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Praise For Farang

‘[Corness] ... warrants high praise for sticking to the high road in “Farang”. This enjoyable, 330-page ride on a three-wheeled cuttlefish cart dodges most of the potholes that cripple most foreigners books about Thailand. The ones that are unavoidable are negotiated with the even temper of an old hand.’

- Paul Dorsey, Daily XPress

‘Like all good doctors and authors, Dr Iain Corness provides comfort for the aches and pains of ex-pat life. He chronicles the frustration and misunderstandings that go hand in hand with applying for a house loan, to getting married or buried, illustrating them in a series of delightful and insightful stories that will amuse, inform and stimulate anyone who has ever travelled to or settled down to live in Thailand. Finding the right balance between your own values and adapting to those in a foreign land is never easy, but the good doctor has written a prescription that is not hard to swallow: it requires a large dollop of humour mixed with a portion of patience, and a teaspoon of goodwill. Having read the stories, I am feeling better already.’

- Christopher G. Moore, author of the critically acclaimed and best-selling Land of Sunshine trilogy

‘If anyone was equipped to write a series of short stories on life in Thailand from the perspective of the farang, it must surely be Dr Iain Corness. No detail of Thai life—big or small—escapes the good doctor’s microscopic examination in his wickedly funny musings on ex-pat life. What makes his stories so compelling is his gentle understanding and

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good humour, recounting examples of the idiosyncrasies and frustrations faced and felt by many western visitors when they first come to Thailand. I could not stop laughing or nodding in agreement as I enjoyed his delightful and insightful stories.’

- Gary Stubbs, Queensland Business Acumen magazine

‘This book highlights so many of the wonderful differences of living as an ex-pat. Dr Iain Corness, the farang in this book, takes you through these differences with a self deprecating humour, but you can see yourself in the same situations. A genuinely insightful look at our lives, portrayed in a very witty fashion.’

- Graham Macdonald, Vice-Chairman, British Chamber of Commerce, Thailand

‘Ripper yarns with an Asian twist—focused wit and original wisdom from the Doc who has done most things, all successfully.’

- John Weinthal, Writer and Broadcaster, Kuala Lumpur

‘Not only does Dr Iain see the things that make up Thailand, but he experiences them as well, bringing up unseen aspects and presenting them to the reader in a very humorous way.’

- Lang Reid, Chiangmai Mail

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FarangThe Sequel

Dr Iain Corness

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Every effort has been made to contact the copyright holders of material reproduced in this text. In cases where these efforts have been unsuccessful, the copyright holders are asked to contact the publishers directly.

All pictures provided courtesy of the author, except where stated.

PuBLISHED By MAVERICK HouSE PuBLISHERS.

Maverick House Publishers, office 19, Dunboyne Business Park, Dunboyne, Co. Meath, Ireland.

info@maverickhouse.comhttp://www.maverickhouse.com

ISBN: 978-1-905379-63-7

Copyright for text © 2009 Dr Iain Corness.Copyright for typesetting, editing, layout, design © Maverick House.

5 4 3 2 1

The paper used in this book comes from wood pulp of managed forests. For every tree felled, at least one tree is planted, thereby renewing natural resources.

The moral rights of the author have been asserted.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review written for insertion in a newspaper, magazine or broadcast.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

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This book is dedicated to the three generations of women in my life.

My dear old Mum, 92 years old as I write this and has put up with me for 68 of them.

My lovely wife Som, who has already put up with me for eight years of her life, and hopefully will for another 30.

My wonderful daughter Marisa, who I hope will understand her father for many years yet, provided I release enough fish (the answer is inside this book)!

Dedication

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It is customary to thank all kinds of people who have helped in the writing and publishing of any book. I am no different, and I do believe I have a debt of gratitude to many people.

I must start with my publishers, Maverick House, especially Jean and John, who had faith in me. John did warn me that unless my name was JK Rowling or Dan Brown, I was never going to make a fortune as an author. I did suggest that I change my name to John Kenneth Rowling, but I was ignored. So be it. But I have to say it is fun to see your name on the front of a book!

There are also many people who had suggested topics for this new book and I do thank you.

of course, there is my lovely Thai wife Som, who patiently explained much of the intricacies of Thai society and customs, but still wonders why they would be of interest to the western reader.

Acknowledgements

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Finally, there were all those people who read the first book, who went out of their way to tell me that it had entertained and even inspired them. That, probably more than any other reason, inspired me to continue writing. I thank you all.

Iain CornessPattaya, Thailand, 2009.

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Contents

Introduction 11Karaoke 13An Admiral at the elevator 17The bicycles 22A nation of shopkeepers 27Thailand’s cost of living 33Toilets 39Land of smiles, or land of contradictions? 45Hear today—gone tomorrow 50Diets 55The ‘real’ heroes 61A night out with the boys 67Alzheimer’s, and why I don’t have to worry 72Being an atheist in a Buddhist country 77The price of Thai virginity 84The Tuk-Tuk and the flamethrower 89Thailand—the world’s kitchen 94Buying a new car—Thai style 100Being yourself 105Thailand—a great place to die? 109How I invented alternative fuels 114Driving in Thailand 1192,000 monks, 30,000 locals and one atheist 126World peace and bouncy castles 131

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Education in Thailand 135Releasing fish 142Bob the builder 146An accidental meeting (or three) 152The state of emergency 159Gik karaoke bar 165Two wheels and no brakes 169Siamese twins 174Will we all survive? 180Another Valentino Rossi? 186A touch of magic 191News today—chip wrappers tomorrow 196Base jumping without a parachute 201Eat your way to good health? 206Motor shows in Thailand 211Good karma 216Marrying the family 220Thrills and spills 224The village birthday party 228Dining out 232In search of nationality 236The big fish in a small pond syndrome 242Dining out & recipes 249

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When I wrote the first ‘Farang’ book, I had no thoughts of writing another. Getting a book published was the same sort of thing as riding a bicycle. once you had mastered the art of two wheeling riding and remaining upright, you didn’t have to do it again. That was how I thought of being an author.

