fiction- new moon- if bella hadn't cliff dived .

8/4/2019 Fiction- New Moon- If Bella Hadn't Cliff Dived . . .

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Fan-Fiction- New Moon- If Bella hadnt clIff-dived . . .


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Stephenie Meyers novels inspired me to read again. I had forgotten how much I loved reading.

When I read the second novel in her saga, I always wondered what may have happened if Bella

hadnt jumped off the cliff and Alice hadnt come back. Bella wouldnt have raced to Italy because

Edward wouldnt have had any reason to go to the Volturi. This is written purely for MYSELF

ONLY. Just to test if Im a good writer. If this is something I should pursue.


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1. Heartbroken2. In love again3. Uncertainty4. Decisions5. Jacob6. Pain7. Doubt8. Friends9. Turmoil10.Goodbye?11.Torn12.Danger13.Choice14.Truth15.Only You. Always


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1. Heartbroken

I knew it wasnt the right thing to do but since Bellad come into my life, right and

wrong ceased to mean anything to me. It had been almost two years since Id seen

her and it hadnt made my love for her waver in the slightest. She would always be

the most important thing to me and I would always love her for the rest of my

existence.

The pain I suffered over this immensely long period away from her had left me

broken and hurting, so much that I couldnt be around anyone. I tried to be around

my family but sometimes it would be too much. Alice could see how much pain I was

in and many times she tried to talk me into breaking my resolve but I couldnt subject

Bella to any more pain from being in close proximity to my world. Bella deserved to

be happy and healthy and safe.

We had all decided that coming back to Forks now was the best thing, because for

one, Bella had probably graduated already and moved away. That thought nearly

strangled me. Second of all, we were able to be almost as normal as everyone else

here. There was hardly any sun and the others liked it here so much. Carlisle and

Esme were reluctant at first, worrying about me but I put on a brave face and assured

them that I was okay with the decision.

One afternoon as I sat in the meadow, a place I rarely visited now because it

resurrected my memories of Bella and the first time I brought her here I began


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thinking of Bella way too much, missing her. I warred with my next thought, to pay

her a visit, from afar. I just wanted to see her, to see that she was okay. It wasnt a

solid plan. It was flawed because I was being selfish. On the other hand of course,

Bella may not even be there because she should have graduated already. I tried hard

to convince myself that seeing her would not make things easier but I faltered and ran

to Forks. I hid in the trees across from her house, looking around. It was almost six

now so her father, local police Chief Charlie Swan, would be returning home soon.

Then as I listened to the mundane sounds coming out of the surrounding houses, I

heard a familiar rumble of Bellas feeble truck coming around the corner. She was

still in Forks. I wasnt as surprised as I thought I would be because I had hoped that

she had stayed. My dead heart felt like it would suddenly start beating in my chest. I

could hear no thoughts from the truck; of course I knew I wouldnt. Bellas thoughts

had always been a mystery for me.

After a few long minutes, her truck pulled up against the curb and she stepped

out. I wasnt prepared for the onslaught of emotions that coursed through me now.

Love. Loss. Pain. Relief. More Pain. Her long mahogany hair fluttered around her pale

face as she walked to the front door, huddled tightly in her coat. Her hair was much

longer than it had been the last time Id seen her. Her face was still the same pale

heart-shaped face that I loved. She looked so beautiful. I didnt think I could love her

more than I already had but seeing her now, the love flowed freely inside my body.


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She opened the door, somehow it was already open and I could hear the switching

on of a light. I wasnt prepared for what I happened next. Nothing could prepare me

for this.

Hey. Did Iwake you? Im sorry. I heard Bella apologize. I wasnt aware that

anyone was in the house. Her fathers cruiser wasnt in its usual place in the driveway

so I was bemused as to whom she was speaking to.

Its okay Bells. I needed a wake-up call. I heard a husky, deep but still youthful

voice respond to her question.

My dead heart sunk deep into my chest and I suddenly felt hollow. Who was this

person in Bellas house? Had she moved on? It would be foolish of me to think that she

would be pining away for me for the rest of her life. So much time had passed . . . she

deserved to be happy. But what if I was reading the entire situation inaccurately? I

reluctantly moved closer to her house, trying to pinpoint the thoughts. I could see her

through his eyes but I couldnt see his face. She was smiling shyly back at him. This

could just be friendship. They both sat down on the sofa together and he put his arm

around her.

Did you get everything you needed? he inquired.

Yea . . . Jake did my dad call while I wasout? she asked him sounding a bit

worried.

No . . . why? he responded sounding confused and surprised by her question.


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I dont know. Hes supposed to be home by now. She said, that familiar crease

lining her forehead.

Anger flared as he took his fingers and smoothed out her forehead.

I came closer still, till I could see through the downstairs window. I could see his

face clearly now. There was something vaguely familiar about his face. Then I

realized that I knew him. Jacob Black, descendant of Ephraim Black of the Quileute

tribe in La Push. This was a place I was forbidden to go. Jacob Black. The young boy

who had spilled the beans and told Bella what I was. Though I remembered him and

the last time I saw him at the prom, I realized that he had changed drastically. He

didnt look like the young boy I had met so long ago. He was taller, much taller. His

face was harder, the youth not quite there anymore and his physique was admittedly

impressive. The bulging muscles were evident under his t-shirt.

Samcalled though, while you were out. Im going to have to leave in a while. He

whispered to her and a trace of pain touched her features.

Youll be careful, right? she looked him directly in the eyes.

I always am and this is nothing to worry about. Justroutine patrol. We havent

spotted any vampires since that last time. He reassured her.

The boy was hunting vampires? That could only mean one thing . . . werewolf.

Bella was spending time with a werewolf now? I should have guessed as much. It was

so like Bella to be constantly putting herself in danger. No self-preservation.


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I have to go Bells. Ill see you later. He stood up and so did she.

Hurry back. Be careful. She whispered as he took her face between his hands.

No! He couldnt. I didnt want to see this. I was wrong to have come here today. I

was just ripping myself up further. Still such the masochist.

He leaned in slowly and pressed his lips against hers briefly and embraced her.

Then he stiffened and drew away.

Jake, whats wrong? she asked surprised by the look on his face. He was glaring.

Vampire. Theres a vampire close by. He spat through clenched teeth.

Bella gasped in horror, What? Who?

Jacob released her and headed for the door. Unusually for me, it took me a second

to realize that I was the vampire that he smelled. Must have been aftershock of that

incredibly heartbreaking image.

Jake, be careful. Bella pleaded behind him.

Jacob Black came bursting through the front door and in half a second he was

around the house having caught my scent. I held my palms up, cautioning him.

Wait! You dont want to start a fight! I said palms still up.

He still shifted into his wolf form, growling balefully at me.

Jacob Black. I havent come back for Bella. Just give me a chance to explain.


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Why should I, parasite? Have you any idea what this will do to her if she sees you?

He growled at me through his thoughts.

She wont see me. Thats why Ive been hiding in the trees. I just wanted to see

that she was okay.

You seriously have a lot of nerve showing up here after all this time.

Im sorry. I know that my kind and yours are sworn enemies but I dont hate you

because from what Ive seen, youve taken care of Bella. I guess Im grateful that she

has you.

Yes . . . she does have me and she always will. You have no idea what youve done

to her. Shes been in pain for too long and I wont allow that to happen again, he

threatened.

I will go. I have no intention to fight you. You do need to know that I love Bella

and I always will. Putting her through this was never for my own selfish reasons. I

wanted her to have a happy, safe human life and she couldnt have that with me. I

didnt want her to be hurt by being with me.

Newsflash bloodsucker. Shewashurt my being with you. You have no idea how

hard it was for her. Shes finally started healing. Do not come near her!

Goodbye, Jacob Black. I whispered and ran back into the trees.


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Im sorry youre hurting Edward. Its been almost two years. Shes human . . . she

would have moved on eventually. Alice said. She was trying to comfort me but it

didnt work. Her words just cut me up further.

He loves her, Alice. I can tell! I said as composed as I could manage. I saw him

kissher!

I cant deal with this Alice. It was wrong for me to have come back. I have to

leave. I headed to tell Carlisle. I knew he would understand. A part of me felt a

strange sense of dj-vu. When Bella had her first day at Forks High and I had caught

the scent of her sweet blood, I had fled Forks like the coward that I was telling

Carlisle goodbye and driving his car to the Denali wilderness. I guess thats where I

would go again.

