Felix: The Lives of a Human Phoenix

I.

The flames of the ever burning Sun reach out for the world as

they caress the Earth into the early morning. Shadows surrender to

the captivating radiance and darkness retreats to where it once hid

before the luminous star emerged; the bright beams of light cascade

onto the surface of this planet, returning life to the hibernating plants

and creatures. All of the Earth’s beings bask in its glorious warmth, all

except for Serena.

After a long night shift at the hospital, which to her seems never

ending because she works them every night, Serena has not noticed

the Suns presence at all. Though the small silver hands on her watch

reveal the morning hour, she has yet to know that her work is almost

complete, which it never truly seems to be. Since she began as a

nurse, almost three years ago, all of the days have bled into each

other and the world outside the white walls of the hospital has become

unfamiliar to her. The memory of a bright blue sky with large white

clouds roaming over head has almost been totally forgotten and

replaced with the blinding incandescent lights and small white ceiling

tiles she has become accustomed to looking up to.

Serena is aware of all the time that she has had to sacrifice from

her life for her career but does not view her decision of becoming a

nurse negatively. She has always wanted to help people, ever since

she was a young girl fetching band aids for friends that had been

playing too rough. Even though she is taking a lot of time out of her life

to work, her work is instilling life back into others, which from her

perspective, is worth the sacrifice.

Being from a family that has turned toward her caring ever

since she was a child, Serena is one that has never complained or

refused to make a sacrifice for anyone. When she was only three

years old her mother’s father died and she was sent to her

grandmother’s house for months at a time by her mom. In fact most of

Serena’s first memories are of her grandmother’s house. She can still

remember being too small to climb the large stairs in her

grandmother’s home and having to wait for help. She mainly

remembers waiting because, in that large empty house, there was no

one to help. After her grandmother’s husband died, something died in

her grandmother. The main memory that Serena has from her

childhood is watching her grandmother in her rocking chair on the

front porch, staring out at the world as if waiting for an answer or a

traveler that would bring the message to her to keep living; a message

for her to not give up on life.

These memories arise in her mind, as she looks over the charts

of numerous patients she is taking care of, since she knows now that

her grandmother did give up, because she died just days ago. The

death came as a long awaited change in her life of waiting for a

change. In the background of Serena’s caring and successful life her

grandmother had still been waiting in that same rocking chair on that

same porch. And for what, something that Serena never knew;

something no one ever really knew. In fact, Serena has not been able

to mourn her passing because she never really knew her grandmother

even though most of her memories involve her.

Growing up without a father was a great difficulty to her, but the

hardest part of her life was the absence of her own mother. At first she

had thought that her mother was sending her to her grandmother’s

house to take care of her, but later she only believed that she was

being sent away because her own mother could not, or refused to,

take care of her. This is what first sparked the need to be caring in

Serena’s life.

With all of these thoughts festering inside of her head, she does

not notice the shadows growing larger on the hospital doors. A loud

noise, from the doors she is walking past, startles her. Two men race

through the doors with a man on a stretcher, being supported by a

breathing mask and with puddles of blood seeping from his body.

Though her mind is programmed to begin helping this man, the bright

rays from the Sun chase the men into the hospital and blind Serena.

Having only been around man made light for the night hours, the

warm glow from outside the hospital momentarily interrupts her

thoughts. The two men swerve down the hallway in front of her with

the stretcher while she remains captivated by the day’s radiance.

“Serena!” shouts a familiar voice from down the hall. Though the

woman’s voice is loud it only seems like a whisper behind the

thoughts that Serena is caught in.

“Serena,” she shouts again, “we need you!” As if the spell

between her and the morning sun has been broken, she turns toward

the quickly moving stretcher and races behind it down the hallway.

Bursting into the emergency room, she sees a group of nurses

and doctors providing triage care in efforts to save the man. Watching

as everyone is frantically trying to stop his bleeding through the

gunshot wound in his chest, she loses her thought process again, not

knowing what to do immediately as she usually does.

“Serena!” shouts the doctor in charge, “I need you to hold

pressure here!” She quickly steps up to the man and holds her hands

strongly against the wound. As all of the others are gathering all of the

supplies and instruments they need, Serena is drawn to the man. She

looks up at his face and sees him faintly looking back at her from

underneath the breathing mask. She can see all of the pain he is

feeling in his eyes; the fear he has of losing the one thing that he has

ever known. The fear of losing his life.

