A triumph of minimalist urban landscaping... or just a bit crap?

Boy Racers from Outer Space?

Mia Scherzo

Work will commence on the upgrade to Cherry Tree Park

on the corner of Fitzherbert and Lyon Streets in just over a month’s time. The plan is to reintroduce a set of public stockades and the project is expected to be finished by Christmas.

A well-known local artist has been commissioned to build two stockades. The Council have kindly provided the Chronicle with a few artist impressions (inset above) in which we can see a modern, railway sleeper version of the old wrist-and-neck clamps that were once popular through-out Europe in the Middle Ages. As one Councillor explained, “It’s important to depict Featherston in a modern, progressive light and not as some god-forsaken backwater and we feel that the fresh new design of these stock-ades really says this. We want to give a good impression to the many visi-tors to the region each year. We want them to see that we are community-oriented and innovative.”

With the new apparatus in place by

Xmas, it is hoped that the stockades will be in use by the New Year. Initially, the local constabulary plan to use it on petty criminals such as local taggers, shoplifters and vandals although with several new bylaws being ushered through under urgency it is hoped that visitors to the region caught litter-ing from cars will be eligible for spells in the stockades as well. Web cameras

will be installed to allow those unable to attend pub-lic admonishings to be part of the event online through platforms like Facebook.

Local farmer Brian Clough-Smythe of Happy Organics has won the Council-run tender to sup-ply fruit and veg to the park.

The produce will be kept in plastic bins and the public will be able to help themselves to ammunition as they visit the stockades. “It’s great to be part of such a community, grassroots move-ment and it’s also a great way to make use of our slightly degraded produce” says Brian. “We have even put on a few extra crops to cope with the expected demand” confided Brian.

New Public Stockades for Featherston’s Main Street

“It’s important to depict Featherston

in a modern, progressive light, full of community

spirit and not some godforsaken

backwater”

F’town’s Zen GardenWhat do you think should happen next to Featherston’s town centre?

It’s been two years since Trust House transformed the centre of Feather-

ston with their radical and controver-sial minimalist Zen garden. Art expert Jan Groendburgh called it an inspired

nod to Featherston’s historical link with the people of Japan.

Chronicle’s intrepid reporter Rick Temuka takes to the street to ask locals for their thoughts.

» continued Page. 2

More UFO SightingsFor the third time in a year, another strange and mysterious object has been reported in the skies above Featherston

The latest sighting occurred on Sun-day morning around 3am and was

witnessed by Mr Pablo Smythe and Mr Grigor Haszlo who were return-ing home after a quiet evening with friends at the local tavern, the Empire.

» continued Page. 2

Featherston Chronicle

InsIde thIs Issue:

4 Letters to the Editor5 Insight5 From the Archives

6 Horoscope6 Entertainment 7 Cuisine

Everyone loves the UnderdogISSUE 3 VOL. XXI

2 Headline News3 Regional Round-up4 Opinion

7 Culture8 Sports8 Advertisements

Send all your comments, hatemail and lawsuits to:

featherstonchronicle@gmal.com

Headline News Issue 3, Vol. XXI Page 2

We were cutting through the domain when this object

whipped down out of the sky and stopped just above our heads” recalled Mr. Smythe, a long-time Featherston resident currently between jobs.

“It was shaped like a hubcap - like the ones I used to have on my old Vauxhall when they still had them - only this one must’ve been two to three times bigger. It had these two long antennae with balls on the ends and a bunch of flashing green lights around its rim and it made a freaky whirring sound - a lot like that scary sound at the beginning of the Once Were Warriors movie. I remember last year, Old Taffy reckoned he had been pursued home from the pub by some-thing alien like this. It caused him to put his ute in a ditch down Murphy’s Line. He got a hard time from the boys for that but now that I seen [sic] what I seen last night, I don’t know what to believe no more”.

