from troubled waters to water under the bridge
TRANSCRIPT
From Troubled Waters to Water Under the Bridge:A Panel About Conflict Management
Jenn Sramek, Shannon Vettes, Angie Byron
IntroductionsJenn Sramek
Shannon Vettes
Angie Byron
Agenda
3 Stories
Agenda:
- Our Conflict
- What Would You Do
- Management Strategies
Wrap-up/Take Aways
Q&A
“L’enfer, c’est l’autre”
“Hell is other people.”Jean-Paul Sartre ~ Huis Clos/No Exit
A Tale of a Discovery that Takes a (Deep) Dive
- Conditions
- Numerous people…
- Many of them meeting for the first time…
- In a warm room…
- For a week together...
- High pressure for everyone…
- Agenda is set prior to the week...
- With little time for conflict if we want to
complete it....
- Distractions are present (laptops, competing
Jenn’s Conflict Analysis
- What happened?
- Because the larger team was meeting for the first
time, everyone was “on it”
- So was I!
- How did this show up? (Conflict elements)
- Conflict and disagreement among individuals,
individuals vs. group and group vs. group
- Competitive vs. Cooperative attitude; noticeable to
everyone
- Progress was slow through the first day’s agenda,
pressure increased anxiety
From the end of day one of this
Discovery, what would you have done?
A. Had a meeting of the whole team in the morning
to address conflicts
B. Addressed conflicts as they arose, but with new
strategies
C. Address conflicts with the individuals directly,
privately
D. Something else?
AUDIENCE POLL TIME!
Mischief Managed- How did we resolve the problem?
- Reviewed the day with the team (internal)
- Discussed each stakeholder, their wants and needs, and how
to move them toward productivity
- What were the tactical actions?
- Calling out wants and needs during the workshop discussions
to confirm/validate them
- Addressing individual conflicts as they showed up
- Addressing individual concerns privately with concerned
parties
- Diagnosis
Resolution Technique to Diffuse or Redirect Difficult Personalities
● #1 Identify
○ Identify the type you are dealing with (Tanks,
Downers, Passives, and Better Thans)
○ Remember: Do not try to change them (ie. get the
passive person to stand up for themselves)
Types of Difficult Personalities
● Tanks are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will do
anything to get it.
● Passives are also known as Push-Overs, Yes (Wo)Men, and Weaklings. They may not
contribute much to conversations or people around them and allow others do the hard work.
● Better Thans are also known as Know It Alls, One Uppers, or Show-Offs. They like to try
to impress you, name-drop and compare.
● Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Derek/Debbie Downers. They always have
something bad to say. They complain, critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
● Try to understand them and direct their energy more productively. This will
help you:
○ Better predict their likely choices
○ Understand why you (or others) are triggered. (Hint: Find the
difference in what people value?)
○ Appeal to what they value instead of what you value
#2: Redirect
● Don't let them be toxic to you
○ Ask specific questions; find what they are excited about
○ Find the *right* situations to include them, and the right ones to exclude them
○ Maintain boundaries for yourself
○ Escalate or get support if you cannot get things productive
#3: Detoxify
Difficult Personality Type #1: Tanks
- What is this type?
- Tanks are known as being explosive, a handful, or bossy. They want their way and will
do anything to get it.
- How did I recognize the Tank?
- Resisted discussing and adapting to new ways of doing things
- Argumentative, tried to take control of the discussion to argue minor points
- Wanted to place themselves as a lynchpin or “gate” to decisions, even if not appropriate
- How did I defuse the Tank?
- Worked with them to identify things they can own that make sense
- Made sure to include them actively in discussions “What do you think, Sue?”
Difficult Person #2: Passives
- What is this type?
- Passives are also known as Push-Overs, Yes (Wo)Men, and Weaklings. They may not contribute much to conversations or
people around them and allow others do the hard work.
- How did I recognize the Passive?
- They were the “silent stakeholder” and kept their opinions to themselves even when asked for them
- They deflected or avoided ownership of tasks or coordination (“Fred already has that handled”, “I am not sure I have the time”)
- They visibly lacked self-confidence (and this may have been due to another team member)
- How did I defuse the Passive?
- Interacted with them one-on-one, where they were less likely to be actively contradicted or argued with by others
- Found out who they needed to please and made sure there was a clear path to pleasing them
Difficult Person #3: Better Thans
- What is this type?
- Better Thans are also known as Know It Alls, One Uppers, or Show-Offs. They like to try to impress you, name-drop and compare.
- How did I recognize the Better Than?
- They asked questions that felt like “a test” rather than to move the project or conversation forward
- They often listed or highlighted their own experience, or pointed to it as superior, before making a point
- They interrupted or negated things others said, and seemed to argue for the “fun” of it
- How did I defuse the Better Than?
- Found a way for their skills and expertise to shine; gave them a way to make a name for themselves in the new context
- Acknowledged that a foundational decision did not go their way, and tried to get them to see new ways to win under current conditions
Difficult Person #4: Downers
- What is this type?
- Downers are also known as Negative Nancys or Derek/Debbie Downers. They always have something bad to say. They complain,
critique and judge. They are almost impossible to please.
- How did I recognize the Downer?
- They were very critical of even brainstormed ideas
- Interactions with her seemed to increase anxiety
- Noticed myself and others being accommodating or adapting their behavior to “please” (even if it did not work)
- How did I defuse the Downer?