As more blood seeps from the entrance wound, that Serena is

pushing all of her weight onto in an attempt to control the bleeding, the

man’s eyes begin to dim and his gaze into her eyes begins to

diminish. She can see the life start to leave his body but does not give

up. With a loud grunt she pushes even more pressure onto the man,

standing now on her toes. “Come on!” she shouts as she feels the

battle for his life being lost.

“Move Serena,” the doctor says as he pushes her away from the

wound to continue, “We’re not losing him!” Serena releases pressure

from the wound and grips onto the man’s relaxed hand. Watching the

doctor working, her eyes drift back to the man’s face to find his eyes

closed and a deathly stillness wrapping his body. As if trying to wake

him up from a nightmare, she shakes his hand from side to side but

does not see any signs of life returning to his body.

Serena watches as the doctor completes cleaning the wound

and applies a dressing to fill the wound when the man’s eyes open

and his loose hand tightly grips Serena’s hand. Surprised, she looks

back at him and is met with a remorseful glow in his eyes. A sense of

recognition washes over her. A belief that her caring eyes had pierced

through his pain and fear and helped him battle away death.

As if witnessing a resurrection, she is in awe and cannot take her

eyes away from his. The feeling of conquering death seems beautiful

and warm, captivating her like the glow from the Sun. As she thinks

deeper about the moment Serena is reminded that she was unable to

save her grandmother from death. Though she can help save a

person with a dying heart, she was unable to save her grandmother

from a broken heart.

The sensation of loss interrupts the moment of rebirth and the

strong walls which courageously hold Serena’s emotions in begin to

fall. She breaks the gaze with the man and backs out of the door. She

continues backing up until her body is against the wall in the hallway.

Slipping to the floor, her emotions flood through her body like a

monsoon conquering all of her courage and bravery.

Letting go has always been difficult for her to endure; whether

letting go of her feelings or letting go of people. Being someone that

cares for others lives, death seems like an adversary to Serena. She

strongly believes that death can be beat, though she knows that

everyone dies. In life she has been able to acknowledge the fact that

all lives come to an end, but has also learned that lives can be saved,

which makes death even harder to deal with.

Being such a strong woman, she does not let herself completely

breakdown. Squeezing the back of her neck and slowly looking up at

the lights, she breathes slowly and begins to build the walls inside of

her back up.

The door to the emergency room opens and Serena wipes the

tears away from her face, standing up from the floor. Her eyes are met

by the nurse that had been calling her name when the man was

rushed in. The woman, draped in the same scrubs as Serena’s,

examines her face and notices the sadness that she always tries to

hide away. Usually she is able to shy away from how she is feeling

and holds a shield of bravery but reveals her true self since losing the

battle within.

“Serena,” the woman calmly says, trying to console her friend.

“I’m okay, Agatha,” she replies while brushing her glistening

cheeks with the smooth fabric on her scrubs. She forces a smile,

trying to withdraw from her feelings, but Agatha can see right through

it. Since becoming a nurse three years ago, Serena and Agatha have

become very good friends at the hospital. “Really,” she continues and

smiles again, “I’m fine.”

“You’re fine? Who do you think you’re talking to Serena?” Agatha

asks sarcastically. “I know you, and you are not fine.”

“It’s just been a long night,” Serena says softly.

“A long night, when was the last night you weren’t in the

hospital?” Agatha watches as she tries to think back to a time that she

didn’t work but cannot recall. “You work yourself too hard Serena, you

can’t spend all of your time here, especially right now. We both know

that you can take some time,” she stops for a moment, thinking about

the recent events in Serena’s life. “We both know that you need to

take some time to yourself.” Agatha is the only person that Serena has

talked to about her family and childhood. She usually doesn’t let

anyone in but finds a certain comfort in Agatha’s kindness.

“I just don’t even know what to do when I’m not here anymore,”

Serena slowly confesses. “Sometimes I feel like this is the only place I

can be comfortable. People need my help and I can’t contain myself

when there are still more people to save. More people to help.”