Are you sure you want to do that? Alice said, stopping me mid-stride.

What do you mean, Alice? I wasnt in the mood for this.

Maybe you could stay and win her back. This doesnt have to be over.

Alice, be reasonable. Didnt you hear me before? Shes moved on. I repeated

feeling the words drag through me like a serrated knife, piercing my dead heart in my

cold chest, clawing up my throat. I dont deserve her . . . I never have. She deserves

so much better than a selfish vampire who left her and broke her heart.

Alice shook her head back and forth, Stop berating yourself Edward. Bella is for

you. She paused nodding her head with a knowing look, Id wager anything that


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Bella still loves you, Edward. You can be with her again. You could be happy again.

She smiled feeling convinced of this.

Yes I would be happy. But does it really matter if Im happy? Maybe she has found

a place where she is happy now. And it would be very selfish to rob her of this.

Wouldnt it? It was killing me to say this but I had to be a realist when the other

party of this conversation was being absolutely absurd.

Aw, cmon Edward. You know how much Bella loves you. She proved that time

and time again. Shes strong. As much as you might resent me for saying this, shes

stronger than you. You left. You took the easy way. She was still fighting. Alice had

hit her mark. She was right of course. I was a coward. When Jasper attacked Bella, I

took the easy way out and left her here not even considering what I was putting her

through.

I winced as I remembered that day in the forest. Bella wasnt going to let go. She

was dismissing Jaspers attempt on her life as if there was nothing appallingly wrong

about what he had done. She was strong. Stronger than me. I was weak. Even with all

my immortal strength, I was weak.

Edward. Go to her. You know thats where you belong. And you know thats

where you want to be. Alice was such a smug little vampire. I could feel her

radiating with the force of her speech. She knew she got through to me as I saw the

future shift in her head.


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I could see the picture that Alices words painted. Bella in my arms again, after so

long a separation. Her warm soft lips against my cold, marble lips. Her sweet scent

that though it made my mouth water was so much of an attraction to me. I could

never harm her, I knew that. What happened for her eighteenth birthday changed my

reactions. The kind of pain that I knew it would cause not only her as she screamed in

anguish but the pain and suffering I would endure if I took her life, had changed me.

I tried to dispel this impossible fantasy though I longed to have Bella with me

again.

But Alice wasnt right. It was incredibly selfish and greedy of me to want to put

Bella back here in the middle of my world which was so perilous to her. I couldnt

bear if she was hurt by me again.

Alice, youre being ludicrous. I turned away from her again.

Am I, Edward? she retorted. You can be with Bella again. But if you ever put

her through anything like that again youll have me to answer to brother. She

threatened.

I held in a chuckle at the threat coming from her lips. But I realized she wasnt

joking. Bella was her friend and she meant everything she said. Alice, if by some

miracle I could have Bella back, I would neverleave her. As I said those words, I

knew they were true. I would never leave or hurt her again.

Well what are you waiting for Romeo? Go get your girl. Alice tugged on my arm.


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I didnt respond. I just ran through the trees and back to Forks to see the girl I

loved.

As I ran, I felt the wind on my face the leaves caressing my marble face. I felt such

a rush and high. Not only from the run but because I knew I was going to see Bella.

Alice was very confident that Bella still loved me but I was still apprehensive. I left

her for almost two years. Two years!

That was the hardest most trying thing that I ever had to do. Sitting in slums and

wasting away in my thoughts. Thoughts of Bella swimming about in my head. Her

smile. The warmth on her cheeks as she blushed scarlet. The fierceness in her eyes,

the intensity when she was so determined that not a force in the world would stop

her.

It was slow torture. I couldnt get her out of my head. The first time I took her to

the meadow . . . it was the most intense memory I had. She told me what I had so

wanted to hear. And then to hear her whisper in her sleep that she loved me. Nothing

could encompass those feelings.

I reached the house in a matter of minutes. I scaled a thick spruce and listened.


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2. In Love Again

When I reached her house, I listened and checked thoroughly to make sure that

the werewolf wasnt there. He wasnt. I came closer and heard Bella speaking.

Hey Billy, its me. Did Jake make it home yet? she spoke softly into the phone,

worry in her tone.

She was worried about him. I mean thats natural right? He was hunting vampires

so her worry was justified. It didnt have to mean love.

Such an idiot! Trying to conciliate myself, giving reassurances.

When you hear anything, youll call me right.

Thanks Billy. Bye.

She trudged wearily up the stairs to her room. I couldnt hear her fathers

thoughts anywhere in the house. Where was he? Bella was all alone? She climbed into

her bed and with a sigh covered herself with her sheets.

Her window was open as usual. I scaled the side of her house and eased through

the window. I sat in the rocking chair and as I did this, it felt routine. Easily into

pattern, like nothing had changed.

As she slept, she started mumbling in her sleep.

Jake. She sighed. Jacob . . . I . . . love . . . She mumbled softly, fast asleep.


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She didnt finish her sentence. Was she going to say that she loved him? It very

much seemed so. My dead heart plummeted.

But wait, what did I expect to happen? She was human and so was he

comparatively. Still. . . It hurt with an unbelievable potency.

Edward. She sighed. I heard a low sob in her voice. Jacob Black was right. She

was still unhappy and it was my fault. Maybe Alice was right. If Bella was still sad, did

I have hope that it meant she still cared for me? I squashed back that hope. Hope

would just make me miserable if it didnt pan out. Hope could very well break me and

everything I had left.

I felt the urge to cry. My eyes stabbed in the most peculiar way. Of course I could

not cry but the overwhelming sadness I felt was too much to contain.

The phone rang downstairs startling me, so unusual, it made me laugh under my

breath. I was very slow today; I completely overlooked the fact that the sound would

wake Bella.

I quickly slid out the window into the nearby trees. I heard the receiver pick up

and Bella answer groggily.

Hello? she answered slightly annoyed, sleep thick in her voice.

Her voice saturated with relief when the person on the other line responded.

Jacob! I was so worried.


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No, Charlies working late apparently.

Youre coming up? Okay Ill see you then. Bye

Are you kidding me? I had barely spent any time alone with her and he was coming

to rob me of these precious moments.

I couldnt leave her; I would hide as far away so that he wouldnt catch my scent

but still close enough that I could eavesdrop on their night. Morally, that would be

wrong but I just couldnt go home knowing they were here alone, probably in her

room. I wouldnt be able to bear it. It would be agony, like the slow torture of the

venom that sealed me in my fate.

There was a knock at the door.

Coming! she yelled down the stairs.

Her footsteps were unbalanced and it sounded like she was stumbling down the

stairs. Still tripping over her feet. The thoughts of all those clumsy moments made me

quietly laugh to myself. I settled into the thick spruce and listened.

She pulled the front door open and I could see her face, her beautiful face that

was almost as pale as mine and her entrancing chocolate brown eyes, her long

mahogany hair that framed her face exquisitely and that little hint of color on her

cheeks after running down the stairs. He was raking in her appearance in his thoughts

just as much as I was through his eyes. I didnt like that. Didnt like that he had such


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a strong attraction to my Bella. Ah, she wasnt myBella was she? Not anymore. And

that was of no fault but my own.

Hey Jake. Come in. she said smiling.

Were you okay this evening without me? he asked hoping she wasnt because

shed missed him.

I was just fine. I can take care of myself you know. She snapped her lips pushing

out into an appealing pout.

Ohcmon Bells! I didnt mean it that way.Jacob said chuckling.

I know . . . sorry I snapped at you. She apologized taking his hand.

He smiled at her and they went to the sofa. She leaned against his shoulder.

It was a long afternoon without you. I was worried. She confessed.

I knew she missed me. There must be some love there, even if its just a little. I

love her so much. His thoughts became a deep yearning.

It was now that I thanked the heavens that I didnt have Jaspers ability to feel the

emotions of those around me otherwise his yearning would have been extremely

painful now. Especially now that I could see her face throughhis

eyes and not my

own. That I could see his arms around her and not mine. That I could see her smile at

him through his eyes and not be able to see it for myself and feel the warmth that

every one of her smiles would stir in me.


