab.comOrto, 502 Santa Monica Blvd , (424) 433-8100, ortosantamonica.comRakkan Ramen, 1705 Ocean Ave Suite 111, (310) 400-1261, https://rakkanusa.comFromins, 1832 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 829-5443, fromins.comRosti Tuscan Kitchen, 931 Montana Ave, (818) 877-9774, http://rostituscankitchen.comBoba Tea and Me, 1328 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 906-9914, http://www.bobateaandme.comTakuma, 2627 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 586-7469, santamonicatakuma.comTrimana Fresh Market, 1348 3rd Street Promenade, (310) 393-2486, Satdha Thai, 2218 Lincoln Blvd, (310)450-6999, https://satdhakitchen.com/Sweet Lady Jane, 1631 Montana Ave, (310) 254-9499, http://www.sweetladyjane.comBen & Jerrys , 2441 Main St, (310) 450-0691, http://www.benjerry.comRocco’s Cheesecake, 1701 Pico Blvd, (310) 396-1701, www.roccoscheesecake.comBuddha Joy, 1610 Santa Monica Blvd, (310) 828-5304, eatlees.comMendocino Farms, 631 Wilshire Blvd Unit C, (310) 395-5273Dagwoods Pizza, 820 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 899-3030, http://www.dagwoods.comTumbi Craft Indian Kitchen, 115 Santa Monica Blvd, (310) 829-7200, www.tumbibar.comIl Forno Caffe & Pizzeria, 2901 Ocean Park Blvd 111, (310) 450-1241, https://www.ilfornocaffe.com/Baskin Robbins, 2614 Pico Blvd, (424) 252-9359, www.baskinrobbins.comLocal Cafe, 2214 Pico Blvd, (424) 322-2710, http://www.local-coffee.comSushi King, 1330 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 395-0120, Cafe Bolivar, 1741 Ocean Park Blvd, (310) 581-2344, cafebolivar.comGilbert’s El Indio, 2526 Pico Blvd., (310) 450-8057, www.gilbertselindio.comChick-fil-A, 2207 Lincoln Blvd, (310) 310-0160, cfasantamonica.comKye’s Super Tasty Super Foods, 1518 Montana Ave, (310) 395-5937, kyesmontana.comBackyard Bowls, 1317 7th St A, (310) 994-6977, http://www.backyardbowls.comBread And Porridge, 2315 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 453-4941, breadandporridge.comOne Stop Shop Mart, 314 Santa Monica Blvd, (310) 393-5533, Andrews Cheese Shop, 728 Montana Avenue, (310) 393-3308, www.andrewscheese.comPeets Coffee & Tea, 1401 Montana Ave, (310)394-8555, www.peets.comAshland Hill, 2807 Main St, (310) 392-3300, http://ashlandhill.comThe Lobster, 1602 Ocean Ave, (310) 991-1228, http://www.thelobster.comAzule Taqueria, 1315 3rd Street Promenade Ste J, (424) 317-5429, https://azuletaqueria.com/orderPaperboy Pizza, 1315 3rd Street Promenade, (424) 317-5429, https://www.paperboypizza.com/STRFSH, 1315 Third Street Promenade, (424) 317-5429, https://www.strfsh.com/orderSocialEats, 1315 3rd Street Promenade 1, (424) 317-5429, https://thesocialeats.com/Benny’s Tacos & Chicken Rotisserie, 915 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 451-0200, www.bennystacos.comSubway, 2901 Ocean Park Blvd, (310) 396-3004, www.subway.comDolcenero, 2400 Main St A3, (323) 540-6263, www.dolcenerogelato.comHoly Guacamole, 2906 Main St, (310) 314-4850, holyguacamolemain.comSL Ramen, 1319 3rd Street Promenade, (213) 675-4393, https://silverlakeramen.com/California Chicken Cafe, 2401 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 453-0477, www.califchickencafe.com Caffe Bella, 1400 3rd Street Promenade, (310) 576-3433, https://www.facebook.com/caffebellasm/Huckleberry, 1014 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 560-7787, https://www.huckleberrycafe.com/Milo And Olive, 2723 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 453-6776, https://www.miloandolive.com/Sweet Rose Creamery, 2726 Main St, (310) 260-2663 x4, http://www.sweetrosecreamery.comCassia, 1314 7th St, (310) 393-6699, https://www.cassiala.com/Wally’s Wine & Spirits, 214 Wilshire Blvd., (424) 293-5500, www.wallywine.comEsters, 1314 7th St, (310) 899-6900, https://www.esterswineshop.com/Tiato Restaurant, 2700 Colorado Ave 190, (310) 866-5210, http://tiato.comMilo SRO, 826 Pico Blvd, (310) 392-0706, https://www.milosro.com/Del Frisco’s Grille, 1551 Ocean Avenue Suite 105, (310) 395-7333, https://delfriscosgrille.comBarneys Beanery, 1351 3rd Street Prom, (626) 390-4944, barneysbeanery.comBagel Nosh, 1629 Wilshire Blvd, (818) 340-7382, bagelnoshdeli.comHillstone Restaurant, 202 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 576-7558, www.hillstone.comFORMA, 1610 Montana Ave, (424) 208-7700, formarestaurant.comFather’s Office, 1018 Montana Ave., 90403, (310) 736-2224, fathersoffice.comPriscio, 1912 Broadway 100, (310) 309-9463, www.thepriscio.comR + D Kitchen, 1323 Montana Ave, (310) 395-3314, https://rd-kitchen.com/locations/santamonica/Luna Grill, 3001 Wilshire Blvd 103, (858) 450-1188, http://lunagrill.comSubway, 2635 Lincoln Blvd, (310) 581-3344, subway.comWexlers Deli, 616 Santa Monica Blvd, (424) 744-8671, http://www.wexlersdeli.com

