EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMONDCreated by Philip Rosenthal

"Home Sweet Motorhome"written byJon Woodrow

WRITER'S SAMPLE SCRIPT

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND"Home Sweet Motorhome"

TEASER

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT (NIGHT 1)DEBRA IS IN BED. RAY ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM.

DEBRASo did you get the brochures from thetravel shop?

RAYBetter than that, I got these.

HE HANDS HER SOME BROCHURES. DEBRA

World of Motorhomes. What is this,some kind of theme park?

RAYI was thinking about getting amotorhome.

DEBRA HANDS THE BROCHURES BACK. DEBRA

Keep thinking.

2

RAYI thought you'd say that, but hear meout.

DEBRARay, we can't afford a motorhome.

RAYNo, no, we can't afford to go on agood vacation, so I found a way tobring our vacation to us.

DEBRAExcuse me?

RAYWe can travel, you me and the kids.Think of the money we'll save onaccommodation.

DEBRAThink of the money we'll spend on gas.And tow trucks.

RAYWe have to pay for travel wherever wego, and we have to eat but we won’thave to pay restaurant prices. Thinkabout it, Debra, we get to go onvacation, yet the money we spend westill have, in the form of a beautifulmotorhome.

DEBRAWhat kind of a vacation do you think

(MORE)

3

DEBRA (CONT'D)it will be for me? You'll be havinglots of fun running cyclists off theroad and getting us lost, and I'll bestuck doing housework.

RAYIn a very compact house.

DEBRAIt's still housework.

RAYThat's where you're wrong, look, itsays right here, these have "cons".They do the work for you.

DEBRAYeah, those are cons all right.

RAYLook at this, you got your stove andyour dishwasher, and it even has awashing machine.

DEBRAOkay, so I won't have to beat ourclothes out over a rock but I stillhave to cook and clean and look afterthe kids. It will be exactly the sameas if we stayed home.

RAYNot exactly the same.

DEBRAHow so?

4

RAYWe won't have the same neighbors.

DEBRA CONSIDERS THIS. DEBRA

Let me see that brochure. RAY

Ha! I knew you'd come round. DEBRA

Let's not get carried away here, whereare the prices. What! Our housedidn't cost this much. No, Ray,forget it.

RAYWe don't have to get one new, we canget a used model, save a bundle.

DEBRAUsed. You mean after somebody elsehas lived in it so we find slices ofpizza stuffed down the backs of theseats and a strange smell that seepsout from the upholstery?

RAYStranger than stuffed pizza?

DEBRAForget it, Ray. It's bad enoughstaying in some hotel where they don’tchange the sheets, I'm not laying in aFormica bed wondering if those arebloodstains on the ceiling.

5

RAYWe'll get it from a dealer. Let themtake care of all the weird smells anddead bodies.

DEBRAI'm telling you, Ray, we get a newone or no motorhome at all.

RAYOkay.

DEBRAYou know I mean no motorhome at all,right?

RAYUh-huh.

DEBRA(SMACKING HIS ARM) Right?

RAYOkay! We'll just forget about avacation this year, stay here andspend time with the family.

DEBRAI'll look forward to it. (TURNINGOVER) Idiot.

CUT TO:OPENING CREDITS

6

ACT ONESCENE A

INT. RAY AND DEBRA'S LIVING ROOM - DAY (DAY 2)RAY SITS WITH ROBERT.

RAYWhy am I an idiot, just because I wanta motorhome? It's not like I'm goingto buy a Harley.

ROBERTA Harley would be cool.

RAYI'm not getting a Harley. Although itwould be cool.

MARIE AND FRANK ENTER. THEY GREET THE BOYS AND SIT DOWN. MARIE

What are all these brochures?RAY

Oh, I was thinking about maybe gettinga motorhome.

MARIEI think that's a wonderful idea.

7

RAYTell Debra.

DEBRA ENTERS. DEBRA

Tell me what? MARIE

I think it's wonderful that you wantto do something to bring the familytogether.

