FAMILIESHow To

Manage Problem BehaviorBrandy A Coffee Marks, M.Ed., D.R.S.

Biblical Counselor & Ordained Minister

www.brandyancoffee.net

FAMILY ATMOSPHERE

Atmosphere of Family

The atmosphere of your family home contributes highly to behavior problems in children.

So, let’s take a look first at parental behaviors that can create problem behaviors in children.

Remember, try to be honest with yourself even if what you see is painful and you disagree.

Don’t blame yourself or others for the problems, instead, use the information to create change.

Atmosphere of Family

What is the general atmosphere in your family?

• Discouraged where there are lots of problems and family members feel angry or anxious

• Encouraged where there are pleasant behaviors and family members feel happy or hopeful

Beliefs when Discouraged

PARENT CHILD

• Over protect relies on others more than they rely on their own self

• Over indulge behaves irresponsible; seems that they do not care for others

• Rejecting feels you don’t care about them; may behave uncaring toward you

• Controlling engages in power struggles; may become overly independent

Beliefs when Discouraged

PARENT CHILD

• Permissive doesn’t seem to care about others

• Too rigid feels discouraged about their own ability to succeed

• Pitying feels sorry for themselves; and become pitying toward others

• Discipline feels lack of trust toward others; Inconsistent and believes life is unfair

Beliefs when Discouraged

PARENT CHILD

• Discouraged becomes cynical about life and people and very pessimistic

• Deny feelings learns to cover up their feelings or deny their anger & frustrations

• Competition tends to be anxious, tries to be the “best worst”; and is afraid

to try unless success is guaranteed

Beliefs when Encouraged

PARENT CHILD

• Independent self-reliant and interacts with others

• Respectful has behavior that is responsible

• Acceptance develops positive self-worth

• Equality appreciates their self and others

Beliefs when Encouraged

PARENT CHILD

• Is Fair has a sense of justice for everyone

• Realistic sets realistic goals; believes in self

• Confidence believes in their ability to succeed

• Discipline trusts self and others; sees life as fair Consistent

Beliefs when Encouraged

PARENT CHILD

• Encouraged optimistic about life and can see the possibilities/potential

• Feelings Expresses and is not afraid of their own or the feelings of others

• Cooperation has varied social interests. Shares in give and take, new experiences and accepts consequences of choices

PROBLEM SOLVING STRATEGIES

This section is used mainly for when you’re having a family meeting to resolve family issues, not individual. Dealing with individual issues will be discussed later.

Problem Solve

ASK YOURSELF . . .

• What was the situation?

• What did I do in response?

• What changed in situation/person?

• What could I do different next time?

• What did I learn from the experience?

The situation

What, where, when and who was present?

• What: family meeting

• Where: we were at home

• When: Wednesday after dinner

• Who: all four of us were present:

myself, my wife, both

daughters

Specific event

We were discussing how to handle the meeting when it turned into an argument

• Mary wanted to talk about her friends

• Aliesha wanted to talk about her school

• My wife looked angry; never said anything

• I wanted it to be fun; it turned into a battle.

To React or To Respond

A reaction is emotional and often unreasonable.

A response is usually thoughtful and reasonable.

• Reaction: I blew up and yelled at the kids and sent them to their rooms.

• Response: I listened to what each one said, and decided if we took things in order we

would have time to hear everyone.

What changed?

I noticed a change in

• Reaction: Nothing changed; both kids went to

their room and my wife and I argued

about whose fault it was.

• Response: We had a discussion. Nothing was

settled, but we each felt like we had

been heard and that felt great.

What could be done?

Next time I could

• Reaction: I could listen to each person so they

each have a say in the situation.

• Response: I could resolve at least one problem

and not leave it hanging.

What did I learn?

I learned

• Reaction: I learned that an emotional reaction

to an argument settles nothing

• Response: I learned that taking time to listen

and respond calmly could make

a big difference

Understanding

Now you understand the difference between reacting and responding to a situation.

Understanding the “why” of difficult behavior often motivates us to change our ways.

