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ENTOURAGE

"The Big Cheese"

Written by

Alan Dybner

FADE IN:

EXT. PIZZERIA MOZZA - EVENING - ESTABLISHING SHOT

INT. PIZZERIA MOZZA - EVENING

VINCE, ERIC, TURTLE, and DRAMA are seated at a table at this super crowded restaurant.

TURTLEDrama, that is the dumbest thing you’ve ever said and that’s saying a lot.

DRAMAMake fun if you will, but it’s true. I’ve tested it. Every guy looks good to girls of a certain height. Like for me, if a girl is 5’4” I’m in.

ERICI’m with Turtle, that’s really dumb.

DRAMAYou’re only saying that because for you, the perfect height for a girl is 4’5”. If she wears heels.

ERICSloan was my height.

DRAMAWhich is exactly why it never worked out.

VINCEI don’t know, Johnny, I’ve done well with girls of all different heights.

DRAMAThat’s because you’re 5’10” and a quarter. That’s the sweet spot. Every guy that tall does well. Hence, when I was your height the summer before ninth grade, I scored like crazy.

TURTLEIt doesn’t count as scoring if you’re alone in your room, Drama.

A PRETTY WAITRESS approaches, checking out Vince as she serves them pizza.

ENTOURAGE "The Big Cheese" 1.

(CONTINUED)

WAITRESSHere you go. Remember it’s hot.

TURTLE(re: waitress)

Damn hot.

VINCE(to the waitress)

Thank you.

WAITRESSYou are very welcome.

She gives Vince a flirty smile and walks off.

DRAMASee, Vince’s height worked for him again.

ERICHe’s sitting down.

DRAMAShe could tell.

TURTLE(mouth full)

This foofy California pizza will never be as good as New York, but this is some pretty good shit.

DRAMAI could do better.

ERICHere we go.

DRAMAWhat? I could. Couldn’t I, bro?

VINCEYou know I love your cooking, Johnny.

DRAMAThank you.

CASEY AFFLECK walks over with his DATE.

CASEYHey, it’s Vince and the gang. Didn’t see you boys over here.

ENTOURAGE "The Big Cheese" 2. CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

VINCECasey, it’s been forever. How’ve you been? I think the last time I saw you, you were just finishing up shooting “Oceans 13”.

CASEYOh man, that was a blast.

DRAMAYou know if you’re looking for a fourteenth guy for the next sequel...

CASEYI’m pretty sure that was the last one, but the next time I see Soderbergh I’ll definitely put in a good word.

DRAMAReally?

CASEY(laughs)

No. We should all get together soon. I’m off to New York to watch my brother host “SNL”, but when I get back let’s hang.

VINCESounds good.

Casey walks off with his date.

DRAMACan you believe that guy? What a jerk.

TURTLEWhat I can’t believe is Ben Affleck is hosting “Saturday Night Live” for, like, the hundredth time and they’ve still never asked Vince to do it.

VINCEIt would be fun.

DRAMADefinitely, bro. You know, there was buzz about me hosting after my two-parter on “Who’s the Boss”. But Danza got jealous and put the ol’ kibosh.

ENTOURAGE "The Big Cheese" 3. CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

VINCEHow about it, E? Let’s call Ari and get him on it.

ERIC(hesitant)

You really want to do TV, Vince? I mean, I thought you were a movie star.

VINCEIt’s “Saturday Night Live”. You host that show, it means you’ve made it. Call Ari.

ERICI’ll call him after dinner.

VINCECall him now, E.

ERIC Okay, okay.

Eric takes out his cellphone.

CUT TO:

INT. ARI’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

ARI is at his desk, reading a script. LLOYD pops his head in.

LLOYDEric Murphy is calling about Vince.

ARIPut him through.

LLOYDAlso, a reminder. Tomorrow night is your daughter’s event at her school.

ARIOh, right, the “Living Gallery” bullshit. What time is that at again?

LLOYD6:30. And remember she’s going as Golda Meir.

ARII know who my daughter is going as, Lloyd.


(CONTINUED)

LLOYDWell, do you know about Golda Meir? So you can help Sarah prepare to play the part.

ARII know Ingrid Bergman played her in a 1982 TV movie. And that I got to second base with Jenny Keimowitz while they made us watch it in Hebrew school.

LLOYDMy mistake. You clearly know your history.

ARIJust put E through, Lloyd.

Lloyd exits. A second later Ari’s phone BEEPS. He picks up.