DEBRAWhat are you talking about?

RAYMom thinks it would be a good idea forus to buy a motorhome.

DEBRAA good idea would be locks on ourdoors. No, Marie, I already told Raywe can't afford it.

RAY RUBS HIS ARM. MARIE

You know, your father and I lived inone of these.

RAYYeah? One of these?

MARIEWhat do you call it, a vino blanco.

ROBERTWinnebago. Vino blanco is white wine.

8

MARIEThat's it, do you remember, Frank?

FRANKSure, we rented one for a while whenthey sprayed our house for termites,before you were born. We took off fora coupla weeks. In fact you wereconceived on that trip, do you rememberit, Marie?

RAYThat's kind of private, Dad.

MARIEIt was very romantic.

RAYAnd private.

MARIEFrank and me, all alone out in thewild.

FRANKAnd was it ever wild!

RAYPrivate!

MARIENow, Frank.

FRANKThat's what she kept saying.

RAY(HANDS OVER EARS) Stop talking, stoptalking, la-lala-la-la.

9

ROBERTWait a minute, you said before Raymondwas born. How about me?

MARIEOh, you came with us.

ROBERTTwo weeks in a thirty-foot motorhomewith you two. No wonder I have a fearof confined spaces.

FRANKYour space was even smaller than that,we kept you in the kitchen sink.

ROBERTThe sink! What were you thinking?

MARIEYou were just a baby, the motorhomedidn't come with extra beds.

ROBERTAnd that also explains my distrust offaucets.

MARIEFrank and I were pretty cozy as it was.

ROBERTIncarcerated in a stainless steel criblistening to you conceive Raymond, andtoo young to even cry for help. Inever stood a chance.

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DEBRAI think it sounds wonderful. Whatbrought you so close, the scenery, thecompanionship, nights under the stars,a sense of adventure?

FRANKWe had no TV and the radio was busted.It got dark early and there wasnothing else to do.

RAYI got conceived because you werebored?

FRANKIt's the country, there's nothing todo out there.

ROBERTEvidently you found something.

MARIEWe didn't plan it, we had only beenmarried a short time and we hadn't hadmuch practice.

FRANK LOOKS AT ROBERT. FRANK

You don't get everything right thefirst time.

MARIEFrank was wonderful. I don't thinkI've ever been happier.

11

FRANK(GRINNING) Me either.

RAYOh, stop it, stop it.

FRANKI tell you, Raymond, once you get outin that country air...

RAY(WAVING BROCHURE) This baby hassatellite. Two hundred channels.

DEBRARay, you're not spending our wholevacation watching TV.

RAYJust keeping my options open.

DEBRAWell, let's see what else is open foryou.

MARIE READS A BROCHURE. MARIE

Look at this adorable kitchen, thiswill be so easy to clean. It will begood practice for you, Debra.

DEBRAPractice?

MARIEYou know, start small and work yourway up.

12

DEBRAWell, I have things to do right now,and we're not getting a motorhome soperhaps you might like to take thebrochures and go work those up someplace.

FRANKI might get one of these. Is there amodel called the Passion Wagon?

MARIEOh, Frank.

FRANKThere she goes again!

RAYGet out.

FRANK AND MARIE EXIT, LAUGHING. ROBERT

What’s with those two? RAY

Did you see? I thought they weregoing to start acting out theirhoneymoon.

ROBERTYou don’t want to see that show, Icaught the première.

DEBRAI like seeing them like that, it feelssort of nice.

13

RAYThat’s the feeling you got?

DEBRAYes. Why, Ray, how did it make youfeel?

RAYMore... nauseous.

ROBERTThat’s because you’re not romantic,like Debra.

DEBRAThank you, Robert.

RAYI’m romantic. I get romantic all thetime.

DEBRAYou’re thinking of horny.

RAYI do romantic things.

DEBRASuch as?

