Behaviors that MoveYou Ahead

for City of Tallahassee

Gabrielle K. Gabrielli, Ph.D.

Introductions

• Name• What you do• Where you work

• Something unique about youOR

• A behavior that you wish would stop in theworkplace

Learning Objectives

By the end of this course, you will be able to:• Identify your own personal barriers to success.• Assess your emotional intelligence and develop an

action plan for improvement.• Refine your workplace habits and attitudes to

improve how you are perceived.• Accept responsibility for your behaviors, and learn

how to make things right.• Discuss negative behaviors such as bullying.• Implement an action plan to improve emotional

intelligence and to achieve REAL success.

Ground Rules

1. Turn cell phones or anything thatmakes noise to off or silent.

2. Listen actively.3. Participate to the fullest of your ability.4. Keep an open mind.5. Be respectful to others (including being

on time to class and from break).6. If you break any rules, you sing.

Icebreaker

Agenda

1300 Ground Rules, Objectives, Introductions, Pretest, Icebreaker

1315 Research on Successful Workplace BehaviorsDiscussion on Sabotaging Behaviors

1335 Importance of Emotional IntelligenceActivity and Application

1430 Break1445 REAL Success

RelationshipsEquippingAttitudeLeadership

1515 Exercise: Group Activity1615 Conclusions and Posttest1630 Adjourn

Pretest

• Please answer the questions on the self-assessment to the best of your ability.

• Don’t feel badly if you don’t know allthe answers; if you did, you wouldn’tneed to be here!

• Note that the change in pretest to posttestscores measures more of my ability toteach than your ability to learn.

• It also helps you earn CEUs.

What are your goals?

Research Shows Need for Soft Skills

Soft Skills of Most Importance

• Communicating effectively• Promoting teamwork and collaboration• Conveying professionalism• Critical thinking and solving problems

Research on Success

• Results, Enthusiasm, Attitude,Cooperation, Honor

Forbes’ Reasons People Don’tAdvance at Work

1. Beef up your negotiating skills.2. Speak up at meetings.3. Keep your message short and on point.4. Hone your leadership skills.5. Say no when you mean no.6. Control your emotions.

Gabrielle’s List ofTop Sabotaging Behaviors

• Having a negative attitude!• Letting fear get in the way

– Procrastination– Failure to be open to constructive feedback

• Conveying an ego that doesn’t match abilities• Having a poor mentality

– “We’ve always done it that way” or, “That’s not my job.”

• Being unprofessional– Treating internal or external customers poorly (inc. gossip)– Sending the wrong message– Being a constant source of conflict– Participating in gossip

Modes of Listening

• Combative listening takes place when welisten only to look for flaws in the otherperson’s point of view.

• Passive listening takes place when we trulytry to hear the other person’s point of view.However, with passive listening, we do notyet provide feedback to verify whether wehave understood.

• Active listening takes place when weprovide feedback to verify whether or not wehave understood the sender.

Activity

• Get with a partner.• Pick who will be the speaker first and who

will be the listener first.• The speaker will discuss whatever is on

your mind for 2 minutes; the listener willuse active listening strategies.

• Switch roles.

Listening Actively

• Listen with your ears, your eyes, and your heart toconcentrate on what the person is saying and toempathize.

• Pay attention to speaker’s facial expressions andother nonverbal cues for insight into the message.

• Listen without interruption. Note key phrases anddocument the information that the interviewee says.

• Provide feedback checks to the speaker. Restate,paraphrase, or ask questions of the interviewee toconfirm that you received the message as intended.

Examining Body Languageand Behavioral Cues

• Observe what message your body languageconveys:– facial expressions or gestures– shifts in eye contact– crossed arms or legs– placement of feet– excessive sweating

• Be aware of nonverbal messages you send.

Emotional Intelligence

• 55% of Americans are not familiar with EI.• 48% are not familiar with the negative effect

that stress has on EI.• EI has been scientifically proven to be a

greater predictor of success in the workplacethan IQ.

What does it mean?

Definition of EI

Emotional intelligence is the capacity forrecognizing our own feelings and those ofothers, for motivating ourselves and others,and for managing our own emotions as wellas influencing others.

Study That Initiated EI

• 1960s: 4-year-olds and marshmallows.• Researcher told kids not to touch the

marshmallows then left the room.• Concluded that those who delayed

gratification had higher EIs.• Study followed kids to high school.• Surveyed teachers, parents, and others.• When kids took SATs, those who held out

had 210 point average higher score.