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Bella, I know you dont really want to talk about this but its my nature so bear

with me kay?

Okay. she said in a voice that understood exactly where the conversation was

headed.

You know how I feel about you right? he asked already knowing her answer.

Yes Jake I do. She said ducking her head into his chest to hide her face.

When she touches me, myheart! God! I just want to hold her in my arms and

never let go. I love you, Bella. I just dont know how to express that to you without

hurting myself. Its the bloodsucker and something just tells me it will always be

him. Its like I cant compete. I cant tell her that though. I just have to keep hoping

that someday shell love me even halfas much as I love her.

His thoughts cut through me because even without Jaspers abilities I could feel

his pain. Its similar to the pain I felt and still feel but nowhere near as potent. My

feelings for Bella transcend even that of this werewolfs who was still comparatively

human and probably not capable of holding a love so strong. My love for Bella is so

glorious and unalterable that I could barely stand one minute without her let alone

the year and a half of torment. Time, an entity that use to mean very little to me

because I had so much of it, an eternity of it, felt like a never ending sea of gloom

and despair every minute I spent away from the fragile human girl that I loved beyond

compare.


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He seems to think that she still loves me and that she always will. Could that be

true?

Jake, you knowhow much I care about you

. . . but I just cant be with you. At

least not now because it still hurts. her voice broke and he hugged her tightly.

I know . . . but -- she put a hand over his mouth.

I know what youre going to say. I let you kiss me today . . . because I wanted to

be ready. I wanted to be ready to make you happy. She sighed looking down. I cant

be with you but I cant be without you.Youre my best friend, you know that. She

held a palm to his cheek and he leaned his face into her hand. She caressed his face

once with her palm and moved to place her hand on her lap, I dont ever want to

hurt you but Im not ready.

I understand Bells and Im not going to push you. I promise. He whispered to her

looking at her hand in her lap, wondering why shed moved her hand.

Thank you. You know youre very important to me. I dont know what Id do

without you. She murmured.

Bella loves this werewolf and she doesnt even realize it. Its my fault because she

hasnt completely let me go yet. I guess I truly underestimated her love, for her to

still care about me after over a year. Jacobs thoughts interrupted my thinking.

That filthy bloodsucker! He left so long ago and hes still hurting her! I could rip

his miserable head off for causing Bella so much pain. Though, I feel terrible too that


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Im lying to her about his presence in Forks, I cant tell her and open that can of

worms again. It would probably kill her this time. All those months of her zombie

behavior and Charlie telling Billy about her screaming in her sleep every night. Hes

never going to come near her again. She wont hurt like that again! Shes finally

acting like Bella again. I would keep Bella safe and I would never hurt her. She can

trust that but Sam says that I shouldnt get my hopes up because hed hate to see me

hurt. Of course all the guys know how much I love Bella and how much she loves that

damned vampire. Its all that I think about when we run patrols. I hate hearing and

feeling their sympathy. I

Jake? Im tired.Im not sure I can make it up the stairs. she asked wearily.

I gotcha. Up you go, Bells.

He lifted her into his arms. She was half asleep her hands locked around his neck.

She must have fallen asleep while he slowly climbed the stairs, his eyes fixed on her

face.

I love you. He thought defeated. Why cant I just say it? Ill wait till youre ready.

Ill wait as long as you need.

He laid her easily onto the bed and pulled the covers over her studying her

sleeping form. It reminded me how I used to watch her sleep every night. He brushed

her hair out of her face and kissed her forehead.

Where is Charlie? He should have been home by now.


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Until he thought it, I had forgotten that her father wasnt back yet.

He made his way down to the kitchen and dialed.

Dad, have you heard anything from Charlie? Hes not back yet and thats unusual

for him.

Hesat Sues? Then why didnt he call Bella? Shesbeen worried. He retorted in

hushed tones, anger in his voice.

You told him I was here? he paused, surprise coloring his tone. Okay, so I guess

I could spend the night. I cant leave her alone in the house with Charlie out. I

couldnt tell her about the redhead vampire. Shed get scared and weve got it under

control.

Are you sure that Charlie doesnt mind me staying the night? Okay, well Ill see

you tomorrow. Goodnight dad.

He went back up the stairs checking on Bella before getting a blanket out of the

closet. As he passed her room again, he paused. Bella was talking in her sleep. He

stepped in to see what she was saying.

Bella, talks in her sleep? Hmm . . . that I never knew. He thought musing in the

silence. He adjusted the blanket on her and turned to leave when she started to

murmur.

Jake . . . she sighed in her sleep. The vision through his eyes became blurry. He

was crying.


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Shes dreaming about me, he thought in wonder, brushing his fingers down her

cheek.

This was turning into a love story. A love story that should be mine. Mine and

Bellas. I know Im being selfish because I did leave her but I cant live without her.

Tomorrow when the werewolf leaves, Im going to be brave. Im going to reveal my

presence to her.


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3. Uncertainty

The next morning, Bella made him breakfast before he left.

Good morning sleepyhead. She giggled.

Mornin. He said yawning hugely. She laughed again.

I almost had a heart attack when I saw someone sleeping on the couch this

morning. You could have told me you were staying the night, she said disapprovingly.

I know Im sorry. He yawned again. She laughed.

Lets get you some breakfast. Charlie called this morning. He spent the night

with Sue and her kids. I feel so sorry for them . . . how hard it must be since Harry

died. She sniffed.

Yep, its been real hard but things will get better and your dads been great with

Sue. Jacob comforted her.

Thanks for breakfast, Bell. I wont be gone long and Charlie should come home

before he heads back to the station. he told her trying not to act like something was

wrong.

But being Bella she picked up on it. Why are you being so overly protective? Is

something wrong? she asked suspiciously, a catch in her throat.

No Bella. Everythings fine. He lied smoothly. I hate lying to you. But its to

keep you safe so its worth you being mad at me. He thought.


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I have to go now. Sam needs me. Ill check on you in a few hours. He looked at

her wistfully not wanting to leave.

Do you have to go? she whispered not hiding how much shed miss him.

I wish I didnt. Ill miss you too, Bells. He said reading her expression.

How did you know? she asked, the familiar crease lining her forehead. Again he

smoothed it out with his fingers.

Who knows you better than I do, Bella? he said brushing his hand on the back of

hers.

She nodded and smiled.

Ill see you. His words lingered.

He turned heading for the front door. She trailed behind him, catching his hand.

She took his face into her hands and tip-toed and kissed him on the cheek. Be

careful and then come back, she murmured into his ear. He lifted her off the floor

into a tight embrace. I ran home to collect my thoughts. To see Alice. She may just

encourage my callousness again but she was still the most supportive and I valued her

opinion.

I was wondering when youd come back. She teased. I can see that you havent

even spoken to her yet. What are you waiting for? Alice asked sourly because she

missed Bella too.


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I'm waiting for her to be alone. The werewolf is always there. I hate seeing him

with her, Alice. Hearing the depth of his love through his thoughts. It's so strong. I

feel ghastly. This boy is going to be hurt by my selfish actions too. It's not his fault

that he fell in love with her. What is there not to love about Bella? I left her. Who am

I to steal whatever happiness she'd regain in my absence?

Edward, theres only one question you need to ask yourself. Alice said.

What is that, Alice?

Do you love Bella? she smiled at me.

More than anything. She is my life. I answered simply.

Then thats your answer. She patted my shoulder. But before you go, Carlisle

wants to see you.

Thank you, Alice for everything. I said as I made my way to Carlisles study.

She just smiled.

Ah, Edward, my son . . . Carlisle said as I entered.

Are you sure about this? Pursuing Bella after everything that has happened?He

thought unsure.

I dont really know what the right thing to do is, Carlisle.

Esmes been worried.


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Im sorry . . . Im not trying to cause anyone pain but . . . I started but broke off

hearing Carlisles mental anguish over my decisions.

Are you sure youre able to accept her forgiveness or herrejection? I dont want

you to be unhappy, son.

Rejection? I picked the word out of the rest.

Son, you cant be nave and believe that shell run back to you with open arms. A

lot of time has passed and Alice told me about the werewolf. You know we all love

Bella and she became a part of this family as soon as we met her but it was your

choice to leave her, Edward.

