exploring grief issues in a death in the family

8/3/2019 Exploring Grief Issues in a Death in the Family

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Exploring Grief Issues in A Death in the FamilyBy Sheila D. Skeans

Overview

A Death in the Family, James Agee's poignant novel about coping with the sudden death of a familymember, provides an ideal springboard for teaching students about grief: how to walk through itoneself and how to walk through it with others. In chapter 4 of the novel, Aunt Hannah speaks of death, "I don't think it's a kind of thing that can be prepared for; it just has to be lived through."While there is much truth in her observation, having some knowledge of what to expect can behelpful. With this in mind, students will learn the stages of the grieving process and explore

practical suggestions for dealing with loss and helping others deal with loss. This lesson isappropriate for middle school and high school students. The time estimate is one 90-minute block. If assessment item #3 is used, an additional 90-minute block may be necessary.

Objectives

The students will:

§ Participate in a discussion of the five stages of the grieving process§ Demonstrate knowledge of the five stages of the grieving process§ Cite examples from the novel representing the stages of the grieving process§ Apply knowledge of the five stages of the grieving process to the novel and to personal life

Skills Attained

§ Ability to recognize and apply knowledge of the stages of the grieving process§ Ability to give himself/herself permission to grieve when appropriate§ Ability to select appropriate responses to another person's grieving

Lesson Outline

I. Anticipatory Set

Pose the question to the class, "How many of you have lost someone in your life through death?"Explain that while death is a very normal part of life, it is also one of the most difficult parts of life.

Present the quote from Aunt Hannah, "I don't think it's a kind of thing that can be prepared for; it justhas to be lived through." Explain that dealing with death is one of those things in life for which thereare two levels of knowledge. The intellectual or "head" knowledge, which will be developed in thislesson, provides a framework of what to expect. While there is no "easy" way to deal with grief, headknowledge can take some of the fear and uncertainly out of the process. The emotional or "heart"knowledge, however, can only be gained and understood by first-hand experience with death. Tellstudents that it is reasonable to expect that those who have had first-hand experience with death will

understand this lesson on a much deeper level than those who have not.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist who pioneered research on the subject of dying(http://www.wic.org/bio/eross.htm ), identified five stages people go through when facing death.Instruct students to be ready to give examples from the novel as each stage is discussed. Inform themthat the discussion will also include practical suggestions addressing what to say/not say and what todo/not do when dealing with grief issues.

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II. Lesson

Give an overview of the stages of grief emphasizing the following points:

§ Define grief (emotional suffering due to experiencing loss). Grief can accompany any type of loss;the greater the loss the greater the intensity of the suffering.

§ While Kubler-Ross's research is based in specific on interviews with terminally ill people, her five-stage model is widely accepted as describing the grieving process in general. The stages haveapplication not only when people are grieving over death but also when experiencing other types of loss. (See Optional Discussion Extension #2 for examples.)

§ The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

§ The stages are not "rigid"; they do not necessarily occur in order. People may bounce back andforth between stages, sometimes rapidly within a single conversation.

§ Individual grief experiences vary widely; there is not one "correct" way to grieve. It can look verydifferent in different people.

Present a description of what to expect at each stage of the grieving process (A) and discussexamples from the novel (B). Lead students in identifying practical suggestions for what to do (C)and what not to do (D) during each stage. Given that students will be expected to apply theinformation later, strongly recommend that they take notes during the discussion. Note: While thesuggestions in parts (C) and (D) are written from the perspective of helping others as they grieve,applications for dealing with one's own grief should also be discussed.

Stage 1 : Denial – the amazing human psyche attempting to protect us from a traumatic event; themind works very hard to let traumatic information in a little at a time

A. Characteristics: They may display shock, a sense of disbelief, can't seem to grasp the reality of thesituation, feel numb emotionally, may seem emotionless and cold. They and the world around themmay seem "unreal", feel dazed. The desire to escape is strong; thoughts may be disorganized(difficulty concentrating, difficulty remembering things, difficulty communicating); physicalsymptoms (dizziness, trembling, difficulty breathing, racing heart, nausea, etc.) are evident. Peoplemay go through the motions of life automatically doing what needs to be done. They may wish ithad happened to someone else then may feel guilty for feeling that way and may feel guilty beingalive. They concentrate on the needs of others and ignore their own needs.