• “It is not the strongest of the species thatsurvives, or the most intelligent, but theone most responsive to change.” -

Charles Darwin

History of EI

• Roots with Darwin in early 1900s• Social Intelligence- Thorndike 1920s• Influence of non-intellectual factors on

intelligent behavior- Wechsler 1940• Multiple Intelligences- Gardner 1975• Reuven Bar-On first used the term

“emotional quotient” in 1985• EI- Wayne Payne’s dissertation 1985

Research on EI

• 2007 study showed correlation between EIand use of tobacco and marijuana.

• Those who started smoking at a young ageand who regularly smoked had lower scoresin emotional self-regulation.

• Conclusion: people who have strong EI andwho clearly comprehend their emotionsconsume less tobacco and marijuana thanthose with low EI.

Research on EI

•According to a poll (Nov. 2007), stress hasa detrimental impact on our EI and this canspell professional problems for workingAmericans.

•A strong EI can help build positiverelationships and improve performance-ideal for workplace success.

Commercialization of EI

• Goleman is known for generating interestfrom the business world in EI.

• In 1995 his best selling book expandedSalovey and Mayer’s definition of EI toinclude the ability to motivate oneself.

• Time Magazine- 1995 article “The EQ Factor:New brain research suggests that emotions,not IQ, may be the true measure of humanintelligence”

EI Misconceptions

• EI is NOT:• Being nice all the time• “Getting emotional”, “being soft”, or

touchy-feely• Denying or stuffing your emotions,

“sucking it up”• The solution to all problems

Emotional Intelligence

EI is :• Being honest• Being aware of your feelings and other

people’s feelings• Being smart with your emotions• The ability to understand and use the

power of our emotions wisely• Maintaining poise under pressure*

Summary of EI Research

• People with high EI are happier, healthier, andmore successful in their relationships.

• People with EI have:– Balance between logic and emotions– Awareness of their own feelings– Healthy self-confidence– Empathy and compassion for others

Summary of EI Research

• Everyone has different levels of EI.• The way we express and use our emotions

can be controlled.• Feelings affect our physical health.• Emotions are contagious.• Unlike IQ, EI can be significantly raised.

EI Self-Assessment

Scoring the AssessmentInstructions:

1. Add numbers in each row and place the resultsin the boxes at the right.

2. Compare your results to see how well youscored!

EI Value and Benefits

• EI is more than 85% of what enables peopleto develop into great leaders.

• EI skills allow people to think clearly underpressure

• For performance, EI is 2x as important astechnical and cognitive skills combined.

• People with high EI don’t let emotions get inthe way of solving problems and positivelyimpact everyone they contact.

EI Value and Benefits

• Developing EI skills minimizes time wastedon turf wars or arguing.

• People with high EI are able to calm theirminds quickly, opening the way for insightand creative ideas.

• People with high EI choose productivebehaviors.

• Improved personal productivity and improvedstaff performance means people leave workat a reasonable time.

5 Competencies of EI

1. Self-awareness2. Self-regulation3. Motivation4. Empathy5. Effective relationships

1. Self-Awareness

People with high self-awareness:

• Interact easily with others• Don’t stress over making decisions• Accurately assesses themselves, others, and

situations• Are open• Are quietly self-confident

Self-Awareness Activity

Increase Self-Awareness

• Spend 15 minutes daily on self-reflection.• Know where in the body stress is held.• Keep a journal of emotions and triggers.• Ask for feedback; be open to what you hear.• Find opportunities to improve self-confidence.• Pause before reacting to a tense situation.

