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P . O . B o x 2 2 L L 3 - NIIr'ER IN DOUBTN

REPORTs . F . C A 9 4 L 2 2IIOFTEN flV .SRROR

Fe d r Y , 1 9 9 0 Happy Valentines Day!THEY UIGHT BE PRESIDENTSS

GUBER & PETERS HEAD FOR THE OVAL OFFICE

Lights! Camera! Conspiracy! Howts this for a High Concept - an internationalhardware syndicate purchases a major movie studio. The goal to useHoll lnroodrs starmaking machinery to take over the U.S. Presidency. Soundfarfetched? Then, maybe youtre not aware of the implications underlying thepurchase of Columbia Pic tures. I f you th ink Sony paid 3.4 b i l l ion just togrind out Ghostbusters XIV, think again dude! The purchase of Columbia, andthe palnnent of another 500 mil (plus profi t part icipation) to get Guber &Peters is part of an incredible scheme to harness American resources bycommanding the White House. Under the Yetnikoff P7an, (naned after Walter nf

am CBS Recordstf Yetnikoff), Guber & Peters wil l preside over SoftwareAmerica - an overfed chicken endlessly laying the worldrs entertainment andinformation eggs.The ascent of our Co-Presidents fol lows in the path of Ron (tt l 'm An Actor SoThis l4ust Be A I[oviett ) Reagan t s methodical dissection of America I sintel lectual property quitclaim. It was no wonder that Rentable Ronnie gavethe Col,unbid deal his stamp of approval because during his reign of terror,America was: (1) infected with copy-madness and VCR-mania (tt I may not knowrnuch about art, but f know what I ownrr); (2) copyright law was decimated bythe Betamax decision (see ish L4z Beta to the lt lax)t (3) U.S. conputermanufacturers were crippled by foreign chip dumping i (4) art ist ic censorshipwas hidden behind a smokescreen of fundamental moralism; and (5) Americankids were hypnotized via video brainwashing and Licensed merchandise.In the 1-99ors, the l ine between enter ta inment and pol i t ics wi l l f ina l lydisappear. with unlimited f inancial backing, the Gubester and Mr. Funny Girlwill manage the greatest shor,,r of the century the conversion of theU.S. of A. into AmericaWorld, a combination theme park and product, ionfaci l i ty. The consequence wil l be the neutering of our poli t ical id,reinforcing our overpowering glutinous consumerism and pathological self-voyeurism. We wonrt need l-eaders, only managers. And what better men forCo-Commanders in Chief than two So-CaI f l ickmeisters who wil l use their powerand brains to supply nsch needed software to a hardware saturated world.

CALLING ALL CASTERS! You wanted cel-ebrities. You wanted fact and

fiction. we,ve got it all in our new feature, casting g7f1-^n, tvhe

col-umn that answers the question - who's the right person- for the

;;;It ihi" ish - we help Harry Hellerstein wfth his new-screenplay.

Next ish - we cast the McMartin Pre-school trial.

At{D SPEAKING OF READERS . . . Thanks to alert Atameda readers for

spot t ing the most avant merchandis ing p loy s- ince the pet . rock.-

i ir l-tati5n chunks from the Berlin Wa1I plus franchise options to

se11 other imi tat ion reproduct ib les. Incredib le l wr i te IcBw

iiincrrises, 4502 Phyll is Street Arr;;;ndria' vA 22309'

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A&RYOUR HEARI

P t E A s l o o N ' T B E

TELT

A F R A I D

IT TO YOUR HEANT

H/\PPYVALENTINE

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This ish we cast The Angel, a screettplay by Harry Hellerstein, San Francisco Public Defender

and author of the futuristic novel, Wired [St. Martin's Press]. The story: A prominent criminal

defense attorney, Spiro ("The Angel") Angelicus revenges the murder of his daughter - killed by aman he freed from prison. (Uh oh, did we give it away?)

Character

SPIRO ANGBLICUS40-50 year old Greek

San FranciscoDefense Attorney

RUTHSpiro's loving

daughter who ismurdered

DR. HUGODIETRICH

Plastic Surgeon whodislikes Spiro but

eventually helps him

"BRADU DIETRICHSon of Dr. Dietrich

and engaged toSpiro's daughter,

Ruth

KARENSpiro's loyal young

legal associate

ROJASPsychopathic killer

DANASpiro's girlfriend;

late 30's and too tiredto play up her looks

Feature Film

TONY FRANCIOSA(If he behaves on the

set, otherwise)TELLY SAVALAS

BEN GAZZARA(Unless the

producers wanthigher visibility,

otherwise)PETER FALK

GENE HACKMAN(Provided we can get

Teri Garr as hisgirlfriend,otherwise)

BOB HOSKINS

JUSTINEBATEMAN

(Unless she won't doa series, otherwise)TINA YOTHERS

JENNIFER GREY(If she's willing to

die midway,otherwise)MARTIKA

JAMI GERTZ(If she's willing to

die midway,otherwise)

DAPHNE ZUNIGA

FERNANDOLAMAS

(Provided we can getLorenzo, otherwise)

LAURENCELUCKINBILL

LLOYD BRIDGES(Provided we can

get Jeff or Beau ashis son, otherwise)DANNY GLOVBR

MARTIN SHEEN(Provided we can getCharlie or Emilio ashis son, otherwise)

DONALDSUTHERLAND

LORENZO LAMAS(Unless he's too

expensive,otherwise)

DESI ARNEZ, JR.

