fyvbook story excerpt

Need clarity on what to do next? Lost that "spark" somewhere along the way? Finding Your Voice - the perfect gift for yourself or someone in life's transition. Say "NO" to the noise and "YES" to your life. Joel Boggess has Master's degrees in counseling and business. He has been a life and career coach since 2006. Finding Your Voice will help you get back in touch with the real you to live your best possible life.

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Like so many people, Jeff thought he had to control everything to be a responsible father and husband. He also believed that at some point he might actually get every task on his list completed—and then he could do what he really wanted. Through some self exploration, he discovered neither of those beliefs were true.

“I was caught up in the idea that if I could do more, somehow I would feel better inside,” Jeff says. In reality, the opposite occurred. “I kept checking things off my list, but I didn’t feel like I was doing anything important. Trying to do it all built up anger and resentment in me.” When Jeff created his Vision Board during coaching, his priorities quickly became evident: He wanted to spend more time with his family and build a platform as a food blogger and chef. He was a new dad and an aspiring entrepreneur. Jeff evaluated his priorities, his season of life, and his strengths. Then, he sorted out the activities dividing them up by things for which he needed to be personally responsible, and things that could be assigned to someone else. He discovered the truth behind the phrase my friend Larry Winget uses: “Success is a process of elimination.” By eliminating the activities that rob your time and energy, all you have left is success. For example, Jeff realized that while he is great at executing a plan, he isn’t analytical. So, while it felt strange at first to, for example, hand over the responsibility of keeping books to his wife, he says it was freeing. “The difference in my life has been all-encompassing. I can’t even explain the peace that has come over me. I finally realized I don’t have be everything to everybody.” “Delegation has been huge,” Jeff says. “At first I thought it would be easy. Occasionally, I still think I’m putting the person out by asking for help, but in reality I know I’m empowering both of us.” Jeff shared an example of hiring someone to fix a sprinkler head in his lawn. “In the past, I would have just done it myself,” he says. This time, Jeff contracted the job to a landscaper. “Instead of working all day in the yard, I got to spend time with my daughter.” The simple shift from thinking he had to do it all to delegating tasks that others can do enabled him to reclaim time for his family and for himself.

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“Now, I’m being deliberate with my time and taking care of my own emotional needs. I realized if my own tank isn’t full, I’m not good for anyone else.” Jeff isn’t alone in his (former) belief that if something was going to get done, he had to be the one to do it. The world is full of control freaks. If you’re one of them—and would like to change that—ask yourself:

• Why do you feel the need to do it all? • List two to three “no-brainer” tasks that you can immediately delegate or

dismiss. How would not getting rid of disposable tasks keep you from fully expressing your voice?


My controversial idea on “work life balance” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard clients and friends say, “If I could just get a handle on things and create some balance, then maybe I could sit down long enough to think about what I really want to do.” Does that sound like anyone you know? Maybe even you? If you’ve been waiting for life to slow down so you can do what makes your heart sing, I have to ask, in my best Dr. Phil voice, “How’s that working for you?”

Jeff contacted me about coaching because he wanted balance—or so he thought. Between his existing real estate business, his fledgling food blog, a family he adores, and all the little things that keep modern life in motion, he ran nonstop—and still felt behind. Jeff wasn’t looking for Zen-like peace, but he longed for a life with less chaos and more meaning. In his own life, the harder he worked to keep all the plates spinning, the more he wanted to pursue his true voice. For years, he had operated under the self-limiting belief that work wasn’t supposed to be enjoyable. Additionally, he suffered from the all-too common control-freak complex. His mantra was: If it’s going to get done, I have to be the one to do it. Like a repetitive one-two punch, his beliefs kept knocking him back. As he puts it, “My life was full of distractions. And I wasn’t managing them. The distractions were managing me.” Although he said he wanted balance, what he really wanted was to add some fun back into his life and become the man he was called to be. Unfortunately, spending more time on his hobby seemed out of the question; he already felt bad for not being able to give his family the time and attention they deserved. Held captive by his calendar, Jeff hesitated before signing up for coaching. Even though he knew he wanted to change the way he lived, he feared the commitment would turn into just one more appointment in his already overcrowded schedule. When he mentioned the idea of balance in our initial interview, I had to be honest. I don’t believe in balance. In fact, I cringe when people talk about work-life balance. Pop culture paints an idealistic picture of a Utopian environment where everything and everyone lives in harmony. The kids behave, get all A’s, and are well adjusted. Work is meaningful and fulfilling. And marriage and family relationships are all in sync. (Get real!) The problem is, while it sounds great in


