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By Jessica Brodie Jessica Brodie is an award-winning Christian journalist, author, editor, blogger, and writing coach. She is the editor of the South Carolina United Methodist Advocate (AdvocateSC.org), the oldest newspaper in Methodism. Learn more about her fiction and read her personal blog at http://jessicabrodie.com.

Photography by Matt Brodie

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When I married my husband, my expectations were

sky-high. I gained two bonus children in addition to my two biological, catapulting us into that strange and wildly misunderstood reality called a “blended family.”

While it’s a beautiful journey, one I wouldn’t trade for anything, it’s had rocky moments along the way – sometimes painful, sometimes magical, always far different from what I imagined at “I do.”

I cringe remembering the early me, thinking everything would be instantly perfect just because I imagined it so. I remember overanalyzing

every encounter with my step kids, reasoning they “didn’t like me” if they preferred to cuddle with their dad, or how hard my husband struggled to figure out his role in established routines with my kids. I remember our shock when our boys clashed over tidiness or our girls, great pals before the wedding, began to bicker like fairytale stepsisters.

But I’ve learned along the way that reality is far better than anything I could have imagined, and it all started when I stopped trying to control family dynamics and gave the reins to Jesus.

Today, our blended family embraces a new normal. Our

four stair step kids – nine, ten, eleven, and twelve – fight like all siblings, then dissolve into giggles in a heap on the living room floor. Sometimes for dinner I cook what I think is a crowd-pleaser that ends up suiting one. I confess I keep earplugs in the console for road trips.

But we’re a pack. A team. And we’re all in this together.

I think it’s that philosophy – we’re “stuck” together from now on, and as Christians, obligated to navigate this as Jesus would – that has helped us iron out kinks I see some “blenders” going through.

Blending isn’t easy. You’re mixing two parenting styles and a bunch of people into a

Everyday Life

Forget perfect–

Navigating a blended family, Christian style

Matt with his two children, Will & Allie, is on the left; Jessica

is between her two children, Cameron & Avery, on the right.

new situation, one not everyone’s entirely comfortable with. It’s no surprise many second marriages end in divorce.

While we’re far from perfect, I’ve found our recipe to family bliss lies in a parenting focus on God above self. Here’s what works.

LET GO

Left unchecked, I’m the kind of person who holds too tightly to those she loves—my children especially. At first, when they’d visit their other parent every other weekend, it was like losing a piece of myself.

But as the years have passed, I realize the experience, while difficult, has

helped me grow. It’s changed the way I love my family, helped me view the situation in a more beautiful light, and allowed me to be a better mother than I would be otherwise.

See, when I let them go, the only thing I can do is pray. I have to give it to God, trust that He’s in control, and move on. I could choose to worry the entire weekend, but that wouldn’t really be trusting God, would it? So I give it to God and let go.

Loosening one’s grip is hard – but it’s necessary if you want to live a full life. After all, even children can be idols if we let them.

Over time, I’ve applied these lessons to our blended family. I could cling to what our family was “supposed” to look like, how we’d get along, what traditions we enjoyed …

or loosen my grip and let the Holy Spirit help our family evolve naturally.

I chose the latter, and it turns out God’s plan for our family is far better than anything I’ve dreamed up. All we had to do was step aside, focus on Him, and trust.

LEGACY OF KINDNESS

Another thing that’s helped is allowing kindness to win. Awhile back, I started thinking about the distant future: How would our kids reflect on their childhood? How would they remember me as a mom or stepmom? That perspective has had a huge impact. See, as important as discipline and manners are, kindness is far more important. I want to be remembered as someone who treated people with sweetness and love.

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Yes, if a kid does something gross at the table, I reprimand him. Yes, if a kid lashes out in anger, she gets punished. But I do it with compassion. I speak to them, not at them. I deal with the issue at hand, not the bazillion I could invent or psychoanalyze.

I try to emulate Paul’s advice for the early church: Clothe myself with humility, gentleness, forgiveness, love, unity (Colossians 3:12-14). It turns out Paul’s a source for

some pretty phenomenal parenting advice.

Stepparents get a bad rap. Rarely do fairytales or movies portray loving, authentic “step” relationships. But that’s fantasy, not reality. We can’t let fairytales dictate what agape love looks like. As Christians, we live a different way; that means modeling it in our families, too.

So when it comes down to reprimanding a nitpicky grievance or, instead, giving a hug and modeling the right behavior, I choose the latter. I choose kindness.

TEAM PARENTING

Kids like to divide and conquer. Even in non-blended families, if Mom says no, ask Dad—maybe you’ll get a different answer. We combat this by parenting from a united front, something absolutely essential to cohesiveness in a blended family.

I’m not my step kids’ mom, but I’m their parent, just like my husband is my kids’ parent, though he’s not their

“dad.” If my husband thinks my kids shouldn’t eat candy, even if I think it’s no big deal, I back him up. If I ask my step kids to put their shoes by the bin, he backs me up. We’re a team.

Their other parents are on the team, too, which was a conscious choice. In the beginning, I was tempted to keep what happened in our house to ourselves. I didn’t want to “share” tips or strategies. But I prayed about it and realized my selfish attitude wasn’t going to benefit anybody.

Today, we keep the other parents and grandparents in the loop and occasionally seek input on discipline strategies so we’re all on the same page. This means the kids have loving structure and an emphasis on obedience in every aspect of their lives – and also don’t get to win if they try to play Mom vs. Dad vs. Stepparent.

God’s on our parenting team, too. If we encounter difficult situations, we bring them to God; He wants to help.

POWERFUL PRAYER

Daily, I pray for strength and patience to be a good mom and wife. And every two weeks when we get my step kids, I pray an extra-special prayer: that God helps me be the best stepmom possible.

In today’s me-first culture, sometimes we make kids’ misbehavior about us, not them. We think they’re “picking on me” or “being mean.” In a blended family, these me-centered thoughts can escalate, as we might be inclined to read all

sorts of unnecessary things into the equation, like, “He wouldn’t be doing this with his ‘real’ parent.”

But parenting isn’t about “me”; it’s about them. When conflict arises, we cannot take their behavior personally. Life is tough enough without reading into everything. If your child dodges your hug, give space. If someone’s “sassy,” reprimand objectively, not emotionally. If your spouse needs to step in, ask.

It’s not easy curbing oversensitivity, but it helps to intentionally pray for the ability.

Every family struggles with different dynamics. But when we choose to parent with one eye on the cross, keeping biblical values at our core, we can have the kind of earthly family God wants for us – in preparation for our eternal family. ROC

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