RAYThose flowers I got you last week.

DEBRARight. The table centerpiece from thesports awards.

ROBERTAh well, it’s the thought that counts,isn’t that right, Deb?

14

RAY(TO ROBERT) What am I thinking rightnow?

DEBRALook, honey, it’s OK. I like you forbeing practical and all, it’s justthat sometimes a grand gesture canreally sweep a girl off her feet.

DEBRA KISSES RAY ON THE HEAD. DEBRA (CONT'D)

You stick with what you’re good at.DEBRA EXITS. RAY PICKS UP THE BROCHURE.

RAYGrand gesture. Pfuh.

DISSOLVE TO:

15

ACT ONESCENE B

EXT. RAY AND DEBRA'S HOUSE - DAY (DAY 3)A GIGANTIC MOTORHOME PULLS UP. RAY JUMPS DOWN FROM THECAB. FRANK WAITS, OPEN-MOUTHED.

RAYWell, what do you think?

FRANKI think you're an idiot.

RAYAn idiot with a motorhome.

FRANKA home or an apartment block? Did youhave to get one this big?

RAYI want to do this thing right.

FRANKHow much did it cost?

RAYEleven hundred dollars.

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FRANKEleven hundred! Jeez-a-loo that's asteal. How'd you manage that?

RAYBy agreeing to give them another elevenhundred every month until I'm very old.

FRANKSo it’s not a steal, it was a stick-up.What did Debra say?

RAYWhat did Debra say! What didn't Debrasay.

FRANKI bet she didn't say anything aboutthis.

RAYThis is my decision, Dad, I'm the manof the house.

FRANKYou talking about the house with thelacy cover on the toilet seat?

RAYYeah well, I picked out the fabric.Come look it over, you'll be hooked.

FRANKSomeone was.

RAY SMACKS THE SIDE OF THE MOTORHOME PROUDLY. RAY

Isn't she a beauty.

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FRANKHow many horses has she got?

RAYNone, Dad, they don't use them anymore. In fact, I hear back east theycall these horseless carriages.

FRANKI mean what'll she do on the open road?

RAYCarry us safely to our destination.

FRANKSafe. Look, you got the biggest thingout there, it's up to other people toget out of your way.

RAYYou're thinking of ships at sea.

FRANKI know what I'm thinking. This hereis a man's vehicle. You'll own theroad.

RAYI don't want to own the road, I justwant to borrow it for two weeks.

FRANKTwo weeks of the best vacation we'veever had.

FRANK STARTS TO INSPECT THE MOTORHOME. RAY RECOVERS. RAY

Did you just say "we"?

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FRANKSure. What, you think you can handleall this by yourself? Just you and me,son. The great outdoors.

RAYI'm not so crazy about you in the greatindoors. I got this so Debra and Icould get out with the kids.

FRANKThey won't appreciate this, it's toogood for them.

RAYWhat are you talking about, peoplehate these things. You hate thesethings. Every time you see onewaiting at a turn you say, "Don't lethim in, we'll be stuck behind."

FRANKYou'd get stuck behind him, I'd outrunthe bastard.

RAYOh, real good, these weigh all of ninetons, and you can outrun him in afamily saloon.

FRANKNine tons, you think. So what'sunder the hood, a V8?

RAYIt's a motorhome, Dad, not a NASCAR.

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FRANKI bet you could do a hundred in this,easy.

RAYNine tons, remember? The slogan isSee America First, not America isthe last thing you'll see.

FRANKAh, you never want to have fun.

RAYI promise I'll be laughing when youhurtle through the windshield into atree.

FRANKThat tree'll come off second best.

RAY STARTS TO LUG BOXES. RAY

Here, help me get this stuff into thehouse.

FRANKWhat is all this?

RAYAccessories.

DISSOLVE TO:

20

ACT ONESCENE C

INT. KITCHEN - DAY (CONTINUOUS) (DAY 3)RAY AND FRANK OPEN BOXES ON THE TABLE AND FLOOR.