B. Ch. 8 – Mary: dizzy, trembling voice, difficulty breathing after receiving the initial phone call

Ch 10 – Mary: drinking whiskey throughout the night and not being able to feel the effects; she triesto make Walter feel welcome

Ch 10 – Andrew: has thoughts of wishing it were he who had died; feels guilty being alive; keeps"putting his foot in his mouth"

Ch 12 – Joel: thinks to himself, "People can only get through these things by being blind at least half the time."

Ch. 14 – Rufus and Catherine: don't say anything or ask any questions when Mary tells them their



father is dead; during breakfast, Catherine still believes her father will come home and Rufus is fullof questions but afraid to ask them

Ch. 16 – Rufus: feels "exhilarated" at not having to go to school then disappointed because of theattention he will not get from his peers; he thinks the event will give him more credibility

Ch. 10 – Rufus: tells a group of boys what happened but shows no emotion; he's trying to impressthe boys

C. Do: listen more than you talk, make sure basic needs are met (provide food, drinks), run errands,do chores, be available, keep in close contact, make phone calls for them, remember that if they don'tseem sad - doesn't mean they don't care – they are numb

Say: "I'm sorry you are hurting." "I'm sorry to hear about your loss." "Do you want to talk about it?""Tell me what you are thinking."

D. Don't do: be impatient, expect the person to move through the process on your timeline, push the

person to face reality before he is ready, take the person's behavior personally, be easily offended, be judgmental (people handle grief differently)

Don't say: "I know how you feel." (unless you've truly experienced the same thing) "It'll be ok "Time will make it better." "It was God's will." "You shouldn't feel that way."

Stage 2 : Anger – directed in every direction

A. Characteristics: They typically ask the question "Why me?", are short tempered and difficult,nothing pleases them, seem mad at the world, over-react emotionally to anything/everything, saythings they normally wouldn't say, do things they normally wouldn't do, blame God, blame others,may question faith in God, accuse others of not caring, may avoid friends, irrational

B. Ch. 11 – Andrew: feels bad for making Mary cry by giving her too many details, in his thoughtsquestions the existence of God and expresses the desire to "spit" in His face.

Ch. 11 – Joel: accuses God of killing men "for sport" like boys do to flies

Ch. 13 – Mary: prays "angrily" for peace for all who have died, especially Jay, thinks to herself,"Strike me down….Visit upon me Thy lightnings. I don't care. I can't care."

Ch. 14 – Hannah: just before Mary tells the children, she snaps at Rufus to take off his hat

Ch. 16 – Hannah: sharp and harsh with the children, especially Rufus

C. Do: listen more than you talk, let them know you are there for them, remind yourself that anger isa normal part of the process and can signal progress, plan activities to get them "out of the house",

be patient, remember that the anger is not about you, trust your instincts – if you are concerned thatthey are unsafe, abusive or self-destructive, tell someone who can help, make sure you have someoneyou can talk to

Say: "I'm sorry this is so hard." "I wish I knew how to help." "It's not o.k. for you to (unsafe,abusive, self-destructive behavior)." "I'm picking you up at (time) and we are going to (do



whatever)."

D. Don't: offer rational reasons why they shouldn't be angry or try to talk them out of their feelings,take their behavior personally, be easily offended, be judgmental, abandon them or give up on them(you can, however, give yourself a break when you need it), let them isolate themselves, allow them

to cross the line into destructive, unsafe, or abusive behavior

Don't say: "You shouldn't feel that way!" "You don't mean that." "When are you going to get over this?"

Stage 3 : Bargaining – making promises to God and/or trying to make deals

A. Characteristics: They promise God something or try to make a deal with God if He will take the pain away or protect other people they love or give them a sign or tell them why, etc.