theory, balance doesn’t play out well (or at all) in real life. Think about the tightrope walker at the circus. Sure, he can manage to teeter on that wire but, boy, it takes a lot of work! Every muscle in the performer’s body is tensed—every thought focused on not falling. Just imagine if that tightrope walker had to wobble on the high wire for an hour, a day, a year, or for a lifetime. Our culture tries to convince us life is a balancing act. But is it really possible or desirable to sustain the level of physical and emotional effort required to live a perfectly balanced life? The questions I offered in response to Jeff’s search for balance struck a chord with him—maybe it will for you too. Do you think life is really about balance, or is it about focusing on what really matters to you? What would happen if, instead of striving to live up to unrealistic expectations, you got really clear about your priorities and lined up your attention and intentions based on that focus? How would that focused activity change the way you experience life?


Feel Stuck? Your next step could be easier than you think…

Have you ever watched a creative cook in the kitchen? A dash of this, a dollop of that, a pinch of something else...and the next thing you know, you’re biting into a delicious concoction for which no recipe exists. The same approach that can work wonders in the kitchen can also work wonders in your life. Unfortunately, rather than experimenting and “taste

testing” along the way many people approach every decision as if life and death hang in the balance. One wrong choice, and BAM! It’s over. The pressure to make the right decision becomes so intense, the tendency can be to do nothing rather than make a wrong decision. But what if you approached life differently (with a new belief perhaps) and assumed that by and large, most things work out OK and the things that don’t generally aren’t major catastrophes? What if you chose to see each situation for what it really is? A chance to grow. If you tend to get stuck in indecision for fear of making a wrong move, try removing the drama from your decisions. Release the pressure to make the “right” decision by realizing that there may be several good choices. If you don’t love the results of the first experiment, scratch it and go on to the next choice. Take a minute to complete this thought: I’ve always wanted to.... Why haven’t you done whatever it is you wrote on the lines above? What has been holding you back? How could you experiment with that idea? By giving yourself permission to try something on a temporary basis, you free yourself from the fear of failure. It’s OK if your experiment fails. Testing an idea’s merit is what experiments are for. Maybe it will work. Maybe you’ll love it. Or maybe you’ll decide it isn’t for you after all. You could study a subject that interests you, volunteer with a cause that tugs at your heart, take an internship or short-term apprenticeship, plan a trip to a place you’ve never been before, take on one client on a freelance assignment. You don’t have to commit for a lifetime, and you might discover something that stirs your soul like never before.


Two years ago, Deby’s voice began to tremble. As doctors searched for the cause and a cure, her voice weakened until it one day it was completely gone. Deby had been a singer and songwriter all her life and was just beginning a speaking and coaching career. She needed her voice to survive financially. Through her pain and frustration, Deby heard a voice within her that told her to paint. ‘This is play. This is a discovery.’” Her art teacher Dorsey’s instruction to the class was to remain unattached from the work – to be ready to rip it up and use it in another way. Dorsey removed all the stress from the learning process—something Deby desperately needed. During a time when she couldn’t speak, her art served as both a way to express herself and a source of healing. Over the next few months her voice slowly returned, but she knows she will never give up her newfound love of painting. Besides, she has been able to sell several paintings and is using that money to send her teenage grandson to a school in England. Deby’s discovery of her passion for painting also helped her realize she may have other untapped gifts. “If this was hidden within me, what else could I have missed?” Are you willing to give yourself permission to “rip up your work”? In other words, can you experiment without demanding perfection from yourself? What talents or gifts might you have overlooked or missed? Remember to experiment with Life - the world is still a playground.


But what would people think?