I know Carlisle but I love her and I cant stop loving her. Shes everything for

me. My head bowed with my pain.

Then why did you leave her, son? Carlisle asked. Hed always wondered why I

left and he knew that Jaspers accident was merely a flimsy excuse to my greater

fears. Hed never really been able to ask me though. Till now.

When Jasper lost control like that . . . it made me realize what had always been

in front of my eyes. Shes so fragile and breakable. The slightest thing could take her

away from me forever. Seeing my own brother try to take her life right before my

eyes . . . and then her blood spilling right there . . . the scent ripping my throat into

flames and it was then that I realize that shes in danger from so many things but

nothing more dangerous than me. . . I looked up at my father and willed him to

understand. Im the most dangerous thing . . . the one that can hurt her in the worst


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way because even though I love her more than anything else, I feel for her --- for her

blood and it tempts me and what if it had been me you all had to protect Bella from

and not just Jasper. I took one jagged breath. I couldnt bear it if I hurt her.

I understand son. I respect that and I will support you and any decisions you

make. The entire family would.

I know you would.

Edward? Was I hearing things? Or was that Rosalie calling me?

Go on, son. Im very deeply engrossed in my book. He too was surprised to hear

Rosalie calling for me in a voice that was not irritated.

I reached Rosalie in the garage in the next second.

Can you help me with this? she asked sprawled underneath her shiny red

convertible. Her long golden hair fanned out above her head. I just need you to lift

the car for me so I can reach that knot. Our skin threw sparkles on the lawn and I

smiled at her. Rosalie and I really only spent time in each others company when we

were tuning the cars.

Its the girl, isnt it?She thought seeing my expression falter. She shook her head

a tad disgruntled. Go. Youre no fun like this.

I nodded. We can do this when I return. She nodded back and raised the car up

removing herself.


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Wheres Emmett? I asked noticing I hadnt seen him for a while but of course I

wouldnt have seen him because I was not at home all of yesterday anyway.

Hes hunting with Jasper. He should be back by twilight.She shook her head

annoyed. Hes a bit peeved that you werent here. He wanted you to join them. He

misses his little brother.

Tell him that Ill make it up to him.

I will.

I nodded and raced into the trees to the delicate woman that I loved and would

love forever --- for eternity.

When I reached her house I could hear nothing so that meant she was alone. I

scaled the side of the house to her bedroom window trying to be inconspicuous in the

daylight. She was in her bed reading a book. I took a deep breath and slid in.

Bella. I said softly.

She gasped loudly, Edward?

Yes Bella, its really me.

She started crying. She threw herself at me and her embrace felt like being home.

She smelled exactly the same but it was very easy to resist that temptation. Here

with her was where I belonged.


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But then she stiffened and drew away from me, her back turned. She didnt look

at me and that scared me. I wanted to touch her and make her face me, make her say

something. But no. I would wait for her. When shes ready shell say something

because she must be in shock.

Slowly she turned and looked at me with confusion clear in her eyes.

I never expected to see you again. She said softly, composed.I mean I hoped. I

hoped for a long time . . . but . . . I she could go on.

I hesitated before answering. I never intended to come back.

Then what are you doing here? she asked, confused with some hurt in her voice.

Im here to gain your forgiveness and to win your love back. I said honestly.

Tears flowed down her cheeks silently and I heard her jagged intake of breath.

My love? You told me that you didnt want me. You told me that I wasnt good for

you. What are you saying now? she choked out.

Im saying that Im a horrible person and I know that I dont deserve your

forgiveness but I love you, Bella. Just as I always have. I never stopped and I never

will. You are the only girl who is in my heart. The only girl that will ever own my

heart. Its yours.

Edward . . . dont. she begged.Dont say that. You have no idea how long Ive

waited for that. The tears flowed down her cheek and over the curve of her full lips.


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I . . . love you. I could never stop but you left me. It was so easy for you to leave

me.

Bella . . . leaving you . . . was the most horrendous thing I have done in my

century of life. It was the hardest thing Ive ever done and Ive regretted it since the

moment I said the words. I explained.

But why? Why did you leave me? she choked out the tears spilling down her face

like wildfire.

Because I had to keep you safe if nothing else, I was going to keep you safe. Safe

from me. Safe from what I am. I just wanted you to be happy, Bella.

Happy? Edward did you even consider the fact that you made me happy? That

youre the only one that can keep me safe and make me happy? I loved you so much

Edward and I still do but you have no idea how hard this last year and a half has been

for me. she seemed like she was building this up for a long time now.

Everything has changed so much, Edward.I knew where she was headed. There

is someone in my life that I care very much about and hes been there for me. Been a

true friend. She looked at me in the face. I . . . hes my best friend.

And you love him . . . dontyou? I asked already knowing that. It was so

transparent.

Yes I do. She touched my face. But not the way that I love you. Im not in love

with him. I could . . . but you . . . youre still in here. She took my hand and placed


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it over her heart. Still things have changed. She repeated looking down. My hand

was till over her heart. I could feel her pulse racing through my palms.

I got what I wanted, somewhat. She still loved me but . . .I wont stand in your

way if you want to be with him. I know I dont deserve another chance. I said

resigned.

Edward . . . a love likewhat I feel for you . . . it never goes away. I couldnt

make itgo away. I cant stop loving you. I just . . . She caressed my face. It felt like

such a great pleasure though it was short-lived.

Ill go Bella. I dont want to stand in the way of your happiness. I turned to

leave and she grabbed my hand. The warmth of her skin on mine did strange things to

my body. Awaking the human man that had died so many decades ago. So much joy.

Insurmountable. The electricity sung from her skin into mine.

Dont go. She pleaded. The yearning warring with the self-control and confusion

shone plainly in her oddly readable brown eyes. If she wanted me to stay, Id stay as

long as she wanted.

But oh no. the werewolf was coming. His scent hit me hard from the vicinity of the

back door.

Bella, I have to go. Your friend is coming. Ill come back I promise. I said raking

in the pain in her eyes.

Dont leave me! she pleaded.


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Ill come back when youre friend is gone. I promised.

She held on to my hand obstinately. Unmoved.

Bella, I promise. I stared deeply into her eyes willing her to understand.

If I didnt leave now, there would be a fight.


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4. Decisions

I dashed out of the house and hid in the trees and hoped that he wouldnt catch

my scent on her. I didnt want to fight the boy.

Bella? I heard him call from behind her.

I heard her deep intake of breath.

Jake, She cleared her throat. Youre back. Is everything alright?

Yes. I just wanted to check on you. Have you eaten since I left? You look really

pale. He commented.

Im fine. She said. Through his eyes I could see her eyes drop from his.

Bella, dont lie to me. Please. Are you really okay? he said touching her face.

Yeah, just a bit tired. She lied smoothly. She was getting better at lying or

maybe pretending.

Lets get you to bed then.

He took her upstairs and covered her and kissed her forehead. He turned to leave

and she caught his hand. Stay with me a while.

Of course. He promised lying next to her. Sleep, Bella.


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Bella, how do I tell you that theres a psycho vampire trying to kill you? I dont

want you to be scared. Then how do I tell you that your vampire ex is in town and

how can I trust him to stay away from you?

He lay there closing his eyes deep in thought. Eventually his breathing developed

into a soft snore. I hated knowing he was lying there, in her bed as they both slept. I

could no longer see Bella but then the front door opened. Bella emerged calling softly

for me.

She said she cared for him but I saw what she didnt . . . she loved him. It was

completely evident. Maybe her feelings for me wouldnt allow her to see what was

right there in her own heart.

Edward? she whispered. After a few seconds. I feel stupid. She muttered to

herself.

Edward? she called again softer this time. I guessed that the werewolf was

deeply asleep in her bed.

I emerged behind her.Im here.

She was slightly startled but composed herself in a moment and smiled, Can we

go somewhere and talk? she asked.

I nodded and whisked her into my arms --- it felt so good to do this --- and ran her

to the meadow. Our meadow. While I ran my eyes never left her face. She was staring

ahead but every few seconds her she would look at me in her peripheral vision and

blushed every time I caught her peeking.


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This was how it was meant to be. How it would be if I could become human for

Bella. I could be with her without risking her life. I could make her happy. Even more

immensely than she has made me. The werewolf however was going to be a hindrance

because whether she saw it or not, he was a part of her life and a much bigger part

than she thought. A much bigger part than I could bear.

