Loving the Leavers K A I T L I N K AVA N A U G H , H O P E U N I T E D M E T H O D I S T C H U R C H , S AVA N N A H , G E O R G I A ( V I A Y O U T H W O R K E R J O U R N A L , S E P T E M B E R / O C TO B E R 2 0 1 5 ) I t ’ s years later, and now I—as many of us who do

ministry with students—know someone who has walked away just as I did. Maybe they didn't walk away forever, but they distanced themselves for an extended period of time. They are not just the fringe students. They are the ones you love and in whom you have invested. Maybe they are fickle, or their friends stop coming. Or they get their license and just decide church was a season for them. Then sometimes we fail to separate them from the ones who leave due to heart issues.

Heart issues are tough. Their struggles have so much depth, and it takes time to process. Maybe they’ve lost a parent or someone significant in their lives and struggle to process those experiences. Maybe they suffer from depression or anxiety and don’t know how that fits into faith. Maybe they’re angry because of how circumstances have turned out in their life (e.g., sickness, divorce, big changes). Or maybe they struggle with doubt and are sorting through what they believe as I was doing.

There were a lot of people who ministered to me well in this time. They know that if approached in the wrong way, it could push me further away. There were also people who did just that. They would accuse me walking away from Christ and tell me all of the reasons I was wrong. Every conversation seemed as thought it were soaked in judgment. This made my ability to process so difficult. There were times when I wanted to come back but didn’t know how. It was my faith community who loved me in this

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LOVING THE LEAVERS

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GOING BEYOND THE CLASSROOM

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IT’S T IME FOR MORE PRESENCE

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MORE RESEARCH

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WHAT’S HOT

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BOOKS TO CONSIDER READING

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Loving the Leavers

September 2015 MONTHLY PUBLICATION TO BETTER EQUIP STUDENT MINISTRY VOLUNTEERS www.ibclrstudents.org

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EMPOWER. ENCOURAGE.

It’s Time for More Presence

time that helped me get back to where I knew I wanted to be.

I think sometimes it feels as if we may have lost them forever, but I believe there are ways we can minister effectively those who leave:

Be Present We tend to have such a hard time watching students go through the things they do, and its harder to watch them try to go through it alone. While we can’t fix them—and I swear, sometimes we try—we can show up and be present. They may feel as if where they are is a mess, and they don’t want to expose you to their doubts and frustrations. The bravest thing we can do with our students is be available for them no matter when they are asking the tough questions and being…well…difficult. We should be able to handle this season in their lives.

Approach with Caution To try and approach them from a place of frustration or impatience only pushes them further away. Students don’t want to feel as if they are being attacked for their decision to distance. They may view this as pestering, though you have the best intentions. They need gentle invitations instead. The father let the prodigal son go and welcomed him with open arms when he was ready to return. Our students need the same patience and grace.

More than a Number When I walked away, I need to know I was not just a number. While I was no longer in the youth group, I needed to know I was being pursued because they loved me for who I was—with or without the church. I needed to know my friends and mentors were invested in me whether I showed up on Sunday. That’s sometime really hard for us to do, because our jobs are to minister regardless of where they are. Sometimes ministry means meeting them in the

messiest places of their lives and climbing in the pit with them while they work it our at their own pace. They need to know we want to grab coffee without an ulterior motive of getting them back through the doors of the church.

Let Them Vent I just wanted someone to hear my questions and allow me to feel slightly justified in my frustrations. I wanted to ask tough questions, and I didn’t want to hear a lot of Christianese to cover for how the church was behaving. It gets uncomfortable when students express their doubts, especially about the core truths we feel they need to believe. Our reactions are to become defensive instead of listening with open ears and hearts. Students needs to feel safe asking tough questions and trust they will receive authentic answers from someone who’s willing to listen to them and hear their arguments and concerns.

Pray Your Heart Out I’ve had a lot of students walk away in the same way I did. I have pursued students in the darkest moments of their lives, only to receive no response and a slight shove. Some return, and some I still want to return. I have tried it all jus as the many who cared and reached out to me. At the end of the day, the best thing I can do is pray for them. Pray for the process, and pray that as they work things out they are able to make their way back. It’s so important for us to remember that where they land does not depend on us but on them and their relationship with Jesus.

It’s Out of Your Control I’ve been guilty of taking it personally. If we’re being honest, sometimes we want to take the blame for the ones who walk away. We think it’s our fault, and we should have chased after them harder. I think we constantly need a reminder to stand there

and wait, to know when to be silent and when to step in, to wait patiently for when the person who doesn’t want you there today may need you tomorrow. Rejection hurts, but it’s not personal.

Don’t Change Your Ministry Sometimes when students leave, we think it’s us and that if we change, they will want to come back. We see programs constantly being rebranded in attempts to capture lost attention. I don’t think our responses should be to change the character of our ministries to match where students are. Students are seeking authenticity. Their whole world constantly is changing, and it’s important that the church doesn’t always feel the need to conform. While it is important to freshen up how we do things from time to time, we don’t need to change with the culture.

Though I returned to the church, it took my faith community a period of time of practicing these things well while I wrestled with my frustrations. There’s always a part of me that remembers that season so long ago when I wanted to walk alone for a while. It’s a dark and lonely place. I never would advise one to go there and camp out for longer than a day. If not careful, it can be a dangerous place.

