Grade 4 Expository Writing Samples Oregon State Assessment 

                   Prompt Topic: Write a composition about a job that you would like to have one day and explain why. 

Student: _______________________________ Date: ___________________  

  Appendix E 1

Grade 4 Expository Writing Prompt

READ the information in the box below.

There are many interesting ways that people make a living. Some people make things like artists and computer designers. Others help people such as doctors or teachers. Still, others entertain people with their work, including athletes and musicians.

THINK about the kind of work you would like to do in the future.

WRITE about a job that you would like to have one day. Explain the reasons why you would enjoy the work.

Be sure to –

clearly state your central idea

organize your writing

develop your writing in detail

choose your words carefully

use correct spelling, capitalization, punctuation, and sentences

 

MyClassPetGrade4ExpositoryWritingSamples

OregonStateAssessmentTeacher Note: These expository student samples are from Oregon’s state assessment, which uses a 6-point scale to measure student achievement on the Six TraitsTM of Writing. The projected STAAR rating (4-point scale) is shown on the chart below. The actual comments on the ensuing pages include comments and scores regarding the individual traits from Oregon’s Assessment Department.

Essay Title “STAAR” Score

Paleontologist Everything a Kid Could Want (Cop) Pro Skateboarder Olympic Swimmer The Beast

4 3 2 1 1

Grade 4 �– Expository High �– Paleontologist

Grade 4 �– Expository Medium High �– Everything A Kid Could Want

Grade 4 �– Expository Medium �– Pro Skateboarder

Grade 4 �– Expository Medium Low �– Olympic Swimmer

Grade 4 �– Expository Low �– The Beast

Grade 4: Expository (Example of a �“High�” paper) Title: �“Paleontologist�” Topic: There are many interesting ways to make a living. Tell about a job that you

would like to have and explain why.

SCORES AND COMMENTARY (Phrases in bold are taken from the Official Writing Scoring Guide): Ideas and Content: 5 This writing is clear, focused and interesting. The topic is explored and explained with carefully selected details. The writing makes connections, and could reach a 6 level by sharing specific insights about why dinosaurs are so appealing to the writer. Organization: 5 This paper has an organization that is strong and moves the reader through the text. The writer uses a chronological structure for the body of the paper and ties that structure into the conclusion by making a prediction about the future. The conclusion would most likely be improved by omitting the final sentence, which doesn�’t really add anything to the paper. Voice: 5 The writing in this paper shows a commitment to the topic and there is a sense of �“writing to be read.�” The writing is expressive, engaging and sincere. This could move up to a 6 with a greater degree of excitement coming through in the writing. Word Choice: 5 The language in this paper conveys the intended message in an interesting, precise, and natural way. The writer employs a broad range of words (�“quest for knollage,�” �“ventured into my room,�” �“economy sized basket over flowing�”) that have been thoughtfully placed for impact. Sentence Fluency: 5 This student�’s writing flows with a natural, fluent sound. Sentences are carefully crafted, with a mix of fairly simple structures with more complex structures. Conventions: 5 This paper shows a strong control of standard writing conventions with little need for editing. The use of internal punctuation and apostrophes, as well as quotation marks to enhance meaning, keep this paper at a 5 despite some obvious spelling errors (�“theese,�” �“knollage,�” �“pilled�”).

Grade 4: Expository (Example of a �“Medium High�” paper) Title: �“Everything a Kid Could Want�” Topic: There are many interesting ways to make a living. Tell about a job that you

would like to have and explain why.

SCORES AND COMMENTARY (Phrases in bold are taken from the Official Writing Scoring Guide): Ideas and Content: 4 This writing is clear and focused. The topic is explained and support is present but the support is limited in places. Organization: 4 This paper has an organization that is clear and coherent, with an inviting beginning that draws the reader in. The paper would move closer to a 5 if transitions were developed to move the reader smoothly from one idea to the next. The conclusion could also be improved to provide a more satisfying sense of closure. Voice: 5 This writer has a strong sense of audience and shows liveliness and humor (�“It�’s everything a kid could want,�” �“�…and I love eating doughnuts.�”) that engage the reader. Voice is most likely the major strength in this piece. Word Choice: 4 The language in this paper effectively conveys the intended message. An explanation of the jargon used in the sentence �“�…my best strategy would be using a spike-strip, code named �‘stinger,�’�” could aid comprehension. This paper comes close to a 5 in this trait, but the writer has not employed a particularly broad range of words in sharing this information. Sentence Fluency: 5 This student�’s writing is characterized by a natural, fluent sound. It glides along with one sentence flowing into the next. The fragment in the first paragraph (�“Having a police car, staying up late.�”) is purposeful and works well in the context of the introduction. Conventions: 4 This paper shows a strong control of standard writing conventions with little need for editing. Because of the limited number of errors, an argument could be made for a 5 in this trait, but it can also be argued that the paper does not show skill in using a wide enough range of conventions to reach the 5 level.

Grade 4: Expository (Example of a �“Medium�” paper) Title: �“Pro Skateboarder�” Topic: There are many interesting ways to make a living. Tell about a job that you

would like to have and explain why.

