Family Roles & RelationshipsDecember 5, 2012

Stats

 0-2 Family Dinners/

Week

5-7 Family

Dinners/Week

Alcohol 47% 30%Cigarettes 26% 10%Marijuana 25% 8%Rx Drugs 7% 2%

Other 7% 2%

0 47% of 12- to 17-year-olds who have used substances report that they never attend religious services

0 Children who have a negative relationship with their fathers are more likely to use substances than children from single-parent households

0 Most teens who do not use marijuana say the key factor in their decision not to use is their mother

Percentage of 12- to 17-Year-Olds Who Have Used Substances

Rules in an Unhealthy Family

0The negative behavior is the most important thing in the family life.

0The behavior is not the cause of family problems – denial is.

0Blaming others, ignoring the issue, covering up, alibis, loyalty to family enables.

0Nobody may discuss problem outside the family.

0Nobody says what they feel or think.

Rules in a Healthy Family

0Self-worth is high.0Communication is direct, clear, specific and

honest and feelings are expressed.0Roles are flexible and appropriate.0Each person has goals and plans to get there,

and is supported by the family.0Consequences are clear and appropriate

The Victim

0The world revolves around this person when the family seeks help

0Strengths: Fun, charming, problem-solver, resourceful0Deficits: Hostile, manipulative, aggressive, self-pitying,

blaming0Core belief: “If I ___________, I won’t have to deal with

these feelings.”

The Caretaker/Enabler

0Tries to keep everyone in the family happy and will make excuses for poor behavior

0Strengths: caring, empathic, good listener, sensitive to others, compassionate

0Deficits: denies personal needs, tolerates inappropriate behavior, fears conflict, guilt, anxious

0Core belief: “If I take care of you, you won’t leave me.”

The Lost Child

0The “out of the way” family member that tries not to rock the boat

0Strengths: independent, flexible, easygoing attitude0Deficits: unable to initiate, withdraws, indecisive,

difficulty perceiving options, lacks direction0Core belief: “If I don’t get emotionally involved, I won’t

get hurt.”

The Scapegoat

0Acts out in front of others to draw attention away from the person truly suffering

0Strengths: creative, honest, sense of humor, understands own feelings

0Deficits: inappropriate expression of feelings, self-destructive, irresponsible, underachiever, defiant

0Core belief: “If I scream loud enough, someone might pay attention.”

The Clown/Distracter

0They often bring harmful humor into the family, making recovery more difficult

0Strengths: sense of humor, flexible, ability to make others feel better

0Deficits: attention seeker, immature, difficulty focusing, poor decision making

0Core belief: “If I can make them laugh, there is no pain.”

The Hero

0Tries hard to make other members of the family “look good”

0Strengths: successful, organized, decisive, self-disciplined

0Deficits: Perfectionist, inability to relax, inflexible, fears mistakes, needs to be in control

0Core belief: “If I don’t do this, nobody will.”

Communication Continuum

Aggressive

0 Involves manipulation. 0Attempt to make people do what we want by

inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and control (anger)

0Covert or overt, we simply want our needs met - and right now!

0 Although there are a few arenas where aggressive behavior is called for (football, war), it will never work in a relationship

0 Ironically, the more aggressive sports rely heavily on team members and rational coaches

Passive

0Based on compliance and hopes to avoid confrontation at all costs

0Don't talk much, question even less, and actually do very little

0Don't want to rock the boat0Passives have learned that it is safer not to react and

better to disappear than to stand up and be noticed

Passive Aggressive

0Passive-aggressive passives avoids direct confrontation

0Passive-aggressive aggressives attempts to get even through manipulation

0Overt passive aggressiveness - using sarcasm0Covert passive aggressiveness – consistently showing

up late for class, dinner, etc.

Assertive

0When you are expressing your feelings, wants and needs clearly and without manipulation

0The most effective and healthiest form of communication

0 It's how we naturally express ourselves when our self-esteem is intact

0Cares about the relationship and strives for a win/win situation

0Establishes and maintains healthy boundaries

Communication Clearings

0When I heard/saw you…(concrete behavior)0I feel…(ownership of feelings)0The story I make up….

(ownership of thoughts, ideas, and judgments)0I ask… (request for change)

Triangulation

0Dyads are inherently unstable as two people will vacillate between closeness and distance.

0When distressed, they will seek a third person to triangulate.

0You and your significant other get in a fight.  Who do you talk to?  Are they being triangulated?

Parenting Styles

0Authoritarian: highly demanding, controlling, discourage two-sided communication

0Permissive: allow their children to take care of themselves as much as they can, don’t make demands or set limits

0Uninvolved (laissez-faire): neglectful or rejecting-neglecting

0Authoritative: high acceptance, moderate demands, set firm guidelines

Why does it matter?

0Authoritarian: children are obedient and proficient, but lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.

0Permissive: low in happiness and self-regulation. Problems with authority and perform poorly in school.

0Uninvolved: children lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent that their peers.

0Authoritative: children are happy, capable and successful.

“Check Your Baggage”

0What might be influencing the parenting choices you make?

0What were your parents’ parenting styles?0What role did you play in your family of origin?0How might your fears and anxieties affect your

parenting decisions?

Contact

o Jill Ahrens, Choices Counselor: (713) 512-3481, jahrens@ehshouston.org

oBeth Fowler, School Psychologist:(713) 512-3404, bfowler@ehshouston.org

oAdam Greene, Dean of Spiritual Life: (713) 512-3409, agreene@ehshouston.org

o Lauren Weiner, Choices Intern: lweiner@ehshouston.org