RAYAnd that's your satellite navigator,your remote security transmitter,digital control console, and then yougot your on-board computer, and anelectronic fuel economizer.

FRANKWhat's this?

RAYI think it does the taxes.

ROBERT ENTERS IN HIS POLICE SERGEANT'S UNIFORM. ROBERT

Hello, Raymond. You know, someoneparked a house on your lawn.

RAYThat's me new 'home, bro'.

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ROBERT(PANICKED) You're leaving me here onmy own?

RAYOur vacation home.

ROBERTIt's so big.

RAYYou think?

ROBERTAre you kidding, it's blocking out thelight. How much did it cost?

RAYWell, it's not so much how much itcost as how much we'll save onaccommodation.

FRANKWhere were you going to stay,Buckingham Palace?

ROBERTI don't know, Ray, maybe you shouldhave gotten a smaller model. Whatdoes Debra think?

RAYDebra? Oh, she's pretty cool with it.Pretty cool.

ROBERTOh my God, you didn't tell her.

22

RAYDidn't tell her. Pfft! You think I'djust go out and buy something like --Oh, God, what have I done, I must beout of my mind.

FRANKJust now you realize?

RAYI got this big check from thatmagazine, I was on a high, I had allthese ideas so I went to the dealerjust for a look and he showed me thisone and I bought it on impulse.

FRANKOn impulse you buy a candy bar at thecheckout. You could fit the checkoutand the rest of the store into thatthing.

RAYYou guys have to help me figure out astory.

ROBERTI’m sorry, Raymond, you seem to haveyour marriage set out like some kindof crazy war game. Well, I gotta tellyou, I’m strictly an observer. And bythe way... (TAPS RAY ON THE SHOULDER)You’re dead.

23

RAYThat’s right, I'm a dead man. Debrawill actually kill me.

ROBERTPaint it black, you got the world'sbiggest hearse.

RAYThis is serious, what am I gonna do?

FRANKShe'll be home soon, you should hideit.

RAYWhere, Dad, behind the tree on thelawn?

ROBERTDad’s right, you gotta get it out ofhere.

RAYWhere?

FRANKPark it down the road.

RAYIt's half a block long, it will stillbe outside.

ROBERTI'm telling you, man, you gotta --

DEBRA ENTERS. ROBERT (CONT’D)

Oh. Hello, Debra.

24

FRANKUm... Hello, dear.

RAYHi. Honey.

DEBRAWhat did you do.

RAYIn respect of what?

DEBRAIn respect of the two-hundred footmonstrosity taking up our driveway andhalf the lawn.

RAYOh that. Well, it's the funniestthing. (LAUGHING) See, I'm laughingnow, just thinking about how funny itis. When Robert tells it.

ROBERTRaymond bought a motorhome.

RAYSee, that kills me, the way he justcame out and said that. Kills me.

DEBRA GLARES. RAY (CONT'D)

Which saves you the bother. DEBRA

Guys, will you excuse us, I'd like aword with my husband. While he stillis.

25

ROBERTYes. Goodbye, Raymond, and it wasnice knowing you.

FRANKI'll call you, and we'll take themotorhome out sometime. Somethingtells me you'll be spending a lot oftime in it.

FADE OUT.END OF ACT ONE

26

ACT TWOSCENE D

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS (DAY 3)FRANK AND ROBERT HAVE ESCAPED. DEBRA STILL GLARES AT RAY.

RAYLook, before you get mad --

DEBRAToo late.

RAYMadder, then. Listen, I know you saidwe couldn't afford a motorhome, andthat was true, but then I just gotthis bonus at work - totallyunexpected - and it was like freemoney or something, and I could havejust put it towards another housepayment or bills but I've got thatcovered anyway and I knew I'd regretit for the rest of my life if Ididn't use the money for something

(MORE)

27

RAY (CONT'D)special like a deposit on a motorhomeand now I'm regretting it becauseyou're going to make me move out andlive in it, aren't you.

