We know how to throw a festive bash. It’s simple: we just get our favourite stand-up to do it

Most of the parties you go to at this time of year are basically a gathering of warm booze and stale mince pies – not what we would call a banging night out. So, when Lee Nelson offered to host a Christmas party in the front room of one lucky ZOO reader, we knew it would be something that we could call a proper ZOO session.

And when we let him and his mate, fat legend Omelette, loose at the home of our competition winner – David Fuentes, 24, from Ware in Hertfordshire – he didn’t disappoint. With David’s whole family there (including his mum and dad), Jess Kingham and Jodie Gasson providing the eye-candy, drinking games and a constant stream of gags from Lee, we just wish every Christmas party was like this…

Lee Nelson is currently on tour and Lee Nelson Live is available on DVD now. Go to leenelson.com for details

What the expert saysJo Hemmings, a celebrity and behavioural psychologist, gives her verdict on Barton’s new-found tones

“Many Brits, especially those who don’t feel totally comfortable in their surroundings, do something called ‘speech accommodation’ – a subconscious gesture of adapting their speech, in terms of accent, tone and mannerisms – to the country they are in or to the native speakers whom they are with.

“The problem here is the fine line between adapting to make people feel more at ease and sounding utterly ridiculous, or even causing offence.

“I suspect Joey has been doing this a fair bit while in France, perhaps to compensate for his strong Scouse accent. He feels he’s making himself understood better, but a public press conference was probably not the best time to practice it!”

Le Joey Barton guide to speaking FrenchIn a Marseil le press conference last week, Joey Barton unveiled his bizarre new accent. Now you can learn Joey-French, too

H e a r J o e y ’s a c c e n t a t z o o t o d a y. c o m PI

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Lee Nelson’sW E L L G O O D

X m a s Pa r t y !

O H r E I N - D E a r !

L E E W I t H Z O O G I r L s & O m E L E t t E !

Q U a L I t E E E !

F O O t B a L L E r F r a N G L a I s !

Bonjour!I am looking for ze Eiffel

Tower, please. A bit l ike ze philosopher Nietzsche, who said, “When you look into ze

abyss, ze abyss also looks into you.” Deep, non?

Ah, Mickey Mouse – ze symbol of Western capitalist culture. But Le Smiths said,

“Zere are brighter sides to l ife and I should know

because I ’ve seen zem.” So, er, two tickets to Disneyland

Paris… merci

Non, it is not my French zat is bad. You probably do not understand me as I am a l ittle bit too intell igent

to be what zey call “le footballeur”, non?

I ’ave, ’ow you say, over a mill ion followers on ze

Twitter. Because zere is only one thing in l ife worse zan

being talked about – and zat ees not being talked

about, non? Even in France! #lookatmoi Ooh, la la! What times does

ze Louvre Art Gallery open? So I can stand around and

pretend to be interested. So I can look dead

clever, non?

L E s s O N O NE

a s K I N G D I r E C t I O N

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L E s s O N F OU r

B U y I N G t I CK E t s

L E s s O N F I V E B E I N G U N D E r s t O O D

L E s s O N t W O s O C I a L I s I N G

L E s s O N t H r E E ta K I N G I N C U Lt U r E