ARI (CONT’D)Hey, E, how you liking the table I got you at the hottest restaurant in town? Being around all that pizza bring back memories of your Sbarro days?

INTERCUT WITH:

ERICActually, we didn’t use your reservation, Ari. I just called and told them Vince wanted a table. But, we could use your help for something. Vince wants to host “Saturday Night Live”.

ARISay no more, I’m on it. So, has Vince read “Immigrant Song” yet?

ERICYeah, it’s a good script. He liked it.

ARIGreat, because Paramount likes Vince. They were a little nervous about him after he dropped out of the “Aquaman” sequel, but if he’s passionate enough about the script, I think he could get it.

Lloyd pops back in.


(CONTINUED)

LLOYDAri, your wife is on the phone. She needs you to stop by the dry cleaners and pick up Sarah’s outfit for tomorrow.

ARIShe couldn’t take a ten minute break from her “yogalates” to go get it?

LLOYDDo you want me to ask her that?

ARI(defeated)

No, I’ll take the call.(into phone)

I gotta go, E. Can’t talk to the pizza boy all day, I got big shots to talk to. It’s how I roll, baby.

ERICOf course, Ari. Tell the missus I say hi.

CUT TO:

EXT. ENTOURAGE HOUSE - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT

INT. ENTOURAGE HOUSE - DAY

Johnny makes breakfast as Vince, in his robe, sits at the table. Eric enters, approaches Vince.

ERICWhere’s Turtle? He’s supposed to drive you to your “Access Hollywood” interview.

VINCEWhy do I even have to do this interview? I don’t care if the “Aquaman” DVDs sell or not.

ERICWell, you should, you get a piece of it. Plus, it was in your contract that you’d do publicity for the DVD release. But Shauna says they’re not gonna ask you about “Aquaman”. You can talk about other things.

(looks at watch)Where the hell is he?


(CONTINUED)

VINCEHe’ll turn up, E, stop worrying.

DRAMAYeah, he knows I’m making my famous French waffles. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.

VINCEYou know what? I’m just gonna cab it. There’s a certain lady over there who I’m hoping will give me a ride back home.

DRAMAGood plan, bro. And may I also recommend that when you get her back here, you guys watch the director’s cut of “Cinema Paradiso”, that I so thoughtfully purchased. You tear up a little at the end, any girl will melt.

Turtle enters.

ERICWhere have you been all morning, Turtle? We usually can’t get you out of bed before noon.

TURTLEI had an emergency.

ERICWhat? You ran out of weed.

TURTLEExactly. I had to make a quick run.

He pulls out a big bag of weed, tosses it on the table.

TURTLE (CONT’D)That is some top of the line shit. And, Drama, I picked up something for you, too.

He pulls out a flyer and hands it to Drama.

DRAMA(reading)

“The 4th annual Grilled Cheese Invitational.”

(then)It says it’s tonight. What is this, Turtle?


(CONTINUED)

TURTLEMy hookup gave me the flyer. A bunch of his Burning Man buddies organize this big event every year. It’s a competition to see who can make the best grilled cheese sandwich. It’s kind of a goof, but I figure with you always telling us how good your cooking is, this is a chance for you to finally put up or shut up.

ERICI for one vote shut up.

DRAMAYeah, I don’t know about this. I mean, what do these hippies know about fine gourmet cooking?

TURTLEThey know about the munchies. And a good grilled cheese is great for munchies.

ERICSounds to me like you’re afraid to enter.

DRAMAWhat? Of course not. If I wanted I could easily get first place.

VINCEI think you should do it, Johnny. Show them what Grandma Chase taught you.

DRAMAYou know, you’re right, Vince. I should enter. I’ll wipe the floor with those burnouts.

VINCEI’m gonna go change, but E, have you heard back from Ari about “SNL”?

ERICNot yet. But are you really sure you want to do it? I mean, it’s a lot of work. A whole week of rehearsals, late nights...


(CONTINUED)

VINCEYes, I’m sure. We grew up watching that show, and now I might get to host it? How amazing is that?

ERIC(half-hearted)

Yeah, it’s pretty amazing.

VINCEI’m glad you agree. And after you call Ari can you call me that cab? Turtle, you don’t have to take me. Just enjoy your new stash.

TURTLEThanks, Vince!

Vince takes off. Once he’s gone:

TURTLE (CONT’D)What was that, E?

ERICWhat was what?

TURTLEHow come you don’t want Vince to host the show?

ERICI didn’t say that.

DRAMAMaybe not in so many words, but as a lifelong student of the human condition, I too sensed your hesitation.