I have to say I was more than delighted by the reception received by that first book. Even when I had the first copy in my hands, it was still somewhat unbelievable.

The first week I saw the book as the number one bestseller, I couldn’t believe it. I rushed out with a camera and took a photograph of the earth shattering occasion. Not just a book, but a bestseller as well.

When it went into the first reprint, I knew it had hit a popular nerve somewhere with the farang population, and I began to get questions as to when the next one was coming out, followed by the official request from

Introduction

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my publisher, Maverick House, to begin writing again. I signed the contract in May 2008 and began writing, and so you now hold ‘Farang the Sequel’, thank you for buying it and I hope you like it.

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In the first ‘Farang’ book I claimed that karaoke was Japan’s revenge for WWII. Although it might seem controversial, I still adhere to that theory. Listening to karaoke is pure torture of the ears and nothing else could possibly come close to it.

unfortunately for me, in Thailand it is so popular that it has become an almost compulsory social practice. At the end of any function, the karaoke machine is dragged out and some chap, several sheets to the wind, gets up on stage to thunderous applause and shrieks of encouragement to emulate Frank Sinatra with an out of tune version of ‘My Way’.

However, it doesn’t end there. More misguided souls will then rush to the stage and present the warbler with roses, followed by more enthusiastic shrieks from the audience, and so he begins to sing again. I have always been very against applauding, it only encourages them. This is definitely cringe material.

Karaoke

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Karaoke and its compulsory nature in Thai society was really brought home the other day when it was announced that the hospital was going to put on a dinner for the doctors at a well-known hotel. The director of the hospital himself even gave me a personal invitation. How could I refuse? There was, however, one catch. After dinner there would be a karaoke session, and every doctor was expected to give a performance. A party piece. I hadn’t been involved in anything like that since I was eight years old. Whether I liked it or not, I was expected to ‘sing a song’, as the Thais put it.

I began to think of the time I was last on stage to give any sort of performance. I was about 12 and played the part of a legless fighter pilot in the school play. My role consisted of sitting on a wheelchair and exclaiming, ‘Kysh (which was, incidentally, a totally ridiculous name for a man-servant), answer the door.’

I was then shot and the chair and I were wheeled away stage left.

That part, however, didn’t even include the daunting task of singing a song. I considered trying to weasel my way out of this impending croaky karaoke by explaining that I had been allowed to miss choir practice at school because I was tone deaf, and eventually they made my absence compulsory. After some thought I surmised that perhaps my complete lack of singing ability might not be as big a deal as I first feared. In fact, in Thailand it seemed to make me a prime candidate for karaoke performances. Ninety percent of Thai Frank Sinatra impersonators can’t sing either.

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Having accepted the inevitable that I would have to get up on stage and actually sing something, the next problem was finding a song that would possibly be suitable. My lack of experience as a singer means I do not have a bunch of songs in my head and I definitely can’t just pick any one and begin to warble. No, I was going to have to be a little bit smarter than that.

I worked out that if I sang anything that anybody was likely to recognise, my total lack of talent would be excruciatingly obvious. The solution to this would be to sing something Australian, something which had never made top of the Thai pops. Kylie Minogue, Australia’s singing budgie, was definitely not the way to go, but a little known Aussie ballad might just do the trick. It was then I remembered the song ‘The Pub with No Beer.’ This was a song performed by one of Australia’s country and western stars, the late Slim Dusty and stemmed from a true story in WWII in which an outback pub really did run out of beer. In Australia, that would be tantamount to bringing down the government—if it hadn’t been wartime.

Thanks to my friendly neighbourhood search engine, I got the lyrics, and thanks to my memory I could remember the tune. I practised all afternoon and then asked my wife Som if she would come listen to me. Clearing my throat, in the safety of our marital bedroom I began to sing.

Ballad and I passed our first hurdle with a less than enthusiastic response from my wife, but thankfully with no outright jeering. And so, with the words copied

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on to a sheet of paper, I went to the dinner. I had hoped that I would be called very late in the evening, when most people would be tipsy, but I was out of luck. I was down as the third act of the evening. I approached the stage and nervously began my solo performance. I very quickly decided two stanzas of chorus and another five in the middle was far too long, so I hope Slim Dusty would have forgiven me for cutting it down to five in total. The final line of the song, ‘Than to stand in the bar of that pub with no beer,’ rolled off my lips and I beat a hasty retreat stage left before there were too many calls for an encore.

The hospital CEo was waiting as I returned to my seat and congratulated me, saying, ‘you see, that was easy. We’re having another dinner at the end of the year and this time it’s two songs, and one of them has to be from Isaan.’

It is August as I write this. If I practise every day, I might just be able to do it. However, I think I will borrow a concept from the Beijing olympics opening Ceremony and lip-sync it. It could well be an answer to all my karaoke problems.

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