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7/21/2019 golri

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x1 Scri

Mr Zaltzman, do come in." Dr Schlurpens, fve-time sport-watching pschologist o!

the ear, ushered me into his oce. # settled into the padded chair, so !amiliar !rom

m ears o! visiting a man who has set new standards in helping sports !ans come

to terms with the demands o! !ollowing the unceasing deluge o! $1st-centur sport.

"So, Mr Zaltzman," he said, as da two o! the Delhi %est plaed out on one o! the $&

'ig screens on his special wall. "(ow has the $)1&-1* %est match season 'een !or

ou so !ar+"

"# wont lie to ou, Doc," # replied, as (ashim mla continued a piti!ul series '

adding a sniced cut to his catalogue o! disappointing dismissals.

"#ts 'een up and down. /ut mostl not as good as # was hoping. ustralia-0ew

Zealand ended well. %he da-night %est was good. /ut a 'it short. nd the series

had 'een somewhat spoiled ' 0ew Zealands 'owlers in the frst %est 'eing more

undercooed than a chicen ing o2 our plate as ou sit down !or a Sunda roast,

and a 3erth pitch that made 4uc, the three-million-ear-old ustralopithecus

!arensis seleton, seem 'ounc and !ull o! li!e.

"3aistan-5ngland was interesting a!ter a dull start. /angladesh-ustralia reall did

not live up to expectations. 6n an level. nd Sri 4ana v 7est #ndies went largel

as ou would have expected. /ut #m worried, Doc. 7orried a'out %est match

cricet. #s there something wrong with me+"

s # spoe to him, his ees were transfxed ' the alleged innings o! 8a! du 3lessis.

%he South !rican 0o. &, plaer o! some o! the most cussed innings o! recent ears,

narrowl avoided a golden-duc leg-'e!ore dismissal, then consolidated ' splurt-

shovelling his second 'all not ver !ar over his shoulder to one o! a'out ten waiting

felders. "0o, Mr Zaltzman. %hose concerns are 9ustifed."

"Doc, it is o!ten said o! 'atsmen who have popped the 'all straight up in the air that

the were giving catching practice to the felders. 7ell, i! du 3lessis had plaed

that shot during catching practice, his team-mates would have said: 8a!. 8a!. Mate.

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;ome on, mae it at least slightl realistic. %here is no wa a %est 'atsman is going

to pla that shot in a match."

"Mr Zaltzman," said Dr Schlurpens, "# thin oure taing out on one plaer our

!rustrations that a series that promised so much has 'een one-sided, short and

somewhat tonall homogenous. 0ot unlie last summers shes, 'ut without the

added intrigue o! di2erent teams winning."

"Doc, its not the frst time this has happened," # confded. "%hat was 8a!s third duc

o! the series in 9ust six innings, the longest o! which lasted six 'alls. nd he had a

six-'all innings o! 1 as well. nd when ou !actor in mlas dismal run, reduced !rom

ethereall surgical dismantler o! all attacs in all conditions to uncertain poes and

swipes, ou do get the general !eeling that South !ricas 'atting in this series has

'een lie an ignoramus with a recent head in9ur plaing a <uiz machine in a pu'.

=ust randoml whacing the 'uttons and hoping !or the 'est."

"Mmm-hhh," responded Dr Schlurpens, maing notes with intense !ocus. "nd when

did ou last pla a <uiz machine+ %here all touchscreen now, Mr Zaltzman. #ts not

1>>& anmore."

6n the screen, Dumin missed a 9ewel o! a 'all ' ?mesh @adav. Dumins o2stump, ' contrast, a'solutel middled it, lie a prime-era =ac<ues Aallis. "Sixt-fve

!or &," # exclaimed. "%hats the third time in six innings this series that South !rica

have 'een fve down !or *& or !ewer - something that had onl happened three

times in their previous 1)$ %ests over 11 ears."

Dr Schlurpens scri''led earnestl on his notepad as # continued: "7ith 9ust one

chance to redeem themselves, South !ricas top fve partnerships this series are

averaging 9ust under 1* runs per wicet, com!orta'l their lowest in an series since

the 1>1$ %riangular tournament in 5ngland."

"@ou do get the general !eeling that South !ricas 'atting in this series has 'een lie

an ignoramus with a recent head in9ur plaing a <uiz machine in a pu'. =ust

randoml whacing the 'uttons and hoping !or the 'est"

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Dr Schlurpens uncored a second note'oo. "So lets roll it 'ac a little to 0agpur.

(ow did ou fnd the #ndian 'aBement at the comments, concerns and complaints

a'out the pitch+"

"# !ound it 'aBing," # replied.

"%he complaints+"

"0o, the 'aBement. %he 'aBement was 'aBing. 6! course there were complaints.

6! course ou want variet in pitches in di2erent parts o! the world and di2erent

grounds. %hat pitch was 'eond the reasona'l tric mar."

"Sas who+"

"Sas Stats. /etween the Aanpur %est 'etween these same teams in pril $))C, and

the start o! the current series, 1 %ests were plaed in #ndia. 6nl one o! the them

did not include at least one centur - the Delhi %est against ustralia, earl in $)1,

a game which 'roe a run o! $C consecutive %ests !eaturing a hundred, 1* o! which

contained three or more centuries. %hirt o! the 1 %ests had contained at least !our

&)-plus scoresE the other had two centuries and a f!t. %he frst three %ests o! thisseries 'rought no centuriesE there were onl three f!ties in the frst %est, and none -

# repeat, none - in the third, with one in the admittedl truncated second game,

when Dhawan was le!t on F& not out when the rains sogged the cricet into

o'livionG. So a match which produced a top score o! F) - the second-lowest top

score in a completed %est since 1C>) - inevita'l attracted scrutin."

%he doctor swivelled his computer screen towards me. 5S30cricin!os Statsguru

gleamed out lie the 'eacon o! universal hope !or humanit that it is, the one

remaining re!uge o! verifa'le !act in the planets storm-lashed ocean o! lies. "# wantou to loo at this stat," he said, "and tell me what ou see."

M ees widened. "%hats a stat that shows that 'oth shwin and =ade9a have taen

$) or more wicets at an average o! less than 1$, something that had onl

happened once in a %est series 'etween top-eight teams since 7a<ar @ounis

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demolished 0ew Zealand late in 1>>) Hwhen Dale Sten too $) at >.$ against 0ew

Zealand in 0ovem'er $))IG. n achievement no spinner has attained since Dere

?nderwood scuttled the Aiwis in 1>*>. Sure, that might change i! during their

second innings the 3roteas suddenl start 'atting as i! the have ever seen a 'all

turn 'e!ore, 'ut it seems unliel."

"#ve got to wrap this up, Mr Zaltzman. #ve got an #ndian client coming in two

minutes who is struggling to come to terms with new /;;# president Shashan

Manohar setting a strong moral lead !or the sport. !ter everthing thats happened,

he assumes it must 'e some ind o! tric. (es ver con!used."

s he ushered me out o! the room, # !ranticall ased: "Juicl, Doc, tell me

straight: am # right to 'e so worried a'out the state o! the %est-match game+"

"7ell," replied the shrin, "i! South !rican 'atsmen eep plaing 'asic de!ensive

shots with their 'ats swinging a good $) to ) degrees awa !rom straight, lie

Dane Kilas did when missing a straight one !rom #shant toda, then es. 6therwise:

ma'e. ;an ou leave now, please+"

"%hans Doc."

"See ou next month !or our 'iannual 7hats happening to the 7est #ndies

session."

"7ouldnt miss it !or the world."

nd Zaltzman is a stand-up comedian, a regular on //; Ladio F, and a writer

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