- Similar to the Better Than, we acknowledged that a foundational decision did not go their way, and tried to get them to see new ways
to win under current conditions
Love Hate Relationship
Our story begins like this
Once upon a time...
New Project Energy.
Trust
Pressure
A few mistakes later...
A seed of doubt.
Trust
Pressure
Many more “mistakes” later...
First I spoke with the Vendor
“Watch out for
these people,
I’m telling you,
the customer is
a total B****.”
Then, I spoke with the Customer
“They’re crooks. They
just want to get more
business & money out
of us. They don’t
actually care about
solving our problems.”
Who do I
believe?
It Doesn’t
Matter.
No one
was at the
table.
So what happened here?
- Key Conflict Areas:
- 1/ Crisis of Trust
- Misaligned expectations
- Poor project leadership
- Power Struggles
- 2/ Communication Cultural differences (both regional & company-focused)
- Tone: mutual hostility fueled the fire.
- Phrasing: the one expected very explicit instructions, the other didn’t.
- Approaches: the one expected iterative changes, the other didn’t.
AUDIENCE POLL TIME!
A)Tell the team life is too
short & move on.
B)Help the customer
because they’re your
bread & butter.
C)Help the partner
because there are more
projects at stake.
D)Stay impartial, try to
mediate.
Shannon’s Solution Story
1) Get your head right.
- Accept that conflict is perfectly
Normal.
- Don’t Ruminate .
- Find your calm-down strategy.
Shannon’s Solution Story
2) Resolve the trust crisis.
- Generate Empathy
- Motive analysis, check your
perception
- Know what the issues are, not what
your position is
- Find the 3rd story
- Focus on the problem(s), don’t
categorize the person
Shannon’s Solution Story
3) Focus on the Goals.
- Don’t focus on your position, but rather
the common goals
- Treat it as a challenge, not a problem
- Try to find the win-win
Shannon’s Solution Story
4) Communicate Nonviolently
- Focus on feelings and behaviors
“When you do _________, I feel
______, and I would like _____ ”.
- Be ready to listen to their I statements
Shannon’s Solution Story
5) Be ready to listen the “right” way...
- Sense: The meaning
- Feeling: The emotions
- Tone: The how
- Intention: The why
Shannon’s Solution Story
6) Collaborative actions
- Decide
- Do
- Follow up and follow through
Community Conflicts
Take your average "normal" conflict and ramp it up to 11.
Specific challenges
The Quadrant Graph of Awesomeness!™
Awesome at
what they do
Awesome people to work with
The Quadrant Graph of Awesomeness!™
Awesome at
what they do
Awesome people to work with
Awesomeness!
:D
The Quadrant Graph of Awesomeness!™
Awesome at
what they do
Awesome people to work with
Awesomeness!
:D
Mentoring!
=>
The Quadrant Graph of Awesomeness!™
Awesome at
what they do
Awesome people to work with
Awesomeness!
:D
Mentoring!
=>
Buh-bye!
The Quadrant Graph of Awesomeness!™
Awesome at
what they do
Awesome people to work with
Awesomeness!
:D
Mentoring!
=>
Buh-bye!
An oldie but a goodie...
Behold, the dread:
https://www.drupal.org/node/107061 (Add jQuery Teaser Splitter)
"Don't hesitate to stick
your head in a microwave
oven, and grill until
satisfied."
Core committer :\
You're new to this community. What are your
takeaways?
● This community condones people insulting others who are
asking reasonable questions.
● I am now scared to speak up, because I might get publicly
chastised. (And by a project leader, no less!)
● if I am an asshole who likes insulting others, I think,
"Great! This is the community for me!"This is not a "meritocracy." It is a collection of people
who are willing to put up with other peoples' crap.
AUDIENCE POLL TIME!
A. Do nothing at all.
B. Reach out to "victim"
privately and show
support.
C. Call "attacker" out
(privately or publicly).
D. Report to the
Community Working
Group and have them
What happened: humour used to diffuse the
situation
What happened: humour used to diffuse the
situation
...
😱
😡
😱
😡👸
Change
the game.
"Hi, kbahey. You should be
able to find answers to those
questions in the issue
summary. If it's unclear, feel
free to edit based on the
previous responses. I'd like to
keep this issue focused on
architectural reviews."
Wrapping
up
Key Takeaways
- Use the right value language for each
personality type
- Use non-violent communication: "I feel ___
when you do ___ and I would like ___."
- Joint goal setting is key to getting to a win-
win.
- Conflict is both inevitable and natural.
- Have empathy for both yourself and others.
- Seek the "third story" out in any conflict.
Resources & References
Shannon’s talk was influenced by & references these works:
● Non-Violent Communication
By Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD
● The Art of Conflict Management: Achieving Solutions for Life, Work and Beyond
By Professor Michael Dues
● Getting to “Yes”
By Roger Fisher, William Ury
● Conversation Tactics: Strategies to Confront, Challenge and Resolve book 2
By Patrick King
● How to Have that Difficult Conversation
By Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud
● Emotional Intelligence 2.0
Q&A
Does anyone in the audience have a conflict they would like to ask the panel
about?
WHAT DID YOU THINK?
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http://vienna2017.drupal.org/schedule
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https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/drupalconvienna