“There will always be lives to save. You are saving all of these

people’s lives Serena,” Agatha says, “But who is going save yours?”

Serena loosens her eye contact and begins to trace the creases

between the tiles in the floor beneath her feet. “I know that you don’t

want to hear this,” she continues, “but you need to just take a little bit

of time off, if just for me.” Serena lets out a small snicker and smiles

as she looks back at Agatha. “Because you’re making me tired just

looking at you girl,” she continues while laughing.

Serena thinks for a moment, knowing that it’s something that she

doesn’t want to do but wants to keep Agatha happy. “Alright,” she

finally replies. “I’ll leave right after I check on…”

“Nope,” Agatha interrupts, “I’ve already made your rounds.”

“Agatha,” Serena says surprised, “But what about,” she

continues while looking through the list of names on her clipboard.

“I checked on Mr. Helios, he’s still doing well.”

“Yes, but I should probably make sure…”

“Serena! He’s doing fine, you are not. Okay? He even told me

that he didn’t need to keep you here just for him.”

“Really?” Serena asks, wondering why the man had said such a

thing. “That’s strange.”

“Take it as a sign,” Agatha replies, “and go!”

She thinks about what the man had told Agatha but decides to

take her advice. “I should take that as a sign,” Serena agrees.

Just as she begins to walk away, to get her things, the phone in

her pocket rings. She stops and looks back at Agatha saying, “I should

take this as a sign.” They both smile as she pulls the device out of her

pocket and looks at the screen. The muscles in her face slowly

weaken and her smile disappears. Hesitating before answering the

call, she finally holds the phone to her ear. “Hello. Mom?”

Serena’s majestic voice is met by a brief static and deep

breathing from the phone. “Mom, are you there?” she asks, concerned

that she has yet to respond.

The deep breath transforms into a raspy cough, echoing through

the phone as if yelled into a deep cave. “Re’?” A weak voice murmurs,

“Re’ can you hear me?”

Serena smiles with joy, happy to hear her mother call her by the

name she had as a child. “Yes mom, I can hear you! Is everything

alright?” she asks. “Are you okay?” She is eager to cure any of her

mother’s problems as if she were a patient.

“I’m fine,” she says before coughing again. “I’m feeling well

today.”

“That’s good mom, that’s great to hear. Have you been eating

better or is your stomach still feeling upset? I brought some groceries

over Tuesday night and left them on your porch, you got that right? I

bought some canned soup, vegetable and noodle and I thought you

could eat those if you were still in pain.” Serena tries to speak quickly,

knowing that she doesn’t get to talk to her mom often or for long. “I

also put a can opener in the grocery bag, next to the loaf of bread. I

know that you probably have one but…” she takes a breath, realizing

that she will most likely not hear any answers to her questions, “I

wanted to make sure you had one.”

“Re’, I got the groceries,” her mother replies. “I need to talk to

you about your grandmother. I need your help.”

“What is it mom, what about grandma?” she asks. Always

wanting to help her mother, Serena becomes extremely attentive and

dismisses the fact that she has not slept since the morning before.

“I need you to go to grandma’s house. I need you to go there and

bring me some boxes.”

“Boxes?” Serena asks, wondering what her mother is interested

in. “Boxes of what?” Before responding, her mother coughs again, this

time extremely violently. “Mom, are you okay? Is your throat sore

again?”

Clearing her throat, her mother continues, “There should be a

few boxes of books, in the upstairs study, next to the old bookshelf. I

need you to go get them for me.”

Never getting a chance to actually spend time with her mother,

Serena joyously agrees. “I can do that mama. I’m just getting off of

work right now; did you want me to pick you up? We could both go to

grandma’s house.”

Serena’s excitement is met by a brief silence on the phone

before her mother replies, “just the boxes Re’.”

“Alright,” she says, accepting that her mother will not leave her

house. “I’ll see you soon. I love you!” A cold whisper of silence grows

in Serena’s ear before the phone call ends.

Though it is not the relationship that she desperately seeks,

actually having a relationship with her is what Serena has been

starving for since she was a child. Striving to be the best daughter led

her to become the kind person that she has grown into.

Like Earth circling the Sun, she has based her life around getting

closer to her mother but, like the Earth, seems to stay the same

distance away.

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