Have you ever thought, I’ d love to... be a stay at home parent, get a job, move across the country or to the other side of the planet, start a new business or a charity, write a book, or ____________ (fill in the blank with your own wild dream), but what would people think? You aren’t alone. Jacquelynn fought against the confinement of social expectations when she decided to make a career switch from nursing to acting. “Nursing is noble,” she says. “When I tell

people I’m a nurse, they say, ‘Oh, that’s so great!’ or ‘You’re such an angel.’ But when I started telling people I wanted to act, the reaction was usually something like, ‘That’s what kids do.’ It’s easy to have a socially acceptable career. Acting, or really any of the arts, are looked at more like a hobby, not a vocation.” As Jacquelynn experienced, it can be tough to fight against others’ expectations, but fighting yourself is far more difficult. The energy she exerted attempting to deny her dream left her exhausted and the stress taxed her health and her relationships. The day she finally gave into what she really wanted, her shift in focus and energy changed dramatically. In a very real sense, she had spent years fighting a losing battle. My encouragement to her was to stop fighting herself. “Lay down the gloves; surrender to who you are—and also to who you are not”. That moment, she said, “Tension and stress immediately left my body.” In the following weeks, she created a workable plan to transition into her new career. She has since secured several professional acting gigs and is intentionally working to build contacts and pursue her dream. Bottom line: If you’re going to rattle your own cage, you can be sure you’ll ruffle a few feathers. Don’t allow others’ expectations - or your perception of others’ expectations—to keep you from soaring.


Does God want me to follow my dreams?

One of the top reasons people give for not pursuing their passions is - God. Really? With good intentions, people have a tendency to say things like, “I don’t want my passion, I want God’s passion,” or “I don’t know if this is God’s will.” While it’s easy and perhaps even socially acceptable to delay action with questions about God’s will, I’ve learned those questions can be a convenient excuse for not moving forward. Meditation and reflective prayer can help you find God’s direction. It may also help to consider these questions:

• Do you believe God created you with unique skills, talents, and passions? • If God created you with all your unique traits, is it possible that He instilled

your passions in you because He wants you to do something with them? • Could it be that you have a responsibility to identify and use your

passions? I want to encourage you not to ignore what God may be trying to tell you. Pay attention to the activities and circumstances that excite you. How do you feel in those moments? Harness those emotions—don’t stifle them. If you’re concerned about making the wrong decision, few decisions are irreversible. Larry Winget puts it this way: “If you make a wrong decision, you’ll figure out pretty quickly that you need to readjust your plans.” If your decision is the right one, that will be evident fairly quickly as well. What’s better: Wondering and waiting, or taking action? Wherever you sit on the “Does God want me to follow my passion?” debate, you owe it to yourself and to your family to, at a minimum, understand what excites and moves you. Brittany, one of my clients, said “I’ve always enjoyed art, but never realized how important it is to incorporate it into my life”. Her role as a labor and delivery nurse gives her very little opportunity to express her artistic nature, so she took it upon herself to find a creative outlet. “It’s a piece of the puzzle that was missing for me.” She may eventually shift into or create a career that allows her to combine her love for helping people and her excitement for art, but she isn’t waiting to pursue that which moves her. “Art makes me feel very empowered and free,” she says. “I’ve started to draw and paint more, and, as I do, more and more ideas come to me. I’ve opened a well of ideas and energy and I know I just need to keep doing this.” Brittany says her time spent in front of a canvas often turns into a time of worship. “It’s a way to be quiet and be with God – a time to listen and reflect.” And really, that makes sense. Thoughts, dreams, uninvented solutions, and ideas for creation were God’s first. The promptings and excitement you feel could be His way of getting your


attention. Don’t ignore what God puts in front of you. If you are enthusiastic about an idea, let that enthusiasm show and grow! Enthusiasm, after all, means “God within.” With that in mind, consider that God could have placed your thoughts, dreams, emotions, and ideas within you as gifts for you to use for His glory.

If you’ve seen the movie Chariots of Fire, you probably remember the scene where Eric Liddle’s sister was pleading with him to give up his passion for running and come back to the worthy life of a missionary. Eric’s response is one that has been cited numerous times, “God made me fast, and when I run, I feel His pleasure.” When do you feel God’s pleasure?


What's the "successful personality" type

Rochelle received a review from her boss one day - “My boss called me into his office and told me that I was too nurturing; that I needed to ‘crack the whip’ more,”. Heartbroken, she looked for ways to change her personality. She actually came to coaching wanted to become the person her boss told her she needed to be: assertive, outgoing, and dominant. We started her program with the DISC Personality Profile. The DISC reveals a person’s strengths, weaknesses, and other personality traits. It’s an incredibly helpful and insightful tool, designed to help you better understand yourself and what makes you tick.