Since the eighties, the New Zealand Aeronautics and Airspace Manage-ment Division has recorded around 25 UFO sightings each year. Fascinatingly, most have never been unexplained. A Government-backed research study completed last year found that as many as 70% of extra-terrestrial sight-ings were reported in the wee hours of the morning and within a two-mile radius of a country pub. Critics of the study have questioned the parti-ality of the Government sponsoring such studies. Both Mr Haszlo and Mr Smythe agree with that sentiment. ‘Of course, the Government would try and play it down. They’ll know what’s going on. They’ve probably cut back room deals with these foreigners to buy our land. The Featherston domain is public and shouldn’t be put into for-eign ownership.’

If you believe you have witnessed a UFO in the Wairarapa, then you should contact the NZAAMD.

UFO Sightings » continued from Front PageChronicle’s Guide to UFO Spotting

We have compiled a list of the most common descriptions featured in UFO eye witness accounts so that you know what to be on the look out for:

Common ShapeS: Circular, Disk, Cigar-shaped, Jumbo-jet shape, Rhombus with ribbon tail, Bird of Prey-shaped

Common Colouring: Silver, Grey, Black, Silvery-gray, Flying Saucer colour. Lights are invariably flashing-green.

Stranger Danger: Be wary of out-of-towners you don’t recognise, especially those asking for directions or asking to be taken to your leader. Watch out for odd char-acters shopping at the Four Square or strangers staring at you in the pub - especially if they are diminutive in stature with green complexions.

Trust House Zen Garden » continued from Front Page

What about erecting a Cordon Blurgh School on the site? It’d do wonders for the region, don’t you think? Has anyone thought of that? There’s nothing but cooking programmes on TV nowadays. I don’t think we can miss. How about Master Chef Featherston? I think Ulli and Tony would make lovely judges.

I’d be quite keen to see a drive-through McDonalds go in there. It’d be a magnet for congregations of bored youths in cars. We really don’t want anything like that bringing down the tone of Greytown so having one in Featherston would be advantageous to us. The South Wairarapa ratepayers of Greytown and Martinborough should rally their voting power to achieve this.

Mate, like, what are you even talking about? What the hell kind of vegetable is a zen any-way? I think they should just asphallt that whole area and let us do some drifts on it and that with our rides. Just leave the liquor store where it is next door. It’d be mean bro.

I believe we should restore Moana Waira-rapa to its former glory and allow it to just flood the whole area. Featherston should be returned to swamp land and handed over to DoC. What the locals lose in the way of falling house prices they’d recoup by selling cap-puccinos and profiteroles at new lake-side cafés designed for feeding weekend-visiting Wellingtonians.

I think the current Zen garden is brilliant. It’s one less place for burglars to burglarise. It’s one less shop to look empty and derelict. The garden is even earthquake-strength-ened which means less of our rates having to spent on propping up dodgy buildings. I can think of a few other properties along the main street that should be turned into Zen gardens as well.

Mr. COX 91Retiree Featherston

Rick Temuka

The new-look heart of Feather-ston has had a few critics since its

installation two years ago. The criti-cism prompted Trust House to pub-lish an open letter in the local rag, the PhOenIX in which they explained why they were sick of Featherstoni-ans bitching and moaning when they should really be thankful for all Trust House had ever done for them.

We take to the streets to hear what folk think about their town centre.

MyndI28 ‘Greenie’ Wellington

CraIg18 Btwn Jobs Featherston

MarIO32Retailer Greytown

Betsy 60 Ratepayer Featherston

You can sleep easy knowing these lads on the job.

Fail, Fail, Fail: Health & Safety risk, Earthquake risk and Leaky.