(beat)You were hesitating, right?

ERICFine. You guys are right. I don’t want Vince to do it.

TURTLEWhy not? He’ll be great.

ERICNo, he won’t Turtle. Look, you know I love Vince, and I think he’s an incredible actor. But he’s an incredible dramatic actor. He’s not good at comedy.


(CONTINUED)

TURTLEWho gives a shit if he doesn’t kill. At the end of the night, he’ll still have hosted “Saturday Night Live”.

ERICYeah, and that’d make most people happy, but Vince isn’t like most people. The guy’s succeeded at just about everything he’s tried in life. So when he’s not the best at something he gets in a huge funk that can last weeks. Remember the charity bowling thing last year?

Drama and Turtle both cringe.

ERIC (CONT’D)Exactly. And he came in second. I don’t want to put him through that again. Or put us through that again. So I need you to help me convince him not to do it.

DRAMAI’d help you, E, but I’m gonna be too busy perfecting my grilled cheese.

TURTLEYeah, I would too, but somebody’s gotta coach Drama.

(scooping up the bag of weed)And if that means making sure I have the munchies over and over again so I can get in the head space of those Burning Man kids, well, that’s just the kind of friend I am.

DRAMAThanks, man.

ERICAssholes.

CUT TO:

EXT. ENTOURAGE HOUSE - POOL DECK - DAY

Eric sits by the pool reading a script. A huge stack of scripts are piled on the stand next to him. His cell rings and he picks it up.

ERICHey, Ari.


(CONTINUED)

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DRY CLEANERS - CONTINUOUS

Ari is waiting IN LINE to pick up clothes.

ARISo the “Saturday Night Live” people called me back. Afraid I’ve got bad news.

ERICWhat’d they say?

ARILorne hates Vince.

ERICLorne Michaels?

ARINo, Lorne Greene hates Vince. And he doesn’t want him coming around the fucking Ponderosa. Jesus Christ, E, can you pretend for one day that you know what you’re doing? Lorne told his staff that Vince is never gonna host the show.

ERICWhy not?

ARINo one knows, but tell Vince if he’s got his heart set on doing a show in New York we can get him on “The View”, no problem. He’d have to sit with those yentas for an hour, but I bet he could bang that hot Christian chick.

ERICYou’re all class, Ari. But Vince not getting to host isn’t a big deal. Don’t worry about it.

Ari’s finally at the front of the customer line.

ARIOne sec.

Ari puts down the phone, passes his receipt to the Asian-American CLERK.


(CONTINUED)

ARI (CONT’D)(to Clerk)

You really couldn’t let my assistant pick this up yesterday? He’s Chinese, I thought if you’d trust anyone...

CLERKI’m Korean.

ARIWell, either way, he’s a lot more Asian than I am. Hell, you should see him drive.

(then)I’m sorry. It’s been a long day.

As Ari hands over cash and takes the outfit.

CLERKI couldn’t give him the outfit because your wife insisted we only give it to you. Said something about it being the only way to get you out of the office before sunset.

ARIOf course. Thank you.

He talks back into the phone as he exits.

ARI (CONT’D)So, E, make sure you remind Vince that Lorne is the guy who was happy to keep Jimmy Fallon on his show for eight seasons. Jimmy Fallon who couldn’t make it through one fucking sketch without laughing.

ERICJimmy Fallon wouldn’t sign with you, huh?

ARII didn’t want him to.

ERICRight. Look, seriously, Ari, this is no biggee.

ARIWell, I’m glad you’re okay with it, but let’s make sure our boy is okay with it.


(CONTINUED)

ERICIt was just a whim. I’m sure Vince has already forgotten about it.

CUT TO:

INT. ACCESS HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY

Host BILLY BUSH is in the middle of an interview with Vince.

BILLYSo, Vince, what’s in store for you next? Or should I say, in what project will Aquaman be “submerged” in next?

VINCEWow. That’s a good one, Billy. But as you know I’m done playing Aquaman, so I’m looking at a lot of different options. Although the thing I’m jonesing for most at the moment is actually a TV show.

BILLYWell, you’re already on “Access Hollywood”, what more could you want?

VINCEI’ll share a secret with you, Billy. I really want to host “Saturday Night Live”.

BILLYAnd when you host it, it’ll be, “live from Atlantis.”

Vince gives him a fake smile, then looks at the studio camera and rolls his eyes.