I remembered feeling like this. This intensely dark emotion that I only felt when I

was at Forks High School with Bella and that despicable Mike Newton would be

constantly thinking about Bella, weaving disgusting fantasies in his head. They were

so crude that I would have killed him just to get rid of those images that were

imprinted on my brain. Not to mention that he was constantly asking her out on

dates.

It helped that Bella hadnt even been the slightest bit interested in him. But the

contempt and pure jealously that I felt because of her relationship with Jacob Black

was unprecedented. It was ten thousand times worst than Mike Newton. Bella hadnt

cared for Newton but she cares for Jacob. She may even love him. I blanched at the

thought.

Even though I grasped what she hadnt, even with her intuition that was usually

dead on, a part of me didnt want to be right. I didnt want to believe that she loved

him. That he was in her heart. But I was being selfish. She only did what I expected.

She moved on and she met someone else. How could I not expect her to? I left her! I

was the biggestfool on the entire planet.


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I love her so much but a part of me wonders if it is not better this way. This love

was an impossible one. Wanting to be with her while not wanting to hurt her. I

couldnt reconcile either one. She would be better off.

We reached the meadow then and I set her on her feet. Never taking my eyes of

her face, gauging every expression and reaction. The meadow was in bloom, there

were wildflowers everywhere and the sun only enhanced the effect making the little

meadow sparkle with magnificence and beauty. But not even this beauty could touch

that of Bellas. The most beautiful thing in the world. My world.

So delicate and kind. Caring and nurturing. How could anyone not love her? So

good and pure and loving. She is such a selfless soul and deserves nothing but utmost

happiness. But can I give that to her when I constantly put her in the face of death?

Wow! My memory hasnt done it justice. She whispered breaking into my

thoughts. Its so beautiful.

Not as beautiful as you are. I whispered touching her face. She inhaled deeply at

my touch. Her heartbeat picked up and her face turned red.

I dont want to have to choose. Please dont make me choose because someone

will get hurt. Ill get hurt. She whispered jaggedly.

I dont want to hurt you. Ever again. I love you, Bella. I love you so much . . . it

hurts.

She shook her head, No . . . thats how much I love you. She whispered softly.


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When you left me . . . my life was barren. It was nothing. I couldnt breathe in

so long. I couldnt think about you because it hurt . . . not only in here, she pointed

to her heart. But it was a physical pain that brought me to my knees. That made me

scream out at night and left me more alone than Ive ever been in my entire life.

She paused trying to steady her voice.

Bella . . . I --- she held one finger up to stop me.

Let me finish. Jacob . . . he kept me in one piece. He made me smile again. He

made me laugh again and he made me feel alive again. I never thought I would. I had

made up my mind that if I couldnt be with you, I wasnt going to be with anyone.

Being around Jacob never changed my love for you but it gave me some happiness

again.

I nodded.

She looked up at the sky and then at me, He became my best friend and the one

person I had to turn to. One who didnt watch me waiting for the tears. But I still

havent let you go yet and I cant be unfair to him, he saved me when my life was

hanging off a steep cliff by just a strand and I think he loves me, Edward.

Her eyes dropped to the soft grass beside her, Bella . . . look at me. I would not

stand in your way if you were to decide to be with him. I just needed you to know

how I felt. I just need you to know why I left. Please let me explain.

She nodded.


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I lied to you . . . its as simple as that. I lied to you. You mean everything to me,

Bella. Everything. And it was ripping me up inside when I was telling you goodbye. I

couldntstand those days, hours and minutes that Id spent without you. Every time I

closed my eyes, I would see your face smiling back at me and know that Id lost you.

That Id left the only person that Ill ever love. The only person that could ever mean

more than life itself to me. I paused looking at the tears smarting in her eyes and

seeing the pain this was causing her.

Bella, I love you so much . . . so much that I cant live without you. I just cant

and it kills me to see you with him. You say he is your best friend but I see that there

is more and it is killing me. I still want your happiness more than anything else . . .

even my own happiness means nothing in comparison to yours. If he is what you want

now . . . its okay. I understand and I dont want you to feel guilty about that. But if

you would decide to give me another chance then I would spend the rest of my

existence making this up to you. Id spend the rest of my existence loving you and

making you happy. Whatever you want Bella. Its your decision.


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5. Jacob

Bella:

Edward took me home and I went back slowly upstairs. Jacob was still sleeping and

I couldnt bear to wake him. I resumed my position next to him. He looked so

peaceful as he slept. He looked exhausted. I wonder why he is so tired. Oh Jake . . .

Edwards back and Im confused. I dont know what to do. Before it would have been

a simple choice. It would have been Edward without a shadow of a doubt but now . . .

a year and a half later . . . its harder because I had Jake now too. I know Jake is

hurting because he knows I still care for Edward. But he doesnt know how very much

I care about him, how much he means to me.

I examined Jacobs sleeping form and realized how lucky I was to have such a good

person in my life. I loved Jake. I did. But I thought it to be nothing more than

platonic. But looking at him now and remembering when he kissed me, I saw the

truth. I was blinded by my love and grief for Edward that I didnt realize that there

was love and passion in my heart for Jake too. Edward saw that too, even before I

did. I love Jake . . . too.

Why does life have to be so damned complicated? Things were so much easier

before Edward left. I know why he did it and I understand now. It doesnt hurt now.

He did it for me. He did it because he loves me. But Jake. I cant hurt him . . . not

after everything hes done for me and because I love him. I was still shocked that this


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had crept up on me. Caught me by surprise and made this situation much more

complicated than I wished it to be. I know he doesnt have a clue and I know how

much he would love to hear those words. I need to really think about this. Think

about what I really want.

Edward Cullen or Jacob Black.

I lay next to Jacob thinking about that. I must have drifted off to sleep because

the next time I opened my eyes it was dark outside. Jacobs arms were still around

me. I shook him gently and he woke up staring at me with bleary eyes.

Sorry I woke you. I whispered.

He smiled that warm smile that I loved. Its okay. Ive been asleep long.

When I looked at him I could see everything that I loved. His kindness, his warmth,

his love. The way that hes always there for me when I need him. How he keeps me

safe. Theres nothing I couldnt love about Jacob. Hes my best friend and I love him.

Kiss me? I whispered weirdly as a question and he complied immediately.

He kissed me softly but it was building. Edward couldnt kiss me so freely because

he was always being careful. Jacob kissed me and I held my own. My breathing was

becoming shallow as his lips moved to my neck. He kissed down my neck as he rolled

me on my back and pressed his body smoothly against mine. My fingers were

interlocked behind his neck as I pulled him tighter against me.


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Thank goodness Charlie wasnt home. Hed probably have a stroke if he walked in

on this.

I could feel the warmth of his skin burn into mine. . . .

Later that night I woke in the darkness in Jacobs arms.

Jake . . . you have to get up. Have you heard from my dad?

What? Huh? he whispered sleepily.

I got up leaving him there and going down to the kitchen to call Billy.

Billy? Its Bella. Have you heard from my dad? I was really starting to get worried

now. It was highly unusual for Charlie to leave me here alone unless . . . did Charlie

know that Jake was staying here with me? He must have. That could be the only

explanation.

Your dads still at Sues. He told me that he would be coming home in the

morning. I should have called earlier but Jake said hed tell you.

Jacob didnt tell me anything. I muttered confused and a bit angry because Jake

knew I was worried about my dad.

He must have forgotten . . . hes wiped out these days because Sams got them

running patrols a lot. Its nothing to worry about though. Sam says its just a routine

patrol but Im sure Jake didnt tell you about Charlie because it might have slipped

his mind.


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I was less angry now knowing that Id seen the same stupor in Jake earlier.

Thanks Billy. Goodnight.

~*~*~*~*~

The next morning Jake awoke and had breakfast before going off to run patrols

again with Sam. But before he left we had a short but very important conversation at

the breakfast table. A conversation that would change everything. Change both of our

lives.

Jake . . . last night . . .I paused hoping hed catch my drift.

I know . . . if you dont want anything more I understand. he responded

immediately.

No . . .I paused and his face dropped. I mean if you want to give this a try . . .

Really? he was surprised.

I nodded.