AttentionBehaviorClown around; minor mischief; wear unique clothing;

forget their responsibilities (homework, other)

You Feel or React by . . .Annoyed and remind or coax them to “go and do it.”

Instead . . .Don’t give attention for poor behavior; later, give a hug

when not acting out or ask, “What is it you need?”This way they don’t learn to act out to get attention.

Power and Control

BehaviorAggressive, defy, disobey, hostile, stubborn, resistant

You Feel or React by . . .Get angry; feel provoked. Fight “fire with fire”; give in

Instead . . .Do not give attention by fighting or giving in to them.

Give choices and remain calm and reasonable.

Revenge

BehaviorHurtful, rude, destructive, they stare hurtfully at you

You Feel or React by . . .Deeply hurt by their behavior; may retaliate to get even

Instead . . .Don’t take it personal; don’t retaliation; set firm limits;

and give them reasonable choices

InadequacyBehaviorQuits easily, avoid trying, truant, drop out of school,

use drugs to escape feelings of inadequacy

You Feel or React by . . .Despair, feel hopeless. Agree that they are hopeless

Instead . . .Give and let them make choices; show confidence in

their ability to make responsible choices

Problem Prevention

IMPORTANT: Once the difficult behavior has been dealt with, return to the first ‘Instead’ and give the person the needed attention – love -- 2-3 Xs a day when they are not acting out!

Give them a smile or a hug and say something nice “You look like you’re enjoying yourself” – etc.

One or all of these types of response can help to prevent future behavior problems.

DEALING WITH DISCIPLINE

Problem Prevention

We all need attention. Attention = Love Give people/ children needed time and

attention: a few minutes, 3 or 4 Xs a day. Space it throughout the day

Before and right after school/work Afternoon/evening resolve issues

and at bedtime; prayer and praise Week-ends have time together with

ALL of you as a family.

PROBLEM SESSION THE FOLLOWING are suggestions for

managing problems when they come up.

One for one plan

one person at a time

one problem at a time

one step at a time until resolved

Parent-Child Plan

Discussion and Goal Setting

Discuss to understand expectations

Planned practice of behavior, if needed

Self-monitor and taking responsibility

Daily discussion for praise and prayer

Time management; buddy system for children

THE PLAN

Remember . . .

Keep it super simple

Handle one person at a time

and one problem at a time and

Never complain or explain yourself

(you do not need to apologize or placate).

Instead . . .

1. BE PREPARED Know what you want to discuss, then stick

with what you decide on.

Don't let them change the focus on you

Stick with the topic under discussion and be firm about what you have to say

Speak with authority (confidence), not anger or arrogance (selfish pride)

2. THE PROBLEM State your view on the problem Describe their behavior only

“I saw or heard you … when I was..." Describe how you felt at the time

“When I see/hear .… it seems like ….“ Never start out with “You always … etc.” They may deny or try to confuse the

issue by blaming you for the problem

3. LISTEN Listen to what they have to say

Do not interrupt until they are finished

Don't say one word to defend yourself if they accuse you of whatever

Be honest and fair, but don't excuse their behavior, or what you may have done

Paraphrase to clarify for understanding (repeat in your own words what you heard)

4. CIRCUMSTANCES

Consider unusual situations without using it to excuse their behavior

there may have been a change in events that were beyond their control

they didn't have had enough information or skills to do the task

they may have had personal problems that created excess stress

5. ALTERNATIVES Look for a solution for both of you

Ask them to help you find a solution

Honestly consider their ideas

Paraphrase what they have to say for greater clarity and understanding

Ask them to paraphrase what they hear so they know they understand you

6. AGREEMENT Strive to agree on a solution

Put it in writing and both of you sign it

You may have to negotiate some things to reach a mutual agreement

However, never compromise your values!

Be sure it's something you both agree on

7. A PLANOnce you reach an agreement

Design a plan of actionHow will it get done?

Who will do what?

What will happen if either of you don't do your part (the consequences)?

8. VISUALIZE Be sure both of you know the outcome

when the task is accomplished.

Ask: “What is the plan?”

“What will you do?”