CUT TO:

INT. ENTOURAGE HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Drama is cooking up grilled cheese. Turtle enters with some printed pages.

TURTLEOkay, I got the official competition rules from the website.

DRAMAThese stupid stoners have a website?


(CONTINUED)

TURTLEHey, just because they smoke up and like having orgies in the desert, that doesn’t make ‘em dumb. Hell, that makes them geniuses. Anyhow, it says here that you can use any kind of cheese or bread you want, but no flavored butter or oil.

DRAMAWhat about mayo? That’s the Chase family’s secret ingredient.

TURTLEWell, then there’s no way you’re coming in first place, ‘cause you can’t use it.

DRAMAThat blows. But, hey, you know what? I don’t need it. As my nana said, “It’s not the ingredients that make the cook, it’s the cook that makes the ingredients.”

TURTLEWhat does that mean?

DRAMANo idea. She was kinda senile by that point, so she kept repeating it over and over. I had to nod like I hadn’t heard it before so she’d keep baking me cupcakes.

Drama turns to flip the grilled cheese.

TURTLEKinda like I have to keep listening to your bullshit, so you’ll keep making me grilled cheese.

DRAMA(turning back)

What was that?

TURTLEI didn’t say nothin’.

CUT TO:


EXT. ENTOURAGE HOUSE - POOL DECK - EVENING

The sun is setting. Eric stacks up his scripts, his reading done for the day. His phone rings again. He answers it.

ERICHello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SHAUNA’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

A pissed-off SHAUNA talks on the phone.

SHAUNAWhy the hell didn’t you tell me Vince wanted to host “Saturday Night Live”?

ERICShauna? How’d you hear that?

SHAUNAMy assistant told me Vince said it during his interview today. That’s not how I should be finding out what my client wants, Eric. You’re supposed to tell me these things.

ERICLook, I apologize, I didn’t realize he had talked about it. All he told me was that the interview went fine and he was hanging around the studio because he heard Maria Menounos has a crush on him. But don’t worry about the “SNL” thing. Lorne doesn’t want him doing the show, so it’s not an issue.

SHAUNAWhat? Are you kidding me, that’s even worse. Isn’t Vince is up for a big project at Paramount?

ERICYeah, “Immigrant Song”. It’s a good role for him. We hope he gets it.


(CONTINUED)

SHAUNAWell, how the fuck do you think it’s going to look to the execs at Paramount when word gets out that Lorne Michaels, who has been set up at Paramount forever, doesn’t think Vince is good enough to do his shitty little TV show? You think that’s gonna inspire them to give Vince the lead in their eighty-million dollar movie?

We follow a now anxious Eric as he makes his way inside.

ERICLook, I didn’t know Vince was going to announce to the whole world that he wanted to do the show.

SHAUNAThat’s why you share these things with me, Eric. To make sure crap like this doesn’t happen. I’m going to do what I can, but you better fix your fuckup.

She hangs up. Eric is now in the kitchen, where Drama is cooking up more grilled cheese sandwiches in front of Turtle.

ERIC(putting away his cell)

Dammit, this sucks.

DRAMAYou haven’t even tried ‘em yet!

Turtle grabs a sandwich, tastes it.

TURTLEWell, I have, Drama. And if I were you I wouldn’t worry about not coming in first tonight, I’d worry about not coming in last.

On Drama’s crestfallen look, we:

CUT TO:

EXT. HARVARD-WESTLAKE SCHOOL - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING SHOT

A parade of SUV’s, Mercedes, and BMW’s are lined up in front of the entrance, looking for parking.


INT. HARVARD-WESTLAKE SCHOOL - ENTRANCE - NIGHT

Throngs of ostentatiously dressed PARENTS make their way in. A banner reads “WELCOME TO THE LIVING GALLERY”. Ari talks into his cell as his wife, MRS. ARI, waits for him with growing impatience.

ARI(into cell)

How many times do I have to tell you, E, learn to control your client. We could lose “Immigrant Song” because of this bullshit.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. ENTOURAGE HOUSE - HALLWAY/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Eric talks into his cell as he walks down a hallway towards the living room.

ERICWhat do you want me to do, Ari? Vince said what was on his mind.

ARIWhat I want you to do is leave this to the grown-ups, E. For now, I just want you to make sure Vince doesn’t go around talking about his hard on for “SNL”. Keep him busy.

Eric is now in the living room. He looks OFF-SCREEN.

ERICI don’t think that’s gonna be a problem.