B. Ch 4 – Mary: prays for Jay's father, asks God to spare him so she can "learn to understand andcare for him more"

Ch. 8 – Mary: amazingly resists the temptation to try to bargain with God and simply prays for Hiswill and for strength; this is a point in which many are drawn into making promises and/or

bargaining

C. Do: encourage them to talk about feelings, express your concern for them, be patient

Say: "I'm sorry you are hurting so badly." "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."

E. Don't: try to make everything o.k. for the person, discount or downplay the person's feelings, tryto take away the feelings/pain

Stage 4 : Depression – signals that the process of accepting the loss has begun

A. Characteristics: They may be extremely sad, tearful, sleeping too much or too little (sleep qualityis poor), lethargic, loose interest in activities they once enjoyed, feel the emotional pain as an actual,

physical ache, allow physical appearance to deteriorate, feel like it will never get better, may idealizethe deceased and see them as more perfect than they were

B. Ch. 13 – Mary: when alone the for the first time before going to bed, she feels overtaken byloneliness and trembling, questions why she is alive

Ch. 16 – Rufus (after getting in trouble for pestering Catherine): thinks of all the things the boys saidwhen he told them about his father; feels bad that he "showed off"; quietly goes to his father's chair and smells it

Ch. 17 – Walter Starr: almost breaks down after telling the children how he felt about Jay

Ch. 17 – Mary: nearly collapses with grief after meeting the Priest

C. Do: encourage them to talk about feelings, let them cry/emote without trying to make them feel better (it's necessary to feel the painful emotions), talk about/ask about the deceased, tell them goodthings you remember, get them help if they express suicidal thoughts (saying they don't want to live,giving away treasured items, seem to be saying goodbye,suddenly go from despair to "fine"),



encourage them to write a letter to the deceased, help them do something as a memorial (plant a tree,donate money/clothing etc. in honor of the deceased, create a scrapbook, etc.), encourage them totalk to a counselor

Say: "Tell me about (the deceased)." "What was your favorite thing about (the deceased)." "I

remember the time he/she……" "It must feel like things will never be easy again, but you will getthrough this." "I'm worried about you." "Tell me what you are thinking." "It might be good if youtalk to someone who knows how to help you through this."

D. Don't: abandon them or give up on them, tell them why they shouldn't feel this way, let themisolate themselves, be afraid to get help for them, promise to keep their pain secret, be afraid to havefun and laugh in their presence

Don't say: "Don't feel that way." "You don't mean that." "You need to snap out of this."

Stage five : Acceptance – recognition of the reality of the situation, intensity of the accompanying pain can vary widely depending, more often than not, on the newness of the loss

A. Characteristics: They begin to resume their lives, they laugh again, they still cry from time totime but not every day, they can talk about the deceased without becoming depressed, they makefuture plans

B. Ch. 11 – Mary: takes a "baby step" toward acceptance by talking about Jay's epitaph

Ch. 12 – Mary: finds much comfort and release in sensing Jay's presence in the house and in beingable to talk to him, saying what is on her heart ("And her heart was restored from its desolation, intowarmth and love and almost into wholeness." This is a great example of howa person can bouncequickly from one stage to another.)

Ch. 20 – Rufus and Catherine: see Mary after the funeral and realize "nothing would ever be the

same again"

Ch. 20 – Rufus: comforted by Andrew's account of the butterfly on the coffin

C. Do: encourage them to resume normal activities, continue to get them "out of the house"

Say: "I'm glad you are doing better." "It will still hit you hard at times, but you'll be o.k.""I'm here whenever you need me."

D. Don't: be afraid to talk about the deceased (it will be more awkward if you don't), be surprised if they still bounce in and out of the five stages for some time (months or even years depending on thedepth of the loss)

Closing : Present the quote from Aunt Hannah again, "I don't think it's a kind of thing that can be prepared for; it just has to be lived through." Remind students that death is a normal part of life andthat there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Have students complete the assessment activities. Notethat assessment activity #3 may require another class period to complete.