He smiled at me euphoric, Are you kidding, Bella? he took my face and kissed

my forehead. Of course . . . Ive been waiting for you to give me that chance for a

while now. I love you, Bella. he kissed my cheek.

I love you too, Jake. I whispered hugging him tightly. Edward, I thought. What

am I going to tell you?


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He become unresponsive when I said those three words, You do? I couldnt be

sure but I thought I saw tears forming on his thick lashes.

Yes.

Aw, Bells. Today has to be the best day of my life. He hugged me securely.

I have to go. Jake said pulling away unwillingly.

I nodded.

He smiled knowingly, Ill miss you, too.

I smiled. I never had to say anything. Jacob always knew what I was thinking. It

was almost like he could read my mind.

When Jacob left, I paced around the kitchen all morning waiting for Edward to

show up. Then as I turned around . . . he was there.

Edward. I jumped, startled. You scared me.

Im sorry. I didnt meanto. Bella, I already know what youre going to say. He

whispered with hurt in his voice.

You do? I asked surprised.

Yes, I do. You chose the werewolf. he said, resigned.

How did you know that? I asked confused and a bit suspicious. Did you listen,

last night? I asked, anger flaring and shame making my cheeks get hot.


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Im sorry . . . I know it was wrong but I just couldnt stand not knowing. When

you asked him to . . . He was choking on his words. That became too much for me

and I left.

Edward. . . I . . . I choked on my words.

You dont have to say anything. I understand.

Please . . . know how sorry I am. I do love you, Edward and I always will.

I know, Bella but you love him now, too and thats my fault. If I hadnt left you,

wed still be together and Id be the one you shared your kisses with but Im not. It

hurts but I do understand. I will always love you, Bella. Always. He kissed my

forehead and then disappeared.


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6. Pain

I ran home to the big white house on the river. Alice was waiting for me again. She

had nothing but sympathy in her eyes. She looked like if she could cry if she would.

She didnt follow me as I headed for the meadow where I could be alone. But she sent

Emmett to check on me. To see if I was alright. I wasnt.

Edward? Man, Alice told us what happened. It sucks. Im sorry. Emmett said

sincerely trying to be comforting. I just wanted to be alone. He seemed to sense that

as he squeezed my shoulders and disappeared into the trees.

Alice was relentless. She sent Jasper next. Hoping obviously that Jasper could

calm me enough to come home. I didnt want to come home. Jasper started using his

ability on me and then stopped realizing that I would come home when I was ready.

When I wanted to. He realized that I needed this time for myself.

Before he left he said, Wed all understand if you wanted to leave, Edward. This

upsets us all to see you distressed and to lose Bella. We know that youre suffering

immensely and we wont do anything to make that worse. Whatever you decide to do,

well stick behind you, brother.

Thank you, Jasper. Ill be home to speak with everyone when Ive decided. Right

now, I just want to be alone.

He nodded and then vanished. I just sat there trying not to think. Not to see those

mental pictures that protruded into my awareness every second. Seeing that werewolf


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touching Bellas body and her touching his. It makes me ill and furious. It basically

seemed like shed given him her virtue. But I stayed long enough like a sick peeping

tom to ascertain that she hadnt. I felt revolted with myself for even thinking she

would because she wasnt that type of girl. She was good.

Ive lost her. For good. I will never love again. Ill always look over her though.

Imnot leaving. I cant leave, even knowing that shes moved on. Ill always protect

her because thats all I can do. Ill keep hoping too, that someday, shell change her

mind.

I stayed in the meadow as long as I could stand to be there because other

memories started filling my head. Memories of me and Bella being here. I ran back to

the house and met the entire family in my room. An intervention?

Edward . . . Esme began.

What is this? I asked before she could get many words out.

Were worried about you, son. Carlisle answered.

Theres no need to be worried. Ill be fine.

This is my entire fault. I shouldnt have pushed you to do this, Alice thought

chagrined.

Its not your fault Alice. I comforted her. Everyone looked at her. I would have

gone to see Bella on my own anyway. I wouldnt have been able to stay away.


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Im sorry, she thought sadly.

I nodded not wanting to put her on the spot again.

Ive made a decision. Im going to stay. Were not going to move. Not because of

me.

Son, are you sure? We dont mind moving. Youve done it for us before. Carlisle

responded.

No, its okay. Im going to be okay. I promise. Were staying. But Im going to

visit Tanya for a while. I need to clear my head. I am going to come back. I turned to

leave.

Edward . . . Esme stopped me.My son, are you sure this is what you want to

do? she asked only concern in her eyes.

I knew this was tormenting her so much. She was ecstatic when I first fell in love

with Bella. Shed always hurt over me being alone. Now seeing me in such pain was

killing her inside and I knew Jasper could feel that because he was looking at her

now. Trying to calm her.

Mom, Im sure. I kissed her forehead and turned to leave hearing their thoughts

as I passed.

Poor kid, Emmett thought.

This is my fault, Alice lamented.


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My son, I hate seeing him suffer. Hes too good, Esme thought sadly.

Time will heal him, I hope, Jasper thought.

Poor Edward, he must be hurting so bad. I wish there was something we could do,

Rosalie thought.

Her thoughts surprised me. I knew from the start that Rosalie was not fond of Bella

or our relationship. But her thoughts were so sincere just now that I really saw the

depth of her feelings for me. She really did consider me a good brother and she hated

seeing me unhappy. I really underestimated her as a person. She has truly shown me a

side of her that I will cherish for its genuineness. I know she still doesnt like Bella.

That much I could gather from her thoughts but she cared for me and my happiness

and seeing me hurt saddened her.

I looked at her as I heard her thoughts and she met my eyes. I smiled at her and

she smiled back. I knew that shed understand from my smile how much her thoughts

meant to me. How much all of their thoughts and their love meant to me.

I ran to Forks, just to see Bella for the last time. It was late and I knew she would

be asleep. I scaled her window and she was alone in her bed and wrapped tightly in

her covers. A cold night. I could hear her fathers snores coming from down the hall.

His cruiser was in the driveway. With one last look at her face, I dropped from the

window sill and ran home to get my Volvo. Then I drove to the Denali wilderness to

get some alone time.


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Tanya found me as soon as I arrived and she met me at once with a huge embrace.

She was flanked by her sisters Irina and Kate. Kate looked happy to see me but I could

tell that Irina wasnt.

Killed my Laurent, those wolves. She thought sadly.

Im so sorry, Irina. I whispered.Though I really wasnt. I heard that Laurent had

tried to kill Bella. I forced myself to keep the grimace of my face.

Tanya and I walked and all the while she wondered what had brought me here

once more.

Edward, wont you tell me whats wrong? she asked taking my hand. She still

fancied me but this gesture felt purely friendly so I did not pull away.

Its Bella. Shes . . . moved on and I just needed some time to myself.

Oh. Im so sorry. She sounded sincere and truly worried about me. Like everyone

else.

Im trying to be strong. It hurts, Tanya. I hated being a coward and feeling so

weak. I would have never expressed my feelings like this before but now I was passed

being a loner. I couldnt keep these things inside me any longer. Tanya was like family

and she cared. She truly cared about why I was unhappy and so we sat and talked for

a long while.

Youre not a coward, Edward. You never have been. You are just in love, my

friend. She whispered looking up at the stars.


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Thank you, Tanya. For listening to me. I said gratified.

Im always here, Edward. And for you, I always will be. She whispered wistfully.

I smiled at her and kissed her cheek.

Her thoughts were frantic. I should go. She didnt want me to hear her thoughts.

She didnt want me to hear how much she still wanted me. Not while I was agonized.

She was trying to be a considerate friend. I appreciated that but as hard as she tried

she couldnt hide the truth. Not from me and I heard her thoughts anyway.

Tanya, its okay. You dont have to leave. Stay here with me. I placated her.

She sat back down and fell back onto her back into the snow looking up at the

stars.

I followed suit and we lay there both lost in our thoughts.

~*~*~*~*~

I awoke the next morning feeling nothing but guilt for what I had done to Edward.

The look on his face, so resigned and he tried so hard to hide his pain from me. His

last words lingered with me. Consuming my thoughts.

I will always love you, Bella. Always.