“How will you do it?”

Apples and strawberries may both be red, but they are

also very different fruits.

9. FOLLOW UP

Follow up and Be sure everything is done as agreed. This simply makes good sense and it builds trust as well.

They will know you care enough to give the situation your valuable time and energy

10. CONSEQUENCES

Discuss penalty if task is not done. Decide ahead and write it down, then

Be sure you follow through here as well.With adults, ideally, this is not an issue,

depending on the person.But in abuse situations the penalty for not

following through might be police action

NEXT Let’s look at a plan designed for change

BEHAVIOR PLAN 1. Describe problem and/or behavior.

Clothes lay about _______. Attitude/behavior is ______

2. Be specific about problem (what, when, where) Daily ________ needs reminding to pick up clothes, etc..

3. Describe acceptable behavior you agree on Clothes are picked up daily before _________________

4. Consequences for behavior that goes unchanged (Child) No friends over, and loses ______ for __ hrs/days

WRITTEN AGREEMENT Date ________ Name _________________________

1. I will increase positive behavior by ________________.

2. I will appropriately ask for needed help by__________.

3. I will manage conflict by ______ instead of ________.

4. I won't disturb others, or do anything designed to get

negative attention for myself.

Signed _________________/_________________

OTHER Goals for Improvement Talk with the person and write one goal per line

Use the behavior improvement plan for a child

Have the child work on the goals one at a time

You can use this for your own personal goals!

When we try to take on too much at once, often we feel overwhelmed, fail and stop trying.

So, take things slow and give yourself a break.

RATING SCALE1 = needs help 2 = some progress 3 = improved

4 = much improved 5 = well done

Child / Parent

Morning 1 2 3 4 5 / 1 2 3 4 5

Afternoon 1 2 3 4 5 / 1 2 3 4 5

Evening 1 2 3 4 5 / 1 2 3 4 5

1. Goal 1 2 3 4 5 / 1 2 3 4 5

2. Goal 1 2 3 4 5 / 1 2 3 4 5

Discuss daily. Share conflicts with counselor

STRATEGIES LIST

CONSEQUENCES the PARENTS GIVE

HOW FAMILY MEMBERS CAN HELP

AND

HOW CHILDREN CAN PLAY A PART

STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS

Consequences given by the parents:

Verbal reprimand Time Outs

Financial Restitution Behavior Plan

Child Writes Plan Restrict Privileges

Unpleasant Work Home Confinement

Family Members Response• Discussion• Practice Behavior• Weekly Conference• Support Person• Teach Social Skills• Skill Training• Positive Self-talk• Interact with those• in Authority

• Goal Setting• Write a Contract• Daily Debrief /w child• Tutor (school tasks)• Have Healthy Friends• Relax & visualization• Video for self-image• Encourage Parents

who need it too

Manage Difficult Behavior

Years ago, I worked for a mental health facility that dealt with violent youth offenders. These boys were taught needed behavior change through consistent care employed on a daily basis.

The following methods were used successfully with these young men to modify their behavior.

CONSEQUENCES Natural & Logical

Situation Consequence

1. Late going to bed Tired next morning

2. Radio not turned Loss of radio 24 hrs

3. Swear, aggressive Request redirect selfor lose privileges

4. Negative Activity Lose activity for 24 hr

5. Not do their chores No friends over or visitors; not go outside until done

Give them a Choice "You can turn down the radio right now, or

lose it for the next 24 hours."

"You can stop watching that show now or lose the television for the next 24 hours."

"You can do chores or stay inside without your friends until the chores are done."

“You can go outside with your friends after the kitchen (or other chores) are done.

REBELLION The child replies, "You can't make me." TELL THEM "You can give up (game or TV)

now, or lose it for the next 36 hours.“ And the child says, “Go ahead. I don’t care." TELL THEM "You can give up (game or TV)

now, or lose it for the next 48 hours." ALWAYS DOCUMENT consequences so you

can follow through and know the results.

REBELLION REMEMBER--IT'S THEIR CHOICE

"You can give up____________ now, or lose ______ for _____ hrs/days.”