2. Self-Regulation

People with high self-regulation:• Foster a climate of trust & fairness• Surround themselves with talented people• Focus on issues and not on politics• Are role models and mentors for others• Adapt quickly• Build lasting relationships

Avoiding Emotional Highjacking

• Take charge of your thoughts• Identify and manage emotional shifts• Take control of behavioral patterns

Increase Self-Regulation

• Buy time• Avoid generalizations, assumptions• Develop constructive inner dialogues• Derail counterproductive behavior• Use humor• Find balance

3. Motivation

People with high levels of self-motivation:• Initiate improvements in their jobs• Succeed at difficult assignments• Are less likely to quit their job• Motivate others personally and

professionally• Attract others with the same values

Motivation Activity

Sources of Motivation

• Yourself• Support System• Environment• Mentor

Increase Motivation

• Using motivational self-statements(affirmations)

• Using positive mental imagery(visualizations)

• Give yourself opportunities for success• Find an emotional mentor

4. Empathy

People with high levels of empathy:• Keep people in the loop• Promote collaboration and teamwork• Develop others to their full potential• Achieve high performance

Increase Empathy

• Assume people have the best of intentions.• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.• Remember that you always learn more from

listening than from speaking.• Identify with the other person by reflecting

on an experience you’ve had that produceda similar emotion in you.

Empathetic Listening Habits

• Listen for ideas and emotions• Listen for what is not being said• Control your emotional reactions• Avoid prejudgments and distractions• Use open-ended questions for active

listening

Empathetic Driving!

5. Effective Relationships

People with effective relationships:• Have a wide circle of colleagues and

friends, and multiple circles• Find common ground among differing views,

often mediating others• Effectively lead teams• Are successful in managing change

Improve Relationships

• Expand your circles of social networks• Get to know people who are seemingly

different than you• Think outside your comfort zone• Ask for feedback from people you have had

disagreements with

Promoting EI in Others

1. Keep your emotional perspective2. Help others maintain emotional balance3. Be a supportive listener4. Set expectations

Keep Your Emotional Perspective

• Anticipate the other person’s emotionalstate

• Pay attention to cues in the other person’sbehavior

• Use instructive statements• Use relaxation techniques

Help Others MaintainEmotional Balance

• Use slow-down techniques• Redirect the conversation• Listen

One View of Conflict

Conflict is inevitable, butcombat is optional.

~Max Lucado, theologian

Common Conflict Responses

Avoidance Maybe the problem will just go away.

Poor me Complain to anyone within earshot, exceptthe person you have the problem with.

Anger Emotional outbursts that make everyoneuncomfortable and solve nothing.

RevengeFind ways to disturb the person who hasdisturbed you by “getting even” or evensabotaging their performance or reputation.

The CALM Model

C Clarify the issue

A Address the problem

L Listen to the other side

M Manage your way to resolution

C: Clarify the IssueConflict Clarification Questions - Primary Questions

1. What am I upset about? In specific behavioral terms,what actually happened? Who else is involved? What didthey do?

2. What emotions am I feeling: anger, hurt, frustration? Whyam I feeling that way?

3. Have I contributed to the problem?4. Am I just overreacting? If so, why?5. In terms of actions and relationships, what are my desires

for an outcome to this conflict? What will successfulresolution look like?

6. If I was the other person involved in this situation, howwould I want to be approached and dealt with?

C: Clarify the Issue

Conflict Clarification Questions - Secondary Questions

7. Where was the other person coming from? Could they infact have been motivated by good intentions?

8. Has this happened before, or is this a first timeoccurrence?

9. How is this situation affecting you and your work? Areothers impacted? If so, how?

10. When dealing with this issue, what can you do toincrease your chances of getting the results you want?What counter-productive behaviors do you want toavoid?

A: Address the Problem

• The Opening• The Issue Description

– Exactly what happened– How it made you feel– The negative impacts the situation

caused

A: Address the Problem

Other things to remember:1. Have a walk-in strategy; you may want to

practice what you plan to say.2. Don’t repeat what others have said; this

is between the two of you.3. Keep the end in mind; the goal is not to

win an argument. The goal is to reach arespectful, collaborative result.

L: Listen to the Other Side

• Give the other person your TOTALATTENTION.

• NEVER interrupt.• Ask questions for clarification.• Paraphrase what you’ve heard.• SHOW that you’re listening.• Use positive body language.

Be An Empathetic Listener

• Acknowledge your acceptance of what thespeaker is saying.

• Help the speaker clarify thoughts, feelingsand ideas.

• Don’t interrupt; look for nonverbal signals;maintain a listening posture

• Rephrase the content and reflect on thefeelings.

M: Manage Your Way to Resolution

• Gain agreement that a problem exists.• Identify each other’s concerns and needs.• Explore win-win solutions.• Agree on a course of action.• Determine how to handle missteps, should

they happen.• Close on a positive note.

No Time to Plan!