I had cried myself to sleep last night feeling the guilt consume me. My dad was

home so Jake didnt stay the night. Did I make the right choice? It shouldnt matter

because I love them both and Jake and I shared something special. When he kissed


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me, it was intense and beautiful. Of course if I were to reference this with my time

with Edward, it wasnt the same. Edward and I shared something otherworldly. I had

to stop making comparisons. I didnt make a mistake because I chose someone I loved

and someone who loved me.


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7. Doubt

My family didnt know that I was back. I told Tanya that I had to go back and see

them but I hadnt. I went to see Bella instead and things just kept looking bleak. To

see her with him looking at her with so much in love; It was killing me. This dog was

literally making me a very irate person which is not my usual nature. He was living the

life that I wanted. He was living my life with Bella. Should I keep fighting? I love her

enough that Id do anything to be with her again. But for right now, I needed to clear

my head. I drove back to the tranquility of the Denali wilderness.

I found Eleazar waiting there for me. He looked worried and uneasy.

Edward, what keeps you here? You know we are happy to have you, but Tanya

tells us that you are very unhappy.

Yes, Eleazar. Im in love with a human girl who has chosen a werewolf over me. I

think that would rank me as unhappy. I explained, detached.

No need to be harsh with me, dear one. I will leave you to your thoughts.

Thank you, Eleazar. And tell Tanya that I know she wants to speak with me so

stop hiding in the bushes. I laughed for the first time since I came back.

Tanya emerged from the trees looking embarrassed. I didnt think youd want to

talk. I didnt want to bother you.


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Youre not bothering me, Tanya. The company is good. I am lucky to have your

friendship and your support.

She nodded.

I appreciate everything youve done for me. Your kindness has really made me

feel somewhat at ease. But I would however like some time to myself before I go back

home.

I understand, Edward. Be happy. She whispered as she vanished into the trees.

~*~*~*~*~

Edward. Since that day that I made my choice, hed been on my mind. Constantly

in my thoughts. I love him. I would always love him. Then why didnt I choose him? I

fell in love with Jacob too but it wasnt as strong as the love I still felt for Edward.

The love that I would always feel for him. Was I too rash in making my choice?

One thing was for sure . . . I was going to find out . . .

~*~*~*~*~

Love. Bella. I sighed to myself. Lost. Bella. How badly I wish that I was human so

that I could be with her. That my fate wouldnt have broken us apart. I would leave

the eternal life behind if it meant that Bella could be mine again. What a dangerous


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thing love was. It made me feel so vulnerable, so lonely and heartbroken. Me! An

immortal! Bella . . . I love you.

Edward? Tanya called.

I could sense that she hated intruding but she had a message to deliver. Carlisle

was in her thoughts.

Tanya, is Carlisle alright? What is it? I asked anxiously.

No, hes fine but youhave a visitor. At home. In Forks. She whispered.

A visitor? Who is it? I wondered.

I cant say. Carlisle didnt give many details. Only that you need to come home.

Now.

I left immediately. A visitor. Who could it be? My heart wished fervently that it

was Bella.

When I finally reached home, I went straight to Carlisles study. It was very late

and I had broken many speed limits to get here faster. I wondered who would have

stayed so long waiting to see me.

Carlisle, Tanya said . . . I started.

Then she emerged . . . Bella! It was really her.

She had chosen the werewolf. I had seen her looking blissful in his arms not long

ago. What was she doing here then?


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Ill give you two some privacy. Carlisle said as he gathered his books and went

downstairs, touching my shoulder as he passed.

She loves you, son. I had a chat with her and I could tell. She loves you, still.

Carlisle thought as he passed and my eyes darted to Bella and away.

I just nodded to Carlisle and as he retreated, my eyes fixed on Bellas face. I

missed her face. Her pale, heart-shaped face that shone with color every time she

blushed, her long mahogany hair that hung loose and straight on the sides of her face.

Id been away from her for only three days now and it still made me sigh with

relief seeing her. Its hard for me to concentrate on anything but her even when shes

not there.

Bella . . . what are you doing here? I asked breaking the awkward silence.

She hesitated as if she wasnt sure herself.

Edward . . . I . . . she started.

Then she did the most unexpected thing. She just ran into my arms and embraced

me strongly, as strong as she was capable of, anyway. I hugged her securely, burying

my face in her hair.

I laughed, and it felt good to do this.

Whats this for? I asked, whispering in her ear. Not that I had any objection.


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Her breathing hitched when my whisper raised Goosebumps on her neck. Of course

that could just be because my breath was ice cold. But then as the warmth within me

started to diminish, blush colored her neck and flushed her face and the warmth

increased manifold.

Edward . . . she sighed.

She looked into my golden eyes then and I saw only love there. She touched my

face, stroking it. It felt so exquisite. Her touch was like nothing I had ever

experienced. I could feel an electric current running through my frame, with delight

that she was here in myarms. It almost felt like I had a pulse and it was racing. Still

there was some part of my mind that asked, what had changed? What had brought her

to me?

I know that those questions were insignificant right now because nothing mattered

but that she was here with me. Finally.

She let me go then and faced away from me.

Bella? I asked huskily.

Im so sorry. I shouldnt have done that. Im sorry. She whispered, her voice

cracking and her breathing hitched and broke.

I touched her then and she looked at me.

Bella, why are you sorry?I asked her, touching her face. She exhaled slowly at

my touch, leaning her face into my hand, her cheeks warming.

Because .. . I chose Jacob and I shouldnt be here. I dont know why I am. I just

really needed to see you. She paused looking into my eyes. I havent been able to

stop thinking about you since the last time I saw you.


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Its fine, Bella. I just want you to be happy. Always.

I should go. She whispered.

Dont go. I whispered.

She exhaled softly, I have to . . . because you have no idea how hard it is for me

to walk away right now.

She extricated herself out of my arms and turned to walk away.

As she left she whispered something under her breath to herself, probably

forgetting I could still hear her. But those words gave me hope.

Did I make the right choice? she asked herself and she walked away.


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8. Friends

Bella was unsure. She was unsure about her decision to be with the werewolf. This

gave me hope. I didnt care how long Id have to wait for her. I had forever stretched

out in front of me and if I had to wait that long to be with her, I would gladly do it.

I sat in the living room and I was unexpectedly tempted to go to my piano. I hadnt

played in quite a while but this hope was fueling a joy that had me eager to play

again. To play Bellas song, her lullaby. But I fought against the urge to hope because

if it came to nothing . . . Id be in misery forever.

The phone rang then, shrill and demanding.

But before it could ring a second time, Alice had already picked it up.

Its for you. She said speeding right next to me.

I took the phone and answered, Hello?

Edward. The voice on the other line responded.

Bella.

Yes? For the first time I was lost for words. I wasnt used to feeling like this.

Nothing and no one had ever made me feel so vulnerable and weak. It was as if I

wasnt the same person anymore and that kind of change was rare and lasting for us,

should it occur.


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I had thought that Bella had altered my person entirely when I fell in love with her

but it seems that Im still changing. Still changing,because of her. I dont know or

recognize myself anymore. Im not the same Edward that I once was.

Its Bella. She whispered.

I know, I answered. Are you alright?

Yes, I was wondering though . . . if . . . she whispered hesitantly.

Go on, I encouraged when she paused.

Well, I was wondering if we could meet and . . . talk. she asked softly probably

uncertain of my response. But of course I would meet her. That was a given. There

wasnt anything I wouldnt do for her.

Yes, we can. Where would you like to meet? I asked excited about the

opportunity to spend time with her.

Um . . . can we go to the meadow? she murmured.

Yes Bella, Ill meet you in fifteen minutes? I asked a smile in my voice.

She breathed a soft sigh of relief, but I still heard it and her voice cheered up,

Great. Ill see you then.

Bye. I murmured.

Bye, Edward. She said in a soft whisper.


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~*~*~*~*~*~

Im going to meet Edward. I know its very wrong and Im being unfair to Jake

but I feel like I have to make things right with Edward and I want him to be a part of

my life. Its unfair to Edward as well because his last words on the day I told him my

choice, lingered with me. He said that hed always love me. I would always love him

as well. Im so very confused. I cannot bewith them both but yet I cant be without

them both in my life.

