46 | Lexington’s Colonial Times Magazine NOVEMBER | DECEMBER 2009

parentingmattersGirls & Relational Agression

Parenting Matters columns are not intend-Parenting Matters columns are not intend-Parenting Matters columns are not intended as a substitute for therapy. If your child is experiencing problems, seek help from your pediatrician, child psychotherapist, clinical social worker or psychiatrist.

Source: Stop Bullying Now / U.S. Source: Stop Bullying Now / U.S. Department of Health & Human Department of Health & Human Services.Services.

PART TWO IN A THREE PART SERIES ON

RELATIONAL AGGRESSION AND BULLYING

Christine Sorrenti

Female bullying and relational aggres-sion exists worldwide in the lives of young girls and is a complex problem they face throughout their school experience. The scope of this article aims to provide a general overview of the issue as it relates to girls. A small bibliography on the subject for further in-depth reading is included at the end.

It is important to look at how relation-ships function in girls’ development in order to understand bullying more clearly. It is amazing to me how many girls need help understanding how to be a friend. If they don’t understand what it takes to be a friend, they have difficulty with the task of making friends. Friendship issues are an inevitable part of working with girls. Relationships are critical for healthy development, as our connection to others helps us define who we are. Peer relationships are the cornerstone of healthy development and identity formation.If girls’ connections with peers are strained, it leaves them susceptible to bullying – either as a victim or an aggressor. Research has shown that girls who hurt tend to want to hurt back.

In her book, Odd Girl Out, Rachel Simmons researched bullying and relational aggression with teens across America at school and at home. She labeled three types of aggression specific to girls: social, indi-rect, and relational. Simmons outlines social aggression as gossiping and spreading rumors in a verbally aggressive manner with the aim to degrade a girl’s image and reputation.Indirect aggression includes meanness with disclaimers such as “no offense” and “just kidding”, internet aggression, denial, and acts in anonymity. Relational aggression includes using friendship as a weapon to pressure

others to get what they want by exclusion, whispering, and rolling their eyes. The three types of aggression usually overlap, but one common denominator is the use of nasty language. The impact of dehumanizing and betraying each other for a rise in social status can’t be overlooked. Rejection and isolation are the most powerful forms of relational aggression used by girl bullies because it cuts girls off from peer relationships. This is not to say that there aren’t some girls who can survive the isolation and find their own path. But generally, it wreaks havoc on a girl’s academic, social, and personal growth experience.

If we look at the effects of bullying and relational aggression on girls, we find that generally, they act in and internalize the experience. Some examples of internalizing behaviors include depression, eating disorder, and low self-esteem. As if these behaviors aren’t dangerous enough, consider the impact of relational aggression on learning: class time spent anxiously wondering what will happen next and waiting to find out why someone is mad at them, but rarely ever find-ing out the actual cause. It becomes difficult to concentrate on schoolwork, and grades slip. There can be school refusal. Girls are quick to self-blame and cause themselves additional torture. Their experience of bul-lying can pigeon-hole them into a category where they feel they are destined to stay. The experience of being bullied or dealing with a bully can last well into adulthood, as Sim-mons asserts through her research.

How can mental health professionals, parents, and teachers help the situation? First, we

need to be on the lookout with vigilance. Bullying tactics between girls are often elusive to adults and difficult to decode.Girls can act one way in front

of adults and another in front of peers. Also, girls tend to bully their closest allies, so it can be difficult to see what is really going on in their inner circle. There is a lot of fear between girls and many won’t speak out for fear of increased repercussions.

In an attempt to learn more about issues between girls, Simmons suggests asking girls questions in the 3rd person to defer defensive-ness and encourage disclosure. Also, having girls talk one on one with a neutral adult can help diffuse additional drama and takes away the power of the group. Teaching girls how to confront without being verbally or relation-ally aggressive is an important relational skill.It is an adaptive problem solving skill and also can lessen the power of the aggressor and boost the confidence of the victim. Using “I” statements is also important, as it eliminates blame and encourages listening. Girls need help apologizing and mending inter-personal relationships. Role-plays are an effective way for girls to practice what and how they want to say something to a peer.

Watching your daughter in pain is not easy. It’s critical for parents to listen without assuring them that “it’ll go away” and “not to worry”. This is not a comforting message for them because it doesn’t go away, it continues to affect them. As far as they’re concerned, it is the most devastating event that could hap-pen. They have difficulty just getting through the day. Try to empathize and validate them, not minimize the experience- you don’t have to fix it, just understand it. They will want to talk to you more if they feel understood.The benefits of helping them re-gain their confidence and instilling strength cannot be stressed enough. Teaching girls to deal with the problem head on is invaluable for their successful navigation of relationships in the present and the future.

LEARN MOREOdd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture

of Aggression in Girls, by Rachel Simmons (2002). A presentation of extensive research on bullying, gathered in interviews with girls ages 10-14. It provides insight and sugges-tions for problem solving.Queen Bees and Wannabees.Helping your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence, by Rosalind Wiseman (2002).A Graphic commentary about interpersonal relations in teenage girls.Reviving Ophelia, by Mary Pipher, PhD (1994). A therapist’s experience with contem-porary issues facing teenage girls.In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development, by Carol Gilli-gan (1982). Looks at human development in the context of understanding how women act, make decisions, and find their voice. See Jane Hit: Why Girls are Growing More Violent and What We Can Do About It, by James Garbarino (2006). A look at how girls are tending towards more destructive and violent behavior in the 21st century.