I always remind clients that no one personality style is better than another, but that isn’t what Rochelle believed. Her boss wasn’t the first person in her life to tell her she needed to change her personality. Years of feedback led her to believe that successful people were aggressive and dominant. “I signed up for coaching thinking I would magically be transformed into a ‘successful’ personality type.” Throughout her coaching sessions and in the months that followed, Rochelle learned a lot about herself and overcame a number of self-limiting beliefs. She left her position at the chiropractic school where her gifts weren’t appreciated, and focused her efforts on building her own practice. “I realized that power is not tied to a personality type,” she says. “Power comes from using the gifts God has given you to the fullest. I am an advocate; I’m good at listening. As a chiropractor, I am able to be quiet while my patients talk. I hear not just their words, but their hearts. I also realized I’d been guilty of not fully embracing who I am.” With that rush of insight, Rochelle immediately stopped trying to be someone other than herself. She evaluated the business methods she had been using—methods that were designed with more dominant personality and communication styles in mind—and started interacting with patients in a way that felt natural and comfortable for her. She listened even more attentively and allowed her patients to share their concerns rather than trying to immediately steer them into a treatment plan. Her nurturing personality and gift of listening blessed her patients. And, as we all know, happy patients are good for business and


referrals, so I wasn’t at all surprised to hear how her success immediately increased when she started operating in her strengths. The most satisfying part of our coaching for me was hearing her say, “Now I can be who I truly am, not who I thought someone else wanted me to be.” Yes ma’am. That’s what finding your voice is all about. Rochelle said it so well: power is not a personality type. Power is functioning fully in whom you are created to be. Lean into what feels natural. Embrace your best features. Harness your enduring qualities. Be who you are and let your uniqueness shine. Honor the gifts God has given you by using them to serve others. When you do that, I believe you’ll take your success to a whole new level—a level that will surprise and thrill you.


Be who you are - stories of two successful businesses

For a long time, a lady, who is an amazingly creative photographer, felt lost. Surrounded by people who don’t “get” her artistic style, she tried and failed for years to fit in. It killed her spirit to take staged, “smile at the camera” photos. But that’s what people pay for, right? Shoot after shoot, she grew more disgusted with the work. Taking pictures, once something she loved, became a chore. Until one day it clicked: she didn’t have to squander her talent on those who didn’t appreciate it. She took down her website and opened an Instagram account. The calls for mundane jobs stopped, and she rediscovered her love for capturing the beauty of simple moments. Slowly, and only by looking within and being completely honest with herself, she found her voice, her strengths, her innate worth, and a new, freeing sense of power. And guess what? The world has noticed. Suddenly, people from the other side of the globe started contacting her about her work. They’re captivated by her style and the way she sees the world. Just by being herself and doing what she loves, she has attracted all sorts of amazing opportunities. Larry Winget, Pitbull of Personal Development®, shared with us that the key to his professional accomplishment was his willingness to be himself. For the first half of his speaking career, he was very “successful”. However, Larry was, in his own words, “Telling people what everybody else told…your typical motivational guy”. Then he went through mid-life crisis. “I hated my audience, hated my business, hated myself, and it filtered over to my family. I was truly unhappy…” Larry said “I finally decided I would go on the stage and speak MY truth, and if people don’t like it, I would walk away and do something else.” Larry’s entire career transformed, he became five-time New York Times/Wall Street Journal bestselling author, and he has never been happier. It feels amazing to know who you are and to stop trying to be someone you’re not. Give permission for expressing your own “VOICE”. Allow yourself to filter out others’ expectations, rules, and beliefs when they don’t apply to you. Making the commitment to live intentionally and authentically frees you to focus your time, resources, and talent on the people and projects you care about the most. What would your life be like if you devoted the best of yourself to what really matters? How would those people and projects benefit? Like a laser beam engraves a precise message on a piece of jewelry, your focused attention can leave a beautiful mark on your life and on the lives of those you love.


Finding your Voice Radio is the safe place to work through challenges, explore possibilities, and make better decision for work, home, and family. The show is heard live, Monday-Friday 5pm Pacific on www.k4hd.com - Hollywood talk Radio. Syndicated stations:

• W4CY Radio The Intertainment Network, 7 days/wk, 7a CT • W4WN Radio - The Women 4 Women Network, 7 days/wk 11a CT

Got a question about career or life that's got you stuck? Ask your questions here. Go to www.findingyourvoiceradio.com and listen to show archive where callers share their questions, dreams and struggles.

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