DEBRANo.

RAYYou're not?

DEBRANo. Because I think that's what youwant.

RAYYou do?

DEBRAWhy wouldn't you? You got everythingyou need in there. A 200-channel TVand a refrigerator full of beer and nokids and no wife and no sense ofresponsibility. How could you do this?

RAYThere's no beer in there.

DEBRAI told you not to, so you did.

RAYWhat about all that stuff you said, theromantic stuff? I’m making a gesture.

28

DEBRAWith your finger! I meant some littlething, like a surprise party or a nightout, dinner at a restaurant or aweekend away. Instead you boughtRobohome.

RAYI figured you secretly liked the idea.

DEBRAYou figured that.

RAYI saw how dewy-eyed you got talkingabout Mom and Dad's romantic trip whenI was... you know. Arranged.

DEBRA(TEARFUL, GUARDED) That did soundromantic.

RAYSure, and the stuff about the sceneryand the stars. We could have all that.

DEBRAWe could?

RAYEverything they had.

DEBRAI guess that would be nice.

RAYWe could even ask Robert to come sleepin the sink.

29

DEBRAIt was a stupid thing to do, Ray.

RAYSo I'm stupid. Look, we can have thisvacation and see how we like it, andif it doesn't work out we can sell themotorhome when we get back.

DEBRAIf we get back.

RAYYeah, we could just keep going untilwe get to Canada. They'd never findus there.

DEBRAYou're so stupid.

RAYCome and take a look.

DISSOLVE TO:

30

ACT TWOSCENE E

INT. MOTORHOME – CONTINUOUS (DAY 3)RAY SHOWS DEBRA ROUND. SHE IS IMPRESSED DESPITE HERSELF.

RAYWhat do you think?

DEBRAIt's kind of big.

RAYFor a modest extra charge I got theupgrade from five to eight-berth.Pretty snazzy, huh?

DEBRADo you even know what berth means?

RAYAs I understand it, there’s a bird anda bee, and then somehow they gettogether. I think the bird is a stork.

DEBRABerth means bed. You bought an eight-bed motorhome.

31

RAYEight beds?

DEBRAWell, there are just five of us. Thetwins can even share. So that leavesthree.

RAYThree.

DEBRAThat's right. Three empty beds.

MARIE ENTERS. MARIE

Hello, dear. RAY

Oh, no. No, no, no. MARIE

I like this. RAY

Get out. MARIE

What? RAY

You have to get out, there's a limiton maximum occupancy.

MARIEI know, I read the brochure, you gotthe eight-berth. This is wonderful, Ithought we were all going to have tocram together in the five.

32

RAYCram? What? No, no, no.

MARIEFrank, come take a look around.

RAYNo-o-o.

FRANK CLAMBERS ABOARD. FRANK

This is great. Hey, Robert, get in here. ROBERT (O.C.)

Come on, kids.MARIE OPENS CUPBOARDS AS FRANK CHECKS THE TV. ROBERT BRINGSTHE KIDS AND THEY JUMP ON THE SEATS. DEBRA AND RAY DUCK ANDDODGE.

DEBRAGreat purchase, Ray. See how it'sbringing us closer together?

DISSOLVE TO:

33

ACT TWOSCENE H

INT. MOTORHOME – LATER (DAY 3)DEBRA AND RAY LOOK EXHAUSTED.

DEBRARay, what are we going to do? Yourfamily think they can come on vacationwith us.

RAYMaybe it won't be so bad.

DEBRAYou want to take your family? Justwhat is it you think we need avacation from?

RAYIt's not that I want to, we have to.You saw how excited they were.

DEBRAThey'll be on top of us the whole time,there will be nowhere to hide.

34

RAYThat closet is pretty big.

DEBRAThat's a bedroom.

ROBERT ENTERS. ROBERT

Well, I finally got them settled.They won’t sleep tonight, that’s forsure.