Jacobs my best friend, he loves me so much and he sacrifices a lot for me. I

cant hurt him and I hate hurting Edward. Its tearing me apart. I dont really know

what the right thing to do is. Jacobs running wolf with Sam and the pack right now so

I can speak to Edward.

Knock, Knock, Knock.

I opened the door and saw Edward there waiting for me. That heartbreakingly

beautiful smile lit his face. I could do nothing but stand and stare at his god-like

beauty. And then the pain shot through my heart. He was no longer mine and that had

been my choice.

~*~*~*~*~*

Bella? Are you okay? I asked her as she stood there staring at me. It didnt

look like she was breathing. Her stare made me feel like I was melting into a puddle

of tranquility and love.


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My words broke her concentration.

Im fine. Shall we? she stepped forward.

We walked to the trees and then I scooped her into my arms and ran her to our

meadow and I placed her on the soft grass among the wildflowers. She sat there

marveling. She got her fill of the site until she finally looked at me.

Edward . . . she started pausing to take my hand. Her touch was so warm. So

gratifying.

Yes, Bella? I encouraged her to go on.

Her cheeks warmed as she continued, Ive been thinking and well . . . I was

wondering . . . if . . . we could be . . . she paused standing up and walking away

from me.

I was puzzled. What was she asking? I got up and started after her, taking her

hand and pulling her into my arms. Her cheeks blushed red and she smiled looking

down. There was a light breeze that increased her scent and I had to hold my breath

till it passed. The intoxication of her scent was the only thing that kept pulling me

away from her. It was one of the reasons that I left her and now lost her.

Friends? she finished finally looking up into my golden eyes.

Yes. I answered immediately, not taking any time to think it through but

grasping at the opportunity to be around her.


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Really? she smiled.

Of course, Bella. But you already knew that didnt you? I asked.

I wasnt sure but I hoped that youd say yes. She touched my face and took

my hand, sitting me down.

I just want us to remain a part of each others lives. I dont want to lose you.

She admitted, blushing and looking down.

I dont want that either Bella. . . I sighed finally.

For the strangest reason, I was unable to maintain conversation with her. I

wasnt sure what to say and it didnt seem like she did either.

We sat there in compatible silence sometimes looking at each other for

immeasurable moments. She would look into my eyes and remain there trapped by my

gaze. Her chocolate depths sparkling.

When night came, I took her home and she smiled at me touching my face.

Thank you. For spending the day with me. It was nice, she whispered.

For me as well, I agreed.


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9. Turmoil

I opened the door and walked up to my room, a small smile on my lips. Everything

was headed in a good direction. I cracked the door to my room and entered to get my

towel and bathroom necessities to go shower but something interrupted that.

Jacob.

He was lying across my bed, staring fixedly outside my window.

Jake? I whispered breaking the silence and pulling him back from his fixation.

Why? he whispered almost inaudibly.

What? I asked but I already knew what he meant.

How long have you known he was back? he asked, looking at me gauging my

reaction.

Not very long, I murmured walking to the bed and sitting next to him, taking his

hand. Are you mad at me?

No not mad, he said looking at my hand on his and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Disappointedis more like it.

He pulled his hand from mine and slid of the bed, pacing in front of me. I just

cannot begin to comprehend why you would see him. After all hes done to you.


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I just wanted to give him a chance to explain . . . he deserved that. I cant shut

him out, Jacob.

I told him to stay away from you, he growled under his breath. I heard it

anyway.

You what? When did you do that? The awful truth was beginning to dawn on me.

Jake was keeping secrets. Did you know he was back all along? I demanded when he

faced away from me.

I got up and marched up to him pulling on his arm, Answer my question, Jacob!

He released himself from my grasp and faced me, Yes, he glowered down at me.

I knew but he told me that he wasnt back for you so I let him go and he promised to

steer clear of you.

Bella, I did this for your own good. His face was softer now. Pleading.You

know what happened to you when he left before. I just didnt want you to ever suffer

like that again.

He took my face in his hands, Please, understand why I did this.

I removed his hands, I dont understand.

He took me into his arms, Bella. Please. Dont let this tear us apart. He leaned

in.

I averted my head, I just need some time to myself. To think.


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His eyes swam in moisture as he looked into my eyes. My heart contracted

uncomfortably in my chest at his pain but he wasnt going to be easily forgiven for

this deception. Even if it was with good intention.

Bella . . . dont. Please. He pleaded as I loosened his hold on me. I needed time

to think. To gather my thoughts and seeing him like this, looking so vulnerable, I knew

I couldnt bear it much longer. I was going to cave.

Im not . . . just allow me some time to myself, I touched his cheek.

He released me and turned to walk away. His hand paused on the doorknob,

Bella?

Yes?

I love you, And he walked out the door.

~*~*~*~*~*

Friends. It wasnt precisely what I wanted but it gave me some part of what Ive

desired. It gave me the excuse and opportunity to be around Bella. It could be just

like before except for the intimacy.

Alice found me in my room and sat on the floor beside my feet.

So . . . how are things going with you and Bella? she asked nonchalantly.

I laughed, Nice subtlety. Were making progress. Were . . . friends. I looked at

her face for her reaction.


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Friends?She thought. Its a start. Brings you guys together so thats good.

Alice, thank you. Youve been very supportive. Maybe I should go spend some

time with my new friend. What do you think?

It was early the next morning. Acceptable time for me to go see her.

Yes. Go. She thought smugly.Arent you glad now that I didnt let you give up?

Yes I am. Youre the best sister! I laughed and ruffled her spikes as I left.

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Bellas number. She picked up

the second ring. Hello? she answered.

Bella. I responded.

Edward? she whispered.

Yes . . . I was wondering if you would want to have lunch with me. I know its

redundant seeing as I wouldnt be eating but . . . I just thought we could spend some

time together. I felt like laughing. It sounded like I was asking her on a date. How

foolish. She would see right through me as usual.

Id love to, Edward but we dont have to go to lunch. Maybe we could spend the

day in the meadow again. That would be equally as nice.

I will be there in twenty minutes? I clarified because I wanted to be able to give

her enough time.

That would be great. She murmured. Ill see you then.


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When I arrived, she was waiting on the porch. She didnt see me at first. She

seemed preoccupied with her thoughts. What I wouldnt give to be able to hearher.

But I should respect her privacy.

Bella, are you alright? I asked pulling her from her reverie.

She looked at me not really seeing me. She was very distracted. She gave me an

approximation of a smile. Hey. Lets go, she whispered getting up and taking my

hand. I lifted her into my arms and as I ran, I studied her face. She was looking away,

lost in her head again. She seemed unhappy and worried at the same time. She had

that familiar and frustrating crease lining her forehead. I always hated seeing her

miserable.

When we reached the meadow, I sat her down on the soft grass.

Bella, what is the matter? I asked taking her face and forcing her to look at me.

Its not something that I should discuss with you. Its about . . . Jacob. She

whispered turning her face away again.

We were friends. This would bring us closer. She should know that I would be

there for her no matter what. That she could count on me.

Im fine talking about him with you. I want to help. Talk to me, Bella. I touched

her face.

She sighed, He lied to me. He knew you were back and he kept it from me.


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Bella, Im sorry. I heard his thoughts that day and as much as it kills me to say it,

he loves you a lot and I think he was just protecting you.

You know, youre an amazing person. I could tell how hard it was for you to speak

kindly of him. Thank you. She kissed my cheek. My body reacted oddly to her

intimacy.

You should take me home though. I should talk to him.

I nodded.

When we arrived back at the Swan residence, I saw him. His expression severe. His

jaw hard and squared with anger.

This was going to be very bad . . .


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10.Goodbye?

Jacob?

He stared at me wordlessly, his arms folded across his chest. His eyes slid past me

in a second and he focused a murderous glare on Edward. He seemed to be trying very

hard not to phase. I hoped to God that he wouldnt. Having the two of them fight

would be like killing me. I wouldnt be able to stand seeing either of them hurt.

Jake? I called again trying to focus his stare on me so that he would calm down.

I walked slowly to him and took his hand.

I half expected Edward to stop me because Jake wasnt in control right now. I

shuddered to think of what might happen if he were to phase with me so close.

Emilys scarred face flashed in my memory and I flinched away from the image and

centered on the very irate werewolf that

fiction- new moon- if bella hadn't cliff dived .

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