JEFF BRIDGES(unless he's too

expensive,otherwise)

CRISPIN GLOVER

CHARLIE SHEEN(Unless he's too

expensive, otherwise)KEIFBR

SUTHERLAND

TRACY NELSON(Unless Father

Dowling won't lether, otherwise)

TAWNY WELCH

DANA DELANEY(Unless China Beach

won't let her,otherwise)ANNETTEO'TOOLE

MARY BETH HURT(Unless the part's too

small for her,otherwise)

JULIA ROBERTS

ED MARINARO(Unless he's notready to play a

psychopath,otherwise)

JOEDALLESANDRO

TONY LO BIANCO(Unless he's tired ofplaying psychopaths,

otherwise)JOHN (52 Pickup)

GLOVER

RAY SHARKEY(Unless he's tired ofplaying psychopaths,

otherwise)HARVEY KEITEL

LESLEY ANNWARREN

(If she'll commit to aseries, otherwise)

JOANNA CASSIDY

STOCKARI)CHANNING

(If she'll do a toplessscene with Ben

Gazzara, otherwise)KAY LENZ

TERI GARR(If she'll do another

love scene with GeneHackman, otherwise)

HELEN MIRREN

$ruT1{? .O 1

- ^ r lA ,? lrnE t ll l l - .

She Dislikes a Phrase He's Become a MovieDear A&RsI don,t understand why peopleuse the phrase, "point in t ime."-Thereare no "points" in t ime. I t is th isfact which accounts for the anxiety ofmodern l i fe . Exis tence is f in i te andlimited - it is always the now. Evenif there were points in time, it isunneceEEary to say the phrase becaugethe conversational English languageuse of the word "point" has atwaysbeen temporal. A person should simplysay , "a t t ha t po in t . " I w i sh f a i an , !get so worked up about this but f do.What's wrong with me? itean LaFontaine, Boca Fountain, Florida.

Dear i lea!: There,s nothing wrong withyou. WordE are a preciouE reErource andanyone who wastes them is ruining ourverbal environment. Try to chlnnelyour feelings into a broader morelov ing form of act iv ism. Good luck.

She's Afraid of Bar-- --JSDear A&Rs I am afraid of bags.Everyday, there are more of them. Idon't remember there being so manybags when I was a teenager. f getinto big fights when people try togive me a bag at a Etore. And eventhough I never bring bags home, itseemEr l ike I sti l l f ind them indrawers and other places. I thinkbags are taking over. It all comes,from this subconscious desire thatpeople have. They can, t f i l f the i rown l ivee wi th meaning, so they f i t lup a bag. And that bag takes on thespi r i t and then has a l i fe of i ts own.That 'g what I th ink. What ,E wrongwi th the wor ld? Or what ,E wrong wi thme? Suaatr Stekel, pollyanna, Va.

Dear Susan: There,g nothing hrrongwith you and there,s nothing wrongwith the world. Many people enjoy tn6security, privacy and portlUil ityafforded by the use of shopping bags.But bags, l ike any device, can beoveruged and can become dangerous.Your concern over ,rnnei"rsarycontainment is well-founded, but tryto re lax and enjoy l i fe more.

Deer A&R: f always disliked cermanand Scandinavian movies because theywere dark and dealt with inneiturmoil. Last year, however, my lifebecame dark and full of inner turmoil.The days seemed to drag by, as if theywere _glued together with melancholy. IEat for hours in a chair, while thefaucet dripped. The radio playedmeaninglese pop music intersperiedwith horrendous and tragic newsreports. A shadow passed over me andmy life became like one of thosemovies f used to hate. I wag overcomewith a flood of emotiong and I triedto call fr iends from years aelo to talkabout movies and my generaldespondency. But I found thaC theseso-called friends were alt tooabsorbed and involved in their or^rnmental turbulence or personalrelationships to grasp thehopelessness of my situation. For O3hours, f watched German andScandinavian fi lme. Then f cried, witha fullnegs and richnees that r^raEtunlike any other weeping I have everknown. This was followed by a sense ofexhilaration that has remained with mefor the past eight months. people sayI 'm nuts. What , E rrrong with meaCbarles Cheniney, Vancouver.

Dear Charles: There,g nothing wrongwith you. Radical f i lm theorisfs hav6maintained for many years that peopleIive out the movies they avoid. Forexample, in te l lectuals who d is l ikevacuouEr teen comedies, f ind themselvestrapped in a world l ike such movies.This hate for a specific movie speciesis a sel f - fu t f i l l ing antagonism whichpsychiat r ie ts cal l genre host i l i ty .Enjoy your exhilaration and look for adirection for your love. If you mustdespair , don, t do i t for per iodslonger than the length of an Lveragefeature f i lm.

What's 'Wrong

With You?If you feel l ike sometbing,s wrongwitb 1'our write to The een Report,P .O . Box 22LL3 , Sunse t S ta t i on , S .F . ,cA 94t22.

HOT & HAPPENINGII

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1$qREPORT

,OFTEN IN ERROR - NEVER IN DOUBT,