Daily Grill, 2501 Colorado Ave B-190, (310) 309-2170, https://www.dailygrill.comHoly Cow BBQ , 264 26th St., (310) 883-6269, www.holycowbbq.comMassilia, 1445 4th St, (310) 251-4822, http://www.lezinque.comStella Barra Pizzeria, 2000 Main St, (773) 907-7305, https://www.stellabarra.com/Ye Olde Kings Head, 132 Santa Monica Blvd, (310) 394-8765, www.yeoldekingshead.comFritto Misto, 620 Santa Monica Blvd, (310) 458-2829, frittomistoitaliancafe.comRed O, 1541 Ocean Ave #120, (310) 458-1600, http://redorestaurant.comIvy, 1535 Ocean Ave, (310) 393-3113, http://theivyrestaurants.comHeroic Deli & Wine Bar, 516 Santa Monica Blvd, (310) 691-8278, http://heroicitalian.comCalifornia Pizza Kitchen, 210 Wilshire Boulevard, (310) 393-9335, cpk.comNico’s Tacos, 1865 Lincoln Blvd Ste5, (424) 322-8370, Little Prince, 2424 Main Street, (310) 356-0725, littleprince.laLa Vecchia Cucina, 2654 Main St, (310) 399-7979, www.lavecchia.comRock’n Pies Pizza Company, 1120 Wilshire Blvd, (424) 268-4380, www.rocknpiespizza.comPosh Cafe, 1620 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 968-2237, [email protected] Vegetarian, 1909 Wilshire Blvd 90403, (310) 828-7060, www.chandnivegrestaurant.comSonoma Wine Garden, 395 Santa Monica Pl, (424) 214-4560, http://sonomawinegarden.comBrunos Italian Restaurant, 1652 Ocean Avenue, (310) 395-5589, brunossantamonica.comThai Dishes, 123 Broadway, (310) 394-7105, thaidishessantamonica.comAll Vegan Organic, 306 Pico Blvd, (424) 387-8211, www.allveganorganic.comKreation Organic Kafe & Juicery, 1023 Montana Ave , (310) 458-5880, kreationjuice.comBangkok West, 606 Santa Monica Blvd, (310) 395-9658, bangkokwestthai.comThe Hive , 606 Broadway Ste 102, (310) 899-6298, www.thehivesm.comBroadway Baker, 1209 Wilshire Blvd, (646) 410-3857, http://broadwaybaker.comSanta Monica Pizza, 1318 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 393-4554, www.santamonicapizzakitchen.comLA Draught, 3021 Lincoln Blvd, (310) 919-1221, www.ladraught.comOnda, 700 Wilshire Blvd, 90401, (310) 620-9917, onda.laTruxon’s, 1329 Santa Monica Blvd, (310) 393-8789, http://www.truxtonsamericanbistro.com/Surfer Rose, 2460 Wilshire, (310) 828-2115, www.surferrose.comMain Street Bagels, 2905 Main St, (310) 392-6373, Arts Table, 1002 Montana Ave, 90403, (310) 395-2500, www.artstablesm.comMargo’s, 1534 Montana Ave, 90403, (310) 829-3990, www.margossantamonica.comFatburger, 1916 Lincoln Blvd, (213) 675-2522, fatburger.comTsukiji Sushi Sen, 2915 Main Street, (310) 581-3525, http://www.tsukijisushisen.comBack On The Beach, 445 Palisades Beach