Regional Round-up Issue 3, Vol. XXI Page 3

Lamb-fighting Season

It’s that time of year again: Spring-time, and unfortunately that means illegal lamb fighting. We are cur-rently investigating several cases of this violent bloodsport and have cause to believe that organised crime and illegal-betting syndicates are becom-ing more involved. Gangs are thought to have been increasingly active in the area raiding paddocks of newly-born lambs in the night. The animals are ‘spiked’ with the dirty by-products of home manufactured drugs so that they become aggressive. They then pair them up in rings to fight to the death. If you have seen anybody strange wor-rying sheep in the area especially dur-ing the hours of darkness, please con-tact your the local police station.

For a Safer Town

The region is well known for its community-spirited folk and so it is no surprise to see that with crime stats on the up in the last few years, peo-ple have rallied to help. In part-nership with the force, we will see two new vigilante groups operate in the Featherston area soon. Inspired by similar outfits in the United States, one group will be modelling itself on the Townsfolk Militias of the Deep South. Their phi-losophy is described as one of ‘firm-ness and fairness’ and central to it is the notion of Pro-active Preventative Justice. In practice, this means that if you are encountered by a night patrol, you will need to provide evidence of who you are and what your business is. The logic here is that if you are a law-biding citizen with nothing to hide then you’ll be more than happy to comply. Being uncooperative or not having a satisfactory reason to be out, will therefore indicate you’re up to no-

good and as such appropriate action will be taken. Such community self-policing has been hugely successful in dropping official crime rates in others countries including Sierra Leone, Iran, Syria, Burma and the United States.

CyberCrime Fighters

The second group will have less of a physical presence on our streets than traditional vigilante groups. Instead, it intends to be more active in the realm of cyberspace using techniques and methods that have been cleared as appropriate after a recent flurry of changes in legislation over the last few years. This will be quite an exciting and innovative venture in the name of citizen safety for our small town. The annex of a local hall will be used to base ‘patrolling’ members and there is a plan to refit a donated van as a mobile unit in the near future. Echoing the ethos of the other vigilante group, there will be a real emphasis on crime prevention. They will use cutting-edge computing technology and equipment to intercept and scan phone lines, air waves and network cables looking for those tell-tale signs of public dis-sent and the intent to cause mayhem or trouble in our community. With

due cause in evi-dence, they can arrange for police or other vigilante patrols to swoop in and take action in order to protect Feath-erston’s citizenry. If you are inter-ested in donating your time and

effort to these valuable community initiatives, please make enquiries at the police station.

Rogue Moons

In other news, we have received several complaints about someone mooning the evening Wairarapa com-muter services as it leaves Featherston travelling north. We are appealing to anyone with information about this to come forward. Descriptions to date reveal that the perpetrators are Euro-pean, hairy and brown-eyed. Please contact the police if you can provide any additional details.

Around the RegionBarr-Brown Subdivision

Submissions have closed on the pro-posal to fell all timber on what is cur-rently known as the Barr-Brown Bush Reserve and to rezone the land as resi-dential, which will allow it to be subdi-vided. When contacted by the Chroni-cle, a Council spokesperson explained that the age and height of many of the trees in the Reserve present a clear danger to those members of the pub-lic that frequent the area. In the inter-ests of health and safety, it is high time that the trees came down. Rezoning is an obvious next step as the area will no longer require reserve status and it would be a shame to see the land not being put to good use.

Another Featherston First

The current retail phenomenon of the ‘Pop Up Shop’ (that is, businesses that spring up overnight in rough-and-ready premises and then disappear weeks or months later just as quickly) was investigated in nZ LIstener last month. It attributed the first appear-ance of pop-up shops to Christchurch after the devastating earthquake of 2011. Instead, it is the Chronicle’s belief that pop-up shops have been appearing and disappearing along Featherston’s main street since well before then. Cafe’s, Takeaways, Toy Stores, Pharmacies, Second-Hand Goods Stores, Guitar Shops, Furniture Stores, Clothing Outlets... one day they’re there, the next they’re gone: pop-up shops by any other name. Chronicle says: ‘Hey! Listener: you should know better. Check your facts! It was First Shop Featherston!’