RAYThe kids?

ROBERTMom and Dad.

DEBRAThey’re really excited about this?

ROBERTOh yeah. She’s busy making plans,gathering maps, ordering supplies.Dad is working on driver gestures.

DEBRAListen, Ray, you have to put a stop tothis.

RAYWhy shouldn’t we all go on vacationtogether? Like Mom says, it couldreally bring the family close.

DEBRAThey live across the street, how muchcloser can they get?

35

RAYYou know what I mean.

DEBRAEven you don't know what you mean.

RAYI mean that we should do somethingtogether, as a family, that doesn’tend up with us at each other’s throat.

DEBRAI think I have the answer to that.How about if you take everybody elseand I stay here on my own?

ROBERTWhy not just take Mom, give the restof us a vacation?

RAY(SIGHING) I wonder how many kids Icould fit on a Harley?

DEBRAI’d better go check on them. You guysreally ought to think about this.

DEBRA EXITS. ROBERT

You know, Debra’s right. I'm notlooking forward to this vacation trip,Raymond. Not looking forward to it atall.

RAYWhy not?

36

ROBERTDid you not hear about the last trip Itook in a motorhome?

RAYOh, yeah, with Mommy and Pop-pop.

ROBERTI didn't call them that. I didn'tcall them anything, I was eight monthsold.

RAYEight months and two delightful weeks.

ROBERTThat's what I want to talk to youabout. You heard what went on duringthat trip.

RAYI stand here as evidence.

ROBERTThat’s just it. I’m worried it mighthappen again.

RAYIf that’s the kind of thing you worryabout, I’m worried about you.

ROBERTThey keep talking about it all thetime, their great adventure.

RAYThey just like the idea of being awayfrom home.

37

ROBERTI think you got something there.Being away from home sets them free.

RAYThat’s good, isn’t it?

ROBERTNo it’s not. It gives rise to urges.

RAYMom and Dad? Come on.

ROBERTUrges, Raymond. We might not like tothink of it, but underneath theircarefully preserved veneer ofhostility towards each other, Mom andDad are nearly normal human beings.

RAYYou mean...?

ROBERTOh yes. All it needs is the rightenvironment.

RAYLike a zoo.

ROBERTLike a motorhome.

RAYWhat are you talking about?

ROBERTHow strangely Mom and Dad have beenacting since you bought this thing.

38

RAYStranger than normal?

ROBERTLaughing and talking. It's, I don'tknow, it's as if they like each other.

RAYI know! I noticed that. I'm not evensure that is Mom and Dad, I don'trecognize them if they're not fighting.

ROBERTJust now I walked in on them, and theway they separated quick I think theymight have been kissing.

RAYOh, come on.

ROBERTKissing, Raymond. It’s unnatural andmakes me very uncomfortable. You haveto do something, this is your fault.

RAYMe? What did I do?

ROBERTYour extravagant purchase createdthese monsters.

RAYWhat monsters?

ROBERTFrankenstein's love-birds.

39

RAYIt can't be that bad.

ROBERTIt's worse than bad. I don't think Ican take it anymore.

RAYDad is just trying to recapture hisyouth.

ROBERTIf a youth did what Dad is trying todo with Mom he would be captured, allright.

RAYI guess the motorhome rekindled amemory or something. Don’t worry,I’ll take him for a drive, let him getit out of his system.

ROBERTThat’s one helluva system to bemessing with.

DISSOLVE TO:

40

ACT TWOSCENE J

INT. FRANK AND MARIE’S KITCHEN – DAY (DAY 4)MARIE SETS THE TABLE. FRANK ENTERS WITH ROBERT AND RAY.

FRANKIf we take a vacation it will have tobe south all the way to Florida. Captain Cautious here won't make aleft turn.

RAYThere's a heck of a blind spot backthere. And no-one will let me in.

FRANKI told you, you gotta be aggressive.Get your nose out. Oh, wait, it is.