We WIDEN to REVEAL Vince on the couch, watching “Cinema Paradiso” as he canoodles with “Access Hollywood” co-host MARIA MENOUNOS.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. HARVARD-WESTLAKE SCHOOL - ENTRANCE - NIGHT

Ari hangs up his phone. Turns to Mrs. Ari.

ARII’m coming, I’m coming.

As they walk down the hall and follow the other parents into one of the classrooms:


(CONTINUED)

MRS. ARIDon’t do anything to embarrass me. You know I’m running for president of the PTA next fall.

ARIAnd I thought tonight was about Sarah.

She shoots him a look.

ARI (CONT’D)Sorry, babe.

CUT TO:

INT. ENTOURAGE HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Drama continues to work on his grilled cheese as Eric paces and Turtle sits.

TURTLESo, wait, I’m confused, E. Now you do want Vince to host the show?

ERIC No, not really, but it’s a lose-lose. Yes, if he sucks on “SNL” he’ll be miserable, but at least he’ll still get to star in a big movie.

TURTLE This is all getting too complicated for me.

DRAMAWell ease your troubles away, my friend, with the ultimate comfort food.

Drama puts some sandwiches on a plate.

DRAMA (CONT’D)I think you fellas will like this new batch.

TURTLEOkay, but then you gotta stop playing with the recipe, and we gotta get over there. It’s starting soon and I want to get there early so I can pick out a hot hippie chick.


(CONTINUED)

ERICJust ‘cause these girls are kinda liberal and smoke pot you think they’re just gonna put out?

TURTLEWorked back at Lilith fair.

Eric and Turtle try some of the grilled cheese.

TURTLE (CONT’D)This ain’t bad, Drama.

ERICActually, it’s really good.

DRAMAI told you. I am a master chef.

TURTLEYou used mayo, didn’t you?

DRAMAJust a little.

Turtle shakes his head.

CUT TO:

INT. HARVARD-WESTLAKE SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - NIGHT

Ari and his wife walk into a crowded classroom, where a dozen SEVENTH GRADERS stand a few feet apart from one another, dressed as various HISTORICAL FIGURES (Ben Franklin, Gandhi, Marie Curie, etc.) as PARENTS watch them.

ARIWhere’s Sarah?

MRS. ARIShe must be in one of the other rooms.

ARIWell, then let’s go there.

MRS. ARIDon’t be rude, Ari. We need to see all the kids.

ARIWhy?

(then spotting someone)No, you’re right, honey. We should be polite.


(CONTINUED)

MRS. ARI(suspicious)

Thank you.

Ari makes a beeline for the small crowd watching a GIRL dressed in a long blonde wing, a Wings T-shirt, holding a classic Nikon camera in her hand. A sign above her reads “LINDA McCARTNEY”. Among the adults watching her are KEVIN NEALON. The girl is reciting Linda McCartney’s autobiography.

GIRL...and in the mid-1970s I introduced Paul to vegetarianism and later started a line of frozen vegetarian meals.

ARI(whispers to Kevin Nealon)

That makes her a historical figure? What, her amazing tambourine playing wasn’t enough?

KEVIN NEALONUm, that’s my niece talking.

ARIOh.

KEVIN NEALONAnd I’m the one who got her excited about being a vegetarian.

ARIRight. I was only making a joke. She’s great. Listen, Kev, I--

KEVIN NEALONDo I know you?

ARIAri Gold, I’m a big fan. Love you on “Weeds”, it’s a great part for you. And thought you were phenomenal on “Saturday Night Live”. That caveman lawyer was hilarious.

KEVIN NEALONThat was Phil Hartman.


(CONTINUED)

ARIYou would’ve done it much better. So anyway, a client of mine, Vinnie Chase -- you may remember he had the biggest opening in history -- is really interested in hosting “SNL” and I was wondering if you could put in a good word with Lorne for him. Maybe I could get your niece some auditions, as a little quid pro quo. I can tell she’s a big talent.

KEVIN NEALONLook, I didn’t come here to talk shop, I came to see Ashley. But you know, Lorne’s actually in town tonight checking out a guy at the Groundlings. So if you want to talk to him maybe you should go over there. Right now. I know I’d like that.

ARIThanks for the tip.

Ari turns to go.

MRS. ARIDon’t you dare.

ARIBabe, this is important.

MRS. ARI(staring daggers)

Ari.

ARIFine, I’ll stay but I’m making a call.

MRS. ARIIn the hallway. And be back in less than a minute.

He nods, rushes out.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Eric drives Vince.