On the Beat

with Constable Marius

Good Ol’ Boy

with Fred Sampson

Opinion Issue 3, Vol. XXI Page 4

Letters to the Editor

I was having a beer the other day with a couple of my mates John and Rick down at our local after Footy and we got to lamenting the appalling state of things in our nation presently and it seems like there’s a lot to lament - this whole goddam marriage equality thing for starters and then there’s that whole-can’t-smack-your-kids-law thing and then there’s plenty of other things that piss me off too.

First of all, blokes marrying blokes. I mean come on. As red-blooded, church-going males with strong mor-als, all three of us we’re unanimous and goddam outraged at what was playing out here: if some joker wants to get hitched to some other joker, good on them. I can see no reason why it’s anyone else’s goddam busi-ness. What kind of insecure wimp would object? No real man would. I can’t even fathom why it isn’t already legal. Goddam nanny state govern-ment with their social engineering, trying to tell me who I can and can’t marry. Who do they think they are? Our Lord in Heaven who in his own wisdom created both heterosexu-als and homosexuals? Do they think themselves wiser than Him, huh? Goddam naysayers. They piss me off.

And then there was that whole ‘anti-smacking’ law thing. Had a read of that legislation the other day after someone was whining about it to me at the bar. Seemed pretty clear to this old boy: child abuse is a no-no. What’s fricken wrong with that? All these grippers trying to pretend that its about something else, like people being reprimanded for light smacks or some bollocks, that’s just trouble-making. You’ve clearly not under-stood what you’ve read - if you did at all. It’s pretty straightforward what the law says. You can’t physically abuse adults nor should you be allowed to beat up a kid. What kind of political troublemaker would object? No real man would have a problem with such measures. Where I come from, you need to be firm and disciplined on such matters. Those gutless bureau-crats who oppose protecting kids, well... they goddam piss me off.

Today’s YoungMrs. K HigginsonI would just like to say a big thank you to the group of young teen-age boys I encountered outside the Four Square last Friday night. Seeing an old lady like myself struggling with her grocer-ies they were quick to offer me assist-ance. One young man even removed his new hooded sweatshirt and lay it [sic] over a puddle so that I might cross without getting wet. Their man-ners were impeccable and language respectful. There is nothing wrong with Featherston’s youth. I cannot abide by those who constantly com-plain about them.

Big is goodrobert W englisHThe merging of South Wairarapa into a much larger regional council can only be good thing. Financially it makes sense. Just look at Europe for example. Merging into one big Euro-zone has been nothing but a resound-ing success for them and their finan-cial systems. What idiot would argue against that?

O Rly?neveaH saMuelsIm rspndng 2 yr r-tikl ‘Yng cant rite no mor’. O pleez. 8nt nuffink wrng w my spllng. Im 14yrs old & use txt spk heaps. Wot’s wrng w that? Youse r jst

ol fudy dudeez. If it wsnt so $$ 2 snd txts, Id use more lttrs & pnctn. I blame telcos 4 chngin Englsh. Stop chrging us so f#$%^ mch. Wnkrs.

You owe us FarmersDoug DriverI refer to the article in your last issue regarding the current state of the Wair-arapa’s waterways and the extent that the dairy industry has been proven to have played in its worsening. People just don’t get it. They should stop bash-ing farmers, the life-blood of the NZ economy. If it wasn’t for us, we’d be a third world country. People should be stopping us in the street and thanking us for that. So a few rivers get spoilt, a few shitty little native fish species get wiped out - so what? You want to eat meat, don’t you?

Corrections

We apologise for two errors in our last issue.

In the From the Archives sec-tion, the old Danish monarch, King Cnut had an unfortunate misspelling.

Secondly, the MP for Wairarapa who embarrassed himself recently in the House with his small-minded, big-oted rant against same-sex marriage was one Mr. Hayes and not Mr. Gayes as had been reported. The journalist has now been dismissed. Silly Cnut.

