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AUGUST 27, 2004 SPECIAL PWP KENTUCKY EDITION

eh tu E r n i e ?Italy declares war on K e n t u c k y

Kentucky Gov’s plane damages historic landmark, Ernie: “I don’t know what the fuss is about an old silo.”

complete story inside (page P-51)

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E N Q U I R E RE X C L U S I V E

KY Gov’s past brushes with history revealed for the first time.The Enquirer uncovers the real story behind a disturbing series of international incidents.

BREAKING NEWS STORYcomplete story & pictures inside

• Elvis sighted piloting UFO!• Big Foot makes rare appearance at Cannes!• Two headed baby eats Dingo!

A M E L I AF O U N DA TL A S T

“I was NEVER lost, Ky Gov. stole my plane”

Earhart claims:

EXCLUSIVE PICS

spent last 67 years in Kelat

NEW FEATURE

photo courtesy Pressbox Productions ® 2004

Enquiring Minds Want To Know

ENQUIRERTHE NATIONAL





KY GOV. SURVEYS MYSTERIOUS

QUAKE DAMAGEphoto courtesy Pressbox Productions ® 2004

photos courtesy Pressbox Productions Tatooine Division ® 2604

AFTER

EMPEROR PUTS BOUNTY ON KY GOV’S HEAD....... BOBA FETT IN PURSUIT

INTERGALACTIC INCIDENT CAUSES DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE

On a goodwill visit to Frankfort’s Sister City of Mos Eisley on Tatooine, Ky. Governor Ernie Fletcher accidentally destroyed the Federation’s newest weapon, the Death Star.

According to sources within the local Jawa population, the Governor was copiloting a TIE Fighter when curiosity got the better of him & he launched a thermal detonator that some how avoided the Death Star’s deflector shields. The Death Star was a total loss. (see inset) Said the Governor, “I just wanted to see what this sucker could do.”See JEDI YOU ARE NOT, C-3-PO

Massive 15.0 Quake Strikes Within Minutes of Ky Gov Visit. Seismologists Puzzled. See SHAKEN NOT STIRRED, 12, 16, 22, 34 & 63

SINGLE ICEBERG THEORY SCUTTLED!What Really Sank The Titanic.....





SHOCKING, STARTLING SECRETSONLY THE ENQUIRER DARES TO

PRINT !

NEWLY DISCOVERED EVIDENCE POINTS TO RUN IN WITH KY GOVERNOR Forget what you’ve read in the

history books, seen at the movies or heard from actual survivors about the sinking of the Titanic. The Enquirer reporters have recently discovered the TRUE STORY behind this historic event some 70 plus years ago.

Contrary to the historical record, all signs now point to Ky Gov. Ernie Fletcher & his official watercraft Pontoon One. Unnamed sources inside the Fletcher administration have revealed exclusively to the Enquirer that the Governor’s long rumoured ties to the organized ice cartel cast serious doubts on the scenario of a magic iceberg.See BRASS MONKEY, T-3942

COMING NEXT WEEKAREA 51 HOSTS GALA OPEN HOUSE

SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON

KY Gov. causes

massive 2003 ice storm &

power o u t a g e





Ernie Claims: I just forgot to close my freezer door. So sue me!

EXCLUSIVE EXTREME MAKOVER PICS(he looks the same to us)

45 MILLION DOLLAR BRIDGE REDUCED TO SCRAP!

The ribbon cutting ceremony for the recently completed span over Sunrise Creek turned tragic yesterday with Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher presiding. As the ribbon was cut , using the always funny giant scissors, a faint noise was heard. Bystanders report it seemed to start on the far shore then gradually got louder. Enquirer photographers captured the bridge as it self destructed.See BRIDGE ANYONE, Q-745

RIBBON CUTTING CEREMONY GOES HORRIBLY WRONG


KY GOVIGNITES INFERNO


PRIDE OF GERMAN DIRIGIBLE FLEET LOST!

