Starting the Conversations

End of Life ForumFebruary 6, 2014

Sister Costanza Romano

St. Joseph’s Health Centre of Sudbury

THE EMOTIONAL/ SPIRITUAL/FAMILIA

L ASPECTS

How to start the conversation

•Good question

• It is different for every person, situation, circumstances, etc.

•What’s important is to start•Be open and honest•Be transparent•Share with spouses, children, siblings

“How lucky I am

to have somethin

g that makes saying

goodbye so hard.”

Realities•We are all dying•Avoid strife, arguments•Less of a burden•Fulfill wishes•Rituals/Funerals for the living•Help on the grief journey•“They should know” is not accurate•Values and beliefs will influence wishes•Death is not based on age

Speaking of death and dying is a very difficult subject but a subject nonetheless which needs to be broached

Be prepared for a variety of emotions when this happens

We do not have to wait until we know someone is dying to have these discussions

How can someone know your wishes if you don’t tell them

Superstitions

• If I write a will I will die

• If I think about my or someone else’s dying, I or they will die

• I’m tempting fate

• If I don’t talk about it, it will go away

•One size fits all

STARTING THE CONVERSATION•Start from a place of love•Start from a place of concern•Start from a place of peace

•Make a list of the items to discuss

•COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION

Emotions – Let’s look at our realities

•Anticipatory Grief•Family Dynamics•Burden•Peace•Creating memories•Grief/Loss•Displaying and expressing love•Questioning faith

All the emotions are healthy

Pain AngerJoy LaughterAnxiety GriefLove Concern

Roller Coaster ride

WHAT WILL I FEEL

GRIEF• Do not internalize grief – leads to more pain

• Ministry of Presence• Share memories – speak about the person

• We never get over grief it changes but does not end

• Difference between grief and mourning

Grief is the feelings Mourning is the display of that grief

5 STAGES OF GRIEFDenial – no, not me!Anger – why me?Bargaining – yes m, but…Depression – yes meAcceptance – I’m ready, it’s ok

Do not happen in exact orderCan go back and forth between the emotionsMay never reach all the levelsMost important thing to remember is that each of us grieves differently - no set time frame

no set way to express our grief do not judge others

There is no right way – only my own way

Things to Remember

1. Do not downplay the importance of the spiritual/philosophical aspects of a person’s belief systems

2. Constant communication - keep people informed

3. Update as often as necessary

4. Remember this is about the wishes of the person who is making these plans

5. Grief is a very individual journey

6. Know your roles and limits

7. Promote family – resolve family conflict

8. Be realistic about resources

9. Remember self-care

10.Counselling and support groups are there to help

11.Listen, Listen, Listen

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.

Love leaves a memory no one

can steal.