Insight Issue 3, Vol. XXI Page 5

Featherston’s Feisty PastMillicent Balmoral

The local duel between Feathers and Wakefield has been well documented. Local historian Milly Balmoral reveals that this wasn’t the only dramatic show-down in Featherston’s pioneering past.

Although it was forbidden by law, settling disputes by way of duel

was not unheard of in the new colony of New Zealand. On a misty autum-nal morning in the year 1893 on the site that is now home to Featherston School, Dr. Edwin Mallard and Mr. William Clough faced off with loaded

pistols in order to resolve the matter of Miss Miri Te Wheke’s besmirched honour. The rules of engagement called for a single shot each to be fired upon and not before the final chime of the town clock had struck six o’clock. Aware of the duel and keen to avoid bloodshed in her name, Miss Te

Wheke had made a prior arrangement with the clock’s custodian to ensure that the sixth chime never sounded. However, her plan was in vain as both Clough and Mallard fired prematurely and simultaneously on the fifth chime, each lodging a pellet in their oppo-nent’s forehead to fatal effect.

From the Archives

Duelling Pistols

Time is Ripe to Declare Our IndependenceDipak Sajagudanduran

The Featherston Independence Move-ment (FIM) has quietly existed for years. With all the recent talk of unifying councils across the region, the group’s membership has skyrocketed. We sent our political reporter DIPAk SAjAGU-DANDURAN along to the Annual General Meeting held recently at the ANZAC Hall to learn more.

My maternal grandfather had been a proud, card-carrying member

of the FIM. Had he been alive today, I think he would’ve been impressed with the turnout at the AGM last Thursday night - impressed, but not sur-prised at this current groundswell of enthusi-asm for the cause. He had always maintained that the full sover-eignty of Featherston was a question of when rather than if.

After a few meeting formalities such as announcing the group’s new treasurer, Juan Sinistra, and reaffirm-ing the actions and minutes from the previous AGM, the agenda moved

onto the main item which was a dis-cussion around a paper previously presented by Joel Petersen regarding tollbooths. His strategy involves set-ting up manned border controls at the main entrances of the town.

Exacting a toll from travellers pass-ing over the Rimutaka Hill will be key to maintaining the town’s coffers. Furthermore, the booths will provide local employment as well as being key to monitoring and reducing criminal activity such as burglaries, larceny and boy racer shenanigans. There would most likely be a tiered system of payment with ratepaying locals being exempt. In general, visitors spe-cifically destined for Featherston will receive generous discounts as opposed to those just wishing to pass through the town who would incur the full toll.

There was some lively discus-sion around whether or not other Wairarapa residents should automatically qualify for dispensations. In the end, a motion was moved and sec-onded that recommended discounts for all other Waira-rapa folk - excluding Grey-

townians who would pay full price. Other items of discussion included

the appropriate styles of self-govern-ment - from Lord and Thrall systems to full blown Communism, the need for an armed defence force, and the pros and cons of a transition by way of bloodless vs. bloody coup.

“Exacting a toll from travellers

passing over the Rimutaka Hill will be key to

maintaining the town’s coffers”

ANZAC HALL: Spiritual home of the Independence Movement

PACKED HOUSE: The AGM in full swing at the ANZAC Hall

PASSPORTS PLEASE: First Stop Featherston

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Entertainment Issue 3, Vol. XXI Page 6

arIes: Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a

giant kumera and fly away.

taurus: Your relationship has been excit-ing, different and a lot of fun, but it may be

time to turn this guy in for the reward money.

geMInI: Sometimes everything seems dark and without hope. When you feel this way,

it’s important to remember that these are just the natural consequences of being realistic.

CanCer: Mercury in retrograde in your sign is a signal that you’re about to be run over by

some guy backing up his Mercury.

LeO: Being bright, handsome, and excep-tionally talented isn’t all that it’s cracked up to

be. So at least you’ve got that going for you.