• Stop, breathe, and think.• Acknowledge the conflict.• Buy some time (and then do CALM).• Take it somewhere else.• Keep it respectful.

The CALM Model

• Clarify the issue• Address the problem• Listen to the other person• Manage your way to a resolution

SASHET

EI Tips

4-7-8 Breathing

1. Exhale completely through your mouth,making a woosh sound

2. Close your mouth and inhale quietlythrough your nose- count 4

3. Hold your breath- count 74. Exhale through your mouth, make a woosh

sound- count 85. Inhale and repeat for a cycle of 4

Dr. Andrew Weil

Action Plan for EI

“We cannot become what we need byremaining what we are.”

- John C. Maxwell

Benefits of a Positive Attitude

• Better communication• Increased teamwork• Improved morale• Higher productivity

Strategies For Being Positive

• Appreciate Others– Say “thank you!”– Say “well done!”– Say “congratulations!”

Strategies For Being Positive

• Take Time for Yourself– Meditate– Journal– Exercise– Reflect– Pray– Do something you enjoy

Strategies For Being Positive

• Help Others– Pitch in around the

office– Volunteer in the

community– Remember your

coworkers

Strategies For Being Positive

• Avoid Negative Attitudes– Avoid negative comments– Avoid drama and gossip

• Look for the good in others• Give others the benefit of

the doubt– Challenge yourself to be

nice

The Importance of Attitude

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitudeon life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It ismore important than the past, the education, the money,than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than whatother people think or say or do. It is more important thanappearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break acompany... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is wehave a choice everyday regarding the attitude we willembrace for that day. We cannot change our past... wecannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can dois play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. Iam convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you....”

Charles Swindoll

Success

Coming together is a beginning, keepingtogether is progress, and workingtogether is success.

-Henry Ford

What is Success?

Take the Relationships Inventory

• “The most important single ingredient tothe formula of success is knowing how toget along with people.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

Take the Equipping Inventory

Take the Attitude Inventory

What is Leadership?Leadership is a process of influencethat maximizes the efforts of otherstoward achievement of a goal.

Take the Leadership Inventory

Gabrielle’sTop Behaviors for Success

• Positive attitude including gratitude• Strong work ethic• Desire to improve and learn• Excellent emotional intelligence• Ability to make things right when things

don’t go as planned• Leadership abilities• Ability to see outside themselves and have

respect, empathy, and kindness

Harassment vs. Bullying

Workplace Harassment Workplace BullyingMay be physical and usually linkedto gender, race, age, or otherdiscrimination

Usually psychological

Overt Covert

Target usually knows immediatelythat he or she is being harassed

Target may not realize he or she isbeing bullied until it is too late

Illegal Legal...but this may change soon

The Face of Bullying

Workplace bullying shows its face throughtrivial untrue criticisms ofunderperformance.

How Serious is Bullying?

Has the same impact on a person asdomestic violence

Can cause many physical and emotionalproblems

Kills moraleIncreases turnoverCauses legal liability for the supervisor if

no action is taken

How to Handle Aggressive People

Remember that they have nothing againstyou personally, and that their egos andinsecurities drive their selfish attitudes.

Listen to everything that they have to saybut don’t give in to their anger.

Stand up for yourself and your ideas withassertive communication.

Do not engage with them if they do notapologize and want to argue with you.

How to Handle Aggressive People

• Create a physical boundary when possible.• Buy some time when they are angry, loud,

or out of control.• Get their attention. If they still disregard

what you say, ask them to stop and listento you. Use assertive body language todraw their attention.

• Be concise and clear with your reactions.• If you cannot influence their behaviors,

then change how you feel.

Workplace Bullying Statistics

• 50% of Americans have not experiencedor witnessed bullying.

• 35% have been bullied.* (up to 45%)• 15% have witnessed bullying.• Bosses comprise 72% of bullies.• More men (62%) are bullies and women

are the most frequent targets of bullies(58%).

Zogby and Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute, 2010

“We cannot become what we need byremaining what we are.”

- John C. Maxwell

Conclusions

• Be aware of any behaviors you use to self-sabotage, and work to improve them.

• Work to develop your skills every day.• Consider an action plan for your skills.

– What are your strengths?– What areas do you need to work to improve?

Mark Twain’s 9 Tips for Living an Awesome Life

Questions?

• Your website portal:http://gabrielleconsulting.com/behaviors2015