“You can complete (self care, brush teeth etc) or stay in your room until you do.”

This way THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE for the choices they make and the consequences!

This model worked quite well in helping these teens adjust to a new and healthier way of life.

REC CHART FOR WEEK OF ______

Put the chart so you can refer to it, daily, then do what you say and always follow through!

Sun To movies (age appropriate) Mon Rent Nintendo game (non-violent) Tue Grocery shop or Library with ____ Wed Arcades or shop at Mall with ____ Thurs Thanksgiving with family or _____ Fri Rent movie, or go to the movies Sat Trip to the zoo or a museum

RECREATIONAL OUTINGS Once they consistently modify their behavior for

a period of time, relax restrictions, slo-o-w-ly.

Gradually allow greater freedom the greater their compliance with accepted behavior.

If they start having problems again, you should tighten the restrictions immediately.

Never compromise on what you know is right!

HELPFUL REMINDERS 1. Have a weekly recreational schedule only

when their behavior is in compliance. 2. All personal needs must be completed or

give consequences, as appropriate. 3. On outing they stay in sight at all times or

give them consequences as needed. 4. If uncooperative and not redirect behavior

bring them home immediately. 5. If obeying, give positive feedback immediately;

Ex: “Great job. I like how you handled yourself”

A STITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE1. Taking the time to show the child you care

saves you time down the road.

2. To be successful in altering problem behavior requires time and effort.

3. You have to put your home and family first, before anything else, even your job.

4. Know that you are turning your child into a mature adult loved by God and others.

SIMPLE COOPERATION LOG (1) needs help (2) Made effort (3) Finished

Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa SELF-CARE Brush teeth __ __ __ __ __ __ __ Daily shower __ __ __ __ __ __ __ EDUCATION Homework done __ __ __ __ __ __ __ Attend school __ __ __ __ __ __ __ CHORE LIST Wash dishes __ __ __ __ __ __ __

HOUSEHOLD CHORES

CHORES - SHORT & LONG Assign Chores According to Age

Small Children = Simple Tasks Older Children = More Complex Tasks That

Challenge Them The First Time You Give a New Chore, Teach the

Child How to Do it Let Them to Do it "Their Way" It Should Not matter,

As Long as it Gets Done This Is How They Develop Creativity

CHORES

SHORT CHORES Scrub stove burners Clean toilet bowl Empty dishwasher Clean tub or shower Clean garbage cans Wipe kitchen cabinets Pick up yard litter

Clean kitchen/bath sinks Wash ____ dishes Help with ironing clothes

Clean bathroom mirror

Sweep front & back walk

Clean kitchen cabinets

Sweep garage out

Clean refrigerator

Defrost freezer

Polish wood furniture

Scrub kitchen/bath floor

Water house plants

Weed outdoor plants

LONG CHORES

Wash windows

Scrub outside of pans

Chop wood / stack it

Mow lawn

Clean bathroom tiles

Rake leaves in yard

List the chores children are required to do, then list those you would like them to do (these should be optional).

Wash outside of house

Edge the lawn grass

Clean the window sills

Pull weeds in garden

Clean rain gutters

Clean the oven

REQUIRED CHORES (trade off value)

"If I wash the dishes for you Monday 1/22, you will clean the sink for me Tuesday 1/23."

WRITE IT DOWN and SIGN IT.

SAMPLE:

If I ___________________ for you, on _______ you will __________________ for me on ________."

Signed ______________________ Date ____

Signed ______________________ Date ____

DISCIPLINE with LOVE LOVE IS patient and kind,

Love is never jealous, envious, selfish or rude

Love does not demand it's own way and is not touchy

Love doesn't hold a grudge and hardly notices when someone does them wrong

Love rejoices in the truth and not in the unjust

If you love someone, you are always loyal, defend them, always believe in them and expect the best of them.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Doctrine of the Cross

Brandy Ann Coffee Marks, M.Ed., D.R.S.

Biblical Counselor and Ordained Minister

Vancouver Washington

(360) 772-1462

brandyancoffee@gmail.com

THE END