SCORES AND COMMENTARY (Phrases in bold are taken from the Official Writing Scoring Guide): Ideas and Content: 4 This writing is clear and focused. The topic is explored and explained with relevant supporting details. It is not quite a 5 in this trait, because it doesn�’t really reveal any particular insights, instead more or less echoing ideas that can be heard elsewhere. Organization: 4 This paper has an organization that is clear and coherent. The paper would move closer to a 5 if transitions were developed to move the reader smoothly from one topic to the next. The conclusion could also be improved to provide a more satisfying sense of closure. Voice: 4 The writing in this paper shows a commitment to the topic and there is a sense of �“writing to be read.�” To reach a 5, the writer could show a greater degree of originality and a consistent sense of liveliness such as that created at the beginning of paragraph 3 (�“Swoosh! I can picture it�…�”). Word Choice: 4 The language in this paper effectively conveys the intended message. The words are functional and appropriate (�“loads of fun,�” �“get paid a lot,�” �“even more fun�”), but do not show the freshness and precision one would expect to find in a 5-level paper. Sentence Fluency: 4 This student�’s writing flows with a natural sound. Sentence patterns are somewhat varied, although most sentences are fairly simple in structure with few attempts at more complex structures you would expect to see at the 5 level. The final sentence is a bit awkward in comparison to the rest of the paper. Conventions: 4 This paper earns a high 4 in this trait, showing a strong control of standard writing conventions with little need for editing. The paper does not show skill in using a wide range of conventions so does not quite reach the 5 level.

Grade 4: Expository (Example of a �“Medium Low�” paper) Title: �“Olympic Swimmer�” Topic: There are many interesting ways to make a living. Tell about a job that you

would like to have and explain why.

SCORES AND COMMENTARY (Phrases in bold are taken from the Official Writing Scoring Guide): Ideas and Content: 2 In this trait, this paper�’s major flaw is a lack of focus. So many different jobs are mentioned, that the writer gives each minimal development or the details that are provided appear to be irrelevant (�“I wonder if ennyone else wonts to be whot I do. I have to say good luck!�”). To score higher, this piece would need to focus on one job and provide relevant details about why it is appealing to the writer. Organization: 3 This paper shows some attempt has been made to organize the writing, ending up with a structure that could be called skeletal. The paper moves rapidly from one job to the next, with some attempts at transitions (the use of the word �“And�” to start paragraph two and the use of the word �“also�” in paragraph three). The paper is not a 4 because there is no clear sequence to the ideas, resulting in a �“list.�” Voice: 3 The writing in this paper shows an inconsistent commitment to the topic. The writer shifts to a very different, personal voice in the conclusion that doesn�’t match the rest of the paper. A more consistent and committed voice is needed to raise this paper to a 4 in this trait. Word Choice: 3 The language in this essay is ordinary and lacking in variety (note the extensive use of the word �“want�”�—spelled �“wont�” by the student). The words used rarely capture the reader�’s interest. Sentence Fluency: 3 In too many places, the writer of this paper falls into repetitive sentence patterns (�“I wont to...�” and �“I also wont to�…�”). This paper is a good example of one that has sentences which, although functional, lack energy. To move to a 4, this writer needs to vary sentence patterns and lengths to contribute to smoother oral reading. Conventions: 3 Numerous spelling errors in this paper distract the reader. There is a significant need for editing, not just to correct spelling mistakes, but to check for internal punctuation and to determine correct end-of-sentence punctuation�—fragments in this paper appear to be unintentional and detract from the paper�’s impact.

Grade 4: Expository (Example of a “Low” paper) Title: “The Beast” Topic: There are many interesting ways to make a living. Tell about a job that you

would like to have and explain why.

SCORES AND COMMENTARY (Phrases in bold are taken from the Official Writing Scoring Guide): Ideas and Content: 2 In this paper, development is attempted but minimal. The writer starts with a main idea (“…makeing rides for kids to ride.”) but then spends the rest of the paper apparently describing either the ride the student hopes to design or one that the writer has experienced in the past—a situation where the reader must make extensive inferences. The details that are provided are repetitious, focusing on the color of the lights on the ride. Organization: 2 Overall, this paper is too short to demonstrate organizational skills. The writer does not appear to have attempted to sequence the ideas, and there is a lack of transitions. There is no conclusion. Voice: 2 The writing in this paper shows a general lack of audience awareness. The writer appears to be interested and excited about amusement park rides, but lacks the skill to convey that excitement clearly. Word Choice: 2 The language in this essay fails to create a clear image. Yes, there are colors and lights and balls mentioned, but it is not clear where these are on the ride or how they relate to what the rider is doing (other than the green balls can kill you if you touch them). To score higher, a clearer use of words would need to be in evidence. Sentence Fluency: 2 The writer also shows a tendency to create rambling constructions that cause the reader to slow down or reread. The final sentence is a good example of this: “And red fire balls can lihgt up the hole ride all at onec oh you can not forget this one this red sqegley whith red sperks.” Conventions: 2 Numerous errors in this paper distract the reader and make the text difficult to read. There is a substantial need for editing. This is not a 1 in this trait because the writer does have some correct end-of-sentence punctuation (first sentence), knows to capitalize the first words in sentences, and has some spelling ability.