Ky Governor Ernie Fletcher, on hand to witness the first transatlantic crossing of the latest in luxurious air travel, inadvertently blew the ship up when he lit up a congratulatory cigarette. Said Fletcher, “How was I supposed to know the dang thing was filled with highly explosive flammable gas? I mean, it’s not like we were in a Lexington restaurant or something. Anybody ever think of putting up a no smoking sign”?See AIRSICK AIRSHIP, Z-146




WASHINGTON STATE HIKING TRIP GOES SOUTH FOR GOV!

Governor’s back to nature adventure spoiled by Mother Nature herself. In an attempt to get away from his recent rash of unfortunate “incidents”, Ky. Governor Ernie Fletcher was planning to spend a leisurely week hiking & camping in the back woods of Washington state. The problem is there are now no back woods or front woods for that matter. The Enquirer has learned that the Governor accidentally set into motion the massive eruption of Mt. St. Helens when he drove a tent stake directly into a fault line. Vibrations from pounding the stake awoke the sleeping monster.See BIG BANG, Q-745

SECRET VACATION PICS

ENQUIRER EXCLUSIVE





LAVA FLOW D E S T R O Y S

T O W N


KY GOV TICKS OFF VOLCANO GODS!

Vacationing Ky. Governor Ernie Fletcher awoke the sleeping monster when he tossed an empty Ale 8 One bottle into an open lava flue. Immediately the volcano, previously dormant for 10,000 years, roared to life spewing 3,000 degree magma thousands of feet into the azure blue Hawaiian skies.See HOT ENOUGH FOR YA, P-14

Coming next week......Watch for these developing stories.• Grassy knoll pictures revealed!• Typhoid Mary? No, how about Typhoid Ernie!• Who shot JR? Kristen? We think not!

HIGH GAS PRICES BLAMED ON KY GOV

WRECK CAUSES CITYWIDE GASOLINE SHORTAGE!

The driver of this gasoline tanker truck swerved to miss the double parked motorcade of Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher & nearly went over the edge of the newly completed Sunrise Creek Bridge. The Governor’s motorcade had stopped on the bridge while Governor Fletcher officiated at the ribbon cutting ceremony (see related bridge story on page W-2915)

As a result of the accident, gas prices at all Lexington pumps shot up to a near record $3.74 a gallon. Oil industry analysts forecast prices to return to normal in about 6 to 7 years barring any further drops in supply. When asked to explain why gas prices had skyrocketed even though no gasoline was lost or even spilled during the accident, oil industry officials stated “Hey, we’re the freaking oil companies. We’ll charge whatever we damn well please & you’ll pay it. We don’t care, we don’t have to, we’re the oil company.”See BEN DOVER, E-3.99 9/10photo courtesy Pressbox Productions ® 2004





BOTTLE ROCKET TORCHES CASTLE!

The Enquirer has learned from unnamed sources that upon further forensic tests, the cause of the recent Castle fire was NOT arson as originally reported by the mainstream media. Our editors have obtained exclusive proof that the fire was started by an errant illegal bottle rocket launched from the backyard of the Governor’s mansion in Frankfort.See JELLICO TENNESSEE, M-80

CASTLE B L A Z E

BLAME SET

TRIP TO DQ COSTS STATE BILLIONS What started as a trip to Dairy Queen for a

Crunch Cone for Kentucky first lady Glenna Fletcher turned tragic Saturday. Residents immediately downhill from the Governors mansion were forced to flee their homes minutes ahead of rapidly advancing flood waters despite weeks of record drought conditions.

Enquirer reporters have uncovered the real story behind the mysterious flooding. Ky Governor Ernie Fletcher had just turned on the mansion’s extensive sprinkler system when wife Glenna had a Crunch Cone craving. When questioned by Enquirer reporters, the Governor’s spokesman Danny Quigley said, “We used to have a gardener to take care of the lawn but with no state budget we’ve had to made staff cutbacks.”See SOFT SERVE, Q-745

LAWN SPRINKLERS CAUSE100 YEAR FLOODING





DEATH KNELL FOR

B E L LBELL TOLLS FOR ERNIE

National Park Ranger Cary Backpack points out the large crack in the Liberty Bell. The newly formed crack was created when Ky Gov. Ernie Fletcher whacked the bell with a ball-pene hammer. Said Fletcher, “It seemed like the thing to do at the time.”See BEAT IT, I-1776photo courtesy Pressbox Productions ® 2004

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