VIrgO: While it’s true that 2012 is your year, that just means you’re responsible for its

upkeep and maintenance, so you’d really better get going on that.

LIBra: Your inner beauty makes you shine with the light of a thousand stars, which is

appropriate. In broad daylight you’re actually not that impressive.

sCOrPIO: Jupiter has entered your sign, which is usually great, but this time he’ll stay

for at least a week longer than is comfortable, use up all your clean towels and toilet paper, and never offer to pay for a damn thing.

sagIttarIus: You’re not the kind of per-son who’s afraid of a little hard work, which in

today’s corporate world means you’re pretty much buggered.

CaPrICOrn: After several years of endur-ing terrifying and unrelenting psychosexual

nightmares, you will finally meet the man of your dreams.

aQuarIus: You’ll get to know your town a little better over the next few weeks as you

lose your job, get evicted, and wander the streets looking for food and shelter.

PIsCes: This just might be the year when you stop listening to spurious advice and trusting

to fate. Remember to keep checking your horo-scope to make sure.

CHRONICLE CROSSWORD

Across1. Preferred drink of poncy weekend visitors to the

Wairarapa from over the hill (5)5. To rot and crumble, like the main street of a NZ

provincial town (5)7. Closest place for a pint to the Featherston Railway

Station (6)10. Furry inhabitants of Endur (4)11. Tiny word with a massive entry in the dictionary (2)12. Young, milk-fed and delicious seared and then

stewed in red wine (4)13. Featherstonian for ‘Excuse me, please” (2)14. Main crop of pre-European Wairarapa fisherfolk (3)15. Where commuting Featherstonians get hold of read-

ing material (7)17. What a sheep is after 147 days of pregancy (3)18. A long, long way to run (2)20. Local boy racers roll on these (4)22. What Featherstonians watch movies on (2)24. Greek god of horniness (4)25. Between 6:27am and 7:30am each weekday, three of

these appear in Featherston. Sometimes (6)28. You can hear a vinyl one of these playing down at the

Royal Hotel on occasion (5)

Answers on Page 7

Down1. Adjective to describe that particular glance male

patrons of the Empire will shoot you if you are of the opposite sex and ‘last drinks’ has been called (5)

2. Faetherston is one (4)3. A human thing to do (3)4. Local term for any party, BBQ, or booze up (2) 5. Children’s Writer Megamegasuperstar currently in

hiding in Featherston (6)6. A Wellingtonian term for a Featherstonian (5)8. Use this to buy donkeys, ceviche or coca in Peru (4) 9. Local cafe and purveyors of the best Fruit Sourdough

Loaf known to mankind (7)10. Posh name for a secretary (2) 15. Lavendars Green forage these (6)16. Bright flowering native tree endemic to the

Wairarapa (4)17. A synonym for trainspotter (5)19. How Featherston youths keep warm in winter (5)21. Sweet __ (2)23. Romans get wasted on this stuff (4)26. To borrow stuff from someone permanently (3)27. A Featherstonian who has been resident for less than

20 years is referred to as a blow-__ (2)

LOCaL trIVIa QuIZ1. In a recent poll of South Wairarapa residents, Featherstonian’s were notably different from other towns with

their preferred choice of social media and news platform. What was it? 2. Trainspotter question: On July 12, 2006, the 16:25 Wairapapa-to-Wellington service was running late due to

operational reasons. When it passed through Featherston, how many minutes late was it? 5, 7 or 15?3. Who was the only candidate who failed to show up when invited to discuss political issues of concern to

Featherstonians at the 2011 preelection Meet the Candidates night at the Royal Hotel?4. What unfortunate colour combination features on Featherston’s Rugby and Men’s Football uniforms?5. In Te Reo Maori, Featherston is (a) Whakatiki, (b) Te Ara a Remutaka, (c) Kaiwaewae or (d) Awakairangi?

