family matters

FAMILY MATTERS How to Stop Scapegoating a Family Member

Q: My husband Les and I have two children: Liam - age 7 and a

daughter, Janis - age 5. Recently, I’ve noticed that Les, Janis and I

appear to be giving Liam an awfully hard time. No matter what he

does, it isn’t quite right. We seem to always be disappointed in his

behavior.

Last Saturday, he was so difficult! I finally told him to “stop whining” and

I wasn’t very nice about it. Then, on Sunday, Janis was saying to Les,

“Daddy, Liam’s whining again! Make him stop!”

Even Les got into the act by getting on Liam’s case for expressing

disappointment that he had to stop playing outdoors and come in to

eat dinner. Les spoke to Liam in a loud and angry voice, “Liam, don’t

start! You know you have to eat something! Get in the house right now!”

I don’t know how this has happened—all of us seem so against Liam.

I’m hoping we haven’t already damaged Liam’s self-esteem. Why is this

happening?

A: Sometimes, family members develop less-than-helpful patterns of relating together over time. They may not even be aware that the family

1Philip Higginson Copyright ©2012 http://philiphigginson.com

http://www.philiphigginson.com

is slowly and quite unconsciously developing a “group grudge” against another family member.

When a child exhibits behaviors that frustrate others, how parents react consistently can lead others in the house, including the kids, to follow suit.

As everyone in the house joins the bandwagon of being upset with whomever the target of their frustrations is, that “target” begins to take on the role of the family member who’s “always messing up.” Thus, the difficulties in the family grow and grow and family members become more rooted in those troublesome roles.

At that time, parents might be more receptive to recognizing what’s going on — that a particular child is being given an extra hard time by everyone else.

Termed, “scapegoating,” these continuing responses by family members can become habit and wear away the self-esteem and self-confidence of the family member that’s being emotionally mistreated.

Although the root of such scapegoating is often difficult to identify, it’s safe to say that the child who is being scapegoated may sometimes demonstrate behaviors that are irritating or troublesome to others. If the adults in the house react negatively or not helpfully, over time, everyone in the family essentially, “gets in on the act.”

Q: What should I do to try to get the situation under control? We need to stop scapegoating Liam.

FAMILY MATTERS – How to Stop Scapegoating a Family Member

2Philip Higginson Copyright ©2012 http://philiphigginson.com

http://www.philiphigginson.com

A: Good for you that you’re willing to confront your own feelings and take steps to end the scapegoating!

You will be doing Liam a great favor by ensuring the troublesome ways of relating in the family come to an end.

Step one is to talk with your husband about your concerns about what’s going on. Own up to what your own behaviors have been.

Let him know you now see what you’ve been doing. Say you’re going to take every action to cease speaking in a negative tone of voice directly to Liam or about Liam to your other child and that you’d like him to do the same.

Also, it’s time to identify any troublesome behaviors Liam shows that may be triggering you and other family members’ negative responses.

Ask yourself if he’s actually doing anything that requires correction on your part. Does he use whining whenever he’s upset or wanting something? Is he throwing tantrums?

Addressing difficult behaviors one by one is the best way to assist kids in displaying more acceptable behaviors. This way, you can provide Liam with specific feedback about troublesome behaviors and reinforce the behaviors you want from him.

If you appropriately deal with Liam and his pesky behaviors, you’ll be doing him and the family a great favor.

3


Philip Higginson Copyright ©2012 http://philiphigginson.com

http://www.philiphigginson.com/

Q: Okay. I get it. If Liam displays attitudes or actions I don’t like, I need to specifically work with him on those. He’ll do less of those frustrating behaviors and Les and I won’t get as irritated with him.

But what should I do about Janis? She’s only 5 years old and she’s showing signs of frustration toward Liam already! How should I handle her reactions?

A: The good news is that Janis might be modeling the behaviors and reactions of the adults in the house. Thus, if you begin to demonstrate more caring and less negative feelings toward Liam, Janis will hopefully do the same.

When the two of you avoid displaying any over-reactions, irritated voice tones or largely negative responses toward Liam, Janis will follow suit. She’ll be less likely to demonstrate similar reactions in the future.

You and Les can stop the scapegoating by demonstrating more patience and less frustration toward Liam. It’s best to ignore Janis’ occasional negative responses toward Liam unless they’re prolonged or repetitive.

In those cases, if Janis continues to be verbally expressive of strong negative feelings about or toward Liam, it’s recommended that you and Les calmly tell her that her response is unacceptable and that she must stop making such statements about Liam or else a consequence will follow.

4




Q: What can we do to ensure Liam’s self-esteem is intact?

A: You’ll have a number of opportunities every single day to pump up Liam’s feelings about himself. When he’s getting dressed for breakfast, brushing his hair or doing a small task as you asked, take the time to compliment him on his efforts.

When you speak to Liam, make eye contact with him and call him by name. Show that you have a genuine interest in his life. What does he like to do? Do it with him. Spending just a bit of quality time with him every single day will go a long way to ensuring Liam will feel good about himself.

Kids believe that if their parents love them, then they must be lovable. Demonstrate your love through spending time understanding Liam’s television shows, games and other interests. He’ll see he’s a worthwhile person.

Give Liam lots of positive praise and comments for behaviors and things he does well. Plus, providing frequent emotional support will help him gain confidence and develop a more positive view of the world.

When you display more positivity toward Liam, Janis is bound to observe and hear these uplifting exchanges and will hopefully begin to focus less on Liam’s less acceptable behaviors. Thus, Janis’ unhelpful reactions will eventually fizzle out, paving the way for Liam’s self-esteem to continue blooming.

5




Q: How can Les and I make sure this never happens again — that we don’t begin scapegoating either of the kids in the future?

As a parent, it’s tough to keep all the balls in the air. Work, taking care of the home, looking after your own health and the health of your kids all take a lot of time and effort. Things get by you when you’re that busy and then these types of challenging situations result.

It’s a good idea for you and Les to talk every week or even more often about how you think each of the kids are doing. Tune in to the kids’ social development, communication skills and daily habits. Notice how they relate to each other and to you.

Keep in mind that one of your goals is to ensure that both kids are treated with tact and appropriate discipline if necessary. Another goal is to promote positive relations between Liam and Janis.

Recognize the impact of how you and Les respond to each of the kids. Make a pact that you’ll each talk to the other, should either of you exhibit signs of continuing frustration or negativity toward either child.

Knowing you have each other to lean on to keep you in check with the kids during times of stress will ensure there will be no more scapegoating in your family.

6




family matters

Documents