Emotions

PACS 3700/COMM 3700

Feb 4 and 6, 2014

Start with a group discussion.

1.Do you get emotional when you get into bad conflicts? (How many do/don’t?)

2.Is this good or bad? Why?

3.Do you try to confront conflicts rationally? (How many do/don’t?)4.What does this mean ?

Report Back

How many of you emotional when you get into bad conflicts?

Is this good or bad? Why?

Do you try to confront conflicts rationally?

Counts….

What does that mean?

Is there such thing as:

• Too emotional? – How do you know when emotions are “too much?”

• Not emotional enough? What is “not enough?”

Are your answers situation dependent?–How so? (What factors change your

answer?)

Stone, Patton, and Heen say difficult conversations have three different “conversations”… or layers…

Difficult Conversations

What Happened

Feelings

<--Identity, (Security, and Justice)

The “What Happened” Layer

The Feelings Layer

Heat under the surface

Emotions start to erupt….We can ignore it, let it go….

If you let the pressure build up, you get this!

How do you avoid this?

Stone, Patton and Heen advise to consider where the eruption is coming from.

The eruption is coming from pressure and heat that is even deeper down….

Psychologically…

threats to identity, security, justice

What emotions do those threats give rise to? (Quickly scribe some answers—as many as you can think of quickly)

•Security •Injustice •Identity

What emotions do those threats give rise to?

•Security Fear•Injustice ?

What emotions do those threats give rise to?

•Security Fear•Injustice Anger•Identity ?

What emotions do those threats give rise to?

•Security Fear•Injustice Anger•Identity Indignation, Humiliation

What Happened

Feelings

<--Identity, (Security, and Justice)

FOCUS ATTENTION HERE FIRST-->

What Happened

Feelings

<--Identity, (Security, and Justice)

<--Identity, (Security, and Justice)

Consider the case of the lost file….

Questions:

3.What are Vicki’s identity, security & justice issues?

4.What are Maria’s identity, security & justice issues?

Questions:

5.What are Vicky’s feelings (emotions) about this situation?

6. Find at least 4, maybe more….

7.What about Maria?

Review of the “4 horsemen”:

What are they?

Review of the “4 horsemen”:

What are they?•Criticism•Stonewalling•Defensiveness•Contempt

Stone, Patton, and Heen’s rules for constructive conversations (they call them “learning conversations”)….

1. Look deep – what are the identity issues?

What do you do about identity issues?

1. What do you do about identity issues?• Treat them gingerly!• Respect them!• Try to protect them (yours and

theirs!)

4. Protect your own identity by:

a.Avoiding the “all or nothing” syndromeb.”complexify” your identityc.keep your balanced. think long term

2. Identify and acknowledge your feelings. How do you do this?

3. Negotiate with your feelings

What does this mean?

4. Express your feelings without judging, attributing or blaming. (I messages and/or XYZ messages!)

What’s an XYZ message?

4. XYZ messages are: When YOU do Xin situation YI feel Z.

Is this an I message or a you message?Is it helpful? Harmful? Why do you say that?

How is it similar to…and different from:Tom Sebok’s Describing the Gap?Three-part messaging?

Describing the Gap (Sebok)1. Start with the facts about what was agreed to

or expected 2. Describe what actually happened or didn’t; and3. Ask an open-ended question (e.g., “what

happened” or “can we talk about this?”).

Three – Part Method for Raising Concerns:

1. Facts: No feelings, judgments, or opinions. Ideally, a fact is something that could be recorded by camera or audio tape.

2. Impact: Here, you can let the person know how what s/he did or did not do affected you (e.g., “It woke me up and I couldn’t go back to sleep” Can include emotions).

3. Requests: Ask for specific remedies, if appropriate, and tell the person what you request for the future. For example: “I’d like us to agree on specific times for “lights out” in our room.”

Dealing with the Anger of Others

1.Try to figure out what the person might be afraid of.

2.Ask for more information instead of shutting the other person off. Say, “Tell me more about that,” or, “I didn’t know you thought that. Tell me how you came to think that.” Then listen actively!

3. Never say, "You shouldn't be angry." Feelings are facts, too.

4. Ask if the other person will listen to you, too.

5. Ask what the other person needs or wants.

6. Ask for suggestions for solving the problem together.

7. Give ideas yourself.8. Work toward common goals–things you

both can agree on.9. Say over and over that you expect that

you will be able to work this out together.

10. End with, “I want to keep this from happening again. What can be done to learn from today?”

Exercises:

1)Expressing & recognizing emotion 2)Anger management coaching – “after the party”