(CONTINUED)

VINCEI still can’t believe you pulled me out of there before we got to the end of the movie. Especially after Maria gave me a ride home. That’s just bad form, E.

ERICYeah, well this is more important. Ari says Lorne is at the Groundlings show tonight, so we have to be there, too.

VINCEWhy can’t Ari go and let him know I want to do the show?

ERIC‘Cause for some reason Lorne is reluctant about you hosting. But if you show interest in person, Ari figures you can charm him.

VINCEI am pretty charming.

ERICLet’s hope so.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Turtle and Drama, carrying a grocery bag, are at the Grilled Cheese Invitational. There’s a lot of YOUNG PEOPLE walking around, drinking beers, eating grilled cheese. Some wear elaborate costumes (Star Wars, Dr. Seuss, and Wizard of Oz characters dominate.) Long tables are set up with burners and frying pans on top. Drama and Turtle make their way to a table with a sign above it that reads “CHEF CHECK-IN”. There’s a CUTE GIRL, mid-20s, working the check-in desk.

CHECK-IN GIRLName?

DRAMAMine’s Johnny Chase and yours must be “Beautiful.”

TURTLE(rolls his eyes)

Real smooth, Drama.


(CONTINUED)

The Check-in Girl looks for his name on her clipboard. She checks him off and grabs a frying pan from a stack.

CHECK-IN GIRLHere’s your pan. Use cooking station fourteen.

DRAMAFourteen? Nice. That’s my lucky number. My fourteenth audition was the first commercial I booked.

(off her lack of response)I’m an actor.

TURTLEYeah, he acts like a jackass.

Drama punches Turtle in the arm. The Check-in Girl is about to hand over the pan, then stops.

CHECK-IN GIRLOh, one second. Mike!

A big burly guy, MIKE, approaches.

CHECK-IN GIRL (CONT’D)Pat him down.

DRAMAWhat? Why?

CHECK-IN GIRLWe do this to everyone. Even though we check bags at the entrance, some assholes still try to sneak in banned ingredients.

DRAMASomeone would do that? How rude.

Mike starts to pat him down.

MIKEEmpty your pockets.

DRAMADo I have to?

Mike nods. Drama sheepishly takes out some PLASTIC PACKETS OF MAYONNAISE from his pockets. Mike takes them, as Turtle shakes his head.

DRAMA (CONT’D)I have no idea how those got there.


(CONTINUED)

CHECK IN GIRL(sarcastic)

Gosh, you’re such a great actor, I believe you.

(handing him a frying pan)Good luck. You’re gonna need it.

CUT TO:

EXT. GROUNDLINGS THEATER - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING SHOT

INT. GROUNDLINGS THEATER - ENTRANCE LOBBY - NIGHT

Vince and Eric enter, to see a crowd of people in the lobby. Eric spots LORNE MICHAELS talking to TWO YOUNG GUYS.

ERICOkay, there he is. Do your thing, Vince.

VINCEWish me luck.

Vince walks over to Lorne.

LORNE...so then Mick tells Danny and John--

VINCE Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Michaels, but I just wanted to say what a huge fan I am.

YOUNG GUY #1Holy crap it’s Vincent Chase!

YOUNG GUY #2Aquaman!

Vince smiles. Lorne looks at Vince, annoyed, then turns back to the Young Guys, his back to Vince.

LORNE--He tells Danny and John that they should play on the next Stones album. Which of course, never happens because Keith was soon back in rehab and they didn’t start recording for over a year, but I’ll never forget the look on their faces. It was priceless.

Vince stands there. The Young Guys look at Vince and then at Lorne. It’s awkward. Then:


(CONTINUED)

YOUNG GUY #1Great story, Lorne.

YOUNG GUY #2Yeah, that’s awesome.

A pissed off Vince walks back to Eric.

VINCEScrew this, I’m done. I don’t want to be anywhere I’m not wanted.

ERICI’m sorry, Vince. The guy’s a jerk. Let’s just hope this doesn’t screw up your chances of getting “Immigrant Song.”

VINCEWhy would it?

ERICWell, it’s a whole thing but the movie’s for Paramount and Lorne’s set up there... Apparently, it could be an issue.

VINCEAri will figure something out. And if not, fuck it. There’ll be other movies.

ERICI suppose. And, hey, maybe in the end you dodged a bullet.

VINCE What do you mean?

ERICOh. Nothing. Forget it.

VINCENo, not nothing. What do you mean I dodged a bullet, E?