Rd, (310) 393-8282, backonthebeachcafe.comYogurtland, 304 Santa Monica Blvd, (424) 500-8487, www.yogurtlandsm.comShoop’s Delicatessen, 2400 Main Street #A1, (310) 452-1019, shoopsdeli.comTallula’s, 118 Entrada Drive, (310) 526-0027, https://www.tallulasrestaurant.com/Bay Cities, 1517 Lincoln Blvd, (310) 395-8279, bcdeli.comFunnel Mill, 930 Broadway, Suite A, (310) 393-1617, www.funnelmill.comLares , 2909 Pico Blvd., (310) 829-4550, https://www.lares-restaurant.comBroadway Baker, 1209 Wilshire Blvd, (646) 410-3857, https://broadwaybaker.com/Dunkin’ Donuts, 1132 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 576-9200, https://www.dunkindonuts.com/enPrimo Passo Coffee, 702 Montana Ave, (323) 546-4702, www.primopassocoffee.comBluestone Lane, 631 Wilshire Blvd, (718) 374-6858, https://bluestonelane.comDemitasse Coffee, 1149 3rd St., (424) 322-0959, www.cafedemitasse.comIngo’s Tasty Diner, 1213 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 395-4646, ingostastydiner.comLe Macaron, 1301 Montana Ave, (424) 295-0067, https://www.lemacaronsantamonica.com/Speakeasy Kitchen, 1326 Pico Blvd , (310) 450-4377, speakeasykitchen.laCafe Demitasse, 1149 3rd Suit 100 , (424) 322-0959, cafedemitasse.comBig Jo’s Burgers, 1955 Broadway, (310) 828-3191, http://bigjosburgers.com/Sunnin Lebanese Cuisine, 525 Santa Monica Blvd., Rm 120, (310) 395-3602, www.sunnin.comJohn Kelly Chocolates, 1111 1/2 Montana Ave, (310) 899-0900, Joe’s Pizza, 111 Broadway, (310) 395-9222, www.joespizza.comShores Kitchen, 2720 Neilson Way, (310) 314-1105, www.shoreskitchen.comSunny blue, 2728 Main Street, (310) 399-9030, sunnyblueunc.comErin McKenna’s Bakery, 1415 Montana Avenue, (855) 462-2292, erinmckennasbakery.comBirdie G’s, 2421 Michigan Avenue, 310-310-3616, https://www.birdiegsla.comZ Garden Mediterranean, 2350 Pico Blvd, (310)392-2900, zgardensantamonica.comZabies Restaurant, 3003 Ocean Park Blvd., (310) 392-9036, www.Zabies.comEl Torito, 3360 Ocean Park Blvd., (310) 450-8665, https://locations.eltorito.com/store/santa-monica Patricks road house, 106 Entrada Dr, (310) 459-4544, patricksroadhouse.infoCafé Zella, 1535 Wilshire Blvd., (310) 260-0479. https://www.cafezella.com/Noma, 2031 Wilshire Blvd, (310) 453-4848, www.nomasushi.com

SANTA MONICA’S TAKE OUT LIST

Visit smdp.com or scan this code to check the list online

Many Santa Monica restaurants are offering take-out and delivery services during the current stay-at-home order. To add or remove a restaurant from the list, email [email protected]

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