Optional extension to the closing: (Consider your audience and your personal convictions whenchoosing whether or not to present this analogy.) Present the quote from Ch. 12 where Joel says,"Hannah was saying that everything of any importance leaves the body then (in a sudden death)."



Using this as a springboard, share the following analogy.

Some people find it helpful to compare the death of a person to a house that has been through aterrible storm….windows broken, shutters torn off, roof destroyed, foundation shaken. The housewas so damaged that the people who lived there had to move. The people were still very much alive;

they just couldn't live in that house anymore. In death, the physical body has been through a stormsevere enough that the person who lived in that body couldn't live there anymore. Everything thatmade the person who he/she was, his/her spirit, had to move out of the body. He/she just couldn'tlive there any more. Many people believe that the true essence of a person, the spirit or soul, doesn'tdie with the physical body but lives on.

Assessment

1. Have each student write a journal entry using one of the following prompts:

§ Think of a time in your life when you or someone you know was grieving. Cite examples of atleast 4 of the five stages of grief from that experience.

§ Think of someone in your life who is currently grieving some type of loss (remember that the process applies to any loss, not just death). Develop a plan for how you can support them during thistime.

§ Describe a time when you were grieving. Tell what your friends did that helped, what they did thatdid not help, and what you wish they had done and/or what you needed from them.

2. Have each student choose two of the characters from the novel. For each character the studentshould identify the following: a specific point in the story, the stage of grief in which we find thecharacter at that point, two suggestions for how a friend of the character might "be there" for thecharacter during that time.

3. Creative Expression/Application - (May require an additional class period). Divide students intocooperative learning groups of 3-4. Assign each group the task of developing a creativerepresentation of the five stages of grief. (Examples: develop a brochure, create a chart/poster, writea song, write a poem, write a script and act it out, create a mural, etc.)

Optional Discussion Extensions

The following discussion topics may be used as a part of this lesson or as a follow up activity for another class period.

1. Briefly discuss what it is like to attend a funeral and/or graveside service. For those who havenever attended a funeral, tell them what to expect. Be sure to cover the following points of funeraletiquette:

§ Dress appropriately (not casual).

§ Be respectful by talking quietly.

§ Stand in the line to sign the registry book; stand in line to be received by the family.

§ If you have something in your heart to say to the family, say it. Keep it brief; they won't remember



much of what is said to them anyway. If you don't know what to say, it's o.k. not to say anything. Ahug, a smile, or a pat on the back can communicate just as well. If you want to say something, youcould say something like, "I'm so sorry for your loss."

§ Sit quietly and respectfully when sitting in the room where the deceased is presented.

§ It's o.k. to visit quietly with others; remember not to engage in any behavior that would distractothers or call attention to you or others.

§ When driving as a part of a funeral procession, stay in line, turn on the headlights, be sure themusic isn't loud enough to be heard outside the car.

§ When driving and you encounter a funeral procession of which you are not a part, out of respectfor the deceased and the family, pull over if possible. Never pass a funeral procession.

§ If you are uncomfortable approaching the casket, it's o.k. not to do so.

§ If you feel you can't handle the funeral, it's o.k. not to go.

§ If you want to attend the funeral but can't work it out to do so, it's o.k. to go by the funeral homeearlier in the day and sign the registry/pay your respects.

2. Remind students that the grieving process applies not only to death but also to any loss of anydegree. The entire process can take a few minutes (it did snow but not enough to call off school; yourip your favorite shirt), a few days (you scratch the door of your new car; you lose a special piece of

jewelry), or several months/years (your best friend moves away; death of a loved one). Havestudents brainstorm a list of situations, or use the ones given above, and discuss how the five stagesapply to each.

Interdisciplinary Links

Biology – physiological reactions to grief, depression, emotional traumaMusic – examination of the theme of death in music; music therapy in mental healthPsychology – defense mechanismsSociology – cultural differences in death and funeral ritualsWellness – study of the stages of life

References

http://www.wic.org/bio/eross.htmhttp://www.dying.about.com/library/weekly/aa072897.htm

Sheila Skeans is a counselor at Clinton High School in Tennessee.


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