FRANK AND ROBERT LAUGH. RAY

Yeah, yeah, go ahead and laugh. Let'ssee who's laughing when me and my noseare laying by a pool in the sun.

41

ROBERTWith the shade your nose gives it willstill be us.

RAYThat's it, you know what, I don't wantto take you on vacation.

ROBERTOoh, "I don’t wanna take you onvacation."

FRANKSome vacation, watching you spendtwenty minutes backing up to a fuelpump.

RAYBlind spot, Dad, blind spot.

ROBERTYou know, a blind spot would have beenuseful driving past the motorhomedealership.

RAYHow about I make you a blind spot.

ROBERTOh yeah? I'll take you down.

RAYFrom that height?

ROBERT(SPARRING) Come on.

MARIEBoys, boys, we shouldn't be fighting.

42

FRANKWhy not, we're a family.

MARIEYes, we're a family, and we're allgoing on vacation together.

RAYHaven't you been listening? We're notgoing on vacation, not you, not me,Debra or the kids. In fact, no one isgoing anywhere in that motorhome, ever.

MARIEWith that attitude, wild horsescouldn't drag me.

FRANKBut we might need some to drag the bushome.

ROBERTYeah, when it runs out of gas.

EVERYBODY LAUGHS, EXCEPT RAYMOND. RAY

Ever! Is everybody listening? Firstthing tomorrow I'm taking it back tothe dealership. And that's that.

DISSOLVE TO:

43

ACT TWOSCENE K

INT. MOTORHOME – DAY (DAY 5)FRANK, DRESSED IN HIS UNDERWEAR, SITS AT THE TABLE. RAY ENTERS.

RAYDad? What are you doing here? Andwhere are your pants?

FRANKI just got up.

RAYYou came over to eat breakfast in mymotorhome without pants?

FRANKYou think I'm nuts? My pants are inthe sleeping compartment.

RAYWhat are they doing in the sleepingcompartment?

FRANKWell, I don't wear them to go to bed.

44

RAYAre you telling me you slept in there?

FRANKNot slept, exactly.

RAYThen what?

MARIE ENTERS FROM THE SLEEPING COMPARTMENT. MARIE

Good morning, dear. RAY

Ma! What? You... you... (TO FRANK)You make me sick. And you... (TOMARIE) Should be sickened by him too.

MARIEWhat's wrong, Raymond, we're justdoing what comes naturally.

RAYIn the jungle! How could you letyourself in and defile my newmotorhome like this.

FRANKA church you defile, this place justgot christened.

RAYSo you at least have the decency toacknowledge that you wouldn't dowhatever it is I'm trying not toimagine you did in here last night ina place of holy worship.

45

FRANKJust that one time.

MARIEShut up, Frank, he's joking. All wedid last night was sleep.

FRANKThree times.

RAYOnce would be too many.

FRANKHey, show some respect.

RAYTo a man dressed in socks with FrootLoops all down his chin. From now onthis motorhome is off limits to youtwo without supervision. Or sedatives.

FRANKWhen was it ever on limits?

RAYNow you know why.

FRANKAh, come on, Marie. (RISING) I cantell when we're not welcome.

RAYI want that in writing.

MARIEYou're being very rude. After you,Frank.

46

RAYPants, Ma, his pants!

MARIE GOES BACK TO THE SLEEPING COMPARTMENT. RAY

(TO FRANK) In my bed? How could you. FRANK

Very easily, the memories cameflooding back.

RAYIn my bed!

FRANKHey, I didn't see your name on it.

RAY(WAVING PAPERS) This whole place hasmy name on it.

FRANKWhat's the big deal, you got a prettysweet set-up here, we were justbreaking it in.

RAYI didn't want it broken.

MARIE COMES BACK WITH FRANK'S PANTS. DEBRA ENTERS. DEBRA

Hey, Ray. What's going on? RAY

Ask Romeold and Juliet. FRANK

(BUCKLING UP) We were just leaving.