It is easy for seasoned Christians to want to package everything in one sentence with a bow on top. However, that is not how our students’ hearts work. We don’t always have the prettiest solutions. Our jobs are to discern, be patient, listen, and pray.

I was not the first person to walk away from the church, but it was my faith community who loved me and never gave up on me in this season. They helped bring me back, and they did it most importantly with patience and persistence. I know they would love me wherever I decided to land. They loved me well, gave me space, and were there with open arms the day I came back.

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GOING BEYOND THE CLASSROOM

1. Ask' “If you had to choose right now'

what career would you go into?”

2. Use “Would you rather…” questions to

engage students in conversation.

3. When discussing a subject' ask “what do

your parents say about that?

It’s Time for More PresenceT H E R E S A M A Z Z A , B R O O M F I E L D U N I T E D M E T H O D I S T C H U R C H , B R O O M F I E L D , C O L O R A D O ( V I A W W W. Y O U T H M I N I S T RY. C O M )

Kevin: “So, do you remember who I am?”

My brain: Crap Theresa, come on. Think, you know this kid. What’s his name?

Me: “Dude, I totally remember you. (Awkward side hug) You look so different. How are you?”

Kevin: “Remember, I was at the skate park all the time. I was smaller then. I was like one of the first kids who started coming to Rocketown.”

My brain: I know that. I know you were, but what the hell is your name?

Kevin: “Kevin, my name is Kevin.”

This really happened. How I could forget a kid named Kevin? I have a brother

named Kevin. This past year, my former youth group from Florida, came to Colorado to do a work trip/mission to help with some of the flood damage. It was really exciting. It gave me a chance to reconnect with youth leaders and students I worked with for 7 years. It was hard to leave them when my family relocated to Broomfield a few years ago. This reunion was a huge gift. But this happens to me all the time, I run into a group of students, and there’s always one who insist I must know them by name. Why do they do this?

They do it because teenagers want to be known. And they want to be known by name.

So why couldn’t remember Kevin but I could remember Josiah? Josiah was another student on the trip. I loved this kid. There is no way I could ever forget him. During this youth ministry reunion Josiah and I reconnected and talk about his life and future, and well, it was awesome. My moment with Kevin was not so awesome.

The Difference between Kevin and Josiah…

I know what middle school and high school Josiah went to.

I knew his sister and his parents.

Josiah was a student that would approach you and stay by your side during youth group.

Josiah often needed a ride home.

Josiah was always the first one to arrive and the last one to leave.

Josiah went on all the retreats. I knew his name and his story.

Kevin…I have no idea what school he went to.

Never met his parents.

Kevin hung around his friends, not the adults.

Kevin never needed a ride home.

I really couldn’t tell you when Kevin arrived at youth gatherings  or when he left.

I don’t remember Kevin being on any of the retreats. I didn’t know his name or his story.

…the difference is, I was more present with Josiah than I was with Kevin.

Some students make it easy to be present, and with others it takes a little more intentionality. This reunion revealed that I haven’t always been as intentional as I should be to be present with every student.

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MORE ARTICLES AND RESEARCH

✴ Steps to Deal with Teenage Anxiety (Belfast Telegraph)

✴ American Tragedy: 54% of Teens Lack This…(WND)

✴ Why Following Your Heart is a Really Bad Idea (Relevant Magazine)

✴ The End of the Purity Culture (Relevant Magazine)

Every student deserves youth leaders who are present. We can’t invest more in one student just because he or she goes on more retreats.

I remember Josiah, because I was present with him.

I want a do-over. How can we be more present with the Kevin’s in our youth ministry? Here are three simple ways to do just that:

1. Take notice of every student when they enter the room. Maybe 7 out 10 times they walk right by us in a hurry to find their friends, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be recognized by their youth leaders. The very student, who passes us on their way to their friends, is wondering if we even know their name.

2. Take interest in the student who has friends. Kevin was an extravert and a very social kid. With extraverts it’s easy to assume they don’t need our presence when they are usually surrounded by their peers. When we make assumptions like this, we could miss a deeper need for presence in a student’s life.

3. Let’s know our students. If you lead a youth ministry with less than 20 students, consider it a blessing for now. It may be easier to know who is in the room and who isn’t in the room. If you lead a ministry of 20 plus, it may take extra effort to know who is in the room. The more students we have in our ministry the easier it is to become disconnected. A student might be involved for years without a youth leader having a significant presence in their life. They might enjoy the experience of youth group, but they are missing the mentoring and discipleship that comes when we are truly engaged and present in a student’s life.

And isn’t this what we are called to? We aren’t called only to teach in a group setting, or only to lead games, or only to order pizza.

We are called to be present…so present in the life of students that God and his outrageous love might capture them eternally.

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BOOKS TO CONSIDER READING

✴ MASTERPLAN OF EVANGELISM (ROBERT COLEMAN)

✴ GRASPING GOD’S WORD (SCOTT DUVALL)

✴ DESIRING GOD (JOHN PIPER)

✴ CRAZY LOVE (FRANCIS CHAN)

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