Horrorscopeswith kevina, your local psychic

^

_

a

b

c

d

e

f

g

h

i

`

Answers:1. The 4-square ladies 2. 7 min (6 min & 52 secs) 3. John Hayes 4. Black and Blue 5. (c) Kaiwaewae

Cuisine Issue 3, Vol. XXI Page 7

Culture

Pukeko ConsomméPoppy Beauchamps

Spring is well and truly here and nothing says Spring more to

me more than a piping hot plate of Pukeko soup. This time-honoured recipe from my grandmother, an early pioneer of the Wairarapa, has been used in my family for decades. If you have the mind, the optimal time for catching your Pukeko is after a heady Spring shower when they come off the riverbanks and paddocks and out onto the country roads. Western Lake Road and State Highway 53 to Martinborough are particularly good hunting grounds at this time of year. You should be able to ‘catch’ your bird with little more than a well-aimed ute. Although, if you’re a purist you might prefer to do your hunting with a shot-gun, small throw-net or cricket bat.

For the soup, you will need:

Ingredients

1 large onion, chopped1 carrot, finely diced1 stick of celery, diced1 clove of garlicbouquet garni (seasonal herbs)50g of butter1 generous handful of river gravel1 Pukeko

Preparation

In a large, deep saucepan, sauté the onion in the butter over a medium heat. Once the edges of the onion have browned, add the garlic. Add the aro-matics (carrot and celery). Then add 2 litres of clean water (avoid Waira-rapa river water), throw in the bou-quet garni and bring to the boil. Hav-ing reached boiling point, drop in the gravel and add the plucked Pukeko carcass. These birds are notoriously chewy so the gravel is very important. You may elect to leave the beak and feet attached for a stronger flavour as my Granny used to. Simmer covered for around 5 hours… and you’re done!

When you are ready to plate up, discard the Pukeko and serve the gravel. Bon Appetit!

NEXT ISSUE: Roadkill Possum on a Stick.

Featherston Arts Pansy Mountbatton-Duddings

Gosh, wasn’t the Greytown Arts Festival a real corker! It was just

so, so inspiring! OMG! All that music and crafts and arts and stuff. When it was over, I just couldn’t wait to get to work on our own weekend-long cel-ebration of local artists and artisans. My first task was to oversee the crea-tion of a new Feath-erston Arts logo. Our wee commit-tee commissioned a local designer to come up with something simple yet classy and after a long involved design process, we settled on the logo inset above. It’s quite a serious logo don’t you think? To me, it just oozes seriousness which is really appropriate because art is really serious. I mean everyone

knows that the purpose of art is to ‘expose one-self ’ and when artists look deep inside themselves and they expose themselves I

think that it’s something that we as a society have to take very seriously.

So besides our new wonderful logo what else have the Featherston Arts team been up to? Well, let me tell you! We’ve been thinking about suitable themes for our next festival. There really are so many hot topics we could theme the event around. It was really hard coming to a decision on this one.

We really wanted something unique and exciting based on Featherston itself and not just one of the tired old clichéd themes

associated with our town like railways, PoW massacres and vandalism.

In the end, we decided that the theme should be Wind! You could do so much with this theme as an artist. We were really happy with such an original theme. It was mainly my idea but I don’t mind sharing the credit with the rest of the committee on this one.

So get cracking with those windy ideas all you artists out there in Feath-erston. Only 231 more sleeps until the next Featherston Arts Festival! OMG! Can’t wait!!!

Book Review

Pulp Featherston C k johnson

The third and final instalment of the New Zombieland series by local

author Ngaio Young has just been released by Proudfoot Publishing.

Set in a post-apocolyptic wasteland, we rejoin the adventures of Sammy Wharekowhai who finds herself as the leader of a ragtag army of survivors on a mission to purge the zombie scourge from the Wairarapa. The action picks up in the border town of Featherston where the first task is to stem the tide of undead pouring in over the Rimu-taka hill.

The wanton fragging of politicians and public servants turned zombie might not be for everyone, but for those whose fancy it does tickle, you’re in for a real treat.