ERICIt’s just that, you know, comedy isn’t exactly your strong suit. So maybe it’s not so bad you didn’t get to host the show.

A beat as Vince just stares at him.


(CONTINUED)

VINCE Jesus, E, I don’t believe you.

Vince shakes his head as he takes off out the door. Eric watches him go, sighs.

CUT TO:


A nervous Drama is grilling away at his cooking station. Turtle walks over with a grilled cheese.

TURTLEJust checking out the competition for you, Drama.

DRAMAAnd...?

TURTLEAnd you’re screwed.

THREE STONERS make their way over to the cooking station.

STONER #1Hey, it’s Viking Quest!

DRAMAActually my character’s name was Torvald, but I appreciate your fine taste in televised entertainment.

STONER #1Can we try your grilled cheese, Viking Quest?

DRAMAAgain, Torvald. And actually, fellas, I’m kinda waiting for the judges to come around.

STONER #2Viking Quest, we are the judges.

TURTLEReally?

STONER #2Everyone here’s a judge. After you eat a sandwich you give it a score on one of these entry forms and then give it to the guys counting in the back.


(CONTINUED)

DRAMAIn that case, fellas, enjoy some gourmet dining.

He serves them sandwiches. They dig in.

STONER #3Yo, Viking Quest, I think you should stick to acting.

(beat)Oh wait, you suck at that too!

They laugh and walk off.

DRAMAThe name was Torvald, assholes!

Drama slams his spatula down.

TURTLEWant me to go teach them to show some respect?

DRAMANah, forget it, Turtle. Maybe they’re right. Maybe we should just go home.

TURTLEWhat? Fuck that. You’re Johnny Drama. You’re not gonna let some trust-fund burnouts get away with telling you you’re no good. I can do it, ‘cause I’m your friend, but those a-holes, they’re going down.

DRAMAThanks, Turtle. What are you gonna do?

TURTLEI’m not gonna do anything. You’re gonna focus and make some kiss-ass grilled cheese. None of this uneven texture, cold middle, burnt crust shit. You got it?

DRAMAGot it!

TURTLEGood. Now I’m gonna work the crowd, and get some word of mouth going. Soon people are gonna be fighting to eat your grilled cheese.


(CONTINUED)

DRAMAYeah!

Turtle smiles, walks off.

CUT TO:

EXT. MELROSE AVENUE - NIGHT

A pissed-off Vince walks quickly down the street. Eric runs behind him until he catches up.

ERICVince, don’t be like this.

VINCEDon’t be like what, E?

ERICDon’t be getting all bent out of shape just because I said you weren’t great at comedy.

VINCEIs that why you think I’m mad?

ERICWell... yeah.

VINCEWow. After all these years, you really don’t know me.

ERICThen what the hell is it, Vince? Enlighten me.

VINCEI’m mad because it’s become clear that my oldest friend thought my doing the show was a bad idea from the start, and yet for some reason he didn’t feel he could be straight with me.

ERICI wasn’t trying to lie or anything. It’s just that no one likes to hear they’re not good at something.

VINCEE, if something’s on your mind you’re supposed to tell me. Not treat me like some porcelain doll that can’t take it.


(MORE)(CONTINUED)

So you don’t think I’m great at comedy? I’m not. I know that. Who cares. But if my best friend stops being honest with me? That I care about. Once that happens, who am I supposed to trust anymore?

ERICI was just trying to look out for you.

VINCEYou want to look out for me? Don’t become another lying Hollywood douchebag. Just be the guy I became friends with in the fourth grade because he was the only kid in school who didn’t make fun of the fact my dad had taken off.

ERICI’m sorry, Vince.

VINCEJust don’t do it again.

ERIC So, think we should call Ari and let him know Lorne gave you the cold shoulder?

VINCENah. You said he was out with his wife tonight, right? I’m sure he’s got his hands full.

ERICDefinitely.

(then, with a smile)So, want to be on “The View”?

VINCE Not really.

ERICAri thinks you could sleep with the cute one from “Survivor”.

VINCEThe one who’s married to an NFL quarterback?

ERICBackup quarterback.


VINCE (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)

VINCEWhat do you think?

ERICI don’t think you can do comedy but that I think you could pull off.

VINCEFunny.

ERICIf only you were, Vince. If only you were.

Vince smiles and punches him in the arm, as we:

CUT TO:

INT. HARVARD-WESTLAKE SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - NIGHT

Ari talks to Kevin Nealon as Mrs. Ari and the Girl dressed as Linda McCartney watch.