47

DEBRAWhen did you come?

RAYDon't answer that.

FRANK AND MARIE STEP OUT. DEBRA

What is all this? Did your parentsstay here last night?

RAYThis is what they do. Something newcomes into their territory and theyhave to mark it with their scent, likeanimals. (AFTER FRANK) Animals!

DEBRAOh, God. Scent?

RAYThat's right. You were worried aboutpizza, well, this is the odor thatcan't be erased. The smell of Barone.

DEBRAIt's not that bad, we'll air it outand change the sheets.

RAYI don't mean there is an actual odor.It's the thought of them, permeatingeverything.

DEBRAWhat do you mean?

48

RAYYou know. That was our bed.

DEBRABerth.

RAYWould you stop talking about birthwhen I'm thinking of my mom and dadhaving sex. Do you know howuncomfortable that makes me feel?

DEBRAMy God, they had sex in there?

RAYThree times I heard.

DEBRAYou heard them?

RAYNo, I heard Dad brag about it. Theyshould have put out a sign, "Don'tcome a-knocking if you hear hipreplacements clicking."

DEBRAWhat is it with your parents andmotorhomes.

RAYPlease God I hope she doesn't conceivethis time. Look what they did to thisplace.

DEBRA LOOKS AROUND.

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DEBRAI don't know, Ray, maybe this wasn'tsuch a good idea.

RAYThis was a great idea. Having thosetwo for parents, that was a bad idea.

THEY START TO CLEAR UP. DEBRA

He's been in the bathroom. I think hetook a shower.

RAYA shower if we're lucky. What are wegoing to do, I can't use this thinganymore, we've had it sixteen hoursand it's filled with bad memories.

DEBRAWe'll just take it back and ask forthe deposit less a day's rental.

DEBRA READS THE CONTRACT. RAY

See if it says anything about damages. DEBRA

I don't think they broke anything. RAY

I mean that I intend to sue foremotional trauma.

DEBRARay, did you look at this contract?

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RAYOf course I looked at the contract.

DEBRADid you read it?

RAYNo...

DEBRAOh, God.

RAYWhat?

DEBRAYou can't give the motorhome back,you'll lose the deposit.

RAYWhat! Let me see that.

DEBRARight here, this sale is final. It'snot a rental, you agreed to buy it butthey own it if you don’t pay off thefull amount.

RAYThen, we'll sell it.

DEBRAYou could sell it, but what idiotwould buy it?

IPS DELIVERYMAN DOUG HEFFERNAN POPS HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR. DOUG

Hey, Ray, I got a package for you.

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RAYHi, Doug.

DOUGWow! Is this your motorhome?

RAY AND DEBRA EXCHANGE LOOKS. RAY

Yes it is. You like it? DOUG

Bitchin'! DEBRA

Ray, why don't you and Doug take herfor a spin?

DOUGReally? I've always wanted one ofthese.

DEBRAI'm sure your wife would just love it.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

52

TAG

INT. MOTORHOME – NIGHT (NIGHT 5)SOFT MUSIC, LIGHTS DIMMED. RAY AND DEBRA ARE CURLED UP ONA CORNER SEAT.

DEBRAThis was a nice idea, Ray.

RAYI figured we should get some use outof it.

THEY START TO KISS. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. DEBRA

Who could that be?RAY GETS UP AND LOOKS OUT BEHIND A CURTAIN.

RAYOh, look, it's our neighbor. (OPENINGDOOR) Forty-five minutes, Ma. Youcouldn't leave us for even an hour?

MARIE ENTERS. MARIE

I'm sorry, dear, I had to come out, (MORE)

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MARIE (CONT'D)the children are asking for cookiesand all I could find was a jar fullof bought ones.

DEBRA GETS UP. DEBRA

Great vacation, Ray. (KISSING HIM)Same time next year?

RAYWe should try Canada.

FADE OUT.END OF SHOW