NGAIO YOUNGPulP FeatHerston

L A T T E D E C A Y

Crossword Answers

E L Y R O O N O

E M P I R E W O k

R 0 N E A L E

Y O T E E L

L I B A R Y

D U E A F A

W M A G T V R

E R O S R A I N S

E O N I O N E O

B I S O N B R O W N

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Nikolai Kovka vs Featherston’s own Tyrone Fa’alau

Sport Issue 3, Vol. XXI Page 8

Chess Boxing is the perfect blend of brain and brawn, where com-

petitors face off in alternate rounds of chess and boxing. You win by putting your oppo-nent in checkmate or by knocking them out, whichever comes first.

For most of the sport’s short history it has been the ex-Soviet countries and Cuba that have dominated. The first six tourna-ments were won by Russians, Georgians and Cubans - and before the seventh began all smart money would have been on a similar result. Instead, the Wairarapa-born Fa’alau made light work of the early elimination rounds arriving in good shape at the quarter finals. In a gruelling 15 round duel, he surprised many by winning checkmate after going Sicilian Closed (a typically long game) against the powerful Petrov. In the semis, he won by knockout in a vicious encounter with Fernando El

Guapo over a Queen’s Pawn Gambit board. The finals televised live to a worldwide audience of millions, pitted Fa’alau against world No. 1, Nikolai

Kovka, the Musco-vite they call the Bru-tal Genius. The game seemed to be all but done by the 9th round, Kovka just a few moves to complete in the 11th after the interluding Box round but Fa’alau had other plans. In one of the most memorable

and furious rounds seen at the tour-nament, Kovka was so pummelled that he made a mess of what should’ve been a fait accompli and the teacher from Featherston snatched the crown.

Back home, I asked the ever-hum-ble Fa’alau what’s next for the World Champ. “Something local,” he replies. “I’m really keen to set up something for kids in Featherston. I think it could be instrumental in getting more kids interested in maths. It certainly opened doors for me.”

SPORTS IN BRIEF‘Fight the Wife’ Charity Evening

Featherston’s own take on the nation’s popular Fight-for-Life Boxing matches will not be going ahead again this year. Several complaints were made and upheld from concerned domestic vio-lence protection groups. Spokesperson Brad Dagness believed this was another example of a ‘PC world gone mad’; how-ever, he vowed that the event would return next year with a new angle where women would not compete. It will be called the ‘Fight FOR Wife’ Char-ity Match where each losing contestant must forfeit his spouse to the winner.

New Lichen Mascot

Featherston’s Hurling Team will be hop-ing that the adoption of a new team mascot will help turn their fortunes around after slumping to final place in the Wairarapa League for the third year running. “Our previous mascot, the Ter-rifying Tapeworm just wasn’t striking fear into the hearts of our oppositions

as we had hoped.” said club captain Sione Butcher. “Instead, we’ve spent several months whittling down a short-list and decided on the Mighty Lichen. Those splotchy green mould spots are ubiquitous around Featherston and they’re notoriously hard to get rid of; they keep coming back. We thought those were good qualities to aspire to.“

FBPC looking for new members

The Bus Polo Club is looking for sev-eral new members including President, Treasurer, Manager and Coach as well as five new players. Traditionally, a bus polo team numbers five. If you are inter-ested, contact Syd at the FBPC. Please note, new players will be provided with mallets; however, you must provide your own bus. With full insurance.

Feddy’s Chess Boxing king Randy W Fendalton

Barely known in his home country, Featherston math teacher Tyrone Fa’alau has taken the world of Chess Boxing by storm after coming from nowhere to become World Champion at the 7th WCB’s International Tournament in Estonia.

As the ninth round ended, Nikolai was five moves off a checkmate and we both knew it. I

rattled his skull so good in the tenth, that he

forgot what he had to do and fell victim to a simple but fatal fork.

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