ARIOkay, so if I agree to do this stupid no meat thing for a week...

KEVIN NEALONThe Veg Pledge.

ARI...you’ll call Lorne for me and find out why he hates Vince so much?

KEVIN NEALONThat’s the deal.

(to Mrs. Ari)And you’ll hold him to this?

MRS. ARIWith pleasure.

ARIShocking that you’d enjoy this.

(to Kevin Nealon)I’ll do it, just make the call.

Kevin takes out his cell, exits to the hallway. Ari turns to the girl dressed as Linda McCartney.


(CONTINUED)

ARI (CONT’D)When this week is over I’m buying one of those cute potbelly pigs that people like to keep as pets, naming it Kevin, and eating it.

The girl looks at him, horrified.

GIRLI’m telling my parents!

MRS. ARINo, no, he’s only kidding.

(staring daggers again)Tell her you’re kidding, Ari.

ARIYeah, it’s just a joke.

As Mrs. Ari turns to the girl and smiles, Ari, behind her, shakes his head “no” for the girl’s benefit. Kevin Nealon comes back.

KEVIN NEALONI got through to Lorne.

ARI And?

KEVIN NEALONRemember how you said Vincent Chase had the biggest opening in box office history?

ARIYup. Even beat “Spider-man”.

KEVIN NEALONWell, there was another movie that opened that weekend.

ARINo, there wasn’t. Everyone got scared and so we had the whole weekend to ourselves.

KEVIN NEALONWell, apparently one small movie opened against “Aquaman”. A movie that Lorne produced, a sequel to one of his other movies.

(off Ari’s shrug)“Ladies Man 2”, starring Tim Meadows.


(CONTINUED)

ARIHe can’t blame Vince for that piece of shit bombing.

KEVIN NEALONHe can and he does.

ARIThat’s insane.

KEVIN NEALONYes it is. But seeing as I’m still hoping Lorne will put out a “Best of Kevin Nealon’s Saturday Night Live” DVD, I’m not about to tell him that.

ARIOkay, if you think that’s happening you’re the one who’s insane.

(off his look)What? I have to eat nothing but God damn twigs for week, I’m allowed to be grouchy.

CUT TO:


Drama is cooking up grilled cheese. Vince and Eric walk over.

DRAMA Hey, I didn’t know you guys were gonna show up.

ERICTurtle called and said not to miss it.

VINCEAnd I had to support my big brother.

DRAMAThanks, guys, but I don’t really think I’ve got a shot. A few people have come by, but the chances of winning are kinda slim.

ERICWow, Drama. That’s strangely realistic of you.

DRAMAWell, they put restrictions on my cooking techniques.


(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

If it weren’t for that, there’s no question I would come in first. But this is like asking Picasso not to use blue.

ERICThat’s more like it.

Turtle walks over.

DRAMAWhere’ve you been, Turtle?

TURTLE(defensive)

I was just wandering around, sending people over to you.

The CROWD starts CLAPPING.

DRAMAWhat’s going on?

TURTLEThey’re announcing the big winner. Come on.

The guys follow the crowd. In the center of the parking lot, a microphone in hand, stands a NERDY GUY wearing a Green Bay Packers style CHEESE HEAD hat. He looks more than a little stoned.

NERDY GUYLadies and gentleman, as the Grand Marshal of the Fourth Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational... or as they call me, Mayor McCheese. It’s my pleasure to announce tonight’s winner... Mister Johnny Chase!

The CROWD APPLAUDS.

DRAMAI won? Holy shit.

TURTLEYou did it, Drama!

They high-five.

VINCECongrats, bro.


DRAMA (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)

ERICYeah, good job, Drama.

Drama sprints over to the stoned Nerdy Guy. Another GUY dressed as PRINCESS LEIA comes over and gives Drama a MEDAL, placing it around his neck just as Leia did to Luke at the end of “Star Wars”. The crowd CHEERS again.

Turtle spots the three Stoners from before.

TURTLELook who’s laughing now, assholes!

They shrug, walk off.

ERICI’m impressed. I didn’t think he could pull it off.

TURTLEWell, don’t tell Drama but I may have bribed the guys counting the votes with that amazing weed I picked up this morning.

VINCENicely done, Turtle.

Drama has now taken the mic, loving the spotlight.

DRAMAIn the classic words of Torvald of Northumbria, the Commander of the Viking ship Gokstad...

(holding up his medal)Victory!

And as the guys and the crowd CHEER and WHISTLE, we:

FADE OUT.


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