There are many types of There are many types of bullying. Bullying can be:bullying. Bullying can be:

•• Leaving someone out of group Leaving someone out of group activities on purpose.activities on purpose.Leaving someone out of group Leaving someone out of group activities on purpose.Leaving someone out of group Leaving someone out of group

•• Giving someone the “silent Giving someone the “silent treatment.” treatment.” Giving someone the “silent Giving someone the “silent treatment.” Giving someone the “silent Giving someone the “silent

•• Using the Internet, IMs, text Using the Internet, IMs, text messages, and/or e-mail messages, and/or e-mail Using the Internet, IMs, text Using the Internet, IMs, text messages, and/or e-mail Using the Internet, IMs, text Using the Internet, IMs, text

to hurt others (also called to hurt others (also called messages, and/or e-mail messages, and/or e-mail to hurt others (also called messages, and/or e-mail messages, and/or e-mail

cyberbullying). cyberbullying). to hurt others (also called to hurt others (also called cyberbullying). to hurt others (also called to hurt others (also called

•• Making faces and/or bad Making faces and/or bad gestures with your hands at gestures with your hands at Making faces and/or bad Making faces and/or bad gestures with your hands at Making faces and/or bad Making faces and/or bad

someone. someone.

•• Using a person to get something Using a person to get something you want, such as making you want, such as making Using a person to get something Using a person to get something you want, such as making Using a person to get something Using a person to get something

friends with someone who is friends with someone who is you want, such as making you want, such as making friends with someone who is you want, such as making you want, such as making

smart just so they can do your smart just so they can do your homework for you. homework for you. smart just so they can do your smart just so they can do your homework for you. smart just so they can do your smart just so they can do your

•• Making fun of someone for being Making fun of someone for being “different.” “different.” Making fun of someone for being Making fun of someone for being “different.” Making fun of someone for being Making fun of someone for being

NOVEMBER | DECEMBER 2009 Lexington’s Colonial Times Magazine | 47

HUMAN SERVICES DEPT. Main #: 781-1861-0194Charlotte Rodgers, Rn, MaDirector Of Human ServicesEmily Lavine, LICSWAsst. Director Of Human Services781-861-0194Laurie Henry, LICSWAsst. Director Of Youth Services781-861-2742LEXINGTON POLICE DEPT781-862-1212Christina Demambro:Family Services DetectiveTammy DuffySchool And Community Resource Officer- Elementary/middle School781-862-1212Jim RettmanSchool And Community Resource Officer- High School781-862-1212LEXINGTON FIRE DEPTMain #: 781-862-0272Tim JohnsonJuvenile Firesetter Caseworker/screener781-862-0272LEXINGTON RECREATION DEPT781-862-0500LexPRESS:Gail Wagner781-861-1210LEXINGTON PUBLIC SCHOOLS:781-861-2320Linda ChaseDirector Of Student Services781-861-2580 X 231Les EgglestonDirector Of Guidance781-861-2320 X 1561Julie FennSubstance Abuse Prevention Specialist781-861-2320 X 6080

resource guideCARY LIBRARY781-862-6288

DEPT. OF TRANSITIONAL ASSISTANCE (Dta)Malden Office800-249-2007 | 781-388-7375

HAYDEN RECREATION CENTER781-862-8480

LEXINGTON INTERFAITH FOOD PANTRY781-861-5060

MUNROE CENTER FOR THE ARTS781-862-6040

HOTLINE NUMBERS

EDINBURG CENTERPSYCHIATRIC CRISIS/EMER-GENCY SERVICES (781)860-0570

DEPARTMENT OF CHIL-DREN & FAMILIESARLINGTON OFFICE800-769-4615

PARENTAL STRESS LINE24 HOUR HOTLINE800-632-8188

POISON CONTROL800-222-1222REACH BEYOND DOMES-TIC VIOLENCE24 HOUR HOTLINE800-899-4000

SAFELINKA 24 HOUR, MULTILINGUAL HOTLINE877-785-2020

SAMARITEENS24 HOUR CRISIS HOTLINE FOR TEENS800-252-8336

RESOURCESHuman Services Department781-1861-0194

Charlotte Rodgers, Rn, MaDirector Of Human Services

Emily Lavine, LICSWAsst. Director Of Human Services781-861-0194

Laurie Henry, LICSWAsst. Director Of Youth Services781-861-2742

Carrie Johnson, LICSWAsst. Director Of Senior Services

Lexington Police Dept:781-862-1212

Christina Demambro:Family Services Detective

Jim RettmanResource Officer- High School781-862-1212

Lexington Fire Dept:781-862-0272

Tim JohnsonJuvenile Firesetter Caseworker781-862-0272

Lexington Recreation Dept:781-862-0500

Lexpress:Gail Wagner781-861-1210

Lexington Public Schools:781-861-2320

Linda ChaseDirector Of Student Services781-861-2580 X 231

Les EgglestonDirector Of Guidance781-861-2320 X 1561

Julie FennSubstance Abuse Prevention Specialist781-861-2320 X 6080

Community ResourcesCary Memorial Library781-862-6288

Dept. Of Transitional Assistance (Dta)Malden Office800-249-2007781-388-7375

Hayden Recreation Center781-862-8480

Lexington Interfaith Food Pantry781-861-5060

Munroe Center For The Arts781-862-6040

HOTLINE NUMBERS:Advocates Psychiatric Emergency Services675 Main Street, Waltham, Ma1-800-540-5806(781)893-2003

Department Of Children & FamiliesArlington Office800-769-4615

Parental Stress Line24 Hour Hotline800-632-8188

Poison Control800-222-1222

Reach Beyond Domestic Violence24 Hour Hotline800-899-4000

SafelinkA 24 Hour, Multilingual Hotline877-785-2020

Samariteens24 Hour Crisis Hotline For Teens800-252-8336